The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from February, 1998
from Poets Who Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Interns Either!
Toast Point writes
My Wumpus is still a taste-treat!
His loving technique can't be beat!
On Valentine's Day
We'll frolic and play
And, if lucky, we'll...(I can't repeat)
Clinterngate fans are also invited to check out the new
Scandalous Limerixx book at www.limerix.com.
Toast Point cautions poets that rhyme scheme is VERY important (AABBA) and that the words should rhyme exactly as possible.
It's OK to tweak it a bit, but not very much...
Sam Pittman submits a request:
I am trying to locate a Robert Service parody with the lines 1. "When he
laid it on the bar they say it stretched from thar to thar" and 2. "There on
the floor with his ass hole tore lied Dangerous Dan McGrew"
I also would like to find a poem with the last line "Which explains the hump
on the camel and the sphinx's inscrutable smile."
Forward your answers to Toast Point
and we will post the answers for all to see.
Tudor shares a classic 02/28/98
There once was a young man from Kent
Whose dick was so long that it bent
So just to be nice,
He folded it twice
And instead of cumming, he went!
Arbuckle writes 02/28/98
How he cried when he lost the election..
For a month he had no erection
He then met a girl
And with a quick swirl
He was hard again to perfection!
The poet comments, "Its raining here."
There once was a man from Toledo
Who took pills to increase his libido
He needed sex more
So he hired a whore
But they ended up eating Tostitos!
The poet comments, "Nothing else rhymes with Toledo."
Mike M. writes 02/27/98
I don't understand this stink
Of Monica and the President's dink.
It's all very silly...
Like Milli-Vanilli,
All that she did was lip-sync!
The poet comments, "Or is that lip-SINK?"
Mike M. writes 02/27/98
I can give any girl
An unforgettable whirl.
It's not that I'm hung,
It's more that my tongue
Is 12 inches long when unfurled!
The poet comments, "This may be my last post for awhile. I'll miss you guys. Hope you miss me too."
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 02/25/98
A gay lost his boots in a game...
And his shirt, and his pants, but no shame -
Was it poker? No way!
That's no game for a gay.
He played "poke 'im". To lose was his aim!
I once met this three-breasted whore
With two assholes; vaginas galore....
In assembly-line fashion
She'd unleash your passion.
With her other mouth, she'd call for more!
The poet comments, "Forgot how much fun this can be!"
There was a sweet miss named Chubb
Who was blowing a lad at the club
He cried, "Whoa, enough
Don't swallow that stuff"
But all she could say was "glub glub"
Steve writes 02/25/98
Met a guy, cute but quite dumb,
I said, "wanna 69 some??"
He said, "I've no time
For a whole 69,
We could 68, and I'll owe you one!"
I thought it would be kinda fun
To put my dick in a hotdog bun
With mustard and chili,
But that burned my willy,
And blistered my poor girlfriend's tongue!
The poet comments, "Dinner's served."
FGO writes 02/24/98
On Saturday night, up on Mars,
Martinets are lined up in bars
"If you buy me a drink,
I'll turn your antenna pink
But stop me if you don't enjoy scars!"
Oral-B writes 02/24/98
A Dentist with teeth like a rock
Had constantly ache in his cock
His brain blew to pieces
While screwing his nieces
And after he hardly could fuck.
I met her in Athens (that's Greece).
She could talk and she never would cease.
It was talk all the time,
But the sex was sublime.
She's a nice conversational piece!
Sweet Monica, who blew off our leader
Thought his dick might be a repeater
She swallowed his mess
Or t'would sully her dress
That way it kept history neater!
What you see's what you get, I suppose
It's just like the Emperor's new clothes
Free verse is a crime
No meter, no rhyme
I can't tell the shit from bad prose!
The poet comments, "(c) Bob Moers 1998"
Possum writes 02/24/98
You may think my story is bunk,
But I knew a horny young punk
Who cut off his thing
And had it replaced
With a full grown elephant's trunk!!
This guy with an elephant's trunk,
He got more girls than most hunks.
But it wasn't all good;
Occasionally it would
Try hard to feed him his nuts!
Thing/replaced? I don't think so...
Blowcephus writes 02/24/98
A lonely young fellow named Jim
Couldn't get girls to have sex with him;
Although his dong
Was twelve inches long,
5/8 inch wide is too slim!
Although my dick isn't little,
It has quite a curve in the middle.
It's so hard to screw,
And jerk it off, too,
And I miss the bowl when I piddle!
These days Ronald Reagan's as vague,
Of world affairs as a softboiled egg.
Now the most fun he gets,
Is when one of Nancy's pets
Jumps up and humps on his leg!
The poet comments, "Hi guys."
Hey, John, whereya bin?
A wiseman who lived in a grotto,
Was asked if he lived by a motto.
He said, "Get hands in the britches,
Of all willing bitches.
But no fuck if fingers smell like Clamato!"
SAM PITTMAN shares a classic 02/23/98
There was an old whore from Detroit
Who at screwing was rather adroit
She could shrink her vagina
To a pinhole or fina'
Or spread it way out like a quoit!
Photuris shares a classic 02/22/98
There was a young man from the Ritz
Who planted an acre of tits
They came up in the fall
Pink nipples and all
And he leisurely chewed them to bits!
Laura Townson writes 02/22/98
There was a dog named Fifi
Who had to go for a wee wee
She saw an old man
Who owned a small can
And in it Fifi went pee pee!
Arbuckle writes 02/22/98
There once was a girl from Dover
Who told men to bang her bent over
They passed her around
'Til she'd fucked the whole town
And then she started all over!
Two hot girls from Butler writes 02/21/98
As I was walking down the road one day
I stopped at a whorehouse on the way
I told her all I had was a penny
She said , "That won't get you any!"
So by myself I had to play!
The poet comments, "We find writing meaningless offensive poetry a relief to the boredom of Butler!"
The mayor and cops were parading,
The horses and bands, captivating.
But some faces turned red
And folks nearly dropped dead,
When the horses began defecating.
The poet comments, "It's clean. A natural function."
Sorry, Al, poo-poo talk goes on the naughty page. Or in South Park.
I don't blame you if you want to shout
That you have a great big waterspout.
But keep it indoors,
Or in sophomores,
And, in public, don't let it hang out!
Jimbo writes 02/19/98
There once was a boy from Kentucky
Who bathed with a rubberized ducky
When asked why he did
He grinned like a kid
And said "Cause I may just get lucky!"
While having a drink at the bar
Ernie noticed Bert wearing a bra!
“Since when?” Ernie cried
To which Bert replied
“Since my wife fished it out of my car!”
This thing about Toast Point and Wumpus
Back here it is causing a rumpus
If it’s only one day
That they frolic and play
I think Toast Point will need a new compass!
The poet comments, "Or am I missing the point(s) altogether?"
Toast always points north, did you know that?
Jeeves writes 02/19/98
Hooray for that dude named Friar
Of women he's surely no liar
No logic or sense
Do their mouths dispense
The intelligence of men is much higher!
Toast Point reminds all womenfolk that he's not writing these things...
Loretta F. writes 02/19/98
I'd like a apply for a blow-job,
A position with a well-hung young jock,
A lost Male sorter,
An atheletic supporter,
Or a weiner-cleaner down at the cock shop!
I wish that I had a nickel
For every time someone gets tickled
At the really queer
Names they hear
Like Dick Butkus or Dick Trickle!
A hillbilly from Mississippi
Married a horny young hippie.
She loved to fuck,
So they did it so much
Their van floor was always slipp'ry!
Wildman writes 02/19/98
I talked to a eunuch online,
Said he was feelin' quite fine
Since his weiner was cut,
And he lost both his nuts.
Just the thought causes great pain to mine!!
A pervy young fellow named Claude
Often fell down and crawled
On hands and knees
In order to please
The kind of head that's always bald.
A stupid young fellow from Nome
Searched with a fine-toothed comb
All over the south
for the just the right house...
He wanted a Cunt-Tree home!
Karen29 writes 02/19/98
I wish I could see through the core
Of this very solid oak door
On the other side lies
A man with no ties
And my wife, whom I've found is a whore!
There was a young lady from Ft. Lee,
Whose figure was fetching, but Pt. Lee.
She said, "Try to heft
The breast on the left.
I'll toss you the other one Sht. Lee."
There was a young lady from Bucharest,
Got tossed into jail on a fluke arrest.
The judge said in court,
"You tart! It's a tort!
For that was the vice squad that you caressed."
The poet comments, "This limerick occurs in Chapter 16 of my novel "Any Other Season",
at www.hofstra.edu/~nucwfo/aos complete with illustrations."
Robbie Lohnes writes 2/19
A dyke named Dave, from Khartoum
Keeps a dead whore in her room.
Lightning shot out her ass
While on the Cape with her lass
Now the Nantucket man's in his tomb!
The poet comments, "The lesbian from Khartoum meets Dave from the cave during a bit of
Stormy Weather on Cape Cod that ultimately results in the untimely
demise of the man from Nantucket. Film at eleven."
FCA writes 02/17/98
A young biology teacher, Miss Teal
Fired questions at her pupils with zeal.
"Do girls have a willy? "
"No, a vulva", said Billy
"It's named after an automobile!"
Stargazer writes 02/18/98
Dick Morris says Hillary's shy,
But she often gives head to her guy.
So little Lewinsky,
While wiping her chinsky,
Says, "Where the b---- sucks, there suck I."
The poet comments, "The quote is Ariel, not Puck, which would have been much better for
rhyming purposes...."
FCA writes 02/18/98
Sounds if Wumpus isn't a slouch or a dunce
But the demurral from Toast Point affronts.
Says he, "can't repeat"
His final Valentine treat -
But we'll listen if told us just once !
The poet comments, "Nothing nicer than ice-cream to finish off a pleasant day !"
Toast Point comments, "Ah, but whispering it to my Wumpus was the 'just once'....".
They’ve discovered a hormone in beer
It’s estrogen from what I hear
After drinking a few
Men speak utter bull too,
And can’t drive well or think very clear!
Toast Point pulls up a chair to watch the Friar be pelted
with rotten tomatoes from the fair sex.
Stargazer writes 02/17/98
Mr. Clinton's a hardworking guy,
But he'd pause when Lewinsky came by,
Saying, "Please give me more of this
Sweet Oval Orifice --
Won't you eat lunch 'on the fly'?"
Possum writes 02/17/98
A gay lost his clothes in a bet,
In Vegas, playing roulette.
He had to walk nude
Into Siegfried's room,
And he ain't come out of there yet!
At a party, a girl said "I would
Play strip poker if I could.
But that would be hard...
We ain't got any cards."
So I stripped and I poked her real good.
Mike M. writes 02/17/98
Said Anne to her sweet lover, Ellen,
"I saw you looking at Helen.
I mean Helen Hunt...
If you want her cunt,
That's the last of mine you'll be smellin'!"
I ran my nuts through a wringer
To become a high tenor singer.
The New York Met
Hasn't called yet,
But tomorrow, I'm on Jerry Springer!
It's sad Magic Johnson is sick
From the virus he caught with his dick.
Don't think me unkind,
But he would be fine
If his johnson was magic, my friend!
The thing I most like about Friday
It’s the end of the week (my real high day)
But I yelled and turned green
This Unlucky Thirteen
‘Cause my willy got caught in my fly-way!
A goofy guy, name of Pierre
Filled his doll with way too much air.
It should be noted
That when she exploded,
It ended their sleazy affair.
It was sad, when she shuttered the blind.
If you ask me, I'd call this unkind.
But I quickly spied
The great divide
And a milky and zoftig behind.
This rhyme is not meant to be smutty,
And nor is it meant to be rutty.
A monk who was passive
Had balls that were massive.
The least you could say, "He was nutty."
The poet comments, "Why a monk? OK, try a seaman."
FGO writes 02/16/98
Needing help in the form of a greeter
Bill thought that the page looked much sweeter
So with finger on chin
Bill said with a grin
"Let's play 'swallow the leader'!"
At a dance, a gay lost his shoe
"Oh my Lance, what should I do?"
"It's right over there -
Bend over with flair
And I'll drive you to Kalamazoo!
Wildman writes 02/16/98
"How big's your dick?", she said.
"2 inches," answered Fred.
"A tiny schlong!!"
"Oh, no...you're wrong;
it has an eight inch head!"
I dated a woman named Venus.
It turned out she had a penis
Nuch bigger than mine!
My six and her nine
Gave us fifteen between us!
Those Japanese ladies are neat,
But our U.S. girls have 'em beat!
I could spend time on
That cute Michelle Kwan,
Or live on Picabo Street!
Are you kidding? Either of them would crush you in those muscular thighs...
FCA writes 02/16/98
Clinton's lawyers - R. Bennett & Company
Declare, "We'll immediately trump any
Charge that concerns
Having sex with interns
With proof that he never did hump any!"
The poet comments, "The abbreviated (ie. the English style) -
version of this was submitted last week but did not get the expected
Gold Star response! Perhaps this more literal style will do better ?"
Oh, all right...
He saved himself lots of mazumas
But was the subject of gossip and rumours.
You'll know him as Dave -
Who installed a whore in a cave -
But the service she gave was posthumous.
The poet comments, "Apologies to Toast Point for bringing this one up from the dead !"
Toast Point gives the poet a look that would freeze the Sahara.
Slick Willy, though feeling quite gingery,
Didn't disturb Miss Monica's lingerie.
But he made a big mess -
Not just on that dress -
Adding an intern to insult and injury!
I once met this girl called Monique
Who advised me on sexual technique -
Oral sex, she did say
Can make your whole day
But anal can make your whole week!
Moony writes 02/15/98
A lady who lived in Fort Worth
Lived on vomitted pig's afterbirth.
This raw-sewage eater
Would dine on excreta
Which she gobbled with ill-concealed mirth!
The poet comments, "Now go have a ham sandwich!"
Gina B. writes 02/14/98
There once was a boy named Bill
Whose penis just wouldn't keep still
He made a big mess
On Monica's dress
And all over Capitol Hill!
Bill Clinton was tempted to sin.
He claims he did not put it in.
But he put it, the cad,
Where nature forbade,
Just north of her chinny-chin-chin!
FCA writes 02/13/98
Clinton's lawyers - R. Bennett & Co.
Declare, "We'll immediately tro.
Charge that concerns
Having sex with interns
With proof that he never did ho."
They screwed on the elevator behind the closed door.
She begged him to quit when her pussy got sore
But she changed her mind
When they got all entwined
And he rode her all the way to the twenty-ninth floor!
The Sage frowns at the metrical problems...
Moony shares a classic 02/12/98
There was a young man named McDhu
Who lived on dog's bollocks and spew,
When he couldn't get that
He ate what he shat
And very fine shit he shat too!
On a trip, I was tempted to cheat,
But I knew I must be quite discreet.
I found "Kiss and Tell,"
A five-dollar motel;
As I licked, she said, "Bon appetit!"!
The poet comments, "I had an ice cream cone."
Jim Schaefer writes 02/11/98
Says Monica, that cute little tease
"On the job I sure try hard to please
But it pays little money
And my mouth tastes so funny
And besides that, it's ruining my knees!"
Said Monica, feeling quite chipper
As she undid the President's zipper
"Well, it seems pretty clear
That what we have here
Is a lot more than Al feeds to Tipper!"
The Prez says that he didn't do it
His attitude seems to be "Screw it!"
But he knows that the scandal
Is too hot to handle
And it sure looks like Monica blew it!
Said Paula as she knelt on the floor-o
While Bubba tried his best to score-o
"That scar on his dicky
It really looks tricky
I'll bet it's the mark made by Zorro!"
The poet comments, "All Monica, all Paula, all day"
Shagnasty writes 02/11/98
If you give my finger a pull
I will fill your nostrils full
Of cabbage and beans,
Strained through my jeans,
Sounding just like the roar of a bull!
FCA writes 02/11/98
We thought "didn't inhale" as quite hollow
But what chutzpah he's got now to follow.
His dissembling's overt
With, "I didn't insert" -
Another cock and Bill story to swallow!
Hee hee hee!
SMT shares a classic 02/10/98
Chad touched his eyebrows with his tongue
All the women thought he'd be fun!
Then Dave licked his nads
(No, not his own, but Chad's!)
Which made the women laugh and run.
The poet comments, "THIS LIMERICK WAS MY REPLY TO THESE LIMS A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN SENDING TO EACH OTHER. I CLAIM NONE, DAVE SEALANDER AND CHAD MAYFIELD SHOULD RECEIVE ALL THE CREDIT
Disposable condoms? Not me!
'Cause I never know what I need.
They're handy in the car
When you're driving real far
And you can't afford to stop and go pee!
I once met this three-breasted whore
She licked my cock quite sore
She tried charging me triple.
In her hair I did dribble -
Then I stiffed her and showed her the door!
Toast Point warns the poet not to submit his poems in ALL CAPS, because then TP has to
retype it and gets annoyed.
UB writes 02/10/98
A three hundred pound Lebanese,
Got lucky in Los Ang-el-ees,
This small indiscretion,
Caused a big yeast infection,
Now she's known as a "Whopper with Cheese".
A fellatrice with a very nice duff,
Said of oral sex, "I can't get enough,
We won't repeat names,
But she was one of those dames,
Who could suck the bumper hitch chrome off.
Ms. Suggs, a feminist fox,
Fell in love with a fellow named Cox,
After a whirlwind romance,
They were married in France,
And she forever became Ms. Suggs-Cox.
The poet comments, "Ode To Feminism"
A certain young nympho I know,
Did fourteen guys in the snow,
An NBC crew,
With Marv Albert too,
Covered it live - blow by blow by blow ...
The President of the U S of A,
In the path of temptation did stray,
The historic White House,
Hadn't seen such a louse,
Since the days of old JFK.
FCA writes 02/10/98
Labor-saving devices are fun.
Some say a wife can be one!
This is probably true -
As an attachment you screw
On the bed and the housework gets done!
Thousands of feminists are up in arms, FCA...
Anonymous writes 02/09/98
How he cried when he lost the election..
Claiming his life had lost its direction
It all started after
He swallowed some plaster
To firm a sagging erection.
The Clintons have spent all the dough...
On lawyers that always say no
To the judges that say
With whom did Bill play?
Flowers, Lewinsky or Jones.
A gay lost his boots in a game...
And from that point was never the same
Ran about acting manly
In front of his family
Who wondered what put out his flame!
On Saturday night, up on Mars..
The Martians all mate with their cars
After tailpipes are bent
They just lay there all spent
Pointing straight up at the stars!
The poet comments, "Reminds me of Dr Suess?"
Politicians, it seems, always knock...
The things that make us all rock
like sex and drugs and fights
and greed and long ass nights
The nature of the flock.
Disposable condoms? Not me!
Saran Wrap is my cup of tea!
I use it just once
In assholes or cunts
Then hang it to dry in a tree!
I once met this three-breasted whore
A novelty on the dance floor
Her atitude's cool
Cause you're allowed to fool
With the tit on her back if you're bored.
Possum writes 02/09/98
You may think me pervy and crude,
but I love pussy shaven and smooth.
'Cause I love to eat
Lots of pink meat,
And who wants hair in their food?!
A certain young woman named Monica
Says the Prez was really fond of her.
She'll forever be linked
With Bill Clinton's dink,
As much as menorahs with Hanukkah.
I dated a woman named Mabel
Whose chest was as flat as a table.
Her puss was too loose,
So I had to shoot
My load in her really deep navel.
Loretta F. writes 02/09/98
A horny young woman once put
Some firecrackers up in her puss!
She was planning on havin'
An explosive orgasm,
But she burned off most of her bush!!
A horny young woman named Kelly
Eats pecker like others eat deli.
She's often got
A mouth full of cock
And loads of cum in her belly.
Teresa writes 02/09/98
A horny young woman I know
Climbed to the top of a pole.
She stuck it in deep,
And rode it till she
Had watered the flowers below.
A horny young girl, Debbie King
Put carrots way up in her thing.
Then lettuce and cukes,
And tommy toes, too,
So her husband ate salad till spring!
Blowcephus writes 02/09/98
I'm married to a bitchy old cow,
Her mood is always quite foul.
If I had killed her dead
The day that we met,
I'd be out of jail by now!
The poet comments, "Inspired by a Waylon Jennings song."
A pervy young fellow named Morse
Is said to be hung like a horse.
But it won't erect,
That's why I suspect
He'd trade for a small one like yours!
Mike M. writes 02/09/98
I think it's a shame and a pity
To marry a girl with small titties.
But worse than that
Is a nasty old cat
Where there should be a tasty young kitty!
Accidentally, my friend, Neil
Took his wife's estrogen pills.
They shriveled his dick
and grew him some tits,
So he changed his name to Lucille!
There's a difference in things that I should
And things that I rather would...
I don't want to date
A gal with good taste,
But a gal who really tastes good!
While sucking my dick, my wife sneezed.
Believe it or not, I was pleased.
And she's quite elated,
'Cause my dick was inflated,
So now it hangs down to my knees!
The poet comments, "Wildman and I get a good idea and run it in the ground before you other pervies
get a chance with it."
Wildman writes 02/09/98
A pervy young fellow named Steve
Spent lotsa time on his knees.
One day he got sick
And blew up a dick...
While sucking, he suddenly sneezed!!
A pervy young fellow named Brock
Was quite addicted to cock.
He was last seen
Down by the beach
Between a hard place and a rock.
A pervy young fellow named Guy
Is cute, but sadly, he's blind.
While sucking a dick,
He sneezed real quick,
And blew out both of his eyes.
I've been on Jenny Jones
and America's Funny Videos.
I write songs and sing,
So I'm warning you, Jeeves,
Don't flame the poems of a pro!
The Sage coughs and points out that the poet's rhyming leaves much to be desired.
Writerman writes 02/09/98
Did our Bill have sex with Lewinsky?
The repubs sure would like to convince me
That Clinton spent Chanuka
Playing his whore-Monica --
A mouth organ fit for Nijinski!!!!
I may still be stuck in November -
I'm on Mars, not on Earth, just remember...
Our calendar, Darian
Twice as long as Greg(a)rian
Means we're just coming up for December!
Moony writes 02/07/98
Disposable condoms? Not me!
It's essential to let it fly free.
A rubber restriction
Reduces cunt friction
And that's quite important to me!
Crazy Legs writes 02/06/98
Most couples, long after they're wed,
Do it Doggie Style each night in bed.
The form's easy to peg:
The man sits up to beg,
While his wife, rolling over, plays dead!
CB writes 02/05/98
The Prez says this whole rap is bum,
(We know perjury's dumber than dumb)
But he's really quite tense
For his final defense
Is to testify: "I didn't come"!
She believed he would never mislead her.
As his intern, he then guaranteed her
She'd get (on his behalf)
Many "perks" from his "staff,"
On her knees, playing "swallow the leader".
The Possum writes 02/05/98
Disposable condoms? Not me!
I hang mine in a tree.
I like to display
All I use in a day
So all passersby can see!
I once met a three-breasted slut
Who had two cracks in her butt.
Tut the best part to me
Was the fact that she
Had TWO really tight cunts!
A hillbilly from Arkansas
Had two really huge balls.
He fed an intern
A dick that was curved
But they were just friends, that's all.
Guess who! writes 02/05/98
I dated a guy with no weiner,
His ex couldn't have been meaner...
She got custody of
His organs of love,
But his tongue made a fine pussy cleaner!
The Sage tweaked it a bit...
Loretta F. writes 02/05/98
A pervy young fellow named Enos
Liked to feed me his penis,
Til one day his wife
Whipped out a knife -
Now there's no hard feelings between us!
I'm dating a guy with two cocks,
(His balls more like boulders than rocks!),
Each time we're fuckin'
He sticks in both of 'em,
So imagine the size of my box!
I dated a guy with two peters,
He sure was a generous feeder!
He fed me more meat
Than most ever eat,
'Cause I'm a big weiner eater!
Sonny writes 02/05/98
A pervy young fellow named Nick
Had quite a magical trick:
He stuck in his tongue
And both of his thumbs
At the same time, he stuck in his dick!
A pervy young fellow named Decker
Had a hundred pound pecker!
One day it broke down
Two miles outa town,
So he had it towed in by a wrecker!
I've never been much of a shaver,
I don't like to bother with razors.
When pussy is savored,
I still taste it later...
My moustache is my flavor saver!!
Palinurus writes 02/04/98
A student of Shiatsu massage
Used to moonlight behind the garage -
She lay on her back
While stroking her crack
And took on an entire lodge!
Lauren writes 02/04/98
There once was a man named Dop
Who worshipped the comet Hale-Bopp.
He started a clan
And told them his plan
Thinking the comet would stop -
She said there was another stanza, but we never got it... (sniff)
There is a young lady named Monica
Who plays on the President's harmonica
It's long and hard work
But there is a nice perk
She gets the whole week off at Hanukah!
The poet comments, "I'm an experienced limerick artist and proud of it! Love your Website!"
Why, thank you!
Jeeves writes 02/01/98
Wildman must learn to rhyme
The shit he posts now is a crime
Here's some prudent advice
(Hey - I'm just being nice)
Put down the crack while there's time!
The poet comments, "Even a West "By God" Virginia hillbilly does better than this guy..."
Uh, oh, another limerick flame war. Wildman, it's your turn...
Moony writes 02/04/98
Disposable condoms? Not me!
The Navy use thick ones, you see.
When 'hiding the sausage'
Up some sailor's passage
You don't want to catch H.I.V!
Disposable condoms? Not me!
I'd rather be hung from a tree.
It removes all the passion
When 'dressed' in this fashion.
I now rest my case. QED.
Jeeves writes 02/03/98
A pervy young fellow from Crete
Had a very strong fetish for feet
The sucking of toes
Gave him orgasmic throes
Causing sperm to shoot forth from his meat!
An icthyologist I work with named Ed
Had a crusty old skank in his bed.
The smell of her ass
Made him think of sea bass
So he ate her with salad and bread!
The poet comments, "Poor Ed..first a cock of lead and now this..."
Ppalm shares a classic 02/03/98
There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who tho't babies were brought by the Lord.
But it wasn't the Almighty
Who sneaked up her nighty.
'Twas Roger the Lodger, by gawd.
Blowcephus writes 02/03/98
A pervy young fellow named Mike
Went on a long nature hike.
He perved him a bear,
A wolf and a hare,
Then two hikers;a queer and a dyke!
A pervy young fellow named Joe
Thought he'd get him a blow
From his wife's vacume cleaner,
But it sucked off his weiner...
So now he's the eunuch I know.
Said an aide to Bill Clinton one day
"The abortion bill came through today.
Tell me, what should I do?
Would you like to read through?"
Said Bill, "Go ahead... and just pay!"
There's a question designed to perplex
Would canines (say Rover or Rex)
After years of eschewing
Instinctively screwing
Be experts at human-style sex?
On Saturday night, up on Mars
Four Scotsmen were screwing in cars
Three lambs and a ewe
Pretty rhythmical too
With always three bleats to the baas!
Ah, a waltz! And we see the Friar is still stuck in November...
I find myself naked and wet.
I think I will for call for my pet.
Oh, doggie come here!
Hows about a beer?
Oh, doggie, calm down, please don't fret!
The poet comments, "I don't really do this, I just have a twisted creative sense of humor"
I once knew a girl named Dawn.
It turns out she had a shlong.
I did get butt-raped.
She got it on tape.
Then she sent it to my mom!
The poet comments, "Uhhh, instead of saying I didn't really do this after each limerick, I'll let ya know when one's true"
Like we'll believe it...
Moony writes 02/02/98
Disposable condoms? Not me!
In the Navy, they're issued for free!
An Army Draft Board
Sent my brother abroad.
I wish they would send one to me!
A young fellow I know called McGraw
Had wild sex with a girl on the floor
And the thrust of her bust
'Mid this lust in the dust
Left him eager and panting for more.
The poet comments, "Inspired by Shelley, but not a patch on the master I'm afraid."
Moony shares a classic 02/02/98
There was a young lady of Bude
Who stood in a queue in the nude
When a man at the front
Said to me "I smell cunt!"
Just like that! - right out loud! - Fucking Rude!!
Jeeves writes 02/02/98
A pervy young fellow (a Brit)
Had breath that was reeking of shit
His bad halitosis
Was due to psychosis
He liked to eat out the wrong slit!
The poet comments, "Perhaps this is more your flavor... "
Blowcephus writes 02/02/98
Republicans, it seems, always knock
Democrats using their cocks.
Those Greedy Old Puritans
Can't stand to hear of some
Action they can't stall or block!
Wildman writes 02/02/98
An intern for Bill at the White House
Evidently knew how to "go south."
That's all fine and good
If only she would
Now learn how to keep a closed mouth!
I really am tired of Ken Starr,
That idiot's gone way too far
To imply and suggest
That some fine oral sex
Is just for teens in a car!
Mike M. writes 02/02/98
I once met a tap-dancing plumber
Who had lotsa female customers.
He could romance
A girl with a dance,
And he had just the right tool to plumb her!
FCA writes 02/02/98
"Miss Lewinsky, let's revise", said Doc Routh -
There's his member and your cavity down south -
There's your mouth and this pill -
Repeat , if you will -
I PUT ONLY THE PILL IN MY MOUTH"!
Miss Lewinsky, when questioned, said, "I'm
Only guilty of deafness, not crime.
When he said, ' Just a minute
Please put a sock in it '
I thought he said 'cock' at the time!"
Moony shares a classic 02/02/98
There was a young lady called Rhoda
Who built an erotic pagoda
And the walls of the halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
The poet comments, "Shelley, I think. I've never found a more perfect example. M."
Moony writes 02/02/98
To clear up a point, Bill was glad
"To call her 'First Lady' is mad"
As he said to the throng
"You have got it all wrong
It just means she's the first one I had!"
Beelzebub writes 02/01/98
A monk both moronic and manic
Suffered flatulent fits in his panic.
He could not control
His posterior hole,
The emissions of which were volcanic!
The poet comments, "Well, at least I didn't say he talked through it..."
That Sally was sure lots of fun.
(To think that she once was a nun.)
She once was a saint,
But, trust me, she ain't,
And now she is on Air Force One!
This lonely young prude from Biarritz
Stays at home and despondently sits.
She wants but a friend
To help her unbend.
From the window, she shows off her tits.
The poet comments, "The AP will pick this up."
Moony writes 02/01/98
A randy young cowboy named Tex
Was an addict of doggie-syle sex.
After years of pursuing
This odd style of screwing
He wonders what it would be like with girls?
Oo, so clever and then the last rhyme...foiled again.
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by John K. Roberts
A cantankerous female, Inez;
Some claim that she is a lez.
Though big, gruff, and burly,
She's a very nice girlie,
Despite what her thigh tattoo says.
by John K. Roberts
Mable announced at Mahjongg:
My husband's dick is too long.
I don't mean to be crass...
Sex is a pain in the ass."
Old Gert cried, "You're doing it wrong!"
by John K. Roberts
Gladys, I'm sad to report,
Her debut at this time must abort.
She looks like Don King.
It's not her fault, poor thing.
Her vibrator developed a short!
by John K. Roberts
To unlock the mystery of "soul",
Monogamy should be our goal,
But if it is our fate
To have only one mate,
Why does every key fit every hole.
by Theo Heller
In judging stag parties, please note
The Iraqis won't get a big vote.
At the height of the din,
A large cake is wheeled in,
And out of the top jumps a goat.
by John K. Roberts
Peace once again is undone.
Bosnians talk with a gun.
It may seem far away,
But it should all dismay.
Don't forget, they began World War One.
by John K. Roberts
Less prayers, if I had my druthers.
"Don't kvetsh." said my wise old mother.
As a matter of fact,
The Gods and I have a pact,
We've agreed not to bother each other!
by Vasser W. Smith
Gynecologists asked her once more,
"Have you a had a check-up there before?"
"A Czech?" she said "No!
Just a Russian or so...
And Hungarians? Lord! By the score!"
by Irving Superior
Why "Love Unrequited"? Afraid
Of calling it lovers un-laid,
Or cocks never sheathed,
Or pussies uncleaved?
Next time, please, a spade call a spade.
by Bob Giandomenico
Consider the plight of the creep,
Whose love life would cause one to weep.
He got an erection,
Then died of rejection,
When both of his hands fell asleep.
by Bob Giandomenico
Said a virginal fellow, "Exquisite
's the pain in my groin. Oh why is it,
That in love, I can't win--
The last dame I was in
Was a Statue of Liberty visit."
by A. N. Wilkins
The boss in a grave exhortation
To the Bureau of Simplification
Of its government prose,
Resolved to propose
This motto: ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.
by Hyst
A well-hung young Oglala Sioux
Told girls he always withdrew.
Those who believed
Very often conceived.
'Twas too long to get out 'fore he blew.
by Frank Ward
An upbeat young druggist named Breen,
Carried condoms like you've never seen.
Broad stripes and clan plaids,
Bright stars and Ye Gads!
A paisley in three shades of green.
by Charles Crockford
There was a nude baker named Hyde,
With a shop by the water's high tide.
The sun was so strong
Before very long,
His buns were all burnt on one side.
by A. N. Wilkins
Although Hemingway talked a good line,
His biographers mostly opine
That with all his pride,
He'd have been satisfied
To be virile as friend Gertrude Stein.
by Don Moore
A cowboy from Texas named Rick
Round the fire never did care a lick,
For a bunch of tall tales;
Of girls, gunfights, and jails;
He just poked at the coals with his dick.
by Lucas Hulp
A well-endowed woman named Claire
Owns that orchard of fruit trees right there.
Now, I've seen the picked fruit
And you just can't dispute
That she really does have a nice pear.
by James M. Menger
He offered her pleasure sublime,
With twelve inches of penis divine.
She lay back on the table,
Said, "Let's see if you're able."
So he gave her three inches, four times.
by Don Moore
With old Elvis in Graceland, I am, sir,
Where his cars and his drugs by the dram were.
It was here he was married.
It was here he was buried--
But in the back yard like a hamster.
by Frank Ward
A straight-laced old spinster named Beecher
Became a biology teacher.
She taught lads and lasses,
Their heads from their asses,
And this was an important feature.
by Frank Ward
My Granddad of earlier days
Spent his life on a corn whiskey craze.
Thoughts of burial he hated,
So we had him cremated.
It took three days to put out the blaze.
by Theo Heller
"Hillary," said her Doc, "Who've you hugged?
You've got crabs." But Hillary shrugged,
And said, "I'll just tell Bill
I have what made Nixon ill.
It seems the Oval Office is bugged."
by Mark Levy
Marge bought a used dildo one day,
From Sister Annette, who was gay.
It had ninety notches,
And smelled of nun's crotches,
And would turn itself on when you'd pray.
from New Orleansite
A rabbi is now quite a hero.
He fiddled around just like Nero,
And jumped like a rabbit
Beneath a nun's habit.
And now she's a Mother Shapiro.
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