The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from April, 1998
Few and Far Between
While transacting at the local bank
With a gun, my heart quickly sank,
For when I returned to the lot
With the funds that I got,
I discovered no gas in the tank.
Blue Paine shares a classic 04/30/98
A young man of King David's line
Changed water into the best wine
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"The glory's my father's, not mine!"
The poet comments, "A poet friend told me there was a Christian
limerick contest and solicited an entry. Then he wouldn't use it
(something about fearing for his life). I hate to see it lie fallow, so . . .
here it is!"
We like it!
There once was a preacher named Purvis,
Who made all the church members nervous,
For the sign at the door,
They couldn't ignore,
"No shirt, no shoes, no service."
The poet comments, "My first limerick submission anywhere!"
Oo!
Lassie's Lover writes 04/29/98
"Saippuakivikauppias," said Jack,
"A Finn palindrome, front to back!"
Said I, "that's a scary one
Here's some Hungarian:
Kár a kan papnak a rák!"
Translations, oh poet?
In French it is called le chien,
In Russian, sabaka, my friend
Das hund for Germanics
El perro (Hispanic)
Latin, canis; Georgian, jighla. The end.
That one we got...
The point of the Great Chinese Wall
Was a place for their poems to be scrawled
Sure, it was needed,
But it's been superceded
With the advent of pay toilet stalls.
The French is one tongue I'll forego
And with good reason for doing so:
The spelling's a wreck,
Man, e-a-u-x
Is no way to spell a long "o"!
An Irishman's sad tale of grief:
Dyslexic beyond all belief,
Instead of the usual
Patty's day victuals
He served up corned beer and green beef.
Fred's heart attack, while on the links,
Was tragic and painful, methinks.
It was on hole thirteen
At the edge of the green.
We dragged him five holes and had drinks.
The poet comments, "No, I don't golf. I'm un-Amurrican."
A wail pierces my head, shattering dawn.
It shrieks...like some hideous spawn.
An old poltergeist...?
My soul here to heist?
No...Celine and "My Heart Will Go On".
The poet comments, "Inspired by my clock radio today.
It's sad...because I used to *like* that song."
A physicist whose mind was impaired,
Said, "Eureka! I am now prepared
To spread news far and wide
Without ego or pride,
That E equals MC squared.
The Friar writes 04/28/98
Beelth’bub’th no finethe and no grathe
Thinthe he pithed on Thumaq’th theething fathe
My advithe to you both
And thith you can quothe
Thtop wathting Toatht Point’th thyber-thpace!
Toast Point loves limerick flame wars. It forces the poets to be oh-so-creative.
FCA writes 04/28/98
When He was questioned by Eve, God told 'er
"Yes Adam was first and he's older.
If I'd made you first, madam
And then I'd made Adam
You'd have been kibbitzing over my shoulder."
This work ethic we have is quite crazy.
Why not blow in the breeze like a daisy?
Reject ambition, stay loose -
For it is an excuse
For not having enough sense to be lazy !
Monique de Plume writes 04/27/98
I've lived and I've worked in the East;
I've lived and I've worked in the West.
Now if you don't mind
I'd sure like to find
Some laurels upon which to rest.
The poet comments, "Written when I was too bushed to do anything else."
Ystap writes 04/27/98
So, Merlin, you fooled that old crone,
Choosing Arthur to serve you alone,
Now crusty Queen Mab
Has a penchant to grab
Young Art and that sword from the stone!
The poet comments, "No help from the Lady of the Lake!"
It happened, it seems, in mitosis.
The lions became less ferocious.
Chromosomes went berserk
And through a strange quirk,
The lions are merely precocious.
Zekow writes 04/26/98
There once was a boy named Mike,
Who loved to ride his bike,
One day in the fall,
He drove into a wall,
From then on he'd rather just hike.
There was a young man named Mario
Who took pride in being from the barrio
He crossed ways with his gang
Who said he would hang
And is now in the obits of "El Diario"
Mehitable writes 04/25/98
There once was a boy named Jack
Who sat himself down on a tack
He quickly did rise
With tears in his eyes
And went galloping home to his shack!
The poet comments, "not bad for a fifth grader huh? I was 11 when I wrote this.
won't tell ya how long ago that was."
There once was a girl named Millie,
Who danced until she was silly.
Her head in a whirl
She died. The poor girl.
They buried her, holding a lily.
The poet's nom de plume reminds Toast Point that he must explore the
world of Archi and Mehitabel some day.
Toast Point writes 4/25/98
The mysteries of
S.J. Rozan
P.I. Lydia Chin and her man
Just delicious to read
What you'd get if you breed
Sue Grafton and - yes - Amy Tan!
I'm pushing a new favorite writer. The Lydia Chin/Bill Smith mysteries
by S. J. Rozan are set in Manhattan and feature wonderfully-drawn characters,
particularly Lydia's Chinatown family.
FCA writes 04/25/98
The early bird which flies from the trees
Gets the worm with the greatest of ease.
But the first of them mice
Gets its head in a vice -
It's the ones after which pick up the cheese !
Beelzebub writes 04/24/98
Betrayed by his partner at bridge,
And therefore in debt by a smidge,
He broke, with the phone,
Her occipital bone,
And then stashed her away in the fridge.
FCA writes 04/24/98
I looked up "shin" for a lark -
It's definition in Websters is stark.
Nowhere does it mention
That this bony extension
Can locate chairs and tables when dark.
To see me's a real sad sight.
I have trouble in standing upright.
The cause of my trouble:
My back is bent double.
My suspenders, Doc.says are too tight!
I looked up my family tree.
I was shocked as ever could be.
There's no variations
In my past relations;
All were lazy and dumb,just like me!"
FCA writes 04/23/98
My old jalopy - I couldn't be prouder
So took it for repair to Al Howder.
He said, "The brakes are kaput -
Cost an arm and a foot -
So, instead, I've made your horn louder. "
Dave writes 04/23/98
There was a guitarist named Crockett
Could close his case, but couldn't lock it.
Then he tried with his pick,
And it locked with a "click"!
Now he carries his pick in his pocket.
The poet comments, "I thought this up in the shower the morning before I sent an email to a
favorite professional guitarist, Billy Crockett. I must be ill!"
I gave her a gift of great price
She said, “Wow, It’s real cool, it’s real nice,
But next time, my man
First remove if you can
The anti-shoplifting device!”
I once met a man from Peru
Who taught birds to talk at a zoo.
He coached a brown owl,
A recalcitrant fowl,
Who said only--you guessed it--"To Whoo-o-o."
The poet comments, "Prompted by a bird who sits outside my window all night."
Ystap writes 04/22/98
Gates demo'd his Win-98,
At a luncheon for $$$ a plate,
But his new system crashed
And old Billy got bashed
By his audience, unfed and irate!
The poet comments, "Still trying to figure out Win-95!"
FCA writes 04/22/98
Reads an obituary in a paper from Maine
"We announce the demise of John Lane.
Now at peace and asleep.
(Parachute, going cheap -
Used once, never opened, small stain)"
PJ writes 04/21/98
You can only catch mad cow disease
If you're bitten by one of their fleas.
It takes just a chomp
On the end of your rump:
You're MAD; but the flea is appeased!
Traqair writes 04/21/98
You can only catch mad cow disease
By rejecting the vet's remedies
Said one cow to the other,
"We don't need to bother.
Thank goodness, we're both chimpanzees!"
The Ambu tribe has a fine spear.
It's something the natives revere.
It's the main Ambu lance
In the medicine dance,
And it's worth a side trip to Zaire.
Anonymous writes 04/21/98
One Saturday night on Mars
The subject came around to bars
They wondered if we saw
When we drank too much "braw"
Those little brown men from the stars.
98.5 writes 04/21/98
There once was a vampire double-jointed
Who sharpened his fangs so adrioted
And bending backwards stated
"By our natures we're fated.
When hind is before destiny's ap'pointed."
There once was a girl named Lily
Who loved a boy named Billy
They came from the hills
And they live there still
Their kids are named Willy, Nilly, and Fred
Beelzebub writes 04/21/98
Poor Sumaq is one of those few
Who cannot give a devil his due;
For it seems that my pith
Is less hit and more myth -
In which case, mortal fool, pith on you.
Now, Beelz...
There was a pray mantis that said
“My dear husband, it’s time that we bred”
He obliged with great passion
And thought, “Hey, this is smashin’”
‘Til she started devouring his head!
I knew that her birthday was nearing.
I had made lots of dough, racketeering.
While I never could spell,
She was grateful as hell,
When I gave her a fine DOMINEERING.
The poet comments, "Just writ today. It's that fresh."
There once was a vampire goof,
Who preyed on an old tavern's roof,
Every night a taste test,
And the one he liked best,
Was usually around 80 proof!
Emily writes 04/19/98
I once knew a young lady named Sue
Who lived in a crazy old zoo
She had bugs in her hair
She didn`t really care
I think she died of the flu
The poet comments, "Please give me some feedback, tell me what you
think of my limerick! at
BODYSTICKS@aol.com"
Zekow writes 04/18/98
In my effort to change a tire,
I should have relied on a squire,
With one mighty grip,
I pulled and then slipped,
I now feel my finger on fire!
The poet comments, "Actually happened, I'm now nursing a broken finger."
Spudbug writes 04/18/98
I was enjoying a beautiful spring day.
Gathering flowers for a wonderful bouquet.
I didn't see...
a big giant bee.
and I forgot what this line was to say.
The poet comments, "I've enjoyed reading everyone else's poems too. "
The sound of the frogs in the distance
Is lowering the winter's resistance
And the birds' cheery song
Tells me winter's near gone
And water is no more resistant.
I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs
This download's so long I'm near numb.
Oh! whenever will it end
I thought Netscape was a friend
Twiddle deedle, tweedle didle, tweedle dum.
There once was a man from Batavia
Who said to his girl "I'll be a slave to ya."
The promise was no joke
In a month he was broke
So he went home to his mom in Centralia.
Sumaq writes 04/17/98
Beelezebub, say I forthwith,
Is adm'rable as a wordsmith;
I give him high praise
At turning a phrase
And his bark seems worse than his pith.
Do not gossip or bandy about
That my cousin smells like Brussels sprout.
His smell, I've opined
Does bring to my mind
The smell of week-old sauerkraut!
Ystap writes 04/17/98
It's spring, and the flowers are blooming,
All the wasps and the bees are a-zooming!
As they sting with delight,
I'm in panic from fright,
'Cause I picture my early entombing!
The poet comments, "Bzzzzzzz....arghhhhhhh!!!"
Will Shakespeare's the boss, don't you see?
All manner of folks will agree,
With a heigh and a ho
And a heigh nonny no,
He's the king of artsy repartee.
The poet comments, "A test on first-lines is forthcoming!"
Beelzebub writes 04/16/98
While driving one night, Mrs Bender
Had an accident, denting her fender;
For she'd seen a huge toad,
Standing right in the road,
Wearing stockings and black silk suspender.
The earth flat? Nay! I disagree
An oblate spheroid it must be
For if it were flat
One couldn’t say that,
We stick here from sheer gravity!
An elephant paints color scenics
For three grand a canvas in Phoenix
Earning cash for the Zoo
And she signs them all, too -
So neatly, it's like a machine "X"!
The poet comments, "She was on TV last night -- hope that doesn't make
her late with her income tax return!"
FCA writes 04/15/98
A French countryside sign is writ large
With, "This field is farmed by Lefarge.
There's a stile by the tree -
You can cross there for free -
But our four longhorn bulls often charge !"
A new diagnosis of cancer
Is sure not a great mood enhancer.
For though you might live
It's not positive,
You might end up dead's a merganser.
The poet comments, "A merganser is a type of duck. Hey, it rhymes better. I thought up this
black humor in the doctor's office while awaiting the word on a breast lump.
in a mammogram. (Fortunately, it was a benign cyst.)
"
Joe Gill shares a classic 04/14/98
Habaneros I love to eat
For my mouth they are quite a treat
But my stomach does shiver
As I swallow a river
I will not see defeat.
The poet comments, "For all you pepper lovers out there."
There was a blind batsman called Rich
Who was batting by ear, during which
He was bowled, when a ‘flyer’
Whistled two octaves higher
And he couldn’t quite get to the pitch!
Erwin Paul writes 04/12/98
There once was a lawyer named Spring
Who had a good client called Sprung
When Sprung went to jail
Spring paid for his bail
Spring sprang Sprung!
The poet comments, "All right all right, maybe it ain't classica; limerickism, but..."
PeterW writes 04/12/98
The Earth must be flat, seems to me,
'Cos otherwise how could the sea
Which contains only water
Stay put, when it oughta
Flow south, which is downwards. Agree?
The poet comments, "My first posting here!"
Welcome aboard!
A floating St. Louis casino
Was rammed by a barge drifting free. Know
Why? ... Waters flood-high
Sent the barge crashing by ...
What brings ruin to gamblers? -- El Nino!
The poet comments, "Take 2"
Beelzebub writes 04/11/98
A girl who was born with a caul
Could prophesy fit to appall.
She shrieked out, "Cemented!"
And they thought her demented –
Till her dad bricked her up in a wall.
The poet comments, "Parents! Help the economy by balancing prophet and loss and try this in YOUR family!"
How Gorey-esque!
The Convivial Codfish writes 04/10/98
There once was a man name of Morse
Who was superior, of course.
All Oxford cops are,
But Morse, he's their star--
God's very own gift to their force.
You can only catch mad cow disease
From those Euro-cows, we swear! So please,
Your duty is to eat
American meat
And stay far away from those peas!
You can only catch mad cow disease
From for'n cows, we ranchers all agrees.
We'll sue you lot, too--yes, you!--
Unless you eat moo-cow stew
And fall on your knees before MickeyDee's.
Qualm writes 04/10/98
There once lived an old man named Jack
Old Jack had a fat son named Mack
Mack's son was young Dan
Dan's daughter was Anne
And Anne had a baby named Zach.
FCA writes 04/10/98
Oh, father! I have a confession!
"I've entered the oldest profession"
Replied the priest, (from La Jolla)
"My God - you're a lawyer -
Say ten Hail-Marys for your transgression"
Traqair writes 04/10/98
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
I suddenly started to panic,
When the lookout called Squeer,
Said, "There's no icebergs here!"
He should have been taking eye tonic!
Joebob writes 04/09/98
There once was a deer called Buck
In to the garden he snuck
He waited all night
'Til the time was right
Then jumped out and got hit by a truck!
The poet comments, "Eldon Missouri Rules!"
What are the Eldon Missouri Rules?
He would chug-a-lug whiskey by qts.,
This bibulous fellow named Schwts.
He would then drive his car
From tavern to bar,
And he's coo-coo, I've learned from repts.
At Jerusalem's Biblical Zoo
They've removed all bread products from view
Not just humankind droves
Must eat unleavened loaves
But the beasts observe Passover too!
The poet comments, "Absolutely true. At least, it's in this morning's newspaper ..."
Beelzebub writes 04/09/98
Well, Sumaq may bask in the love
Of those cupids and cretins above;
But I find, as a rule,
That the love of a fool
Means little when push comes to shove.
Wormdirt writes 04/08/98
Hushing students, Librarian Lear
Whispered, "Silence," and "Quiet, please, dear."
To keep them in line,
She had printed a sign
Warning them all that "SHHH HAPPENS" here.
The poet comments, "Cleaner is harder."
Zekow writes 04/07/98
There once was a man from Laredo
Who carried with him a potato
He said of his spud
As it fell in the mud
"Better you than the tomato!"
Sumaq writes 04/07/98
It seems to shore owners of late,
That Spring flooding is now their fate.
Is it too much wet snow?
Is it too high stream flow?
Or has Champlain just grown to be Great?
A lobster has reasons aplenty.
At least, he has fifteen or twenty.
He should jump from the pot
And run like a shot,
To avoid H2O caliente.
This year new IRS rules direct
Every Schedule D box must be checked
To discover at great length
That my capital gain strength
Of one dollar has zero effect!
Major Hewitt's no longer engaged:
Ex-fiancee Ferretti, enraged
Sold his love-letter stash
To a tabloid for cash
But it won't print Di's words -- scheme upstaged!
The poet comments, "Take 2"
FCA writes 04/07/98
If you don't want your computer to dive,
Start planning ahead to survive.
In eight thousand years hence
It won't make much sense
Of a four-digit date, only five !
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
The head barman started to panic.
He yelled once or twice
"We've run out of ice" -
Which, later, I thought was ironic.
Anonymous writes 04/06/98
I started to write a poem
Tried to sound like Ethan and Joel Coen
Then I fell out of bed
And I hit my head
And this is my sad little poem.
The poet comments, "Nothing in particular...."
I once met this little green man
Who dressed up and smelled like green eggs and ham
Then he fell to his knees
As he began to sneeze
Then he smelled like "SPAM"
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
When all of a sudden there was a great panic
They hit an iceberg
With Katharine Hepburn
And then down went Titanic.
The poet comments, "I like it a lot"
There once was a girl named Lizzy
Who awoke in a great tizzy
She got out of her bed
And fell on her head
And then she felt very dizzy.
Emma writes 04/06/98
You can only catch mad cow disease
If you eat well-cooked beef on your knees.
Genuflecting is bad,
And it makes you go mad.
So we ask you to keep standing, please.
Zekow writes 04/05/98
I once had a craving for tacos
Which I bought at a stand called Paco's
My stomach did churn
My heart it did burn
From now on I'd rather eat nachos!
Pam Steadman, a.k.a. "Lady Amuck", writes 04/05/98
There was an old gal from Cologne
Who was chilled right down into her bone
She sipped on coffeeeee
With a large chunk of brie
And now the poor soul lives on "the throne."
The poet comments, "I wrote this under the name of "Sandra Deitz""
There was a young lass from Tralee
Who was stung on her nose by a bee
Her prosbiscus did swell
And the Irish folk tell...
How it actually stretched sea-to sea!
The poet comments, "I wrote this last year in a silly state of mind.
I am a writer who has written many silly limericks and fun poetry called THE LIVES OF THE WITS
AND FAMOUS."
Monique, a French dame from Paree
Sat at a cafe eating brie
Along came Marcel...
Looking ever so swell
And now they are panting "Oui Oui!"
The poet comments, "I write under various names for different reasons."
Major Hewitt's no longer engaged
Ex-fiancee Ferretti's enraged
So Di's love-letter stash
She purloined, sold for cash
But "The Mirror" won't print -- she's upstaged!
Ystap writes 04/05/98
Easter's coming next week, do you care?
Are you planning to go to the Fair,
And eat all those homemade
Pies, cakes and marmalade
And find goodies from that old hare?
The poet comments, "Always wondered why rabbits bring chicken eggs!"
A St. Louis, Missouri casino
Hadn't gambled a barge would go bean-o!
Why'd the barge lose its tie?
'Cos the river's flood-high --
So the culprit is really El Nino!
"I'll burn this old house to the ground,
And then I will burn Chinatown.
When I get some more matches,
I'll terrify Natchez.
I gotta stop arson around."
FCA writes 04/04/98
A millenium date-buster called Lidgetts
Who'd tried all known 'hard' and 'soft' widgets
Said, "Not well does this bode -
There's no space in this code
For adding those two blasted digits !"
Easter bunnies are known to be rare
If the feast's held in March, and a hare
Has few spring days to mate ...
But this year Easter's late --
There'll be bunnies galore, everywhere!
Sumaq writes 04/03/98
Beelzebub's flaming is haughty,
But guess who is good to the naughty?
The Fool on the hill!
Who loves old 'Bub still,
(Though 'Bub's logic is rather knotty.)
FCA writes 04/03/98
I once met this girl from down under
When I committed a rather bad blunder.
Her question still stings -
"Dya know Alice Springs ?"
I replied, "Really - I hope you have shunned 'er"
While I was a White House resident
I dreamt I had sex with the President
I told every one
It was lots of fun
Till a Starr would shine on my sex event.
Beelzebub writes 04/02/98
A fool hanging nailed to a cross
Cried, "This proves that Jehovah's the boss;
Unto ye then I say
That each year on this day,
Guzzling eggs shall ye mourn for my loss."
The poet comments, "Logical argument, Christian style.
Happy Easter, all you egg-sucking lambkins. See you soon."
Haywire writes 04/02/98
The ladies in Cambridge are talking
'bout a physicist named Stephen Hawking:
"He says the hole munches
Whatever it touches,
So it's pointless to mend this black stocking."
Old Heisenberg crawled out of bed
And wearily scratched at his head:
Says he, "I'm not sure
If my cheerios are thure,
So I'll eat this potato instead."
Bmac writes 04/01/98
"The blood tests are back", said the doc.
"So, sit down to lessen the shock.
It's definitely cancer,
But treat it I can't sir.
It's too late. Just look at the clock!"
KJR writes 04/01/98
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
And disdaining the general panic
Molly Brown, the unsinkable
Ignored the unthinkable
And successfully crossed the Atlantic!
KJR writes 04/01/98
There once was a limerick author
Who found it too much of a bother
To write the first line
So he picked one of mine
And libeled a Catholic Father!
The poet comments, "This is a sequel to my earlier submission (thanks for the star)
using the "Oh, Father, I have a confession" line."
This millennium at IRS
Back taxes will be assessed.
On that great day
I'll be glad to pay.
My 1900 tax bill is less!
Isabel writes 04/01/98
There was an old lady from Lig,
Whose glasses were way far too big.
She dropped them in tea,
She dropped them on me,
So I threw them out in the sea.
FCA writes 04/01/98
I once met this girl from down under
Who asked for some money to fund 'er
Trip to see Sydney -
But, "Goodbye", she bid me
When I asked if he would refund 'er
Students, I have some news that's real cool:
Just today, they have cancelled all school!
So stay home, lie in bed ...
Did you do as I said? ...
April fool, April fool, April fool!
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