The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from June, 1998
Few and Far Between
There once was a General named George
Who wintered at old Valley Forge
His men had no heat
And so little to eat
That they damn near consumed poor old George.
She broke, it my lovely young dotta,
A statue in brown terra cotta.
Since you've fixed a few,
I'll pay for the glue.
But if you can't fix it, don't botta.
Computers in school are first rate.
There's agreement by every classmate.
One summed it up well
And wrote, "I excell;
Computurs, I thenk, is reel grate.
The poet comments, "I'm a volunteer tutor,when schools in."
Gaila Rae writes 06/28/98
There was a blonde boy child
Who was unmistakably wild.
When the boy grew up
He kept wine in his cup,
And kept all those near to him riled.
You are the one that I Love
So I gave you the Chocolates from Dove.
But when I asked you to share,
You said don't you dare,
And pushed me away with a shove.
You promised to love me forevermore,
Never to leave me and walk out the door.
Now I wish it hadn't been so,
Now I wish you would just go,
Because I can't sleep when you snore!
"Saw you players at Wimbledon court?" ...
No, though all is at love, and time's short! ...
"You mean, soon they will score?" ...
No, advantage downpour —
Rain, not love, conquers all in this sport!
"The best part is right in the middle,"
King Alfred said, dousing the griddle,
"Though the bottoms and tops
Of my cakes are burnt flops,
Between, you can eat ...... just a tiddle!"
There once was a bimbo named Ruth
Who guzzled a quart of vermouth.
And then, with a grin,
She gulped down some gin.
Her actions, I thought, were uncouth.
A dummy from old Arizona
In Congress, comitted a boner
He said that he'd read
That Bob Hope was dead
But it was just a lot of balogna.
How can brushers who floss such a lot,
Skipping sweets, still acquire dental rot? ...
Might they squeeze from the waist? ...
Read your tube of toothpaste:
"For the best results, squeeze from the bot!"
Johnny Carson's most famous late show
Has Ed Ames do a tomahawk throw
Though his scalping in fact
Leaves the top skin intact
When Ed aims, his foe's scalped down below!
The poet comments, "Apparently the 35th most memorable moment in TV history"
We remember sweet little Miss Muffet
Who was sitting there on her tuffet
She was once heard to say
As she ate curds and whey
"You can take all this garbage and stuff it."
It is almost the Fourth of July
Time for fireworks to color the sky? ...
"No," says Florida's gov,
"Celebrations I love —
But for fireworks our trees are too dry!
The poet comments, "Yesterday began a 60-day firework ban. We'll be watching yours on TV."
Ivanka Petrov writes 06/25/98
There once was a terrible freeze,
That killed all the leaves on the trees
And some exclaimed
That beauty was maimed
All because of a winter breeze.
My aunt fed me sassafras tea
And a saucer of fried bumble-bee,
And some nice dandelions,
And hair from bovines.
She said this would cure my TB.
The poet comments, "Maybe you know that Pentatette's theme is Folk Medicine for July."
Every cloud has a silvery streak:
When the mirror so plainly doth speak
That Snow White is most cute
Her survival is moot ...
But forget castle scrubbing technique!
Friar writes 06/22/98
I’ve a habit at which you may squawk
That I started when first I could talk
I eat peas mixed with honey
Which makes them taste funny
But at least they all stay on my fork!
Elisa shares a classic 06/22/98
There was a young girl from Madras
Who had a most beautiful ass
Not well-rounded and pink
Not at all what you think
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass!
The poet comments, "I guess this is clean enough for this list - dirt is in the mind of the beholder!"
Watching April in Paris on screen
Don't you wonder if Putnam's so green
'Cos the scarecrow he was
In the Wizard of Oz
Left some straw where just brains should have been?
The poet comments, "But then, how else could Ray Bolger get Doris Day?"
The AFI's list of film top 'uns
Has cop-outs alongside the cop-ins
What usurped Harvey's slot? ...
Or The Rainmaker's spot? ...
And most of all, where's Mary Poppins?
If Knott's Berry Farm merged with NOW,
It would have no effect on the Dow.
Their PR would suck;
It would not bring them luck.
The name of the new firm: Knott NOW.
FCA writes 06/20/98
I had breakfast of bagels and lox
With a dumb-blonde at a Deli called Blochs.
And I could not deduce
Why she stared at the juice
Til I saw 'concentrate' on her side of the box!
Though entering chrysalis fillers
Should not be pronounced caterpill´ars
And although butterflies´
Aren't what leave for the skies —
Correct sounds are sure limerick killers!
Wallis Simpson loved Ed Number Eight
Causing conflict of church versus state
Now the same problem gnarls
At Camilla and Charles:
If they wed, should the prince abdicate?
RenWa writes 06/17/98
Along comes another new diet,
And of course I just have to try it.
So I part with my dough,
But the pounds never go;
"Oh waiter! More chicken, and fry it."
World Wide Web zealots all over Earth
Learnt the planet's first internet birth
Was successful offline --
Mom and babe are both fine --
But of labor online found a dearth!
Who put "sear" into Web search? HotBot!
Who put "lore" in explorer but Scott?
Who put "ouch" into "touch"
If not Starsky and Hutch? ...
Who put "big" into bigot? -- Trent Lott!
Though good B movies oft entertain
And the A ones aren't hard to explain
How'd the AFI's test
Make two C movies best? ...
Casablanca and Citizen Kane!
The poet comments, "Kinda silly, but it rhymes"
A single candle burning bright
Supplies our only light tonight
An inch of ice to make things freeze
Brings down cables, poles, and trees
Now, it is not a lovely sight.
Swings writes 06/16/98
She screamed as he opened the door
He in turn began to implore,
"f coyish are you
When usin' the loo,
Well, dearest, that's what locks are for."
The poet comments, "Threw it together just now."
I grunt and I groan like a fighter
My abdominal muscles grow tighter
I was going to diet
I won't have to try it
As now I weigh 3 kilos lighter.
Murky writes 06/15/98
Poor Daniel returned to the den.
The lions, quite hungry by then...
(Pleases fill in the blanks)
Then the lions gave thanks
For the Lord's most flavored of men
The poet comments, "What happened to the lion's share of the prophet? Somehow my biblical
poems are not hitting the mark with religious publishers. Suggestions?
"
Lassie's Lover writes 06/14/98
Roget had an awful concussion
Synonymized every discussion
The enchanting Miss Yokitov
Said "Would you knock it off?
I'm not 'In a hurry', I'm RUSSIAN!"
It seems mail-order brides are passé
Bridal candidate mixers hold sway:
Would-be brides, their wares tout
Friends of Groom pick Bride out ...
And the rest of their lives, both can pay!
The poet comments, "Looks like mall-order brides are in now ..."
"The best part is right in the middle,"
King Alfred said, dousing the griddle.
"Though the cake top did burn
And its bottom's an urn,
What's left, you can eat -- would I diddle?"
The poet comments, "A ninth-century example of spin-doctoring"
An occasional chaser of chicks
Too old for his usual tricks,
Now uses his head
Writing limericks, instead,
And thus, using words, gets his kicks.
The poet comments, "Is this a duplication, Sage?"
Don't think so...
First, let me explain that I'm cursed:
I'm a poet whose time gets reversed.
.reversed gets time
whose poet a I'm
:cursed I'm that explain me let, First
The poet comments, "Read this one in Omni Magazine about 15-20 years ago. Enjoy!"
JT shares a classic 06/12/98
The babe with a cry brief and dismal
Fell into the water baptismal
Ere they'd gathered its plight
It had sunk out of sight
For the depth of the font was abysmal
The poet comments, "Edward Gorey"
One of Toast Point's favorites!
Marilee writes 06/12/98
There was a black widow named Bridgette
Whose mate was a smaller sized midget.
After courting a bunch
She ate him for lunch
Now she's bored and inclined thus to fidget.
The poet comments, "Hope ya like it!"
Now a Mom of laborious girth
Plans to share her contractual mirth
She'll play poker, I read
While her doctors proceed
With what's virtually internet birth!
Oft while driving from home to the lab
With the news read, I take a first stab
At a limerick -- which po'm
Oft improves driving home ...
But at other times calls for rehab!
Now the World Cup has reached its third day
Tell me, when will the teams start to play?
None has yet scored more goals
Than a magnet has poles
But, like magnets, they draw, draw away!
Despite HMS Pinafore's fame
Captain Corcoran's losing the game
Till his true rank is shown
To be Buttercup's own
While his daughter's and Ralph's are the same!
The poet comments, "... but it's the Hebe-jeebies for Sir Joseph ..."
Heh-heh-heh. Toast Point is a devoted G&S aficionado, although Pinafore is not his fave.
If I take an umbrella, it's dry
If I don't, then it rains; and if I
Lament goals are too few --
That is, no more than two --
Guarantee at least three at next try!
Bluebird shares a classic by Dick Menkes 06/11/98
Ed Wood
Ed Wood (or his ghost) has returned to produce
A musical dealing with childhood abuse.
Through dancing and song,
You'll learn what went wrong
And WHY Dave, The Hermit, became a recluse.
Ed Wood did so many things wrong:
In movies, in drama and song.
His musical worst
Was Catherine the First,
With "Kate" sung by Anna May Wong.
The poet comments, "Ed Wood, Director and Screenwriter, notorious for producing bad movies
in the 50's and 60's, died in 1978. The movie, "Ed Wood", starring
Johnny Depp, was wonderful comedy about this eccentric charcter."
The best part is right in the middle
Whatever you do, what you did'll
Seem worse, fore and aft --
Which is why the dog laughed
Only after the cat and the fiddle!
When pigs fly, as some people say,
A lot of things will happen that day.
But I don't understand,
Where they will land,
So I can get out of their way!
Star writes 06/10/98
One time I believed I could fly
"C'mon," my friend said, "you could die!"
I took a big breath
Said, "I don't fear death!"
Then jumped and hit dirt.. missed the sky!
The poet comments, "Ouch!!"
Who'll take Susan B. Anthony's place
On a dollar, to press women's case?
Sally Ride, Rosa Parks? ...
No, it's Lewis and Clark's
Guide -- with neither a name nor a face!
The poet comments, "With all due respect to Sacajawea -- can you believe it? ... Yet there is hope. One of the 7-member panel voted against."
Jaques Ytzh shares a classic 06/09/98
There was an old man from Peru
Who dreampt he was eating his shoe
He awoke with a fright
To a terrible sight
And found it was perfectly true!
and a non-limerick
I sneezed a sneeze into the air
It fell to the earth I know not where
But cold and hard were the looks of those
In whose vicinity I snoze.
Beelzebub writes 06/09/98
I once owned a pig that could fly;
Ronald Reagan is witty and spry;
And rocks do not fall,
And love conquers all;
Life's a puppy dog, then you don't die.
Star writes 06/09/98
I was once told that SPAM was delicious
But I started to grow quite suspicious
That meat's made with parts
Bones, feet, brains, and hearts
And if it looks like it's moving, IT IS!
The poet comments, "I think that secretly, we all love SPAM... even if it is just pieces parts"
Bill Clinton's the man of the hour
So why does his wife have the pow'r?
Lewinski, of course
(Half woman, half horse)
No wonder Mrs. Clinton's so sour!
I've had a bad day, I confess
I've been overcome with such STRESS!
If you only knew
Quite what I've been through
I'm sure that you'd have P-M-S!
The poet comments, "Haha, how's that for late-night inspiration?
(Coming to you from well past midnight!)"
Desdemona, a virtuous maid
Loved Othello, whom Iago betrayed
When he caused him to think
That his girl was a fink ...
Now one's strangled, one's dead, and one's slayed!
The poet comments, "Know any Shakespeare tragedies with a substantially different ending?"
Pikelmeister shares a classic 06/09/98
Make sure that your fence is sturdy throughout,
To keep your dog safe, so he cannot get out.
For a pup that runs free
Can turn out to be
The "special du jour" at the Chinese take-out.
The poet comments, "This is an edited limerick by MrMalo, seen in alt.jokes.limericks.
I was tickled by the idea. "
HYSP writes 06/09/98
I once owned a pig that could fly
It's pot-bellied and couldn't die
'Cause it's eaten the elixir
Of Huo Yi the archer-saviour
From a chinese story you could buy.
Anon Y. Mous writes 06/09/98
She screamed as he opened the door
But we'll never know what she saw
For after he had gone,
Found strewn on the lawn
Were two arms and part of a jaw!
There once was a donkey named Kenneth
Over hill and dale he ranneth
For up on his head
Was a sign that said
"This space is for rent, call Kenneth."
The poet comments, "My sister's actually"
Lies Burnem writes 06/08/98
There was an eccentric from Lowell
Who preferred to eat soup with a towel:
Dipped it deep in the slop,
Then sucked out every drop,
'Til there wasn't one left in the bowl.
There once was a man from Lyme,
Who married three wives at a time,
when asked, "Why a third?",
Replied, "One is absurd...
And two, my friend, is a crime!"
A man had a wart on his nose.
He belched whenever he chose.
The man was a cad.
His manners were bad.
When his friends saw him coming they froze.
The poet comments, "Great idea, if you insist on limericks that meet the meter requirements."
We insist on nothing, but gently hint if the poet is straying from the path.
Arantxa Sanchez Vicario
Wins third French Open scenario
From Monica Seles --
She's tennis's zealous
New queen, and court impresario!
The poet comments, "At least in tennis, the reign's in Spain, 'tis plain"
The poet also correct an originally flawed spelling thus:
Though in English my spelling is fine
Spelling Spanish I'm not an Einstein
In "Aranxta" please change
The "xt" -- which is strange
To "tx" in that limerick of mine!
To scatter some seed is to sow.
A needle is used but to sew.
If you have been taught
That this means a lot,
Then you are a square so-and-so.
Does the Count, who is quite an aesthete
Pass the trash can on Sesame Street
With his nose in the air
To look down on who's there --
Or to not have to smell Oscar's feet?
The poet comments, "Where would civilization be without recycling of ideas? ... And yet"
I do worry the Friar opines
I replace CNN to the nines
'Cos to judge what is hot
When I come to his spot
I rely on the Friar's first lines!
Lassie's Lover writes 06/05/98
The need for a man to express
His elation or deepest distress
Drives pencil to paper
Turns pen into rapier
And keeps the wits whetted and dressed.
Friar writes 06/04/98
I watch TV not greater, but lesser
And of tabloids I’m no great assessor
So to catch up on news
And develop my views
I tune into the M-G Professor!
What's that smell that's so strong in this heat
From a trash can on Sesame Street?
Monster cookies gone bad?
Rotten eggs Big Bird had? ...
No, it's Oscar's unwashed furry feet!
Amanda Butkis writes 06/04/98
I was once in the shower
When I looked down and saw a large flower
I cried in despair
Before bruising my ugly hair
When I noticed it was now a tower
The poet comments, "I am cool."
Robert Dole said, "Lookie here, men.
Have courage and beard the lion's den.
Just suffer the pains
And hold on to your gains,
And I will hold on to my pen."
The poet comments, "You remember Elizabeth's husband?"
Lassie's Lover writes 06/01/98
The storm at my window is nigh
As thunderheads rattle the sky
Celestial strife,
Like an echo of life,
A chaotic, cacophonous cry.
Now Afghanistan's recent earth quake
In a cross-border bomb trial's wake
Make's one ask if land slide
And blasts just coincide --
Or if cause and effect are at stake!
The poet comments, "Doesn't take a rock scientist ..."
Friar writes 06/01/98
An anthropologist known just as Jim
Said the Irish have always been dim
But as for the Welsh
They’re nothing much else
Than Irish, that just learned to swim!
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