The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from May, 1998
Few and Far Between
What's the trouble with nuclear detente?
Pakistan won't hear tell that it can't
Answer India's nukes
With its own dread rebukes? ...
Or that Uncle Sam's no Asian aunt?
There was a bank teller named Howie,
Who foiled a bank robbery, then wow, he
Was told, "Pack a grip,
You're taking a trip."
Hero today, gone to Maui!
Beelzebub writes 05/30/98
A sartain arrhythmical bum,
At rhyming looks dumb as they come.
His lines do not flow,
For they never quite go:
De-dum diddy dum diddy dum!
Toast Point makes some popcorn, pulls up a chair and waits for Ron's response.
At a Web site called toastpoint.com
There's a menu to choose first lines from
Add four more of your own --
Whether nice, or off-tone --
And get starred if they shine with aplomb!
Toast Point thinks he may co-opt this for advertising...
I'm not superstitious, but then...
I believe what astrologers pen:
Horoscopes full of dreams
And romantical schemes
Make us Pisces the worst businessmen!
There once was a young girl named Lynn,
Who was fighting with her sister, Gwynn.
She said, very smugly,
"I think that you're ugly,"
Forgetting that she was a twin.
The Hedgehog shares a classic 05/29/98
A mosquito was heard to complain,
That a chemist had poisoned his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro
Dimethyldiethylpropane.
Said a linguist perturbed by his car,
Je n'aime pas cette bagnole, j'en ai marre.
Ne me gusta el coche
La macchina non parte,
ich habe eine panne, bizarr !
Said a linguist while eating a fritter,
"These overseas meals are so bitter.
Den här vodka och sås,
M'a donné de la force,
Aber Wo ist die Toilette, bitte?"
Comme disait un chef nommé Louis,
"Un bon plat anglais? C'est inouï !
La gastronomie? C'est
Une blague, ce pays !
Ils ne mangent que de 'curry et nouilles' !"
The poet comments, "erinaceous greetings to you all..."
Bluebird shares a classic 05/28/98
The Castratis' big trips were one-way
There was no going back the next day
The rewards were quite good,
But the big question stood:
Did those fellows get severance pay?
The poet comments, "A friend sent me this one a while ago. I have rewritten it slightly to improve the meter and stress, so that it fits the criteria of a "perfect limerick" If this has been published here previously, forgive me:
I just found this place and I love it!"
Since the poet has credited the source, the Sage has felt free to award its deserved gold star.
Mom went to the Borscht Belt last fall
"How was it ?"I asked in my call
"I didn't enjoy, Son,
The food was like poison...
Besides that, the portions were small."
The poet comments, "This is a limericked version of a very old classic joke."
He applied a plethora of heat
To a gasoline can (indiscreet).
Then he sat on the can
(A very odd man)
And the dummy blew off half his seat!
There once was a cowboy named Spence,
Who had two rules of common sense.
These were, of course,
To love your horse,
And don't sit naked on a barbed wire fence!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Confiscated souls' lewd magazines
O'er which later he pored ...
Till a bolt from the Lord
Smashed his specs into small smithereens!
I don't mean to get anyone miffed,
But, are body parts starting to shift?
If your main goal,
Is weight control,
Never eat more than you can lift!
FCA writes 05/26/98
It used to be my understanding
That a minute is fixed - not expanding
But my teachers have lied
Cos it depends on which side
Of the bathroom door you are standing !
Friar writes 05/24/98
I married a girl called Felicity
And she lights up my life (with simplicity)
From her head to her toes
She shines and she glows
Cause I keep her plugged in electricity!
The poet comments, "Happy Birthday to my wife Felicity (Big three O). We have a bright future together."
I saw what I thought was a comet
As I looked through my scope, 'twas a rocket
It was veering off course
Like a pig-drunken horse
And inside was Wallace and Gromit!
I propose that cheap horses are rare
Whether stallion or gelding or mare
And rare ones are expensive
So I figure (being pensive)
Cheap = expensive, so there!
Young girl approaches, with face so sweet.
I observe her, as she makes her retreat.
Viewed from the rear,
In hindsight, it's clear,
Thongs should only be worn on the feet!
I'm not superstitious, but then...
Would my eyes be as bad if, back when
I had heeded Mom say
"Eat ten carrots a day
For good eyes -- I won't tell you again!"
The poet comments, "Now I know better, of course, I eat them ... but ..."
I always leave carrots 'til last
When I'm eating a gourmet repast
By the time I can see
It's unhealthy for me
It's too late to be tempted to fast!
Betwixt and between you'll be torn,
You'll regret the day you were born.
So, take this advice,
Don't even think twice,
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!
Beelzebub writes 05/22/98
Poor Sumaq, scorched off by my flame!
What a shock! what a sin! what a shame!
Never mind, mortal fool;
If your rhyming's not cool,
It's not you – it is God who's to blame!
The poet comments, "Is this patronising? It's certainly meant to be."
PeterW writes 05/22/98
An ichthyosaurus, no less,
Met a plesiosaurus called Bess.
They frolicked all day
In an amorous way
And bred monsters galore in Loch Ness!
How much does a talk-show host earn?
I've tried very hard to discern.
It depends upon crap
And brain handicap,
So the big bucks surround Howard Stern.
The poet comments, "Now, what rhymes with Springer?"
OldGal writes 05/23/98
"My Heart Will Go On" - Well, on what?
"Prozac's the cure?" - It is NOT!
Your pain will unfurl
Out there in the world;
Get out there & show'm what you've got!
Woke up this morning, sez to the wife,
"No doubt, aging brings worry and strife.
My knees won't bend,
Back's out again,
I sure wish youth came later in life!"
Friar writes 05/22/98
"It was not my intention" I lied
To my wife, as she sat there and cried
"But your mother was ninety
I just told her politely
'Act your age', which she did - then she died!"
Just how many times must I tell you?
Will Jonesboro, Springfield compel you
To see it's a hoax
That guns don't kill folks? ...
Don't buy what the NRA sell you!
The poet comments, "With yesterday's events and that first line, kinda hard not to get preachy ..."
Neighbor's nailing the roof, shoulda used tacks,
Told him he's wrong, screwed up on the facts.
Well, his defense,
Didn't make sense,
Cause none of my bees even know how to wax!
Anonymous writes 05/21/98
I'm not superstitious, but then...
One day while visiting a friend
Who choked on his cheese
While stifling a sneeze
I wonder if mice are like men.
Willow Haven writes 05/21/98
She screamed as he opened the door
Made him drop cherry pie on the floor
Then her face turned bright red
And ahe laughed instead
She hated apple cobbler more.
A nearsighted bookkeeper from Queens
Could not find me the section on dreams
I hesitated on socking her
Because I did not want to mock her
Plus what a shame to ruin my jeans.
The poet comments, "Hey...she needed an attitude adjustment....really!"
Friar writes 05/21/98
Our headline read: 'Flu Bug Bites Durban'
(That's my home town, it's small, but it's urban)
Now, if bugs come that big
I'm as thick as a pig
Or else, I've had far too much bourbon.
The poet comments, "Hic, hic! Durban (pronounced Durbin, where I live) is actually a
city on the east coast of Afrique du Sud, and we're heading toward winter. The headline was
in last evening's paper.
"
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Thought he'd bought a ``church belt'' for his jeans
How mail order deceived! ..
'Twas a bell he received ...
But its rope did the trick, by all means!
The poet comments, "Take 2"
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Was frequented by rich libertines
Who feared scandal released
If absolved by a priest
Who could see through confessional screens!
The poet comments, "Brand new"
Gandolph writes 05/20/98
There once was a sea turtle named Myrtle
Who hated to wear her girdle.
"It is much too tight
And it doesn't fit right
And I still have the shape of a turtle."
The poet comments, "My father and I wrote this together years ago for a
fourth grade english project. Everytime I think of it, I remember him."
Bob shares a classic 05/20/98
There once was a lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She set off one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night.
P.I writes 05/20/98
Titanic was a ship
Which one day went for a flip
Everyone cried
Someone tried
But all it took was a slip.
Al Willis sent a bunch 5/20
The young folks have something to learn,
And they are not quick to discern
The public's great love
And the song stylings of
Patti, Maxene, and LaVerne.
The poet comments, "If you don't know who they are, ask Gramps."
The saints all believe, without proof.
When they die they go up on the roof.
Their fervor won't wane,
As they pray in the rain,
And I'm sure that they're quite waterproof.
I look bad when I wake up. I do.
I resemble a gnu with the flu.
My breath, like a swine's
And my eyes with red lines...
May I ask, did you just get up too?
The Indian was rendered head saddum
Because we have harnessed the atom.
"To avoid being dead,"
He despondently said,
"We'll build teepees much stronger and pad 'em.
All the bees walk through flowers with glee.
Then they fly away info a tree.
The birds touch the pollen,
And I know it's appallin,'
But that's what I think, and I'm three.
A chelonia propels kind of slow.
She's not known for speed, as you know.
At times, she's quite fertile.
Most people say "turtle,"
And her head, sometimes, just doesn't show.
There was a young lady named Spring
And saving whales was her thing.
But I'm not so grand,
You understand,
'Cuz I save stamps and string.
She's no longer a young Irish lass.
In fact, she has had a bypass.
Her hair, it is true,
Is really quite blue,
But she hasn't quite run out of gas.
She was cuddly and age eighty-eight
She said, about marriage, "Let's wait."
"My hair must be dyed
(I do have my pride)
And they're building my new upper plate."
My wife is no longer a miss.
While her hair is quite blue, I'll say this:
In years now long gone,
She was sleek as a fawn,
And now I can just reminisce.
He hated her hue, that is true.
Her hair was too blue, in his view.
He once badly dyed her
And could not abide her.
So he slapped on some H202.
A chemist whom some of you know
Just loved to see ice and deep snow.
He mixed Tungsten and Tin
And some Oxygen,
And he finally fashioned some SnOW.
No matter how much you may goad,
I refuse to dissect a live toad.
No ifs, ands, or buts,
I don't have the guts,
And that is the end of this ode.
Was I forty just ten years ago?
At the time, I was feeling gung ho.
Are my numbers wrong?
Is this my swan song?
My good wife swears that I'm seven O.
When I look at my face in the mirror
And my wife speaks and I cannot hear her.
I think my youth's gone
Like some dying swan.
The grim reaper, methinks, is now nearer.
We cannot stand many more losses.
Our charts will soon look just like Ross'.
We've downsized our crew;
Our bills are past due.
We'll have to get rid of the bosses!
If business is lousy, don't sweat it.
When you see lots of debit, no credit,
Take the cash from the till
And abscond to Brazil.
Take that P and L statement and shred it!
The kids who are born are first-rate.
But they're fewer than ever, of late.
There's no hanky-panky
'Twixt Johnny and Frankie.
It's because of that Heidi Force Raite.
That fan wouldn't move; it stayed straight.
It must have been made in Kuwait.
Please take the fan back,
As the thing's out of whack.
All the fans that I know ovulate.
Friar writes 05/20/98
My aunt left me a Rembrandt and quaint
Stradivarius - Boy! did I faint!
I rushed them to town
To a dealer renown
But Stradivari, he said didn't paint.
One night while we're drinking a keg,
It was reckoned by my buddy, Greg,
That if his dog, Quick'un,
Could marry my chicken,
Their offspring would be a pooched egg!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Cribbed his sermons from old magazines
Hid beyond focal length
Where he read but a tenth
Of the words ... so he ad-libbed the scenes!
FCA writes 05/19/98
I once owned a pig that could fly
But he's not returned since the 4th of July
Tho' a resident New Yorker
Reports seeing a porker
Hit a moon-jumping cow in the sky!
Too crowded in a cluster of nine,
The grape bravely jumped from the vine.
"That didn't much hurt,"
It said with a squirt,
And then let out a little wine.
OldGal writes 05/18/98
Just how many times must I tell you?
How difficult is it to sell you?
Education is grand!
Anywhere in this land...
The one that it helps is, well, YOU!
The poet comments, "These opening lines are fun; thanks! :)"
Thankyou!
PeterW writes 05/18/98
I told my dog Bonzo, "Come hither."
But Bonzo (the bugger) went thither.
The sound of my zither
Made Bonzo dog dither
Twixt hither and thither and whither.
Monique de Plume writes 05/18/98
My friend is a fellow named Fox
Who dabbles in biotech stocks.
Do you think he could win?
Should he even stay in?
Depends on whose jewelry he hocks!
The poet comments, "Poking fun at my hobby."
I once owned a pig that could fly
From the abattoir back to his sty
He was such a quick dasher
He never made rasher
Nor ever became a pork pie!
The poet comments, "After years of bringing home his bacon, he died of boardom"
The Friar writes 05/18/98
Her friends told her 'marriage is great'
So she married, and now, I'm her mate
She says true happiness
She now knows what it is
But, alas and alack, it's too late!
Rich married a real "hum-dinger."
She ran off with a country singer.
She left him poor,
He's rich no more,
She got the ring, he got the finger!
A delinquent, at twelve, this teenager
Had faults (none were minor) all major.
She stole and she lied
And she did matricide,
And rather than change her, I'd cage her!
OldGal writes 05/16/98
The best part is right in the middle
Just where the bow meets the fiddle.
The cat and the cow,
They knew it somehow....
But the dish and the spoon are a riddle!
There once was an old man named Zerds,
Who said, "Getting old's for the birds.
Joints don't work good,
Not like they should,
And actions creak louder than words."
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Bought a mail-order belt for his jeans
Now he loses his pants
Every time he descants
But his bell warns the choir of rude scenes!
Just to be is to do, said Rousseau
No, to do is to be -- Sartre's mot
Do-be-do-be-do-do
Sang Sinatra, on cue
Do-be-do-be-do-be, and then go!
The poet comments, "Farewell to the last of the three great philosophers"
She screamed as he opened the door,
"There are roaches, dead on the floor."
"These didn't survive,
There's still some alive,"
He said, "But, then, who's keeping score?"
"Let's meet at this out-of-town diner
'Cause I know that you're just a minor."
But instead she went home
Got the cops on the phone
That'll teach him to dine and not wine'er!
PJ writes 05/15/98
To "Blue-Eyes" we'll say a 'so long'...
Let our hearts be filled with a song
Pledge it today,
To do it your way...
He did, and it didn't go wrong.
A teen-ager from Georgia, named Buzz,
Had a chin that was covered with fuzz,
He asked Pam to a dance,
She said, "Not a chance,
You're no peach and you never wuzz."
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Has a wife of considerable means
"Though 'tis frugal I look
That's not in The Book."
As he left in his limousine.
Beelzebub writes 05/14/98
Those mourners in bleak cavalcade
Are gathered to bury a maid
Who had the ill luck
To be hit by a truck
And then scraped from the road with a spade.
The poet comments, "Not sleeping, just dead. Spread a little sunshine, I always say."
Eeewwwwww!
Previous submissions weren't up to par,
But you're ok, SAGE, wise man that you are.
I thought, this guy's tough,
Enough is enough,
Then you surprised me and gave me a star!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
While constructing Nativity scenes
Wrapped up Jesus and Joe
In two wise men's manteaux
And put Mary in swaddling-clothes jeans!
Big Bob writes 05/13/98
A scorned woman's wrath, let me tell
Is a subject I know very well
There's six in my home
And men? Just the one
I think that I've found hormone hell!
A Mariachi band from the local cantina,
Party guests dancing the Macarena,
Chile rellenos divine,
Tears flowing like wine,
As I sing, "Don't cry for me, Arch and Tina."
Toast Point sings, "The ants are my friends - they're blowing in the wind..."
If you need to catch fish, be forethoughter
And figure out what you shoud orter.
I feel free to opine
That you jerk on the line,
But you first put the line in the water!
Al, share with us your perm story! You must have one...
Aitch writes 05/12/98
A bottle-nosed dolphin named Chad
Went surfing with his mom and dad.
When they got back
They felt like a snack,
And ate up a small school of shad.
The poet comments, "this was written to demonstrate that I can also be cute and innocuous"
A glance at the naughties will show you why the poet feels he
needs to establish this...
The Friar writes 05/11/98
All ‘learn to speak’ records should vanish
Or just scratchy ones, they should banish
Cause the last one I bought
Taught me fluent, I thought
‘Til they told me I stutter in Spanish!
There once was a tree on the beach,
Whose coconuts were just out of reach,
I only got madder,
When I slipped off my ladder,
And my face hit the sand with a screech.
Rachel writes 05/11/98
There once was a boy named Regetti
Who liked to eat his spaghetti
He ate and he ate
Till he cleaned up his plate
No more spaghetti at Regetti's!
The poet comments, "Now do you want spaghetti?
I'm 11 how am I doing :)?"
Lassie's Lover writes 05/11/98
I come to deep-six brother Caesar
Not praise the ambitious old geezer
His good's good as gone
Yet his evil lives on
Friends, ain't that a heck of a teaser?
"Poor mariner, ruined and wrecked,
Are you wiser for taking your trek?"
"Yes,I learned not to cross
Any old albatross
That happens to poop on my deck."
I blame it on low level static
Or noise from the toys in my attic
There's no explanation
For low inspiration
Erato can be so erratic!
When the bit doesn't fit, it's a pain
So of course, any horse will complain
Is an equine aspirant
Decrying the tyrant
Arraigning the reign of the reins?
FCA writes 05/11/98
A hardware shop salesman called Randalls
Was confronted by a dame with four candles.
She said , "Take these back -
Cos my idiot son, Jack
Bought them though I told him fork handles" !
The poet comments, "Inspired by a brilliantly funny sketch of the
"Two Ronnies" some 20 years ago."
"My Heart Will Go On" - Well, on what?
Well, when I’m depressed quite a lot
And life’s too much to bear
My heart I shall wear
On my sleeve with my tears and my snot!
The poet comments, "Loved your Oyster Lim, Beelz & I see good
Al Willis is getting quite creative with his Pen Name."
I received a postcard from my dear
The picture was pretty and clear
Of the earth far away
Turned it over, did say
“Having fun, but I wish you were here.”
That zany old man Mr. Bean
Proceeded a mirror to clean
Then to office did take
Photocopy did make
Now has his own Xerox machine!
Ron Sartain shares a classic 05/10/98
There once was a limerist named Belle,
Whose best limerick was stolen by Mel,
She said, "I'll give it up,
You took but a cup,
While I have yet within me a well."
The poet comments, "The last two lines are remembered from somewhere in the
past, not original, but I feel it's worth sharing."
Mom and Dad bedded down in Beirut.
They mated, and I was the fruit.
Their forebears were plain,
And I'm not a brain,
But you'll have to admit that I'm cute!
The poet comments, "Fiction. I am from New Orleans and Chicago"
But we're sure you're still cute, Al!
Lassie's Lover writes 05/10/98
Daily news says we're poorer than flies
What happened to silence the cries
Of "New traktors each day!
Thirty thousand, hooray!"
Ah, we miss those old communist lies.
Beelzebub writes 05/10/98
The Marquis of Thingamie-Jigge
Once found a rats' nest in his wig.
Quoth he: "In false hair
One expects the odd lair -
But this tenement's nine stories big."
There once was a ship that came in,
It was loaded with whiskey and gin,
The captain took note,
Said, "Don't rock the boat,
Or we'll lose all our booze in the 'swim'".
Beelzebub writes 05/09/98
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
With blind faith hung around the latrines.
He was raped from behind,
Lost what passed for his mind,
And now wanders about making scenes.
A vet pilot of AirTran renown
Who in Vietnam twice was shot down
Lost his nose cone in hail
But kept cool, without fail
To land safe in a Tennessee town!
Henry Fitzgerald writes 05/08/98
For the past seven years or so, Hugh
Has dreamt about Winnie-the-Pooh.
He will wake with a scream —
He dreams no other dream —
And just think: this could happen to you.
“I do not,” said the murderous Budd,
“Have a penchant for violence and blood.
I merely pushed Jane
In the path of a train,
In order to hear the ka-thud.”
The poet comments, "Possibly a bit too Edwardian."
“The fact,” said a man from Eurasia,
“That I’m lazy, and growing much lazier,
Isn’t hard to endure —
So why should I cure
This chronic, but pleasant, akrasia?”
Blondie was a loveable dame,
Invited to a party, and came,
She hid under a bed,
A month later, she's dead,
Winner of the "hide and seek" game.
Anonymous writes 05/08/98
I'd take a steamroller, to start
Then hammers and mauls a la carte
I'd squash Debussy
Into whole-tone paté
And call it "impressionist" art
The poet comments, "Oh, actually I like old Claude just fine. How about a woodwind quintet
arrangement of Nuages, Toast?"
Oo!
My friend thinks that haikus are just for the birds
And limericks are mostly beloved by nerds
But little's more fun
Here under the sun
Than a pun, or a play on words.
Beelzebub writes 05/08/98
In these humid summers of heat,
Mr Mugg's sudoriferous feet
(With his weight, and his loathing
Of changing his clothing)
Compress all his socks into peat.
Lassie's Lover writes 05/08/98
A zoo has been robbed in Mt. Earl!
The loot wasn't diamonds or pearls
What witnesses heard,
Or so they averred,
Was "Natasha! Ve got Moose unt Squirl!"
Your name, a northwind on my breath
My watchword, my wintery shibboleth
Oh, daughter of frost,
Be I stressed or storm-tossed
I'll be strong in your faith unto death
The poet comments, "Serious limerick... yawn... snore..."
Ystap writes 05/08/98
I just bought the real "dog from hell,"
His yapping will surely dispel
Any hopes I had lurking
To teach this little jerking
Canine to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
The poet comments, "I think he's one taco short of a combo!"
FCA writes 05/08/98
I once owned a pig that could fly
On its back I would ride in the sky.
They called it a suckling ......
But these straps you are buckling
On my jacket - can you tell me why?
There once was a cowboy named Weed,
Prone to get thrown from his steed,
So he took a big wrench,
Bolted his spurs to the cinch,
Now he stays in the saddle, guaranteed.
Ystap writes 05/07/98
A nearsighted cleric from Queens,
His tastes a bit more than his means,
Dined at Cirque on the fish,
Now he has just one wish,
There's an end to the dishes he cleans!
“I loathe and detest,” muttered Zachary,
As he sipped on his strawberry dacquiri,
These cocktail affairs,
With their absence of chairs,
And their yackety-yackety-yackery.”
Ystap, we are guessing that the 2nd one is yours - there was no author listed.
Just how many times must I tell you?
As your master, I can easily sell you
To a "massa" not nice,
So you'd better think twice
About bathing, 'cause I can still smell you!
She screamed as he opened the door,
Revealing the scene on the floor,
Seems the cat went ballistic
Had eaten her lipstick,
Her pancake, eyeliner and more!
The poet comments, "Thanks, Friar, for the "first lines""
Lassie's Lover writes 05/07/98
My queue was supposed to be FIFO
The stack I hacked should have been LIFO
But a push on the stack
Popped the queue in the back
Cause my program was littered with typos.
((Any LISPer can) (parse) (it with ease)
(We (cdr (and car)) as we please)
(We (setq and listp)
(With ((eyes) (blurred and misty))
(From (counting (the ((idiot)))) parentheses)))
Beelzebub writes 05/07/98
Oysters are sometimes delicious
And not often, if ever, vicious;
But digest the shell,
And you'll feel quite unwell,
So eat only the bit that is squishous.
Ray Hemphill writes 05/07/98
He's the wisest of wise in the land,
And on that idea he'll expand.
There's nothing he lacks,
So don't pat his back,
For there you'll encounter his hand.
Ystap writes 05/06/98
While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs,
St. Peter was counting the bums
Doing jigs up the stairway
Like balls on a fairway,
Humming, "Heaven's the heart of the slums!"
A lady mosquito called Lizzzzz
Came to my arms in a whizzzzz
And just as she sat
I shouted: "Take that!"
But luckily for her it was mizzzzz.
In old Mexico the culture's sublime,
Refried beans are tasting just fine,
But am I being a jerk,
Or could they save work,
By just frying 'em right the first time?
Al Willis shares a classic 05/05/98
If you want to succeed, call a pro.
To cut losses, you must call Perot.
You can't call Slick Willie.
Or Chelsea or Mille.
Get someone to watch all our dough.
Lassie's Lover writes 05/05/98
In Magyar the palindromes fly
Left to right, right to left, and that's why
They say with good cheer
To whomever will hear,
Java kerek s kerek a vaj
The poet comments, "Yes, it rhymes; no, it doesn't mean anything particularly clever."
At night subtle frights fix my mind
Am I the last one left behind?
Do we merely keep pace
In a sad rodent-race?
Oh, whither, whence, wherefore mankind?
The poet comments, "If you already got this, sorry for resubmitting
(But I really like this one, even though "serious" limericks are
somewhat anomalous)"
“I’ve bought you a Porsche,” said Gail
“With some cash from our last diamond sale.
It’s real nifty and fast,
And I’m sure it will last
Twenty years… ‘til you get out of jail”
The poet comments, ""May the forth be with you" everyone"
To build a better one, I"m told,
Would fill my pockets with gold.
But this simple contraption,
Is not apt for adaption.
What secret does the mouse-catcher hold?
Jess34_98 writes ...
There once was a very small bug.
Everyone liked to call him Doug.
He walked on the cement.
He ended up getting bent.
And now he looks just like a slug.
and shares a classic 05/04/98
There once was a man from Perth.
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married thay say,
On his wife's wedding day,
And died when he finished the earth.
Henry Fitzgerald writes 05/03/98
That harmonic demon, Debussy,
Is really as mild as a pussy;
And both his “Au claire
de la lune” and “La mer”
Are vapid, insipid, and wussy.
The poet comments, "Never liked Debussy."
The poet should have heard the industrial-strength concert band
arrangement of "Claire de Lune" that Toast Point conducted two weeks ago. Wussy, huh?
I admit, when I saw the dead terrier,
My impulse, at first, was to bury her.
But I started to feel
That she’d make a nice meal,
If I’d properly season and sherry her.
Lassie's Lover writes 05/03/98
Prince H. and the queen get betrayed
King C. and his rogue get the blade
The windbag--deflated
Friends--decapitated
And madness devours the maid.
The poet comments, "This is essential; the rest is episode."
His heart tied in torturous loops,
Hamlet fears he hears someone that snoops
What ho! It's a rat!
Take this! And take that!
Oh! Sorry, Polonius (oops).
King C, full of regal concern
Sends Hamlet off, ne'er to return
Guess who takes the whacks
From the Englishman's axe?
Good Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
(But nobody knows in advance
Which is which, so I won't look askance
If you said that instead,
They cut off the heads
Of Good Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)
May I offer a question, if you don't mind, please?
Only one time can bring you down to your knees.
I've seen the tears flow,
I'm a two-timer, I know,
But why is it my spouse, always sneezes in "three's"?
PeterW writes 05/03/98
In Holland locating your bike
Is a sod 'cos they all look alike.
Until they're designed
To be easy to find
I suggest that you purchase a trike.
The poet comments, "I was in Amsterdam recently and noticed that all the bikes looked the same. (Or maybe there was only one and I'd had way too much to drink!)"
Beelzebub writes 05/03/98
'Twas Lord Fymble-Thumberley's fear
Of chewing his mistress's ear
That finally led
Her to leap into bed
With his dentures and do something queer.
A spider I know is quite bright.
He has wisdom and wit and insight.
There's no one who's shrewder;
He has a computer,
And soon he will have a web site.
There once was a man from Quebec
Who raced with his horse neck and neck.
He said, "But of course,
I can't race with a horse,
He'll sure as hell win - what the heck!"
There once was a guy from Chicago
Whose wife was a real-life virago.
She nagged him all day
'Til he ran away
To a hideout not far from Key Largo.
The poet comments, "At this time of night, I've a zany sense of humor, so I'm not sure if
these limericks are funny or not. Just tried to type "virago" in my talking dictionary to check the pronunciation, and accidentally punched in the letter
"d." Then, instead of punching CLEAR, I accidentally pressed SAY. Whaddya
know, the thing actually said "d!" I thought this was so hilarious, I'm still
in stitches."
Toast Point once was in a meeting where his boss was happily demonstrating his talking dictionary, saying
all sorts of naughty words.
Information? Reprisals Suppress
Inquisition Redoubles Success
Invade Residence, Seize
Inland Revenue Sleaze ...
Four new ways to define IRS!
There once was a man of St. Bees
Who'd an awful affliction of fleas.
When one dared to suppose
He'd go up the man's nose,
It was quickly dispatched with a sneeze.
The poet comments, "Actually, this was a collaborative effort. Brian Nealon, a graduate
student of Creative Writing, and I enjoyed W.S. Gilbert's classic
blank verse limerick, "There was a young man of St. Bees". We wanted
a rhymed one retaining the insect theme of Gilbert's, as it followed
one of the master, himself, Edward Lear."
Well, any homage to W.S. Gilbert is welcome here, since Toast Point is a G&S aficionado.
There once was a Miami librarian
Who dwelt among pastures agarian.
For this Miami can't boast
Of Atlantic's fair coast,
But, instead, is a valley riparian.
The poet comments, "I composed this geographical limerick a few years ago. I helps to explain
(a little) where Miami University's name comes from (Great Miami river).
I know the anapest at the beginning of the last line lacks matches in the
first two lines. I think that is the only weakness in my first effort,
ever. "
Beelzebub writes 05/01/98
A Friar - of monks they're the worst -
With a cute little lisp is accursed;
So he and his rhyme
In a very short time
Shall see God - for the lame enter first.
Lassie's Lover writes 05/01/98
The Finnish means, "dealer in lies"
The other one's hard to describe
I'd say what it means
But this metrical scheme
Prohibits its being anglicized.
Jamie X Bickerstaff writes 05/01/98
There was a young girl from Gloucester
Whose parents thought they had lost her
From the fridge came a sound
And there she was found
But the trouble was how to defrost her!
The poet comments, "I could do even better I'm sure"
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