The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from February, 1999
from Poets Who Could Write a Steamier Book Than Monica!
A man both disgusting and crass
Poked a long rubber hose up his ass
It wasn't the shit
That caused him to quit
He was jailed for siphoning gas!
A guy of fastidious mind
Envied cats who could lick their behind
While stretching his tongue
To lick his own bung
He became stoop-shouldered and blind!
The poet comments, "I have been accused of a sickness that is uncurable."
The night before the big show,
Eugene shopped for a quick blow;
No, he didn't refrain,
From cruisin' Biscayne,
Now known as tough road to ho'.
"Hey, waitress, my soup's go a fly in!,
I don't know what sport you are tryin';
If you're anglin' my eel,
Then take up your reel,
And I'll show you some tricks about tiein'".
Sweet Monica thought it no sin
To chug a whole fifth of gin
Which explains cum-stained dresses
Her dishevelled tresses
And that mess dripping off of her chin!
The poet comments, "(c) 1999 Bob Moers"
Mark from Dublin writes 02/18/99
He wanted to be a sex stud
And greatly enlarge his manhood
But it all went so wrong
And he lost half his schlong
Cos his DOCTOR was called 'HOLLYWOOD'
The poet comments, "Typically Topical"
The whole trouble with airlines is planes
And I am always at pains
To point out the fact
That the things they lacked
Were blood and balls and BRAINS!
Bobo (Hi Coco!) writes 02/15/99
There once was a buck from Gilbraltar
Who left a young lass at the altar;
Some say he went queer,
Others say ‘twas the beer,
And the buggers and drunks, they all fault her!
The poet comments, "I dedicate this unworthy doggerel to my visionary poet-friend Coco.
Why, I ask you, are the good ones always taken? "
Mikey writes 02/13/99
There was an old man in the City
Who tried making love to his kitty
The poor cat revolted
Out the back door she bolted
And now he's alone, what a pity!
There once was a man caught off guard,
When he for-got his Valentine's card,
But his gal had the laugh,
When she noticed his staff,
And told him that things could stay hard.
The poet comments, "Experience is an awful teacher..."
The moral of this tale is true,
And not such a hard thing to do,
To avoid such laughter,
Just wait until after,
Then break the bad news when you're through!
The poet comments, "Live and learn..."
Bubba writes 02/10/99
There was a young lady from France
Who took a train by chance
First, the engineer fucked her
Then the conductor
While the fireman shot off in his pants!
H writes 2/10
Misfortune, this new central air -
It gave all my guests a good scare.
My farts were all trapped -
Their t-cells got zapped.
‘Twas mightier than Legionnaire.
The only cure that I could think of
Was burning that poisonous stink off.
But when I went thence
To light some in-cense,
The fire brought to death us the brink of.
A baker who made kidney tarts
Would eat ‘em with fish sauce and warts.
The stray cats would beg
And sniff at his leg
And drool at the smell of his farts.
Last night in the club we had bells on,
When all of the patrons, they smelled one.
They’re sniffin’ and whiffin’ -
The axe-man was riffin’ -
But *I* stole the show with a swell one.
I had me some chili last night
With limas and corn - a delight.
Them SBD fumes
Could clear 50 rooms.
Thank god I began to ignite.
A hurricane’s formed to the lee!
Mate! Radio lubbers to flee!
The tide will soon surge!
God damn this foul urge!
I shouldn’t be farting at sea...
I held back my shit for a week
Then cut me a slathering freak.
That glorious flatus;
That cheesy mutatus!
The neighbors now frown and don’t speak.
=H=- 1999
Deep-goat writes 02/09/99
If Shakespeare were writing today
Romeo would probably say,
"Yo bitch, Juliet
Yo pussy's quite wet
So open up and swallow my spray!"
ARG writes 02/07/99
There was a youngman named Keith
Who was returning from town with a Heath
He came upon a young girl named Candy
And he found out without a doubt candy was dandy
And sex don't rot your teeth!
Miss Lewinsky took off for D.C.
And the oval-shaped digs of Big He.
It came as no shock
When she sucked on his c---k,
Not even to Dame Hillary!
The poet comments, "variant on another."
Tommy G shares a classic 02/06/99
She was thinking her thoughts so sublime
That she tried to put them to rhyme
And then she discovered
As her thoughts were uncovered
That there were far too damn many sylables in the last line!
The poet comments, "Thankx to Nils Bjorksten"
Digger writes 02/06/99
There was an old man from Nome
Married a nurse from the Home
Wed at Niagara
Took some Viagara
Drove his bride all the way home!
The poet comments, "I Like It!!! Alot!"
Young Monica went to D.C.
To the oval-shaped digs of Big He.
Toying with a cigar,
Miss Lewinsky went far,
And didn't tell Dame Hillary!
The poet comments, "More where this one came from, running from Neanderthal Man to
the Pithecanthropines who run this country."
Mary Christmas shares a classic 02/04/99
There once was a priest that could sing
And talk about God and such things,
But his secret desire
Is a boy in the choir
With a bottom all jelly and springs!
An episiotomy slip
Caused Sadie to loosen her grip
She then said with a pout
"My tampon fell out
And I now have a post-coital drip!"
The poet comments, "(1999) Bob Moers"
Big Bob writes 02/04/99
H gave her cunt a good scrape
Then set about "lubing" his snake
But as he rubbed in the oil
His balls started to boil
Eighty bucks for a wank, for fucks' sake!
The poet comments, "Top what, years of practice and you still can't get a gold star !"
Um, maybe it's because of not-rhymes like "scrape" and "snake"?
Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"
I've a big tool I must slip inside ya!
As she slipped up her skirt,
He said "Ma'am don't be hurt"
But it's a clamp so I can drill your incisor!
Won Fon Igai shares a classic 02/03/99
There once was a man from Cheaney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Lacking in couth,
He added vermouth
And slipped his wife a martini!
K R Swift writes 02/02/99
Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"
I can't quite get my damn tool insid yer'
If I give you more gas,
And you unclamp your ass.
I can fill all your teeth while I ride yer!
If Shakespeare were writing today
I think that by chance he would say
Hey, Dugan, you fool,
You look like a tool
Staring at that computer all day!
In walked my mother one day -
She saw me and started to say,
"You're my loving son"
Then she turned to run
Because I'd just started to spray!
The poet comments, "masturbation-ah yes... masturbation"
An anonymous poet online
Was trying to find a good rhyme
Came upon a web site
Of girls who are tight
And blew off his work for a shine.
If Shakespeare were writing today
I think that by chance he would say
Hey, Dugan, I think
That all blow jobs stink
Unless they're received right away.
Is there such a thing as a delayed-action blowjob?
Mikey writes 02/01/99
There was a young man in Nantucket.
His scrotum was stuffed in a bucket.
If it was much bigger
I think it would figure
He'd need a wheelbarrow to truck it!
The poet comments, "variation on a raunchy old classic"
Mikey shares a classic 02/01/99
There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought all good things came from God
But it warn't the Almighty
That lifted her nitey
Twas Roger the lodger, by Gawd!
The poet comments, "Always envied Rodger, and his godlike attributes."
Rhubarb shares classics from Pentatette and elsewhere
from Richard Lancashire
We thought we were going to die
When the minister raised his arms high,
The benediction to say,
But it wasn't his day.
He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!
from Anonymous
There was a young lady named Jeannie,
Who sunned in a teeny bikini.
Two wisps, light as air,
One here and one there,
And nothing but Jeannie betweenie.
from John Miller
We tell children, to give them a fright,
About "Things That Go Bump In The Night!"
But rather than frightful,
Some bumping's delightful,
When the bumpers are doing it right.
from Robert W. Wenck
Dear Nancy, on children she dotes;
Took in five of them, feeling her oats.
When her boyfriend came over,
She said, "Not now, Rover;
The kids will all watch and take notes."
from George Seferis
There was a young girl of Naupactus
Who had an affair with a cactus;
And the record for fitting
In pricks at one sitting,
Without benefit of much practice.
from Anonymous
There once was a girl named Girth
With the biggest vibrator on Earth.
When it went up her spout,
All her filling shook out,
And a building fell down in West Perth.
from John Miller
Said the Nazi, adjusting his pants,
"Heil Hitler! Let's drink to the chance
Of a son with blonde head."
Said the girl, "Drink instead
To the clap you've just caught! Vive la France!"
from John Miller
I have no sperm I can donate, I fear;
What little I have I hold dear.
I hold out each day
For the United Way;
And I gave at the office last year.
from John Miller
My boss is a fellow named Sid,
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid.
Just outside his door,
As sign said, "Wet Floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it...and did!
from John Miller
The fireworks last night were a smash,
But some of the food was such trash--
I passed wind in the dark
Then heard someone remark,
"I heard the NOISE but where's the FLASH?"
from Anonymous
There once was a gay bloke named Bob,
Who broke down and started to sob
When his Mum to him said,
"There's sperm on your head,
And poo on the end of your nob."
from John Chastaine
Jack used to take Ken to the shore,
And treat his cute butt like a whore.
When screwing he'd shout,
If his dick would fall out,
"Toto, I'm not in Ken's ass anymore."
from Anonymous
Annabel was a girl from Bangore,
Who turned out to be quite a whore.
She went to the states,
Banged up 250 mates,
From the video, you could tell she was sore.
from John Miller
At the whorehouse, the homely Miss Bright
Tallied tricks that went clear out of sight.
Her outstanding feature:
This former schoolteacher
Made you practice till you got it RIGHT!
from John Miller
My sister's best friend is a twerp,
Who guzzles her drinks with a slurp,
To entrain enough air
For a rendition (fair)
Of "Hail to the Chief" in one burp.
from John Miller
"Sixty nine was a bit of a flop,"
Said the girl as she moved back on top.
"If sex must be kinky,
Let's try some less stinky,
So you won't have a reason to stop."
from Doug from Upland
His orange dick had made him unstable--
"Doctor, please help if you're able!"
"There's no sore or decay--
How to you spend your day?"
"I eat Cheetos and watch the porn cable!"
from John Miller
I met her one night on the strand
Where she'd frolicked all day in the sand.
This caused some abrasion
To mar the occasion;
'Cept for that, the encounter was grand.
from David B
There was an old codger named Mort,
Who with a young thing did cavort.
And when he was tried,
His attorney denied,
Saying the evidence won't stand up in court.
from John Miller
"Do unto others," they say,
"As you'd have them treat you that way."
But kindly feel free
To omit this with me,
If you're masochist, crazy, or gay.
from Vertech Limerick Contest
The computer we know as "Big Blue",
Was taught what competitors do.
So when Kasparov came near,
It bit off his ear,
And spat it to Queen's Bishop 2.
from Stargazer
About Tyson I don't need to rant any.
Excuses? I don't think I'll grant any.
I only point out
That the asinine lout
Share a habit with Shakespeare's Mark Anthony.
from John Miller
Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play.
When the male made a pass
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
from Spose
A traveler who called himself Mort
Took girls on a cruise for some sport.
They thought it was nice
Going round the world twice,
Before they had even left port.
from Warrick Elrod
The Earth may be struck by a comet,
And suffer no ill effects from it.
We may even get past
A great nuclear blast,
But we'll choke on vehicular vomit.
from John Miller
Said the old man, "I'll sell you my land,
But it's sacred to me where we stand.
My first piece of ass
Was right here in this grass;
I hope, sir, that you'll understand."
from John Miller
Said the buyer, "I understand well,
We'll leave you this one little dell."
Said the man, "And that wood
Where her dear mother stood,
And watched us, I also won't sell."
from John Miller
He was asked, "Are you handing me crud?
...Did she threaten and call for your blood?"
Said the man, "I recall
She said nothing at all,
Just went right on chewing her cud."
from Jeeves
It is said, or so I have heard,
That a woman is like a dog turd.
The older they are,
They're easier by far
To pick up. Now is that not absurd?
from John Miller
"Damn! why are you naked?" he cursed.
"For my birthday - it's my sixty first -
I thought I'd look cute
In a real birthday suit."
"Well next time, please iron it first!"
from Limrk
An ugly old hag named Medusa
Couldn't get any man to seduce her.
But even if not,
She would always get hot
When the snakes on her head used to goose her.
from R. Wooten
Picky I never have been,
But the pickin's 'round here are so slim
That this buffalo who
In the states was a two
Is beginning to look like a ten.
from John Miller
She awoke with a donkey pressed near,
Said, "Damn! Too much party, I fear!
God I must have been tight!"
Said the donkey, "That's right,
But only the first time, my dear!"
from John Chastaine
Here's a question designed to perplex,
About turtles about to have sex.
Since they can't really flex
Their hard outer decks,
To get the right hole, which one checks.
from Norm Storer
While playing the lead role in Lear,
And actor (decidedly queer)
Found vast satisfaction
Whenever the action
Directed was, 'Enter from rear'.
from Limericks for John
An actor, though caught in his drawers,
Went on lovemaking without a pause.
Though the husband cried, "Nay!"
He performed through the day
And finished to grudging applause.
from Michael Weinstein
The producer's a bastard named Jay.
The director's an ogre named Ray.
After much abuse, Sue
The lead female said, "Who
Must I screw to get out of this play?"
from Sally Yocum
A wonderful writer was he,
With "The Raven" and Annabel Lee,"
And it shouldn't surprise
That his fame would arise;
The poet fits Poe to a "t".
from Bob Giandomenico
A Dutch lad, libido a-surge,
Found wanking a pet way to purge.
When his ma, in distress,
Found his sheets such a mess,
"Lo, thou, and goo dikewise," would urge.
from Norm Storer
Napoleon's Russian campaign,
Became before long, a damn pain;
But sweet Josephine
Helped him hide from the scene
By soaking her pants in Champagne.
from Loren C. Fitzhugh
The shipmates of Mariner Short:
"Though it's true he does not seem the sort.
In ports Christian or Hindu,
He's quite quickly into
Every girl into whom he puts Port.
from John Mayhood
In the grape-growing region of Merritt,
The grape-stomping maids like to share it.
They all go so merry
On Bordeaux and Sherry,
It takes them nine months to de-claret.
from Loren C. Fitzhugh
Ellen DeGeneres said, "It's true
I have loved and more than a few.
But I told Kathy Lee,
'If you'll just marry me,
I swear I'll always be Frank with you.'"
from Tom Patton
Marv Albert set the sports world agog.
His mind snapped and his brain slipped a cog.
He started to bark,
His teeth made a mark.
It's always news when man bites a dog.
from David Finely
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There are things that I do know:
Fornication's perverse;
Bestiality's worse;
And chastity's numero uno.
from David Finely
There was a young lady of Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
Gave her chocolates and wine,
She knew that it meant harassment.
from David Finely
To his clubfooted child spoke Lord Gillity,
"Despite breeding from higher nobility,
A recessive gene pair
In which both parents share,
Severely impaired your mobility."
from Norm Storer
I know a frenetic young Mexican,
Who daily seeks all of the sex he can;
After some years
His life will shift gears,
And never be quite so complex again.
from Thomas M. Patton
A young man so brainy, named Dwight,
Wed the Siamese twin on the right.
To satisfy his whims,
He had choice of quims.
They had a manage a trois every night.
from Al Willis
I'll say a kind word about marriage.
It's something I'd never disparage.
You get lots of sex,
But it has some effects.
I just bought my third baby carriage.
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