The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from March, 1999
from Poets Who Offer Candy to Children!
A nubile young Finn on her skis
Shouted out: "Look at me! Look at these!"
As she sped down the switchback
Dressed only in pitch black
Nipple caps and a see-through chemise!
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in,
And it looks like the poor fly is dyin'!
Will the Heimlich maneuver
Help him to recover?"
"I doubt it... well, not without dryin'"
If Shakespeare were writing today
He’d have made his lone way to L.A.
Where he’d have to give head
To the guys with the bread
If he wanted to put on a play!
The pussy’s not much of a sight:
To reveal it is thought impolite
But the pussy appeals
In the way that it feels
When you slide into mine in the night!
A curious mammal's the beaver
When sniffed out by a canine retriever
Slips under the lake
It's its habit to make
And splits without using a cleaver.
CB writes 03/30/99
If Melissa arrives in your box
With I-sites where you get off your rocks,
While you're viewing pudenda
Melissa will send a
Fresh copy to fifty more jocks!
The poet comments, "Virus writers should be sent to Singapore and caned."
Og writes 03/30/99
A curious mammal's the beaver
Not the animal-- but the "receiver"
It's a great place to hide
A gent's sausage inside
A grand prize for the overachiever!
The poet comments, "HELLO TO ALL YOU LIMERICK LOONIES
AND ERIC + WUMPUS....
FROM OGTHEPOET2/WRITERMAN."
Og, sweetie, where ya been?
Lucye2 writes 03/30/99
There was an old man who said, "Well,
Will nobody answer the bell?
I have rung day and night
Till my hair has turned white
And now I must go up to Hell!"
Bakai writes 03/30/99
My love, Marylou, likes to bleat
While I'm munching away on her treat.
She knows that her noise
Befuddles my poise
So she muffles my ears with her feet!
Bakai writes 03/29/99
My sweet Marylou, heaven knows
Is blessed with a big bulbous nose
Sometimes, while she gums me
She'll hold it quite chumly
Poor thing, she thinks it's my globes!
The poet comments, "More poetic license. You think this is easy?"
Lest her talents remain yet unsung
I must mention my Marylou's tongue
Though I love it inside
Every gap in my hide
I prefer her big toe in my bung!
The poet comments, "Have I no shame?"
Hot sex with my gal is the best
Though, at times, Marylou likes to rest
I've never complained
I'm quite entertained
Just quietly shaving her chest!
Anonymous writes 03/29/99
Mellissa I love your e-mail -
I wanted a pic of your tail!
Instead of a flash
My computer did crash
I guess I should have liked Gail.
The poet comments, "AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM: MELLISSA"
A sexy young woman called Eve
Wore her pussy upon her left sleeve
And her heart on the right
For doubled delight
And something else you won't believe!
The poet comments, "This is the first part of a short story"
Her good friend Alonso said: "Eve,
I am drawn to the scent of your sleeve
May I kiss your left wrist?
Oh please? I insist!
It’s the highest bliss I could achieve."
Said Eve to Alonso, "You may
Kiss me first on the right and then play
Your tongue up and down
The left sleeve of my gown,
But make sure that you do it all day."
Said Alonso to her, "Darling Eve
All day long’s far too short for your sleeve.
Is the rest of your life
(If you’ll just be my wife)
Long enough? Otherwise I must leave."
Said Eve to Alonso, "Please stay
Both my sleeves say: ‘Don’t go away.’
You’re melting my hips
With the touch of your lips
On my sleeves. Please continue, I pray."
Said Alonso, "I can’t get enough,
And I’m charmed by this sweet little ruff...
So I shall, (by your leave)
Warm my face in your sleeve
As one warms one’s hands in a muff."
Said Eve to Alonso, "Sweet chap,
Leave my sleeve, come, and lie in my lap.
Though your ardour’s not cooled
I fear you’ve been fooled
By this poetic metaphor crap."
Hee hee hee!
The man from Nantucket was brave
When he found a dead whore in a cave:
He canned the green meat
(Which was sticky and sweet)
In a bucket, the rule-breaking knave!
The poet comments, "Just a comment on censorship - let's see what you do with
it?"
God must have had a good laugh
At Commandment # ten-and-a-half
Which read: "Thou Shalt Not
(or Impeachment’s thy lot)
Comfort thy Rod in thy Staff."
The poet comments, "Positively my last on the subject. "
Wee Willy Winkle shares a classic 03/28/99
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair
When she picked up his hat
she realized that
She'd been screwed by Smokey the Bear!
There once was a lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway -
She told her young man
"Get off the divan"
"I think I've discovered one more way!"
I went to a bar on the strand
To hear my friend's naturist band
They're gorgeous brunettes
And they finished their set
To the sound of one clapping hand.
The poet comments, "umm... my other hand was busy, ok?"
Marquis writes
03/28/99
On hearing the Presidents distress,
Young Monica couldn't care less!
She said, "I'd rather fuck
And describe in my book
Than clean out the cum from my dress!"
The poet comments, "I suppose it is/was sort of topical. And I haven't posted one
for a while."
Bakai writes 03/28/99
My dear Marylou, every morn
Eats a waffle while looking at porn
The syrup that drips
From her pink puffy lips
She reuses in spite of my scorn!
My dove Marylou's quite a slob -
Makes a mess while licking my knob.
But I don't dare protest
It's a nuisance, at best
Just thoughts while I watch her head bob.
My gnarly old crank ain't a prize
But it's grand in Marylou's eyes
She tells me it's cute
And she won't give a hoot
'Til the day it fails to rise.
My love Marylou's quite a flirt
Loves to tease my best friend, Big Bert
Once, out having dinner
She pulled out his winner
And fondled it during dessert!
My gal, Marylou, with a grin,
Got up so to let her folks in.
I should have wiped off
With a tissue or cloth
Those gobs of my goo on her chin!
The poet comments, "That's it. I quit.
This poetry form will never be popular."
A statesmanly woman named Hillary
said: "I’m pissed off with your peccadillory -
All this billin’ and cooin’
With Monica Lewin-
Sky's givin' me terrible billary!"
The poet comments, "Seems obligatory to do a White House Joke limerick..."
Bakai writes 03/27/99
Oft times my sweet gal, Marylou
Will color her boobies bright blue
Though clever with paint
An artist she ain't
The damn things still hang quite untrue!
My gal, Marylou, seems to drool
Whenever she sits on my tool
Because I can't rest
With her spit on my chest
She must wear a bib, that's my rule!
My love, Marylou, throws a fit
Each time that I nibble her clit
She says I'm a fool
To be ever so cruel
While her teeth are so close to my sprit!
The poet comments, "Poetic license."
My pet Marylou's big pudendum
Is quite a handful, and then some
I'm told there are sweeter
Much smaller and neater
If you've got any pictures, please send them!
The poet comments, "Really stretching for this one."
When my dove, Marylou, passes gas
It's more than a poof from her ass
There's a thunderous din
Plus a shredding of skin
And a settling of dust in your glass.
My squeeze, Marylou, might be dizzy
And her belly hair is kinda frizzy
But after one beer
She does something dear
She takes out her teeth and gets busy!
The poet comments, "That's enough for one day."
Foop writes 03/27/99
A petite housewife named Babette
For a week only ate cassoulet.
This created a vapor
That peeled the wallpaper,
And scorched the fur off her pet.
Frustrated indeed was young Doris,
Quite tired of flogging clitoris.
Then she found it not frightening,
Much more, quite enlightening,
When her fanny got stuffed by friend Morris!!!
The poet comments, "first original to Toast"
A quirky young lad from Dundee,
Didst bugger an ape [in a tree!!]
The results were most horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee!!
Bambi writes 03/24/99
There was an old codger named Straw
Who developed a terrible flaw
His prostate grew large
Cock wouldn't discharge
Certainly no cause for hurrah!
He went to a doctor named Mike
Who said "You may be far down the pike
We'll give you a ream
To bring back your stream.
That will certainly open the dike."
The reaming was done with dispatch
Now no other his performance can match
His erections are bigger
He fucks with great vigor
He's now the best catch in the batch.
Experimentally-minded Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
Her ass on the outskirts of Dallas!!!
A young homo, Willoughby Groom,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
About who had the right,
To do what, and with what, to whom!!!
Why Monica, love your blue dress!
I understand why the stain causes stress.
You need to be neat
when chowing Bill's meat,
For Ken Starr will subpoena the mess.
The poet comments, "And the beat goes on with Bill and Monica."
Toast Point is skilled on horn,
And Wumpus is partial to porn.
Who is the Grand Poobah
Who gives good tuba
With a dick like a cob of corn?
Um, OK...
QED writes 03/23/99
Tom E. Quation, physicist true
Liked to derive when he would screw.
Each night as he came,
He was heard to exclaim
"My God! What a glorious proof!"
Bill's mood now is not very sunny
Says he, "I don't consider it funny!
So let's hear no more of this
I gave at the orifice
But Monica's collecting the money! "
The poet comments, "And the bitch hasn't given me dime one for legal expenses!"
There once was a man named Paul
Tnd although he wasn't so tall
His dick was quite large
As big as a barge
Sometimes when he walked he would fall!
Young Monica, tempting and plump
Wanted Billy to pat her fat rump.
She pulled off her thong
And fondled his dong.
Poor Hillary! Bitch Goddess chump!
The poet comments, "Hope you're not tired of Monicagate. The possibilities are
endless!"
It now seems that Old Mao Zedong,
Like girls, especially the young.
When his overaged penis
Would not work on some Venus,
He'd make do with his pepper-stained tongue!
Gophergun shares a classic bit o' doggerel 03/22/99
Oh the cabin boy
The cabin boy
That dirty little nipper
He lined his ass
With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper!
A metallic young man from Madras
Had balls which were made out of brass.
When he clanged them together,
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass!!!
An agile young lad from Kildare,
Was 'aving his bird,on the stair.
When the bannister broke,
He quickened his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air!!!
There is a White House on the hill,
Inside residing the fool named Bill
Who thinks with his pants,
Overlooking the chance
That he could get caught, and probably will.
The poet comments, "Type-o Queen Rage..."
Bambi writes 03/21/99
There was a professor named Straw
Who gave all his exams in the raw.
Already neurotic
He waxed psychotic
When students graded "F" what they saw!
The poet comments, "How can I submit a 3 verse limerick ?"
Submit each verse as a separate entry and mark in the comments, "1 of 3", "2 of 3", etc.
Pepperfitz shares a classic 03/20/99
Twas habits [unclean and unsavory!]
Drove the Bishop of Ely to knavery.
With demoniacal howls,
He buggered small owls.
Which he kept in an underground aviary!!!
The poet comments, "Clean, or naughty, I feel limericks are about the finest form of
humor."
As do we!
A coming attraction
A billboard addiction
Had what every woman wanted
A spirit undaunted
And a body beyond description.
The poet comments, "aspiration of all women"
Eva Amata writes 03/19/99
An amorous poet called Joe
Went down on a woman called Bo.
She arrived fifteen times
While he murmured soft rhymes
Then she left: Easy come, easy go!
Nope, I'll stick with my own.
(One of us must set the tone)
My own pleases me:
You try yours, do make free,
And show it to me when it's grown!
The poet comments, " Someone had to do it, so why not me?"
ZoSoL writes 03/18/99
There once was a President Bill
From an intern, he got a big thrill.
She chowed on his bone,
But he wasn't alone:
For she'd done half of Capitol Hill!
There was a young man named Hank
Who had an elongated crank.
He went out to sea,
Whipped it out for a pee,
Tipped over his boat, and he sank.
The plumber next door is named Jack.
When bent over, he shows hairy crack.
He did a few tricks,
And my toilet was fixed.
I just hope that he never comes back!
Mikey writes 03/17/99
Woke up last night, went to pee
I missed and peed all over me
So now I'm all wet
You know it ain't sweat
And I smell like the dog's favorite tree!
The poet comments, "time to wash the sheets"
Anonymous writes 03/16/99
There once was a girl named Betty
Who wanted to play with my Freddie
So we hopped into bed
I gave her some head
But she ended up with Eddie!
ZoSoL writes 03/16/99
I could use a cigar from Havana,
Or a big, yellow ripe banana
If I don't find a pole
To fill up this hole
I might even consider a man-a!
The poet comments, "Heh."
So he wasn't as hard as steel,
But still managed to make me squeal
When, as quick as a fox,
He enveloped my box
With a tongue like an epileptic eel!
The poet comments, ":P"
The forefathers of this great nation
Must turn in their graves in frustration
When the evening news
Is the President's spooge
And details of his oral fixation!
The poet comments, "Weak, huh? Well, I had to get on the Lewinsky
train at least once. Everyone else has."
They say things are bigger in Texas
So the thought of a penis perplexes.
For you girls out of state
It's never too late
To move where the world's greatest sex is.
The poet comments, "Yee haw!"
Kathy K.&La'ri H. writes 03/15/99
Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"
For he couldn't quite fit it inside her
But try as he might
It was just too damn tight
But he was determined to ride her!
The poet comments, "ain't it cool?"
Blank writes 03/15/99
There once was a queer named Stan
Who was caught with his dick in hand
He missed not a beat
Pounding his meat
And said "Come on boys, join my gay band".
The poet comments, "I'm not gay... not that there is anything wrong with
it."
We thank you for your lack of condemnation.
I.C.U writes 03/12/99
I watched you undress today
And I knew for a fact I'm not gay
But I said 'what the hell'
And if you don't tell
I promise to do what you say!!
The poet comments, "Don't laugh I'm serious."
I try to show you I love you every night.
But you always turn it into a fist fight.
Why do you make me hit and shove.
I guess you like tough love.
You disgust me ......get out of my sight!
The poet comments, "Why do you make me hurt you skank?"
I love how she looked at me - panic!
In my red suit I looked very Satanic.
But hey, Say la Vie
It's just you and me
But I thought it was very romantic!
The poet comments, " Prom."
Maritza writes some poetical thing 03/12/99
Zip! Shh! Don't say a word
If you do you may get hurt
I'll never get caught can't you see?
Who would ever suspect of me
A crime so little, a crime so great
A crime of love or great distaste
I the commander-in-chief, the president, see,
So I can do whatever I please
So what if you tell or try to blackmail
Who could accuse me, with what pray tell?
I'll just say you lied, Ms. Lewinsky
But please oh please don't tell Hillary!!!
The poet comments, "This was going to be put in my school's anthology, but because
of its content was rejected."
Anonymous writes 03/11/99
A curious mammal's the beaver
An adept and sneaky deceiver
It often complains
Of aches and migraines
But other times burns with a fever!
The poet comments, "1st try. Hope ya like it."
Red Cervicalli writes 03/10/99
Lucinda was certainly hairy
Her bush was so thick it was scary
For a man to attack her
He'd need a weed wacker
So it's unlikely she'll lose her cherry!
Croft writes 03/10/99
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Wishing to be sexually elated
He said 'Humans have all the luck'
'Cos they get to fuck'
'We don't even get masturbated'.
cheda writes
03/09/99
A Chinatown hooker named Hong
Likes the dicks of her tricks to be long
If you think these occasions
Are all with Caucasians
Then you haven't met Wally Wong!
The Bard of the North, Robert Service,
Was humping a lady named Jervis
She murmured, "Oh, Bob,
"You do SUCH a nice job,
"But those snow-shoes you wear make me nervous!"
Cheda shares a classic
03/09/99
Prince Albert and Queen You-Know-Who
Were doing what married folk do
Said the Queen, her heart drumming,
"We're coming! We're coming!"
"How splendid," cried Albert, "Us, too!"
The poet comments, "I have a couple of BEGINNINGS to limericks I've never been
able to
satisfactorily complete. What should I do with 'em?"
Oo! Send 'em to Toast Point and I'll post them as first lines!
Mr Fisher confessed to his priest :
"I'm afraid that I've been an old beast .
My kink is to peep
Shearers fornicate sheep -
But discretion I practice at least ! "
The poet comments, "Hmmm....Is this one gold star worthy ? A shearer is the guy
that cuts the wool
off the sheep - is that what you guys call them ? ( I'll slowly educate you
Yankees in Aussie slang ). Tim Fisher is our deputy Prime Minister , a sheep farmer
and by the looks of it a deviant ."
Croft writes 03/09/99
A curiouth mammal'th the beaver
Tho unhygienic I had to leave her
'Coth when I gave it a kith
It tasted of pith
Tho I chopped off my tongue with a cleaver!
'Tis said Peacock is a lover indeed ;
Cunnilingus being his specialty .
Ladies say in hushed tones ,
He once sucked out some bones -
The first oral histerectomy!
The poet comments, "Andrew Peacock is the Australian cultural attache to
Washington . If you want
to see more dirty ditties down-under style visit us at
www.internecine.com.au."
There was a girl from Tallahassee
She had a large and impressive chassis
When she walked down the road
With her quite ample load
She kept all of the "ass men" enraptured!
The poet comments, "Do you like it? Huh? huh? do ya? do ya?"
Well, except for the last line's lack-of-rhyme...
My friend studies jeanology,
A kind of reversed phrenology;
He studies the bumps
Of blue-denimed rumps--
Or maybe that's asstrology.
Hey, Connie. Where've you been?
Mikey writes 03/05/99
Once a young lady from France
Performed a peculiar dance
She twirled all around
Her panties fell down
And gave all the boys a quick glance!
The poet comments, "you had to be there"
Rosemary writes 03/03/99
I once knew a man with a boner
Who wanted to be a sperm donor.
He rubbed his young pup
Til it sprayed in the cup
So violently that it flowed over!
Our robotic vice president Gore
Always sticks out his hand to get more
In foreign donations
While Ole Bill has gyrations
With Monica down on the floor!
A shapely young lady named Glennis
Developed a passion for tennis.
For the serves she did dance,
And showed off her pants,
Attracting a knickers-starved menace!
The poet comments, "Comment on ladies' tennis outfits."
Rhubarb shares classics from Pentatette and elsewhere
from Vassar Smith
A boy who loved chocolate cake,
One day made an awful mistake.
He devoured three packs
Of the stuff called Ex-Lax...
Now he's thin as the shaft of a rake!
from Loren C. Fitzhugh
'Twas the ride of their lives I must say,
So he asked, "Could we marry today?"
She said, "Sure, grab your shoes,
Your socks, and that booze.
We just might not come back this way."
from Thomas M. Patton
An impotent composer named Rohr
Couldn't satisfy girls any more.
He really belongs
Writing Broadway songs,
As it's the only way he can score.
from Loren C. Fitzhugh
The contentious Geologist, Schmaltz,
Knew his igneous rocks and basalts.
He then took a degree
In Seismology,
Succeeding in spite of his faults.
from Tom Patton
He proposed to a gal named Lilly.
She is a most beautiful filly.
Not only that,
Her stomach is flat,
While the rest of her body is hilly.
from Joshua M. Levine P9710
Consider the beetles of dung
Whose praises need to be sung.
This industrious species
Buries animal feces,
Which all other beasts have flung.
from Chris Bolivar
There once was a man name of Faber;
His wife had ten kids through much labor.
He said, "They're all mine!"
She said, "No, just nine,
The youngest one came from our neighbor."
from Al Willis
When she walks on the beach, my girl Tess,
Her rear shows a lovely excess.
Her cute bathing suit
Sends men in pursuit.
It's true that she has a largesse.
from Mr Malo
It's absolutely uncanny,
From teens right up to my granny,
When a female walks by,
My magnificent eye
Immediately zooms to her fanny.
from B. Tepper
A nice college boy from Bolivia
Joined a new game of off-color trivia.
But he couldn't compete
With the vulgar elite;
He was woefully weak in lascivia.
from VOL 7
The lady wore under her dress,
A tupperware bra on her chest.
It didn't fit great
Or lift and separate,
But it kept what she had, nice and fresh.
from Mike Dale
Anita, the film star attests,
That she easily passed her screen tests,
With a will to succeed,
Great talent indeed,
And a pair of quite beautiful breasts.
from Joyce Johnson
The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe,
Whacked all of her kids black and blue.
If only she had
Seen a birth control ad,
Then she would have known what to do.
from Mr Malo
Michael Jackson is the strangest sort;
Has a pet chimpanzee just for sport.
They aren't much for titties,
But then neither are kiddies,
And they can't haul your ass into court.
from Daniel Ford
VITRIOLIC came from glassidity,
And caustic effects of acidity.
Today there's so much
Angry speech and such,
We think that one is just gassidity.
from Paul Chernoff
A rabbi, a priest, and a nun
Decided to have some good fun.
But they're all so religious
And highly litigious --
That I fear that my story is done.
from Mr Malo
Two things about wearing a kilt:
It's definitely handily built
For fucking a lass,
But a breeze up the ass
Makes a hardon rapidly wilt.
from vol 6
A mistress who lives near the Tweed
Has developed a singular creed;
She will not coo and bill,
Or provide a cheap thrill,
Till convinced there's a genuine need.
from VOL 10
There once was a man from Van Isle,
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I get workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile."
from John Miller
On the couch, right away, Santa spied
A voluptuous girl, legs spread wide.
"Won't you stay", purred this beauty,
He said, "Hell with my duty!
I can't fit back up if I tried!"
from VOL 1
A Cajun gourmet named LaSalle
Is the chef at that place on Canal.
He puts lots of spice
On your red beans and rice,
And makes lightning shoot out of your bowel!
from Scott Hendricks
A randy marsupial, Reeves,
Spent some time with some whores 'twixt their knees.
When they ask him for money,
He'd say, "Listen, Honey,
A koala eats bushes and leaves."
from Mr Malo
The limerick, a bastard art,
And though it may come from the heart,
Is thought of as cheesy,
Sometimes even sleazy;
A kind of poetic fart.
from VOL 7
I have written some limericks quite fateful,
Malicious and vicious and hateful;
But I've torn up the jokes
That would sicken most folks,
And humanity ought to be grateful.
from Mr Malo
Texas is known for the steer,
For oil and Lone Star Beer,
For horses and cattle,
And the Alamo battle
That was won by that Mexican queer.
from Kaylin Brandon
Mama told me one long-ago night,
(And I'm sure that Mama must have been right)
She said girls and boys
Shouldn't play with their toys.
It will make them go blind, how's your sight?
from Robyn
It most necessarily follows,
Her moist curves and all her hollows,
Though exceedingly fine,
At best make her a nine;
A ten is a nine who swallows.
from Scott Hendricks
A nice twisted wench from Capreeze,
Orgasmed each time she would sneeze.
To the druggest she went,
And laid down her last cent;
"A barrel of snuff, if you please."
from Vol 10
Lorena reacted quite bitterly
When John failed to service her clitorally.
Though he got a reprieve,
When his tool was retrieved,
When John jerks off now, it is literally.
from Mr Malo
Nothing personal in the slightest,
But Quayle's brains are the lightest.
But you can't make fun of
The fact that he's one of
The GOP's best and the brightest!
from John Miller
The best saleswhiz in history, it's plain,
Was one Mary: with lots to explain.
Got the whole world believing
Her way of conceiving
Was "immaculate," free from all stain.
from Daniel Ford
Saint Peter was tired at the gate,
And sought his hunger to sate.
So he asked Jesus,
With many pleases,
To stand in while he got a plate.
Then there came a hobbling old man,
With his cane and white hair and deep tan.
Jesus thought that he knew
This grey old man who
Had a spine all curved like a fan.
Jesus asked, "Wouldst carpenter be?"
"Yes, but am I acquainted with thee?"
Then Jesus asked more
Of the man with four score,
"Have a son who left you in the lee?"
The Old One replied, "Yes, I did so."
"Had he holes in his hands, do you know?"
"Yes, indeed, rather!"
Then Jesus cried "Father!"
Mused the grey beard, "Pinocchio??"
from VOL 7
"Can't you fools see where this is all leading,
This nightmare of selective breeding?"
he spat on the ground
And then turned around,
And continued on with his weeding.
from Ron Ellin
If all the gnus in the London Zoo
Disappeared forever,
You'd have to say
That's the end of the gnus,
And now it's time for the weather.
from Kevin's Limerick Page
There was a young lady named Dinah,
Who had the world's largest vagina.
She filled it with rocks
To keep out the cocks;
In the end, she married a miner.
from Mr Malo
I once knew a man with a horse,
Which he fucked as a matter of course.
Though it wasn't real pretty
And smelled a bit shitty,
He'd had pussy that smelled a lot worse.
from VOL 7
The night was almost gone;
I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face;
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.
from Frank Spectra
Forty's a wonderful age.
You'll offer advice like a sage.
But if you should doubt
Old libido's clout,
A Ferrari in RED is the rage.
from Ron Rubin
Italians love Paganini,
Puccini and Signor Rossini;
But lately I've found
They're more thrilled by the sound
Of an expertly tuned Lamborghini.
from John Miller
A blacksnake crept up drunk Jake's thigh,
Who exclaimed, when it popped out his fly,
"Big and black, that ah knowed,
But my! Yo' has growed.
And whe'fo yo' beady blue eye?
from Lloyd Rawley
A sex-crazed safari guide, Brian,
Thought a lioness might be worth tryin'.
To his joy, she was game,
And remarkably tame.
But that couldn't be said for the lion.
from VOL 3
There once was a lady named Thalia;
Who with men, was an absolute failure.
But what she could do
With a male kangaroo,
Astounded the men of Australia.
from Bill
Michael Jackson, his skin is so fairish,
And his behavior outrageously garish.
I've heard it's been said,
"One more young boy in bed,
And the church will give him his own parish."
from Frank Fazed
The reason, all can understand,
Why Jim's punch on Joe's jaw did land.
"I saw your name, Joe,
Written in the snow;
The writing was in my wife's hand!"
from James Murray
Cold drafts can make Scots get sick,
When kilts and not pants they do pick.
Surely you blunder
By asking what's under,
And learning it's your wife's lipstick.
from Karen
Find someone else? Why you creep!
After me dressing up as Bo Peep!!!
How was I to know
Your passion won't grow
Unless I dressed up as a sheep!
from Paul M. Hoffman
Marie, on the brink of disaster,
Went off to speak with her pastor;
She feared what he'd think
Of her troubles with drink,
But lucky for her, he was plastered.
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