Woman Man

The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Since 1995!

Naughty Entries from October, 1998

from Poets Who Should Be Permanently Punished!

Jayde writes 10/31/98

There once was a man from Brookshire
In bed, his wife was always tire'
He got him a wench
He's now much less tense
Now when he's pissin', it's like fire.

MJK writes 10/29/98

There once was a Duchess of York,
Who liked to get off with a fork.
She'd fork every day,
In her hot Duchess way,
Until she discovered the spork.

The poet comments, "more at http://www.teleport.com/~kadel/poem.htm"

M. Sean Curtis writes 10/29/98

There was a President named Billy
Who thought Starr's report was just silly
But now he ain't laughin'
Never thought it would happen
We're gonna kick his ass off Capital Hill-y.

I met a young lass using E-mail
I certainly thought she was female
We had cyber sex
But me she did vex
'Cause it turned out the lass was a she-male!

There was an old space man named Glenn
Who thought he might do it again -
So he hopped on a rocket
'Cause the one in his pocket
Was too old to commit the original sin!

John Chastaine writes 10/28/98

So what if John Glenn's on a Space Trip.
I gather his science chores aren't too hip.
In fact I heard the old butthole
Is going up in the shuttle,
To test out "Depends" and "Polygrip"!

ClaraBlue writes 10/24/98

There once was a man in a pumpkin
Who had nothing to take a dump in
So he carved a nice crack
Now he calls his house, "Jack"
And his neighbors all call him "Bumpkin".

The man took a wife in the pumpkin
And she became known as his rump kin
Because they would rut
In just one place, but
He still called her his cuntry bumpkin.

Curly Hare writes 10/24/98

The Rabbi Jeremiah C. Keller
Kept his underwear locked in a cellar
'Cause slinky pink briefs
With kinky motifs
Aren't kosher or cool on a fella.

Crazy Legs shares a classic 10/22/98

Ms. Lewinsky, according to Starr,
For a phallus, used Clinton’s cigar.
Now to most common folk
It seems that the bloke
Has been probing the matter too far.

The poet comments, "From Legman's 'The Limerick' #1543, updated a bit"

Shari Clevenger writes 10/22/98

There once was a harlot named Suzie
Who often got drunken and woozy.
She worked on the streets
Lots of men she would meet
Now wouldn't you say she's a floozy?

AE! shares a classic 10/22/98

A pretty young lady from Wooster
Dreamt that a man had seduced her
She woke with a scare
To find no one there
For a bump in the mattress had goosed her.

AE! writes 10/22/98

A bue-eyed man named Shawn
In bed could go on and on
He made his wife shriek,
and old bedsprings creak,
So they didn't rest until dawn!

howard writes 10/21/98

Image: Gold Star! A comely young maiden of yore
Loved to roll with the knights on the floor
Quoth the randy young charmer,
"Please sirs, doff your armor
It makes my poor thingies quite sore!"

The poet comments, "Wrote this thing years ago. Never published. "

Losh shares a classic 10/19/98

There once was a man from Montana
With a cock like a ten-inch banana
He bored monstrous holes
In telegraph poles
And thrust in his giant banana.

Bic writes 10/19/98

There was once was a young lady from Buckingham
Who weren't half good at fuckin them
One day in a fit
She said "hey what the shit"
And cut off her swollen left tit.

The poet comments, "poor cow "

The Sage turns purple, "No, no no, AABBA, not AABBB!!!!!" (the rhymes, you twit).

Cleethorpe's Kid shares a classic 10/18/98

There was a young man from Goole,
Who found a red ring round his tool,
He went to a clinic,
And was told by a cynic,
"Wash it off - it's lipstick you fool!

More Epics by H, 10/17

Captain H's Log, stardate 145896.7

The moon that I surveyed last week
Had little pig creatures that speak.
They led me to shrines,
Through fields sewn with mines,
And let me at rituals peek.

‘Bout ten virgin pig-thingys sat
On lingae, each big as a bat.
Each blue steely tower
Had black holes for power.
And then my young rookie crew shat,

For dildoes proceeded to spin
And plunge and gyrate deep within
And vibrate so hard
The smell of burnt lard
Soon sickened them, as did the din.

Such terrible cruel sacrifice!!
Then each massive evil device
Exploded with lasers
That chopped ‘em like razors,
Leaving all crispy and diced.

The priestess, who called herself Xarbs,
Confirmed (as we cleaned up our garbs):
These dildoes of doom
(As you may assume)
Are known as the Pork Cube-B-Barbs.

The True Cause of Male Pattern Baldness

Image: Gold Star! Some insight from Friday night’s feats:
(Why hair ‘round my pate still depletes.)
Testosterone? No.
It’s from a good blow.
And scooting, back arched, ‘cross the sheets.

Moose Pants?

“Dear waiter, my mousse has a fly!”
“Great God, are those moose pants I spy?”
“Not ungulate, *truffle*!
Desert with a ruffle!
And not that beast on the lanai!!!”

Liv’s Glass Ass

A girl, name of Liv, from Alsace,
Who had no left cheek to her ass,
Once loved a New Yorker,
A Tiffany worker,
Who blew her prosthetics of glass.

Image: Gold Star! Favrile was the style of one ‘lefty’
(Liv’s lover was skillful and defty).
And further, it rang
When he’d gently bang,
And too, when farts blew from her clefty.

Another glass glute had two doors.
Liv rented it out to some whores.
These girls were all dwarves
She’d met at the wharves.
(I guess they were *all* ass lessors.)

One of the whores has a chair -
A hole in the bottom for ‘air’.
Embroidery sweet,
And porcelain feet -
She sneaks it one night in their lair.

“Pottery feet are like stones
Cracking my ass!” Liv intones,
“Go back to the pier!
Your lease is quite clear:
Glass housees should not stow thrones!”

Alopecia

A young alopecic named Jill
Was, with her disease, in a thrill.
It went from her toes
Up just to her nose.
Her razor bills? Zero to nil.

Bugger Bugs

A pervert who rode a bicycle
Would bugger road-kill with his pickle.
A bloated old deer
Felt pleasantly queer;
The maggot-squirms gave him a tickle!

Malfeasant Mashgiah:

Image: Gold Star! There is an old mohel named Schmucks
Who saves all the foreskins he plucks.
Delightful pâté
He serves on a tray,
And all the guests think it is duck’s!

Mark the Polluter:

While sated on pork fat and beer
Old Marky expressed his good cheer.
He cracked off a medley -
Not silent, but deadly -
And damaged the Earth’s stratosphere.

Necropolis Unscrupulous

A gravedigger once did exhume
Two corpses, intending to scrume.
To make them the moister
He hacked up an oyster
And lubed their dry quims with his rheum.

Jack’s Live Act

There once was a bugger named Jack
Who shoved a small mink up his crack.
He loved the full feeling,
And, too, when a-kneeling,
The thrash of soft tail on his sac.

Natural Selection

Image: Gold Star! There once was a ten-foot brown bear
Who woke when spring tickled the air.
‘Twas too warm to nap -
He needed to crap,
And stretched, and breathed deep to prepare.

While pooping just next to a tree
And taking a torrential pee,
He rolled up his eyes
And to his surprise
A little gray squirrel watched with glee.

The bear was exceedingly fired,
And through his clenched teeth he inquired,
“Can’t a bear take a shit
In the woods for a bit?
This peeping is just not required!”

The squirrel said, “I’m sorry, dear sir,
I don’t mean to badger or slur,
But, curious me,
I wanted to see
If excrement sticks to brown fur.”

The bear, quite annoyed, said, “Dear girl,
Does scat e’er adhere to *gray* curl?”
She said, meekly, “Yes.”
Then, to her distress,
The bear wiped his ass with the squirrel.

Wild Wands

A bugger invented some dildoes
Designed to incite bugger thrill-shows.
The tips had three rotors,
The afts had three motors
To which were attached little twill-bows.

Necrobestiality

There once was a wino named Mack
Who kept a dead cat in a sack.
The puss decomposed,
And so Mack kept closed
The bag, ‘less he wanted some crack.

JaCkIn' JiLL writes 10/17/98

While I'm watchin the new video from Korn
I wanked it while watching some porn
When my hefty shaft spit it
I no longer had the urge to hit it
But for this I should be scorn(ed).

The poet comments, ""Got The Life?""

Deep-Goat writes 10/17/98

Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet
When you're sitting on that cold toilet seat
Shitting and straining
And always complaining
Of some food you did previously eat.

Monica, how far will you go
To get on Springer's talk show?
You're trailer park trash
With a mountain of cash
And the new queen of fellatio!

Now Clinton's about ready to chuck it
Cuz he asked some fat bitch to suck it
He's tired of fighting
So soon he'll be writing
Of limerical lads from Nantucket.

Monica's morals did slip
When she swallowed the presidential tip
She thought she'd go far
And be a big Starr
But instead poor Monica did Tripp.

Image: Gold Star! To go where no one's gone before
Vowed the captains of Star Trekial yore
But we know where they've been
To the hair club for men!
Because bald were three out of four!

The poet comments, "Although not naughty in nature, I'll surely get a trekkie who thinks it's blasphemous."

M. Sean Curtis writes 10/14/98

There once was a private named Ryan
In war his brothers all ended up dyin'
A search they did strive at
And they saved Ryan's privates
So rebuildin' his family he is now tryin'.

The poet comments, "E-mail me and let me know how you liked my limerick or send me some of your own."

Tamweb writes 10/11/98

There once was a skanky old whore,
Whose best years were pre-civil war
Her cunt it ran dry,
'Bout Nineteen o' five
Now hand jobs are even a chore.

Davy TarTar writes 10/11/98

A prosecutorial zealot named Starr
Has spent 45 million thus far
To prove the President’s agenda
Included young Monica’s pudenda
And an illegal Cuban Cigar!

The poet comments, "A friend in Oakland wrote this limerick after seeing some in circulation. I think it worth sharing with you."

We like it!

ClaraBlue writes 10/09/98

Image: Gold Star! There is a wee guy named Propriety
(Attached to me once by Society)
Who sits on my butt
Restraining the smut
That just might bespeckle my piety.

The poet comments, "Hello all!"

Curly Hare writes 10/09/98

Image: Gold Star! The President (sat quite alone)
By the Whitehouse's video-phone
Admitted the fact
Of an inappropriate act
In which more than his cover was blown.

Brick House writes 10/09/98

There once was a Catherine the Great
With a horse she did copulate
The steed's legs did give,
And she ceased to live
Though her stud did not seem too irate...

The poet comments, "A much debated historical fact..."

Annette Funicello writes 10/07/98

One time, I saw this cute dude
He asked me to go out for food
We went out, instead
For a beer, and some head
See what happens when you're in the mood?

Barney's a fat dinosaur
Who whacks off his bone on a whore
He likes little boys
And kinky sex toys
He's named his left hand "Lenore"

One time, when I was just three
I bent over to watch myself pee
It went in my eye
(My aim was too high)
And therefore, I could not see!

Allan Cowley writes a big one 10/06/98

A Fitting End To One Blown Out Of Proportion

I The Valley Girl

An adventurous intern named Monica,
Told Linda Bill's love did astonish her,
"If I'd known all I'd get,
"Was my underwear wet,
"I'd have kept our relations platonic-er."

Monica, cute and well-thatched, who
Delivers on broadloom unmatched woo,
Says, "I'm not in this place,
"With my lips to embrace,
"Bill's schtick, but whom it's attached to."

Our Bill is a fun sort of bloke
Who rather than give her a poke
Let Monica chew it
But later she blew it
When in Tripp her greed she awoke.

To Starr, with his jihad embargoed,
Said Linda, "To have him Sukarno'd
"Here's a tape cut in Hell,
"What a book deal I'll sell,
"With more chutzpah than Benedict Arnold."

Says Ken, "Ms. Tripp, I admire your stealth,"
(Between jobs for great cigarette wealth)
"Satan's not the right icon,
"In what state was the mike on?
"To be certain, I'll tape it myself."

Thought Bill in a moment so doubtful,
With Starr coming on a tad frightful,
"That guy is a mutt,
"My polls are high, but
"What Monica said was a mouthful."

II Independent of What?

Asks Starr like a biblical prelate
"Ms. L., were you paid, did you fellate?"
She says, "Facts such as those
"I will never disclose
"In a court, not Supreme, not Appellate."

For Monica, Starr is rapacious,
Replaying those tapes most salacious,
"Here's immunity,
"To set your tongue free,
"And tickle my Staff most bodacious."

The temple of justice still glitters,
The News seeks new sins for its twitters,
Each wanted to sleuth but
In this case to truth cut,
The comics with skits and sidesplitters.

Clean or dirty, jokes show to the eyes,
What details often tend to disguise.
So it's easy to see
(They protest in DC?)
Bedfellows, not so odd, sex and lies.

Starr's Report was more silly than complex
(And murdered privacy, balance and checks).
After all that had leaked,
We felt sorry we peeked,
And besides it wasn't even great sex!

Tripp's tapes had meant those holding press passes,
Could talk dirty yet preach to the masses,
Till the last polls told them no,
Bill Clinton still is our ho,
Now they're left with their heads up their asses.

III. A Placque-ation

After months of this media chorus
The people told Congress, "You bore us,
"From your jobs you'll be free."
They said, "It's been, we agree,
"Easy work – So now who's the whore – us?"

"Since lawyers, Baptists and fems on the skids,
"Lefties and Rightists have for fame all made bids,
"We now need a story that soothes,
"And covers self-evident truths,
"With fig leaves for the mighty and lessons for kids."

Forgetting great men would be callous,
So we honor their fame without malice,
But a pillar would seem,
To unerringly mean,
We'd memorialized Bill with a phallus.

So to find lies fit for ending this fable,
Congress met in backrooms, not on cable,
And when Hillary proposed
Congress quickly disposed,
In the White House, a plaque, here's the label:

After Bill Led The Polls To Bag Dole,
TV Never Spun Out Of Control,
Ms. Tripp Was A Rat,
Ms. L. A Young Brat,
But Starr's Boner Was Just His Flagpole.

In Bed, Bill's A Great President,
Whose Tool – I'll Confirm It -- Is Bent,
Since He Put It In Double,
To Save Monica Trouble,
He's Not Guilty Of Coming -- He Went.

By His Wife, For Much Blather And Blithery Flak,
Bill's Bottom Was Spanked With Her Knees As The Rack,
And Told, "Don't Trust A Girl
"With Big Hair In A Curl,
"And Kneepads And A Tongue That Twirls Slithery!" – WHACK!

Jim Overton writes 10/06/98

Bill had an intern named Monica
Who he thought was skilled on harmonica.
When he showed her his flute
She laughed with a hoot
"As a Jew, I blow only on Hannakuh!"

The poet comments, "Just plain tired of Monicagate!!!"

AkaDave writes 10/06/98

A curious mammal's the beaver
A serious overachiever
He'll build you a dam
Out of green eggs and ham
And make you a true believer.

JuMpIn' JaCk writes 10/05/98

An excited farmboy named Tex,
Informed his male friends he expects
To be getting less sleep
After cloning his sheep,
Cos it doubles his chances for sex!

The poet comments, "I wasn't quite satisfied with the original line 3 so I tweaked it. Is this permissible?"

Sure!

Casey shares a classic 10/04/98

Said Mr. Clinton to Ms. Lewinsky
"We can't leave behind clues like Kacinsky
So you look such a mess
Take the hem of your dress
And wipe that shit off your chinsky!

Kitt writes 10/03/98

Image: Gold Star! "My heart will go on," Winslet sighed
Making the audience cry
The hell with her heart!
My favorite part
Was watching DiCaprio die!

The poet comments, "The ship sank, people. Get over it!"

About Leo, the girls are fanatic
But here's why their boyfriends don't panic:
It gives the world's males
A line that can't fail:
"Hey baby! Go down like Titanic!"

The poet comments, "sigh Am I the only one on the face of the planet who truely hated that movie?"

Toast Point loved it, although he admits its many flaws.

William F. Orr writes 10/02/98

Image: Gold Star! There was a young lady named Maxine,
Whose customers found her Relaxine.
The wise ones would plan
Before she began
By taking a triple-dose Vaxine.

The poet comments, "The firs rule of limericks (and all poetry for that matter): Pick your rhymes first; only then decide what you want to say."

There was a hotshot Harvard coxswain,
Who learned steroids can be a toxswain.
He pumped up his crew,
Whose pectorals grew.
But all those young bulls are now oxswain!

The poet comments, "Don't stop me now! I'm on a roll!"

Image: Gold Star! The President's sin and its wages
Will be judged by Congressional sages.
But let us compose
The jury of those
Who never got blowjobs from pages!

...If so, then that most august forum
Quite likely won't muster a quorum.
The question at large is
What to do with the charges?
It's safest to simply ignore 'em.

The poet comments, "...this is clearly #2 in my own Zippergate cycle. Well, everybody else has written one... and the beat goes on:"

And now, as the press starts to heckle
The Congress and look for a speckle
Or blemish on each one,
This business should teach one
Inside Henry Hyde may hide Jeckyll.

The poet comments, "As he cries: "Richard Nixon, you are avenged!""

Henry Hyde tried to give the impression
That his sex life was in a recession.
He ruined her life,
Which killed his poor wife.
That's his "youthful [sic!] indiscretion".

Ken Starr has campaigned against smut.
His case is quite open and shut.
He claims to despise it
And loudly decries it
And can't think of anything but.

The poet comments, "Hypocrites are such fun."

The Right compares Clinton to Nero.
His sex life, they say, counts for zero.
The crime, they decide,
Is that the man lied.
(And Oliver North is their hero?)

BNON writes 10/01/98

There once was a President named Bill
Who liked to cop a cheap feel.
It depends what you mean
If you call it "obscene";
To him it was just a cheap thrill.

There once was a White House aide
Who for some of her duties was paid.
But the one she liked best,
Left a stain on her dress;
Even if she never got laid!

Image: Gold Star! Miss Lewinsky, one fine autumn day
A sleazy new tale did convey.
She said, "On a whim
I licked Hillary's quim
Now I go the DeGeneres way."

The poet comments, "It could happen. Really."

DelBob writes 10/01/98

Image: Gold Star! Would Clinton submit to castration?
So wonders his curious nation.
If his balls hit the floor
Would it even the score
And bring Congress complete jubilation?

The poet comments, "I took that classic first line and ran with it."

Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives

by A. N. Wilkins

Though no signal was ever more trite,
A man doesn't have to be bright--
He may not know beans
To be sure what it means,
Whenever he sees a red light.

by Bob Giandomenico

A cardiac patient named Lutz,
Finds his pace-maker driving his nuts.
His sex life's a strife,
For while loving his wife,
His garage door then opens and shuts.

An eighty year old was Sir John,
When he wed twenty year old Yvonne.
His friends told him, "Jack,
She's a sex maniac."
Sir John said, "You're putting me one."

When they asked G. B. Shaw about balling,
He said it was not that enthralling;
For the pleasure's too quick,
And the price makes one sick,
As for the position: appalling!

A feeble old dotard named Ned
Once took a young woman to bed.
When she asked, "Is it in?"
He replied with chagrin,
"I've got it all in but the head."

Adam made love to Eve in a dell,
Then the Lord came and Eve ran pell mell.
In her terror to flee
She leapt into the sea,
And that is why fish have that smell.

by Theo M. Heller

When Adam and Eve played in Eden,
Only boys came from all of their breedin'.
Well, maybe I'm dumb--
Where'd the gals all come from?
Did one of their sons go to Sweden?

by Al Chaplin

In the Garden of Eden man's fate
Was determined when Eve took the bait.
But no apple, I think,
Could have raised such a stink--
It was Adam's banana she ate.

by Jane D. Hughes

When Eve Adam first tried to make,
He found it was no piece of cake.
So though it seemed odd,
Adam beseeched his God,
"Please tell me, Lord, what's a headache?"

by A. N. Wilkins

If in Eden he didn't once make
His woman nor ever partake
Of sexual play,
As some preachers say,
Adam certainly owed one to the snake.

by Don Moore

A gay rabbi said fervently, "We've
Made translations of what we believe
To be Genesis pure,
And we found out for sure
It's the story of Adam and Steve."

by Al Chaplin

When the atom he split by his wit,
With uranium man made a big hit.
But it did not compare
To the time Eve laid bare
And Adam observed the first split.

by Grand Prix Limericks

The cheap whorehouse of yore is no more
And its dying we deeply deplore.
For today, high tail prices
Turn teenagers to vices,
Like murder, rape, pillage, and gore.

by Al Willis

A young virgin without petticoat,
On a waterbed with an old goat,
"I'm a person," she said
As her clothing was shed,
But he thinks that she's his cherry float.

by Bob Giandomenico

Though she'd braces, a coed, Miss Banks,
Was quite generous with her oral pranks.
With her braces removed,
Her skills so improved,
That the team sent her dentist their thanks.

The game between sexes eschews,
Any reason that one can peruse,
For the facts are hereof,
That she screws to get love,
While he only loves to get screws.

by William N. Nesbit

Tennis elbow was painful to Fred,
So they screwed off the top of his head;
Then to deaden the pain
They removed half his brain.
Now he's taken up golfing instead.

by Michael Weinstein

Last Saturday night Mrs. Lizst
Lost two-hundred bucks playing whist.
The blue streak that she swore
Woke the priest up next door,
And he added some fine points she missed.

by Bob Giandomenico

The coach said, "Our kicker's the wrong one,
Linda Lovelace might just be a strong one.
Though it's certainly true,
That she's blown quite a few,
She has never yet choked on a long one."

A girl who bowls nightly, sweet Sally,
With boys on the team loves to dally.
She commits many sins,
'Midst the balls and the pins,
And explains, "This is right up my alley!"

A student of fencing, untrussed,
Told her teacher who lunged with great lust,
"Touche! I am foiled,
Your moves are well oiled,
I can no longer parry your thrust."

A young baseball pitcher named Witter,
Made the lady fans giggle and titter.
They would gasp in the stands,
With a stirring of glands,
When he showed them his slider and spitter.

by Stu Lucas

Boasted Humperdink as he was jinking
The chink of the girl he was linking,
"You may laugh with derision,
But my circumcision
Was done with some shears meant for pinking."

by Phil Cannibal

To her daughter, a lady named Bursa
Said, "Risks with young men are now worser.
When a boy friend you meet,
Don't get in the back seat--
Don't let boys snatch a kiss and vice versa."
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