Why is that whip in your closet?Did someone place it in there by deposit ?
With those leather boots
and large rubber suits
Were they used for some purpose? What was it?
The poet comments, "About the wee bonnie Irish lass, it was the Scotsman talking about an Irish lass!"
There was a young jockey called Moses
Said the leatherman to his admirer
A young woman from Southend-on-SeaThe poet comments, "I've just remembered this one I "composed" over 15 years ago. Looking at the current crop shows that not much has changed - except that there seems to be a greater predeliction for sheep."
There's a question designed to perplex.
Said a buxom young wench from Carlisle
There's a question designed to perplex.
Concerning atheists of opposite sex.
To ask may seem odd
But do they scream "God"
When reaching a climax at sex ?
The poet comments, "I'm not very keen to have "sex" twice. Any suggestions ?"
Toast Point just pondered it and came up with nothing - but likes the joke of the limerick. Keep working on it!
Why is that whip in your closet?
Did someone place it in there by deposit ?
With those leather boots
and large rubber suits
Were they used for some purpose? What was it?
The poet comments, "Not very naughty - but my preference (poetically speaking that is)is to underplay the explicit. You don't have to ram it home to obtain the right response !"
The poet comments, "Lorena Bobbitt II: Presidential Attack"
"My microbiologist ex
Had a weenie too teeny for sex,"
Complained Sue with a sigh.
"Perhaps I should try
A macroeconomist next!"
A lady with multiple piercings
Had exhausted her budget for earrings.
She tried peddling her gash
To generate cash,
But was asked to do too many queer things.
The poet comments, "Tough rhyme."
The poet comments, "Let's light him up!!"
Said an aspiring actress from Knox
'Remove your hand from under my frocks!"
She was admonishing Hector
That sly movie director
And 20th century fox!
The holiday season seems early;
It makes me feel hostile and surly.
But I find that I might
Relieve stress at night
If I snuggle down where the hair's curly!
The poet comments, "Easy listenin' for the holidays."
The poet comments, "It'n it great to be a limerick composing genius??? I challenge anyone to challenge me in the battle of limerage...."
Welcome aboard, o shy one.
The poet comments, "This is almost un-naughty."
Martin Luther King, so they say,The poet comments, "Oh boy i'm nuts!!"
The poet comments, "Nothing like a good ticklin'!!"
There once was a blushing young bride,
For me down in Afrique du Sud
Mary, she had a lamb little
Its bones were quite fragile and brittle
Except at the rear
The one she loved dear
She'd stroke it until it would spittle.
There was a young nun - Sister Hariot
Who made love in her motorized chariot
Too bad she got caught
And to justice was brought
They now call her Judith Iscariot!
Now as for young Little Bo-Peep
At last she has found all her sheep
From too many to choose
She kicked out the ewes
And the Rams she decided to keep!
What?
The poet comments, "?????????????"
Speaking for all gay people as Toast Point does, we find that the cheap shots towards members of our orientation get tiresome. Not offended, more of a rolling-eyes kind of thing.
There was a young lady named Anna
Who sucked on a big green banana
"How sour!", she said,
"It's just like giving head
To a man with his nuts in a spanner!"
Her name was young Anna Marie
So proud of her virginity
She was some piece of mutton
With her pierced belly button
But the ring leaked when she took a pee!
This wee bonnie Irish young lass
Said the priest, "I absolve you, my dear,
But now I'll confess what I fear
If the child calls me Father
'Tisn't Reverend, but rather
The unknown address was right here!"
Two lawyers who met in FormosaThe poet comments, "Meaning "in secret.""
The poet comments, "Havana is in Cuba for you geographically illiterate people!"
The poet comments, "If this one doesn't provoke a response, I'll have to go back to shagging sheep!!!!"
I once fell in love with a ram
In bed, he was really "Hot Damn!"
I'd nary a grizzle
About his huge pizzle
But it hurt like hell having his lamb.
The poet comments, "Damn the pigs! I'll stick with common people and revert to sheep!"
My friend William's mom's a great fuck,The poet comments, "This reminds me of high school and all the 'Mama' limericks I've coined. I'm hope it makes you chuckle!"
Oh, ha ha.
Mutant limerick...
If I were a buxom young ewe
And could choose between 3 for a screw
An Ozzie or Kiwi
Or a Mac with wee Wee-Wee
I'd run fifty miles. Wouldn't you?
I'm sick of the shagging of ewes
A subject which gives me the blues
All that wool round the twat
I don't find so hot
I'd rather a pig on my cooze!
There's a question designed to perplex.
About just what to use for your sex
I don't want a sheep
For they're ugly and cheap
In a pig my dick I'd rather flex!
The poet comments, "Sheep are ugly!! Get yourself a pig for some real fun......"
Cybercelt's sure in love with his sheep
And a number of them he does keep.
"They're the joy of my life,"
He said to his wife,
"And with them I'll continue to sleep."
The poet comments, "Although Cybercelt lives in a renowned dairying area, he refuses to follow tradition and insists on his merinos. "I find Friesians far too common", he said. (The National Dairy Farmer magazine October 1997)."
A Scotsman who now lives in Sutton
Loved sheep (they did sure push his button).
He'd take a fine lamb,
His cock in would ram,
And shag it until it was mutton!
"This rest room is just for the misses,
As this is the place that they pisses."
The matron did fret,
"Now the floor is all wet,
And this is because of near misses."
A handsome young shearer named Bull,
Loved pretty young sheep, well and full.
But he'd never abuse
The ugliest ewes
Because that's where we get "virgin wool"!
I once knew a girl named Francine
Whose twat was all slimy and green
When she offered a poke,
I replied "What a joke,
I shudder to think where you've been!"
The poet comments, "dredging the bottom of the barrel with that one."
I suggested that we should play doctor
And cajoled her and slowly sweet-talked 'er.
We went back to the shed
Where her legs were widespread,
And then it was up that I knocked her!
I hear that your "thing" is tremendous
Squealed Dutch twins: brains small, breasts stupendous.
When their third sister chimed in,
"We're quite fond of our hymens
So it looks like you'll have to rear-end us!"
The pope had a brief little fling
With a dildo he called "Bishop Zing"
But after his reaming,
Since he found it unseeming,
He asked it to please kiss his ring!
Pissed off by this terrible flight
She returned to continue the fight.
And foul-mouth Linda
Tossed the Jap through the winda.
There's a Nip in the air, love, tonight!
The poet comments, "This is a continuation of my entry of 10/13/97."
On TV and in most advertising,
It's the tits that get much emphasizing.
They make them look huge;
They even use rouge.
Oh my gosh! Old John Thomas is rising!
On Sesame Street, it was late,
Burt and Ernie were concluding their date,
When Bert's hot erection,
Spewed the Paper Clip Collection,
Which made Ernie fuckin' irate!
Why is that whip in your closet?
Take it out, bitch, and make a deposit
On my flesh 'til I'm hurtin',
Make me sniff your beef curtains,
Then put the whip up my crack and just floss it!
Bruce was a real loose goose
He once had sex with a moose
With some cum in the ear
Then in the rear
He decided to hang himself with a noose!
I once knew a girl named Lorraine S.
Her gut gave her many complaints, yes
Her doctor, a quack
Anaesthetized her with smack
And now the girl's mouth is her anus!
I know you don't think this is true
But you know, this could happen to you!
But the bright side of it
Though she vomits her shit
She works out her butt while she chews!
I want something new for my pleasure
Something that's worthy, to treasure
Maybe rounded or square
Smooth or with hair
As long as its length is its measure!
The poet comments, "I am hooked on limericks 'cause limericks are hooked on me!"
In Montana, a cowboy named Vince
Took a Hollywood actor in tints
For a short horseback ride,
And a ewe they soon spied
With its head firmly wedged in a fence.
In a flash, Vince dismounted his filly,
Unzipped his fly, took out his willy,
Grabbed the ewe with a hoot,
Dropped a hoof in each boot,
And proceeded to shag the sheep silly!
When the spectacle came to an end,
Old Vince didn't even pretend
That this might be unique,
He just turned 'round to speak,
Saying, "Now it is your turn, my friend!"
So the actor, a little unsteady,
Dismounted on legs of spaghetti,
Gave Vince a quick glance,
Then hiked down his pants,
Stuck his head in the fence and said, "Ready!"
Scotsmen screw sheep? Such surprise!
Whoever said that told you lies.
'Cause up in Balmoral
They like their sex oral -
You can't pull the wool o'er their eyes!
The poet comments, "As a Scotsman, I should know."
A Scotsman whose name was MacLoren
Had a peculiar tilt to his sporran
It seems in his sleep
He was buggering sheep
With objects obscene and quite foreign!
McLeod was a Highlander true
with the sheep had a technique quite new
This canny wee Mac
Threw the sheep on its back
So he could kiss her whilst having a screw!
In New Zealand its really no news
To fornicate with buxom ewes
With 30 million perhaps
The problem for chaps,
Is knowing just which one to choose!!
The poet comments, "Us Kiwi's have been shagging sheep for years!! we could show those scotsmen a thing or two!! BAAAAA "
There once was an Aussie named Bruce
With the sheep, he was really quite loose!
He buggered a Ewe
From Woolloomoolloo
And filled it right up with his juice!
The poet comments, "Austruckinfalians are also well known for their sheep shagging skills"
In Scotland, the sheep are quite blue -
Melancholy, and sad, coz it's true -
"The men want to shag us
Then turn us into Haggis -
What a shit of a life for a Ewe!
Toast Point is highly amused at the direction this contest has taken.
There once was a man named Folden
His penis, a girl's mouth was holdin'
She said, "No, wait! First...."
Then he suddenly burst,
And he thought, "Ah! Silence is golden!"
The poet comments, "Written from a girl's point of view, no less!!"
There once was a man from Bel Air
Who had serious problems with hair
Once it wrapped round his penis
And Fellating Venus
Has to pick all her teeth with great care!
Now the Sage of the Toast Point Limerick
Had a hell of a job judging gimerick
He soon banished Nantucket
And green meat; with bucket
To the Dead Whore in Cave he said fuck it.
Well, sort of...
There was once a fellow named Randy
The women all thought him quite dandy,
For the end of his schlong
(Which was nine inches long)
Gave semen which tasted like candy!
There once was a fellow named Bill
His penis was shriveled and ill
It was as pale and green
As any you've seen
And a small thimble it would not fill!
There once was a homo named Nick
Who usually thought about dick
Stuck a thumb up his ass
While smoking some grass
Isn't it true that he's sick?
If I had a girl named Delores,
All the Sex Follies judges would score us
An impeccable 10,
So we'd easily win,
While the crowd, on their feet, would adore us!
There was a young woman named Cindy
Whose breasts were as small as can be
So to the doctor she went
With an attitude hell-bent
To go from an "A" to a "D"!
Now the surgery's done, and it's time for some fun
Even though they are still kinda smartin'
Now the Saline's in place, and with a smile on her face
They resemble that of Dolly Parton!
We try to be kind, but you must keep in mind
As we say now in verses and rhymes
Every time you bend over to pick up that clover
That gravity sure sucks sometimes.
With summer a commin', I wouldn't try runnin'
On days that are muggy and hot
But when your boyfriend comes pouncing, and they do start their bouncing
They still will be comfortable.....NOT!!!!
This may be a quirk, but if this doesn't work
You can still take your doctor to court
You can say that he lied, that your living bra had just died
And you're suing for lack of support!!!
The poet comments, "How do I submit more than a one verse limerick???? I hope this comes through....."
Toast Point comments, "Not like that, Dave. Just submit a form for each limerick, and add a note in the comments that it's a multi-verser, 1 of 5, 2 of 5, and so on."
The Sage also comments that while Dave's first verse is a limerick, he then devolves into a sort of Gilbert-esque AABCCB form which is not limerickal.
Where er' I go, where er' my place
Wi' monie a vow and lock'd embrace
A fist o' wool
A rearward pull
Those sheep have such a pretty face!
Now green's the sod and caulds the clay
Where I first tup'd a bovidae
A shepherd'ss life
Without a wife
Leads many a lonely Scot astray!
Rearward turned, her face doth beckon
Tonight to her I'll go I reckon
Though one thing bad
It makes me mad
That collie's making me go second!
My first time was so sweet
With her mother there at my feet
When asked one day
Wad' her Mom say?
She just let out a bleat!
Esmerelda, a known kinky bitch
Loved switches and whips as her niche.
At times, it was boring,
Just constantly whoring,
And she'd fall asleep at the switch!
A man had a pickle, he sucked it.
That man saw a ball, he ducked it.
The man was so lucky,
To be a good hucky,
So he took his women and f**ked it.
A poet who's called Cybercelt
A terrible blow to me dealt
When thinking of jigs
And shagging of pigs
It was his own fingers he smelt
The poet comments, "A flamer for Keith"
There was a young fellow from Wemyss
Who had most abundant wet dremyss
When his father said 'Frank
Is it true that you wank?'
He said 'Yes, but too rarely, it semyss!'
The poet comments, "Wemyss is a town near Glasgow, Scotland which is pronounced to rhyme with 'Dreams' (and 'seems')."
Want a Limerick about Scotsmen and Sheep?
As a task that isn't too steep.
For a Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am,
With a nice Highland lamb,
Just lift the kilt and shove it in deep!
There was a Scots Highlander who
Would shout, "Yoohoo to you, you Ewe you!
Could you, sweet Ewe ,
Do with a screw?
Should you, please do, you know who!"
To write Limericks about Scotsmen and Lambs,
Here are a few things on which you should cram:
They clean the sheep's ass of silt,
Then they whip up their kilts,
And always spray their peckers with Pam!
A woman whom smoking had hooked,
With her doctor a visit had booked.
When he asked, with perplex,
If she smoked after sex,
"I don't know," she said, "I've never looked."
Poor Patrick thought nothing was neater
Than driving a tiny two-seater--
But it wasn't an Austin,
He wasn't in Boston,
And he lost not just balls but his peter!
While repairing his automobile,
A zoologist couldn't conceal
Unmistakable panic
When a mechanic
Suggested that he'd blown a seal.
"My wife would great pleasure derive
Making love in our auto," said Clive.
"She says it's such a treat,
Balling in the back seat.
Problem is, she expects me to drive."
She said to her boyfriend, "Good Lord!
It's one thing to screw in a Ford.
But not in a race
With six cops giving chase,
And us out on this thin running-board."
A slick auto salesman named Slade
Gloated over a deal he'd just made.
"This new car for my wife,
Should improve my love life,
And it's not, I might add, a bad trade."
When the Church offers freedom, priests grab it;
Not one of them mutters, "Dagnabbit!"
But sisters hang back
From a spree in the sack,
Because they are creatures of habit.
A Greek who came bearing a gift
Left his girlfriend a bit more than miffed;
If she had been wary
Instead of so merry,
Perhaps she would not have been syph'ed.
What's the matter with these horny Greeks?
They will tease you with foreplay for weeks,
Till you beg and you plead
For the full dirty deed,
But they'll never use Trojans, the freaks!
The Greeks are a fanciful race.
They've a game that I'll cite as a case.
The rules, more or less,
Are that you have to guess
A girl's weight, as she sits on your face.
"Eden" is a fable at best.
Just two begat all the rest?
The story doth amaze me.
No wonder we're crazy,
If we all are the product of incest!
The story of Eden is funny,
However, it's not "on the money."
When Eve saw the "snake,"
She cried, "Gimme a break."
Said Adam: "This ain't no snake, honey!"
Lady Di pouted, "Pooh! He's inhuman,
For he spends all his time with his bloomin'
Cetacean females.
He's a prince to those whales,
But to me he's just Alfred E Newman."
(A E N - idiotic-looking mascot of Mad magazine)
An aspiring young lady named Root
Longed to master the art of the flute.
This exceeded her means
So she settled for beans,
Since she knew they would make her astute.
A talented Greek was Achilles:
His prowess gave Trojans the willies;
When the battle was spent,
He would pitch his own tent--
Why, he could have played ball for the Phillies.
No dancer, the buxom Miss Treadwell,
However, her clothes she does shed well.
Her voluptuous tits,
Give rich old men fits,
Therefore, I predict she will wed well.
A story not apt to inspire us
Was found on an ancient papyrus;
It seems that when Moses
Came down with sclerosis,
He prayed not to God, but Osiris.
There was a young lady named Ford
Who found herself now and then floored,
Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top of the staired--
And occasionally revolving doored.
On this Bible I'm happy to swear
I'll hire Ross's stylist for my hair,
And solemnly affirm
That during my term,
At gals with big tits I'll not stare.
Eight presidents' names end with Son;
Two Johns, but of Jacks only one;
One Harri, One Madi;
Poor Nix was the baddy;
Jeffer wrote, and Wil bested the Hun.
Going out when the spring wind was bold,
My coiffure needed hair spray to hold.
Grabbed a can off the table,
Not reading the label;
Now my hair is a permanent gold.
Si went to the circus one day,
Resolved to get in without pay.
He ducked under the tent;
No one learned where he went,
For the elephant thought he was hay.
In hopes of avoiding embarrassment,
Ewell Harris, sans closet, to Paris went,
To seek friends 'tres gai',
But folks knew right away--
And laughed at the sex Ewell Harris meant.
A blond with an oversized box
Thought: Gorillas have very big cocks.
Her son's a fine lad.
His looks are not bad,
But his knuckles, they drag when he walks!
The faithful companion is dead.
The Lone Ranger filled him with lead.
This result came about,
When the Ranger found out
That "Kemo-sabe" always meant "Shit-head."
There was a young plumber named Lee,
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
"Oh Please! Stop your plumbing!
There is somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
There was a plumber from Wheeling
Who was plumbing with passion and feeling.
"Do you like it?" he pled.
"Not really," she said,
"But I like the designs on the ceiling."
A fat female plumber from Leigh
Was plumbing a lad by the sea.
When he said, "Someone's coming,"
She answered, still plumbing,
"I'll try to bend over and see."
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
There was a young plumber from Pau
Was plumbing a maid in the bois.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
There's somebody coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "C'est moi".
A short-peckered plumber named Heep
Plumbed a maid in the back of a jeep.
"Are you coming?" he cried.
"Not a chance," she replied,
"I had almost fallen asleep."
A classical plumber, Ben Hur,
Plumbed a girl on a rug made of fur.
He heard someone coming,
But kept right on plumbing.
He figured, "It's probably her."
A homosexual plumber named Jim
Plumbed his lover in a corridor dim.
Said the lover, "Keep plumbing,
I think that I'm coming."
Jim sighed; he wished it were him.
A poorly endowed plumber named Pym,
Swapped wives with a friend on a whim.
Asked Pym, while plumbing,
"Is anyone coming?"
"If there is," said his partner, "it's them."
There once was a plumber named Gus,
Who plumbed a young girl on a bus.
Said she, "Stop your plumbing,
I hear people coming."
Said the plumber, "Perhaps it is us."
And, of course, there's the old plumber who
Was plumbing a lady named Lou.
"Get out of my bed,
Someone's coming," she said.
"Relax," said the plumber, "It's you."
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
An educated plumber from Rye
Plumbed the same girl on the sly.
Said the girl, "Hold it dear,
Someone's coming, I fear."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "'Tis I."
A plumber plumbed a lady named Cyd,
Who was fearful of having a kid.
"While plumbing," said she,
"Don't come inside me."
Said the plumber, "Too late. I just did."
A plumber was plumbing Miss Schule.
She said, "Stop your plumbing, you fool.
It's a waste of good plumbing
For you'll not be coming.
I'm afraid you've forgotten your tool."
A lively young lady named Kate
Said, "The leak in the bath, it can't wait".
Came the plumber next minute
While she was still in it;
Now she's a cute plumber's mate.
The plumber, a man I admired,
Lamented, "Oh why was I hired?
Fixing faucets and such
Keeps me working too much.
You know, I am really plumb tired!"
There was a young plumber, McNary,
With erections that hardly would vary.
In a girl's school one night,
Before morning light,
He knocked up the whole seminary!
A plumber whose name was Tom Brink,
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Tom Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
A plumber from Lowater Creek
Was called in by a dame with a leak.
She looked so becoming
He fixed all her plumbing,
And didn't emerge for a week.
A plumber, along with his tools,
Was lost in some septic tank pools.
Although it's a pity
The corpse was so shitty,
You can't say he fell between stools.
There once was a plumber hirsute;
Girls thought him exceedingly cute.
When their passionate sighs
Met his questioning eyes,
They joined through the regular route.
A plumber said, "Leave me alive,
I'm twenty, too young for this dive."
Said St. Peter, "Indeed?
You've aged with great speed.
By your time-sheets, you've turned ninety-five."
