The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from May, 1999
Few and Far Between
last updated June 2
The Toast Point Limerick contest is going on hiatus in June for an indeterminate length of time.
The hiatus of which you have heard
In five minutes will just have occurred ...
So then why do I wait
Till it's so very late
To submit? — 'Cos I want the last word!
And you shall have it, Prof!
Observer writes 05/31/99
An amply-blessed woman named Joyce,
While at a mall, heard a male voice
Quite rudely announce:
"You go bouncy-bounce-bounce...
I don't think your stretch pants have a choice!"
The poet comments, "Enjoy your well-deserved hiatus! Thanks for all the hard
work you do for us limerickers."
You're welcome, and thank you!
Bananadog writes 05/31/99
In four minutes we are all going to die,
There's a mushroom cloud in the sky:
And I'm stuck at the door
With my mother-in-law
And she just won't let me by!
The poet comments, "i am an haiku writer really, but i do like to dally! Rude one
next?"
On Memorial Day, an old Vet
Tried his uniform on for a bet ...
As he strained to look thin
He said, "Sucking me in
Helps remember my army corps set!"
Observer writes 05/30/99
An old lady of ninety named Gert,
Said, "At my age I'm not too alert.
I'm plagued with arthritis
And chronic bronchitis,
But I'm thankful my wrinkles don't hurt!"
Nobel-winning physicists chortle:
"This potion will make us immortal!"...
At once, they all quaff ......
Says St. Peter, "Be off! —
Only mortals can pass through this portal!"
A grammarian challenged: "What sense
Hath the future pluperfect past tense?
Will you find it? — Nowhere!" ...
But I answered his dare:
Grandma's will had had orders for hence!
Observer writes 05/29/99
While working, a painter named Puckett.
Watched a ladder fall... He failed to duck it.
With a lump on his head,
He nervously said,
"I came close to kicking the bucket!"
Once a mumbler, who wanted to stop
A vast tic in his tum, booked an op
With, he thought, a neurologist ...
But alas, an urologist
Heard "vasictummy" — so he went chop!
The poet comments, "Best to speak clearly"
Is Bush cheap, or expensive? 'Tis moot:
Into Texas he'll drop-parachute
Ex-prez sky cover's dear ...
But the savings are clear —
Who needs cops for a limo's planned route?
The poet comments, "Rhymes if you're British"
Suni writes 05/28/99
There once was a poet from Rome
Whose shack could hardly be called home
It laughed at the door
And screamed cross the floor
And when asked it would lend you a comb.
The poet comments, "A crazy rhyme that makes no sense, don't you love it!?"
Who LED IN THE AIR GAMBLE made?
Who rued a LAME HIT IN BELGRADE?
HAD BELLIGERENT AIM?
Is IT DEALING HER BLAME? ...
Scrabbles MADELEINE ALBRIGHT has played!
Observer writes 05/28/99
A furious druggist named Whiting,
Whom with a physician was fighting...
Had a conniption,
O'er a prescription,
'Cos neither could read the doc's writing!
Friar writes 05/27/99
“You should backup your work”, says my mom
“Onto tape or disk or CD Rom”
But it’s such a schlepp, man!
I’ve a much better plan
I just send them to Toastpoint dot com!
A snail came and begged at my door
CROSS! I threw him five miles, maybe more
I was in for a shock
Ten years later - a knock!
It was him saying “What was that for?”
Observer writes 05/27/99
A pretty young florist named Schumers,
A victim of mistaken rumors,
Was too hastily fired
After she was inspired
To show all the patrons her bloomers!
Observer writes 05/26/99
My woman and I were distraught,
So help from an expert was sought...
The advice that he had
Was, "Don't go to bed mad!"
So we stayed up all night and fought!
What's the difference — one guy's volunteered
To peel onions, the other's been sheared
Of his locks on the side? ...
One's become teary-eyed
And the other's become tidy-eared!
Observer writes 05/25/99
"I ate twelve hard-boiled eggs," boasted Lou,
To his friend, "And that's two more than you!"...
As they both left the bar
On the way to their car-
Said his buddy, "Well, that's quite a phew!"
Beaner writes 05/25/99
There once was a cat name of Ives,
Who jumped in a dishpan of knives.
He cut off his toes,
And punctured his nose,
And now he has only eight lives!
Once a chemist I knew, Molly Cule
Taught atomic collisions at school
Bouncing hard colored balls
Off rectangular walls ...
Now she's tripled her pay, playing pool!
Observer writes 05/24/99
An unfortunate farmer named Dow,
Lost his left leg and arm to a plow
In a bad accident,
On a hill, in descent...
His physician says, "He's all RIGHT now!"
Letterwoman writes 05/24/99
I wrote a long letter and mailed it
On his tush the mailman did sit
The mail did not go
Not 'cuz of the snow
My letter my love will not get
Demosthenes, an orator of skill,
Could petrify an audience still;
He invoked Medusa's locks
As he chewed on some rocks
And spat Sisyphus to the top of the hill.
Two colonels, between desert bases
Once ordered their men: "Stop — oases!" ...
Informed entourages —
Who knew these mirages —
With glee, watched them both sand their faces!
Dad shares a classic 05/23/99
Il y a un jeune homme de Dejon
Qui ne croit pas en aucune religion.
Il dit "Quant à moi,
J'ai rejeté tous trois:
Le père et le fils st le pigeon."
The poet comments, "3rd line: accent grave over "a"
4th line: accent acute over last e in rejete
5th line: accent grave over 1st e in pere"
Toast Point is too lazy to actually correct the characters. Sorry, Dad.
Once a chap with a headache called Lee
Took his car for a drive by the sea
And returned without pain ...
Said his wife, "Please explain"...
"I had Mot'rin and water," said he!
An actress called Lucci on cable
Whose Emmy near misses are fable
Played Erica Kane
Eighteen years without gain —
But the nineteenth confirms Kane was able!
At Clontarf the Irish and Danes Set To.
The high king tho winning was stabbed through and through.
The Danes tried, it's said
But the day went instead
To the boys true and blue of Brian Boru.
The poet comments, "If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of
progress?"
A diner's most privileged client
Called "Waiter, my soup's got a fly in't!" ...
"We know, Mr Prez
Said the waiter — he says
Mr Starr's office hired him to spy in't!"
Said a spy who seduced engineers
"In this cornfield we're safe — have no fears" ...
But despite utmost care
'Twas no secret affair —
They forgot that a cornfield has ears!
Once a snail doffed its shell for a race
And wore paint as disguise in its place ...
With no shell on its back
It outdistanced the pack —
But got fined for not keeping snail's pace!
Hiatus of length that's uncertain?
Observer and I will be hurtin' ...
Toast Point, thanks for the show —
But we've ten days to go
And we'll pack 'em in down to the curtain!
An intergalactic explorer
While sleeping, was such a loud snorer
Astronomers heard
Her and wrongly inferred
A new radio-wavelength aurora!
The poet comments, "Aurora apnealis?"
Now Chu Chullain was both heroic and brave
When faced with a challenge exceedingly grave.
The slaughter was dreadful
When chasing the Red Bull,
He gave fierce battle to Auld Queen Maeve.
The poet comments, "Some days you're the dog, others you're the hydrant!"
Android13 writes 05/21/99
There once was a horse named Claire,
Who spoke to her master, Pierre!
The master was freaked,
And jumped to his feet,
And ran off to....who knows where?!?!?!?
The poet comments, "My pen name, as you know is Android. I am 13 years old!"
Toast Point says he's going on vacation
What a serious loss to the nation
With no place to express
We could suffer duress
And a country wide Limerikitis 'festation.
Some friends of a spendthrift, Teresa
Rechristened her Tower of Pisa
'Cos the lean on the wall
Of the tower is small
When compared to the lien on her Visa!
A practical joker, McCarty
In life had been healthy and hearty ...
"I'm shocked," friends all said
At his wake, "that he's dead" —
Then he rose, and said "Thanks — what a party!"
An Englishman, name of Carruthers
Would often say, "Had I my druthers" ...
But given his way
He had nothing to say —
He just rather'd the druthers of others!
Observer writes 05/18/99
There once was a musical fellow
Whom lived his life healthy and mellow.
He said, "It's a riddle-
I'm fit as a fiddle...
So why am I shaped like a cello?"
No good deed goes unpunished, they say
Since we stopped throwing newsprint away
We've recycled in reams ...
But now old news, it seems
Keeps resurfacing day after day!
Observer writes 05/17/99
There once was an old fellow named Gantz,
Whom while trying to learn how to dance,
Messed up on the waltz part,
When he made a false start,
After stopping to pull up his pants!
There was a young man named Volder-Wendt
Who performed a dramatic event;
Bungee jumping - his fame
Was his enjoyable game
Whilst toppling in a continuous descent.
The poet comments, "Thanks very much for your constructive criticism. Ignorance
is bliss as they say. I did not know the syllable rule. How about this one then!
Regards
Have a great day
Jaqui
"
For her latest publicity gag
Cindy Crawford expects to outsag
Moore of Vanity Fair
With her pregnant bod bare
On the cover of W mag!
A recaptured malfeasant called Sam
Told the judge his escape was no scam
'Cos he'd now reformed fully ...
The judge said, "Sounds woolly" —
Said Sam, " Well, I've been on the lam!"
J. Crawford writes 05/16/99
There once was a boy named Jed
And Jed had a very large head
He sat under the willow
and cried on his pillow
And then he wet his bed
Salt Lake City is on the alert
For an aircraft that's dumping its dirt ...
But an airline has blamed
A strange dinosaur, named
Soar-'n'-drop-it-tricks by their ex-pert!
Observer writes 05/15/99
A Michigan boozer named Rand
Quite often drank more than he planned-
One evening in Lansing
He thought he was dancing...
'Til somebody stepped on his hand!
A distrustful young husband named Sid
Often lurked in the shadows and hid-
He ne'er kissed his wife,
But he used a knife
On an unlucky fellow who did!
At Los Angeles Zoo, there's a crop
Of chimp pregnancies no one can stop ...
Yet, of males in the fold
Two are toddlers, one's old
And the others have all had the chop!
The poet comments, "story's here"
A goldfish whom circling frustrated
Had from a good school graduated
With hopes of high rank
In an upscale fish tank ...
For a bowl, he's just too educated!
An explorer, so cool under heat
In a cannibal's pot, sang such sweet
Bedtime songs, his guard dozed ...
Till their roles juxtaposed —
One man's poise 'n' another man's meat!
Once a vintage wine drinker called Norm
Was confined by a gale to his dorm
When his stocks all ran dry ...
Room mates brought new wine by ...
And he drank — any port in a storm!
Observer writes 05/13/99
A middle-aged lady named Cottam
Went shopping for girdles and got 'em...
She'd once been a fine lassie
With an hour-glass chassis
But the sand had all gone to the bottom!
Mr.Davies shares a classic 05/13/99
There once was a teacher called Houghton
Who often would drink dry a fountain,
He feasted on pies,
Pigs' feet and sheep's eyes,
'Til his belly was big as a mountain.
Observer writes 05/12/99
A married mute couple, the Wrights,
Quite artfully settled their fights-
Since they were not oral,
To resolve a quarrel...
They simply just turned off the lights!
K R Swift (swiftyK) writes 05/12/99
Da Bunny wuz at our house last night
and the dog must a give it a fright
We got eggs and white fur
all around every wur
We sure hope da bunny's allright
Ma says to not carry on
There wasn't much blood where he'd gone
We got Lots a free eggs
and by easter day "regs"
Dat bunny will rise wid da dawn!
Edd writes 05/12/99
A plan to save Social Security, Get Real,
Just another Clinton plan, to from us steal,
He lives to lie,
He hopes we buy,
Then he can work on another crooked deal.
Mister Clinton has put us in debt,
We don't even know how much yet,
It's drop bombs there,
It's drop bombs Where??
But it's You and I who will pay, you can bet.
He used all our bombs and didn't buy more,
Do you think he really knows the score,
He hit the Embassy of China,
Now we have a mess Kinda,
Nobody knows if this could lead to war..
There once was a teacher from Mars
Who frequently played on the bars
One day she fell down
Her crown hit the ground
And all she could see were stars
A love can be like the ocean
With calmness or commotion,
With ships to and fro,
The breezes a-blow,
With no magic potion.
Observer writes 05/11/99
When the debutante grandly appeared,
All the guys in the room stood and cheered,
'Cos they were impressed
By the way she was dressed...
It was obvious she was well-reared!
Old Bill Aberground-Dawdling
Was arrested for habitually loitering,
When questioned about tarrying
His answer was blathering
So they locked him away for his babbling.
The poet comments, "My first go at a limerick. Constructive comments please.
"
Well, the first, second and fifth lines must rhyme with each other, and the 3rd and 4th with each other. Here, they sorta do, but not really.
Non Accurate Tomahawks Offloading
Non Armed Targets Overexploding
Not Apt to Outjoust
Nohow Able to Oust ...
Each an accurate NATO decoding!
I once knew a hermit called Esau
Who built his whole house on a seesaw ...
If guests wouldn't leave
He could make his house heave
Until soon folks a hermit at peace saw!
Missy Horn's little baby was born
'Neath an oak tree one fine summer morn ...
When she said, "Wise oak tree
Pick a babe's name for me"
It replied, "Little baby Ake Horn!"
Murphy's Limerick Law I define:
You've decided your limerick's divine —
No more change, this is IT —
So you click on Submit ...
Then you think of a much better line!
Observer writes 05/10/99
Two buddies while out on a spree,
Most clearly could not disagree-
When their waitress stumbled,
The beer glasses tumbled,
And she said, "Your drinks are on me!"
If ever you wanted some kicks
The Toast Point has got the right mix
Their fun is quite nice
They give great advice
And help you to post your own limericks
The poet comments, "Thanks for allowing us to share in the fun."
Observer writes 05/08/99
An old mummy thought, "I'm in a bind-
I suppose that it's all in my mind...
But there's not enough room
In an Egyptian tomb
For a guy to relax and unwind!"
A man told a beggar named Pettitt,
"If I've cash tomorrow, you'll get it!"
Said Pettitt, "I've learned
That a guy can get burned...
I'm sorry, but I don't give credit!"
A clairvoyant in Kansas, See Far
Said, "I'll go for a spin in my car" ...
When, soon after, a twister
Descended, his sister
Said, "My — how prophetic you are!"
Did Monica really audition
For Saturday Night Live's edition
Tonight? ... What's in store
If she guests? — must be more
Stand-up comedy in oral tradition!
Observer writes 05/06/99
A young love-struck teenager named Clyde
Asked his new girl if she'd be his bride.
She responded, "Why not?
It may be a long shot,
But I think we're both fit to be tied!"
Wrote King of Siam, "Abe, be cheerful —
Take elephants, also this earful:
They'll fight your war betterer
Et cetera, et cetera
And whistle whenever they're fearful!"
Replied Lincoln, "Dear King, be aware
We are grateful you'd help our warfare ...
But for breeding, et cetera
It's generally betterer
With one of each sex in the pair!"
Sigh, Toast Point remembers his grand moment playing the King when he was only 15!
Observer writes 05/05/99
A venturesome nudist named Garritt
Said, "This is the life...I declare it
Beats wearing tight clothes-
I therefore propose
That everyone just grin and bare it!"
If theories you ate high are porous
Why such a long neck, brontosaurus? ...
Perhaps it affords
You the long vocal cords
To sing bass in a dinosaur chorus!
The poet comments, "According to the April 30 edition of Science,
Brontosaurus couldn't have eaten treetops after all, because the bones in its neck would
have prevented it from lifting its head much above ground level"
Meditations on love by two swamis
So ravished two kissing gouramis
Whenever they pucker
They make such a sucker
Their fish tank's engulfed by tsunamis!
Beatnik Saraswathi shares a classic poem of some sort
05/05/99
Objective about a being
Subjective in being
Space and time in being
Am I being
Being I!
Observer writes 05/04/99
A political speaker named Hutch
Said, "The audience noises are such-
I can't hear myself speak!"
Smirked his foe, tongue-in-cheek,
"Well, don't worry...You ain't missin' much!"
A confident hunter says I'm aware of one sneaky o' hare
Who always roams in pairs
I being quite wise, I'll double my prize
The sneaky o' hare's forwarned his pair and split two separate ways.
The hunter realized with energy sized these hare's were no compare!
The poet comments, "I LIKE YOUR WEB SITE IT'S GREAT
THANK YOU FOR THE FUN Yvonne"
You're welcome, but PLEASE DON'T SUBMIT THE POEM IN ALL CAPS! And
check out the Hints on Limerick Structure page, too.
Once a knight, called Sir Menper, did go
Through a lake to save damsels in woe
Then he lit a huge fire
For to dry their attire ...
Horse is wet, Menper's pyre, ladies glow!
They say love makes the world go around ...
My friend Mark adores May, who has found
She loves Matt, who is gay
And loves Mark, who loves May
Who loves Matt ... and so on, without bound!
A mathematician called Madder
Whose snake scared his wife up a ladder
Was asked by her, "Pray —
Can you take it away?"
But replied, "No, I can't ... it's an adder!"
A most beautiful star called Michelle
On the rack will make People mag sell ...
But the rack she'd prefer
Is the kind to stretch her —
'Cos her leg-lengths, she says, don't excel!
The poet comments, "She wants longer legs and curls, apparently"
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