The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from December, 1998
Few and Far Between
Observer writes 12/31/98
Said Junior to Mother, "What's new?"
Said Mother to Junior, "Curfew.
It is quite impolite
To stay out past midnight,
You may bid the young lady adieu!"
Observer writes 12/30/98
I believe it is wise to conclude
That a cat or a dog can be shrewd.
If the doorbell should ring,
Just ignore the darn thing...
Cos you can't trust pets to watch your food!
Observer writes 12/29/98
While on a Carribean vacation
A man met a beautiful Haitian,
Then he put a gold band
On third finger, left hand,
And cut off her circulation!
Really Disgusted writes 12/28/98
In voices -- oh! -- hushed and intonious
With harshest decree sanctimonious
"Impeach him!" quoth Hyde;
"There's no doubt that he lied --
About sex! and we judge him felonious."
The poet comments, "to be continued..."
I have a puppy who likes to chew.
He especially likes things that are new.
He'll chew things all day,
Until they turn grey,
And we think he belongs in a zoo.
Observer writes 12/26/98
There was an old fellow named Doak
Who swallowed a frog, as a joke.
His wife gave his back
A thunderous whack
Cos she was afraid he would croak!
First honeymoon's great at Niagra,
Then if you don't die of pellagra
Or terrible wheezes,
Or noxious diseases
You'll some day be glad for Viagra.
Observer writes 12/25/98
There was a huge fat man named Lovett,
Who said, "Ith's thweets that I covet,
Ith's all thith candy I crave,
That will thend me to my grave,
And I'm juth thick and tired of it!"
Wendyc writes 12/24/98
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Found, at Christmas, his appetite sated
He said "A tank full of turkey -
(which made it all murky)
Was more than I had contemplated!"
The poet comments, "Hey. It's Christmas Eve. I forgot to feed the fish this morning..... that's what happens to you when
you have a guilty conscience....."
Observer writes 12/23/98
A bold counterfeiter named Hackett
Had phoney bills stuffed in his jacket.
At a sporting event,
He was heard to comment,
"I have my own bad mintin' racket!"
kBrews writes 12/22/98
Having gnawed the holiday carcass,
In front of the tube just park us;
Our rivals the Bruins,
Seem smoking as ruins,
Save for Allen at back -- not Marcus.
Observer writes 12/21/98
A cute little pumpkin, Michelle,
Whom, while under a midnight spell,
Unlike Cinderella,
Delighted her fella,
By turning into a motel!
Borderline naughty, but we'll let it go, 'cause we liked it!
Squeaky writes 12/21/98
Of Democratic resolve, we applaud,
But their perception of fact is quite flawed
They stick together like glue,
Disregarding what's true,
And their conclusions are defiantly flawed.
The poet comments, "....Is this how most of us really feel???"
When a surgeon takes a cancerous lump,
To call him a hero, we'll jump.
So, why is the opposite true,
In the Democrats' view,
Of impeaching that arrogant hump?
K R Swift writes 12/21/98
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
By some jerk with a shotgun once quipped
"If I get back my glide
I'll be ripping some hide
And giving some jerk's b*lls a ride!"
The poet comments, "I appologize for being a jerk last week mia copala and stuff. I'm glad your page is here, Thanks. p.s.
I'm also sorry I keep hitting return when I'm half way thru the limerick. K R Swift"
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 12/20/98
Lord knows I'm not one to kibitz
"Bout a poet(?) who calls himself Clitz,
But a limerick it's not,
And it ain't got no plot,
He misses much more than he hits!
Canadian Joe writes 12/20/98
Up north we wonder about all the fuss,
About Clinton and the infidelity bus,
The tabloid press feeding off of the strife,
We'd just tell 'em "Go get a life",
In the end it is better you than us!
Observer writes 12/19/98
The nurse quickly sought to induce
The elderly fellow named Bruce
To kindly refrain
From doing it again
When he sneezed after drinking prune juice!
A philosopher, finding a stone,
Said, "The history of this is unknown.
It might be from Mars,
Or one of the stars,
And no doubt caused that hole in the ozone!"
K R Swift writes 12/18/98
An impatient rhymer named Swift
Cried "I sent you a fine limerick gift!
But my need isn't sated
Cause you've not updated
And my ego is hung here to drift!"
The poet comments, "It's christmas, you're busy. I understand but I could't help myself"
Toast Point refrains from giving the poet a virtual whap on the head and agrees that, it is Christmas,
we are busy, and, of course, this is a hobby for us. You want definite quick updating, send us a check!
Observer writes 12/17/98
I married a girl named Marie
And also another named Dee.
The judge tells me I'm
Committing a crime,
"It's not big of you, it's bigamy!"
The poet comments, "Personal note to TP & Sage: I want to wish you both a very special and happy Christmas and best
wishes for the success of your upcoming concert. Also THANKS for providing this great site for limericks. Your hard work is
appreciated!"
Thank you! Back to you! And the concert was great, by the way!
K R Swift writes 12/17/98
I'm writing because I'm frustrated
My desire to rhyme can't be sated
Once I've E-mailed stuff in
I can't tell when it's been
Till you print the damn thing and it's dated!
Toast Point sighs.
JuMpIn' JaCk shares a classic 12/17/98
Buy those gifts, it's necessary,
Use charge cards, it's customary,
So worry later,
You hesitator,
Pay the bills in January!
Observer writes 12/16/98
The holiday season's a ball,
The shoppers are trekking the hall,
Even the grinches
Are sitting on benches
And watching the girls in the mall!
K R Swift writes 12/16/98
Rub a dub dub, my wife's in the tub
Where she soaks night and day wearing bubbles.
She's not really half fish.
She just worries, kapiche?
And she soaking away all her troubles.
The poet comments, "Is that squeaky clean or what? It's a favorite from my family limerick library."
Taurus writes 12/16/98
Geese give us pate
And bumps on a cold day
But they find it a schlep
To do the Goose Step
Oi vey
Clitz writes 12/15/98
The slime who ate the city
Ran up to my house
Asked me if I saw Vicky
I told him I saw a mouse
It was the end of the slime who ate the city,
Because of course you know that he was eaten by me!
The poet comments, "Sorry, but i had a sixth line! Can you widen it up?"
Toast Point takes a quick survey of those who set the rules and answers, sadly, No!
K R Swift writes 12/15/98
While swimming across the Zambezi
I met with a crocodile sleazy
That bad croc's smarmy grin
Soon was wearing quite thin
All those teeth made me feel most uneasy.
The poet comments, "Someone elses first lines are fun but they make true cleverness hard"
Observer writes 12/15/98
It most certainly seems very weird,
In those films in which Tarzan appeared,
Where hair normally grows
'round the chin and the nose,
The Lord of the Apes ne'er once had a beard!
Observer writes 12/14/98
When the snow is up to your knees
And your toenails are starting to freeze,
Call your liquor supplier,
Sit down by the fire
With a book, and eat crackers and cheese!
The poet comments, "And pause now and then and give your darlin' a squeeze! It beats going shopping."
A Hebrew team had a good chance,
'Til their pitcher's inept happenstance
Almost threw it away,
Triple play saved the day
From Pincus to Revis to Krantz.
Larrym writes 12/13/98
Holy cow, they've done it once more
Now its cattle they're cloning by the score!
If they try to do it with me
I'll beg them fervently
To please stay away from my spore!
The poet comments, "Been awhile...no professor MG to inspire me."
Observer writes 12/13/98
They all claimed to be kin of Pierre's
As they gathered to get what was theirs.
There was obvious chill
As the judge read the will...
A typical case of splitting heirs.
Moaned a girl named Terpsichore Twickle,
"I dance like I'm wielding a sickle,
Since I've got two left feet,
It's more blissful to eat
A hot dog with mustard and pickle!"
Fritz writes 12/12/98
There once was a man from Darjeeling
Who developed a spiderly feeling
When friends came to call
He'd crawl up the wall
And scuttle around on the ceiling.
Observer writes 12/11/98
Said a Siamese twin named Jake,
To the judge, "Aw, gimme a break,
My glasses were smudged,
I simply misjudged,
And shot my brother by mistake!"
Said a pretty model named Rose,
"I have a big problem to pose.
My house payment's due,
Don't know what I'll do,
Cos I have no money...foreclose!"
Jean Chapeau writes 12/11/98
This year when you hear, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
And mother's blood sugar's too low,
Might it be that yo mama
Lapsed into a coma
'Cause of old Santa Klaus Von Bulow?
Observer writes 12/10/98
With my spouse, I got into a fight!
We were yelling and screaming all night!
But then at sunrise,
We reached compromise,
When I got to decide she was right!
quiConnait writes 12/10/98
Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair
I find is too shaggy to bear!"
Samson said, "but my wig
Makes my muscles grow big"
As he pinched her on her derriere!
The poet comments, "not quite in keeping with the Biblical story, but typical for stereotypical well-muscled dudes..."
Observer writes 12/09/98
There was a teenager named Maggie
Whose britches were dirty and baggy,
Her attitude odd,
Tongue pierced with a rod,
And her hair was purple and shaggy.
The poet comments, "Could be almost anyone nowadays!"
There once was a dude named Moe
Who had a big crush on Flo
He went to the the doctor
Who said,"Just talk to 'er"
Now they're happily married in Greenlow.
The poet comments, "It was for a school thing."
There once was a pig named Polly
Who was usually very jolly
One day she got sick
'Cause she sat on a stick
And everyone said,"Oh, Golly!"
PattyP writes 12/09/98
There was a young man from Kentucky
Who considered himself to be lucky
So he traveled and bet
Bringing all his cash, yet...
He left all his luck in Kentucky.
The poet comments, "What do you think?"
There once was a man from Japan
Who lived in a frying pan
Until some old goof
Flipped him up to the roof
And he was diced in the ceiling fan
The poet comments, "I know. It's a little odd..."
May your rhymes all ring out like a bell,
And your meter be perfect as well,
So to all of us strivers,
Us keep-lims-alivers
A productive and Joyeux Noel.
Observer writes 12/08/98
My Momma's not feelin' too well,
Was pushed on the ice and she fell.
Now she's laid up in bed,
With a lump on her head,
While Charlee cools off in a cell.
Jen writes 12/08/98
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
A lucky diver found a golden key
He thought it was for
A treasure chest and more
But actually it was just for thee.
The poet comments, "I know this bites, don't remind me."
Observer writes 12/07/98
There was a new father named Gabey,
Who said, "I'm not sleeping much, maybe
Cos my wife walks the floor
From midnight until four
With my melancholicky baby."
With my dendrites fast slipping away
And my anapests in disarray,
My rhymes aren't so pure
This all tells me for sure
I ain't Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Marcus writes 12/07/98
A timid bricklayer named Walter
Would always whistle and falter
At women who'd pass by
And the occasional guy
Whose parts are surgically altered!
Observer writes 12/06/98
There was a blind psychic named Gail,
Who was quite proficient in Braille.
When she held a note,
That an embezzler wrote,
She said, "This is clearly black mail!"
A'ndrea writes 12/06/98
There once was a girl who liked pickles.
She fed them to her dog Tickles.
One day she ran out;
the dog had to shout,
"Go out, and buy me more pickles!"
Z*INTIMIDATOR writes 12/06/98
A Larry M poet wannabe,
Has challenged Professor M-G.
The Prof may ignore
This "limerick war",
He knows it's no contest, you see!
Tuscany writes 12/06/98
Nineteen shoplifting days to go
'Til Ol' Saint Nick's sleigh will show.
He'll see that I stole
And leave me some coal
My tears wil fall like christmas snow!
G. Olwagen writes 12/05/98
There was a young man from LA
Who never knew what he could SA
So just like ol' Bing
He would sing everything
By night but then also by DA.
An elderly fellow named Zack
Complained, "There is something I lack,
A firm guarantee
I'll reach two hundred three
With all of me fully intact!"
Emy Star shares a classic 12/04/98
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
Set out on a long trip
Knowing he couldn't fly.
He hopped along with his head high
Praying his feet wouldn't slip.
The poet comments, "Is this one better?"
Yes!
Observer writes 12/04/98
There was an old farmer called Fritz
Who loved to eat raw eggs and grits,
And then for dessert,
He'd swallow a Cert,
And wash it all down with a Schlitz.
Larry M writes 12/04/98
An ode to Professor MG:
You're wittier than I'll ever be,
Your limericks are sublime,
Your meter in rhyme,
But watch out, for I'll catch up with thee!
The poet comments, "Let the Limerick Wars begin!(ahaha)"
Well, the Prof is away til the end of the year, so you've got a clear field!
Tiptoe writes 12/04/98
There once was a GMC Jimmy,
The driver's name was Timmy,
One day he was in a wreck,
Timmy's dad said, "What the heck?"
The other driver was doing the shimmy.
The poet comments, "Do I get money for this?
"
Jen writes 12/04/98
There once was a boy named Dave,
Who could never, ever behave,
So his mom told him how,
She'd have him eaten by a cow,
And now poor Dave behaves.
The poet comments, "Do I get any money for this?!?!"
Goodbye to the old Scrabble font —
The factory in Fairfax, Vermont
That each day made huge piles
Of those hard maple tiles
Now has C-L-O-S-E-D on't!
The poet comments, "Few-tile to order now"
For the rest of this month I'm away
So I wish you a grand Yule soiree
With tumultuous cheer
And a Happy New Year
With a dozen good limericks each day!
The poet comments, "Could you stand it, though, really?"
Absolutely, unless the percentage of wheat to chaff stayed constant...
Observer writes 12/03/98
A lovely old gal named Estelle,
A proper and prim southern belle,
Created some doubt
When dentures came out
And into the punchbowl they fell.
Colleen writes 12/03/98
There once was a snail named Dale
Who climbed up the side of a pail
On reaching the top
He was crushed by a mop
A tragic end to the snail named Dale.
The poet comments, "This one kept me awake all night trying to work it out!"
Ben Hogan, John Alden, Tchaikovsky
Domingo, Chagall, Malinovsky
Paul Sartre, Shostakovich,
Descartes, Maury Povich
Stephanopolis, Barishnikovsky!
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Phoned the tower: "Enough have I waited
At once must I dock
'Cos behind's a ... er, croc ..."
Oh, he's lost — 'cos he first hesitated!
A punctilious parson called Pepys
Kept a diary in years that were leaps ...
Now parishioners read
He was perfect in deed —
But three fourths of his secrets are keeps!
A sweet-sounding woman of Thrace
Could find you, once lost, any place
To the blind she brought sight
She saved wretches alright
And her name — The Amazing Miss Grace!
Emy Star writes 12/02/98
An eagle whose wings had been clipped
Set out on a long trip.
Knowing he couldn't fly
He hopped alone with his head high
With every reason to cry.
Toast Point reminds the poet that the 5th line should rhym with the 1st and 2nd, not the 3rd and 4th.
LarryM writes 12/01/98
I have this trouble with rhyme
I inspire at a miserable time
I get it at night
By dawn's early light
Oh hell, I think I'll try mime.
The poet comments, "Going to bed now."
kBrews writes 12/01/98
From the Bucs a game to purloin,
Despite brok'n jaw and pulled groin;
Let this contest be won,
'Fore the sound of the gun,
And not left to a flip of a coin.
Mad submits a classic 12/01/98
There once was a girl from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not round and pink
As you probably think
But was grey, had long ears and ate grass.
My mind is over the hill
But my time is frozen still
I tried to defrost it
But too much it costed
I guess i'll just eat my life's swill.
The poet comments, "i like marshmallows"
A law-breaker captured in Skokie
Disappeared when released from the pokey,
His bod was found later
Devoured by a 'gator
In the wilds of the Okeefenokee
In a palace of glass stood Queen Joan's
Royal seat, all adorned with fine stones ...
Till a hurricane's zeal
Did a moral reveal —
In a glass house you shouldn't stow thrones!
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