The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from July, 1998
Few and Far Between
Costume Party
The Ku Klux Klan is the pits;
A mob of low-class half-wits.
They hide behind sheets
Drinking beer, eating beets;
I hope they get terminal zits.
The phrase "name will be mud" was no dud
Until history buffs chewed the cud
And "name's Mudd" came in vogue ...
But if Mudd was no rogue
Then Mudd's name, although Mudd, wasn't mud!
The poet comments, "Read all about the Mudd controversy at http://civilwarreader.com/thomas/mudd.htm"
Raceway writes 07/30/98
Tom Brokaw and Jennings and Rather
'Board ship were just fated to gather.
The played Anchors Away
When they fell in the bay,
Thank God we're all done with their blather.
Friar writes 07/30/98
In three years from today - I'll be thin!
(The last four years - quite fat I have b'n)
Cause I read: Every seven,
(Not ten or eleven)
I get a brand-spanking new skin!
The poet comments, "That will be my sixth new skin. Guess how young I am today.
"
In Cuba, their leader is nuts
Fidel, I would say, is a putz.
He could have played ball
As he had wherewithal,
But he never survived all the cuts.
Once a rooster, who's such a night owl
Was so tired of his job, he would scowl ...
Now he crows before bed
At a distant cliff head
And the echo at dawn wakes his fowl!
The poet comments, "(a few more suggestions for first lines:
A curious mammal's the beaver
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
A nubile young Finn who went skiing
A privileged client's attorney
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!"
Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wide
While swimming across the Zambezi)"
For a poet who posts exclusively in the Squeaky section, you came up with some good
naughty lines!
The Clintons both live with elation
While the public is kept under sedation,
By the media which tries
With its incessant lies
To keep them from incarceration.
Some friends had asked me to meet 'em
At our great local arboretum.
But on the date they appointed
They were sore disappointed,
Because I never got there to greet 'em.
If you don't steep your tea very long
Too much caffeine can do your heart wrong
But should tannin leach out
It will kill caffeine's clout ...
Moral: Like tea a lot? — drink it strong!
The poet comments, "(tried to send this a couple of weeks ago, but it never made it)"
Now the Friar, whose given us ten
Of the darnedest first lines has asked, "When
Now that your turn is due
Will we get some from you?" ...
You? Who? Me? You mean me? ... OK then...
The poet comments, "An anonymous poet online;
An eagle whose wings had been clipped;
A philosopher, finding a stone;
If Shakespeare were writing today;
Mathematics -- of sciences, queen;
Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr;
Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet;
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair;
The whole trouble with airlines is planes;
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea"
Toast Point becomes gleeful and promises to add the new 1st lines this weekend. Thank you, perfesser!
As the dog days of August approach
Summer heat can afflict man or roach ...
But one I saw today
Scavenged coolly away
In a sleek, air-conditioned roach coach!
Marty writes 07/26/98
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Tossed their "toy" right back to some teens.
It was a homemade
Pipe bomb or grenade.
It blew 'em all to smithereens!
"My Heart Will Go On" - Well, on what?
A tray when my chest is cross cut.
Docs may come and get
Every useful bit
There's an organ donor card in my wallet.
I always leave carrots 'til last
I'm a carrot enthusiast.
I wait to savor
Their piquant flavor
At the end of every repast.
The best part is right in the middle
Hold the cup there when you piddle.
Doc wants a sample.
Make sure it's ample
So he can solve your disease riddle.
She screamed as he opened the door
"If you dare invite just one more
Darn boss to dinner
We'll all be thinner
We can't feed 'em -- we are too poor!"
Raceway writes 07/26/98
A cannibal chef from Botswana
Said "Oh, it would be sheer Nirvana
If only I could,
In full babyhood,
Saute an hors d'oeuvre from Montana.
Friar writes 07/25/98
Beggars can always be choosers
Insomniacs - very good snoozers
The lamb wasn’t Mary’s
The Springboks are fairies
And the All Blacks are very good losers!
The poet comments, "Well done guys, sorry Kiwis. Maybe CNN will show some footage (for a change)"
There once was a writer named Squeaky
Who wrote with a pen that was leaky.
He wrote many a verse
But they kept getting worse,
And in the end he got very sneaky.
Bic Willis writes 07/22/98
If there's one thing that people dislike...
Never call them a fag or a dyke.
Plus, the "N" word's taboo,
And when you see a Jew,
For heaven's sake, never say "kike."
The poet comments, "Sage, welcome back. Our poems are bulging."
My cat likes to stand in the doorway
She must have it "mine" and not "your" way
Once let in she'll complain
That she wants out again
I think I'll put her on a plane to Norway.
The poet comments, "Natasha says hello to Leopold...
click here to see the resemblance "
Friar writes 07/22/98
I decided to try and phone Marty
A nice message (I think a real smartie)
But I heard background noise
Was it rattles and toys?
Or were you just throwing a party?
The poet comments, "Our answering machine limerick follows.
I wrote it a few years back. My wife and I sing it as a duet. Pity I can't send the score.
Hope you enjoy."
We are probably out for a spin
Or a vodka or tonic & gin
If you would be so kind
Leave your details behind
And we’ll call you as soon as we’re in.
Mini hiatus then maxi
Of late inspiration’s been waxy
So please ‘fore you go
Leave us ten lines or so
And then you may both catch your taxi.
The poet comments, "I wouldn't mind submitting more opening lines,
but I challenge other readers to send some to TP (to get us through August).
Prof M-G, FCA, Al W?
Enjoy your Hiatus guys. Still the best page on the web!"
Thank you! Maybe I'll think up some new ones while in Houston this week (on business. Texas in July. Oh joy.)
Why's the star-spangled banner so beat?
The curators blame dust, light and heat ...
But I think the wool cloth
Hides a star-spangled moth
Eating all thousand twenty square feet!
The poet comments, "34 by 30, says our local newspaper"
The illustrious Lighthill, Sir Jim
Pioneered math for how creatures swim
Which he used to swim round
Sark — but, sadly, he drowned
From this circum-natational whim.
The poet comments, "Sir James Lighthill was applying his own theory to a swim around the
Channel Island of Sark last Friday when he didn't quite make it
(all in July 20 London Times obit)"
Lady North writes 07/18/98
I'm not superstitious, but then...
I walked under a ladder at ten
It felt oh so neat
So cool and so sweet
And Mum says I should do it again!
Marty writes 07/18/98
Won't buy anything, I'm too cheap.
Besides, I am prob'ly asleep
Name 'n' number you say
But don't take all day
Leave your message after the beep.
The poet comments, "I use this on my answering machine. My mom left me a rhyming message!"
I bought me a big SUV
In spite of Gore's poignant plea.
Al's found the solution
To global polution,
But it's only for him, not for me.
There was an old fellow named Bill
Who kept putting his hands in the till
He got pretty frisky
While pouring whisky
So now he owns his own still.
Bill wallowed in old Foggy Bottom
With a gal named Hillary Rodham.
But Ken the attorney,
Cut short their journey,
When he said, "By George, we got 'em."
Al Willis writes 7/16
An amateur writer, named Reese,
Composed an original piece.
"Hailstones from above
Reminded me of
When maggots are fried in hot grease."
Marty writes 07/16/98
"Tarzan spoke ape," said the elephant
"And I was way out of my element.
When Tarzan did summon
I would come runnin'
But I never knew what the fella meant."
The poet comments, "Salute - Edgar Rice Burroughs!"
Names were mud — as in dirt — never "Mudd"
Till some history buffs chewed the cud ...
But if judges decree
That Mudd's name be set free
Won't "name's Mudd" once again be a dud?
The poet comments, "In which case, the historically retarded will have the last laugh"
Frank writes 7/15
The unruly class all fell mute
While meeting the new substitute,
Except I was bold
When I stood and told
The class that I thought she was cute.
Quite quickly, my ear she had caught.
No matter how hard I had fought,
She pulled me from the room
(But all wasn't gloom)
'Twas sex education she taught.
There once was a fellow named Smitty
Who went to a Middle East city
He rode on a camel
A most lumpy mammal
Designed by a Congressional Committee.
There once was a British Au Pair
Who threw a young child down the stair.
When the case went to trial
She thouhgt it was vile
Or at least it was not very fair.
Marty writes 07/12/98
I personally think Jeremy Brett
The very best Sherlock Holmes yet.
I'm sad that he's gone
I wanted to prolong
Those offerings from the PBS set.
Popsicle shares a classic 07/12/98
There was a young hunter named Shephard
Who was eaten for lunch by a leopard.
Said the leopard,"Egad!
You'd be tastier, lad,
If you'd been salted and peppered."
H writes 07/12/98
If velcro were used for a zipper,
And Baptists believed in Yom Kippur,
And all of the time
We all spoke in rhyme,
The world would be way much more hipper.
The poet comments, "Singing everything would also work, BTW."
Marty shares a classic 07/09/98
I wish that my room had a floor
I don't care so much for a door
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
The poet comments, "This is an Ogden Nash classic. But, isn't everything he wrote classic -- and classy?"
Toast Point loves Ogden Nash.
Gearhart writes 07/09/98
There once was a philatelist whose
Collection at first grew and grew
He tried to sell them
That's when they told him
"They're not worth anything used!"
The poet comments, "A philatelist is a stamp collector."
He's one of the crazy dictators.
He's as smart as two witless dumb-waiters.
Saddam, the barn burner,
Is just a slow learner,
And now his land has some new craters.
The poet comments, "This dates from 1991."
There once was a team from Brazil
Who kicked at the ball with great skill.
They once met the Danes
Who'd oiled their vanes
And made the guys go through the mill.
The match had five goals in the score,
Though rooters were asking for more.
Brazil was to win
And save their dear skin
At least till the next match in store.
There once was a witch who would fly
On a broom through a starry sky
Then the broom handle broke
And her black cat awoke
Because there on the ground they did lie.
On Saturday night, up on Mars,
You can find a few very nice bars.
Though they have lots of beer,
They have no atmosphere,
And the life is found in mason jars.
Emma writes 07/03/98
There were two calamitous pickles
That laid in the sauerkraut crinkles.
Said one to the other:
What shall I do, mother?
Surely you, not the salt, give me wrinkles!
Here in Florida, forest fires thrive
There's no hope unless rains soon arrive
But there is a bright spot:
Seems the fires are too hot
For the billboards on I-95!
We at the Toast Point contest are thinking of you down in Florida. Hope it rains soon!
"I bought a new fan from Bob Gates.
He tells me that it ovulates."
Mrs. Malaprop froze.
And then, I suppose,
He'll tell me that it also lactates."
At lying Bill Clinton's quite deft
Of honor he's completely bereft
If he undergoes surgery
To exise his perjury
There just won't be anything left.
The enemy is (among) us- we've met.!
But God Bless the Internet !
Our cyber resource
Outruns Revere's horse
Paul didn't have our Email address!
The poet comments, "Happy Independence Day,you all!"
After losing to foe Argentina
English soccer fans flood the cantina
To regret martial lore ...
For who wins playing war
Has to lose in the sporting arena!
I remember back when I was single.
With all the girls then, I could mingle
Those days were sure fun
But, alas, they are done.
Now all that I get is a tingle.
The poet comments, "The "Seasoned Citizen's" lament."
A mechanic who mis-understood
Used his dipstick to prop up the hood
While he fixed an old wreck ...
Then he did an oil check ...
Now his head hurts far more than it should!
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