The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from September, 1997
from Poets Who Probably Studied with Marv Albert!
Unfortunate timing
had Alice
With a vegetable substitute phallus.
Tweedle Dee in her hiney,
Mushroom stopped, she got tiny,
Leaving her wiser, butt callus.
Toast Point tweaked it a bit...
Unfortunate timing had Alice
With a vegetable substitute phallus...
This very big dong
Is at least two feet long
The harlot, they say, is from Dallas.
and writes
When we necked,
I thought, "My, how she's sweating."
But her warmth and her zeal were offsetting.
Then, at the splashdown
It was then that I found
That she had a big problem: bedwetting!
DButt writes 09/30/97
Why is that whip in your closet?
Wanting a penile deposit?
I admit it'd be nice,
Cause my pecker's like ice!
A good whipping usually thaws it!
Jimbo writes
09/29/97
Unfortunate timing had Alice
With a vegetable substitute phallus...
The poet comments, "Here's two lines - a new game. Enjoy!"
Poets who wish to take up the challenge, send a quickie e-mail to
Toast Point.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose hiney got stuck in a bucket
To blast it apart
He let out a fart
But three people were too late to duck it!
Writerman writes 09/29/97
While receiving some great oral sex
I take sips from a bottle of Becks
And while lost in a daze then
I remember the days when
The sex was as good as the Becks!
Queen of the Jungle
In the heart of the jungle lived Ryan
The world's one and only GAY lion
The prospect of his service
Did render most nervous
Each male animal he had his eye on!
There once was a man named Saton
Who cooked lots of human bacon
He Destroyed them all
And watched them fall
Because they were all forsakon.
The poet comments, "i love poetic license.....hehehehehehe"
There once was a time of Death
It was coming for a Beth
It will burn her soul
In a hellish hole
And will take her final breathe.
The poet comments, "hehehehehehehehehe.....i have....more....lots...more...where
this came from...hehehehehehe"
Oh, joy...
The Queen has herself
in a pickle!
Besides treating Di like a dickhole,
Now there's shots on T.V.,
Of Her Highness at tea,
Using her arshole to pick up a nickel!
Toast Point tweaked it a bit.
Cruelty Jones writes 09/28/97
He was scratching his ass with a finger.
Being bored, he decided to linger,
To explore for awhile,
A medium sized pile,
And a boil that was a super humdinger!
A lady with multiple
piercings
Wore navel- and eyebrow- and ear-things.
During sex they would squeak
With a rhythm, and peak
At the same time as you and the bedsprings!
I'm bathing in oil - care to join me?
It helps cure this spot on my loin, see?
It's my social life's ruin:
This spot got from screwin'
The wrong orifice in a donkey!
The poet comments, "Very tough one."
I hear that your "thing" is tremendous
Of a magnitude that just might send us
O'er a sexual cliff-
But only if stiff!
If it's soft - from such fates, please defend us!
Said the leatherman
to his admirer -
A young boy who sang in the choir -
"The church we attend
Had my soul on the mend,
But my afterlife now looks much direr!"
I want something new for my pleasure
I could collect coins, or hunt treasure;
There's football, and dance,
Origami, and stamps...
Hey, this lim'rick's too clean by a measure!
The poet comments, "I'll be naughtier next time."
He said that he hated the Queen.
He included the word, "Vaseline."
The word was not "duck,"
And nor was it "pluck."
The word that he used was obscene!
The poet comments, "This was almost clean. "
I'll admit, dammit, I was self-taught;
And I never could tie a square knot.
I get lost when downtown,
And I drive 'round and 'round;
And I never could find the G-spot.
The poet comments, "Never give up."
Oddo Von Schlong writes 09/26/97
Where the hell are the limericks I made
I fear they did not make the grade
Submit them I did
Like a giggling kid
Of rejection I think I'm afraid
The poet comments, "Tried youe email but could not contact the server.
Guess there's more than one way to "skin a toast point"?"
Naw, just hadn't posted 'em yet. They're below...
Dave Shmave shares a classic 09/25/97
There once was a widow from Nice
Who kept her late husband on ice.
"It's been hard since I lost him,
I'll never defrost him.
Cold comfort but cheap at the price."
Why is that whip
in your closet?
A new sexual bridge! Shall I cross it?
I want something new
For my pleasure, it's true;
But if that's your best offer, I'll toss it!
The poet comments, "Ooh, these lines look like fun!"
A very odd gent
name of Crockett
Stuck his erection into a light socket.
He'd riccochet off the walls,
And set fire to his balls,
But it would make him come like a rocket!
Lick-er-itch writes 09/25/97
There once was a man named Jack
He could pack a whole lot in his sack
One day in bed with a fat whore
Jack found himself on the floor
And ended up fucking the door.
Oddo Von Schlong writes 09/25/97
A one-eyed old whore named Lou
Claimed there's nothing that she wouldn't do
She popped out her eye
While she pleasured some guy
Saying "Come back! I'll keep an eye out for you!"
A lady with multiple piercings
Denying she leaked rather fiercely
Checked all of her holes
And even some moles
Her contentions thereby endorsing.
The poet comments, "Tough rhyme!"
You're right. We'll see what others come up with....
Why is that whip
in your closet?
My suspicions it does surely posit
Preferred is black leather
But i'd like to know whether
The tip is single or really composite
The poet comments, "Cat 'o nine tails anyone?"
Said the leatherman to his admirer
My last partner I had to fire her
I asked "take off your hood"
but it did me no good
for I found I could no longer desire her!
A man that we'll call Bob Little
Whose wife's pussy he did love to diddle
Declared with a screech
"It used to look like a peach
But became a cowpie with a track up the middle!
I hear that your
"thing" is tremendous
The very thought of it does over bend us
While hung over a chair
With our ass in the air
To receive the "bolognus stupendous"!
I want something
new for my pleasure
36 "D" at least they should measure
Pert and pretty they'd stand
And conform to my hand
No "sunken chest" for this pirate's treasure!
The poet comments, "Yarrgggh Matey!"
I'm bathing in oil - care to join me?
While I'm slippery, greasy and oily
I could slide 'cross the floor
Maybe right out the door
But for God's sake just don't try to boil me!
Al Willis shares a classic 09/25/97
They say it's according to Hoyle:
Before you should dipstick her oil,
It's OK to tease,
But remember disease,
And be sure to wrap it in foil!
The poet comments, "Ouch!"
HOKE shares a classic 09/24/97
There was a young lady from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, Sporting section and all!
The Convivial Codfish writes 09/24/97
There was an old god named Thor
Who left all the maidens sore.
But when he met Sif,
He took her to wif,
And now he gets it no more!
Now I lay me down to masturbate--
I pray you let me elaborate:
I lick and I stroke,
I prod and I poke,
Just like ev'ry girl without a mate.
CB writes 09/23/97
Well-groomed Wanda
betook her the trouble
Of maintaining hairstyles double.
Above, she'd insist
On a stylish French Twist,
But she coiffed up her cunt in a bubble!
Toast Point lights up at CB's return.
Gecko writes 09/23/97
A charming young
girl called Felicity,
Is renowned for her twat's elasticity.
Both the thick and the slim
Fit her capable quim.
A remarkable feat of duplicity!
A gallant young cocksman called Nick
Is known for his prehensile prick.
He'll take the thing out,
And wave it about
Without using his hands... What a trick!
The poet comments, "Only limerick I've ever seen with prehensile
in the 2nd line."
Lisa writes 09/22/97
There once was a
man from Newcastle
Who wrapped up a shit in a parcel
He sent it by train
With a note to explain
That it came from his grandmothers arsehole!
No-no shares a classic 09/22/97
A smattering of applause could be heard,
When the carney ate the fresh turd.
And to keep from choking,
While his dick he was stroking,
He drank urine, shaken, not stirred!
There was a Frenchman
by the name of Pierre,
With a protrusion in his underwear.
His girl said, "What's zis?"
He replied, "You mean dis?
I sink eet is called Debonair!"
Anonymous writes 09/22/97
A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris
If not for publicity would surely be penniless
She seized on a chance
Put on her "man" pants
Now to her the ratings are quite generous!
Yesterday writes 09/22/97
My vibrator's battery's dying!
My husband used it too much last night.
I told him to save some for me
But he just didn't listen
So I told him to find another man.
The poet comments, "Ha Ha. The guy's s'posed to be gay."
Bah! Learn to rhyme.
ODDO VON SCHLONG writes 09/22/97
While the end of the month draws near
I sit here scratching my rear
For a phrase just to "turn"
Or a concept to spurn
I'll forget which finger that was, is my fear!
In a lather all slippery and thick
Earnestly 'trimming my wick'
In a slurry of foam
When there's nobody home
No one cares cares how fast I wash my dick!
A dog was busy licking his crotch,
And he thought to himself, "What a Botch!
I keep showing my owner.
How to treat my boner,
But he'd rather just sit there and watch!"
"So tell us, does
size really matter?"
Said the bride to her seamstress and hatter.
"Five and an eighth -
You'd have to have faith;
But a seven will make you much gladder!"
Gay quarterbacks, keeping in mind
That a ballgame won is the best kind,
Will use a pump fake
For the linebacker's sake,
And then they will come from behind!
The poet comments, "'Tis the season."
I would say that
they have quite an aura.
In Texas or in Bora Bora.
They're called "curly gates";
Just ask your bedmates.
I refer to the labia majora!
On the bridge they
got out of their Jeep
And unzipped without nary a peep
One with ego quite bold
Claimed the water was cold
And the other said "Yeah, and it's deep."
Ah, a classic!
Ten wrong numbers and he's really sick
The next caller would get quite a trick
When it rings he says "Hi"
"May I please speak with Vi?"
"She can't talk, in her mouth is my dick."
The poet comments, "The idea was from Danny DaVito in the movie "Ruthless
People." He just loves wrong numbers so he can say something obscene to
the caller."
Cruelty Jones writes 09/17/97
It's said that 'ol
Wally Cox
Had an asshole as good as a box.
I'v heard those who tried it,
Could never deny it,
Ask Brando, the silly old fox!
If the "Politically
Correct" had their druthers
We'd only say kind things 'bout our "Brothers".
Never mind that our "Brothers",
Think we're "Fuckers of Mothers",
And the "Politically Correct" more so than others!
To disprove the charge he was gutless,
A drunken pirate with a cutlass,
Started swinging it around,
Up, over, and down,
Swish Swack! He was buttless and nutless!
Jesse Helms is
a nasty old prune.
His face surely isn't rough-hewn.
In fact, the fascist fucker's,
Face tends to pucker,
Like he's been sippin' cold piss off a spoon!
The poet comments, "Glad you are back. Hope you have been having
fun. J."
Oh, oodles.
Anonymous writes 09/17/97
My vibrator's battery's
dying!
My husband's not here and I'm crying
To generate the watts
We need for our twats
A generator is what we'll be buying!
The poet comments, "Ooo I was naughty"
In order to shorten the stasis
And avoid wearing painful knee braces
Do not read magazines
When you visit latrines
Shit, wipe and see how time races!
We necked until she became wet.
Then we worked up a great deal of sweat.
I was forced to propose.
Then she stopped her no-nos,
And now she's about to beget!
"My lord" said the wench to her master
My dental work is a painful disaster
My throat is so raw
And so is my jaw
It would help if your dick were not plaster!
The poet comments, "Confusedus say "man who wishy-washy have dirty
clothes on.""
A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris
Used spam to excite her clitoris
Until it turned green
She got nasty and mean
But she knows just how deep her closet is.
The poet comments, "Stuff happens, it's a verb."
There once was a boy from New Brunswick
Who had a very large stunstick
With the stick he would whack
What he'd caught in his sack
The whole thing was enough to make dung sick.
The poet comments, "You said nothing against New Brunswick...How
shameful."
Bill Clinton, a man of the times
Would fuck women or men or street mimes
Like a sex craven glutton
With the executive button
Could fuck us all ten thousand times.
The poet comments, "Times with times, oh well consider me a pop singer."
A prostitute earning a buck,
Was just laying down for a fuck.
When in strolled her dad,
Who said, "I've been had!"
But he still gave his penis to suck!!
The poet comments, " I just thought of this one off the top of my
head (no, not THAT one, you perverts)! Enjoy!"
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 09/15/97
Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum,
There's only two ways, and I'll quote 'em:
Just fill in the seams
With unguents and creams,
Or else in red wine you can float 'em!
The poet comments, "Thanks to Mido for pointing out this opening
line."
Desiring an unwrinkled
scrotum,
The people elected von Grotum.
As a rep he had mettle,
And in finest fettle
He'd bare his smooth balls and he'd vote 'em!
"Nope, wanna use
one of my own"
Said the guy to the chick who lay prone
"Sure your dildo is bigger
But the way that I figger...
You can save THAT for sex on the phone!"
Og wins another award, this time for making art out of the mundane.
Ms. P writes 09/13/97
A Prince must never be taken for granted.
I was swept off my feet and enchanted!
Oh, what a chum,
They said he would cum.
Thus a seed was planted!
The poet comments, "Conception memoir of child number one."
There lived a man who was good with his putter.
But he kept his mind in the gutter.
He had a wife to fetch his balls.
To keep her out of the valley of dolls.
Then he asked her to rub them with butter!
The poet comments, "Happy Birthday to a golfer friend."
LoandBhold writes 09/13/97
A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris
Was aghast at the cast when her piss
Turned a thick spermlike hue
She knew just what to do
She brought a fucking suit against ten of us!
The poet comments, "Sorry, didn't do this on a lap-top!"
There once was a man from Sioux Falls
Who walked around scratching his balls
When a sexy dame would pass
He'd shift to scatching his ass
Then doff his Dick, and yell "Yo, Babe, hold my calls"
The poet comments, "Can't help it if this Dakotoan's a repeater
Best I can do is put a quarter in his meter!"
I'd advise a nice
club and two balls,
As this is a game that enthralls.
If your club is quite large,
Charge a buck, covercharge,
And display it at one of the malls!
My vibrator battery's
dying...
Which is a bummer, I am not denying.
It gives me a lift
Such an erogenous gift
That I simply find...ELECTRIFYING!!!
The poet comments, "I thought this was cute."
So tell us, does size really matter?
Is it better when thinner or fatter?
I think it depends whether
You are using a feather
Or if you like YOURS on a platter.
Mido writes 09/09/97
Desiring an unwrinkled
scrotum,
He whirled like a human teetotum;
The centrifugal force
Stretched the skin out, of course,
But the dizziness finally smote 'im!
The poet comments, "Since there were no fresh limericks last month,
I was reading over the old ones, and found this downright daunting first
line."
That first line has inspired some of our finest!
We welcome you back
from vacation
With lots of creative elation!!!
We hope that your holidays
Were restful and jolly days
Not frivilous masturbation!!!
Actually, they were restful and jolly because of... well...
never mind...
That Caesar was quite a barbarian
His huge cock gave most gals an ovarian--
When too small was her yummy
He'd go in through her tummy---
Creating the world-famous "Caesarian!"
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 09/07/97
"Please help me!"
the young man demanded;
"I leave myself feeling quite stranded
"When I masturbate.
"It's supposed to feel great,
"But I can't do it right, I'm left-handed!"
The poet comments, "Good to see you back!"
"In the honeymoon
suite, we'll have wine.
We'll loosen our clothes and recline.
Our blood will run hot
And we'll be hot to trot
And then they will meet, yours and mine."
The poet comments, "What does Rhubarb Pentatette mean?"
Pentatette
is a limerickal archive. Rhubarb is the kind gentleman who extracts samples
from it for us to enjoy.
JT writes 09/06/97
A sextet of nymphs
and a satyr
Made love in a stalled elevator.
In the foyer, the hall,
In the tub, 'gainst the wall,
And inside the refrigerator!
Out shopping, my
wife and I went.
To spend all my dough, her intent.
I said with sarcasm:
"It's like an orgasm."
And she spent and she spent and she spent!
Oddo Von Schlong writes 09/05/97
A silly young lad from Frisco
"Spanked his monkey" with handfuls of Crisco
He cried with alarm
I was large as my arm
Now where in the hell did my dick go?
Use the previous limerick as warning
When dating "Rosie Palm" if you're horny
Heed the story I wrote
As a signaling note
And don't "flog your Dolphin" with shortening!
The poet comments, "Derived from an old wives tail, Oops! that's
tale"
"My lord" said the wench to her master
You'll explode if you hump any faster!
So he then turned her over
To imitate Rover
And thus became a much longer laster!
Oddo Von Schlong writes 09/04/97
There was a young girl from down under
Who says eating her could be a blunder.
When asked just quite why
She turns over and sighs
Spreading her ass cheeks asunder.
The Frenchmen just love to drink wine,
And their thoughts they are free to opine.
One woman I met,
Whose name was Colette,
Said, "I just adore sixty-nine."
The poet comments, "Dream on."
Conan the Librarian writes 09/03/97
Although some might
think it too crass
To smell what emerged from his ass
She gave it some tries
And found in surprise
'Twas a pleasant and savory gas!
I understand just how you're feeling:
The insects are thick on the ceiling.
Let me give them a taste
Of my rear's gaseous waste!
To their deaths they will soon all be reeling.
He announced, "I'm the world's greatest master
And at farting there's no greater blaster!"
And she caught not a whiff
Though so hard would she sniff
For, by God, he had blown it right past her!
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette
archives
The August Bunch
by Ann Gasser
Was our engineer wise and all knowing?
Was creative juice actually flowing?
I'm not sure it was cool
To give Man just one tool
To use for both coming and going.
by Ann Gasser
And I think there was some mental slump
In planning our crotch and our rump;
Why did powers-that-be
Arbitrarily
Build the playground so close to the dump.
by Ann Gasser
And before our physique critique passes;
Our designers werren't totally asses:
Just see -- it appears
They lined up nose and ears
As a great way for hanging one's glasses.
by Ann Gasser
We're not perfect as one might supppose,
Our blueprints show both highs and lows;
But let's not be whiners,
I laud our designers,
Our exhaust pipe is far from our nose.
by A.N. Wilkins
A neurotic was in a sad plight
When he visited his shrink one cold night,
A doctor named Purdy,
To ask, "Is sex dirty?"
He said, "Just if you do the thing right."
by Bob Giandomenico
At a singles bar sultry Annette
Came on like a tempting coquette,
When a fellow named Kline
Asked her what was her sign,
She smiled and said, "Slippery When Wet."
"Well-a-day!" I must sigh with remorse,
"Our affair has at last run its course,
Farewell, Sagittarius,
You fairy nefarious!"
(What a shame - he was hung like a horse...)
by Bob Giandomenico
In a hand-crocheted swim suit, form fitting,
To the waves she gaily went flitting;
Then emerged soaking wet
Leaving men in a sweat,
When they saw how she stuck to her knitting.
by Bob Giandomenico
There once was a trucker named Gouch
As a driver this guy was no slouch.
A clean slate he compiled,
Once avoiding a child;
He pulled out and fell off the couch.
by A.N. Wilkins
Ronald Reagan, they say, from the start
Had so mastered the horseperson's art
That today he perforce
Seems part of the horse,
But what they don't say is which part.
by Bob Giandomenico
"I've a hot itchy nooky," Miss Wyke
Told the trucker she'd met on the pike.
"That's a shame," said the lout
"But you must point it out.
Foreign cars to me all look alike."
by Phil Cannibal
A cautious old priest, Father Coombs,
Checked the cunt of a nun in the tombs.
When he sniffed at her chasm
He went into a spasm
And died from the vaginal fumes.
by Bob Giandomenico
We all adore dear Father Dunn;
Of secular traits has but one.
He is pius and meek
And for six days a week
Dines on meat but on Fridays has nun.
by Bob Giandomenico
A Scotsman told me, "It's uncanny;
On top of a lorry, my fanny
Rose and fell in the breeze.
I was striving to please
For the Laurie I trucked was named Annie."
by Michael Polo
In the woods he was caught in a bind.
"I must crap!" the dumb Polack had whined.
So he had to depend
On advice from a friend --
"Use a dollar to wipe your behind!"
by Michael Polo
When the Polack was through in due time,
He returned with his hands full of grime.
Said his friend, "You dumb fuck!
I said use a buck,
Not three nickels, six bits, and a dime!"
by A.N. Wilkins
Because of his kite's jerky flight,
They suggested "You need more tail." "Right"
The Polack said, "Though
When I tole my wife so,
She told me to go fly a kite."
by Phil Cannibal
A well-to-do Polack was Schnops --
The shithouse he lived in was tops --
A two-holer converted,
Like new, he asserted,
And the basement was leased to some Wops.
by Larry Wilde
It's easy to be full of glee
When your bra is a 42-D.
But the gal worthwhile
Is the gal who can smile
With bosoms the size of a pea.
by Ann Gasser
Their motel room, said gays Reese and Bates,
Was magnificent, well worth top rates;
They had breakfast in bed
And the bagels, they said,
Made simply marvelous quoits.
by Arthur Deex
Mused a fellow who languished in jail,
"I will make, ere I leave, without fail,
The prison chess team,
The warden's wife scream,
An appeal, my two cellmates, and bail."
by Arthur Deex
Said a perderast in cellblock three,
"I'm as happy as I ever could be.
On the outside, it's rough
To get half enough --
Inside, the judge sends them to me."
by William K. Alsop
A mermaid is a dish
Who always makes you wish
When she ascends,
That both her ends
Were either flesh or fish.
by Bob Giandomenico
Barbara says when on oysters they sup
George behaves like an oversexed pup.
And in bed when they hop
He is always on top,
'Cause the prez doesn't like to screw up.
by Dick Buenger
A maxim, though wicked, I'd guage,
Has a punch line unnervingly sage.
All women, they say
Are like dog turds since they
Are picked up with more ease as they age.
by Irving Superior
In researching miscegenation,
This black girl made this observation,
"When off goes the light,
There's no black or white
Excepting your ejaculation."
by Bob Giandomenico
A girl who while slightly besotted,
In a zucchini patch blithly squatted.
Nine months later, by gosh,
She gave birth to a squash
And several house plants that were potted.
by Bob Giandomenico
Andrew Jackson's wife had 'neath her frock
A pudendum the size of a crock.
When her doctor asked why,
She could only reply,
"It's Old Hickory's dickery, Doc."
by Frank E. Day
When I took the duchess to tea,
Boldly I put my hand on her knee.
She cried "Heavens above,"
I said, "I know my love,
But I must be at work by three."
by Bob Giandomenico
A not-too-bright girl from Biloxi
Once douched with a tube of epoxy;
Frustrating the entry
Of neighborhood gentry
Who then used her rear as a proxy.
by Bob Giandomenico
A daft elfin lady complained
Of pains in her groin when it rained.
A carpenter friend
Brought her plight to an end
When the tops of her storm boots he planed.
by Arthur Deex
We all know St. Francis' prayer...
And Nathan Hale's words of despair,
But which diplomat
Said, "What the hell's that?"
The answer? Hiroshima's mayor.
by Bob Giandomenico
With the thought that perhaps he'd evoke
Her desire to give it a stroke,
In the dark placed her hand
On his tool at proud stand,
But she said softly, "Thanks, I don't smoke."
by Bob Giandomenico
Getting orders reversed was the foil
Of a nurse on the ward, dumb Miss Coyle.
Things came to a head
Claimed her boss Dr. Shedd
When he told her to prick a man's boil.
by Bob Giandomenico
A vacuous coed named Mandrill
Took on the whole band after band drill,
By the stands in the grass.
First the reeds then the brass,
Then a maintenance man with a hand drill.
by A.N. Wilkins
Because of the kite's jerky flight,
They informed him, "You need more tail." "Right,"
Ben Franklin said, "Though
When I told my wife so,
She said I should go fly a kite."
by Al Chaplin
The tree raised by botanist Claude
Was taught to write poems (but how odd!).
But the tree, though a poet,
Was a fool and we know it,
For only a man could make God.
by Arthur Deex
Shouldst thou write verses Satanic
Thy troubles wilt blossom titanic.
By the olive and fig,
Vile infidel pig,
Thou wilt need a gonadal mechanic.
by Bob Giandomenico
"Early rising," Ben Franklin once said,
"Makes for health, wealth, and wisdom," I've read.
Those who bed or rise late
I suppose have the fate
Of winding up poor, dumb, and dead.
by Bob Giandomenico
This airline had clients excited;
Their stockholders, too, are delighted.
Their commercials declare,
"If you travel by air,
Spread our friendly thighs, fly united!"
by Dick Buenger
There's Master at golf and Dutch art,
Master sailors who ken every chart.
The true master it seems
Is the one who eats beans,
Then while voiding can piss and not fart.
by Jane D. Hughes
Lord...'cause of his powerful urgin'
I agreed to just one time of mergin'.
'Though it's after the fact,
May I uninteract
And please be a born-again virgin?"
by Jane D. Hughes
She said she was feeling just swell;
He suggested, "Good, let's raise some hell!"
"Can't Honey, at eight
I've a GYN date."
So he asked, "With your dentist as well?"
by Laurence Perrine
When I offered my cousin unique
Instruction in kissing technique,
And swore my instruction
Stopped short of seduction --
I spoke with my tongue in her cheek.
by Michael Polo
Ms. Bryant once sold orange juice.
Anita loathed gays on the loose.
But she said, in one form,
That if gay were the norm,
God would have made Adam and Bruce.
(Anita Bryant, singer and bible banger)
by Michael Weinstein
"This new autopilot," said Fritz,
The captain, "Does all I do; it's
Amazing!" Said Lil,
The stewardess, "Will
It goose me and feel up my tits?"
by Jane D. Hughes
The proboscis you flaunt isn't cricket.
Could be best described "sticky wicket."
Your nose does repel
Perhaps 'twill rebel
And if it goes on strike? Picket!
by Ann Gasser
Said an old Brooklyn whore, Edna Coyle,
"I've been at this since I was a goil.
Now I creak and I squeak,
So at least once a week,
I must douche with a quart of Pennzoil!"
by Martin Wellborn
Count Dracula, rude scallawag,
Remarked to the scrawny old hag,
"I'm off to the village
For carnage and pillage --
And I've no time for chewing the rag."
by Martin Wellborn
An old flyer with genital twitch
Paid a bimbo to relieve his itch.
As one tit slipped out
Of her black bra -- his shout!
"Wiley Post, you old son of a bitch!"
by Don Moore
The Pope knew his desire was a sin.
"I'll fulfill it!" he vowed with chagrin.
So he prayed to St. Paul if
He might got to Mount Olive...
But Popeye about did him in.
by Bob Giandomenico
Bloodthirsty, with fangs all afleck,
The witless vampire said, "Heck"
But saw cause to hearten,
He found Dolly Parton
And bit her -- the fool! -- ON THE NECK!
(Dolly Parton - late 20 century big-boobed country singer)
by Ann Gasser
In the shrine where a deity sits,
She prayed she could live by her wits;
Her petition, somehow,
Got garbled and now
She's a stripper with E-cup site tits.
by Cliff Rather
There was a young lady named March
Whose mien was exceedingly arch,
But her breastwork dimensions
Would be helped by attentions
From either brassiere or some starch.
by Number Two
Motorcyclists Sally and Kent,
Long saddles, they thought heaven-sent.
She'd sit backwards to front,
Kent's cock in her cunt,
And come while she watched where she went.
by Jim Jambor
Our transaction, Pastor, we'll firm up.
And then we must get your worm up.
Fleet time flies
Before your eyes,
And you'll find your half-hour term up.
by Martin Wellborn
Gay fundamental espirit
Is reflected in Vatican III;
"God made, I believe,
First Adam then Eve,
And then that strange fruit in the tree."
by Bob Giandomenico
With his steno a pastor named Pfaff
Once committed a sexual gaffe.
For so says the Bible,
That thou are held liable
For putting thy rod in thy staff.
by Bob Giandomenico
Through the woods rabbits lustily flit
Just as fast as their legs will permit.
Fornicating non-stop,
They go hippity-hop;
If they're French, they go lickety-split.
by Ann Gasser
Said a cryptic old vampire named Mattie,
"I always try not to be catty,
But I've known old Count Drac,
He's not bad in the sack,
Though inclined to be a bit batty.
by Arthur Deex
In the remake of "Gone With The Wind"
On a cotton bale Miss Scarlett sinned --
Not with Rhett Butler
But a suave Yankee sutler,
With both cotton and Scarlett well ginned.
by Number Two
"Can you tell," asked a groom from Khartoum,
"An elephant fart from saloon?"
A shout from the far room:
"A saloon's just a bar room --
An elephant's fart is BAR-ROOOOOM!"
by Number Two
To knock up a girl from Trieste,
One method has proven the best.
You really can't lose;
Jack off on her shoes,
And then let the flies do the rest!
by Arthur Deex
There was a young harlot named Roxie
Who filled up her box with epoxy.
She said, somewhat pensive,
"They'll find it expensive
To pay ransome to get back their jock, see."
by Arthur Deex
A lady of pleasure named Joan
Drives around with a cellular phone.
She explains it is cheaper
Than using a beeper
And it doesn't deplete the ozone.
by Arthur Deex
A rodeo grand prize, so I've heard,
Has been wone by an indigent Serb
Who amassed a high score --
A 99.4 --
And thought that 'cow poke' was a verb.
by A.W. Edwards
Perhaps this may seem very poor of me,
But I'm curious from the deepest core of me:
Of Sodomy we know,
But why is it so
That we never hear of GOMORRAHMY.
by Bob Giandomenico
Crossing onions with donkeys implies
You'll get onions with long ears, Suprise!
Though your chances decrease
If you try for a piece
Of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
by Arthur Deex
There was a young girl in the chips
Who was fond of rotating her hips.
She would take on a gent
And discount ten percent
For insider stock market tips.
by Phil Cannibal
Blessed Mary, once harlot, did seek
To be cleansed in a manner unique.
Holy Ghost fucked her, then
Made her virgin again.
I can show you his very technique.
By Anonymous
Are those bountiful mammaries real?
"Of course," the girl said, "Want to feel?
They are soft to the touch,
But I wonder...Too much?
That I splurged on the three-for-one deal?"
Note from Toast Point - this originated here, as did several
others of these.
With his last dying breath cried the ocelot,
"Being wrapped in these coils hurts an offa' lot.
I've made a mistake
In judging this snake.
I'd thought that boas were a docile lot".
by Actaeon
An oversexed lady name Myrtle
Would screw all the time with a turtle.
She'd put on a shell,
And tease him like hell,
And onto her back he would hurdle.
by Al Willis
While in China my folks were agog
When they first heard this strange dialog:
"Did you go to the store?"
"No, I'll go about four.
And after, I must wok the dog."
by Alan Chilver
I posted my girl a love letter.
I told her that I loved her better.
"Better than what?"
She asked quite a lot,
Till I said, "Dear, better than Greta."
by Bob Leclerc
A lady from down Amarillo
Had sex with a rusty old Brillo.
She ruined her clit
And can't even sit,
Unless she is using a pillow.
Those long lovely legs on Ms. Fitz,
I'd sure like to see where they quits.
I know it's somewhere
In a soft patch of hair,
Just north of the place where she sits.
by Crazy Legs
"So tell us, does size really matter?"
Asked the boys during playful chit-chatter.
"Any size, five to nine,"
She answered, "is fine.
Though my preferences lean toward the latter."
(I don't think I could take one that's fatter)
by Donna B
Yes crude is the limericks's intent,
And lewd at its best we consent.
But us ladies of breeding,
When doing the reading,
Heard most of them in the convent.
by Henry Mucha
Rosetta Cody, cryptologist,
Wed Bob Stone, archeologist.
After marriage, her name
She changed and became
Rosetta Stone, an Egyptologist.
by J. Patrick Adams
A militant daughter of Muffet
Chose to reclaim the family tuffet.
The bold plan of that kid
Was find the arachnid
And catch it and kill it and stuff it!
by John Miller
A beauty with charm was my Jane;
Personality, looks, and a brain!
Yet she lived free from sin
(I could not get it in.)
I'll not bother to see her again.
by John Miller
What! Adults don't have any fun?
Why, at forty, life's barely begun!
You're just starting to know
How to squander your dough
On every vice under the sun!
by Anonymouse
I know I must be wrong,
I cannot love Ping-pong;
I cannot sing
In praise of ping;
I have no song for pong.
by Stabbe
A young little lady called Lucy
Was inventive as ever a floozy.
A machine in her nose
Cried out, "Thar she blows!"
On oral jobs in the Jacuzzi!
By Younger Brother
"My Lord," said the wench to her master,
"I'm floored by the stench of your ass, sir!
You've promoted the fart
Into museum art!
It's adored!" said the wench. So he gassed her.
The September Bunch
by A. N. Wilkins
"Your most pious bishops are ones
Who never just sit on their buns,"
Caesare Borgia once noted.
"They all are devoted
To taking good care of their sons."
by A. N. Wilkins
The boy said that he wouldn't mind one --
A ground war. He wishes he'd find one
That's fairly close by,
For what he'd like to try,
Is to learn how they manage to grind one.
by A. W. Edwards
Perhaps this may seem very poor of me,
But I'm curious from the deepest core of me:
Of Sodomy we know,
But why is it so
That we never hear of GOMORRAHMY.
by Albin Chaplin
At the bird zoo, a man from Korea
Said he thought it a brilliant idea
To have all the birds dyed,
But all kidding aside --
How the devil does one dye a rhea?
by Arthur Deex
A doddering derelict Dave
Grubbed a gone-for good ginch in her grave.
"Though I'm sorrier and sorrier,
And also scorier
By jump-starting stiff strumpets, I save."
by Bill Edwards
Miss Polly received a surprise
On her checkup with good Dr. Wise;
"I find, on inspection,
A strange yeast infection:
And your buns have started to rise."
by Bill Edwards
Mark Anthony, supine by the creek,
Got to thinking of customs of Greek.
"Cleo, would you mind
If I tried your behind?"
"Here I lie, and I'm not prone to shriek."
by Bob Giandomenico
We exhibit a peculiar taste
In women after whom we have raced.
It's the loose we pursue,
While the pure we eschew,
For the ones that are chased are not chaste.
by Bob Giandomenico
They returned to his place from a date.
She reclined on the sofa, prostrate.
He asked, without pomp,
"Do you wish for a romp?"
She said, "I'm not prone to debate."
by Bob Giandomenico
He said, "When your climax draws near,
I wish you would tell me, my dear."
"That's so sweet," she said,
From her side of the bed,
"And I'd love to, but you're never here."
by Bob Giandomenico
He whispered one night in her ear,
"I wish for strange nooky, my dear."
Said his wife, "What a bore!
Had you two inches more
You could get some strange nooky right here."
by Don Moore
There once was a sailor named Dave
Who was standing beside a friend's grave.
"How would you wish to die?"
He was asked. His reply:
"Be sucked under the dock by a wave."
by Irving Superior
There once was a bishop named Klee
Who prayed that a cardinal he'd be.
His prayers coming true,
To Italy he flew
And shat upon the Holy See.
by Jane D. Hughes
The night Bishop Brown came to call,
Ms. Grace seduced him in the hall.
And while he was strumming,
He heard footsteps coming.
The result? From Grace he did fall.
by Jane D. Hughes
Masochist to sadist, "Yo,
I now know the way we can go.
Yeah, you can beat me,
Be mean and mistreat me!"
But the sadist just smiled and said, "No!"
by Jim Jambor
In the shower I clearly could see
Something I said could not be.
El Senor Beemissis
Was born with two penises.
He called them Jose and Hose-B.
by Phil Cannibal
The Lord spake to Moses one day
Through a bush that was burning, they say.
When I claimed the Lord's word
In a beer can, I heard,
To the nut house I went straight away.
by Phil Cannibal
The clerk in the courtroom so wise
Requests every witness to rise,
Then to solemnly swear
That the truth he'll declare,
With his hand on a book full of lies.
by Bob Giandomenico
When backpacking, lustful Miss Lentz
Plays 'pony express' with the gents--
Like 'post office' except
One must be more adept
For the horsing around is in tents. (intense?)
by Bob Giandomenico
Of all the world's verses recorded,
One finds those most zealously hoarded
Are the limericks spun,
Which may prove that the pun
Is mightier by far than the sordid.
by A. N. Wilkins
The Kennedy compound celebrated,
Has owners who sometimes debated
Whether they ought to post
This sign near the coast:
"Trespassers will be violated."
by Jane D. Hughes
A chick found a dude quite all right
And agreed to a date with delight.
And after much coaxing,
Pretending and hoaxing,
Agreed to be sub-dude that night.
by Jane D. Hughes
Young Joan with a gleam in her eye,
When asked about sex said, "Oh my!
Straight or kink to it;
Baby, I'll drink to it;
Homo or hetero or bi!"
by A. N. Wilkins
In view of the patient apostate,
The medical world is a tossed state.
But once he has sacked
His physician in fact,
Is the guy going to check his own prostate?
by A. N. Wilkins
In view of his young brother's keenness
To follow his steps, was it meanness
Of Fortune that Elvis
Became known as Pelvis
And thus scuttled the chances of Enos.
by Bob Giandomenico
An unfortunate fellow named Hugh
Had hemorrhoids that reached to his shoe.
He sat in despair
On a cane-bottomed chair
And snipped off each one that hung through.
by A. N. Wilkins
"Tranquilizers? I quit them," said Nate.
"My doctor had said they'd be great.
But he and I parted
When I found that I'd started
Being pleasant to bastards I hate."
by A. N. Wilkins
Physicians convulsed him with terror,
But in dosing himself Mr. Lehrer
Scanned a medical text
And died of the effects
Of a small typographical error.
by John Sandler
A lady with pimply complexion
Made a living from this imperfection,
By expressing the juice
From her zits to produce
A meringue-like and piquant confection.
by William F. Smith
An Irish pawnbroker named Brock
Collapsed and was treated for shock
When the diamond he took
In good faith from a crook
Was discovered to be a sham rock.
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
by Mark Grenier
An unlucky voyeur known as Vince,
Up a ladder to have a few squints,
Took a header, you know,
To the concrete below--
And there's not been a peep from him since.
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
by Mark Grenier
Said an arsonist known as St. James:
"Though I've never had time to chase dames,
In the still of the night
I can still get delight
When I pause to recall my old flames."
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
by J. C. Honeycutt
Said Emma, "Land sakes, Sister Lizzie,
You certainly are in a tizzy!
If paw saw that hatchet,
You surely would catch it--
Which brings up the question: where is he?"
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
by Betty Joahmans
They tried hard to kill rich Aunt May
And finally did it one day.
Now her nephews and nieces
Are richer than Croesus,
Proving where there's a will there's a way.
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
by A. N. Wilkins
"Though my children all know I'm behind them,"
Rose Kennedy says, "I remind them.
At 101
I still say to my son,
'Pick up your pants, if you can find them'."
by Ray Driver
There was a sick seal named Miss Rose
Who went to a doctor she knows.
He advised the young seal,
"Eat a well-balanced meal."
So she balanced a stew on her nose!
(if stew = stewardess, this is dirty!)
(in Ellery Queen magazine)
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