The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from October, 1998
Few and Far Between
Beelzebub writes 10/31/98
The hanging of Julius Ember
Is worthy indeed to remember:
He went to the gallows
The night of All Hallows',
But escaped on the third of November.
Through the heavens Discovery zooms
While escorted by witches on brooms
Who were sent in to chase
It from Halloween space
To protect secret spells, one assumes!
Observer writes 10/30/98
My Charlee's not only good-lookin',
She's mastered that great army cookin'.
She's beyond compare,
The men stop and stare,
Too bad guys, she's already tookin'!
Six Discovery crew weren't too keen
When they saw something round, glowing green ...
But 'twas just John Glenn's face
He was testing how space
Affects old folks around Halloween!
The poet comments, "(Been a while since I've rewritten one, hasn't it? ... But glowing is better than turning, and it occurred
to me, what could they crash into?)"
Beelzebub writes 10/30/98
With a bibulous Byronic leer,
He flung her downstairs on her ear,
And kept her confined
Till she went semi-blind
And her brain, it would seem, slipped a gear.
Observer writes 10/29/98
Late at night, the witch saw a vandal
Destroying her Halloween candle.
The act made her fume!
In pursuit on her broom,
Quite angry, she flew off the handle!
Mused the septuagenarian Glenn:
"Not the Congress, but space was my yen ...
And I hear no great cheer
For my Senate career
So I'm orbiting Earth once again!"
The poet comments, "Bon voyage, old chap"
Mathematics of Sciences, Queen
And Marie-Antoinette, Queen the Mean:
Both are viewed in the main
As a right royal pain
And arouse the same cry ... Guillotine!
The poet comments, "Boy, whoever suggested THAT first line?"
Observer writes 10/28/98
Hey, waiter, my soup's got a roach in!
My tater's it seems to be poachin'!
Though it ain't ate much,
It's actions are such,
To make me believe it's encroachin'!
The poet comments, "And the other roach sez, "Stand back, I'm on a roll!""
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Went straight for a hook that was baited ...
Now he'll circle no more
But if life he had o'er
He'd circle and be quite elated!
Mathematics of sciences, queen
And the black queen of chess, while unseen
Swapped their men for affairs ...
Which perplexes the heirs
'Cos a knight's where a count should have been!
The poet comments, "But if only URL were said like earl ..."
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea:
Science fiction from last century
In which author Jules Verne
Could so clearly discern
Submarines would one day come to be!
Observer writes 10/27/98
Hey, waiter, my soup's got a twig in!
Please go, without zaggin' and ziggin',
And fetch the branch manager,
It's to your advantage, sir,
Or your grave they may soon be a-diggin'!
Branch manager - hee hee hee!
Shell-Bell writes 10/27/98
If Shakespeare were writing today
He'd try and find another way
Of making us see
That really what we need
Is write out our own lives, not just believe what he says.
???
Micheal Page writes 10/27/98
"Frumm, Frumm, Frumm!" Said the magic mushroom
Ah, A purple star
No, it's a purpleish white room.
"Aucshie Aucshie, just tip, tip toeing in the swilly twane tar."
"Fugamufin!"
The poet comments, "Don't ask."
Ah yes, the anti-limerick.
A fist fight at Sonota Bay
Was avoided in quite a strange way
When two elderly men
Tried to argue and then
Plumb forgot what they wanted to say!
Beelzebub writes 10/27/98
A privileged client's attorney
Went on an incredible journey.
Far off, at the court,
The case wasn't fought,
And the client did not think it furney.
Mathematics: of sciences, queen
Cheated Physics, her king, something mean ...
So he had an affair
Through the Web now their heir
Is an URL, where a count should have been!
Observer writes 10/26/98
There is a half-wit named Dwight White,
Who forthrightly thinks he is quite bright,
And his half-brother, Britt,
Thinking himself a wit,
Has discovered that he is half right!
The poet comments, "Huh?"
Teen Angel writes 10/26/98
There was a bee-keeper named Sonny,`
Who made a big fortune in honey.
His golden desire,
Was just to retire,
Stay home, and count all of his money.
The poet comments, "Hi all! Just a quick one and I'm gone again. A special hell-o to you beelzebub!"
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!"
"No two, three, and fast multiplyin'!" ...
"Diner, Caesar's instead?
All the flies will be dead
Our salads contain malathion!"
Beelzebub writes 10/26/98
Shari Clevenger - listen, my dear:
Armageddon is ever so near,
And we're going to win,
So you might as well sin
And have fun with the devil right here!
The poet comments, "Edward who?"
There once was a man who made rain
And his rain caused terrible pain
He lived in the sky
And no one knew why
He scared away anyone sane!
Observer writes 10/25/98
A fat, sloppy, housewife named Fran,
Had no luck in inspiring her man.
She should learn the trick ,
Is a little more spic,
And maybe a little less span!
A leaf fell down from a tree
And landed right upon me
It got me to thinkin'
'bout Abraham Lincoln
And if this had ever happened to he.
ClaraBlue writes 10/24/98
There was a young teen from Chicago
Who emptied the town with her "You know?"
It invaded each sentence
And so for her penance
She had to take census in Juno.
Halloween
An alcoholic, paying his dues
Sat trembling, on a very short fuse.
His house was darkened --
No goblins harkened.
His worst nightmare...a night with no boo's.
Observer writes 10/24/98
A baseball player named McGee
Retired cos he just couldn't see.
He was told, "We'll hire
You as an umpire,
You'll make a great sports referee!"
Rocobe writes 10/23/98
There once was a builder named Dan,
Who exceeded the General Plan.
He built one more house
Than the statute allows,
And boy, did the ---- hit the fan.
Beelzebub writes 10/23/98
The concept of Father's castration
Would fill her with morbid elation,
And strange, nameless fears -
Till with fairly big shears,
She cut off the source of frustration.
The poet comments, "Romantic, too. Is there no end to My virtues?"
Observer writes 10/23/98
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!
I ordered meat? Well you're lyin',
I'm a vegetarian,
The poor thing is starin'
At me with those big eyes and cryin'."
Dieticians won't leave folks in peace
They berate them for being obese ...
But they'd be unemployed
If all fat were destroyed
So how smart is to wish for decrease?
The poet comments, "According to this morning's newspaper, however, their futures are largely secure"
The life that you live may one day
Bring strife and thus cause you to pray
For a new chance to prove
That you are ready to move
From the place where the devil's at play
The poet comments, "=)"
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/22/98
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!
That looks like a backstroke it's tryin".
Whoops! Oh disregard,
It's hit its head hard
On the side of the bowl and it's dyin'"
teenagerCW writes 10/22/98
Mrs. McWe's on a gossip-high
The phone bills pile up to the sky
When past her walking
Mr. McWe sees her talking
He's grateful he used MCI!
Beelzebub writes 10/22/98
No answer can hope to explain
This weird enigmatical drain.
Seen only by night,
It emits a strange light
And gurgles with dreadful disdain.
Beel's been reading Edward Gorey again...
That son of a gun, name of Trigger:
Than his skills his ambitions are bigger.
Let's pray that he got
His fill from one shot -
Any more might be fatal, I figger.
Said a rock fan at school, while depressed:
"Rock formations are what I know best
And the Stones are my band ...
So I don't understand
How I failed this geology test!"
Grace Carol writes 10/21/98
There once was a man named Paul
Who loved to play kickball
He skipped out on school
'Cause he thought sports were cool
Now he's old and does nothing at all!
The poet comments, "I hope you like my limerick. Even if you don't like it, I enjoyed writing it anyway!"
Observer writes 10/19/98
A young man of "consuming" renoun,
In a pie-eating contest near town,
Was injured quite badly,
When suddenly, sadly,
The old cow, without warning, sat down.
Cow pies? Ewww!
Said Momma to Charlee, "Your hair,
Could give little kids a big scare.
It's quite iridescent,
At night it's fluorescent,
And it's standing straight up in the air!"
As the century draws to its close
Y2K is upstaged by fresh woes:
Nineties folk are perplexed
Should the decade that's next
Be the Noughties, or simply the Ohs?
The poet comments, "Apparently, the New York Times has already editorialized in favor of the Ohs ... but what do they
know?"
Toast Point likes the "noighties", himself.
Pinochet, tyrant extraordinaire
Flown to London for medical care
Found concerned police guards
Had brought get-well-soon cards
And may need no return-trip air fare!
In a movie called Wizard of Oz
Tin Man's joints and emotions are froz
Till they oil every part,
He discovers his heart
And the witch who is wicked ... now was!
Trigger writes 10/18/98
There was an old man named Moe
Who was always stubbing his toe.
When one day he looked up and asked
"Is there one who I wronged in my past
Whose ghost wants to torment me so?"
The poet comments, "This is my "first" Limerick....can't you tell?
Thanks for the fun, interesting,
website! Shari"
You're welcome! Nice job, but shorten up lines 3 and 4...
Beelzebub writes 10/18/98
There once was a person so dead
He could not get the fact through his head,
And continued to roam
The rooms of his home
While he rotted to pulp in his bed.
The poet comments, "Heh! Heh! Heh!"
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/17/98
Dr. Laura has offered some ways
For young couples to resolve their frays.
We don't go to bed mad,
But now we haven't had
Any sleep for at least seven days!
There once was a lady named Gayle
Who would go to every sale
She'd walk down the mall
Just to get her all
And use her umbrella to impale!
Observer writes 10/16/98
My momma is cryin' the blues,
She don't like the women I choose.
My latest is Charlee,
She rides a big Harley
And has at least twenty tattoos!
Shell-Bell writes 10/15/98
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair
Is long and flowing
What's a woman to do
Should I simply chose to admire
Or apply some shear to it and take it from you?
Beelzebub writes 10/15/98
Deary me, what a grave situation -
All this foul fiendish multiplication!
But my rivals, I feel,
Are not really quite real,
But mere riders on my reputation.
The poet comments, "A tie? King Solomon's famed powers of judgement are
clearly not all they're cracked up to be."
If Shakespeare were writing today
Would Hamlet Polonius slay
Through the arras? The sneak
Might use bugging technique
To eavesdrop a furlong away!
A Nobel that proves shortage a hoax
Goes to Cambridge's Sen, who did coax
Economical laws
To yield famine's true cause
As not getting the food to the folks
Beelzebub writes 10/15/98
While swimming across the Zambezi
It's vital to take things real easy.
If your limbs get chewed off,
It's permitted to cough;
Any more, and the natives get queasy.
Observer writes 10/14/98
A crossword puzzle addict named Moss,
Had an adverse reaction to sauce.
It was spicy and hot,
He choked there on the spot,
Now he's buried six down, three across.
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/13/98
When our teenage sons leave the nest,
With dreams of their own special quest,
We're quite often precise,
When we offer advice,
But we know we can only suggest.
"The lessons of life can be tough,
The roads that you travel, quite rough,
Don't loan cash to a friend,
Don't pee into the wind,
Never trust a pit bull named Fluff!"
As the little brown creature was dyin'
Instead of fussin' or cryin'
Told the two new-found friends,
That the UNIVERSE is in,
The belt of a cat named ORION.
The poet comments, "This limerick is referring to the movie "MEN IN BLACK.""
An anonymous poet online
Decided, this time to sign
Cuz she tired of missin'
All of that recognition
"Anonymous" is now out of lines.
A girl named "2001"
Decided to have some fun
A contest she entered
She hopes she's the winner
Cuz then, she'll be just #1!
Despite the misrhyme in lines 3 and 4, Toast Point decided to give the gold star for (a)
the poet submitting several equally good versions (this is #3) and for coming out of the
poetical closet.
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
Is a book that I just can't read,
Cuz it's long and it's boring
Pretty soon, I'd be snoring,
It does not meet my literary needs
Observer writes 10/12/98
Slick Will says, "There's no end in sight,
Ken Starr's out to get me, for spite,
This mess won't go away,
Guess I'll call it a day,
I think 'chicken little' was right."
The poet comments, "Preview of coming attraction!"
Beelzebub writes 10/12/98
A lady the state of whose skin
Was a shame and a shock and a sin,
With horrified shrieks
Tried to plug up her leaks -
But her insides still wouldn't stay in.
The poet comments, "Sue me, I've got a sentimental streak."
King Solomon writes 10/11/98
Will the fiend and his foes take a break?
You get on my nerves, for heaven's sake!
If you must continue,
Then get a new venue,
Or you can all go jump in the lake!
The poet comments, "Just kidding of course! I look in every day to see the latest.
And in the perfect world I'll bet you
would all be great friends. I call it a tie!! "
What I've Learned In this world,I've Forgotten.
So, some education I've bought'en.
With my good intent
And money I've spent,
My readin' and writin's still rotten!
I looked up my family tree.
I was shocked as ever could be.
There's no variations
In my past relations;
All were lazy and dumb, just like me!
To see me's a really sad sight.
I have trouble in standing upright.
The cause of my trouble:
My back is bent double.
Doc says my suspenders' too tight!
To be really smart,I am not.
'Lottsa' brains,I really don't got.
Never went to a school;
That's why I'm a fool.
How to speak,I even forgot!
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/11/98
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea,
Is where all politicians should be.
Their facts are all wet,
There's been no truth yet,
Since George and the old cherry tree.
Saint writes 10/11/98
Some people find computers a terror
Whose exams they feel they'll pass never
Others find them a pleasure
To spend their time with whenever
For many they are a passion
And ofcourse the latest development in fashion
Some consider them a fear
While others treat them a degree mere
Their handling has to be gentle
But they require thinking thats highly mental.
Toast Point politely points the poet towards Hints on
Limerick Structure.
"Though Republicans hold the majority,"
Said the devil, "I'm hell's sole authority:
They can't vote not to burn ...
I insist it's their turn
As a Democrat, that's my priority!"
Observer writes 10/10/98
A lovely young Finn who went skiing,
And saw all her ski buddies fleeing,
Cos of something aglow,
Buried down in the snow,
Thought, "This might be an alien being."
The news media didn't know squat,
So experts were called to the spot.
The scientists now know,
That the "spooky green glow",
Was just petrified dinosaur snot.
Ray Hemphill writes 10/10/98
You're the wisest of wise in the land,
And on that idea you expand.
There's nothing you lack;
We won't pat your back,
For there we'll encounter your hand.
The poet comments, "This was written for Rush Limbaugh."
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/09/98
The crossing guard gave dirty looks,
While he yelled, "Good grief and gadzooks,"
As the speeding, dumb schmuck,
Struck the girl with his truck,
"You've scattered her pencils and books!"
Observer writes 10/08/98
A Pamela Lee looks real nice!
She's been in my dreams once or twice!
I never could marry,
Cos that's just too scary,
Don't want the whole pie, just a slice!
Grand Old Lucifer writes 10/08/98
Though Toast Point by impostors be spammed
By false devils I won't be outshammed
'Cos I started hellfire -
I was running this pyre
Long 'ere Satan and 'Bub were first damned!
Toast Point sighs, "Not another one..."
Beelzebub writes 10/08/98
Mathematics: of sciences, queen
Is unique among monarchs, we've seen;
For its use ain't in doubt -
It can help you work out
Just how many beans make a bean!
His Honour Lord Richard of Bast
On a holiday cruise breathed his last.
He succumbed to the creeps
When out of the deeps
Rose the daughters he'd drowned in years past.
Edward Gorey, is that you?
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/07/98
With all due respect, it's agreed,
The beaver's a curious breed.
The bactrian camel,
Is too, a quaint mammal,
I think you will surely concede!
Annette Funicello writes 10/07/98
The boys and the girls at my school
Are so unbelievably cruel
They untied my shoe
Fed me Elmer's glue
Laughed and then called me a fool.
I once tried to eat soap and rice
Covered with pickles and mice
It was such a mess
(Stained my new dress)
However, it tasted quite nice.
Jehovah writes 10/07/98
By whom is this vile website hosted?
Some fool of being SATAN has boasted!
As my mercy's so swell,
You'll all wind up in Hell
With your points being eternally toasted!
Toast Point reminds the high one not to shoot the messenger.
Beelzebub writes 10/07/98
Oh hell! Satan's backside! Oh blimey!
Oh, please place a vomit-bag by me!
Observer got down
And got its nose brown -
It's a sycophant, slushy and slimy!
The poet comments, "Your place in heaven is assured, Ob. We wouldn't take you down here."
Who do I think I am, Sire? Well, who
Do you think? I'm not Legion, nor Screw-
tape, nor yet Belial.
Just 'Bub, your old pal,
And a liar, of course - just like you!
Sam shares a classic 10/07/98
There once was a woman from Bright,
Who could travel faster than light
So she went out one day
In a relative way,
And came back the previous night.
Foreign nationals who find their luck hard
In the lotto to win a green card
May have better success
To forget INS
And sneak in past a night border guard!
Observer writes 10/06/98
There was a young lawyer named Burke,
Who acquired a curious quirk.
The drugs that he used,
Often left him confused,
And he'd wear his lawsuit to work!
My cousins, my brother and me
Were as close as close could be
When we were togethre
There was nothing better
It was a time to be young and free.
The poet comments, "I can write such wonderful lyrics and need to prove it to someone"
Here you can prove it (or not) to the world!
Beelzebub writes 10/06/98
A lovely young Finn who went skiing
Could not believe what she was seeing:
From under the snow
Came a spooky green glow
Which sent all her chalet-mates fleeing.
Satan writes 10/05/98
What is this Beelzebub biz?
He's using a name that's not his.
I'm the REAL devil,
And that's on the level,
Who in hell does he think that he is?
The poet comments, "He will be rewarded for his deceit, however, even tho no one was fooled. Ref:Merriam Webster
Collegiate Dictionary, 1998. Deviled, devilled, both correct."
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/05/98
I must have been plagued with a curse,
My headache could not have been worse,
Had many tests ran,
Including CAT scan,
On Sunday, got word from the nurse.
"We've got some bad news to report,
Brain surg'ry's your only resort,
Should be done right away,
But expect short delay,
On Mondays, Doc's always in court!"
Beelzebub writes 10/05/98
A republican devil maintains
That an obvious fact here pertains:
Her Majesty's crown
May bring her renown;
But she'll never get much for her brains.
Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer
Were a nun and a captain one summer ...
Till kids' song inspired love,
Nazi push came to shove
And they marched to the refugee's drummer!
The poet comments, "Well, what else happens in Sound of Music?"
Toast Point loves the first line so much he may steal it for the contest.
There was a young frog from Versailles
Who took pleasure in swimming with whales
When gasping for air
The whales didn't care
They laughed at him, flipping their tails!
The poet comments, ""So shoot me if it sucks, I just came up w/ it.""
Francis Bacon writes 10/03/98
If Shakespeare were writing today
He would likely have nothing to say;
For as everyone wots,
He stole all his plots,
And his dialogue's nought but cliche.
Beelzebub writes 10/03/98
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!
It is sinkin' and drownin' and dyin'!"
A thrown doughnut ring
Didn't save the poor thing,
But everyone thanked him for tryin'.
The poet comments, "Never did like soup."
Observer writes 10/03/98
New dictionary needed by Sage?
That notion is a total outrage!
The Sage is no slob,
He does a FINE job!
See the star at the right of the page!
The Sage is not above flattery.
Anonymous shares a classic 10/02/98
The Mom would have been far more wise
To leave it to Kitty to devise
A suitable pun-
Ishment for her son.
Amazing how claws can chastise!
The poet comments, "Response to Teen Angel's 9/01/98/ limerick."
There once was a fellow, Sir Grandiose,
Whose modesty was surely comatose.
He bragged of his wealth,
His home and his health--
Alas, he turned out to be otiose.
The poet comments, "But not odious. :-)"
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair
Is causing the natives to stare.
Allow me to clip -
I'll just take a snip -
And you'll be a new man, I swear!
If Shakespeare were writing today
Methinks he'd be openly gay.
But dating for the Bard
Might prove a bit hard--
He's passed his four hundredth birthday!
Toast Point comments, "And we all know how gay men treasure youth... sigh..."
If Shakespeare were writing today
He'd have some advice to convey:
"To be so serious
Can only weary us;
I know now the thing is to play."
Teen Angel's Dad writes 10/02/98
I'm not here to condemn nor endorse,
A devil, who shows little remorse.
But my angel teen,
Must now leave the scene,
And get back to its Zchooling , (of course)!
The poet comments, "It says "Thankz for the ztar!""
Beelzebub writes 10/02/98
A young man who rubbed at his eyes
Found they swelled to a hideous size.
He could see a lot more
Than he had done before;
But he wound up more expert than wise.
Her Majesty writes 10/01/98
The devil made a feeble attempt
At saying his spelling's exempt.
This black-hearted bloke
Is a bad, bloody joke!
The royal court holds him in contempt!
A curious mammal's the beaver:
Obsessive log hauler and heaver
It works so hard carving
It's constantly starving &151
An underfed overachiever!
The whole trouble with airlines is planes
With old wire that can't stand moisture grains
Which cause cabin smoke, fire
When they rot through the wire
Don't you wish they'd replace what remains?
Fetching water, young Jill hit young Jack
With the pail on his head at the back ...
But to Dame Dob they lied
"Jack fell down the hill side"
So she'd vinegar over the crack!
Beelzebub writes 10/01/98
A philosopher, finding a stone
Gave vent to a horrified groan;
For beneath it he found
Christians squirming around,
And crying out loudly, "Atone!"
Has nobody here been to school?
It is S and not Z that's the rule.
Gloating, Intimidator,
Must wait until later -
The Devil is English, you fool!
The poet comments, "And while we're on the subject, "DEVILLED" has two Ls, not one."
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