The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from March, 1998
from Poets Who Should Be Subpoenaed by Ken Starr!
Violet writes 03/31/98
The man with the world's largest penis
Took his bride to a Doctor McEnus
He said "Ye know 'bout me shlonger
Can't ye make me wife longer?
I want nothing should e'er come between us!"
The poet comments, "Do not attempt this limerick sans Irish accent!!"
The prez was inhaling a bong
And thinking "I just can't go wrong
My wife is pragmatic
And won't give me static
For showing our friends 'Captain Schlong'"
The poet comments, "I just want to say that America is a great country."
FCA writes 03/31/98
You can only catch mad cow disease
From doing naughty things on your knees.
That beef gives this tumor
Is just right-wing rumor -
Another one of those C O N S P I R A C I E S !
Luckydevil shares a classic 03/31/98
On the boobs of a hooker named Gayle
Was tattooed the price of her tail
While on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille!
The poet comments, "My Granpa Roe's favorite limerick to tell at parties"
"So how are the kiddies?" I said.
And then his face promptly turned red.
He described his pee
And his agony.
"I didn't say 'kidneys'" I said.
Crazy Legs writes 03/31/98
Bedroom golf, the way FCA taught it:
"Club goes in, balls stay out." -- OK, got it.
So last night in the sack
I gave it a whack,
And if par is my 'wad,' then I shot it!
Said Bill to the stewardess,"Quiet.
The john is where I'd like to try it.
With plane at full throttle
Just twiddle my twaddle
If Hillary wakes, I'll deny it!"
The poet comments, "We have been calling the wrong president "Tricky Dick.""
Mick submits 03/30/98
ANERICKS & LIMOGRAMS
There once were a couple of chums
Who were playing with long words and sums
When they looked into it further
Anagram of A McDonald's Burger,
Turned out to be "Real dog and crumbs!"
There was a young fellow called Gough
Who was hungry and started to scoff
But he puked up the dish
When told a ' "Fillet o' Fish'
Is an anagram of: 'Hell, it is off!"'
There was a young fellow called Hitchin
Who while eating wouldn't stop bitching.
He said "What the heck?
'Chef dick in turkey neck'
Anagrams to 'Kentucky Fried Chicken!'"
There was a young shaver called Hurst
Who thought that his penis was wurst
He announced to the nation
"Anagram of masturbation
Turns out to be: "A moan? It burst!"'
You know, it really isn't surprising
With absolutely no compromising,
The letters of the varsity
'Cambridge University'
Change to "A dumber city revising!"
You might be interested to hear
A short anagram that may cheer
'Evander Holyfield', fightin'
That naughty Mike Tyson
Becomes: "He'd find lovely ear!"
An anagram of Monica Seles?
Is exceptionally apt, it is
The club heard the grunt
Then decided to hunt
The source of loud "Camel noises"
He is the world's biggest moaner
In hand he is such a groaner
'cause 'Senator Bob Dole'
Doesn't fuck his wife's hole
But anagrams: "So beat old boner!"
When it's time for Bill Clinton to go
The nation will descend into woe
For Senator Bob Dole
When rearranged, at the poll:
He becomes: "Bob leader?…….Not-so!"
An anagram solver from Looe
Said: "It's too good to be true!
A Wendy Burger Re-arranged,
The snack that is famed
Becomes: 'Beware, Dry gnu!'"
Her mammaries are quite an exception
They attract glances from every direction
It is quite clear
"Ample and so near!"
Can be got from Pamela Anderson.
The Sage comments, "These are very clever. The whole bunch, a gold star."
Toast Point grumbles that, since the poet didn't fill out the form, he
had to format 'em all by hand (whine).
FCA writes 03/30/98
"What a fine pair of buttocks", said Ivor
At the nude vision of Lady Godiva.
But his sexual preference
Meant that his reference
Was to the vehicle and not to the driver!
The poet comments, "Nude horse-riding in Coventry - never did take off! "
Asked a survey of women - not men -
"Would you have sex with the Prez. in his den?"
Sixty-eight wouldn't say -
Thirty-one said, "I'm gay"
But six hundred said, "Never again!"
Annie Mae Hentai writes 03/29/98
Wanted: a new type of man
Not a plain old Tom, Jon, or Dan
With a skull not so thick
And a big honking dick
So he can please me like no other can!
The poet comments, "I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!"
Eeeeek!
TXnTed writes 03/29/98
Liz, tired of mountainous greenery,
Went looking for ocean-front scenery,
The beach that Liz viewed,
Was all male and nude,
She saw nothing but acres of wienery!
The poet comments, "All those dogs and only one puss?"
He said that he hated the queen.
He included the word "Vaseline."
The word was not "duck,"
And nor was it "pluck."
The word that he used was obscene.
The poet comments, "If you know what it is, you have street smarts."
The marching band from Westphalia
Dressed in their finest regalia
Aborted their march
Because of the starch
In their shorts, which chafed genitalia!
The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers"
You only get Mad Cow disease
From pissed-off cows overseas
They're killing our breed off
Those cows who are teed off
Ain't it offal ? No steak, if you please!
The poet comments, "Well, Oprah got away with it."
FCA writes 03/27/98
Bedroom golf can be fun without doubt
But the first rule you must know all about.
The game's main goal
Is to sink the club in the hole
Whilst ensuring the balls are kept out!
What's the difference 'twixt a liner oceanic
And Bill Clinton with his sex drive satanic ?
Both are big, both loud
Both are strong, both proud -
But they know the number who went down on Titanic!
I couldn't be any succincter.
I found that my best friend had linked 'er.
She was my paramour
But she's not any more,
And I kicked him right square in the sphincter!
The poet comments, "I just writ it today."
The Friar finishes "Low-Flying Goose" 03/26/98
There once was a low-flying goose
Who rear-ended a high-stepping moose
The moose was aghast
At this pain in the ass
But he grinned as he blasted it loose!
The poet comments, "Whats good for the moose, is good for ..."
A middle aged woman named Mabel
Had boobs went clear down to her navel
Then her ass moved lower
Her husband got slower
When he tries to screw, he ain't able!
The poet comments, "Since my birthday I have only had gravity on my mind."
Executive privilege won't fly
For Slick Willie, in a pigs eye!
Let's put Bill and Hillary
In stocks and a pillory.
"You can run, but you just can't Hyde!"
The poet comments, "Punny spelling. Huh?"
Fgo writes 03/25/98
I once met his little green man
Not quite half as tall as I am
It struck me as sick
As he picked up my dick
And said "Fill up this 5 gallon can".
The miniature horse was a'snortin'
Round standard-size mares and cavortin'
"Could you girls please
Get down on your knees
While logistics of this I'm assortin'?"
The poet comments, "Squirt, my miniature stud horse actually wrote this one."
Marsha Magee finishes "Low-Flying Goose" 03/25/98
There once was a low-flying goose
Who rear-ended a high-stepping moose
The moose was agast
At this pain in the ass
This ain't how you goose a caboose!
Or
'Til he looked - his balls had turned loose !
We like it!
FCA shares a classic 03/24/98
Miss Monica , that cute little raver
When asked which dance she did savor,
Said, "I used to be in clover
When I did the bossanova
But I was tripped up doing the boss a favor"!
Fritz shares a classic 03/24/98
There was a young woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin
She laid on her back,
And tickled her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.
No dead whores, Fritz!
Bill's building a bridge to the slammer.
As each female he tries to enamor.
With a TOP SECRET dick
And a mind that is sick .
James Carville's beginning to stammer!
I think I've detected a flaw
In Alexander Dumas.
He tried a beautician
And every position,
But never a menage a trois!
A eunuch from Mount Ararat -
The cheeks of his arse were so fat
When he wanted to fart
He held them apart
With the haft of an old cricket bat!
The poet comments, "It's really not mine. I stole it from Mudcat but I'll claim it."
Executive privilege, we discern
Keeps Starr from trying to learn
Just what the First Lady
Knows that is shady
About Paula, and a certain intern!.
The poet comments, "Rank hath its privilege?"
Fgo writes 03/23/98
- nope, wanna use my own -
Been doing it since I was grown
It really works great
Out late on a date
Sowing seeds or when it gets blown!
The poet comments, "Bet nobody tried that first line before"
Wrong...
Marquis writes 03/23/98
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
I found things were getting quite frantic
I was having a wank
When the fucking thing sank
When I came, it was in the Atlantic!
The poet comments, "Er..Sorry"
Ms. Willey says, "Bill seeks to ruin me --
Next thing you know, he'll be suin' me!
I was lookin' for work
When I wrote him. The jerk!
Was I better off with him wooin' me?"
The poet comments, "Inspired by today's news story: The White House says they released her letters to show she is "Wacko.""
You've all heard of Roswell, I know
Where all little Aliens go
They're there in small hangars
Massaging small whangers
They all look just like Ross Perot!
The poet comments, "I like Ross. He'd make a cute alien."
Dad said,"Marsha, say it's not so!
Writing poems about Billy Blow!
Just be a lady
Don't write poems shady!"
"Shit! Dad, I just go with the flow!"
The poet comments, "I'm 53 this month,and dad was 82.
He's still waiting for my Great American Novel. I told him this is good mental
stimulation while I think of a subject."
FCA writes 03/23/98
I once met this girl from down under
Whose family and friends had all shunned 'er.
It had something to do
With a male kangaroo
To whom she'd offered her treasure to plunder!
The Bard Of Wauconda writes 03/23/98
There once was a low flying goose
Who rear-ended a high stepping moose
The moose was aghast
At this pain in the ass
And the goose wasn't too happy either!
The poet comments, "of course i am well aware that the last line - last word does not ryhme but
the image is so graphic i'm sending it anyway.
simply could not come up with "proper" last line/word. thanks"
OK, readers - contest! Send me a new last line for this limerick that keeps the flavor of the original, but rhymes!
Said an intern to President Clinton
I'd love to work on your staff
But the prez looked pensive
Cuz lawyers are expensive
But shucks - anything for a good laugh!
Fgo writes 03/22/98
Last month I wrote "up on Mars"
And was rewarded with one of your stars
But at the end of my fun
I had to run
From my wife screaming "I'll show you scars!"
Bill's new obfuscation's a doozy!
So he left to go dance the Watusi.
If he's boiled in a pot
In some African spot-
We'll know Cannibals just ain't too choosy!
The poet comments, "I almost put this on squeaky clean page,but since nothing about Clinton is squeaky clean, I put it here."
"No sex Monday nights," said Doc Strauss.
"It won't inconvenience your spouse."
"But, Doc, check the chart;
I'll break someone's heart.
That's the night that I'm not at my house."
With executive privilege invoked,
Truth is more easily cloaked:
Bill's aides need not show
That they really _do_ know
Which lass was stroked, and which poked.
The poet comments, "Who would ever want to know dumb stuff like that?"
Frankgo writes 03/21/98
Nope, wanna use my own -
Been doing it since I was grown
There's nothing finea
Than a tight vagina
I wish I had one of my own!
There once was a lady named Charlotte
Whom many mistook for a harlot
Through her dress you'll see tit
And just a wee bit
Of pudenda, which she's painted scarlet!
The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers"
Bill advises "Don't seek to encumber
My record with the exact number
Of my indiscretions --
They're small imperfections;
The public would much rather slumber!"
The poet comments, "Why, indeed, bother to count!"
A handsome young homo named Kohl
Said Polish guys were his goal
He heightened his chances
For Polish romances
By wandering from Pole to Pole.
The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers"
Bill's lawyers, today, feeling doughty
Say, "Paula should not be so haughty!
She can't claim protection
Against his affection --
Before that, her life-style was naughty!
The poet comments, "This was inspired by the Washington Post story this morning; the New York times weighed in with a report of denial. Who can you believe nowadays?"
White Chief trouble breed like jack rabbit.
Fork tongue seem to be Clinton habit!
Forget beads and trinkets!
When Buffalo stink, it
Smell better than Wild Bill or Babbitt!
The poet comments, "Sorry, great great grandma Cooper."
Bill said to the Singapore whore
"Just where did you intern before?"
"It was in China
Where we use vaginas,
Now I clerk for the monks' friend Al Gore."
The poet comments, "I believe El Nino is responsible for this one. It's just not me,or wasn't me before all this damn water."
Wildman writes 03/19/98
You can only catch mad cow disease
While in Washington, D.C.
If you touch or kiss
Ol' Linda Tripp,
'Cause a sick, mad cow is she!
Said Bill to a certain Ms. Willey
"In the winter, my office is chilly.
But we could get hot
If you touch the right spot...
Just be quiet, or Hilly will kill me!"
NEWS FLASH! From the President's id.
I just didn't do what I did.
I swear on my life
'Twas old Billy Blythe!
HE does stuff- then HE remains hid.
The poet comments, "Ever read "Sybil??""
The Liars List astronomical
One dude with truth comical
I dare to surmise
Just where truth lies
Below the belt anatomical.
"Just go on groping girls," they all say
In polls that are reported today:
"We've looked at Dow-Jones,
And we know in our bones,
Everything that you do, Bill,'s OK."
The poet comments, "A discerning public weighs in."
Bill in his own whiskey has peed.
IRS user friendly, indeed!
Like a Mafia kiss!
Hear America hiss!
Bill must be inhaling that weed!
The poet comments, "To show what hogwash Bill is spouting, maybe all America's hog farmers will ship a crate of piglets to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."
A full-of-bull lawyer named Bennett
Took Slick Willie's case for to win it.
Bob's sibling touts morals
While he covers Bill's "orals"
Bad genes, or breech birth? I'm agin it!
The poet comments, "Maybe they are half siblings, and William got the better half."
In August, (or was it November?)
Ms. Willey, he couldn't remember!
But in _March_ he's quite sure
That his actions were pure.
"I did _not_ have her fondle my member!"
The poet comments, "We now see the merits of having a selective memory!"
The Friar writes 03/18/98
Into the closet, Bill slips
And with passion, his member, she grips
With climax anew
He says “Ooo ooo ooo ooooooo!”
Pretty much like a cow with no lips!
I married this wonderful filly
And since then I aint sunk my willy
But I have a surprise
Cause after she dies
I'll exhume her and @#$% her quite silly!
The poet comments, ""NOT Copyright (c) 1998 Bob Moers". Sorry Sam - couldn't resist!"
Her name, so she said, was Clarisse.
And her mound was like soft, golden fleece.
As she lay there in bed,
It was then that she said,
"Would you boys like to tear off a piece?"
"Big breaths," said the good Doctor Rung.
As his stethoscope tested her lung.
In all likelihood,
She misunderstood.
"Yeth, I've had them thince I was quite young."
The poet comments, "I just learned that a great limericist died two years ago.
Laurence Perrine."
Bill said,"I swear I'm mystified
Anyone would think I lied.
Besides, if I did it
I'd never admit it.
Oh shit! All the witnesses died!"
John Glenn, our great pilot ace
Much abashed over Zippergate
True blue and unblinking
Three stars for his thinking
He's blasting to outer space!
The poet comments, "One more example of what Democrats call "creative distancing>""
Jesse writes 03/16/98
'Pon hearing young Kiki's confession,
Father Boyle made a grave indiscretion.
His convictions were loose,
Regarding self-abuse,
For she practised the oldest profession.
Paula said, "There's really no use
In claiming that this is a ruse.
I'm not merely hintin',
I'm swearin' that Clinton
Wears pants with a zipper that's loose!"
The poet comments, "I wrote this one the day after her deposition was made, back in February.
I am also submitting a couple of others written more recently."
In the ol' Arkansas cabbage patch,
Horny Bill was hoping to catch
A cute southern doll
Who'd say with a drawl
"C'mon, lemme show ya mah snatch!"
The poet comments, "Just wrote this one in mid-March as the news about 'ol Bill caused me to reflect on Gennifer Flowers et. all. of yesteryear."
She seemed to be just a dumb filly
To the eyes of old silly Willy.
To her it seemed odd
That he'd grab her bod;
Kiss her, and grope Willey-nilly!
The poet comments, "Wrote this one this morning (16 March) on seeing that Sunday evening's "60 Minutes" interview was the top story of the day."
Jim Schaefer writes 03/16/98
Said Clinton to Kathleen Willey
"You sure are a fine lookin' filly!
Put your hand on my dick
And massage it real quick
And you'll see why they call me Slick Willie!
The poet comments, "Clinton provides great job security to the dirty joke and limerick industry."
Big Boy writes 03/16/98
While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs
waiting for his big dick to cum,
said "I'm quite a schlonger...
If two inches longer,
I could get myself off with my tongue!
I once met a girl from Pulaski,
Aaid "I'll do anything that you ask me...
I'll suck and fuck
Till you've had enough,
Do anything to me but pass me!"
Just two pints of Guinness, that's it
That gives the Irish their wit
Or a wee dram of whiskey
Makes their tongues frisky
Much more and they're all full of shit!
The poet comments, "(c) 1998 Bob Moers"
Robert shares a classic 03/15/98
On the sea sailed a pirate named Bates
Who once tried to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
It rendered him nutless
Now he's practically useless on dates!
Anon Y. Mous writes 03/15/98
I once met this girl from down under
Everyone thinks she's a wonder
For the size of her bust
Would make a man lust
And split his zipper asunder!
"Willey Whacks Willy's Willie"
As headlines would be silly.
If what Starr knows
Goes "Thar She Blows"
Willie won't be laughing, will he?
They're making poor Buddy an "it."
Let's jog our thinking a bit.
The one they should neuter
Is the one whose "tooter"
Keeps him in deep shit!
The poet comments, "I'm working on a book of naughties - Billimericks and Billemia.
Did you know that the fear of loggers is called Algoreaphobia?"
Said an intern to President Clinton
I gave you up for Lenten.
Mardi Gras is over-
And rolls in the clover.
Besides, you are twisted and benten!
The poet comments, "Search Olde English,it's there somewhere."
"Woof! Hillary!" said Buddy, First Dog.
"Did you get a prince,or a FROG?
If you'll keep me whole-
Grant me sexual parole-
I'll bite his off, next time we jog!"
The poet comments, "No comment . Buddy is probably in a lot of pain by now.."
Beelzebub writes 03/14/98
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
A dyspeptic nun caused a panic.
She could not control
Her posterior hole,
The emissions of which were volcanic!
The poet comments, "Typical Christian ... crap at both ends"
Toast Point reminds the hoards of pissed-off Christians that he just posts the damn things,
he doesn't write them.
There was a sweet girl named Dolores
Who had a nine inch clitoris
She embarrassed the boys
By besting their toys
And at night it glowed like phosPHORus!
The poet comments, "(c)1994 Bob Moers"
"You can only catch mad cow disease"
Thought the blonde (going down on her knees)
"So I won’t eat his beef
I’ll just jerk him relief
And then I will lick all the cheese!"
I think that I never shall see
A girl with an ass like Marie.
She did walk away
From a roll in the hay,
And that's how it goes, c'est la vie.
Al Willis shares a classic 03/12/98
The nudists had lain in the sun
Ever since the day's heat had begun.
Asked a headwaiter there,
"Do you like your rump rare,
Or would you prefer it well done?"
The poet comments, "By the great Laurence Perrine, Dallas, TX"
There was a grey wolf named Clinton
Quite good at unzipping and hintin'
Told a young gal to kiss it-
She tried to dismiss it-
Seems she'd never seen such a bent one!
The poet comments, "Sad,I wrote this in 1995.
I am psychic,but am afraid will be called in Jones v Clinton!"
When Billy first heard of the draft
He toked him a weed and laughed.
"I'll tell 'em I'm dead-
Or like mamma said
I'll escape in a Whitewater raft!"
The poet comments, "Twinkle, twinkle Mr. Starr"
There's a really strange bunch in D.C.
Think each utterance must be PC.
Yet they call it ART
To pee and to fart
For an art show in big galleries!
The poet comments, "Forgive me mom."
There was a young lady named Rodham
Got tired of being on bottom.
She said,"I'll be danged !
Let Bill be hanged!
I'm going to be Mistress of Sodom!"
There was a young pervert from Hope
Who didn't inhale his dope.
He said I forgot
Last time I smoked pot
Hillary and I eloped!
Bill came from the land of cotton
Where old times are not forgotten-
Told the Pentagon,well,
Don't ask, and don't tell
On the fairies and dykes,if you got 'em!
The poet comments, "It's got to be a right wing conspiracy."
Possum writes 03/12/98
A hillbilly way down in Texas
Was seen out driving a Lexus.
Said "I got it last night
From a cowboy who likes
The way my hard body flexes!"
A hillbilly from Carolina
Married a cute girl from China.
She likes to screw
The way dogs do,
So he spends lotsa time behind her!
Teresa writes 03/12/98
I once met this girl from down under
Whose thighs rattled like thunder!
Her butt was so big
It looked like two pigs
In a Viking's big bag of plunder!
You can only catch mad cow disease
If you get down on your knees
And try to make butter
By sucking her udder
Till milk's past your eyes, you see.
I once met a little green man
He said he was Green Day fan.
The size of a pint,
But I saw a Green Giant
When he unzipped his little green pants!
Marvin writes 03/12/98
I once met a little green man
With his little green dick in his hand.
He pulled on his meat
Till it grew to 3 feet,
And I was sure jealous of that!
Said an intern to President Clinton
(who was only subtlely hintin'),
"You used no protection,
No, it's not an infection...
But some baby boots I'll be knittin'!"
"Dear Father, I have a confession...
I'll start with my favorite impressions
Of Barbra and Cher
And Garland so fair,"
Said Joe at his therapy session!
A nun for the first time was kissed
And the passion she couldn’t resist
As her lips opened wider
And his tongue deep inside ‘er
Screamed “O Gosh, that’s my ‘G’ spot you’ve missed!"
Shagnasty writes 03/12/98
Bill felt like a little out 'n insky
So he called in Miss Monica Lewinsky
He left a little drip
Just below her lower lip
Right on her chinny chin chinsky!
Ol' Bill wanted to give Monica a try
Then he hastily unzipped his fly.
He whitewashed her tonsil
And then gave her his council
Saying "It's okay to tell a little white lie."
Lars writes 03/11/98
This Toast Point website is grand!
Why it's popular I can understand.
Although triple X..
Gets more hits, I guess.
It's hard to surf with just one hand!
The poet comments, "I thought I'd write about this website for my first submission.
"
Self-referential is always fun!
Loretta F. writes 03/11/98
Enjoying a trip on "Titanic"
With Kate Winslet, Leo said "Dammit,
I thought she meant me
When Katey said, 'Lee...
That thing is huge, and we'll slam it!'"
Steve writes 03/11/98
I once met this girl from down under
Who made a terrible blunder...
Her vibrator shorted,
Shot fire, smoked and snorted,
And her very first orgasm stunned her!
While sitting there, twiddling his thumbs
Waiting for his woman to come,
His dick wouldn't do it,
So he fin'ly said "screw it!",
And he got her off with his tongue!
Oh, father! I have a confession!
Hope it doesn't cause you depression.
I applied as intern
For the Prez, and I've learned
My lips made quite an impression!
Blowcephus writes 03/11/98
While having sex on Titanic,
Wy woman started to panic.
When she saw the berg,
I thought she meant my worm
When she said, "My God, it's gigantic!"
I once met his little green man -
His dick had a big, purple glans.
He had blue balls,
And when he jacked off,
He got orange cum on his hands!
You can only catch mad cow disease
By eating contaminated meat,
Or if you try to screw
Ol' Bessie Sue
When she's not in the mooooood (in heat)!
I’ve a theory I think is irrefutable
Although you may think it’s disputable
If the Sphinx were a mammal
He would jump on the camel
Then his smile would be wide - not inscrutable!
The Sphinx is not one to forget
And the reason he smiles, I will bet
He still knows to this day
In a wry kind of way
Only ONE hump the camel did get!
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 03/10/98
Said an intern to President Clinton
"Oomph blobin de glabesh mif flinton."
"That's all cock and bull.
Your mouth is too full
To make sense," said the Prez. "Shlockar jhinton!"
The poet comments, "Figure that one out!"
I once met this girl from down under
The President's desk. You might wonder
Would scandal have blown up
If Clinton would own up?
Ken Starr would have nothing to plunder!
FCA writes 03/10/98
Says an announcement on Clinton's behalf -
"His popularity's gone right off the graph.
There's no sign of it dimmin'
Especially from women
Who would like to be put on his staff!"
There once was a whore named McGuinn
Who often drank too much gin
Which explains her soiled dresses
Her disheveled tresses
And the cum dripping off of her chin!
The poet comments, "Someone was challenged to out gross someone named Ron. It can be done.
(c) Bob Moers"
She smiled and she felt a lot gladder
When the boys did their best to unclad 'er.
Now she loved to revel
And act like the devil,
And, what is more, she was badder!
Possum writes 03/09/98
A pervy young fellow named Peter
claimed to be the best pussy eater.
Said, "I'll lick a puss
with a long, hairy bush,
But snackin' on a shaved one is neater."
Wildman writes 03/09/98
My sanity may be debatable,
And some may think me undatable,
It could be I'm crazy,
And a little bit lazy,
But I prefer my women inflatable!
An inflatable woman is great,
No worry of babies or AIDS,
If you get too elated,
And she gets deflated,
You can patch things up with duct tape!
I asked this gay fellow, James
If inflatable men was his game.
He said that they'll do
When he just wants to screw,
But fake dicks don't taste the same!
You’ve been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
Your wife knows how oft you did please ‘er -
That cute little whore
In down town Singapore
You should have used cash, not your VISA!
Politicians, it seems, always knock...
Like men do when hard as a rock
As Confucius would say
If you pass door side-way
You’re most guaranteed to Bangkok!
I once met this three-breasted whore
Who had one that drooped down to floor
It was the one in the middle
Used to dry up her piddle
And save her on Kleenex galore!
Disposable condoms? Not me!
I find them restrictive, you see...
When I’ve just had a screw
And then dash for the loo
I’m still hard and they fill up with pee!
Grammar Moses writes 03/08/98
A young lass was eagerly steering
Her beau, by the chin, through a clearing.
"Though a beard in the hand
Is a pleasure quite grand,
It's the beard in the bush that's endearing!"
The poet comments, "I sent this to Playboy years ago, but they never used it - guess they
don't care for the more classy limerick.
Personal copyright 1977."
Kevin shares a classic 03/08/98
There once was a lady from Spain
Whose face was excedingly plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made all the guys fuck her
Again and again and again!
The poet comments, "This limrick was passed onto me by my great grandfather..."
Frankgo shares a classic 03/08/98
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove a bright new red Austin.
He'd room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls dragged so he lost'em.
Karina writes 03/07/98
I once met this three-breasted whore
Who constantly ate petit-four
All the while, between bites
Explained seduction rites
Expounding on sexual lore:
"Disposable condom? Pas me!"
With exquisite accent said she,
"Parce'que condom - it cloak
Votre tool de la poke,
One MUST voyez le pedigree!"
DButt writes 03/07/98
On Saturday night, up on Mars..
All the Martians were hitting the bars
With 30 foot shlongs
Nothing could go wrong
Cause they all like to screw from afar!
I once met this three-breasted whore
As she watched me from outside the door,
When I asked her why
She said with a cry
I've heard that your balls number four!
Disposable condoms? Not me!
I just plant them beneath an old tree
If you plant them with rocks
Then the tree will grow cocks!
Then just watch them when they all go pee!
A hillbilly from West Virginia
Said he rather splash on ya than in ya!
With his jism acidic
Claimed one angry critic
It felt like his liquid would skin ya!
Rhubarb shares classics to answer ALL of Sam Pittman's questions...
The Camel
The sexual live of the camel
Is not quite what everyone thinks.
One night in a moment of passion,
He tried to deflower the Sphinx.
Now the Sphinx's posterior regions
Are clogged with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
Lady Lil (Rhubarb tells us he searched for this for over 30 years!)
Lil was the best our camp produced;
And of all the gents that Lillian goosed,
None had no such goosin', nor never will,
Since the Lord raked in poor Lady Lil.
We had a bet in our town,
Thar warn't no geezer that could brown
Lil to a finish, any style--
And no bloke ever made the trial.
'Cept Short Pete, the halfbreed galoot,
Who wandered in from Scruggins' Chute.
His takin' it surprised us all,
For Pete he warn't so big nor tall,
But when he yanked his tool out thar,
And laid it out across the bar,
We 'lowed our Lil had met her fate,
But thar warn't no backin' out that late.
And so we 'ranged to have the mill
Behind the whorehouse on the hill,
Where all the boys could get a seat,
And watch that halfbreed brown his meat.
Lil's start was like the gentle breeze
That swayed the noddin' cypress trees,
But when het up, she screwed for keeps
And laid her victims out in heaps.
She tried her twists and double biffs,
And all such m'neuvres known to quiffs.
But Pete war thar with every tack,
And kept a-letting out more jack.
It made us cocksmen fairly sick
To see that half-breed shove his prick.
She gave Short Pete a lively mill,
And wore the grass half off the hill.
'Til finally, she missed her shot,
And Short Pete had her on the pot,
But she died game, just let me tell,
And had her boots on when whe fell.
So what the hell! Bill! What the hell!
(Eugene Field)
Cornholed Dan McGrew
A bunch of the boys were whooping it up,
In one of the Yukon halls,
And the man who was cranking the music box,
Was warily scratching his balls.
The Faro Kid had his hand on the teats
Of the lady known as Lou,
And there on the floor, on top of a whore,
Lay Dangerous Dan McGrew.
And out of the night that was black as a bitch,
And into the din and the smoke,
Strode a rusty old prick with a crick in his dick,
And a rusty old load in his poke.
His pants were all slit and covered with shit,
That looked like the white of an egg.
His balls hung low and swung to and fro,
Every time he moved his leg.
His face was as red as a baboon's ass,
And the passioned within it burned.
He pulled out his cock and displayed it about,
And everyone's asshole squirmed.
As he shouldered his way through the fleabitten crowd,
He clutched the crotch of his pants.
He looked like a man with a dose of the clap,
And the last stage of St. Vitus dance.
The lights went out, I dropped to the floor,
As the stranger sprang in the dark.
With sighs and moans and farts and groans,
His donnicker found its mark.
The wind it blew and the shit it flew,
As I looked 'bout the darkened room,
There on the floor, on top of the whore,
Three forms were stacked in the gloom.
The lights came on, the stranger rose,
His cock hung limber and blue,
And there on the floor, on top of the whore,
Lay cornholed Dan McGrew.
(Woodland 1948)
I once met this three-breasted whore
Long ago in old Singapore.
She also had three vaginas,
Well esteemed throughout China,
Each dispensing its own kind of sore!
Wasi writes 03/06/98
A doting, card-playing elder
Said, "Son, she's your wife if you've held her
Close enough to transmit
Your seed to her clit.
Back to cards, now: You had better meld her."
Bud Ewoldsen shares a classic 03/06/98
Here's to the gal from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper gown to the ball
The paper caught fire
And burnt her entire
Front page, sport section and all
There once was a girl from Rhodesia
Who said, "If my cunt doesn`t please ya ..."
..for an extra one ...
..shove it into my bum...
..but be careful the tapeworms don`t squeeze ya!"
Ewww!
The poet comments, "Plenty more originals..."
WhlCat writes 03/05/98
There was a young lady, flat-chested
Who thought her physique was detested.
So she saved a few bits,
And bought some new tits
And for showing them off, got arrested!
The poet comments, "I wrote this while my best friend was having breast implant surgery done, in
1979, and she was not appreciative at the time! "
Whipped cream is a favorite of Willie.
He pleases each Paula and Millie.
Grape jelly is fine,
And even red wine.
And once, he tried out piccalilli.
Karina writes 03/05/98
On Saturday night, up on Mars..
The astronaut stares at the stars
He grins like an elf
And says to himself
'Tween chuckles and har-dee-har-hars:
"Disposable condoms? Not me!
I don't need those rubbers, you see
For my astronaut suit
With vibration to boot
Doth provide all delights earthenly!"
The poet comments, "Love your page. Hope you enjoy my first submission.
Indeed!
A professor that everyone knows
In places where nobody goes
He dreams of a meeting
No matter how fleeting
With a real anthology of pros!
The poet comments, "(c) 1992 Bob Moers"
One night, Maw shouted ‘Fuck you!’ to Paw
“Fuck you too!” shouted Paw back to Maw
After minutes of thought
Said Maw quite distraught
“I don’t like oral sex anymore!”
Sam Pittman shares a classic 03/04/98
On a dark stormy night in Toledo
While I read the Nicean credo
From Quito down south
She came on with a mouth
That entirely enveloped my speedo!
Possum writes 03/04/98
"Alaska?" said Miss Lewinsky,
"With sleds and snow and huskies?!
I don't need to race
In a cold, frozen place...
'Cause I did a rod in D.C!"
FCA writes 03/04/98
A gay lost his boots in a game...
Of gay poker - the rules aren't the same -
'Straight' flushes are banned
In the homosexual brand
And the King - not the Queen - 's called a 'dame'!
Wooster answers Sam Pittman's query from last month:
You've probably had a lot of replies, but here is my memory of it:
The sexual urge of the camel
Is greater than anyone thinks
And while wandering round in the desert
He attempted to bugger the sphinx
But the sphinx's sexual organs
Are buried deep down in the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the sphinx's inscrutable smile.
Crazy Legs writes 03/03/98
There was a young man from Toledo
Who was cursed with excessive libido.
To fuck, and to screw,
And to fornicate, too,
Were the three major points of his credo!
To a party a man from Toledo
Went, wearing no more than a Speedo.
With a drink in his cup
And his periscope up,
He sought subdebs he could torpedo.
Also there, from down near Escondido,
Was a man with the opposite credo.
He preferred to use taste,
Not because he was chaste,
But you get more tail in a tuxedo.
Neato!
Says Clinton: " This bullshit must cease!
I feel like I'm preaching to trees!
A sex act is moral
As long as it's oral
So Monica, get back on your knees!
Says Clinton: "It ought to be noted
That it's me for whom you have voted
So knock off the chatter
Of the Monica matter
So what if I have been Deep-Throated? "
A pretty young lady from Crow Knob
Says: " Writing a poem is a slow job;
Although I'm quite clever
It took me forever
To think of a good rhyme for snow job! "
The poet comments, "Clinton, after feeling her pain, provided the much-needed clue."
In Wrigley Field's ivy-clad walls
There's a couple who dote on ump's calls
He hollers yikes
Kisses her on the strikes
While she kisses him on the balls!
The poet comments, "(c) Bob Moers 1997
Obvious play on an old joke attributed to Dizzy Dean. "
A Frenchman would never decline
To offer his thoughts or opine,
So I heard raucous laughing
And sheer pornographing,
When I said, "I'm now sixty-nine."
The poet comments, "This poem and I are now two years older."
Politicians, it seems, always knock...
The President, when he gets a sucked cock.
But they would not look askance,
If offered the same chance,
They'd form a line around the damn block!
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by James H. Vandermeer
Said the Pope, "I must stress it again:
Whether married or not, sex is sin
If it thwarts procreation;
It is certain damnation.
Therefore please mind which hole you are in."
by Evelyn Bogen
There was a young priest who ignored
Some Papal Bulls that he abhorred.
When a new one appeeared
He disdainfully sneered,
"STICK IT UP! on the BULLetin board."
by Don Moore
They say Socrates knew quite a bit
And was finally jailed for his wit.
But that myth's for the birds.
Check his actual last words:
"You mean hemlock is poison? Oh Shit!"
by Bill Backe-Hansen
A lonely old cowboy named Stover
Dropped face-down one day in the clover.
That sounds sort of bad
But his cattle weren't sad;
His cow-poking days were all over.
by Lucas Hulp
To some, her behavior's improper,
But when she gets hot I can't stop her.
With a lecherous glance,
She refers to my pants
As her very own "Home of the Whopper."
by Don Moore
Ross Perot walked through Dodge to a cheer.
He was nude and blamed Kitty 'cause "We're
Strolling out on the prairie
And she stripped me. It's scary,
And then she said, 'Go to town,' so I'm here."
by Michael Weinstsin
Shed a tear for those two poor young fuckers,
Attacked by automatic corn shuckers.
Going at it with zeal,
They were ground to cornmeal,
And became a new flavor for Smuckers.
by Laurence Perrine
As our teen-ager's cup-size increased,
All parental authority ceased.
When asked what she'd say
To "Move out or Obey!"
She replied, "I won't mind in the least."
by Bob Giandomenico
The crab leads a life full of catches,
Regardless to whom it attaches,
For it's ducking and darts,
Between fucking and farts,
Half its time is spent sleeping in snatches.
by Mark Levy
A doctor who charged a high price
Discovered what looked like small rice;
He said, "Fancy that,
This young virgin twat
Is loaded with crawling head lice."
by Don Moore
Since Joe's date was seductively shaped,
He proceeded to get her undraped.
As they climbed in the sack,
He saw moles on her back,
But they ran down her legs and escaped.
by Irving Superior
The greatest invention of Zoe;
While others with crabs crazy go,
And scratch what they've got,
Zoe thought and he thought,
Then went and invented VELCRO.
by Jim Menger
Had the Bomb first been built by Japan,
Its use would, of course, have been banned.
From pure love they'd have stopped it,
They'd never have dropped it.
(Just how much bullshit can you stand?)
by Don Moore
A scientist who was named Dodds
Tore "The Racing Form" into small wads
As a feed for his rooster,
A genetic sperm booster,
And now all his chickens lay odds.
by Vassar Smith
Beastiality's a sin--that's emphatic!
Its effects can be quite problematic.
Are the offsprint cute? Sure!
But they all, when mature,
Get on welfare and vote Democratic!
by Theo Heller
Illegal nude dancing is swell.
It's cool and the tips help as well.
But avoid cops because
Being picked up by the Fuzz
Has got to be painful as hell.
by Bob Giandomenico
Eli Whitney once said with chagrin,
To his wife, "Dear, your drinking's a sin,
And you're in, now, so deep,
That I'll thank you to keep
Your cotton-pickin' hands off my gin."
by Al Chaplin
Altar girls now help priests to save souls.
Lighting candles at Mass are new roles.
Pederasty (don't laugh)
Will now be cut in half,
For the priest has the choice of two holes.
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
When I asked for a license to air
My electric church gospel, I swear
They said, "Sure, Pastor Willy,
Your speech is hillbilly,
And you have evangelical hair."
by A. N. Wilkins
In his spelling Dan Quayle may have erred.
His attempt, though, was not as absurd
As Bill Clinton's assay
Or Ted Kennedy's way.
For Dan knew that HARASS was one word.
by Phil Cannibal
Can't find the Lord's weight, so I pray
And I study the Bible each day.
For I know the Lord giveth
To each human that liveth,
Then he goeth and taketh a weigh.
by Bob Giandomenico
In a riot a slug struck Ms. Dwyer
And the cops quizzed a rube testifier.
When they asked, "Was she shot
In the fracas or not?",
He answered, "No, about three inches higher."
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
"You're not hitting King as you should.
Hit him harder, Tim, I know I could."
Sergeant Koon added then,
"We must train you again.
It's an Ill Wind whose blows are no good."
by Arthur Deex
Said Paula to Governor Clinton,
"That screwing for which you've been hintin'?
Well you won't get it yet,
But you sure can bet
That you will when you start presidentin'."
by Bob Giandomenico
Although the telegrapher hid it,
And was too mortified to admit it,
His daughter, sweet Sandy,
Was ever so randy,
And dit it, and did it, and did it!
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