The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from November, 1998
Few and Far Between
We here at the Toast Point Limerick Contest are sorry to inform you that longtime contributor
Al Willis
passed away on Monday, November 16th. He was one of our most constant poets here and also
corresponded with us via snail mail. We will miss him!
A huomo from San Donatello
Ate a rare fungi from Portobello,
With a lucious bruchetta
It all tasted better
Washed down with red Valpolicello.
A jokester had only just started
His mule, when it broke loose and darted
Away out of sight ...
The rope wasn't tight —
A mule from his funny's soon parted!
A Methodist preacher called Leslie
Discovered a phrase in John Wesley —
"The rock of the church" ...
Now Sundays he'll lurch
In the pulpit to music of Presley!
Observer writes 11/28/98
There was a young boy named O'Toole,
Who seldom came home, as a rule.
He was not a bad lad,
But he made his dad mad,
When he only stopped by to refuel.
Once a Florida boater called Hockney
Saw a mermaid on River Ochlockonee ...
Though he didn't capsize
He's now blind in both eyes
From her looks, and has permanent knock-knee!
The Guardian and the Observer
Supply Britain's liberal fervor
The Telegraph, Times
Echo old Tory chimes
And the Sun is the day's pin-up server!
The poet comments, "Almost everything you need to know about Britain's newspapers"
There was once an explorer called Burke
Whose lamp died in the jungle's night murk
So he said to his band:
"Men, all raise your right hand" ...
And it shone — many hands make light work!
Island Singer writes 11/27/98
An amnesiac Roman named Bru
Moaned softly "I haven't a clue
Who on earth I can be -
I have no ID -
Cogito sum ergo, but who?"
Would it give you a sense of elation
To watch Bill perform hard flagellation?
Or a really great measure
Of absolute pleasure
If instead, it was self-immolation?
The poet comments, "A view from the White House steps?"
Me writes 11/26/98
I love writing poetry
It makes me feel very carefree
I love when it rhymes
Or brings up pastimes
I certainly hope you agree!
From Great Britain's august House of Lords
Comes a ruling on legal accords:
Happy Birthday to you
Dear Augusto, 3-2
We vote trial for massacring hordes!
Samuel writes 11/25/98
A young man wearing rollerblades
Started his ride without his shades
Skate stuck in a crack
Fell and went right back
See how quickly his memory fades.
Should old Charles or young Wills when he's grown
Be next king? Or should Britons disown
Royal lines? ... All is moot —
'Cos it's hard to dispute
That King Tony now sits on the throne!
Pediatrics: your role is a storky 'un
Psychiatrics: you deal with the corky 'un
Geriatrics: to rob
From the grave is your job
Euthanasics: your name is Kevorkian!
Prof, you set yourself quite a task there!
kBrews writes 11/25/98
Though a running game quite quirky,
Is making the future look murky,
They wobble like weebles,
As the Pack meets the Eagles,
And treats them like leftover turkey!
LarryM writes 11/25/98
Janet Reno has said no more
We're not checking into Gore
The reason you see
(Between you and me)
Is he's such an incredible bore!
The poet comments, "With a name like Gore, it's a limerick open door"
Judge Judy has a television show
Her justice is blow by blow
She sits on her bench -
What a fierce looking wench!
But she's just a big yenta, you know!
LoveLee writes 11/24/98
For those of you
Who are into,
Science and Mother Nature.
Keep in mind
You'll never find
A substitute for your Creator.
The poet comments, "It's a simple point--God made the universe not some Big-Bang theory!!!!
Hope you enjoyed it!!!
God Bless You!!!!!!!!!!!!1"
Sentiments aside, Miss Lovelee, it's not a limerick.
WebCat writes 11/23/98
An anonymous poet online
Had nothing to do but whine
So she wrote stilted prose,
About the world and its woes,
With nary a good ending line...
The poet comments, "Anyone know a good one?"
With America standing right by,
The Jews and the Arabs signed "Y"
And now we are waitin'
But the Jews ain't vacatin'
Hey Yassir, here's sand in your eye!
The poet comments, "I may not be terrific,
But I sure am prolific...!"
Observer writes 11/23/98
I was on a fabulous cruise
With beautiful women and booze,
Just an inch from a kiss,
With a cute little miss...
When my wife woke me up from a snooze.
The poet comments, "I can dream, can't I?"
Skayda writes 11/23/98
There once was a man from New York
Whose love was the size of his pork
Come rain or come shine
That piggy looked fine
On a plate with white gravy and wine.
Toast Point reminds the poet that the last line should rhyme with the first and second, not the third and fourth.
There once was a girl who was bound
To run all around town
Her boyfriend would say
"Darling, Please be still for a day...
And kiss me before I break down."
Yep, like that.
Observer writes 11/21/98
We're not here to answer the phone,
Please wait until you hear the tone,
You should know the game,
Leave number and name,
We'll call you as soon as we're home!
ooo, we like that!
Larry M writes 11/21/98
Kathryn Willey is the latest name
In our prexys' hall of dame
She says that he groped
He might even have poked
Could Feel Free Willy be the name of the game?
The poet comments, "A political limerick a day keeps depression away."
Webcat writes 11/21/98
His Plays would all be quite "gay"
The ladies were guys,the tights a small size,
So you could easily see their "surprize"
But the audience watched anyway,
Or maybe they weren't THAT wise!
The poet comments, "This is my first Limerick,so please be gentle..."
The Sage very gently points the poet to the Hints on
Limerick Structure.
Ken Starr, you're really a maven,
You should be seeking safe haven,
"Cause here come those bad cats,
All of them Democrats,
And their yowl is "Bill 'Ain't Misbehavin'"!
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 11/20/98
I got up at dawn with the sun,
Had lots of yard work to get done.
I rolled up my sleeves
And tackled the leaves,
I fought the lawn...and the lawn won!
In October, November no Al
Willis lines in the rhyme carnival ...
No more wondering why —
It is sadly, goodbye
Toast Point's longtime contributor pal.
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
On the Nautilus, prisoners three
Were Conseil and the prof
And Ned Land ... till hurled off
Nemo's sub in the maelstrom's debris!
The poet comments, "That's about the story line, isn't it?"
Mike writes 11/20/98
A statement beholden
is "Silence is Golden"
but if that is so
how do we know
if a voice it hadn't been told in
The poet comments, "I Love Lil' Kim!!!!
"
Observer writes 11/19/98
A boy scout whom prone to wild flings,
Gave Mom and Dad two fatal swings,
Then tried to shoot sister,
Apparently missed her,
Which led him to do knotty things!
While swimming across the Zambezi
Two crocs played a game of parcheesi
By moving cig butts
Round their teeth to their guts ...
But the winner felt terribly queasy!
TEEKAY writes 11/18/98
An anonymous poet online
Has become such a sweety of mine
She's witty and cool
And my mouth it would drool
If she'd type she'll be mine, only mine!
Fimion writes 11/18/98
Robin Hood
He shoots an arrow in the air
Where it lands, he doesn't care
It takes Little Johns hat,
And knocks him down flat
And he gets up and eats a pear.
Beelzebub writes 11/18/98
A Boy Scout, his parents detestin',
Killed both with two blows of his mess-tin;
And as they were rotting
He practiced his knotting
On big sister's lower intestine.
A feisty cute kiddo called Prideaux
Lured men to her board game Megiddo ...
But after each weddin'
Played real Armageddon —
At forty she's four times a widow!
Shady ladies whose music is big
Under-awed broads who don't give a fig
No-shame dames you adore ...
For this musical score
Hit the Rainbow Symphonic Winds' gig!
There once was a girlie named Monica,
Who always did celebrate Hannukah,
Of the gifts that she got,
None made her as hot,
As playing on Clinton's harmonica.
The poet comments, "Clean or Naughty? You decide.."
Observer writes 11/17/98
A hound-dog, while crossing the road,
Saw a plumber's truck crash and explode!
She ran for the ditch,
But the unlucky _____
Got hit by a flying commode!
The poet comments, "Overly-sensitive readers may fill in the blank however they wish. Hey, I'm trying to keep 'em
clean!"
Toaster writes 11/17/98
His voice so fluid but
Oh how is words did cut.
"My timing's so smooth;"
"I'm in my groove."
But I think he's in a rut.
The poet comments, "My first attempt at a limerick."
kBrews writes 11/17/98
On the Vikings the snow used to fall,
And through the muck they would crawl,
So I think it not nice,
They paved paradise,
And put up a shopping mall.
While swimming across the Zambezi
At dusk, Freckles did a strip teasie:
She removed her day spots
To reveal polka dots —
A leopard's night spots are so sleazy!
Tuscany writes 11/16/98
An anonymous poet online
Quickly turned to a life of crime
When trying his best
Not passing the test
Had to embezzle words that rhyme.
The whole trouble with airlines is planes
Like the cables cause trouble for cranes
Like husbands and wives
Things saving our lives
Are the things that cause us such pains.
A philosopher, finding a stone
While sitting in the woods all alone
Thinks about his life
All his pain and his strife
And he goes to a church to atone.
Observer writes 11/15/98
While swimmin' across the Zambezi,
The croc' bitin' comes mighty easy,
Fer us Texas boys
With our tricks and ploys...
But they taste jest a little too greasy!
Said Ventura's main rival in bulk:
Fans, believe me, I ain't one to sulk ...
But forget Minnesota —
Get out there and vote a
New president, Hogan the Hulk!
EEEEeeeeeek!
Observer writes 11/14/98
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair
Causes me great concern and despair.
It's long and has curls,
Looks much like a girl's,
And hangs down to your pink underwear!"
Thought a welder: This team's the elite
But their stadium's far from complete ...
If I kindle this crate
Then the fans need not wait
For a taste of Miami's own Heat!
Rued Bill Clinton: That Miss Such-and-such
Would have meant no sworn lies to retouch
If I'd settled my part
With Miss Jones at the start —
And it wouldn't have cost half as much!
Observer writes 11/13/98
My Charlee's now lookin' real fab!
The doctor got rid of the scab.
Sez Charlee's a sport,
Can report to court,
Just as soon as she's outa rehab!
Sitting on the sidlines like a putz
Farve and his team lost their butts
Steelers ran strong
The first half long
The Pack Playing like they got kicked in the...
The poet comments, "In (?)retaliation(?) from Kbrew's Nov. 4th entry.
Sorry, My two favorite teams are the Vikings, and anyone who Plays the Packers.
Responses welcome, I check email a few times a week"
Observer writes 11/12/98
I'm told I've become quite passe.
I've noticed my hair's turning gray.
It don't take a sage,
To know, at my age,
Any day above ground's a good day!
Observer writes 11/11/98
Two honest egotists from Duluth,
Often dueled in a manner uncouth,
But in each dispute,
No one could refute,
Twas I for an I, truth for a truth!
Cool Cat writes 11/11/98
While swimming across the Zambezi
Jo got slightly queasy
so had a big bonk
but he got so tonked
that now he's takin it easy
The poet comments, "do not laugh, i'm only 9"
Observer writes 11/10/98
A young writer of poems did surmise,
That reward for his talent was wise.
He asked for a pet,
Then started to fret,
When given a pullet surprise!
kBrews writes 11/10/98
Could it be truth not a fable,
That Hoffa is buried like cable?
I might be persuaded,
If Gilbert twice spaded,
And found an old union label.
The poet comments, "Gilbert Brown, "The Gravedigger", visits Giants Stadium Sunday.
More of this Green Bay Genre see http://www.galstar.com/~kbrews/"
A philosopher, finding a stone
Posed the question: How far was it thrown? ...
Though he couldn't decide
He deduced it implied
He existed — and wasn't alone!
Observer writes 11/09/98
There once was a half-wit named Grice,
Who thought that a psychic was nice,
Cos she was inclined,
In view of his mind,
To give him the reading, half price!
TUSCANY writes 11/08/98
A privileged client's attorney
Wheeled into court on a gurney.
Ironically bizarre
The one driving the car
Also had trouble passing the bar.
The poet comments, "GO EASY,,,,,IT'S A FIRST"
Toast Point will be gentle and merely reminds the poet that (a) typing your
entries in all capital letters means that Toast Point has to retype it and that makes him
cranky, and (b) the last line should rhyme with the first two, not the 3rd and 4th.
Can Jesse "the Body" Ventura
Now govern his terra obscura? ...
Opponents may find
He's but half Nelson's mind —
But a whole lot of wrestling bravura!
Toast Point thinks that the Professor has discovered a perfect first line.
What amphibian art thou, O Newt? ...
You devoured the old Speaker's repute —
Yet you act so surprised
To get cannibalized
When you fail to deliver the loot!
While swimming across the Zambezi
A poet found rhymes far from easy ...
Till a crocodile's grind
Snapped the shorts off his hind
And a rhyme came at once — it was breezy!
Observer writes 11/07/98
An unlucky gardener named Hines,
While working amidst his grapevines,
A mis-step did take,
Then tripped on his rake,
And suddenly fell on hard tines.
I hate you for making me love you.
I hate you so much that I cry.
With each tear that is shed,
Another drop's bled,
From a heart that's too broken to die.
I hate you for being romantic.
I hate you for saying you care.
Now I lie here awake,
from the jagged heartache,
My defenses gone, I am left bare.
I hate you because you caressed me.
I hate you for leaving again.
With each soft, loving touch,
You inspired so much,
Of my passionate craving for sin.
Yet this feeling goes beyond passion;
It's not truly hatred I feel.
Through the smile on your face,
And your loving embrace,
My defenses fell; I became real."
Toast Point is very impressed by this, but reminds the poet that the first line
of each verse should rhyme with lines 2 and 5. It's not often this poetical form
is used to express real emotion!
Eliza writes 11/06/98
I like to groove and get down
I never do look like a clown
I look really good
And I know I should
So I'm never wearin' a frown!
The poet comments, "I'm really not conceited, but I couldn't think of anything else!!!!"
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Observed how his tank's aerated ...
Now he's jammed in a pipe
Of the straight narrow type
And must wish he'd just figure-of-eighted!
Nettie writes 11/06/98
There once were four gals from the States
To tour Ireland they thought would be great.
Alas they did not get far -
Locked their keys in their car!
So drank Guinness in a pub with some mates!
The poet comments, "This actually happened to my sisters, mom and I when were in Ireland last summer... so while in
Limerick we composed this limerick!"
kBrews writes 11/05/98
My nerves begin to get tingly,
Between my right wrist and one fingly,
'Cuz too many times,
I've entered my lines,
Not all-at-once, but each singly.
Observer writes 11/05/98
My Charlee was drinkin' last night,
Got into a terrible fight.
I talked to the Doc,
Sez Charlee's in shock,
But he thinks that my Momma's alright!
kBrews writes 11/05/98
The whole trouble with airlines is planes
With cabins like gullets of cranes,
They cram us all in,
Then say with a grin,
"The mechanics are still racking their brains."
A new twist to the phrase, voting Bloc(k):
Near two fifths of the ballots in stock
L.A.'s sheriff did score
Even though, days before
He had answered the Grim Reaper's knock!
Mathematics — of Sciences, Queen —
Loathed to add or subtract as a teen ...
So she fell with both arms
For Technology's charms
And begat the computing machine!
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
Was Delilah's — oh boy, how she flipped:
"If the culprit I find
I will punish in kind!" ...
As you know, Samson's locks were all snipped
The poet comments, "Whose version you believe, mine or the OT's?"
Observer writes 11/04/98
A goldfish whom circling frustrated,
Was bloated and quite constipated.
A long skinny eel,
Asked, "What's the big deal?
Your belly is over-inflated!
kBrews writes 11/04/98
The ends with their sacking vocation,
Enclose the line in quotation,
From the snap they'll dash,
And meet at the Slash,
For it's all in their punctuation.
The poet comments, "My weekly Green Bay Packer Putrid Poetry. They play the Steelers this week, and
the Steelers' quarterback is nicknamed "Slash".
"
The fans of Barry and crew,
Bedecked in Honolu' Blue,
Must fret ev'ry match,
Now that life is a Batch,
From Detroit to Kalamazoo.
The poet comments, "Re: the Detroit Lions"
Into the doghouse he's shooed,
Whenever the ball comes unglued;
His spirit is vervy,
And path of'en swervy,
He's Green Bay's surfer dude.
The poet comments, "Re: Green Bay Packer running back Travis Jervey"
Sarah writes 11/04/98
The hawk's flying around,
In the sky there is no sound.
As I see his shadow overhead,
It is good that there is no blood that's red.
Around me because I am not dead.
The poet comments, "This is just a poem that I made up and it's about life."
After Tuesday's electoral push
GOP brothers George and Jeb Bush
Have four years to complete
On the governor's seat —
Or the gubernatorial tush!
Though the Dems gained a bit more authority
While Republicans kept their majority
The result most to note
About yesterday's vote
Is incumbents have more seniority!
Observer writes 11/03/98
A Mother gave birth to a crowd!
Quadruplets, of which she is proud!
Bottle and diaper,
Makes a Mom hyper,
Multiply that, four crying out loud!
Aurora writes 11/03/98
One day when Sarah was but four
A clown came knocking at her door
Ahe sat and cried
Till at last he died
Then he never came back no more.
Observer writes 11/02/98
Toast Point is the greatest web site
For sharing the lim'ricks you write,
And if you please the Sage,
You can display the page,
And gaze at the stars day or night!
Bluebird writes 11/3
Smokers
You smokers, take note, I have something to say:
If you want to get cancer, by me it's OK.
But here is my fight:
You don't have the right
To use the whole world as your private ash tray.
Doorways
To loll in a doorway is quite commonplace.
It's thoughtless and shows a distinct lack of grace.
Now here is my riddle:
Why stand in the middle,
When inside or outside, there's plenty of space?
Observer writes 11/01/98
Hey, waiter, my soup's got a hair in!
Don't mean to be cussin' and swearin',
But, I'm gettin' sick,
You need to come quick
And remove this surprise that you're sharin'!
November, November, November
A time to give thanks and remember ...
Unless you're the tom
That the meal's taken from —
Then, too early, you've reached your December!
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even more money off if you click the button - try it and see!