The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from May, 1999
from Poets Who Should Be Ashamed of Themselves!
Last Updated June 2!
The Toast Point Limerick Contest is going on hiatus in June for an undetermined length of time.
Rhubarb's classics are here!
SAXMO shares a classic
05/31/99
That horny old Jedi, Darth Vader
Had foreskin as rough as a gator -
Princess Leia said "No,
That thing's got to go!"
But the force was with him, so he ate her!
When Lewis Carroll, with malice.
Fucked the bum of little Alice,
She screamed: "Don't go wild,
I'm only a wee child,
Do HER at Buckingham Palace!
The poet comments, "ugh! and if I think that..."
There was an old man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
And broke his cock
And now he's got a vagina!
The poet comments, "Dan says: 'NO BULLSHIT!'"
Now a warrior princess named Olga
Was a champion of Upper Volga.
She sailed West to Eire
Chu Chullain to dare
Where she succumbed to his big Gae Bolga..
The poet comments, "It's better to be a poor poet than to be none at all!"
Suzie dallied first one then another.
She confided the deeds to her brother.
When all's said and done
She gave birth to a son
And her brother'd made Suzie a mother.
The poet comments, "99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name!"
Mamasan writes 05/21/99
A comely young aide name Lewinsky
Blew more men than Kazinsky
With her little blue dress
She cleaned up the mess
And with the hem she wiped off her chinski!
There was an old woman from Pismo
Who invented a wonderful gizmo
That caused men of large girth
To orbit the earth
Now there's always full moons over Pismo!
Bozo writes 05/21/99
Visiting his girl friend who lived in Salina
He stuck his cock straight up her vagina
With his oversize dong
Fucked all night long
And then died of an attack of angina.
The poet comments, "What a way to go!"
Coolscribbler writes 05/21/99
There was an old lady down the road
Who liked to have sex with a toad.
Says I to her "fine"
But doesn't he taste of slime?
Maybe, but he has a big load!
Friar writes 05/17/99
At a zoo, squeezed the balls, did Miss Snatcham
Of a well hung giraffe (what can match ‘em?)
As he bolted the fence
Said the zoo keeper – Spence
“Please squeeze mine dear, so that I can catch him!”
Arlen shares a classic 05/15/99
There was a lady from Wheeling
Who had a particular feeling
She laid on her back
And played with her crack
Then pissed all over the ceiling.
There was a girl from the city
Who was flattering and pretty
But all the men who fell
Found her to be male
And departed with much pity.
B8 writes 05/12/99
A willing young beauty from Butte
Was known to have studied the flute.
So, it was said,
That when giving head,
Instead of just blowing, she'd toot.
Jeebs68 shares a classic 05/11/99
There once was a girl from Brewster
Whose ass was so fine that I goosed her
But her panties were thin
and my finger slipped in
And now it don't smell like it us'ter.
The crossed legs of my wife cause vexation.
So my member demands masturbation.
Man, it's hard to believe,
That her labial cleve,
Is responsible for such frustration!
The poet comments, "Where do I get my ideas? Experience!"
Bakai writes 05/08/99
Sometimes I just look at my shlong
And think of the lovers it's wronged
It no longer inspires
Any selfish desires
It just hangs there and sings its sad song.
The girls in the street leave me be
But it's not cause I'm lacking their fee
Nope, word's got around
that I'm somewhat unsound
And, rather than cum, I just pee!
The poet comments, "Ah, the depths that we plumb for a rhyme."
My buddy is wildly in thrall
With a lady who's really quite tall
When she asks for some head
He gets out of their bed
And does his good deed in the hall!
The snatch of a waitress named Pips
Bottomed out just an inch past the lips
Though her muff was not deep
She cried nary a peep
'Cause she made a good living on tips!
My girlfriend has rings and the lot
Adorning the folds of her twat
My tool, once quite hard
Is now wimpy and scarred
I guess a gold digger I'm not
My gal, in a rare pious mood
Shaved her pubes, then had it tattooed
Now, while I'm down south
Making joy with my mouth
My nose rubs the ass of St. Jude!
Bakai writes 05/07/99
Perhaps my dear mama was right
"You'll go blind whacking off in the night!"
I beat it for years
Spewing spunk past my ears
Now, to find it, I need lots of light!
You couldn’t remember its name
As you played your linguistical game
But I didn’t get cross
‘Cos I knew that it was
On the tip of your tongue as I came!
Shagnasty McFilth writes 05/05/99
Reno to Clinton, "Bill, do not linger,
Just reach over and pull my finger.
My cheeks will part
With a thunderous fart
And you'll enjoy a real wing dinger!"
H writes 5/4
The Xaist Saga
A populous species, the Xaist,
Just float around, orb-like, in space.
Their bods have one hole
With many a role -
Known functions: sex, smelling and waste.
Now, no one knew how to deduce
Just how all these Xaist reproduce.
But this, though, we knew:
The farts that they blew
Were complex, diverse, and effuse.
Along with some spores, small and round,
It’s known that, included, is sound.
The theory goes so:
They preggers their beau
With stinky sweet tunes. How profound!
Unsure how Xaist generate germ
(And what we know’s smoke more than sperm),
Our word-smiths were stuck -
‘Twas not quite a fuck,
So “fmoke”’s exobio’s new term.
Now add to this mystery *this* thing:
The male of this species was missing.
Although we’d found “spore
Of fmoke”, nothing more.
The riddle, in whole, was quite pissing.
Now once when I happened to pass
An intergalactic gas-mass,
My sensors played scales
Like those of Earth-whales
But timbred like woodwinds and brass.
A Xaist-orb was spotted to port.
It turned, and began to distort.
First it grew wavy,
Emitting some “gravy”,
And then it grew flattened and short.
Its tiny tight hole, but a blip,
Then opened and let something rip.
The space-phones recorded
A dissonance sordid.
Now, had it just fmoked with my ship?
Then there in the void we beheld
No Xaist. Had it also propelled
Itself into warp?
A brief stench of carp
Was all that the gas sensors smelled.
We scanned the whole quadrant for queer E, us,
And tracked a fresh wormhole to Sirius
And as we warped off
I called for a boff
And soon had Lieutenant delerious.
Excited by ventures anew,
I gave a short break to the crew
(Them horny-assed fuckers
Can shure shoot some Smuckers™),
And soon they were sticky with spew.
Now back to the story at hand -
(Lieutenant, please stow my fine gland)
From warp-speed we jumped,
And wow, were we pumped!
A zillion fine Xaist! The home-land!
The Star of the Dog, bright and bold,
Illumined Xaist secrets untold!
The musical gas
From Xaist ass to ass -
A beautiful web to behold!
We quietly lurked for awhile
And shook our heads slow with a smile,
For once we’d translated
The farts generated,
The words weren’t all Lesbian style!
We found that in throes of desire
One partner, the one who got higher,
Would briefly turn male
And thus ends my tale.
Yes, where there is fmoke there’s a sire.
Rhubarb shares classics from Pentatette and elsewhere
from Jim Weaver Collection
You are in a bit of a bind;
Maybe just out of your mind.
I'm now here to tell ya'
You misguided fella,
STOP IT or else you will go blind.
from Jim Weaver Collection
As I go on year after year,
My mind decays further, I fear.
More often these days,
I stand in a haze,
Thinking "What was I doing in here?"
from Jim Weaver Collection
We hear quite a lot about teachers
Fondling kids 'neath the bleachers.
But the truth around here,
Catch a pedophile queer,
Nine times out of ten, it's a preacher.
from Jim Weaver Collection
We've had three in the past couple years,
Respected theological queers.
When they're hauled into court,
They're the sorriest sort,
As they plead mental illness in tears.
from Jim Weaver Collection
There once was an eloquent faker,
That inbred throwback, Jim Bakker.
He's a cocksucking faggot!
And what about Swaggart!
The nude hooker photograph taker.
from Jim Weaver Collection
No Jesus freak people inane
Will ever put me to shame.
The Christians I see
Are perverted as me,
So I feel I'm ahead of the game.
from Al Willis
"I masticate three times a day."
Mrs. Malprop entered the fray.
She said, "It is sin.
I am filled with chagrin.
You should ask for forgiveness and pray."
from Al Willis
I'm not sure that this story's a fake.
Could be history has made a mistake.
But in Adam's last will,
He left one dollar bill
To Eve, plus a very tired snake.
from Pooh
There once was a girl up the street
Who really was into white sheep.
On her lawn, they would graze
To the neighbor's amaze,
And her babies, when born, they did bleat.
from MrMalo
I once asked a man from Antietam
Why he cut his nuts off and then beat 'em.
"She's pregnant again
With kid number ten.
My wife says I won't ever need 'em."
from MrMalo
The French can brag on romance;
The Spanish, flamenco dance;
Ubangis, their lips;
Russian women, their hips;
But I'll brag on what's in my pants!
from MrMalo
The headlines were plain to see --
CONGRESSMAN SLAMS INTO TREE!!!
So I sat there and pondered,
The money they squandered,
We should teach all those bastards to ski!
from MrMalo
Strom Thurmond's the one I am cussing,
Spent the week in the hospital fussing.
And we get the bill;
He's a hard one to kill;
Ought to take the old bastard out schussing.
from MrMalo
I can't understand all the moaning,
About all this business of cloning.
You don't have to undress,
And you don't have the mess
Like you do with the usual boning.
from Jim Weaver Collection
There once was a woman named Kit
Who made love to a dead man named Britt.
She got quite a tiff
Going down on the stiff,
But she cried the next day when Britt split!
from Jim Weaver Collection
A masochistic young man of Split
Ate his peaches complete with the pit.
'Twas not for the stone,
He claimed, but alone
For the smart that remained when he shit.
from Jim Weaver Collection
Car-mad Melanie frequently traps
Young drivers in the pits -- lucky chaps.
Then she makes record time
In position 69,
Coming first after 25 laps.
from Jim Weaver Collection
A gent with a condom or three,
Met a lass on the streets of Paris.
He asked, "Are these needed?"
She smiled and conceeded,
"It depends on what's in it for me."
from Jim Weaver Collection
Your limerick, I am refuting;
Of its worth, there is no disputing.
The spelling is bad;
The meter is sad.
I suggest that you stick to computing.
from Jeff
Now Dodie and Di met their untimely ends;
A certain clear message their tragedy sends.
They shouldn't have speeded;
Seat belts were needed.
But that's just the way the Mercedes Benz.
from Warrick Elrod
An American man who was rich
Had for English fox-hunting an itch.
But he never would know
That one yells "Tallyho!"
Not "There goes the son-of-a-bitch!"
from Warrick Elrod
There was an old fellow named Knute,
Who knew Hell was the end of his route.
He committed each sin
With a satisfied grin,
Thanking Heaven that Eve ate the fruit.
from Warrick Elrod
A lady quite broad in the beam
Was not as obese as would seem.
Though her overall girth
Would quite darken the Earth,
It left other planets agleam.
from Warrick Elrod
Those fellows named Mason and Dixon
Were hoping the line they were fixin'
Would keep damn Yankee swells
From those sweet Southern Belles,
So bad blood with good blood ain't mixin'.
from Warrick Elrod
The evangelists seen on TV,
Who claim they're of God's ministry,
May cite chapter and verse,
But are con men and worse,
And are masters of hypocrisy.
from Tony Davie Collection
Let's hear it for Archbishop Carey;
A reverend cannot be a fairy.
Those dog-collared queers
Will be out on their ears,
Before you can say a Hail Mary.
from Warrick Elrod
Men's actions can fill one with tears,
And despair for the forthcoming years.
What a wonderful place
Were the whole human race
On vacation for ten thousand years.
from MrMalo
In the first place, old Bill's like a cat;
He'll land on all fours; believe that.
In the second place,
If he fell on his face,
I doubt that he'd ever fall flat.
from Mr Malo
If leaving the church they were booed?
I'd say that it was very rude.
But knowing the facts
They would give him the axe...
Typical Christian attitude!
from Rusty Smith
Old Billy's in trouble in spades,
And Hillary's now quite afraid.
Guess her conscience requires
She quell her desires,
Now that hubby's spreading his AIDES.
from kj
Bill Clinton sat through depositions;
'Twas asked 'bout erectile conditions.
"Do you have a strange cleft?
Does it bend to the left?
Does it work best in certain positions?"
from Peter W
I'm sick of this Monica dross;
I couldn't give a shit or a toss.
But did the old scrubber
Make Bill wear a ribber,
Or did he just ask her to floss?
from D D Hays
Clinton just had to meet her;
He thought that no one was sweeter.
They had sex on the phone,
And when they were alone,
They played games like 'Swallow the Leader'.
from John Griffin
Clinton's ship sails along in retreat;
Captain Billy, you've been indiscrete.
Hands off those udders;
Tend to the rudders,
And try to control the first meat!
from MrMalo
New allegations abound;
There's evidence yet to be found.
I don't know how it ends,
But I'll tell you this, frineds,
That thing of his sure gets around.
from Annie Jay
One can tell the wheat from the chaff,
If church-going Bill makes you laugh.
Like the 23rd song,
Which Bill got all wrong:
He comforts his rod in his staff.
from D. Melton
A vintner who calls himself Stu
Took a fancy to his corkscrew.
So he pierced a mole
Next to his asshole;
Now his shit comes out curlycue.
from MrMalo
I've had my fill of old farts,
Like Reagan and Bush for starts.
I'd rather have Gore
And Bill and his whore,
Than Ross and his fucking charts.
from Jim Weaver Collection
The Voyage of the Ancient Mariner;
Two guys and a gal -- they were sharin' her.
'Tis true that the crew
Was bigger than two,
But more would have too much wear on her.
from Jim Weaver Collection
My pussy is big, black and furry
And toothy, which makes my men worry.
But gently I sooth them;
It only chews them,
If they're in too much of a hurry.
from Jim Weaver Collection
Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo,
"Be careful in all that you do.
Keep those lions at bay,
Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy ate you!"
from Jim Weaver Collection
There once was a man from Rangoon;
From his butt, he could play quite a tune.
At the end of each show,
He would really let go
With an exclamatory BARROOOMMMM!!!
from Arden
There once was a maid from Rangoon
Who had quite a set of pontoons.
Each half of her bra
Was bigger by far,
Than any two helium balloons.
from MrMalo
Ah yes! Now it's starting to fit;
Coming together now bit by bit.
Masturbate and go blind...
Jeeze I'm in a bind;
No wonder I can't see worth shit!
from Kaylin Brandon
I'd have more respect for the heel
If he said "Yeah, I had her. Big deal.
That's between me and my wife,
It's not my public life --
Let's discuss issues that are real."
from MrMalo
Poor Monica never knew it,
But Tripp who was privy to it,
Just couldn't be trusted.
Now Monica's busted...
Had a good White House job and she blew it.
from Richard H
I voted for Bill and how;
I'd vote the same way, right now.
The issue no doubt
That I care about
Is Jones...not Paula, but Dow!
from Cybercelt
Sonny Bono went out for a ski,
But was tragically hit by a tree.
A nurse asked with a purr,
Was it Pine or a Fir?
"I go Yew babe," he sang mournfully.
from Writerman
Some people ask "Where have you been?
Have you been living in sin?"
I don't mind confiding,
I've been somewhere in hiding,
With a hooker, some penguins, and gin.
from H. Myers
"Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"
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