The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from February, 1999
Few and Far Between
Joe Smith shares a classic 02/28/99
The Limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is so economical
But the good ones I've seen
Are so seldom clean
And the clean ones are so seldom comical!
Why's the National Baptist grand scam
Like a March that starts calm but ends wham
In the proverb of old? ...
'Cos a jury has polled
That a Lyons has been on the lam!
Will history books find it fittin'
Posterity reads Bill was smitten
By Monica L? ...
Or will book's never tell? —
'Cos in history, oral's unwritten!
Anonymous writes 02/26/99
I once saw a driver named Roger
Who swerved but he did not doger
She went splat with a bang
As that big Mac came
And I was just there to watcher.
Observer writes 02/26/99
An ambitious locksmith named Kilgore,
While moonlighting one night in a store,
Was still busy at five
When the cops did arrive...
He was making a bolt for the door!
Justine writes 02/24/99
There once was a pumpkin named Francis,
His family at home he really missed,
But there was this girl,
That made Francis hurl,
'Cuz at home she gave Francis a kiss!
The poet comments, "I made this during Halloween. I made it during school in
English class. I thank my teacher for teaching me how to write these! =Þ"
Justine shares a classic 02/24/99
A skeptical man was Bill Treater,
He couldn't believe his gas meter,
He took out a match,
And gave it a scratch,
"Good morning!" he said to St. Peter!
The poet comments, "This is a limerick my teacher made. I have my own that are
pretty good, but I can't remember them right now. This one I memorized. Her name is
Sister Bernadette. She is wonderful!"
As I contemplate living in sin,
And wonder just how to begin,
Although I am aging,
My hormones are raging,
I've got a damn zit on my chin!
To average a limerick per diem
Per month, for Toast Point's lim museum
Is easiest done
From when Feb has begun
Till it ends — look, below you can see 'em!
The poet comments, "Including this one, 28 for February ... Some limericks you can
submit the minute you've thought of them, but this one required a fair amount of
prep"
Observer writes 02/23/99
A goldfish was circling frustrated
Because his sole-mate had just stated
That she couldn't talk
Cos she had a haddock
And her herring was interrelated!
A lovely young Finn who went skiing
Raced boyfriends down hill ere agreeing
To any proposin' ...
Now dozens lie frozen —
While she's still an un-attached being!
An Australian billy who bonged
Waltzed Matilda, a nanny who ponged ...
They were suited so well —
He had no sense of smell
And her hearing was not very stronged!
MO'S CARNOSITY tainted Bill's glory
But a poll doubts the COST'S ANY (MORI) ...
Says she, "AY, I'M NOT CROSS
But I'M NO RACY TOSS!" ...
Permutations of MONICA'S STORY
The poet comments, "Carnosity = fleshiness (first definition in both Webster's and the
OED)"
Watto writes 02/21/99
A lovely young Finn who went skiing
Was in love, and her boyfriend was seeing.
They meet in the piste
For their secretive tryste,
And in no time their lips they were sealing.
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
there are people like you and like me.
Well, I say they're like us
but I cannot discuss
where their gills are, or where they might be!
Watts writes 02/20/99
A privileged client's attorney
Accompanied the same on a journey.
Just outside Toys "R" Us
They hit a school bus,
And finished the day on a gurney.
Watto writes 02/20/99
An anonymous poet online
Sent his lover a poem so fine
That the amorous female
Downloaded his email
And replied straight away "Make me thine!"
While swimming across the Zambezi
I became rather breathless and wheezy,
For it came as a shock
To be chased by a croc
But I made it across rather queasy.
If Shakespeare were writing today
He would have to adapt to the way
Certain words which he used
Have become quite confused.
For example, "The lovers were gay".
The whole trouble with airlines is planes
The whole trouble with railways is trains
It is better by far
To be out in your car
And annoy people in other lanes.
A philosopher, finding a stone
Without warning emitted a moan!
As he searched for true gold
He'd become frozen cold,
Very stiff and chilled to the bone!
The poet comments, "hope I'm not boring you!"
While swimming across the Zambezi
A croc met St. Frank of Assisi
Said Frank, "From my hand
You may eat — understand?" ...
Now he wishes he spoke Crocodisi!
Of Slav tongues, I admit, don't know beans
Yet I've wondered — through Kosovo scenes —
Could Milosevic stand
For "Me lotsa witch"? ... and
Whether "Slob" is what Slobodan means!
To procrastinate steals all your time
Caution those who believe it's a crime ...
Yet it's often agreed
That more hurry's less speed —
Not much reason, a whole lotta rhyme!
There were roofers up fixing the eaves
As I came past my bank on this eve's
Drive from work ... near the vault
Lay the shingles at fault ...
Oh, now wait — you don't say I saw thieves?
A contemplative life is a monk's
He's alone every night as he bunks
But consoled by a thought —
He's at least not distraught
By performance-anxiety flunks!
A hippity-hoppity rabbit
If offered a joint, leapt to grab it ...
But claimed, at no point
During smoking a joint
Was inhaling a part of his habit!
The poet comments, "I was trying to write a limerick with first line, "An Australian
billy who bonged" ... Go figure!"
Watto writes 02/19/99
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!"
"Yes, I know! It's a new kind we're tryin'!"
If it goes down real well
We'll intendin' to sell
An Arachnaphobia Fry-in!
The poet comments, "This one lends itself to an American Accent treatment - hope
you don't mind it being done by a frightful Englishman! "
Anonymous writes 02/19/99
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Wished to swim in a line unabated
So he played a quick prank
And flipped out of the tank
And was caught by the cat which he hated!
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair
Is too long and unfashionable, I fear.
I will give you a trial
Of a much shorter style
And it brought down the house, so I hear!
Will the printing of Monica's story
Make Bill mad, or conciliatory? ...
What if Monica's guy
Is the first one to buy —
Is furore in store ... or amore?
You pray that your lim's not sub par
When you put in it all that you are
But you know you've arrived,
When the verse you've contrived
Is awarded the Sage's gold star!
Toast Point comments, "There are no sub-par limericks here. Just good ones and great ones."
Well now, dang that Professor M-G
Sayin' I ain't no brainbox ... sirree
If I weren't so extinct
I could often have thinked
An original limerick by me!
"Navy punishments sure are extreme"
Said a sailor aboard a trireme
As he swabbed down the decks ...
"All I said's what the heck's
On that frigate — I didn't blaspheme!"
Observer writes 02/17/99
A kind-hearted dog-lover named Vince
Said, "For my dog, I spare no expense,
But the bill from the vet
Has left me deep in debt...
Twas a heartworming experience!"
The poet comments, "And also heartwArming if you're a pet owner!"
When Pythagoras suffered bad dreams
New roof structures collapsed at the seams
Crashing down on his proof
That the square of the roof
Is the sum of the squares of its beams!
Observer writes 02/15/99
A wily young fellow named Sly,
While at the post office did spy...
Wanted: bank robber-
Thought, "I'm an odd-jobber,"
And inquired where he might apply.
Monique de Plume writes 02/15/99
I once knew a busboy named Jock
Who always was deeply in hock
He did have a reason
That changed with the season
But always a big bunch of crock!
I once knew a barber named Jack
Whose hair grew quite far down his back.
Yet he bent my ear
"Each month you come here!"
I told him to cut me some slack!
I once knew a sailor named Jim--
I wonder what happened to him.
He set sail one day, with
A storm on the way, and
His odds of survival are slim.
I once knew a farmer named Joe
Whose job was a tough row to hoe.
When he hit the sack, with
A crick in his back, said
"I ain't goin' to do this no mo!"
While swimming across the Zambezi
"Hi-ho," seven dwarf crocs sang easy
"We're Bashful the Croc
Joined by Dopey and Doc
Grumpy, Happy and Sleepy and Sneezy!
The poet comments, "Almost in alphabetical order"
Observer writes 02/13/99
Said the doctor to sick patient, Lear,
"In six months you'll unlikely be here."
Says Lear, "Can't pay my bill
Cos my cash flow is nil."
Says the doc, "I'll extend you a year!"
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Declined a whole verb — to be mated ...
Declension's no wish
Of a satisfied fish —
That verb's meant to be conjugated!
A dinosaur wit called Jurassic —
No brainbox, but hugely thoracic —
Who ribbed all the time
Sent Toast Point his best rhyme ...
Did he write it? — Nope, just shared a classic!
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 02/12/99
Hallelujah! Beelzebub's back,
Asking questions of this mortal hack.
He queries of me...
"Are you he, them, or she?"
He must feel that he's under attack?
Beelzebub's lauding his nation?
Is he, maybe, seeking cessation?
Does a nice person lurk
Behind mask of a jerk?...
He could ruin his bad reputation!
My friend, I grant you the last word.
I regret the pain you incurred.
This borrowed computer
Has been a real hooter,
Sad truth is...I'm being transferred!
The poet comments, "Adios Amigos! It's been real!"
Grandiloquent Old Politicians
Gainsaying Outmoded Positions
Grill Oral Provider ...
Get Ousted, Presider! ...
Four new GOP definitions!
The poet comments, "Today it stands for Goofed Over Perjury!"
Observer writes 02/11/99
A newspaper in Dallas relates,
That some premature triplets named Bates,
Moved into new quarters.
So said the reporters...
"They were weary of being womb-mates!"
I once had a friend named Erlander
Who fell for some cult propaganda
I said, "You're a goose!
"Your screws have come loose!"
He answered, "At least you could call me a gander!"
The poet comments, "Hi! Glad to see you're still all here!"
Welcome back, Monique!
An extraterrestrial being
Whose nose was adapted for seeing
And who smelled with each ear
Used his eyeballs to hear
What folks screamed up his nostrils while fleeing!
Once two goatherds, who ever did dote
On each other, when wed, signed a note:
"To mix herds would be wrong" ...
Thus their love lasted long —
Because neither one got either's goat!
Observer writes 02/10/99
A newlywed husband called Bart
Said, "You are the queen of my heart.
You'll always be mine
My sweet valentine...
I'll love you till debt do us part!"
Beelzebub writes 02/10/99
"Z-Star-Intimidator", I see,
Presumeth to question great Me;
Well, now that I'm back,
I ask thee, mortal hack:
Art thou He, It, a Them, or a She?
Observer writes 02/09/99
Said a banker to customer Schmeck,
"You're in trouble right up to your neck!
Your account's overdrawn!"
Says Schmeck, "Funds are all gone?
Not to worry...I'll write you a check!"
Mr. Manager Lindsey Graham
Argued with a mouthful of jaham:
"It gives me a pine
If you know what I mine
To thank of the Prisident's cram."
The poet comments, "Not to offend speakers of Cracker, but the Congressman's dialect is
revealing."
If Shakespeare were writing today
Kenneth Branagh would probably say:
"Nouveau Shakespeare is fine —
But the copyright's mine" ...
Rest in peace, Bill — it's better that way!
Friar writes 02/09/99
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Found itself re-incarnated
Now that poor little sole
Just lies in the bowl
Since the goldfish was emancipated!
Observer writes 02/08/99
What you hear may not be what you heard
And what's read may just seem quite absurd...
If you want a chuckle
That might bust your buckle,
Then a good pun is its own reword!
Two Alzheimer patients, the Glovers
Said, snuggling up under the covers:
"Our crow's feet are crumpling
But — sweet Sugar Dumpling —
Forget not we're Valentine lovers!
While swimming across the Zambezi
Half-way through, Eric felt lazy
And decided to play safe and risk not
So he swam back to starting spot
Ain't he really crazy?
An anonymous poet online
Sippin' a little wine
With verses from his heart
On topics rangin' cold to hot
With ease, he would explain.
The poet comments, "i don't sip wine though"
Beelzebub writes 02/08/99
One Intimidator (grade of Z)
Asked some personal questions of Me;
So now that I'm back,
My dear mortal hack,
I ask you: are you It, He or She?
An unfortunate rooster called Rex
With two goose genes on chromosome X
Has to honk at first light ...
But don't laugh at his plight —
'Cos the other gene codes for his pecks!
Observer writes 02/07/99
Sometimes boys can be very mean
And right on the edge of obscene...
There's a girl with one leg,
And her real name is Peg,
But everyone calls her Ilene!
Observer writes 02/06/99
"Hey tailor, my suit has a fly in!
So therefore, I'm simply not buyin'!
I'm a girl, not a guy,
So, I don't need a fly...
Of that, there can be no denyin'!"
If Shakespeare were writing today
May be writin' a digital play
Portrayin' characters in bits and bytes
Carin' more for his copyrights
And be mintin' millions every day!
"I don't know how yew dew it, dear Hil,"
One morning said someone named Bill.
"Them numbers shore rattle,
When yew trade in cattle,
Our family coffers to fill."
The poet comments, "More where it came from."
Beethoven justly may boast
That in music he did more than most.
His setting for Schiller
's "Ode to Joy" is a thriller,
Although he was deaf as a post!
The poet comments, "Freude Schoene Goetter funken, etc. etc."
A transvestite scribbler, George Sand,
Whose novels all moralists panned,
Went out of her head
For Pianoman Fred
Chopin, whose fires she fanned.
The poet comments, "I like music, you see."
So does Toast Point!
The Neanderthal lived in a cave,
And used cold glacial melt for a lave.
He wore both hide and hair
Of the Ice Age cave bear,
And never did bother to shave.
The poet comments, "Ugh! You toastpoint, me doggerelmeister!"
It's an old academic dispute:
What's the number with p for square root? ...
Though math profs have declared
That the answer's p squared
Engineers say, "It's 10 we compute!"
The dandiest dude, Yankee Doodle
With foppish hat feathers does poodle ...
When riding his pony
One's called macaroni —
It lures young coquettes to ca-noodle!
The poet comments, "Well, until now, has there ever been a convincing explanation of why
anyone would call a feather macaroni?"
Observer writes 02/03/99
"Hey, waiter, please fetch me a swatter!
A fly's in the soup of my daughter!
Please come back right away
Without further delay...
It's eatin' much more than it oughter!"
The poet comments, "Now, in Texas, "oughter" is a good, commonly-used word. For
example: "Ya oughter warsh them socks 'fore they start stankin'!""
PattyP writes 02/03/99
A philosopher says to a tree
Oh dear maple, could it be
That when you were a seed
You grew near some weed
And that's why you are higher than me?
Dear sweetheart on Valentine's Day
Thanks for the card and bouquet
Oh, and the ring
(Can't forget that thing)
It's gold, but how many k?
Joannie writes 02/05/99
There once was a man that I knew
Who put on a black, then a blue shoe
I would point and would say
As he went on his way
"Look! That man's feet are all black and blue!"
The poet comments, "Enjoy your site, I also enjoy writing limericks, but this is the first time
I've entered one publicly "
If you said something that just wasn't good
You could claim you were misunderstood.
When you write and click "send".
You're at paper trails' end
You can only feel rotten, and Should!
The poet comments, "We all do it. I put this right in front of the send button."
"Trans-NEPTUNian object? — No dice!"
Folks on Pluto reacted with ice ...
The attack they did mount
Forced a NASA re-count:
Back to 9 planets — 8 don't suffice!
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
Attempting to fly, got tripped
From its nest on the old mango tree
And pondered, 'it ain't time to sping and spree'
Alas! its freedom just got stripped.
Mathematics: of sciences, queen
Romantic of all philosophies, with branches umpteen
That simplify the mystic orders of the divine universe
Using numbers infinitely linked into a poetic verse
It solves all, the tough, the easy and the between.
Observer writes 02/04/99
A negligent person named Greer
Whom had a dog-grooming career...
With spot remover,
Tried a maneuver,
And made a dog clean disappear!
The poet comments, "Moral: Don't ever name a dog "Spot"!"
Have you yet had a cyber affair
Where you email and feel and YOU CARE?
It's so wild, warm and fuzzy
Even if you're both scuzzy,
It's OK cause you're here and (s)he's there.
Reminiscing if flying were folly
Rock 'n' roll's — Well ... All Right — melancholy
'Cos its Heartbeat was wrung
So — Oh, Boy — very young ...
Yet today you Rave On, Buddy Holly!
H.A. Markewich writes 02/03/99
Here lies the handsome John Miller,
A kind man and social pillar.
He married a woman
Whom he thought was a saint,
But was really a serial killer.
I feel spring in the air and proclaim it
The buds on the willows exclaim it
When spring sun comes early
My head gets all whirly
After six months of clouds, who can blame it?
The poet comments, "Never had spring fever while in the throes of limerikitis before. This
could b bad."
Once a Greek, for whom love bn
Down a d did r
her to woo ...
As they picknicked on p
She said, "f, but I y —
Your two-z is quite the cat's m!"
The poet comments, "For beta, have to use the British (Webster's alternate)
pronunciation"
Toast Point now regrets not learning the Greek alphabet when he joined a frat.
Compartmentalization's the key
To the Bill Clinton presidency ...
There's a Monica box
One for Congress and Socks —
And a matchbox for poor Hillary!
Observer writes 02/01/99
A mischievous young boy named Hugh
Put glue in his mom's oyster stew.
She was a bit addled,
Then caught him and paddled
Him till he felt like a canoe!
kBrews writes 02/01/99
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Often found himself feeling inflated,
But when gas gave him trouble,
He would let out a bubble --
Didn't you know that fish flatuated?
The poet comments, "maybe squeaky, maybe clean, but squeaky clean?"
PattyP writes 02/01/99
To my crush on Valentine's day
Here's a poem to express what I say
"I see you at school
Your looks make me drool
Could you please send a smile my way?"
The poet comments, "For JD."
Beelzebub writes 02/01/99
To live in the U S of A
Is a wonderful privilege, today;
But examples are legion
Of less pleasant regions
Where the good old U S holds its sway!
The poet comments, "Glad not to be a Nicaraguan, Honduran, Panamanian, Cuban,
Vietnamese, Cambodian ..."
'Twas the very last hour of the month
Wailed a Super Bowl fan, "Is it doneth?" ...
I've been drinking all day
Watching, waiting for play —
Now it's over, I've missed it, who wonth?
Observer writes 01/31/99
Said Samson to Delilah, "Your face
Is an ugly outrageous disgrace,
And I really don't care
What you think of my hair
Cos with me, you can't get to first base!"
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 01/31/99
Tho my comment may cut like a knife,
And induce in a poet some strife...
You say you want money?
Well, isn't that funny!
Sandy Shalott, my dear, get a life!!
Uh, oh, battle stations...
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even more money off if you click the button - try it and see!