The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from September, 1998
Few and Far Between
Observer writes 09/30/98
A large crab did decide to embark
On a stroll, on the beach, in the dark.
It crawled over the feet
Of young lovers in heat,
And inspired frantic screams of "HELP!! SHARK!!"
The pawn's move is subtle and dang-
-erous. One square or two it can range.
It takes on the slant.
Move backwards it can't
And en passant is even more strange.
Mathematics: of sciences, queen
Electronics: technology's dean ...
Yet each bows in great awe
When it meets Murphy's Law —
Still the ruler of earthly routine!
Beelzebub writes 09/29/98
When an angel is only thirteen
One must not be excessively mean;
But I have to confess
That with Z or with S
It's the zorriest zpeller I've zeen!
The poet comments, "Time for the Sage to buy a bigger dictionary."
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 09/28/98
What a pity, a shame, and disgrace!
A beelzebub's put in its place,
By a child of thirteen,
Oh, how neat, oh how keen,
The devil has egg on its face!
The poet comments, "The origin of deviled eggs, perhaps?"
Said the Hare to the Tortoise, "Dear chap,
I can catch you with ease, so I'll nap" ...
Round a bend, Tortoise crept
While the Hare overslept —
And then lost, 'cos he can't read a map!
The poet comments, "What Aesop didn't know about fables could fill a
whole Web site"
Now the Iliad's over and done
And the battle of Trojans is won ...
No fear Homer would nod —
'Cos the Mark of a god
Was on Homer McGwire's last home run!
The poet comments, "(just a little bit of a rewrite ...)"
A curious mammal's the beaver:
Its scent gland's a perfume retriever
Its teeth gnaw down trees
With such consummate ease
And its tail is a dam-building lever!
The poet comments, "The pronunciation of the final word reveals on which side of the pond
this mammal was lodged until
relatively recently ... the side with more rodent ode on't"
Teen Angel writes 09/26/98
I'm guilty of youth, I confess.
Motives of devils? I can just guess.
"It's" only thirteen,
But "it's" never seen
ApologiZe spelled with an "s"!
The poet comments, "Maybe a star for a "gotcha"?"
Gotcha for both the poet and this editor...
Beelzebub writes 09/26/98
A charming and sensitive spider
Had long grieved that Love was denied her.
There came a young male,
Who was sweet, but small-scale -
So she ate him, and that satisfied her.
In the governor's towering house
There lived a mischievous mouse
He played in the kitchen
He ate just a smidgen
And he loved to frighten old Kraus!
There was once a man so tall
That all he could do was fall
He cursed his ill luck
But for half of a buck
You could get him to scrunch up real small!
Jehovah writes 09/25/98
I trust you will not come unglued
As you slaughter your child for my food;
I'm the Lord God, you see,
So your murders for me
Are with transcendent virtue imbued.
The poet comments, "Outraged bigots (doubtless including the forger of 9/23/98)
are referred to the Judges, chapter eleven,
of which this is the moral."
Toast Point shakes his head in wonder as the forces of light and darkness continue their
constant battle in this forum.
The case of the injured Black Russian
Involved a quite minor concussion.
While turning the page,
He fell off of the stage.
The drum that he played was percussion.
The poet comments, "Happy Birthday 9/25 to the Sage. Oh, to be so young."
The Sage thanks Al and goes off for a celebratory White Russian.
Andy Onymous writes 09/24/98
If Shakespeare were writing today
He would surely get carried away
With writing nude scenes
For buff kings and queens
Since more than the plot shows today!
An anonymous poet online
Was a couple, not out to malign
But who since College Trig
Hadn't rhymed with a sig
'Cos they cringed to hear "sign" or "cosign"!
Beelzebub writes 09/23/98
I admit I'm the lowest of scum.
It's the bowels of hell that I'm from.
I detest life,
My kids and my wife,
I'm convinced that this world is a slum.
Farewell to the colorful Florence
Whose speed was unleashed in such torrents
Whom the gods love, die young
Now their ranks she's among
With Di, and Arabia's Lawrence.
The poet comments, "Average age reached was 40, which I now consider incredibly young,
though I didn't always ..."
Jimmy Stewart: A great actory guy
Mr Smith's the role critics rate high
But I liked him the most
Playing Harvey's good host —
An eccentric ... but then, so am I!
Steve Fossett's balloon locomotion
Had circling the world for a notion ...
He ballooned night and day
For two thirds of the way —
But then fell with a splash in the ocean!
The poet comments, "Happened a while back, but I'm still catching up on old news ..."
The Vertech Inc. contest's so huffy
Thinks 9-9-6-6-9's too puffy
8-8-5-5-8 beat
And nought else may compete:
Just "real limericks" — oh, how stuffy!
Beelzebub writes 09/21/98
Teen Angel - such wit, so sincere!
And so quick, I came over all queer -
For my rhyme made it sad,
Then - with help from its Dad -
The riposte took a mere half a year!
The poet comments, "Delays in My own correspondence, for which I do not apologise,
are of course due to our extensive
preparations for the Apocalypse."
Toast Point still hasn't decided what to wear to the Apocalypse.
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Leapt into a square tank, elated ...
His joy was soon dashed:
At corners he crashed —
Glass ahead wasn't anticipated!
The poet comments,
"Though my earlier entry's absurd
'Cos I've learnt pate the verb's not a word
The idea seems fine
So I've changed the last line
And the fourth line and also the third."
Toast Point thought that the use of "pate" as a verb made perfect sense.
Do not worry and please do not fret,
When you read in this month's Pentatette
That Deex did inhale,
As he opened the mail.
(He was seen with a roach cigarette.)
The poet comments, "A fresh scandal."
Beelzebub writes 09/20/98
Things come to an odd sort of pass
When a fiend has his head up his ass;
For when I'm inspectin'
Inside my intestine
I find Christians up there, en masse.
The poet comments, "As some may have gathered, I eat 'em for breakfast."
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Leapt into a square tank, elated ...
But he swam round too fast
So his joy didn't last —
Each corner, by glass he got pated!
The poet comments, "To pate, meaning to clobber on the head, could not be found in
the dictionary. What an oversight!"
Beelzebub writes 09/19/98
There was a young lady named Maggie
Whose eyes were atrociously baggy.
Beneath them the skin
Dangled down to her chin,
For her orbits were woefully saggy.
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 09/18/98
A slick politician named Clinton,
Said, "Of all my sins, I'm repentin',
Don't intend to resign,
But decision's not mine,
We don't own the house, we're just rentin'."
Observer writes 09/17/98
A procrastinator named Kate,
Said, "I am resigned to my fate.
Though I don't eat much
Of twinkies and such,
I have a big problem with 'wait'"!
Beelzebub writes 09/17/98
It appears that I badly affect
Certain dupes of the Nazarene sect.
Deary me, what a shame!
But I don't mind the blame -
I am EVIL - what do you expect?
Georgia Peach writes 09/16/98
If you're on the show, "Jerry Springer",
You might be a cheater or swinger,
Some guests might be yucky,
And you would be lucky,
If the worst that you got was the finger!
Were a brain salesman's prices confused? ...
"Einstein's: 25 cents," he enthused
"For this pol's: twenty grand" ...
No, those prices were planned —
The politico's hadn't been used!
Though he thought he was in it for fun,
Soon the scandal he couldn't outrun.
There is wide-spread belief
Our commander-in-chief
Got "debriefed," now the secret's undone!
Disappointed Naive Attaché's
Deposition: Negation Astray ...
Didn't Neck Anywhere? —
Dress Narrating Affair! ...
Four new ways to decode DNA
The poet comments, "From the beginning of August, so arguably a little dated?"
Not at all!
If an agent wants to make a new star
He has to consider PR.
He must say she is agin',
And her background is Cajun.
And to that I say HARDY-HAR-HAR!
Raceway writes 09/13/98
His Critique of Pure Reason was good,
If not all that well understood...
Said Shiller to Hegel,
While sharing a bagel,
"If Immanuel Kant, who then could?"
A primitive humanoid, Ath,
Was the very first osteopath,
But he never got paid,
The bills never made,
'Cause they hadn't invented the math.
My dad in the War flew Spitfires
And fought with the Bosch o'er the Shires...
Confirmed kills of seven,
With one over Devon,
Of flyers, an Ace!...And of sires!!
The poet comments, "Dedicated to WRK"
Raceway writes 09/12/98
Bony said, "Merde! Waterloo!
What in the hell could I do?
With Ney that bean sprout
Against the fat Kraut...
That Blucher, he really came through!"
My aunt's poor old heart ceased to function
"Father Heep...." was her final injunction...
I said to that priest,
A cold, smarmy beast,
"Bit extreme, is it not, all this unction?"
The poet comments, "Managed to pack Dickens and the Seventh Sacrament into one lim!"
A stud who was totally buff
Thought he would strut his tough stuff...
He leered at the girl,
Who thought him a churl,
And asked if she's gettin' enough....
She looked him straight in the eye,
This creep who belonged in a sty,
And said, "An I.Q.
Of at least one or two
Is needed, so please don't apply."
Miss Muffet and Sadaam one day
Compared notes and this they did say:
"I know what you mean...
It's just too obscene
To have all those Kurds in the way!"
That smarty-pants Monsieur Pascal
Blew the Jesuit's whole rationale
By quoting their bits
He showed them nit-wits
Thus giving them fits of grand mal.
The poet comments, "(Sorry bout that...Got Blaise and Friedrich tangled up in the same lim....)"
"I doubt, and therefore I might be"
Is more modern, you have to agree...
In an age existenial
Misgiving's essential,
But bewilders us both, you and me.
The poet comments, "Can anyone translate the first line, recasting "Cogito, ergo sum?"
I think the French is "Je doute, donc je pourrais etre" (?)"
An alluring but cranky au pair
Was arrested for lethal child care
The kid was a pain
So she opened his vein,
But she swears that he tripped on a stair.
A misfortunate miser called Benny
Of fluids could never take any
For his urin'ry tract
An op'ning it lacked
And ne'er could he e'er spend a penny!
Three Chinese, Fu, Bu and Chu
Had names that just wouldn't do...
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck
And Fu just returned to Kiangsu.
The poet comments, "Lim mine, joke not."
Redneck writes 09/10/98
Beelzebub's neck's in a noose!
May be thinkng of calling a truce!
If flames make him bitter,
He might consider,
Changing his name to Bubba or Bruce!
Observer writes 09/10/98
I knew an old black gent named Mose,
Who said, "Hair ain't lost when it goes.
It can cause strife,
Falling early in life,
But it's later reborn in the nose."
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 09/09/98
A beelzebub has no defense,
He's lacking in plain common sense!
Doesn't he know
"You reap what you sow?"
Methinks he's a little too dense!
Pookie writes 09/09/98
I once had a pig that could fly,
Slick Willie ne'er once told a lie,
Saddam's not insane,
Roseanne's not a pain,
Beelzebub's a really nice guy!
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 09/09/98
You're testing beelzebub's humor?
At least, that's the internet rumor!
It seems that instead,
It's beelzebub's head,
That everyone thought was a tumor!
The poet comments, "Submitted again. Was I censored?"
Nope, just didn't show up before. ???
The troops thought that he was insane,
When Geronimo jumped from the plane.
But they knew that he had
Begun a new fad,
When he fell while screaming his name!
Observer writes 09/09/98
America salutes Mark McGwire!
A man for sports fans to admire!
Home-run sixty two,
And he's not even through,
The game of baseball is on fire!
First I got garden pond fever.
Now my poor wife's a believer.
She's out in the pond
just trimming a frond.
Think I'll go try to retrieve her.
She said, "No, the water's too warm.
I must keep my fishies from harm."
So in goes the ice.
(A pick-up full... twice!)
Ya think I have cause for alarm?
Just want her to come back to bed.
She's cleaning the filter instead.
I swear that she drools
when thinking of schools
of fish spawning out by the shed.
Soon with this pond stuff she'll smother
Her husband, two daughters, her mother.
She drives us crazy
With, "Pond is too hazy."
(I think I'll go dig us another.)
and...
Two brothers bought some new digs,
Started raising cattle and pigs.
Their dad said, "For fame
You need a good name."
So they checked out some good usenet sigs.
The internet search brought defeat,
So their father the boys did entreat
He said,"Boys, dont blanch,
Call the place 'Focus Ranch,
'Cause that's where the sun's rays meet."
A biologist of world renown
Says a chromosome's gender is found
By being so bold
As to take a good hold
Of its genes, and then pull them down.
Old Mark McGwire is quite the guy.
While others less wealthy go buy
Fine gifts for their father,
Old Mac doesn't bother.
He just gave his dad a new tie!
My teachers, through life, always taught
That logic should always be sought.
But I read the tax law
With its blah, blah, blah, blah.
I think I shall soon be distraught!
Marty & Croc & Mom writes 09/06/98
Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"
I believe you have swallowed a spider,
A dog and a cat.
How did you do that?
My remedy's one quart of hard cider.
Marty & Croc writes 09/06/98
A privileged client's attorney
Decided to take a long journey
He billed the mobster
For all his lobster
They carried him home on a gurney.
An anonymous poet online
Thought writing dirty lim'ricks was fine.
Some were offended,
Fifth never ended.
Said, "Don't read 'em if you're gonna whine!"
If Shakespeare were writing today
An actor would have more to say.
DiCaprio'd be broke.
His acting's a joke.
He can't compare to Olivier.
Mathematics: of sciences, queen
Has more rules than I've ever seen.
There are no exceptions,
Just number deceptions.
On calculators, I am quite keen.
The whole trouble with airlines is planes
Made with gum, spit, string, tape and no brains!
If the pilot should cough,
The engine will fall off.
But, you're no safer taking the trains.
A curious mammal's the beaver
He builds his large dam in a fever.
He creates a pond,
Of which he's quite fond.
He's really an over-achiever.
The poet comments, "Fooled you, this one's clean."
Observer writes 09/05/98
Weeds have grown back since I hoed 'em,
Lawns have grown tall since I sowed 'em,
Wife's gettin' scrappy,
To keep her happy,
Turned off my computer and modem!
Teen Angel writes 09/05/98
There are folks who wish to debunk
A troubled Beelzebub punk.
I have to agree
With comments I see,
His attitude smells like a skunk!
The poet comments, "My Dad helped me on this one. I was sad about the limerick calling Jesus a "fool" (4-2-98)"
Croc writes 09/05/98
Eric and I live in Cheyenne.
He cooks everything with cayenne.
When put on the spot,
Says, "Some like it hot --
You married a red-headed man!"
The poet comments, "Marty gave me some experienced advice and assistance."
Marty writes 09/04/98
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Became really rather elated
When flushed down the john.
But, swimming straight on
Had certainly been over-rated.
Observer writes 09/03/98
The lord of the flies got a swat!
He's a devil! A god he is not!
No way a hero?
An absolute zero?
He surely deserves what he got!
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 09/03/98
When she came home reeking of gin,
He queried her where she had been.
He posed, "I suppose
You were out washing clothes
And hanging three sheets in the wind?"
Mr. and Mrs. Megarry
Had a cute dog that was hairy
He got rid of his fleas
Just by eating some cheese
Making his breath smell quite scary!
The poet comments, "Written by a middle school blind class as a combined effort
while studying poetry. Mrs. Megarry is
their teacher. Mr. Megarry is also a teacher, blind, and uses a guide dog.
The dog has questionable breath..."
It happened to a patient, post-bellum.
Doc severed the man's cerebellum.
"But when he awakes
With awesome headaches,
Do you think anyone ought to tell 'im?"
Observer writes 09/02/98
There was a young hoodlum named Troy.
With graffiti, he chose to destroy.
Sentenced to jail,
The judge said,"No bail,"
Gave old cons a new toy to enjoy!
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 09/02/98
Beelzebub's head is quite swollen,
The name of a devil he's stolen,
An obstinant mule,
And arrogant fool,
His head must be stuck in his colon!
Jeez, and Beelz hasn't even posted anything yet this month...
Teen Angel writes 09/01/98
An obnoxious five-year old brat,
Was pulling the tail of the cat,
Mom said, "Quit and sit,"
He threw a fit,
She paddled him right where he sat!
There was a young dog with a pup,
Who ate his food from a cup.
He ate a rat
And then a cat
And then went outside to throw up.
Where, oh where, did those publishers flee,
Where, oh where, can they be?
I'm in a bind.
I just cannot find
Those publishers who are hiding from me.
Fred's heart attack, while on the links,
Was tragic and fatal, methinks.
It was on hole thirteen,
At the edge of the green;
So we shlepped him five holes and had drinks.
The poet comments, "Bluebird did some fine tuning on this one. Welcome, Sage."
Mr. Work writes 09/01/98
Enough of that Ken Starr Buttinski
And his grilling of poor Miss Lewinsky
Just give Ted a pardon
A bomb and a carton
And call it even with Kaczynski.
Observer writes 08/31/98
A famous shoe salesman, Al Bundy,
Sold shoes every day, except Sunday.
He said, "Life's a bore,
Working in a shoe store,
I'd rather be Crocodile Dundee!"
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