The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Since 1995!

Squeaky-Clean Entries from January, 1999

Few and Far Between

Sandy Shalott writes 01/30/99

If Shakespeare were writing today
His thoughts about love would sway
The porno and pics
And condoms and tricks
Would bring him back for a day.

The poet comments, "I want some money!"

Professor M-G writes 01/30/99

If the trouble with Parmesan cheese
Is it cakes in the shaker with ease,
There is hardly a doubt
That in shaking it out
You have burned more than earned calories!

Island Singer writes 01/30/99

For a verse not my own contribution
I adhere to a firm resolution
If something is good
Then forward I would,
But never without attribution.

Y2K, is there some way to slow it?
And if not, will we really then blow it,
Or perhaps some young heroes
Can conquer the zeroes
And save us this world as we know it.

The Senate's redundant and rigid,
The cost now is almost six digits,
It's all such a bore
Do we have to have more?
Tempus no longer fugits, it fidgits.

Island Singer shares a classic 01/30/99

A girl who could never play tennis,
But at swimming was really a menace,
Took pains to explain,
"It depends how you train,
I'm a former street walker from Venice."

The poet comments, "I sorta don't think this is mine although I found it in with some old unfinished stuff. Anyway, enjoy."

Observer writes 01/29/99

On her wedding night, said a young bride,
"My appearance was not bona fide.
Tho I tried to augment
This most special event,
I regret that my living bra died!"

C. F. Mahan writes 01/28/99

An anonymous poet online
Had a habit of sipping cheap wine.
His vice was soon ended,
When a priest he befriended,
While writing an x-rated rhyme!

The poet comments, "I love to write lymericks! They are quite addictive, indeed!"

They say that we hillbillies are dumb;
That we can't even twiddle our thumbs!
But our football sure shines;
Those VOLS are so fine!
So, tell me. . now, where are you from?

The poet comments, "VOLS - undefeated, SEC Champions, and Fiesta Bowl Champs! GO VOLS! (We just pretend to be dumb!) "

If we were all made to be blind,
Our sight, we would suddenly find;
We'd learn to look past
Our looks and our class;
And we'd all be a little more kind!

To live in the US of A
Is a wonderful privilege, today;
We take it for granted
That here, it's enchanted;
So, we gripe and we whine and complain!

The poet comments, "Proud to be an American!"

Professor M-G writes 01/28/99

To the pope, said the prodigal son:
"Holy Father, forgive what I've done" ...
Said the pope, "It's a deal —
If you'll kindly reveal
How you stay Most Admired through such fun!"

Observer writes 01/27/99

A terminal patient named Frye
Was told by the doctor he'd die.
The doc said, "I'll give
You two months to live."
Said Frye, "I'll take March and July!"

Pangolin writes 01/27/99

Michelangelo Buonarroti
Spent most of his life on his boti
Or lying, or kneeling
Too close to the ceiling
And a scaffold too far from his poti!

Barbara Spring writes 01/27/99

In Florence the banning of books
Caused Dante to say, "Gadzooks!
If I wanted an inferno
I would have used sterno
Like sensible outdoor cooks."

The poet comments, "Thanks for the contest"

Observer writes 01/26/99

A young bride said, "I surely do hate
That my husband plays chess very late.
So my only recourse
Is to file for divorce
On the grounds that I have a stale mate!"

Still Really Disgusted (aka CB) writes 01/26/99

A Republican Congressman, Hyde,
Wanted President Clinton deep-fried.
But come Nov, Y2K
Grand Old Party will lay
Stone cold dead. Cause of death: Suicide.

The poet comments, "Fine with me."

Happy New Year, CB!

Robert Sutton, Sr. writes 01/26/99

Mary Frances is known as a fox
'Cause her hair trails down to her socks
Her Connecticut beaux
Race their old GTOs
And whoever is first Windsor Locks.

Professor M-G writes 01/26/99

What's good timing for male intromission
In nematode sperm competition? ...
Is the early worm's sperm
That which catches the germ —
Or will late sperm usurp its position?

The poet comments, "Read all about nematode sperm competition at http://www.mcb.arizona.edu/Wardlab/spermcomp.html"

Voluptuous Lady Godiva
Made Coventry's menfolk saliva ...
Her naked horse ride
Had a tax nullified —
But destroyed Peeping Tom's conjunctiva!

The poet comments, "Read all about Lady Godiva at http://www.abacom.com/~jkrause/godiva.html"

Gold Star! When the temperature's 40 degrees
Below zero, conversion's a breeze
From the Fahrenheit scale
To the Celsius ... they'll
Show an equal amount of hard freeze!

Observer writes 01/24/99

I keep getting this recurring hunch...
Politicians are such a lame bunch!
Impeachment or censure,
It's such a gut-wrencher...
"Aw forget it, let's all go to lunch!"

Professor M-G writes 01/24/99

An Austrian boa constrictor
Whose victim said "Ich bin ein dichter"
Agreed he'd unwind
To hear limericks opined ...
And so verse made his victim a victor!

The poet comments, "Keep writing those limericks, you never know when they'll come in handy"

Toast Point had to look it up. Dichter=Poet. Which he should have remembered from music history, since "Dichterliebe" is a major song cycle.

When two blood counts got switched, quid pro quo
By the labs for a new HMO
An anaemic old man
Got a very high scan ...
And a vampire's was shockingly low!

Observer writes 01/23/99

A deceitful preacher named Gibbon
Said he was not guilty of fibbin',
But a liar's contest
Then declared him the best
And gave him the "first place" blue ribbon!

K R SWIFT writes 01/22/99

In Calcutta they sleep on the street
In Sping that's a medium feat.
But when monsoons come down
And you're waist deep in brown,
Your bedroom is full of excrete!

The poet comments, "My daughters in Calcutta working with Mother Teresa'ss people. Thence the inspiration."

Secinia Boyle writes 01/22/99

There once was a stupid dumb dog
Who like to play fetch in the bog
An excitable hound
He would splash all around
Till one day he swallowed a frog!

Observer writes 01/21/99

While sailing across the Atlantic,
A passenger on the Titanic,
Asked a steward for ice...
"That will more than suffice,
But isn't it awfully gigantic?"

K R Swift writes 01/21/99

Impeachment's a G.O.P. ruse
It's causing the public to snooze
If every past prez
Were thus stalked, I can't guess
In the fallout, how many we'd lose.

Friar writes 01/21/99

There was a blind man known as Kirk
Whose company had a nice perk
A free 'Bungee jump day'
Which he loved, I must say
But his dog went completely berserk!

Observer writes 01/20/99

There was a young fellow named Ray
Who got a new boom'rang one day.
The unfortunate youth
Broke his nose and a tooth
While throwing his old one away!

Lassie's Lover writes 01/20/99

Any smooth vector field on a sphere
Will at some certain point disappear
That's why when you comb
Out the hair on your dome
You must leave a patch of it clear.

The poet comments, "A fact known to topologists as the Poincaré-Hopf Theorem."

A Cretan without any couth,
He sentenced himself, and forsooth
Epimenedes lied,
So he lived--therefore, died
So he must have been telling the truth!

Observer writes 01/19/99

If Shakespeare were writing today,
He'd say, "This vocation don't pay.
Tho an artist I ain't,
I suppose I could paint...
I'm baroque and I need the monet!"

Speckle Bird writes 01/19/99

There once was a girl named Elaine
Who fainted while boarding a Spanish Airplane
When a tourist asked "How can this be?"
They said "Well, sir, you see,"
"The brain, in Spain, fails mainly on the plane."

Observer writes 01/18/99

A gourmand, quite wide in the tracks,
Whom, no doubt, ate too many snacks,
Watched her hips and her thighs
Grow to such a great size
That she busted right out of her slacks!

John Wayland writes 01/18/99

There was an old man from Amarillo
Who collected stuffed armadillos
If you complained of the smell
He was likely to yell
We all have our own peccadillos!

The poet comments, "May require a dictionary for that last word!! LOL"

Gold Star! Speaking without innuendo
Hoping not to offend, though
When bathing at night
I suggest that you might
Close tight the blinds in your window!

Anonymous writes 01/18/99

On my browser I searched for "toast point"
I discovered those pages all over the joint
Toast Point's on a roll
But he's out of control
With energy poets can exploit.

The poet comments, "Thanks man, how many pages do you have ANYWAY?"

Lots! Each month of contest has its own page, and there are four contests which have been running since '95.

Observer writes 01/17/99

A snake from the ark of old Noah
Stopped off in Hawaii... Aloha!
Not feeling too well,
She stayed for a spell,
And gave birth to a small baby boa!

Professor M-G writes 01/17/99

Twenty thousand leagues under the C
Known as middle, as deep as can be
Paint Your Wagon's best bar
Song — called Wanderin' Star —
Was intoned by a Marvin called Lee!

In the second full week of semester
MLK Day's a mutual rester ...
'Cos a student who's off
Cannot pester a prof —
And a prof has no students to pester!

K R SWIFT writes 01/16/99

Dennis Rodman, while visiting Durban
Was arrested for wearing a turban
He was swishin round town
In a gauzy white gown
And the Sikhs found his antics perturbin'.

Observer writes 01/16/99

A man says his wife's faults are many,
She's either too fat or too skinny,
She'll deny and reject
That her husband's correct...
He'd admit his faults, if he had any!

Lest women all think me delirious,
My previous rhyme was not serious.
Tho you may call me "daft",
(Oh, I'll bet you all laughed),
My intent was not deleterious!

Popsicle writes 01/16/99

There once was a Redneck named Bill
Who made it to Capitol Hill.
How he'll be treated by history
Is a really great mystery
But he should be cast out with the swill.

Tom Avenell writes 01/16/99

The creation of quality limericks
Whould be left to those out in the sticks.
They know what is good
For your neighborhood
Even though they are certified hicks.

The poet comments, "Thanks for your web site and the many really great limericks thereon."

PattyP writes 01/16/99

If Shakespeare were writing today
There is no doubt he would say
"I thought I was clever
But I could not, never
write as meaningfully as C. Bronte

Observer writes 01/15/99

There once was a young fellow named Hatch,
While enroute to a wrestling match,
Swung the door of his car
Just a little too far
And an argument started from scratch.

Professor M-G writes 01/15/99

For the moon-landing clip from Apollo
Hippopotamus subtitles follow ...
"For an animal, that
Was a very small splat —
But for animals, one giant wallow!"

Gold Star! Said a bank tycoon's children in Truro —
Busy pulping Dutch notes from his bureau
With lira, French francs,
Punts and marks from his banks —
"Daddy, look! ... We are making you euro!"

Mikey shares a classic 01/15/99

The limerick is Irish haiku
The rhyming is easy to do
Forget all that jive
About five, seven, five
And lets have some fun, me and you.

Observer writes 01/14/99

An old man at a church rummage sale
Told his wife, "Common sense must prevail!"
Then the crazy old coot
Bought a seersucker suit
And six liters of stale ginger ale.

Professor M-G writes 01/14/99

A goldfish whom circling frustrated
While guarding a female he'd mated
Seduced twenty others ...
But guarding those mothers
He died as he superrotated!

Observer writes 01/13/99

In the old days the children were mild,
Unlike many today who are wild...
Now the law has avowed
It's no longer allowed
To be on spanking terms with your child!

Speckle Bird shares a classic 01/13/99

There once was a man from the sticks
Who enjoyed writing limericks
But he gave up the sport
Because he wrote them too short

The poet comments, "All I can add is " .""

Mikey writes 01/13/99

My hobby is writing haiku
At times it is all that I do
But once in a while
A limerick's my style
As to why, I just don't have a clue!

Professor M-G writes 01/11/99

Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
Play their soccer games Sundays at three
To a chorus of "Ref! ...
Can't you hear? ... Are you deaf? ...
ARE THERE FISH UP YOUR EARS, REFEREE?"

Observer writes 01/09/99

Said a young astronaut, Wilbur Wright,
"We can't fly to the sun, it's too bright!"
Said Orville, his sibling,
"There's no sense in quibbling,
That's no problem, we'll just go at night!"

Toast Point remembers that as an ethnic joke.

A corpulent person named Gayle
Who swam every day without fail,
Asked, "If frequent swimming
Is crucial for slimming,
Why do I resemble a whale?"

When a spaceship crashed in Decatur,
An alien crawled out of the crater,
Saying, "Let us adjourn,
Take me to an intern,
I'll go to see your leader later!"

The poet comments, "Heh, heh, heh!"

Professor M-G writes 01/07/99

Will the letters of NEW DOOR re-meld
So precisely ONE WORD can be spelled?
Rearrange, NOW REDO ...
What — O, WONDER! — 'tis true:
Neither borrowed NOR OWED, but upheld!

The poet comments, "My response to a colleague who sent the following email message: Can you rearrange the letters in NEW DOOR to make one word? "

Gold Star! A logomachist said, feeling jerks
As he drove over potholes: "This irks
Me to great stupefaction —
The road's out of action ...
But signs still inform me ROAD WORKS!"

The poet comments, "Logom'achist = one who contends with words"

If the last line's the same as the first
Edward Lear thought, whenever he versed
Then you needn't spend time
Finding three words that rhyme
'Cos the last line's the same as the first!

Krys writes 01/06/99

There once was a man named Stan
Who fell in a garbage can
He was so stout
He couldn't get out
And was swallowed by the garbage van.

Professor M-G writes 01/06/99

All us wise guys of occident are
Bearing limericks we've typed from afar
Field 'n' fountain not met
Moor 'n' mountain? No — Net
Working ... following yonder gold star!

The poet comments, "It being January 6, Feast of Epiphany, thought I'd see Xmas off with a carol of sorts ..."

Welcome back, Professor!

Three balloonists, Per, Richard and Steve
Who at globe circling failed to achieve
Mustn't know Santa's sleigh
Calms the winds in its way ...
Or they'd plan not to fly Christmas Eve!

The poet comments, "Well, how else do you explain the sudden wind loss with Santa on his rounds? Until then, the wind had been virtually on tap for Fossett et al ..."

An attorney's most privileged client
On perjury charges defiant
Contritely, with pride
Said although he'd not lied
On his word, you should not be reliant!

The poet comments, "Not to mention any names"

Politicians aren't slow to declare
Having one type of company share ...
But unless in distress
With the press they don't fess
Up when company share means affair!

The poet comments, "Still no names"

Gold Star! Anonymous corporate donors
Provisioning newborns' new owners
With a lifetime supply
Of kids' diapers piled high
Are a godsend to multiple cloners!

The poet comments, "But fertility pills are still boners!"

A dysfunctional diarist called Depys
Didn't log deeds in years that were leaps ...
Thus three fourths of his acts
Became widely known facts —
While a fourth of his secrets he keeps!

Should George Bush and Liz Dole take control
Of Al Gore and one more at the poll ...
Would the nation's first Ms.
At Vice-Prez be our Liz —
Or the first at First Gent be Bob Dole?

The poet comments, "George W., of course"

Well, someone's been storing 'em up on hiatus...

The Clintonater writes 01/04/99

Slick Willie should throw in the towel
And Hillary should finally cry "foul!"
Tune in tomorrow
To a tale of sorrow
But in 2000 let's elect Colin Powell!

How did Slick get into this mess?
We're dying to hear him confess
He'll never undo it
Since Monica blew it
DNA evidence is all over her dress.

How can politics ever be the same?
Who would play in this kind of game?
Not Hyde nor Burton
Their reputations hurtin'
The media and Starr are to blame.

Gold Star! My vocabulary's gotten spacious
I can say suborn and salacious!
It's called "Clintonese"
(A form of legalese)
Since Bill found Monica bodacious!

"We weren't alone", Slick told Starr
In Clintonese: "the door was ajar"
If he says "is" to you
Only present tense will do
The truth isn't near, it's afar

Alas, this man from Hope is into pandering
Using the "hot line" for phone sex bantering
And Wild Bill tells lies
Looking into our eyes
When he says he's not into philandering

One thing those polls have made clear
It isn't the president we need to fear
But our flagging morals
Sin finds no quarrels
With those who won't hold virtue dear

"We the people" have welshed on shame
We let repenters jump back in the game
SEXUAL OBSESSION
That's our confession
Facing Hell we just laugh at the flame

America's throne now stands debased
Why hasn't this rogue been disgraced?
As morality crumbles
No one grumbles
To an economy is our forgiveness traced

Team Clinton can spin at top speed
Giving Starr & Congress a nosebleed
"Proving perjury's tough"
"Bill's suffered enough"
We're not only spun but pureed!

Beware if you're anti-Arkansan
For Hillary stands by her man
Foiling conspiracys
Saves co-presidencys
"First Lady in 2000" is the plan

Ms. Health Care's got her "village" thing
We know she makes commodities sing
And Tipper's content
Being vice-president
"Clinton-Gore 2000", am I hallucinating!?!?

Observer writes 01/03/99

An old Texas boy named McCall
Who talked with an old southern drawl,
Said "fanger" for "finger"
And "sanger" for "singer"
And "I lak Jurry Spranger, don't y'all?"

Mallmall writes 01/02/99

My friend Tara, a slim vegetarian
Always knows what her stomach is carryin'
If you take her advice
And just 'eat lots of rice'
You may end up an octagenarian!

PattyP writes 01/02/99

After reading the limericks posted
I felt entitled so boasted
These are so lame!
No wonder no-name!
Only my poetry should be toast-ed!"

The poet comments, "Don't hate me. I'm just playing. I think all these poems are wonderful"

Observer writes 01/01/99

A baby alligator was sad
About the lonely life that he had.
Approaching two shoes,
He said, "Please excuse,
But, could you be my Mom and my Dad?"

kBrews writes 01/01/99

Off to pay your taxes you tarry,
Ever larger the burden you carry;
Blame the County Assessor,
Who knows greater, not lesser,
And disclaims, "Your millage may vary."

The season has led to some doubting,
And has driven Coach Mike to shouting,
But on this playoff day,
Let's keep 3Com at bay,
And let the Packers do the routing.

Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 01/01/99

Does Beelzebub wear a disguise?
Does he play with the zippers of guys?
The question's legit
Of this devilish twit,
After all, he's the Lord of the flies!

The poet comments, "Where is that little devil? We miss him!"

Read the Squeaky-Clean Limericks from February!
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