The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from November, 1998
from Poets Who Can't Wait for the 1999 Monica Pin-Up Calendar!
We here at the Toast Point Limerick Contest are sorry to inform you that longtime contributor
Al Willis
passed away on Monday, November 16th. He was one of our most constant poets here and also
corresponded with us via snail mail. We will miss him!
See some of Al's Limericks in the Pentatette section below.
Jesse Helms was consumed with lust:
He said, "I shouldn’t beat off, but I must!"
Though shriveled and teeny,
He wanged his old weenie....
‘N When he came, his pecker shot dust!
Toast Point once saw a comedian who commented that George Bush was so dry, he came in
a puff of powder too!
A hot girl I know named Rose,
Likes to wear some very tight clothes.
What her pants do to her crotch,
Can be inspiring to watch,
If you happen to like Camel Toes.
John Saugen shares a classic 11/27/98
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot.
When she could not get these
She ate the green cheese
That grew on the inside of her twat.
This is so close to the green meat limerick that Toast Point may ban this one as well. Yuck!
Observer writes 11/26/98
There once was a fellow named Buzz,
Whose bald head was covered with fuzz,
Said his best friend, McNutt,
"It feels like my wife's butt."
Said Buzz, "It most certainly does"!
KaMotion3 shares some kinda poemic classics 11/24/98
Here's to the bulls that roam through the woods.
Doing the cows and the cattle good.
For if it weren't for those bulls and their little red rods,
There wouldn't be any meat around here by God!
Here's to the bees those busy little souls,
Who don't believe in birth control,
For if it weren't for times like these,
There wouldn't be so many of those "sons-a-bees"
In days of olde and Knights were bold,
Before rubbers were invented,
They slapped a sock around their cock,
And babies were prevented !
KaMotion, sweetie, these are cute, but they're not limericks.
A warm puff of intestinal air,
Ruffled his dear lover’s hair!
He said, "Excuse my ass belching,
Please, go on with your felching,
You suck an ass with such flair!"
CyberCelt writes 11/21/98
Why Monica, love your blue dress!
Spread your legs for a frontal caress!
I can't get a boner
So I'll use this corona
Oh! and darling, please clean up the mess!
Why Monica, love your blue dress!
But what of the rest
Bill is in the back
Hiding his face and his disgrace
Smoking with his wife.
The poet comments, "THANKS!!"
Ron... sweetheart... check out the Hints on Limerick Structure.
If Shakespeare were writing today
There wouldn't be much left to say
He'd probably curse
And make such a fuss
That the government would put him away
The poet comments, "THIS IS FUN!!!"
A nubile young Finn who went skiing
Saw her dear friend just a-peeing
She turned up her head
But hit a tree center dead
And now she's in Heaven a-singing.
There were more entries, but The Sage insists that the poet work on his form first.
It seems there's this lady named Tripp,
Who has a face that could sink a ship,
She got Monica's ear,
And voiced her worst fear,
That for HER, Bill would never unzip!
I know I haven’t written much in awhile,
And, my limericks can be totally vile,
But is it so soon forgotten,
Not all my limericks are rotten?
Some of my shit’s made you smile...
Tyler Jefries writes 11/19/98
There once was a girl named Lynn
Who invited me to wonderful sin
"Stick your cock in my ass"
She said with no class
"And tell me, by God, when it's in"!
An intern, very chubby and cute
Blows seductively on the skin flute
We find, somewhat later,
Our Prez is a satyr
In a White House of much ill repute.
The poet comments, "When Monica blows away, the limerick industry will go into a steep decline."
Toast Point comments, "But it was Monica blowing away that started all this!"
Tony writes 11/18/98
Please go look at http://www.blounded.com.
What you will see is a special set of rhymes i have written. I hope you enjoy them.
Hussein from Iraq, he has bluffed us,
Got the whole world raising a ruckus,
'Cept Clinton the loner,
Who stands with his boner,
Praying for no more Saddam Interruptus!
The poet comments, "my daughter helped with this one,(great minds think alike!)"
There once was a Lady from Nantucket
She went to France in a Bucket
When she got there they asked for her fare
So she hoisted her skirts and said
"I've got a ticket here somewhere."
The poet comments, "Cool page. Apologies for this one if you have already heard it.
-
Colleen"
Philip writes 11/16/98
One night, down in Mexico, Tia
Got so borracho on sangria,
That she fucked an iguana
And reported, mañana,
He was gentle, but had gonnorrhea!
John Chastaine writes 11/16/98
There once was a shepherd from Wheeling,
Whose sheep gave him a special feeling.
To elevate this love,
To the heavens above,
He put mirrors on the bedroom ceiling.
A pervert by the name of McNutt,
Thought he found the world's nastiest slut.
She was wall to wall zits,
Had two scabs for tits,
And three tapeworms hanging out of her butt.
An artist with motives demonic
Performs his Concerto Clintonic
But the orchestra hates
When he ejaculates
All over the New Philharmonic.
The poet comments, "If you prefer, add the letter "a" to the end of lines 1,2,and 5."
Taurean writes 11/12/98
It seems a great pity
Camels were invented by Committee
Because they're all humpity
They go bumpity, bumpity
And their smell is decidedly shitty.
The poet comments, "I have several more limericks in my barnyard. Will air another shortly.
I woulld appreciate any comments. Email aplich@mweb.co.za [Cape Town}"
Martis de Sade writes 11/12/98
Alone in bed,
terminally well read,
moistened minds wander through dead
romances cherished in vintage urns
of yearnings lost to youthful spurns.
Toast Point's not sure what the hell this is, but it ain't no limerick.
Dan writes 11/10/98
A young girl once said on a Monday,
"I'd like to have, one day, a fun day:
With my ass in the air,
And ten cocks crammed in there,
To be force-fed that hot shit-cum sundae."
Hawk shares a classic 11/04/98
There once was a hooker named Alice
Who charged by the length of the phallus
Sometimes in a pinch,
She cheated an inch
And lived like a queen in a palace
Aurora writes 11/03/98
Wee Willy Winkle once had to tinkle
Once on a dark starry night
The outhouse he sought
He soon had forgot
To get out of bed, what a sight!
Wozzle writes 11/02/98
Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet
It can leave a gross stain on your sheet,
Or on your shorts, or the stairs,
And hang off your ass hairs,
Not to mention the bad pain in your seat.
An anonymous poet online
Is most likely to be unrefined.
If he goes to Toast Point,
For Limericks, out of joint.
Fuck you, Eat shit and Suck mine!
If Ken Starr weren't such a butt-insky
We would never have heard of Lewinsky
And we'd never have thought
That adultery ought
To depend on where it's put-insky.
Daniel R. writes 11/01/98
Coleen was a big brat.
She carried a big black bat.
She was a real fool,
Who never went to school,
Because of her father, Bobcat.
The poet comments, "I started to write poetry because of my brother. So I think you should give him some of the
credit."
Or blame.
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by William N. Nesbit
An old spinster, Aunt Tillie McTish,
Was arrested for smelling like fish.
She said, "What can I say?
Since I broke my bidet,
Female hygiene just isn't my dish."
by Albin Chaplin
In the Garden of Eden way back,
Eve picked up the dope-peddling knack.
She tricked Adam real quick
With the leaf-dropping trick,
And she gave him his first taste of crack.
by Tom Patterson
The Garden of Eden was grand;
It's where Adam and Eve took a stand.
Their stay's interrupted
As they were corrupted,
When he got the lay of the land.
by William N. Nesbit
"It is time," Dad told pre-schooler, Dan,
"That we talk about sex, man-to-man."
Dand said, "Certainly, Dad.
I would be more than glad.
Now, what is it you don't understan'?"
by Al Willis
Our love and our caring unite us.
And foreplay and sex still excite us.
She's my one Valentine
And we get along fine,
And we have, since she got laryngitis.
by William N. Nesbit
Though I toe the conservative line,
I think redistribution is fine;
Give a piece of the pie
To those poorer than I--
Just as long as that piece isn't mine!
by Richard Lederer
You loved me, then left me alone
To rot here, to moan, and to groan.
Well, I'm not one to judge,
And I don't hold a grudge,
But please throw your mother a bone!
by Richard Lederer
The president of a big co.
Once threatened to fire and to do.
Cute secretary
Who wouldn't make merry.
So they quit, and he never did ho.
by Albin Chaplin
A disconsolate coed, Miss Berm,
Her failure in math did confirm.
She had plans for an "A"--
Fuck the prof every day--
But the prof could not finish the term.
by Norm Storer
A nympho of generous girth
Tried a dynamite stick just for mirth;
But her name wasn't Alice,
And her ass ain't in Dallas--
It barely got close to Fort Worth.
by John Dole
I had this advice from my Mum:
Be careful when choosing a chum.
Avoid if you can
Any very short man;
His brains are too close to his bum.
by William N. Nesbit
Said his friend, "Is it true what I hoid?
Did you bugger an exotic boid?"
Liberace said, "No.
It just isn't so.
'Twas a cock-er-two that I enjoyed."
by Tom Patton
Premier Deng is failing at last;
His strength is weakening fast.
Each hard liner
In all of China
Is hanging dissidents at half mast.
by John Dole
There was a MP at Westminster
Who did naughty things with a spinster.
At first she resisted
But when he persisted,
The sighs of the Member convinced her
by John Dole
"What's that, Pa?" said Japheth, "A tent?"
Said Noah, "Just 'ark and repent!"
Said Shem, "It's a sham."
"What's it made of?" said Ham.
"Gopher Wood," Noah said. So they went.
by Norm Storer
I was told that the birds and the bees
Have babies with wonderful ease;
But I can't go through it
The way that they do it--
Too hard on my elbows and knees.
by Irving Superior
There once was the Bird and the Bee,
Symbolic of what sex should be.
But now they're passe
'Cause children today
Have talk shows and Cable TV.
by Evelyn Bogen
The proper Brown's proper young daughter
Was doing things she shouldn't oughter.
But refused to believe
They could make her conceive,
Because she'd been told the stork brought her.
by William N. Nesbit
"Tell me, Mom, once more," asked Elaine,
"Where do babies come from? Please explain."
Mommy breathed a deep sigh
And said, "Goodness! Oh my!
Tell me dear, are you pregnant again?"
by Tom Patton
Said a dumb young girl named Ellie,
Who always had babes in her belly,
"I need to question
My contraception,
'Cause I always use K-Y jelly."
by Tom Patton
When giraffes condescend to make love,
The action begins with a shove.
Then comes the foreplay,
Which leads to more play,
And mute moans emanate from above.
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
As a callow youth he was no satyr,
But one matron who knew him said later,
"You will put, my dear chap,
Your profile on the map
As you use that projection, Mercator."
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
If you're squeamish about sex and yet
Your kids need information, you bet.
There's a way, when they're through,
They'll know more than you.
Let them access the old Internet.
by William N. Nesbit
My mother advised, "Never wed
The first woman who takes you to bed,
Unless the loose bitch
Is uncommonly rich--
Then propose to the darling," she said.
by William N. Nesbit
If one touched by the limerick curse
Should insist that he read you his verse,
Make post haste for the door
For he doubtless has more
Bad habits, maybe some even worse!
by Al Willis
On the night of Helene's graduation,
In the car, we caused much excitation.
We did things obscene,
But she was sixteen,
And today I must face litigation.
by Paul Westwood
A promiscuous woman named Muir,
Lacking looks, got her men by a lure.
She just happened to faint
And pretend a complaint
For which sex was the singular cure.
by Paul Westwood
An excited young lady named Wright
In a girlfriend confided, "Last night
I discovered romance
When he let drop his pants
And behold, it was love at first sight."
by William N. Nesbit
In the Home, an old Grey met a Blue,
And said, "I can still function. Can you?
She said, "Sure, if we're done
Before fifty past one,
Because bingo starts promptly at two."
by William N. Nesbit
When you're old, it gets cold in December,
So you sleep with the opposite gender.
If you do something right
And get lucky one night,
Did you like it? You can't quite remember.
by William N. Nesbit
My Love lies beside me. I shake her.
Should I blow in her ear and awake her?
Though I rise semi-hard,
I must be on guard
So as not to abuse my pacemaker.
by Arthur Deex
Superman in his earlier days,
Before heroes had become the craze,
When his mother said, "Oy,
A profession, my boy,"
Got his start doing dental X-rays.
by Michael Weinstein
An A.M. disk jockey named Morty
Married newscaster Sue Yorty.
He nicknamed his dong
"Sue's favorite Schlong."
Sue said "Wrong--but it's in my top 40."
by Al Willis
I got her bra off (what a size!)
And I started to feast these old eyes.
Then I kissed and I hugged,
And I pulled and I tugged,
But I could not get off her Levis.
by Kent B. Hake
The reason I called up today,
Is because I have something to say.
Your dog craps in my yard
And it sure makes it hard
To clean up the kids after play.
by William N. Newbit
When the boss' fat daughter he wed
And reluctantly took her to bed.
She said, "Sweetheart, I think
You've had too much to drink."
"No, not nearly enough, dear," he said.
by Isaac Asimov
A certain young woman named Mame
Longs to play in a tough football game,
You would think it can't be
Since she's female, you see,
Yet she's making the team, just the same.
by Bob Giandomenico
A stout Amerind Squaw made a pitch
To drum in the tribal rite niche.
When the chief gave consent,
To a war-dance she went,
And played like a great ruddy bitch.
by Tom Patton
Look out for a doctor named Coulder
Who is getting bolder and bolder,
When he shouts "Alakazam!"
During a rectal exam,
And you feel a hand on each shoulder.
by Tom Patton
Said the doc to incontinent Schwartz,
"I've mislaid one of your lab reports.
Give urine, a sample,
Six ounces is ample.
The best way is to wring out your shorts."
by Lims Hist and Hyst
Said Joan on the pile, "I confess,
To be burned at the stake is a mess.
Though I frankly avow,
I'm smoking more now.
But clearly enjoying it less."
by Tom Patton
They say when all is said and done,
Potato chip snacks should be fun.
Now Olestra, inventive,
As an added incentive
For folk who want to eat and run.
by William N. Nesbit
It was with delectation that Fred
Took a girl with three pussies to bed.
"Though my aim was to diddle
The one in the middle,
I tripled my pleasure," he said.
by Nancy Henry Kline
Cain, Balthasar, and Meryl
Thought they'd give this long journey a whirl.
Cain was pooped and not able
To reach Bethlehem's stable,
So they faxed him, "My God, it's a girl!"
by William N. Nesbit
Said Earp, a descendant of Wyatt,
"I bi-sexual now. You should try it."
What he meant to say--
Let me put it this way:
When he want's to have sex, he must buy it.
by Vassar W. Smith
Nymphomaniacal Anna
In the dark tried to stuff a banana!
But she found, with distress
(And considerable mess),
She was using a tube of Ipana!
(Ipana - brand of toothpaste)
by Vassar W. Smith
An equestrian boyfriend of Anna
Drove her up to his ranch in Montana,
Where she went to the shed
And enjoyed "Mr. Ed"...
(I think that she's now in Nirvana!)
by Vassar W. Smith
On her stone in the burial ground
Was inscribed this small truth, profound:
"She have made it past twenty
And enjoyed life a-plenty,
If she'd only quit horsing around!"
by Paul Westwood
Remarked a young fellow named Frankis,
"A wonderful thing a blood bank is.
I likewise affirm
The banking of sperm,
When you think of how wasteful a wank is."
by Paul Westwood
There was an old bastard named Gladys
And you know what her latest fad is?
Recalling the names
Of her mothers old flames,
To try to discover who dad is?
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