The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from December, 1998
from Poets Who Should Be Impeached, not Censured!
Says Clinton: " I'll never surrendah!
Must get on with the country's agenda!
For my next brilliant stroke
I will light up and smoke
The cigar that was in her pudenda! "
The poet comments, "Bill adds: " It's important to be a positive role model for the little
bastards -excuse me,the children. ""
Canadian Joe writes 12/28/98
Rock hard and apparently on fire,
His dick he thrust that much higher,
He cried "I'm cumming,I am",
That poor little lamb,
Just got blessed by the local town friar!
Canadian Joe writes 12/28/98
A beaver is quite an odd dish,
When it's absent there's times I do wish,
To fondle and finger,
To let my tongue linger,
Awash in a smell of ripe fish.
There was once a young suck-it from nantucket
If you gave her a bucket she'd fuck it
W all came around on sundays
Catch her drowned in half-shitty hay
If the donkey would drop it she'd duck it.
Lisa writes 12/27/98
Said a dentist, "Ma'am, please open wider"
She opened her legs and his tongue slid inside her
No pain from a drill
She got her fill
Said the dentist, "Ma'am you tasted like cider"!
Jolyon shares a classic 12/27/98
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said there's really one thing that I do know
A woman is fine
And a goat is divine
But the llama is Numero Uno!
Conch writes 12/26/98
Ancient Greeks had quite lusty emotions
Which caused population explosions
So fast they'd conceive
That we're led to believe
They had almost no knowledge of Trojans.
Cudik writes 12/25/98
Said a wife to her husband in bed,
"Let's not screw, I'll give you some head."
He said, "If you suck
The way that you fuck,
I'd rather jack-off instead!"
Well, Mrs. Santa reacted with a kick,
Led the elves and Rudolf off to Arctic:
"Good bye, you old fart,
Take care of your heart,
And,lest it drop off, hang on to your dick"
The poet comments, "In response to John Chantaine's Santa dated 12.15.98.
Merry Christmas, y'all!"
Cinful writes 12/22/98
Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr
All had sex one day in a car
Poor Bill was sure missed
And Monica was pissed
Because Kenneth forgot the cigar!
Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet
You've got to be quick on your feet
To run to the shitter
Until the poopie done quitter
Just make sure that you clean off the seat!
Canadian Joe writes 12/22/98
There was an old whore from Vancouver,
Whose vagina could pass for a Hoover,
In the old sixty-niner,
She give you a shiner,
From the cling-ons hanging off her old pooper!
The breasts on the waitress were voluptuous,
They seemed to call out to me, "Touch us",
All through supper she teased me,
Then said she wanted to please me,
But by then I had an eruptus!
Big Fig shares a classic 12/22/98
There once was a man from Wales
Who lived on shit, snot and snails
When he couldn't get these
He lived on the cheese
That he scratched from his nuts with his nails
There once was a whore from Sydney
Who could take it up to her kidney
A man from Quebec
Stuck it up to her neck!
He had a big one didn't he?
There once was a man from Lachine
Who built a wack-off machine
On the very first stroke
The fucking thing broke
And mashed his balls all to cream!
There once was a cowboy who found
He and his filly aground
She ask,"Do you screw?"
He said,"Oh no thank you."
"I prefer just horsing around!'
Canadian Joe writes 12/21/98
There once was a whore named Remorse,
Who boasted of her skills, (well of course!)
Her sex was of one kind,
It was always from behind,
'Cause up front she was hung like a horse!
This story is vile, to the letter,
But I'd really should tell it, I'd better,
Down on her he did not lag,
Oralling through that wet rag,
He should not have worn a white sweater.
His balls did ache, yes quite sore,
He was to meet her at quarter past four,
Next to her he did sit,
But he had stepped in dog shit,
So she left with her trusty vibrator!
The runs she did have, what a mess,
But he fingered her ass none the less,
She let out a huge "Yike",
He pulled his finger from the dike,
T'was not water that vented I'd guess!
Canadian Joe writes 12/20/98
The situation was trying and well, quite crass,
I fought the movement until the end,but alas,
Along the highway and overflowing with dread,
My bowels began to rear its ugly head,
I remove my sock and vigorously wipe my ass!
I began this with a huge expectation,
Of wildly concocted creation,
And though my block has now lifted,
My mind has since drifted,
To thoughts of satisfying masturbation!
The Sage thinks this is so close to being wonderful - but "satisfying" needs to be
replaced with a two-syllable word with an accent on the 2nd syllable to match the
scansion. Any good ideas out there?
In response, Bluebird suggested sublime, divine and superb. Matthew
liked divine as well. Steel Bishop chimed in with wondrous. Toast Point votes for sublime.
The Demos say: " Give him a pass "
Republicans say: " He's too crass! "
All things Clintonoidal
Are so hemmorroidhal
They're really a pain in the ass!
The poet comments, " Bill wonders: " Why are all those Congressmen putting on latex gloves? ""
A sprightly old bugger named Hackett
Had a cock shaped like a tennis racket
And one testicle only --
Which, whene'er he got lonely
He could toss in the air, and then whack it!
The poet comments, "Here's wishing a triple-x-mas to all of you smutty limericists..."
Miss Lewinsky, Miss Tripp and Ken Starr
Should be hung, all for going too far
Miss Trip screwed her friend
And for sooth, in the end
Ken and Monica paint us all with their tar.
The poet comments, "How do you define "comment"?"
As far as the contests go, the comment box can be used to convey any extra info either to just Toast Point and the Sage, or to the entire reading audience. Up to you, really!
A pendulous striker named Jade
Had a problem whenever she played.
When she jumped for a header
Her breasts often lead her.
So she headed with nipples displayed!
The poet comments, "is this PG? Maybe r17"
Taurus writes 12/16/98
They say that men will not make passes
At girls who are wearing their glasses
Unless they wear mini skirts
With bra-less see-thru shirts
And have most exceptional arses.
The poet comments, "Sorry, I had to borrow the first two lines."
Toast Point went in and did some editing to bring the limerick up to metrical code, 'cause
the idea had promise.
FCA writes 12/16/98
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
Four hundred lawyers there be.
"That thousands remain
On land", you complain,
But it makes a good start, you'll agree!
There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
And woke up with a fist full of goo!
Toast Point respectfully asks the submitter not to use ALL CAPS next time.
In Alanis’ new video depravity,
Morissette bares her genital cavity.
Some claim that it’s girth,
Has wobbled the Earth,
Due to its huge mass and gravity!
Santa: "Of Christmas I’m sick,
Those damn kids, and being Saint Nick!
My wife and the elves
Can go fuck themselves!
And Rudolph can suck on my dick!"
The poet comments, "Ha Bumbug!"
Modem Toad writes 12/14/98
There one was a lady named Mulva
Who had a tight and stretchy vulva.
When she would spread her legs
The guys would moan and beg
Until they excitedly exclaimed "Mulva, we Luv Ya!"
Jeff Weaver shares a classic 12/14/98
There one was an engineer named Jill
That researched a nuclear pill.
It blew her vagina
To North Carolina,
And her tits all the way to Brazil.
Fritz writes 12/12/98
There once was a man from Dundee
Who tried to pee up a tree
He peed so high
He peed in his eye
And now the old bugger can't see!
Conch writes 12/12/98
Would you call oral sex clean or dirtical,
Since today, it is incontrovertible
That it's modern and noble
To be upwardly mobile
Does that also include sexually vertical?
There once was a man named Bill Becker
An engineer for Black and Decker
His invention was cool
An incredible tool
He designed the rechargeable pecker!
The poet comments, "Keep on truckin'"
There once was a cop from West Chester
Pulled over a blonde to arrest her
He peeked in her shorts
Forgot about torts
And decided instead to molest her!
A friend of the man from Nantucket
Put all of his cash in a bucket
Paid it all to Madam
To buy some fresh clam
And was only allowed to suck it!
Chicago Jack shares a classic 12/11/98
There once was a man from Kent
His dick was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
So instead of coming, he went!
Mustafa X writes 12/11/98
Tyrone spied a mighty fine bitch.
He axed her if she’d scratch his itch.
The Ho dropped her drawers,
And got down on all fours,
And they fucked like two dogs in a ditch.
On a Florida Key, named Lido,
A sailor had a loaded torpedo.
Tourists screamed in fright,
At the thought that it might
Pop out the front of his Speedo.
One day while skating, Dick Button,
Was thinking of a young butt he'd like ruttin.
But as he tried a Triple Lutz,
He mangled his nuts.
Now Button will be ruttin nuttin!
A drug-using douchbag named Kevin
Got high, and was off in blue Heaven.
Then the dizzy-assed cuss,
Stepped in front of a bus,
The rest of the story at eleven.
O.D. shares a classic 12/10/98
There once was a man from Matras
Whose balls were made of fine brass
In stormy weather,
They clang together
And sparks flew out his ass!
Poppo writes 12/10/98
Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet
It'll make you throw up in the street
And it proves super fast
That Scott tissue don't last
'Cause it quickly becomes a spreadsheet.
Her suitors bring flowers, a-pickin’ some,
And admire her bosoms, a-lickin’ some,
She accepts hugs and kisses
To most orifices
But Emily prefers a dick-in-some.
The poet comments, "Happy birthday to the Belle of Amherst"
Two soldier boys, bold and brave were feeling their oats one day
So they went down to the local brothel to see what there
was to lay-
The lines were long, the tempers short, as madam quoted her prices to pay
Around the world, a handcar to town and other
sexual soirees!
Our lads were apprehensive until the first client came out,
He said, "Hold on tight to her ears lads! And she's got a helluva'
snout!"
The soldier boys had a change of heart when they spied the tart at the door.
Buzzing round her rear were a pack of nasty flies.
She also had four legs and a pair or beady eyes!
Our soldiers turned and ran! And almost flipped their wigs!
When the hooker they were waiting for, turned out to be a pig!
The poet comments, "Hope you like this it's based on my dad's true war adventure. See more of my work at the Starlite
Cafe poetry forum. Thank you!"
Conch writes 12/08/98
An English prof's incarceration,
In a jail on a lake caused frustration,
His only delight,
Monthly meets with his wife,
Would you call this penile conjugation?
From the voters to their legislation:
"Desist and just govern the nation
It's not your commission
To elicit contrition,
Your agenda is dip defecation!"
Observer writes 12/07/98
There once was a young man named West,
Who stayed as an overnight guest,
In a brothel in Spain,
"May I come back again,"
said he, "Will you keep me abreast?"
I once knew a girl named Ophelia,
She would guzzle ten shots of Tequila,
Then she'd line up the boys,
Tell them to get poised,
And then launch into "Hava Nagila!"
Conch writes 12/05/98
One midnight a copulant pair,
Was startled by someone else there,
The sudden intrusion
Was not an illusion
In the middle was lucky Pierre.
The poet comments, "The punch line of a very old joke was 'Lucky Pierre, always in the middle'.
Does anyone remember the joke?"
Anonymous writes 12/04/98
Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
I had to take a terrible pee,
And since the ocean is green,
And my pee won't be seen,
I think it's OK - you agree?
The poet comments, "Not very EC(environmently correct) is it?"
Larry M. writes 12/04/98
December, December, December,
Makes me just want to to dismember,
Each flocked Christmas tree,
Each Grinch that I see,
And Ebenezer's wrinkled old member!
The poet comments, "Bah Humbug!(clean or naughty?)"
Conch writes 12/04/98
If you've noticed a queue that's quite long
Titillation's the cause of the throng,
I give group interaction
And great satisfaction,
Due the permanent kink in my dong.
That's my business writes 12/04/98
There once was a girl from Eaton,
She really needed a beaten,
She always had to complain,
My temper I had to maintain,
And all others she was mistreatin'.
Conch writes 12/03/98
A horny satyrical peasant
Found sex with his girlfriend most pleasant,
When he stroked her bazoom
She lit up the room
Erotically flushed, incandescent!
Observer writes 12/02/98
An aggressive young lover named Pace
Spied a sweet little lass and gave chase.
He made Candace his bride,
Now his love he can't hide...
He's got Candy all over his face!
Nick Markov writes 12/02/98
There was a counsel named Starr
Who some say went too far
To avenge Mister Nixon
He put the fix on
Bill and his fabulous cigar.
The poet comments, "I call it Ken's Revenge."
Emy Star writes 12/02/98
There she stood, (Hillary)
Screaming, "Gonna tie his pecker to a tree!"
He's has no self control!
Now the whole world knows -
Gonna tie his pecker to a tree!
Why Monica, love your blue dress!
Boy, did your boss make a mess!
Didn't pay for the cleaning
His job lost its meaning
And his wife still is terrible at sex!
The poet comments, "limericks are fun"
The promotional campaign was a botch.
The ad manager? Under a suicide watch.
At Abercrombie and Fitch,
They screamed, Son of a Bitch!
'Cause the Ads read: Aberfimbie & Crotch.
That poor Man from Nantucket, much scorned, he
Hired a press agent and an attorney
To clear his reputation
For self-gratification --
He was sorely priapic, not horny!
The poet comments, "Thought I'd inaugurate a new month with news of an old friend, someone we've all know and love
over the decades (and I don't mean Sammy Davis, Jr.)...Seriously, you have consider the poor guy's feelings, Mssr. Toast
Point -- all those years he's the butt of so much laughter, and then you go and ban him from your contest to boot. Poor little
guy! O cruel Fate!"
Well, he himself is not banned, just his original limerick (which we all know by heart,
so why post it?) Sequels, especially good ones like these, are quite welcome.
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by Paul Westwood
Detective inspector Don Wrangler
Desperately hunted a strangler.
Because the evil beast
Did not care the least
If he used his hands or his dangler.
by Micheal Weinstein
"Alzheimer's? Ain't got it!" said Ben.
"I know who. I know where. I know when.
I know what I'm about.
And without a damn doubt.
I know...what was the question again?"
by Theo M. Heller
The husband, unzipping his fly,
Told his wife, "I must leave now, goodbye.
Although it sounds dumb,
The bank said to come;
That's the Mensa Sperm Bank, it's run dry."
by Bob Giandomenico
An auto-erotic display
Was "The Order of Onan" soiree.
It's members/supporters,
While viewed by reporters,
Sang the club theme song, "Wankers Array."
by Mark Levy
All my trials, I confess, I besmirch:
Born with evil, I sin while I search;
Now I've reached holy ground,
Since on TV I found
The Original Sin Lover's Church!
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
At times I have urges erotic
But recognize them as quixotic.
I swear someday that I
Will give it one more try
Though some of my parts are necrotic.
by Tom Patton
Robert Dole's age is no illusion.
Years ago he reached a conclusion.
Married the boss
Of the Red cross,
Just to get a free weekly transfusion.
by Al Chaplin
The Olympic contestants were keen,
The finest we ever have seen.
Their motto, we're told,
Was "GO FOR THE GOLD!"
But all of them went for the GREEN.
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
St. Nickolas said, "It's a drag;
Every Christmas Eve I start to sag.
To stay focused, on track,
I do knock a few back.
By Christmas Morn I'm in the bag."
by A. N. Wilkins
St. Augustine, never straight-laced,
When converted, prayed: "God, make me chaste.
Yet," he added though, "Lord,
It would be untoward
To do it with unseemly haste."
by Mark Levy
You'd think that by now I would learn.
In my room with my sister, LaVerne;
But my door doesn't lock
And my dad doesn't knock;
He's a pest when he thinks it's his turn.
by William N. Nesbit
"Have you sensed any strange titillation,"
Asked the doctor, "a tingling sensation?
Our staff surgeon is quizzing--
His new pager is missing
Since your recent gall stone operation."
by Al Chaplin
The lottery game is so clever;
It is billed as a worthwhile endeavor.
One son of a bitch
Will become filthy rich,
While the rest will be poorer than ever.
by William N. Nesbit
Said a sophomoric cheerleader, Kate,
"I can please all the jocks at Kent State.
Running backs, right away;
Linemen, later today;
But the coaches will just have to wait!"
by Mark Levy
Sure, I took a hiatus from rhyme,
But I can't say I had a nice time;
See, the air was too fresh,
(No allure of rank flesh)
It is here I belong, with the slime.
by Al Chaplin
"Paula Jones, lying nude, made me pale.
I refused her brash offer of tail.
He legs spread a bit
And I licked on her clit.
But I swear that I didn't inhale!"
by Bob Giandomenico
Through chapped lips, a gay Brit lipped on chaps,
Who lapped chips in a pub near the taps.
His teeth were a-snaggle,
So he left a gaggle
Of sore chaps with severely chipped laps.
by William N. Nesbit
It's not only on Halloween
That the dead from the graveyards are seen--
They abandon their holes
And report to the polls
To cast votes for Chicago's machine.
by Tom Patton
A woman by the name of Kelly
Used Spam instead of K-Y Jelly.
She finally gave birth;
To a boy of great girth,
With a tattoo, "Hormel"on his belly.
by Vassar Smith
It was style in men's clothing, my friends,
That sank poor Bob Dole with its trends.
When Hanes asked would-be chiefs
"You wear boxers or briefs?"
Bob replied, with a long pause, "Depends."
by Mark Levy
Every year I attend a square dance,
Women lust for us guys in tight pants;
So when it's all over,
We screw in the clover;
Last Friday I drowned fifty ants.
by Al Chaplin
Man conjured many reasons--a flood--
For Creation, but each was a dud.
God's masterful plan
For creating a man:
To supply his mosquito with blood.
by Norm Storer
A preacher, just back from a mission,
Admitted with pious contrition
That he'd failed as a priest
To save souls--but at least,
He had taught them a brand-new position.
by Kent B. Hale
Did you know, deer break wind as they fly?
Enough gas to light up the sky.
The air is so ripe
I can't light up my pipe.
It's enough to make old Santa Cry.
by Michael Weinstein
A cannibal cook, name of Bill,
Is clumsy sometimes 'round the grill.
He was fit to be tied
When the tit to be fried
Rolled out of his hands, down the hill.
by Michael Weinstein
While screwing a girl in Decatur,
Joe reached in and pulled out a vibrator.
"So that's," said Yvonne,
"Where the damned thing has gone."
Joe pulled out an old Coke bottle later.
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
I mislay things and it is a grind
For lost loves and lost car keys I've pined.
I've stopped trying to keep
Any track of lost sheep,
But what I miss most is my mind.
by Limber Limericks
Sir Reginald Tipton Delancy
Fell in love with a cutie named Nancy;
When she sat by his side,
She tickled his pride,
And Reginald tickled her fancy.
by Bob Giandomenico
Mrs. Dole told her husband, "You lack,
A great deal of finesse in the sack,
Furthermore, I am sick
Unto death of those Bic
Ball Point pen marks all over my back."
by Al Willis
She was built like the goddess called Venus;
As we watched, she revealed all her she-ness.
We almost boiled over,
But the show was soon over,
As we peeked through the keyhole, she seen us.
by Arthur Deex
A amorous M. A.
Said of Cupid, the C. D.,
"Sometimes for a joke
He picks the wrong bloke;
Jimmy Swaggart that P.T."
by Irving Superior
When waistline and trousers don't fit,
And wider the whereon we sit.
When gone is our lithe
We must contend with
From forward to downward the teat.
by Evelyn Bogen
She lost cash when she bought above par;
She lost cases she tried at the bar;
But she'll frankly admit
She enjoyed losing IT
In the bumpy back seat of a car.
by David Finely
Brother John needs to show some contrition.
He's been practicing native coition.
Such carnal desire
We can scarcely admire,
When he's failing to teach our position.
by William N. Nesbit
Brother Brad's unconventional style
In converting a pagan, nubile,
Is to lay her supine,
Mount her, chanting a line
From the Gospel of Luke all the while.
by Al Chaplin
Said a fancier of horses named Finney,
"I will date a young girl if she's skinny.
But before we can lay
I expect her to neigh.
And after we're through, she must whinny."
by Al Chaplin
Said a naive young lady named Huff,
"Avoiding a child is not tough.
You'll have good sex for years,
Without worry or fears.
Just make sure you don't swallow the stuff.
by Charles E. Midlam
She called up her girlfriend to say
That her life was in sad disarray.
"I caught hubby Fred
Making love on the bed."
"That's great, I got mine the same way."
by Al Chaplin
Little Red Riding Hood met bad luck
When out of the blue, the wolf struck.
"I will eat you, " he said,
Which upset Little Red,
"What's the matter, does nobody fuck?"
by Al Willis
This buxom young lass from Biarritz
Had pumpkins where most girls have tits.
They were big, soft, and round,
And just touched the ground,
And this is as good as it gets.
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
To the driver's seat "Rosie" could climb,
The best teamster on Parsely's Stage Line.
At route's end in the West
Was heard, (you have guessed?)
"Parsley's stage and Rosemary's on time."
by Al Willis
She gambles, 'cause money's her goal.
But at times, she just loses control.
She hides cards in her bra,
And once, in the raw,
She was found with an ace in the hole.
by Al Willis
His baby was born rather late;
Four pounds was the actual weight.
The kid was so thin,
It caused him chagrin.
He barely recovered his bait.
by J. Mayhood
Homo sapiens may not respect us
But we women have guile to protect us;
With the wink of an eye
We can transmogrify
Homo sap. into Homo erectus.
by Bob Giandomenico
In a brothel, two dykes asked, with snickers,
For an underaged girl with no knickers.
Their request was denied
When the madame replied,
"We won't serve a minor to lickers."
by Arthur Deex
Spake the Lord God from atop the mount,
"Take heed lest thou openly flaunt
Heavy metal and leather,
Dog collar and tether--
Pat Boone, watch out, I'm keeping count."
by Don Moore
On the beach, a young girl of New York,
Wore a swim suit that made mens' necks torque.
Though to call it a suit
Is a point that is moot,
Being just two Band Aids and a cork.
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
Revealing his sketches, Jacques Souder
Said, "Of these gowns I couldn't be prouder.
With backs cut to new lows
To the point, I'll expose
Two additional cheeks they can powder.
by Irving Superior
The jeans of today--anti-rape.
So tight that you're less than your shape.
No shrink guarantee
And one company
In its ads says "no fart can escape."
by Irving Superior
The minute you enter her room,
it's as though an exotic perfume
That makes you recall--
A few, but not all--
Of many an lady friend's womb.
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