The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from July, 1997
from Poets Who Should Be Glad There's Free Speech on the Web!
My vibrator's battery's dying!
She told him as she started crying.
'Though she sucked like a pro
She could not make it grow.
"You bastard, you're not even trying!"
The poet comments, "Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas, today."
Are those bountiful mammaries real?
He asked with unusual zeal.
His dick started to rise
But then came the surprise
When he felt them, they're harder than steel!
In my sixties, I had an affair.
The woman was 18, mon cher.
And my old waterspout -
She just wore it out.
I'm glad that I have Medicare!
Clinton told her, "I'm glad that I met ya."
At the Marriott she said "I'll let ya."
She was stunning and dark
So Bill asked as a lark
"Ubangi?" And she said "You betcha!"
The poet comments, "This is in reference to Gary Aldrich, former FBI agent,
whose source suggested that Bill sneaked away to the Marriott on occasion."
It is said that Prince Andrew is Randy.
At the White House, Bill offered him candy.
"This is bloody delight!
You're the Kingfish, all right."
What a photo-op: Anus and Andy!
The poet comments, "Can anyone imagine talking about another president this way?"
So tell us, does size really matter?
It might, if erect on a ladder.
Should you happen to cough
It could push you right off
And your manhood may very well shatter!
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 07/26/97
Doc, yesterday, wielding my hatchet,
It slipped before I could catch it
It sliced through my pants
And severed my lance.
Do you think that perhaps you could patch it?
The Hindus, in their catechism
Treat sex as they do mysticism.
It seems an orgasm
Is not just a spasm,
But more of a great cataclysm!
His orange dick made him feel unstable -
"Doctor. please help if you're able!"
"There's no sore or decay -
How do you spend your day?"
"I eat Cheetos and watch porno cable!"
The poet comments, "I've written over 6,000 in the last four years, 2/3 of which bash the first evil couple in Washington."
The Sage fiddled with it, just a bit.
Two great lies that they say never fail
That make lenders and women turn pale
From dyslexic execs -
"In your mouth are the checks
And I swear I won't cum in the mail."
I saw your dear wife as she glowers
Oh yes, I'm enjoying your flowers
The next time you drop by
I'll be sucking you dry
As a meatloaf that baked seven hours.
Kasimoto had won the election,
But his speech had a slight imperfection.
His English was poor,
And I must underscore
That he called the event an erection!
The poet comments, "This is a rittle bit obvious."
Some dextrous old ladies from Natchez
Could all open up beers with their snatches
(Which is fun 'til yer crease
Gets infected with yeast
And it burns like a whole book of matches!)
The poet comments, "Just came up with that while driving into work this morning. I haven't
been getting much sleep lately.
David B writes 07/24/97
There was an old codger named Mort
Who with a young thing did cavort -
And when he was tried,
His attorney denied,
Saying the evidence won't stand up in court.
I don't blame you if you want to shout
That you have a great big waterspout.
But keep it in indoors,
Or in sophomores,
And, in public, don't let it hang out!
Arrrgg writes 07/24/97
There once was a pirate well known...
For not taking the crow's nest alone..
He slipped once while frigging
Way up in the rigging
And he fell, and he broke his best bone!
The poet comments, "From my Renn Faire days playing a pirate."
There once lived an unhandy chap
Deathly afraid of the clap
His future looked bleak
When along came a geek
Who said, "I'll show you how to choke your chicken."
Chap, clap....chicken?
Her majesty could not abide him.
She'd tease him and always deride him.
But her lust made her waive,
And she said of her slave,
"The serf's up, and I plan to ride him."
The poet comments, "I'm looking for a publisher. Now, that's funny!"
Quoth the man with a miniscule dong
"I never did anything wrong
To deserve such a fate,
Yet I know it's too late,
Why can't we all get a long?
John Chastaine writes 07/17/97
My vibrator's battery's dying!
My 800 pound Gorilla is sighing!
The gargantuan groaner,
Wants to massage his boner,
So, Evereadys I soon will be buying.
Now some of my rhymes are absurd.
I try to avoid a cuss word.
Ryhme and meter take over,
And I'm a pushover
For "titty" and "pecker" and "turd."
The poet comments, "And they tell me there are other such words."
Margo writes 07/16/97
There was an old woman named Mary
Who had a young daughter named Cherry
One night while she's sleepin'
An intruder creeped in....
And stole away old Mary's Cherry !
She searched for a gentleman who'd
Delight in her warm, sexy mood.
She got breast augmentation
And tubal ligation,
And now she is sure to be screwed!
The poet comments, "I converted my lawyer limerick!"
A Frenchman exudes savoir faire.
He would never say, "Her ass is bare."
When he sees the cute butt
Of a sleek, nubile slut,
He always says, "Cute derriere."
The poet comments, "This is almost a clean one."
Thank you, Al, for single-handedly keeping the contest going!
I love to watch movies with Xena.
She has such a sexy demeanor.
She has legs that are long,
And she does own a thong
And some things that are even obscener!
The poet comments, "Does the Sage know how many hits this site gets each day?"
The entire Toast Point page, all contests and other stuff included,
gets between 70-100 hits a day. Not too bad.
He applied for it; no hesitation.
He thought he had found his vocation.
He read the ad fast.
His ideal at last!
He thought it said "pubic relations."
The showgirls were taking a rest.
Their leader then made a request.
(With tongue in his cheek)
"Line up, cheek to cheek,
And then leave the stage, two abreast."
Writerman writes 07/10/97
As Writerman leaves for Cape Cod
For 2 weeks to tan his sweet bod
His mind kinda re-verts:
Play nicely, sweet pre-verts
And may all "lims" be NAUGHTY by God!!!
Hee hee hee.
Are those bountiful mammaries real?
They'd provide ten sextuplets a meal
Just one nipple's a sin
And a gross waste of skin
Udder waste - all the dairymen feel.
The poet comments, "Almost bagged this one....but kept at it..and milked it for all it was worth..."
Picadilly shares a classic 07/07/97
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
Was tattooed all the prices of ale
Whilst on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was precisely the same, but in braille!
The poet comments, "Love the limericks !"
My vibrator's battery's dying!
If I said "so what?!"..I'd be lying
Although I am gay
And can't use it that way
You can't blame a poor boy for trying!
The poet comments, "try the energizers..."
So tell us, does size really matter?
Greater pleasure if longer or fatter?
At a crime scene they say
Rapists could get away
For the small ones leave only a smatter!
"My lord" said the wench to her master
In this Sawmill you've never gone faster
But, my dear, I'm afraid
If they turn on the blade
we cannot avert a dis -assed -her !
The poet comments, "Note: the cutting remark at the END?"
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 07/09/97
"Cleopatra," said randy young Pharoah,
"I'd like to screw you to the marrow!"
But she said, "What a sin
That you can't get it in;
It seems I've a farrow too narrow!"
Stiffy Joe shares a classic 07/09/97
"My lord" said the wench to her master
"Forgive me but tell not my pastor
I partook in the bollocks
Of a young cook named Pollux
Then purged from his oil of Castor!
A guy met a good looking female
After sending her plenty of email.
With a little romance
He was soon in her panse,
But was shocked to find out she was she-male!
The poet comments, "This limerick will be in the book "R-Rated Limericks around the world" Any readers interested in having their work published, send me an email."
John Chastaine writes 07/07/97
A contortionist by the name Draper
Wouldn't wipe himself with toilet paper.
Instead he'd clean his bung,
With the tip of his tongue,
To relish the taste and the vapor!
JT writes 07/06/97
With de-licious breasts she is graced --
Her nipples are honey to taste,
My wife's pair is small,
But I'm pleased after all,
'Cause more than a mouthful's a waste!
Anonymous shares a classic non-limerick 07/05/97
He drank with curvy Mable
The pace was fast and furious
He slid beneath the table
Not drunk, but merely curious.
I bragged of the size, as I drank.
This "tool", this "wang", this "shank."
But my sweetie, named Beulah,
Pulled out a long ruler,
And at the wrong moment, I shrank!
MR WITTY writes 07/03/97
A man by the name of Witty
Is a little bit shitty
He has a gold car
but not a gold star
He is hoping Toast Point will take pity.
The poet asked Toast Point to tell him (in limerick form) how to get a gold star. Well, since he submitted a nasty-word limerick in all caps to the squeaky-clean section, Toast Point is too appalled to be able to respond in proper meter.
PoetLariat writes 07/02/97
Mike Tyson cannot stand to lose...
Not the cat calls, the jeers nor the boos...
So he hurriedly lies....
"I apologize...."
And it's ear-biting now he eschews!
Bill Clinton said, "Lookie here, guys,
That Paula is telling you lies.
Return her brassiere
And then come back here.
Don't forget to bring back some French fries."
When Tyson bit Holyfield's ear
I imagine the headline seen here:
"MIKE TYSON FALLS
FROM A BITE ON THE BALLS
ENDS BOTH BOXING AND SEXUAL CAREER.!"
CB writes 07/01/97
The Vegas testosterone romp
Saw his rival recrowned without pomp.
Tyson bit off Ev's ear
(Claims he "lost it," poor dear)
And he's gone from The Champ to The Chomp!
Lo and Behold shares a classic 07/01/97
Ther was a young man from Beijing
Claimed he could make the Fat Lady sing
He wafted his wide wand
Down deep in her frond
And unleashed a sizeable spring!
She peaked, shrieked, then beat her bare breast
Her din declared hump me - dump me I'm truly impressed
Though his dick in her dock
Had caused her to rock
No singing fluttered out of her nest
Perhaps I'll try to make that gal trill
Not by causing a womberful spill
But by tickling her fancy
Then making her antsy
When presenting my inflated bill!
Rhubarb shares classics from the
Pentatette archives
by A. N. Wilkins
Their first statue -- Athena, a beauty --
Made the rulers of Athens feel snooty,
But while they were beaming
And the marble was gleaming,
The pigeons of town did their duty.
"Evolution," observed Mr. Baer,
"Labored ages with exquisite care,
Leaving no raveled threads,
To perfect a few heads.
The others are covered with hair."
Observed Darwin, "The mammals increased
Thus producing a high type of beast
When the primate was bred."
Somehow Charles never said
Whether he meant the ape or the priest.
Curiosity caused as much strife
As jealousy in Eve's botched life.
Though she called him a skunk,
Unless he got drunk,
Adam never discussed his first wife.
Said the Brass, "What a man did before
Determined his place in the war.
Thus a butcher, you'll find,
Is always assigned
A place in the Medical Corps."
by Al Chaplin
In the sticks lives a lady named Bright
With a face that's a horrible fright,
But no fellow minds that --
She feeds gin to her cat --
And it's fun when her pussy is tight.
by Arthur Deex
Our late mayor, who was queer to the end,
Caught AIDS from a casual friend.
In the Times his obit
Said "Mayor's funeral a hit --
Ten thousand GAY MOURNERS attend"
Evolution's a theory, my dear,
That explains why we have eye and ear,
Why we have upright walk
And why we can talk --
Big tits and appendix aren't clear.
When God made the world in its prime,
Like begat like every time.
But then to temp fate
He commanded: MUTATE --
And that's why we're not all green slime.
by Bob Giandomenico
A woman whom smoking had hooked
With her doctor a visit had booked.
When he asked with perplex
If she smoked after sex,
"I don't know," she said, "I've never looked."
There are some girls boys think are real hot,
And others that certainly are not --
On these latter charts
And the last to break hearts
Are the Lee sisters -- Ug, Home, and Mot
A slight-of-hand artist named Wares
Can cut rabbits in half he declares.
A remarkable trick
That some people think sick,
Though to others he's just splitting hares.
A soldier who came from East Rockaway
Had a mine blow his balls and his cock away.
Kangaroo genitalia
Grafted on in Australia
Fixed him so he jumps broads a block away.
by Clarence E Boyle
"Woman's twat," said a young man named Joe,
"Is the size of her mouth, don't you know."
An old gal standing by,
Gave forth a big sigh,
Then pursed her lips, "Is that so?"
"Dont't put on a bra," said Bill Mace,
As he looked at his wife in the face.
"Just let your tits hang.
I don't give a dang.
They pull wrinkles out of your face!"
The boobs on Mae Blount were a sight,
And the way they stuck out was a fright.
All the boys said, "Ho, Ho!
But the boys didn't know
She put her tits in the drawer at night.
by Dylan Thomas
There was a young bugger called God
Who put a young virgin in pod.
This amazing behavior
Produced Christ our Savior
Who died on a cross, the poor sod.
by Ed Potts
"The food we consumed," said McGoo,
"Determined our health, how we grew;"
"If we are what we eat,"
Said his girl, Maguerite,
"Tomorrow I'll likely be you."
by Kathleen Martin
A flat female, baring her chest,
Confessed disdain for the usual test.
"No natural selection
By the size of erection,
For the biggest ain't always the best."
by Larry Davis
An uninformed miss from John Day
Was got in a family way.
Her abdomen's rise
Came as a surprise.
She thought herself safe with a gay.
A prudish old maid from Pauline,
Was really disgustingly clean.
She didn't like gin,
Original sin,
Or anything else in between.
For CHRISTIAN and SCIENCE to fuse
Would truly be lead story news.
But it seems to me
That it's got to be,
Just one or the other, you choose.
She can be deceptive and smart.
She can have a treacherous beart.
To think she is pure
Is just horse manure,
Because there is no CHERRY TART.
by Laurence Perrine
Have you ever considered it odd
That a supposedly self-declared God
Should punish a grandkid
For something his gramp did?
It's proclaimed in the Bible, by God.
(Exodus 34:6-7)
by Martin Wellborn
A crusader, whose fling had been flung,
Returned to his wife sweet and young;
And discovered her with
A rouguish locksmith
Who was picking her lock with his tongue.
A Kokomo cop named O'Toole
Kept his gat in his shorts as a rule.
One day this young clod
Whipped out the wrong rod,
And a gay crook cried, "Shoot me, you fool!"
by Roy Shaw
That those with AIDS will be tripped,
The curse of AIDS is well quipped.
For prevention effectual
In activities sexual,
Flies spread disease, keep yours zipped.
by Sex to Sexty
An aquatic young maiden from Sprogg
Had a maddening affair with a frog.
For try as she might,
She just couldn't quite
Get her jollies while perched on a log!
by Sid Rothenberg
Jim Bakker paid Jessica money
For extracurricular fun. He
Is living in limbo
But Miss Hahn ("I'm no bimbo")
Is now Mr. Hefner's new bunny.
by William K. Alsop
A pretty young maiden named Blood
Was lost in a thunderstorm flood.
And when she was found,
After having been drowned,
She was filled up with minnows and mud.
There was a young maid from Superior
Whose I.Q. was sad and inferior,
But no one in bed
Gave a thought to her head
Or the quality of its interior.
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