The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Naughty Entries from December, 1997

from Poets Who Should Be Ashamed of Themselves!

last updated January 1 - Happy New Year!

Al Willis shares a classic 12/31/97

The poet comments, "From The Lure of the Limerick; those writers were great."

FCA writes 12/31/97

This wee bonnie Irish young lass
Fell asleep in the meadow, after Mass
She woke up and discovered
She was naked but covered
By a very heavy jew on the grass!

The poet comments, "I have no wish to be flogged so did not post this in Squeaky Clean. There is a classic I vaguely remember with a similar storyline."

Al Willis writes 12/30/97

The poet comments, "I hope this is the first time I submitted this one."

Jennifer writes 12/29/97

There's a question designed to perplex.
What's better than mechanical sex?
I've searched hi & low
Seems I've lost my dil-do!
Now I'm in a horrible vex!

There's a question designed to perplex.
Why is a man's ego so complex?
Is it the size of his dick
That makes a man tick?
Or maybe its just his genus - sex?

The poet comments, "Men just can't help that they are men! Can't live with-em - can't live without-um!"

It is said Mr. Gore is a bore.
Who couldn't satisfy even a whore.
Tipper's screwin around
In that bad DC town
Soon he'll be VP no more!

Now Hillary's known as a leader.
Whose husband can't even please'r
Rumor she's makin it with Tipper
The Professor, Gilligan & Skipper.
But I think she's just a cockteaser!

The Sage warns the poet to stop submitting naughty entries on the squeaky-clean form, or risk a flogging.

FCA writes 12/29/97

"I know just what I want for my present" !
Said the wife in a rage, incandescent.
"When I hinted 'distant and hot'
I meant Hawaii, you clot
Not a picture of the Sun from our crescent!"

The poet comments, "Do you have "Crescents" in the States ? In England they are residential street names eg. 54, Millbank Crescent............."

No, not really, but we sort of know what they are.

Sam Pittman writes 12/28/97

A prelate of very high station
Was found by a pious relation
On top, in a ditch
Of, I won't say a bitch
But a woman of low reputation!

Jennifer writes 12/26/97

Annie Mae Hentai writes 12/26/97

Jennifer writes 12/26/97

You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
For he's fucked too many a skeezer
Now he has a big rash
On his fat hairy ass
Yuck! What a nasty old geezer!

CyberCelt spent most of Christmas writing

I know just what I want for my present!
A penis enlarger, and crescent
With no "if's" or "buts"
I'd tighten my nuts
And have a penis size BIGGER than pleasant!

The poet comments, "I dont know about anywhere else in the world, but in New Zealand a "Cresent" is an adjustable spanner. (just thought i should clear that up before everyone out there went "DOH?""

Toast Point, after fixing the spelling, realized that the poet is referring to what we Americans call a "crescent wrench".

While cuddled up under the blanket
With a girl who I know from Melankitt,
I stripped off with ease
And said "Darling, please...
Would you mind awfully much if I wank it !

The poet comments, "Melankitt ? I know its a bit obscure, but you try and find a place name that rhymes with blanket !"

While visiting Santa's North Pole
A sheep from his stable I stole,
I was quickly erect
But whats this I detect?
The cold air had frozen its hole!

The poet comments, "CyberCelt manages yet again to bring sheep shagging into the spotlight! (does anybody think i need professional help?)"

Toast Point didn't know Santa kept sheep, but wouldn't be surprised, with all those elves and things running around.

You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
Keeping your deceased wife in the freezer
Through she's terribly rigid
And incredibly frigid
Frozen pussy, I hear, is a pleaser!

Said a girl with a lisp from Gore
"My Vaginath incredibly thore
There ith thomething amith
When I take a pith -
I dont think I'll have thex anymore!

Carol, my lovely bethrothed,
A particular habit of mine loathed,
I'm awake late at night
And strange verse's I write
But I sit at the 'puter unclothed !

The poet comments, "Hmmmm..makes you wonder where i get the inspiration for some of the filth that I write!"

A Leper who came from La Tound
Grabbed his penis and twisted it round
"It looks like it's rooted"
Je woefully muted
As the knob dropped onto the ground!

Jacques D'Monke writes 12/24/97

Al Willis writes 12/24/97

Prince Eaglehead writes 12/23/97

The poet comments, "Pick a just dessert!"

There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.
But that bulge in my crotch feels just right
You won't feel the cold
If you grab a good hold
And we'll fuck till the dawn's early light!

The Scarlet Pumpernickel writes 12/23/97

Violet writes 12/23/97

The poet comments, "merry merry xmas and happy new year, all."

The Sage just had to get his nasty little fingers into that one - apologies to the poet.

One of Santa Claus' elves (name McGoo)
Asked one day of his boss, "Is it true?
That Ms. Claus is a fox
With a tight little box
Who, when coming, lets out a great "MOO!"?"

The poet comments, "FA-LA-LA-LA-LA"

FCA writes 12/23/97

While visiting the city of Cologne
I had a drink at the BunnyClub, alone
"What's yours ?" , smiled a bunny
"I'd love two liqueurs, honey"
She sniffed and said "Go lick your own"!

The poet comments, "It's quite amazing how these poems come about - this one started from some early thoughts on '-nope, wanna use my own' "

Professor M-G writes 12/22/97

FCA writes 12/22/97

That Rudolph and Yukon Cornelius!
Say "We're unsure the gay life's ideally us.
We could choose, it appears
To pick up some 'dears'
Or go to that stag party at Amelia's!"

Al Willis writes 12/22/97

The poet comments, "Was he a king or a prince? Anybody remember?"

Chilly-Willy writes 12/21/97

Annie Mae Hentai writes 12/20/97

Al Willis writes 12/20/97

The poet comments, "There's a marketing idea for the British."

FCA writes 12/19/97

I know just what I want for my present!
Not a pear-treed partridge, but a pheasant !
Though pheasant-plucking is
Not a pleasant fucking biz
I'll be the only peasant pheasant-plucker present!

The poet comments, "Apologies for the "fowl" language"

While visiting Santa's North Pole
They couldn't find Clinton a role.
The presents were wrapped
And the reindeer had crapped. . . . . . . . . .
"I have an idea", said Bob Dole.

While cuddled up under the blanket
She murmured quite softly, "Dear Frank, it
Wass quite a dismay
To find you were gay,
Can you pass my vibrator and crank it?"

The poet comments, "Must have been an old gasoline-driven machine !"

There's a question designed to perplex
Why giraffes always smile during sex ?
Some scientists surmise
It's the commensurate size
Of their sexual organs and necks!

In England we call "Madaarna" Madonna
Though we don't call a banana a banonna
But however you spiel it
Madonna will peel it
And her next act explain to His Honour !

The poet comments, "Thanks to Al for reminding me that American English can rhyme Maddonna with Pihrana"

FCA writes 12/19/97

The poet comments, "Perhaps Rueben was the one who "was bathing in oil" in November !"

The Friar (ex Dick Slimier) writes 12/18/97

The poet comments, "Ahhhh the pleasures of wife!"

LOWCOO writes 12/18/97

Al Willis writes 12/17/97

Jabbo Stokes from 'Bama writes 12/17/97

Santa's reindeer don't fare too much better
That is why they repose like the "Setter."
First, he lurks oh-so-near,
On his face that "lewd leer."
Later on, the deer's butt is much wetter!

Yo shares a classic 12/17/97

DoGooder writes 12/16/97

Al Willis writes 12/16/97

Toast Point comments, "This could be Danny Partridge spying on the Bradys. Maybe I should put this in the Brady Bunch contest?"

Oddo Von Schlong writes 12/16/97

I know just what I want for my present!
A plump and obliging young pheasant
Whom I'd stuff from behind
Til' it loudly opined
"Roasting to me, is more pleasant!"

The poet comments, "About the wee bonnie Irish lass, Oh! Scots are notoriously thick?"

While visiting Santa's North Pole
Just south of his last jellyroll
Mrs. Claus made the head
All shiny and red
While Santa just puffed on a bowl!

We gay boys can make Christmas merry!
In ways that some folks think are scary
A phallic symbol in lights
Big elves dressed in tights
With all cheeks red and quite hairy!

While sitting there spinning his dreidel
With his feet propped up on a table
His scrotum does sag
Like a used-up teabag
Pouring on chicken soup by the ladle!

The poet comments, "Who says "it can't hurt"?"

While cuddled up under the blanket
If you see a bare ass, you must spank it
If you feel a dick
About three inches thick
Then be a good friend and please yank it!

Spank it and yank it seem to be the popular rhymes with this first line. Once again, we've come up with a toughie...

You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
Had a young maid but then tried to squeeze 'er
Into your bed
To give you some head
When denied you called her prick teaser!

Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy
Made men and most animals randy
She wore not a shirt
And a short see-through skirt
That made most of her goods quite handy!

FCA writes 12/16/97

Toast Point thinks that Bert might be on the fence...

Welsh Rarebit writes 12/16/97

The poet comments, "Credit to my dad - this one is twenty years old at least !"

Toast Point has seen variants of this before. This is a good'un though.

JASMINE writes 12/16/97

While visiting Santa's North Pole
I fall into a hole.
I struggled and pulled myself up,
And I finally got up!
But one of my legs remained in the hole!

Annie Mae Hentai writes 12/15/97

While cuddled up under the blanket
And your boyfriend wants you to spank it
Say "What the hell"
He'll never tell
And then you can grab it and yank it!

You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
Boy, you'll never be able to squeeze her
Every penny you pinch
Buy some sex toys, you grinch!!
So that you'll really be able to please her!

We gay boys can make Christmas merry!
We're Santa's elves, Chaz, Screech, and Perry
The work we don't mind
When we screw from behind;
We never popped any girl's cherry!

Laetitia was a fine young lass
Who was the best of the whole senior class
Which did all her classmates perplex
Her secret was some major league sex
Cause she really was dumb as an ass!

Chilly-Willy writes 12/15/97

The poet comments, "If you stank and you know it...."

Roderick writes 12/15/97

Steve writes 12/15/97

You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
A lonely and horny ol' geezer.
You need Christmas cheer...
Go find you a dear
Young girl who will let you squeeze her!

Blowcephus writes 12/15/97

While visiting Santa's North Pole
Mrs. Claus kept me from the cold.
She gave me a gift
Of her pussy and tits,
And that was much better than coal!

While visiting Santa's North Pole
With a horny young woman I know,
She said' "Santa's dick
Is quite long and thick,
But I wouldn't call it a pole!"

Mike M. writes 12/15/97

Wildman writes 12/15/97

FCA writes 12/15/97

Professor M-G writes 12/15/97

FCA writes 12/15/97

Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy
Really thought that Napoleon was dandy.
But Josephine, the Empress
Yelled, "Police - arrest this temptress
She's no license to make Napoleon B. randy. !"

Chilly-Willy writes 12/13/97

The poet comments, "Don't buy "candy" from anyone named Julia. You might be unpleasantly surprised!"

Chilly-Willy also expressed his enjoyment of Wildman's 11/28 limerick from last month.

Al Willis writes 12/12/97

FCA writes 12/12/97

The poet comments, "The English "to join a queue" = the American "to join a line""

Anonymous writes 12/11/97

KRBM writes 12/10/97

There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.
I beg my bitch not to bite.
For she gives me head,
Which I sometimes dread.
I would like to keep my schlong tonight!

Dick Slimier writes 12/10/97

FCA writes 12/10/97

Dick Slimier writes 12/10/97

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a clever one!

Silly But Chilly-Willy writes 12/09/97

The poet comments, "I can't believe she snips her man's wang, then beats her mother. Boy, she's mental!!....."

Blowcephus writes 12/09/97

Said Santa, without any pause,
"I have a great sex life because
The elves love to suck,
And for a great fuck,
There's reindeer and ol' Mrs. Claus!"

The poet comments, "Furry Christmas to all and to all a hot night!"

Santa was caught with young Sue Poff,
In bed with his boots and red suit off
The thought makes me shiver,
Now he can't deliver
Because Mrs. Claus shot his root off!

The poet comments, "Rudolph?? "

Dick Slimer writes 12/08/97

KRBM writes 12/08/97

Silly But Chilly-Willy writes 12/08/97

The poet comments, "How do reindeer taste, eh?"

Toast Point, the ignorant American, has no idea what a blunt is...

It is said Mr. Gore is a bore
Because his wife Tipper's a whore!
Her nasty-ass clit
Drools and spits
While Al hits it with her on the floor!

The poet comments, "Ol Gore's a damn bore"

There's a question designed to perplex.
When a woman asks. "do you want sex?"
That's almost like sayin'
Does Harley know Dav'son?
Or if a spring can flex?

The poet comments, "That is a perplexing question, eh?"

Dick Slimer writes 12/07/97

Al Willis writes 12/07/97

The poet comments, "Look out! Incoming!"

FCA writes 12/07/97

Mike M. writes 12/06/97

Wildman writes 12/06/97

Annie Mae Hentai writes 12/05/97

The poet comments, "Honk if you're horny!"

Keldar the Great writes 12/05/97

LOWCOO writes 12/05/97

The poet comments, "DO YOU WANT TO WITH RENO?"

Al Willis writes 12/05/97

The poet comments, "'tis a shame, me lad."

FCA writes 12/05/97

Al Willis writes 12/04/97

Annie Mae Hentai writes 12/04/97

The poet comments, "A little Christmas perversion"

Why is that whip in your closet?
Sitting on your NASDAQ composite?
Are you really rich?
Then I'll be your bitch
And in MY bank you can deposit!

Ol' Santa and his elves
Were stocking toys on the shelves
The elves think it so corny
When Santa gets horny
And into Miss Claus's pussy he delves!

The poet comments, "I know...I have a SICk sense of humor"

There once was this kid in my class
She really was a strange lass
Brad Pitt offered her sex
But all she perplexed
Saying "I' want to be fucked up the ass!"

FCA writes 12/03/97

The poet comments, "Perhaps you would let me know if this song has been "Limerickised" already ?"

Not on this page! But Toast Point remembers something from his naughty childhood like:
Nothing could be finer than my dick in her vagina in the moooooorning....
Nothing could be sweeter than her lips around my peter in the moooorning...

Toast Point also apologizes for fiddling with the submission, just a bit.

Dick Slimer writes 12/02/97

Al Willis writes 12/02/97

Silly but Chilly-Willy writes 12/02/97

The poet comments, "Well, it's time to get into the holiday spirit,eh?"

Ewwww!

FCA writes 12/02/97

Bravo, Al!

D.Mac writes 12/01/97

• Read the Naughty Limericks from November!
• Back to the Toast Point Limerick Contest!
• Back to the Toast Point Page!