The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from March, 1999
Few and Far Between
Dale writes 03/31/99
A Milwaukee rabbi named Moshe
Kept practices not strictly kosher.
On a train going south
He put ham in his mouth,
Which he chewed from Racine to Kenosha!
The Convivial Codfish writes 03/31/99
A man who was called Kerouac
Had a secret for writing: beer, a pack
(Or two) before breakfast,
A visit to the druggist
For lunch, then a bottle, & he hit the sack.
The Convivial Codfish writes 03/30/99
Poor Sylvia Plath was a gel
Who really knew how to excel.
She left behind Devon
And made it to Heaven--
Too bad her fans came, now it's hell.
Miz Plath daily prays, "From my followers
(Those nuts and overwrought wallowers
In anger and blame)
And this misplaced fame,
Please save me; my fans are all hollow hers."
Lucye2 writes 03/30/99
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair
Must be longer than that of a bear!
I wish you ate tart
So you would have been smart
And, like a king, sit in a chair!
The poet comments, "it's horrible"
The third-seeded Huskies took Duke on
Expected to lose, bar a fluke, on
The night — but their shooting
Has left none disputing
That gold for prospectors at U Conn!
The poet comments, "Not a basketball fan, just a sucker for puns"
Observer writes 03/29/99
A young cowgirl whom was in pursuit
Of a bronc-ridin' cowboy named Klute,
Asked, "Single or married?"
He skillfully parried,
"Hitched, two buckin', and one in the chute!"
The poet comments, "For those folks who don't understand cowboy lingo... Last line: "Married, two kids,one on the
way!""
Mip Nosaj writes 03/29/99
There once was a kid named Jake
His wisdom teeth were pulled spring break
No girls in bikinis
No sips on martinis
And forbidden to eat any cake!
The poet comments, "Jake is the kind of guy MTV leaves out of their Spring break specials. Feel for the brother!"
Toast Point fiddled with it, for the meter.
Dave Frazee, OHIO writes 03/29/99
The Virus Melissa was ruthless
Even Microsoft Corp was toothless
She struck overnight
Caused a terrible blight
Even Bill Gates was left bootless!
The poet comments, "1st Ever for me!!"
Observer writes 03/27/99
My mower just ran out of gas -
The neighbor thinks I'm lower-class...
I threw him the finger
So he didn't linger...
Yardwork's a real pain in the grass!
On the day of Professor's bad luck,
The good friar, it seems, also struck
A taxi, a bike,
Two guys on a hike,
And a passing delivery truck!
It appears he's out on a limb,
His future might be looking dim,
He could soon have more time
For sharing his rhyme
'Cos the cops may be searching for him!
I may have a clue where he went
From the bar where he spent his last cent...
I thought I heard him say,
As I went on my way,
That he had to stop by a convent!
kBrews writes 03/26/99
At the "U" in St. Paul and its twin,
Their coach wanted so much to win,
That it seems that a tutor,
(Now like a spurned suitor),
Would write what the players turned in!
Professor, your trunk, I bent her,"
Said one grad student, Fenter,
"See I'm losing my sight,
From staying up all night,
Doing grunt work for my mentor."
Monique de Plume writes 03/26/99
'Tis hard to admit, I've no talent or wit
But easy to know what to do about it
I have no excuse--I'm not even sick,
But I can't write a decent limerick.
So I will just quit, if the muse will not visit.
The poet comments, "Yep. But it's not wonderful, that's the problem. I'll be enjoying the site, though."
The reason I have become a poet,
Is to open my heart and let the world know it,
That the answer is love,
It comes from God above,
And this is the way I can show it!
The poet comments, "I became a poet to get my message across - to put your brother before yourself, take the focus of
you, and put it on someone else, with love of course."
sbss101 writes 03/25/99
There once was a girl named Sue.
She just didn't know what to do!
When she went to the store,
She tried walking in the door,
But she just couldn't get through!
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
From the clippings made quills, which he dipped
In indelible ink
To write BIRD CLIPPERS STINK
On the door of the bird clippers' crypt!
kBrews writes
03/24/99
Claims Al in a weekly fax,
"Just me and a team of hacks,
We started the 'net,
And saved Taiwan and Tibet,
I'm so good at inventing facts."
Observer writes 03/23/99
A daring young robber named Pratt,
Said, "Put all your cash in my hat,"
To the fast-food cashier,
"Or I'll shoot off your ear!"
Cashier says, "Ya want fries with that?"
J-sky writes
03/23/99
Dancing with her was not wasted
The sweet of her lips freshly tasted
At last we said our goodnights
She forth read me my rights
All my life spent with you two hearts pasted!
The poet comments, "my first one."
Ol' Albert, that well-known hillbilly
Makes statements that sound pretty silly
For, by age 33
He'd invented, says he,
The Internet, blue jeans, and chili!
The poet comments, "What's more, he has several times spelled
"potato" correctly!"
You think that olde England was merry?
You're forgetful of literature, very!
Thomas Hardy is bleak,
The Brontes make our bones creak,
And Chas. Dickens' London was scary!
Amadeus, a genius, high-strung,
Whose operae are even now sung,
Before Don Giovanni
Had earned him much money,
Died penniless, also quite young!
Observer writes 03/22/99
A billionaire guy named Perot
Spread money around to and fro.
Though not a baker,
He was a bread-maker...
He thought that he kneaded the dough!
Beelzebub writes 03/22/99
A millennial boo-boo online
Found the rhyme-scheme a bit of a swine.
His syllable count
Gave a hopeless amount;
So the devil dropped in for a dine.
The poet comments, "Bobo2K - hope you recognize
yourself."
Rage of Sages writes 03/22/99
A philosopher, finding a stone
Thinks, "Should I toss it or leave it alone?
If I take it, its weight,
Might hinder my gait,
And I'd be in for an uncomfortable roam!"
The poet comments, "Glad of the opportunity to share in
Lunacy. Molto Grazie ya'll"
Roberto Benigni's ovation
For acting that turned concentration
Camps' ugliest strife
Into beautiful life
Made him stand on his chair with elation!
"My love to you three," wrote Narcissus
"Dear husband of my very missus,
Dear sister's sole brother,
Dear son of my mother —
I lavish on all of you kisses!"
If Shakespeare were writing today
Money would be coming his way,
And a little more fame,
Added to his name,
With Oscar glitz, and a chance to have his say.
Smile writes
03/21/99
There once was a girl named Shelley
She was fat and had a big belly.
She ate lots of slop
And her stomach went plop.
Oink-oink went her mother Kelly
Observer writes 03/20/99
An aggressive young person named Pete
Borrowed funds for a Lotus Elite.
When payments came due,
He missed the first two,
And the bank put him back on his feet!
The poet comments, "Lotus Elite made in England 1957-1962,
revived 1974-1982."
There once was an artist named Frank,
Whom often got tanked when he drank.
The liquor pervaded
His mind and it faded...
And he kept on drawing a blank!
When Observer observed that same monk
After dinging my car, get folks drunk
So much money was spent
That the size of the dent
In his wallet now matches my trunk!
Xelanire writes some sort of poem
03/19/99
I know she listens
In her eyes is passion
Scintillating glitter
Stars in them gather
Twinkles of illumination.
The poet comments, "cosmic sentiments"
Friar writes 03/19/99
Professor, please let me explain
It was dark and was pouring with rain
I was drunk as a hood
And my eyesight’s not good
But why park your car in the fast lane?
The poet comments, "Prof, I have been working in a foreign land
for the last seven months (one week to go), hence my few and far
between contributions. "
Observer writes 03/19/99
A lovely young Finn in the nude,
While skiing...agreed to be viewed.
It was leaked to the news,
The male judge blew a fuse,
He protested, "I've been misconstrued!"
The poet comments, "I'm curious...how many hits a day do you
get on your site?"
Toast Point used to keep track of such things, but hasn't bothered in a while.
Teresa Wild writes 03/19/99
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
I bet Bill Clinton wish there he'd be,
When Monica's dress,
Got him in a mess,
For telling porkies to us and Hilary!
ZoSoL writes
03/18/99
I've done pretty well so far
Since my first try got me a gold star!
I wonder what next
Wins this humorous text?
I hope it's a brand new car!
Tony Vail writes 03/18/99
So Colin is going to Honkers
Goodbye to cricket and conkers
Goodbye to the rain
And the Central Line Train
Really, he must be so bonkers!
The poet comments, "We'll all miss Colin!"
Observer writes 03/18/99
There's reports in my local gazette
Of political Russian roulette.
Though not unexpected,
He's feeling neglected...
So Al Gore has now fathered "the Net"!
The poet comments, "Greetings guys! I'm not sure what
happened but this one is being submitted for the third time.
Apparently you're not receiving at times."
Said a dairy farm owner named Moffit,
"Though I am pullin' down quite a profit,
The guver'mint's bilkin'
My income from milkin'
'Cos the tax-man cain't keep his hands off it!"
Teresa Wild writes 03/18/99
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!"
"I really don't like to make a big thing"
But you are being paid good dosh,
From me, for eating you nosh,
So away to the kitchen with this fly paste!
The Sage gently reminds the poet that the first, second and fifth lines must rhyme...
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
May be more probably
But as I ain't know diving
So I can't do the counting
And tell the figure exactly.
Bobo2000 writes 03/17/99
The man is very strong
He is stronger then King Kong
He lifts weights night and day
His birthday is in May
He gave up and wrote a love song.
Observer writes 03/16/99
A juvenile brat, Cletus Cleeper,
Threw rocks at a passing street sweeper.
Said mom, "I sure think
That child needs a shrink!"
Says dad, "But a laxative's cheaper!"
There once was a sinner unhealed
His net worth a minimum yield
Still he asked to be saved
Before finding his grave
Buried, unmarked in a field.
A mathematician called Newton
While under a tree that was fruitin'
Got hit by an apple —
Which forced him to grapple
With gravity needin' computin'!
Anonymous writes 03/16/99
A philosopher, finding a stone
Found himself all surrounded, alone.
The stone he did find
Did weird things to his mind,
He had entered the place called the O-Zone.
You're thinking that ducks have no brain--
Well, better be thinking again
'Cause a big plastic owl
Can't scare off the fowl
That splash in my pool in the rain.
Teresa Wild writes a poemish thing
03/16/99
If Shakespeare were writing today
What words do you think he would say?
Maybe "I have read what English writers can do,
And it does not compare to my Taming of the Shrew"
For that in itself
hold a great wealth
on what you can get a woman to do.
Ms. Wild, get you to the Hints on Limerick Structure.
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
Sat thinking "yes a bit of me has been ripped"
But he knows as all wise bird do,
That time heals all, even this slight pain,
For they will grown back, so he can will fly again.
Observer writes 03/14/99
The friar guy went to a bar
Right after he damaged your car...
Saw him with my own eyes,
Buy a round for the guys
And we all had a hardy-har-har!
I observed for a spell, then I went-
Because all of my money was spent.
My advice to you, Prof,
Is to write it all off...
The monk seemed like a very nice gent!
An atheist person named Ganser,
Repentant and dying of cancer,
Thought, "How very unfair..."
When he called dial-a-prayer
And discovered there was no answer!
Observer writes 03/13/99
Said Barbara, "Hey, what in the heck's
This thing you call 'telephone sex'?
I may be naive,
But I can't conceive
A topic that's quite so complex!"
The poet comments, "Duh! But don't worry...Monica explained it."
A monk of impeccable piety
Believing life's spice is variety
Prayed Catholic, Jew
Muslim, Protestant too
But belonged to a Buddhist society!
I.C.U writes 03/12/99
For you I would cross any border
For you I'd make shrines out of mortar
To the ends of the earth
For your jelly of girth
If you'd just terminate my court order!
The poet comments, " Damn I loved that girl(s)."
When thr taxman just auctioned your farm,
And a pint wouldn't do you no harm,
Here's something to do,
See good Irish stew,
And a Guiness at St.Pattys.com
The poet comments, "Here in my home town, we celebrate this time of year in the
truly Irish way
........with little money and a lot of Guiness!"
A tongue-twister tweaker termed Twoles
Served six seasick sheikhs saucy soles
Said the sixth seasick sheikh:
"Saucy sole is sure chic ...
But I choose to chew rolls, eschew shoals!"
Observer writes 03/11/99
A brilliant sculptor named Hannett -
Quite clearly the best on the planet...
Created a bust
From resin and dust
And everyone took it for granite!
CindyM writes 03/11/99
There once was a donkey named Dooley
Whose behavior was very unruley
Some say he's unkind
But more stubborn, I find
In fact, I would say he's just muley.
I became a year older this morn
My new age gives the year I was born
When reversed — yet my age
Ain't so easy to gauge ...
Am I more like an oak, or acorn?
The poet comments, "I could be 18 (at a stretch), 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81 or
90"
A lovely young Finn who went skiing
Stark naked, has courts disagreeing
One judge is for jail ...
But another — a male —
Is for crime reconstruction, then seeing!
Observer writes 03/10/99
A pentagon Thomas is sweating
'Bout fame that he soon may be getting...
Cos he'd like to abort
An appearance in court
O'er actions he's no doubt regretting!
There was a young woman named Ball
Who got locked in a lavat'ry stall;
She was quite well-behaved,
And on crackers she'd saved
She survived till the following Fall.
There was a young hoodlum named Hideo
Who resided within the Presidio;
He was riddled with flaws,
And got locked up because
Someone captured them all on home video.
Seen a swing dancing class? ... Overall
It's a fumble across the dance hall ...
'Cos the men who cavort
There are mostly so short —
And the women are mostly so tall!
The poet comments, "Strange, but true"
Observer writes 03/09/99
With release of Monica's Story,
She's now in confused state of glory(?)...
She'll, no doubt, soon be seen
In Playboy magazine
And on Sally, Ricki, and Maury!
She'll continue to beat her own drum
And then, soon, the commercials will come...
Cos it's Monica's right
To promote day and night
Her own lipstick, cigars, diet gum!
Morgan writes 03/09/99
Take warning and shun the tamale --
They're warming, but deadly, by gale;
And one is enough --
They're made of such stough --
To eat them at all is a fale!
The poet comments, "Written
1938-39
for the Arizona KittyKat."
Saw a monk leave my car with a dent
And a note saying, "Sorry it bent" ...
Now I'm searching .com
To know who the note's from
And the place where the friar guy went ...
The poet comments, "Aha, interesting ..."
Once a camel with air in its hump
Did escape from the zoo in one jump ...
It released all its air
Through a tussock of hair
And forced helium back with a pump!
Observer writes 03/08/99
Johnny Cash said, "I surely deplore
That they don't play my songs any more.
I have my frustrations
With radio stations
And they really are makin' me sore!"
The poet comments, "One of country music's greatest! It's too bad the old-timers get
neglected in favor of new-comers with less talent."
Be the match made in heaven or hell,
Who could date a renowned ne'er-do-well?
But a famous no-use? ...
Someone, please introduce
Kato Kaelin to Monica L!
Oh, please, at least Monica has some skills...
They called Joe Dimaggio, "Joltin Joe"'
The love of his life, Miss Monroe,
They were not married long,
Both remembered in song,
Maybe now together they can hug and go.
The poet comments, "A great man"
D'ya hope your new-century babe'll
Be born with that First of Jan label?
Then, experts relate,
April 9 is a date
To reserve for romance if you're able!
There once was a boy called Fred
Who loved to stand on his head.
Until one day he found
His head was no longer round
But flat on the top, instead!
There once was a mischievous teacher
Who was quite a ridiculous creature.
She always started her class
Wearing a mysterious mask
And no one could ever get near her.
The poet comments, "Writing a selection of "Limericks For Little Ones" with a target
audience of children."
Observer writes 03/07/99
I sat down with the wife for a chat.
She says, "Dear, do you think I look fat?"
Now, maybe in Reno,
I'd bet the casino...
But, on this one, I think I'll stand pat!
I responded, "You're perfect, my dear!
But wait... Is that the doorbell I hear?
My stomach is twitchin'...
As you pass the kitchen,
Could you kindly, please fetch me a beer?"
Says the wife, "You know just what to say!
By the way, have you seen the cheese tray?
Sure, I'll get you a brew,
And for myself a few
Of those chocolates from valentines day!"
The poet comments, "Ain't love grand??"
Now the lipstick that Monica wore
On TV is sold out at the store ...
Who'd take Monica's tips
On promoting their lips —
Would-be interns who plan an encore?
TR writes 03/06/99
There once was a man named Bo.
He had a son-in-law named Joe.
They both married none other
Than Joe's brother's grandmother
I saw it on the Jerry Springer show!
Observer writes 03/06/99
A young hillbilly fellow named Wade,
Daily swaggered to school, unafraid...
As a general rule,
His dad walked him to school,
Because they were both in the same grade!
Harry Blackmun, farewell — have no fears
About carrying tabs unto biers ...
'Cos our memory's made
Of not Roe versus Wade
But the way that you wiggled your ears!
Mr Clinton took another big hit,
Was told the decision was not moral or legit,
Was the pilot wrong,
Or is this just a song,
To really give our Dear President a fit.
Hillary Rodham wants a Senator to be,
She really just wants more money from you and me,
Just more public dole,
Living free is their goal,
But they could have a real fight with Mr Giuliani!
The Convivial Codfish writes 03/05/99
If Shakespeare were writing today
He'd rival Andrew Dice Clay.
The Bard was no prude--
In fact, was quite rude,
And wrote many a foul play.
The poet comments, "But perhaps I should not speak of country matters in the
squeaky-clean forum?"
Observer writes 03/05/99
Observer's been down with the flu.
Had my doubts that I would pull through.
Spent some time in the bed
With a bad aching head,
And a few extra hours in the loo!
But, alas! I have now been revived,
And a new lease on life has arrived!
My medicine chest
Can now take a rest,
I'm so happy to say, "I survived!"
Friar writes 03/05/99
I dinged a parked car - what a shame
And the folks who saw I was to blame
Looked real pleased when I wrote
And left a small note
Which they thought was my number and name!
A lovely young Finn who went skiing
Was really enjoying her being,
First she seen a hare,
Then along came a bear,
And immediately she had to start fleeing!
Conversation I heard after class:
"Why's the bookstore so crowded?" ... "I pass" ...
"There's a book they all want" ...
"Of course — Monica's on't" ...
"No — they're snapping up Walt's 'Leaves of Grass'!"
Chip technology marches right on
What today's new, tomorrow is gone ...
But if chips are so smart
I would know, for a start
Why my watch still shows Feb 31!
The Senate voted one hundred to zip,
Can't argue with that, Give no lip,
So where do we go?
What do we know?
This could be a long long trip.
The ice and snow can slow you down,
Spin your car round and round,
Driveway is slick,
Walking's a trick,
Thoughts of early spring do abound.
The snow comes drifting from the sky,
It dips and flips like a pretty butterfly,
The air smells clean,
The streets are mean,
The deer go dancing on the sly.
Friendship is a special thing,
A million joys it can bring,
It brightens eyes,
Like sunny skies,
Even the sad will start to sing!
Gardening is my favorite pastime,
Potatoes and tomatoes sure do rhyme,
Beans are neat,
Onions a treat,
The exercise keeps me in my prime.
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
Has every right to believe he's been gypped,
He now can't proudly fly,
Or sail the sky on the sly,
His greatest power has from him been ripped.
I have a computer that"s all mine,
It gets me to "AOL" all the time,
Sometimes it jumps,
Sometimes it dumps,
But the rest of the time it does just fine.
The poet comments, "Love the Puter"
In July I called Social Security with a smile,
They said I was early, needed to wait a while,
I bided my time,
Surely this is a crime,
Now they say in November my check will be in style.
The poet comments, "Love Social Security too."
If Shakespeare were writing today
He might not even want to stay,
The nasty jokes,
The nasty folks,
Might make him want to run away.
The billions owed at its audit
Have earned the tax office no plaudit ...
If accounts in a mess
Are what cheats IRS
Then itself best knows how to defraud it!
Said Igor, _Sacre du Printemps_
Created a great contretemps!
Some St. Petersburg louse
Booed it out of the house,
So I took myself off to douce France!
The poet comments, "A comment on the career of the composer Igor
Stravinsky"
Edd writes 03/01/99
Like they say, He's Slick Willie
His video testimony was sure a dilly,
What is "IS",
The words just fizz,
He makes the Presidency look plain silly.
Impeachable Crimes is the big word,
As far as count, he is the third,
The facts are a pile,
He is in full denial,
Why won't he just fly like a bird.
The poet comments, "Just found your site- Love it. Edd"
Will there be a true legacy,
Guess we'll just wait and see,
Dancing on a pin,
Giving words a spin,
What else can Billy hope to flee?
I get discounts on my monthly web page bill if I display this button. I get
even more money off if you click the button - try it and see!