The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from April, 1999
Few and Far Between
Observer writes 05/01/99
A young lazy plumber, Max Drumming,
Sat snoozing, neglecting his plumbing.
His boss, in a tizzy,
Said, "Why aren't you busy?"
Said Max, "I did not see you coming!"
A vain woman, finding a stone,
Thought it might be precious to own.
But she found that the gem
Wasn't creme-de-la-creme,
So she left it and walked on alone.
The poet comments, "To Whom It May Concern,
This limerick, dear friends, was my first.
And though I know no one's side it will burst,
I thought it was a riot
And hope someone will buy it,
And make me rich... (Signed, Financially Cursed )
"
A charmer of snakes known as Madder
Once scared a poor dame up a ladder
"Oh, please!" she did say
"Can you take it away?" ...
He said, "Sorry, I can't — it's an adder!"
Nasty Adamant Tyrant Outmanned
Nix Albanians Treated Offhand
Newest Adolf's The One
Nightly Aircraft Take On:
Four new things for which NATO could stand.
A judge of immense superstition
Believing months' names have a mission
In March, hiked each day
Gave permissions in May
And in August showed stately condition!
The poet comments, "Nevertheless, in April he married June"
An old sage gave Big Bang the deep six
When convinced both that eggs precede chicks
And that chicks precede eggs ...
'Cos the logical dregs
Are that time could have had no first ticks!
I like to climb high in a tree
Way up to the top where you see
And down on the ground
People walking around
Really wanting to be high up like me.
Aseel writes 04/29/99
Professor M-G, you're so funny
You should publish and make lots of money
In the meantime
Put in more lines
And make my day so bright and sunny!!
The poet comments, "just had to put this in to Prof. M-G. Keep up the great lines!!"
One day while thinking aloud
A voice replied from the clouds:
"Will you please shut up
I'm trying to sup
And your thoughts are way too loud!"
There once was a girl named Jade.
On the corner she sold lemonade.
@ a dime a cup,
The kids drank it up.
Now, there's more to b made.
The poet comments, "for my daughter, jade."
There once was a man with a smile
That could be seen from over a mile
If you did good he grinned
The same if you sinned
But not if you yelled, "Sieg Heil!"
Possum writes 04/27/99
A young file clerk at a leading bank
Found his fortunes had suddenly sank
Back on the streets was he
Bank had changed "k" to "c"
The ex file clerk said, "That really stanc."
What grief he has found he incurs, he
Knows sunshine he so much prefers, he
Says, "Now I can't scuba,
Not going to Cuba.
Instead I must go to New Jersey."
That rocker O'Connor's contrary
Her views of the pope do so vary:
She tore up John Paul
On TV, you'll recall ...
Now she's Mother-Priest Bernadette Mary!
Observer writes 04/26/99
A young confident bridegroom named Hughes
Told his bride, "You've got nothing to lose,
'Cos I'm pure dynamite!"
She said, "You may be right,
But I fear you might have a short fuse!"
Once a lisper, on tour in Khartoum
Asked the Hilton to find him a room
In his style — which, he said,
Meant the room should be red ...
Now a soon-to-be mom calls him "Gwoom!"
The poet comments, "Would he have had better luck at the Witz?"
Amonymous writes 04/24/99
There was a grave robber from Laughlin
Who hid from the cops in a coffin;
One night the lid stuck,
He ran out of luck,
He'd jimmied that coffin too often.
Observer writes 04/24/99
I like to eat lots of fried meats,
And also junk food and sweet treats,
But now I'm unable
To sit at the table
Unless I am using two seats!
There once was a girl from Siam
And all that she ate was Spam
The spam did its trick
The girl, she got thick
And now she's as big as a ham!
Two rockers called Elton and Tina
Had planned a joint tour non sub poena
But then they rehearsed ...
At his playing she cursed ...
The result?— he won't share the arena!
Observer writes 04/23/99
An anxious old spinster named Rose
Never could get a man to propose...
Now a victim of scorn
All because she was born
In the year of our Lord only knows!
Says Doc Satcher — 'cos health is so lax
'Cos folks sit on their duffs and watch stacks
Of TV — for a week
Folks must not sit and peek ...
So let's all watch instead on our backs!
The poet comments, "National TV Turnoff Week, endorsed by the surgeon general, apparently began yesterday"
Once a pilot of choppers called Joe
Had a garden he hated to mow ...
Till a notion did dawn —
Now he flattens his lawn
Just by hovering over it low!
Observer writes 04/22/99
Said a one-legged fellow named Rick,
"Staying balanced is quite a hard trick-
But I've learned to stand
With no helping hand...
All considered, I really can't kick!"
"Who goes there?" called St. Pete ... "Stop that din —
Needn't knock if you're cleansed of your sin ...
Slob Milosevic? — Hey,
Go to Hell right away!" ......
"Sir, I did — but they won't let me in!"
M. E. ASCENTE writes 04/22/99
The poet was not oriental
But pursued verse pleasantly mental
He tried out Haiku
Remained in a stew
Being incurably occidental!
The poet comments, "Just found this web site -- GREAT!"
Why, thank you!
Observer writes 04/21/99
A week-end in Las Vegas is fun,
But too soon it's all over and done...
When you take chances
With your finances,
Money is lost in more ways than won!
Of their sons did three Catholics brag:
Mine's a priest — "Reverend Father" 's his tag ......
Well ... my bishop's "Your Grace" ......
But my stripper's the ace —
He's called "God" ... as in "God, you're a stag!"
The poet comments, "Based of course on the joke that's been going around for years"
Señor Wences, who just passed away,
At his wake was reported to say,
With his torso cremated,
his head lay in state,
"103? S'awright, S'O.K."
The poet comments, "Condolences to Pedro, Johnny, and Señora Wences."
DER writes 04/21/99
If Shakespeare were writing today
I think we would assume he was gay
He'd write all about
Pathetic people who're stout
And how they couldn't make out, even for pay.
Beelzebub writes 04/21/99
A putrid pronouncer named Penn
Said "again" so it rhymed with "amen".
It caused us such pain
That he said it again,
And again, and again, and again.
The poet comments, "Of course, if you pronounce it absolutely right, it rhymes with "orange"."
Author's Dilemma
All I've learned in this world, I've forgotten.
So, some education I've bought'en.
With my good intent
And money I've spent,
My readin' and writin's still rotten !
To be really smart,I am not.
'Lottsa' brains,I really don't got.
'Did 'lousy in school,
That's why I'm a fool;
How to speak,I even forgot !
I looked up my family tree.
I was shocked as ever could be.
There's no variations
In my past relations;
All were stupid and 'dumb',just like me !
To see me's a real sad sight:
I have trouble in standing upright.
The source of my trouble,
My back is bent double.
Doc says "my suspenders - too tight"!
Said Patricia, "It's fortunate that
"I found you -- I've wanted to chat."
She went on and on,
And then found me gone;
I'd discovered I couldn't stand pat!
Cephas Harte shares a classic 04/19/99
The limerick is furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Lest she slip to the slums,
Where she promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene!
The poet comments, "This one isn't mine. Does anyone know who wrote it?"
Beethoven justly may boast
That in music he did more than most.
His setting to Schiller
's "Ode to Joy" is a thriller,
Although he was deaf as a post.
Rousseau, the great libertarian,
Celebrated the noble barbarian.
Using science abysmal,
He found society dismal,
And made politics contractarian.
An Englishman well known as Hobbes
Had a most dreadful fear of the mobs.
Catholics he berated,
While Puritans he hated,
And Levellers drove him to sobs.
Young Alyosha F. Karamazov
Was made of high mystical stuff.
But his brother Vanya
Would be called, in Espana,
"muy loco!" And that is enough!
The poet comments, "Anyone else out there like Dostoyevsky?"
Ten million high school English teachers do.
Observer writes 04/19/99
A ram with romantic concern,
Regrettably, too late, did learn
'Bout that ninety-foot cliff!
He might still be here if
He'd only seen that last ewe turn!
Why'd the hat feather dandy Yank Doodle
Wore over his kit and caboodle
For riding a pony
Get called macaroni? ...
It lured young coquettes to ca-noodle!
A clairvoyant, Miss Tricky Rose Lee
In a blindfold, said: "Roll die for me ...
Count the dots which up face,
Then add those on the base —
If I guess the sum wrong, there's no fee!"
There was a General called Pinochet,
An aging leader that has had his day,
He hepped Maggie in war,
Overlooked by Jack Straw,
Who may let Spain now lock him away!
Observer writes 04/17/99
A bikini-clad girl named Lenore
Got exhausted while swimming to shore.
The entire lifeguard crew
All came to the rescue...
'Cos they thought she was worth wading for!
True to his parent's predictions,
A son with fallacious addictions
Brought opprobrium fame
To his father's proud name...
He's known as a man of convictions!
The poet comments, "I like to encourage the folks to learn a new word now and then."
Observer writes 04/16/99
A fisherman sits here a'cryin'!
Tonight there'll be no fish a'fryin'-
I sez to my dear wife,
"I will swear on my life...
I don't think my worm was a'tryin'!"
All in a day
I stepped away
I thought I would write
All day or night
To see what I had to say
The poet comments, "I figured i would write with my heart
"
Armando writes 04/16/99
There was a young man from Bombay
Who all of a sudden went gay!
The lady next door
Said to him in a roar
"Stay away from my husband, I say!"
A note to all idiots in schools
Who are planning on breaking the rules
If you wanna pass
Then cover your ass
Don't sit at the back with the fools
I met a young man in a bar
Who had his own home and a car
He got all that money
From alowing his honey
To flash at the guys from afar!
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 04/16/99
A drunk tourist in old Mexico
Claims he spotted a big UFO
On the way to his car
After leaving a bar
With a six-pack of cerveza to go!
What's the difference 'twixt old fogey Vic
And the passion to multiply quick
In an Irishman's blood? ...
One's a stick-in-the-mud —
And the other's the stud in a mick!
Observer writes 04/15/99
"I'm smarter than most," said Igor.
All his teachers he chose to ignore-
The ignorant fool
Then dropped out of school...
But forgot he was on the third floor!
Anonymous writes 04/15/99
Today is the day.
A crazy array.
Little goes right.
we put up a fight.
Is it really worth the pay?
Said George Bush, "Where is Kosovo near? —
I have heard they've had troops sent from here" ...
The reply was McCain's:
"No, I think only planes —
But I'll gladly debate you next year!"
Cole writes 04/14/99
There once was a girl named Jane
She was completely insane
She would dance in the street
Dressed like a parakeet
And got defeathered in the left turn lane!
Toast Point warns the poet not to submit poems in ALL CAPS again, please.
Kathy writes 04/14/99
"Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!"
I said to the waiter who stuck his tie in
So when he fished the fly out
We all gave a shout
And now there is no fly in my soup.
Someone writes 04/13/99
There once was a man who was a dork,
Who always loved to have pork.
He once went to town,
But came back with a frown,
Because he ate pork with a fork!
The poet comments, "Thank you! I know it is wonderful"
A Boston life saver called Hoover
While doing the Heimlich maneuver
Some food did dislodge
With such force ... his death dodge
Choked a fellow who yawned in Vancouver!
Mike Cope shares a classic 04/12/99
A programming poet named Green
Invented a haiku machine:
‘the syllable count
would steadily mount, then stop
when it reached seventeen’
The poet comments, "Written by Gus Ferguson - Thought you'd like it..."
Why, yes!
Observer writes 04/11/99
A young wannabe cowboy named Fred
Found duds stored in his grandfather's shed.
But he discovered that
The old ten-gallon hat
Was too big for his five-gallon head!
Wilder Than ME writes 04/10/99
I been exposed to so much, aint a pure thought in my mind, wanna take a shower of golden sun, done it all ain't a pulse in my
vain
Let it go, Let it go, Let it all go, Guess they expected to much,
I did what I did i can't regret, the past is the past and the future is gunna soon be the present
I love the truth but it burns me sole
Truth don't fail me now
The poet comments, "Please give me credit for this, I was in Junior High when I wrote this "
Sigh... it's lovely, but it's not a limerick.
Observer writes 04/10/99
There was a con artist named Lawton
Whose motives were commonly rotten-
O'er your eyes when he'd pull
The proverbial wool...
More often than not it was cotton!
An author named Brittany submitted a "limerick" that was far more appropriate for the
Fiction Contest, so I placed it there instead.
JuMpIn' JaCk writes 04/08/99
A shipyard employer named Tate
Hid out on the dock in a crate
And peered through a crack
So he could keep track
Of guys in came in to work late.
Who cares about rhyming with ‘orange’?
Well, me and Tom Robbins, sir. You’re inj-
udicious, perverse,
for scorning the verse
that rhymed ‘more inj-’ and ‘for inj’ with ‘orange’.
You talkin' to me?
Edd writes 04/08/99
One million refugees, oh my,
Will they live or will they die?
What can we do,
Or should they sue,
Mister Clinton, on you we rely.
Oh but that's really scary indeed,
It was you who proceeded without heed,
You bombed the Serbs,
To offset T.V. blurbs,
And we wre the ones to pay for the deed.
Observer writes 04/07/99
Said a mother to her loving mate,
"I'm in such an emotional state,
Raising triplets is rough
And I've tried to be tough
But those PTA meetings I hate!"
When the church bell at six tolled its dirge
Easter chicks were all meant to emerge ...
But there wasn't a peep —
They were all sound asleep
'Cos the time change killed all waking urge!
Observer writes 04/04/99
An old skeleton once known as Steve,
Thought, "No one ever comes here to grieve!
They're probably scoffin'
At me in my coffin...
If I had any guts I would leave!"
Auntie writes 04/04/99
I felt like I wanted to sneeze, so I snoze
Twas a bad thing for Aunt Martha's peas, I suppose
For there were six or eight
There on Aunt Martha's plate
And I think they're still looking for those!
Watch your meter, sweetie, the first two lines are too long!
There was an old maid who liked ham
And she spread every slice with plum jam.
She said "Listen, dagnabbit
Don't follow my habit
Or you'll be just as fat as I am!"
There we go...
Magunda writes 04/03/99
A lovely young Finn who went skiing
Waxed abstract on the essence of being
Her partners abhored
The rhetoric- Lord!
And focused solely on fleeing.
Observer writes 04/03/99
A young Irish couple, O'Dornan,
Heard cries in the night, without warnin'...
Their poor child was upset
'Cos its bed-sheet got wet
In the wee wee hours of the mornin'!
Sergeant, there’ll please be no more inj-
uries to the men. I’m not for inj-
ustice and strife,
though injustice is rife,
or else I’m not William of Orange.
The poet comments, "an attempt at formal verse's most intractable problem..."
Oranges, oranges, who cares?
A topless Floridian female
Once jilted an AT&T male ...
Still feeling desirous
He made her a virus —
And fully exposed it by email!
Observer writes 04/02/99
A lovely young Finn and a friend,
While skiing...could not comprehend
The proper technique-
Therefore, so to speak,
They both skied for hours on end!
The Toastpoint on WWW
Is a home of limericks 'n' haiku
Where poets archive
Their works, some pensive
And some that are never blue.
Pen-syve?
I was parked in the lane where folks pass
'Cos the rain was too deep on the grass ...
About tickets, I'd learned
Not to be too concerned —
'Cos the sheriff is taking my class!
The poet comments, "(in answer to Friar's 03/19/99 question)"
This is 555-1234
Where no one can answer the door
Or reply to the phone ...
So please wait for the tone
And leave number, when calling, and more!
The poet comments, "This is the message you get on my answering machine at home -- except for the number, which ends
in 4, but is otherwise different"
Observer writes 04/01/99
There once was a playful old geezer
Who'd pinch his young nurse, just to tease her,
But she didn't mind
'Cos she was inclined
To keep his bed-pan in the freezer!
On April the First, a professor
Whose lesson grew lesser and lesser
With each dummy found
Had been fooled by the sound
During roll, of a tape going "Yessir!"
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