Prince Charles and Parker-Bowles are such bores!Toast Point confesses that he laughed out loud at this one.
The poet comments, "Sharing is Getting."
When Roma was told about sex,
She said "Mamma, it's so complex!
You & father had to go
Through all this trouble
And I am just the side effect!"
The poet comments, "Live & Let live"
The Sage reminds the poet that limericks are FIVE lines long - see how they've been split now - and that the 3rd and 4th lines must rhyme.
Kathy Gifford has been in a stew --The poet comments, "Tasteless and insensitive, I know."
Jack used to take Ken to the shore,
And treat his cute butt like a whore.
When screwing, he'd shout,
(If Jack's dick would fall out),
"Toto, I'm not in Ken's ass anymore!"
The Sage tweaked it, just a bit, for metrical purposes.
This wee, bonnie, Irish young lass
Was endowed with great tits and nice ass.
But I had to leave 'er,
That awful reliever,
As she had a problem with gas!
There's a question designed to perplex:
"Do you smoke at all just after sex?"
"I ne'er undertook
To take a close look.
I'll just have to question my ex."
Young Gary plays mighty fine GigsThe poet comments, "In Honour of my dear cousin CyberhogNZ, who penned such a lovely limerick about me he is indeed a fine musician and a tender, caring pig farmer! Hahaha"
Whoips?
This was also entered in the squeaky side - I think it deserves to be in both! Squeaky, yet naughty!
There once was a Scot in a kilt,
Who'd do any sheep that'd stand still,
A Fleece he was shagging,
Behind, his balls were dragging,
And off went the sheep o'er the hill!
The poet comments, "There aren't enough limericks about Scots and sheep ;)"
Sounds like a challenge to me! Anyone?
The poet comments, ":)"
Need a really broad "ea" to make that work...and even then...
Smegma's sebaceously cheesy
The mere thought makes some people queasy
"It's really not bad"
Said the connosieur Chad
"Although sometimes it can be quite greasy!"
The poet comments, "As close to "Dot" as I dare get..."
The poet comments, "I use the term poet Veeerrry loosely"
A young pregnant woman named Mears
Birthed a child that would bring you to tears -
For out of her cunt
Came a bow-legged runt
With his ass between his ears!
Unfortunate timing had Alice
With a vegetable substitute phallus
'Cause she bought a large leek
Which she promptly named Zeke
Who rubbed on her clit 'til it calloused!
The poet comments, "A late comer to September's challange"
Doed her?
The poet comments, "In very bad taste 2"
If I had a girl named Delores.The poet comments, "Been away, but I'm back. Seems like everybody out there uses the Seinfeld pronunciation...."
As opposed to the Pythonesque, I assume. (Constable Clitoris?)
There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.
And that's really some pair, love. You're right!
One is showing the cold
With a nipple quite bold;
And the left one is fairly uptight!
The poet comments, "Sometimes dumb, is fun. Sometimes, quaint- ain't. This little limerick is about as bad as I can get. So next time I'll submit a poem with wit!!!"
The Sage comments, "And maybe following form as well."
The poet comments, "Adapted from a joke I heard today. A bit of truth to it, eh ladies?"
There's a question designed to perplex.
Is a pussy concave or convex?
"It depends on position"
Says a noted physician
"And the angle of thrust during sex!"
Toast Point, despite his lack of experience with same, has trouble imagining a convex pussy.
Hardly naughty, but kinda sweet...
The poet comments, "SSSsssomebody stop meaahhh!"
Our Julie is somewhat unruly.
An anarchist really and truly
When her partner once said
Please give me some head
She gave him a whack in the goolies!
Whilst travelling at a great rate
Lady Di spoke up, quite irate
"Could you slow down this Merc,
You ignorant jerk?
We might hit the wall........" BANG.....too late!
The poet comments, "very bad taste"
I have a fine cousin named Keith
Who's a drunken degenerate thief
He once drank from my glass
Then he fondled my arse
And left marks upon both from his teeth!
The poet comments, "This was writtten in honour of "CyberCelt" who is also hoping to appear on this page"
I want something new for my pleasure
Some new kind of sexual leisure
For I'm sick of soft dicks
And good-old-boy hicks
Who usually have fuck all to measure!
I hear that your "thing" is tremendous
In fact it is really horrendous
If you don't mind a queer
You can put it right here
(As long as you promise to mend us)!
I once had a young girl named Julie
Who made me go all hot and drooly
My pacemaker slipped
And my jeans nearly ripped
When the feeling got down to my goolies.
The poet comments, "For my partner!!"
I want something new for my pleasure
Like a dog and a cat for good measure
For I'm tired of young boys
And my vibrating toys
Which I usually use for my leisure.
I'm sick of young girls aged eleven
Although they can take me to heaven
But what really is bad
And makes me so sad
Is having to be in bed by seven!
The poet comments, "had to change it coz i couldnt spell tyranasaurus ??????"
There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.
And if you will turn out the light
Please stoke up my fire
Arouse my desire
And then go down for a bite!
This wee bonnie Irish young lass..
Who came from Republican class
In the streets of free Derry
We all drink and be merry
You protestants can all kiss my ass !!
The poet comments, "Yeah!!!! Sinn Fein and the I.R.A for ever !!"
Toast Point sighs, expecting a firebomb any minute.
If I had a girl named Delores.
who closely resembled a walrus
first i'd file for divorce
then use physical force
and kick the bitch in the clitoris
The poet comments, "geez, they are getting pretty damn grubby now !!! sorry if anyone was offended by that one"
If I had a girl named Delores.
who knew every word in the thesaurus
i said, "if you're smart
Then suck on this fart
then she bolted, and spewed a great chorus.
I hear that your "thing" is tremendous -
When erect, it is something stupendous
But if I was impaled
I'm sure you'd be jailed
For my injuries most horrendous
I want something new for my pleasure
So I bought a wee sheep for my leisure
A donkey, a cow
Some hens, and a sow
Then a ten-dollar whore for good measure!
The poet comments, "woo hoo I'm on a roll now !!"
There's a question designed to perplex.
And it springs to mind when I have sex
I once bonked a giraffe
For a bit of a laugh.
Is it o.k to shoot on their necks?
The poet comments, "sick sick sick !!!!! bet you dont submit that one !!!"
There was a young fellow named Buckingham
Wrote a book about women and fucking'em
But a clever young Turk
Eclipsed this great work
With a volume on assholes and sucking'em!
There once was a man named Charteris
Put his hand where a young lady's garter is.
She said, "I dont mind,
But up higher you'll find
The place where my pisser and farter is!"
Said a lassie whose name was Fresia
To her beau, "If my front bum don't please ya
I really dont mind
if you take my behind -
Just be careful my tapeworm dont seize ya!
Take a trip to that "other" page, you must!
I did, then left there nonplussed
Nothing cuts quite as deeply as it
I refer to the dull lack of wit
And of course its rapier-like thrust!
The poet comments, "New spin on old repartee"
Now Hillary's known as a leader.
First president minus a peter
Women knowingly nod
For a woman is god
And the chief exec is a breeder!
The poet comments, "I'm flinching already"
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who tried to rumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
And now is quite nutless
And totally useless on dates!
There once was a man from St. Paul
Who played the music halls
For his very best trick
He stood on his prick
And rolled off the stage on his balls!
The poet comments, "It's an old one"
A vampire who sometimes wore braces
Would frequent the most sordid of places
A 'vestite you see
Most known commonly
As a lace-wearing leech that sucked faces!
Big Bird was playing with Snuffy....
Where his hairs are shorter and fluffy...
Strokin' with a yellow feather,
Where balls and ass come together,
'Til his dick (like his trunk) was quite puffy!
There once was a hacker named Cyrus.
Who was always sexually desirous.
But when he fiddled with his Wang,
It would sadly just hang,
His software possessed by a virus!
Eying the poet's e-mail address, Toast Point wonders if it was inspired by Carl Hiaassen?
A lusty young girl named Cassandra
Wanted sex, as did her sister Sondra.
Two under-achievers
Obliged these two beavers.
Would you call this a double entendre?
This wee bonnie Irish young lass..
Finds the words above are too crass
The "wee" and the "bonny" are Scot
"Young lass's" the Irish have not!
But the error's as common as grass.
The poet comments, "Alway's a smartass!!! It's that damn Scots blood I'll wager, if I wasn't so thrifty!"
It is said Mr. Gore is a bore.
But Tipper don't think so no more
You see Al's gotta a habit
Hops around like a rabbit
Shitting little round balls on the floor!
Cried Tipper, "Why Al those look awfully
Like Cocoa Puffs made of dark toffee =
Now just think of it!
Were it money you shit
You'd be a hit at a fundraising coffee!
The poet comments, "Mark Russell ain't got nothin' on me!"
A maid named Lorette from Detroit
Kept the men in her life overjoyed!
She could sit on their face
Without any disgrace
While she sucked on their joint unannoyed.
I've been away from this page for some time
For I could think of no shit that would rhyme
"Ha!" said my Muse
"Here's a fucking excuse"
"You're the world's first limerical mime"!
The poet comments, "Be patient..I gotta knock the rust off."
Mr. Spooner, my printer is swell.
It prints like a bat out of hell.
And for toilet paper
I use my patch scraper,
But it doesn't absorb very well!
Here's to the girl in the little red shoes.
She spends my money, drinks my booze.
She has no cherry, but that's no sin.
She still has the box the cherry came in!
Toast Point heard this in limerickal Roaring Twenties form...
Said a sheik (who I'm not fond of namin')
To the flapper he thought he was tamin',
"Have you your maidenhead?"
"Of course not!", she said,
"But I still have the box that it came in!"
That LIFE IS A LIMERICK site
Is sophomoric and terribly trite
I submitted a few---
Not printed--- "FUCK YOU!!!
They're incompetent ASSHOLES all right!!!!
Now, Og, just take a few deep breaths...we'll publish your stuff right here...
How BAD can a limerick be?
Go to LIFE IS A LIMERICK and see!!!
They sure stink up the joint---
You'll come back to Toast Point
And never go back, believe me!!!
And we don't even pay him anything!
Who cares if Kevin Brown shaves
His ballteam deserves cheers and raves
As our upstart young darlin's--
The Florida Marlins
Make CHOP MEAT of Atlanta's damn Braves!!!
There once was a queen from Bulgaria
Whose bush would grow hairier and hairier
When a prince from Peru
Came up for a screw
He had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier!
There once was a lady named Hilda
Who went for a walk with a Builder
He knew that he could....
And he should and he would...
And he DID and it goddamned near killed her!
There once was a girl from Berlin
Who was fucking an elderly Finn
Though he diddled his best,
And he fucked her with zest,
She kept asking....."Hey pop, is it in?"
The poet comments, "I was @ work reading all the lovely little diddies....I started to squeal with delight until my coworkers came up to see what was so amusing :)"
The girls who dance in the chorus
Won't be caught dead with old Boris;
They claim, and 'tis true,
He just wants to screw,
And there plain were too many before us!
I hear that your "thing" is tremendous
And able to do feats stupendous
I'll take it hot
Right here on the spot
I just hope that it doesn't upend us!
A foul talking gal named Linda
Insulted a Japanese ninja.
The Jap mopped the floor
With this dirty-mouthed whore
The threw her ass out of the winda!
The poet comments, "We were discussing how one of our co-workers named Linda often insults people with her foul language."
The poet wrote a second verse in November.
The press has described a love bower.
But I stayed, all alone, just an hour.
I hope Paula recants;
(Well, I did drop my pants,
I was just on my way to the shower.)
I'm bathing in oil - care to join me?
It will be lots of fun, slick and slippery
It may get quite hot
If you find the right spot -
If not, I will show you most happily.
I found something new for my pleasure!
He's a most unusual treasure
His lips upon mine
Far sweeter than wine
Give me orgasms far beyond measure!
There's a question designed to perplex.
I've been asked in the midst of hot sex
Can I put it in here?
There's no need to fear
I know some incredible tricks!
His lover had very small breasts,
And in spite of her tepid requests,
He started in feasting
On her lovely bee-stings,
And she made some lusty requests.
There once was a hacker named Cyrus.
Who developed a cytomegaslovirus
To the dermis it seems
Skin dropped off in reams
In layers as thin as papyrus!
There once was a man from Pompei
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
The heat from his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And he ripped all his foreskin away!
There's a question designed to perplex
About Turtles about to have sex.
Since they can't really flex,
Their hard outer decks,
To get the right hole, which one checks?
If I had a girl named Delores.
Conchita Breganza De Flores,
Juanita De Paco,
Jesus Con Taco,
I might take to calling her Boris!
If I had a girl named Delores.
I would take her out to the forest
Lying under the trees
We could fuck until three -
Til four only if there was more of us!
This wee bonnie Irish young lass..
Had the most beautiful ass
I took her to bed
And we would have wed
But for all the wind that it passed!
There once was a woman named Stacey
She somehow endeavoured to chase me
She was right in her prime
And she fucked so divine
That the ring on her finger escaped me!
If I had a girl named Delores.
Whose bush was dense as a forest?
Her legs I would spread
And then using my head
I would "flush out" the wily clitoris!
This young and vivacious colleen
Had tits of a type rarely seen.
One, a fat titty
And one itty-bitty,
And one was a size in between!
While filming some grade B adventure
Shelly Winters lost half of her denture,
While giving some head,
To a Key Grip named Fred,
(The scene was cut out by the Censor.)
This wee bonnie Irish young lass..
A pure fresh-cheeked girl from Belfast,
Liked to kneel down to pray,
In front of Father O'Day,
So he'd put his shillelagh up her ass!
The tailor removed a large swatch
Of cloth from her shorts, at the crotch.
Her job as a stripper
Displayed "Little Nipper,"
And the view, I would say, was topnotch!
A construction worker thought it a howl,
To address women with language most foul.
'Til a dike on a bike,
Took a dislike.....
Here's an X-Ray of the beer can in his bowel!
Hee hee hee!
Said the leatherman to his admirer
"Come here, you little perspirer!
I just love to screw,
Nervous weasles like you,
With my strapped and studded defiler!"
The condom, that whole episode,
Erupted as we quietly rode.
She then threw it out,
The brash gadabout.
Now the rubber, no doubt, meets the road!
Diamonds are the best friends of girls
Not meant for the populace or churls
'Twould be ill and quite feckless
If you gave them a necklace
Consisting of nothing but pearls.
The poet comments, "This isn't overtly naughty, but the raunch is there."
Where?
If I had a girl named Delores.
I would change my first name, say, to Morris.
I would write poems of love
They'd be sexy, sort of,
And these names rhyme quite well with clitoris!
There's a NiP in the Air LuV, TiNiTe,
And I hope it won't snOW, but it might.
If it isn't SO BiTTEr,
We'll call up the SiTTEr,
And we CaN go OUTe for a BiTe.
The poet comments, "Science teachers might like this one."
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could stick it up to a girl's kidney!
Then came a man from Quebec
Who could stick it up to her neck...
Man, he had a big one, didn't he?
There once was a gambler of taste
Who laid a young girl who was chaste.
Since she should not conceive,
He came in his sleeve,
And knocked up two queens and an ace.
It's obvious that Donald Trump's
Main interest is mammary bumps.
So when he is out,
There's never a doubt
He's not with flat chested frumps.
Again Gorbachev is secure,
In the driver's seat after the stir
Of the strange coup which failed.
Since the people prevailed,
Though, he's now Boris Yeltsin's chauffeur.
Said the boatswain one day to the coxswain,
"Why on earth do you cox with wool soxswain?"
"I'm well warmed, Sir," said he,
"Besides can't you see?
The rest of the crew's got fur joxswain."
A conservative black, Bush did crave;
Seeking one in ten million is brave.
Now his nominee, Thomas,
May be imbued with promise,
But he'll speed Marshall to his grave.
Here is news from the court that will travel:
Justice X has begun to unravel!
When he works on a probe
In the depths of his robe,
What he's pounding there isn't his gavel!
(Pentatette prize winner)
There once was a lusty Lothario
Who bedded twin blondes in Ontario;
He said, "I'll confess,
It was not without stress--
But sex is so sexy in stereo!"
A Frenchman we know of in Natchez
Has asthma attacks by the batches.
We heard that, Good Grief!
His only relief
Is actually breathing in snatches.
A bisexual rock star named Bender,
When asked by the press corps to render
An account of his flings,
Said, "Sex gooves and/or swings,
But that depends mostly on gender."
His Majesty, King Frederique,
Appointed, as jester, a freak
Whose pranks so beguiled,
That the king went half wild,
And was at his wit's end in a week.
Dressed in sweet-suits of satin and lace,
The transvestites all gaily embraced,
Then adjusting their straps
They began doing laps,
In what critics might call a drag race.
They say that Rock Hudson, the star
As handsome as you and I are--
So virile on screen,
Was often times seen
Back-seating a boy in his car.
A Notre Dame player named Weaver,
Was gay and an over-achiever.
When he came to South Bend,
He first played as tight end,
But wound up as a big wide receiver.
Said a cigarette smoker named Kit,
"I have finally decided to quit.
I'll do --heaven knows what--
Probably sit on my butt,
Which is fine if the damned things not lit."
Said Magic, "My record's been ripped--
My career with the Laker's been nipped.
I've learned from the guys,
HIV's spread by flies--
How I wish that I'd just kept mine zipped."
David Duke's reputation's replete
With rumors of feats indiscrete.
But they've got the wrong man--
He's not 'Head Of The Klan'.
It was 'Wizard Under The Sheet.'
Catherine the Great got her due
Having sex with a horse, and that's true!
It's no fun, of course
Falling off of a horse,
But how 'bout when a horse falls off you?
A strapping young fellow named Hugh
A yew tree was starting to hew.
A lass passing by,
To capture his eye,
Cried out, "You who yew hew, yoo-hoo."
DeLorean said, "It is great!
Iacoca and I will soon mate
To make cars that are classy--
Lee does the chassis
And I'll make the license plate."
"Jesus Christ!" groused one shepherd you know,
I've got this cowshit on my toe!"
Whereupon, Mary smiled
And said to the child,
"I like that name better than Joe."
The noted psychologist Glass
Taught sex to an overflow class.
His unique point of view
Raised an eyebrow or two:
'Love begins with a good piece of ass.'
The Great Man told the patient, "You bet you,
But you still shouldn't let it upset you.
Just because," observed Freud,
You may be paranoid,
Doesn't mean that they're not out to get you."
Things in Bethlehem got in a whirl,
With frankincense and so much myrrl.
Both shepherds and flock
Were in for a shock
When the Wise Men announced, "A black girl!"
After robing, each justice submits
To shake hands with his colleagues, then sits.
Says Clarance, "Nice day,
Good to see you, What say?
How are you? Hi, Howdy, Nice tits."
There once was a tomboy named Gertie,
Who was always incredibly dirty.
Said her mother one day,
You may go out and play,
But you can't come back in 'til you're thirty!
