The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from January, 1998
Few and Far Between
Mike M. writes 01/30/98
As though from the pages are torn,
The elephant's sweater is worn.
She tastes so mean
Like a cold trampoline,
And nonsense limericks are born!
The poet comments, "Maybe others would like to try nonsense limericks.
Dr. Seuss would be proud."
Worth a shot - although I think they would get old fast...
It's such a strange dichotomy
That there is such a lot of me
I must confess
That I should weigh less -
'Cause I lost some weight with a lobotomy!
Self help books were loved by Tom Cage
But his income was minimum wage
When he ran out of fuel
He wasn't a fool
He made a fire and burned every page!
Discovery, they say, can't be taught.
It's something that many have sought.
And when everyone sees
The same thing, if you please,
It's thinking what no one has thought.
The poet comments, "Sage, how can we print a page or two of this?"
The Sage's brow furrows. "Browsers don't recognize separate pages, so if you print
from yours, you'll get the whole month. You could select the text you want,
copy into the Windows
clipboard, then dump it into Notepad, I guess... If you're a Mac user, the
Sage's knowledge just ran out."
Beelzebub writes 01/29/98
The power of Faith, it is said,
Can sometimes bring life to the dead;
And the ages have shown
That it is not unknown
For the converse to happen instead.
The poet comments, "This is dedicated to Jesus freaks everywhere, particularly those whose limericks don't scan."
Uh-oh, a holy war!
Now what of old Bill C, our friar?
His mandate to rule may expire
The axe could be swift
If it cuts him adrift
But at least he'll have cash to retire!
A new era now Toast Point he faces
Toward middle-life crisis he races
But he might find his waist
(If its narrowly-encased)
With his broad-mind - it might just swap places!
Toast Point shakes his head - for he is quite gravitationally challenged right now. And
my, that corset hurts at the end of a day...
Ystap writes 01/28/98
She's a wily young thing, there's no doubt,
Says "The Creep" gave her plenty of clout
As an intern, while hugging
And later on bugging
Conversations that made Hillary pout!
Well, Monica looks like she's finding
It hard to be pristine and shining,
She set out to snare
Bill in his own lair
And now all she's doing is whining!
The poet comments, "No manners, these "planners"!"
Whenever I see Valentines
I'm reminded that "hearts" are like wines,
The redder the better,
So don't you forget her
And send her those sugar-sweet lines.
The poet comments, "Getting ready for February 14th?"
Your girlfriend is balking, and still you
Pursue her, although it may kill you.
Valentines might just whet her
And maybe you'll get her
To answer a "YES" to your "WILL YOU?"
The poet comments, "Coming soon! Valentines Day!"
FCA writes 01/27/98
A waiter at a restaurant in Des Moines
Was serving trimmings with pork from the loin
"Do you want stuffing ?", he growled
To a woman, who fouled
Up his sex life by a kick in the groin!
A gay who was called Ivor Hyde
Caught a bus and went for a ride.
"Your fare", said the driver
When he spotted young Ivor
"You're not bad yourself", he replied!
After five years of President Bill,
A complete term he may not fulfill.
Do you think he can handle
The latest sex scandal?
Well, perhaps, there's a fool on the Hill.
I argued, "An arc is a boat."
She said, "Don't be an ass." That's a quote.
And then she said, "Irv,
An arc is a curve,
And you are a dumb billygoat."
Ystap writes 01/26/98
When Gennifer rang Monica up
She said, "So he told you to shut up?
Well, take my advice,
Don't even think twice,
You just call the Grand Jury and 'fess up!"
The poet comments, "Poor old Bill"
Toast Point doesn't know WHAT to think anymore...
Despite zero tolerance campaigners
True non-addicts are never abstainers
They are those, who for kicks
Now and then have a fix -
Be they rhyme hashers or word cocainers!
The poet comments, "OK, OK, I know what you're thinking ...
but I abstained for four weeks, right?
Now let's see how truly non-addicted I am ..."
Have another free sample, Prof? Heh-heh-heh....
If they make Miss Lewinsky confess
That a navy blue, souvenir dress
For Bill Clinton she wore ...
Then Vice-President Gore
May quite soon be COMPLETELY vice-less!
FCA writes 01/26/98
My calculator is whining and whirring!
I've doubled checked in case it is erring.
Dividing a century by three
Makes Toast Point , you see
Thirty three point three, three recurring!
The poet comments, "Many happy recurrings !"
Thank you! For those of us less specific, it's 33 years and four months (and counting).
Ystap writes 01/25/98
Monica tells all to the press,
What Bill did is still just a guess,
But we'll all soon find out
What the Prez is about
To do to bail out of this mess!
The poet comments, "Poor little Monica, yeah! "Girl most likely to get her name in lights"
was the comment in her yearbook!"
FCA writes 01/24/98
"His sexual appetite must be voracious"
Says John Doe, unusually loquacious.
"But his libidinous activities
Are his personal proclivities -
Its the equivocation that makes me vexatious!"
A centipede, shopping for clothes,
Decided to buy some nice hose.
She said, "These look nifty."
"I'll take about fifty,
And those, yes, and those, yes, and those!
foo writes 01/23/98
In order to keep these lines shareable
We must clutch hold of all that is wearable
We ruin our undies
Only on Mond'ys
To think I just said that, unbearable!
In order to keep these lines chaste
We must compose all our words without haste
With allusions be crafty
'Sides, without clothes it's drafty!
And those fingers keep well interlaced!
It helps to apply some libations
To disperse all those darned hesitations
Yet we'll keep our legs crossed
And our teeth all well flossed
Lest we give in to crude cogitations!
I don't think I can think of another
I'd be willing to share with my mother
I'll compose all thoughts cleanly
And arrange them pristinely
Into pained verse of one kind or other.
Toast Point has found over the years that writing the squeakies is much
harder than writing the naughties.
Ode to Apu
Nahasapeemapetilon is an Indian prince
Who sells Squishees and Turbo-dogs for 99 cents.
His green-card reads in great detail:
"Convenience Marketing Specialist - Retail"
because, sadly, a Kwik-E-Mart is the only palace for his Eminence!
Boxer writes 01/22/98
There once was a thief who tried to frame a clown
It was an evil plot to bring Krusty down.
He was caught by Bart
Who proved to be quite smart
And Sideshow Bob was mocked by the entire town!
The poet comments, "To Groening with love and respect."
Poet from Qushing writes 01/22/98
There once was a man named Tyler
Who turned out to be a such a liar
He explained to the cops
That he just needed a pop
And that's why in his hands, he held pliers!
I've asked me this question, no doubt
What the answer would be all about
When last night, I did try
I got no reply
'Coz my brainier side had gone out!
Ystap writes 01/21/98
In Vegas, trying to win Megabucks,
My friends, yelling all their "Good Lucks!",
I drop in my dollar
And,yell, no, I holler,
"Oh, wow, this machine really sucks!"
The poet comments, "Someday I'll hit it!"
When Lassie came home I was happy,
And so was my mammy and pappy,
But she took off again
To that stud down the lane
Who barked, "C'mon, Lass, make it snappy!"
If a schizo, by day, only boozes,
Only gambles at night ('till he loses)
And then flipped his mind
Would he not be inclined
To do just which-ever 'eschewses?
To love her he just was not able
For he found her to be quite unstable
Her faulty ingredient
Made their parting expedient -
Too bad girls don't come with a label!
Jesus Freak shares a classic 01/19/98
People say I'm a Jesus freak
Others think I'm a geek
I know He's real
His love I can feel
It is His will that I speak.
The poet comments, "I hope that I'm a Christ-like
example to others. He is my life."
Bethesda shares a classic 01/19/98
On Saturday night, up on Mars..
I got locked in a cage without any bars
I pushed and squeezed but couldn't get out
So I sat in a corner and decided to pout
Finally, I escaped with a few little scars!
FCA writes 01/19/98
I just met this tap-dancing plumber
Who'd been bumped on the head in the summer.
He said "The concussion
Was the sole repercussion
But the lump sure was a dinghummer"!
A pianist called Myer Von Grummit
Gave a recital at a world leaders summit.
A man shouted, "Myer
D'ya know the piano's on fire"
He said "No but I'll try if you hum it!"
The poet comments, "...........probably been done many times ?"
Bill Clinton has now started dating,
And Hillary finds it frustrating.
But to us, it don't matter,
'Cuz we love a tomcatter.
That boy has a penchant for mating!
The poet comments, "This one is topical again."
Merriam writes 01/17/98
Though long by the griddle, I linga'
And practice with palm, thumb and finga'
My tortillas aren't round
Each weighs half a pound
Well, what d'ya expect from a gringa?
Blue Raspberry shares a classic 01/16/98
"Why me?!" The bride cried and wailed.
At the wedding, her fiance bailed.
Dad wanted to have fun,
So he took his shotgun
With a gun in his back, the guy's bladder failed!
The poet comments, "I will always remember my sister's third wedding.
That little town of Hickory, Arkansas will never be the same."
Last night I went full comatose
Through no fault of my own, I disclose
I was dared to sniff coke
Which I did for a joke
But an ice-cube got stuck up my nose!
I thought that I'd marry a Brunette
With a name like Yvonne or Yvette
But the girl of my dreams
Was a psychic, it seems
And left me... before we had met!
As a purist, and author, I groaned.
Use of puns is just barely condoned.
But, intending to kill
Ev'ry bird on a hill,
You just can't leave with no tern unstoned.
The poet comments, "Is this what you meant by the "no turn unstoned" one...?"
Jesus Freak shares a classic 01/15/98
There once wa a big dog named Rollie
She jumped up and down, she was quite jolly!
Every day she scratched her fleas
One day she talked--Oh geeze!
She turned out to be my only sister Hollie!
The poet comments, "Yes, it is true! I do talk like The Beaver! Golly gee, what a amazin' thing!"
Blue Raspberry writes 01/15/98
Chew toys, paper, and things like that
Seem to be a natural dog habitat.
Fire hydrants are their obsession
While master's shoe is their possession
No wonder people would rather have a cat!
The hurricane said, as she grinned,
"My will I now plan to rescind.
I left all my dough
To a cute weather pro,
And you shall inherit the wind."
Jean Chapeau writes 01/14/98
Let's see, Hinkley's insane but not Dahmer,
Then what about Ted Una-bomber?
It's true he's not anthropophagic,
So legally following logic,
He must be as mad as a hatter!
The Clintons have spent all the dough...
On whom, and on what, I don't know
But I'll bet it is Bill
Who's over the Hill
And is looking for some(young(old))thing "to-go"!
Soulmate shares a classic 01/13/98
A young lad from South Donegal
Who went to a fancy dress ball
Dressed up like a tree
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dog near the hall!
I've discovered the real missing link
Why tarts intellectually stink
For as pig is to vulture
You can lead whores to culture
But you sure as hell can't make them think!
Melissa writes 01/12/98
There once lived a man named Clyde
Who loved to watch the tide
Till sadly on day
It washed him away
And that is how he died!
The Clintons have spent all the dough...
Now an audit they must undergo.
All their Whitewater sin mates
Just might become inmates!
And none will have wealth to bestow.
All this uproar 'bout cloning's perceived
As reaction to tenets believed:
Only nature should do
Procreation by two.
Variation is just ill-conceived.
Limerichard writes 01/12/98
How he cried when he lost the election..
Governer Timmy was not the selection.
They uncovered his past
At a movie, in fact
Adultery in the balcony section!
Blue Raspberry writes 01/12/98
There once was a kitten who could fly;
Not purposely, so don't ask me why.
These women punted his butt
And it flew over a hut.
No other kitten has flown that high!
The poet comments, "Here kitty-kitty!!!!!!!!!!!"
Boxer writes 01/12/98
I was driving beside a levy
In my custom-built '64 Chevy
I pulled over to sleep,
When I woke up to a beep
And found I was attacked by a bevy.
The poet comments, "For you ignoramouses who don't
know what a "bevy" is. . . look it up!!!!!!".
The leaves crunching under my feet
Makes an awesome kind of beat.
I kept walking along
And I bust out a song
Until I slipped and fell on my seat!
FCA writes 01/12/98
Isaac Stern, at an early age, learned
That musical skill must be earned
He played chords day and night
Until they were right
There wasn't a tone left unSterned!
The poet comments, "I vaguely remember a classic about a Roman
Amphitheater when the last line was something like "There wasn't a
turn unstoned". Anybody know it ?"
Our Herbie just did homicide,
And they say he has no place to hide.
He murdered ten bugs
And then seven slugs,
And that's why he's called Herbie Cide.
The poet comments, "I was once on a science kick with perms."
JCH writes 01/10/98
There was this golfing old fogey,
Whose stroke killed a guy eating a hoagie.
The old bastard finished the hole,
Ate the victim's lunch on a roll,
Then blamed the dead guy for his bogey!
FCA writes 01/10/98
Have the scientists gone mad and too far ?
Cloning sheep and now us in a jar !
But, I'll tell you, mister
I don't wanna a twin sister
Who has wool on her back and goes baa!
That complaint about pens from Al Will-
is, shows aging's not blunted his skill.
He'll remember the fountain
As the years keep on mountin'
But is he old enough to remember the quill ?
The poet comments, "Your only as old as you feel - Ugh !"
Limerick Man writes 01/09/98
If you try to get men to achieve
All their shopping for gifts, I believe
You don't need many days...
If you really want praise,
Any *REAL* man will start Christmas Eve!
The poet comments, "...Just trying to justify why I was a little late (again) this year
buying presents!"
Boxer writes 01/09/98
Vandalism is a form of art
Even if you are drawing a dart
On the side of a wall
Or the face of a doll
So become an artist like Bart!
The poet comments, "Those heathenistic Simpson illerates who don't know who Bart is, I have one thing to say to you: Eat my shorts!"
Poet from Qushing shares a classic 01/09/98
There once was a man from Tucker
Who had a small problem with his pucker.
He practiced on his knees,
He practiced on the trees
Until one day he met Molly McBucker!
Chilli-Burger writes 01/09/98
There once was a lady from Sceird.
She grew a twenty-foot beard.
She trimmed it just once.
Then ate it for lunch.
Geez, that lady was weird!
The poet comments, "Sceird is actually an ancient Celtic village in which the first badminton game in the British Isles was played. A live chicken was used a birdie and two Elk saplings as racquets. I swear."
There's a question designed to perplex.
How big are Rex's pecs?
A buff muscle monkey
Or a weight room flunkie?
"No, a big guppy", as my boy Mike corrects!
The poet comments, "If you are not a current or former Fredonia High student, then we don't care if you think this is dumb."
FCA writes 01/09/98
A young waiter at the Hotel de Veres
Was busy serving lunch, wine and beers.
"Your chicken" , he grunted
To a boxer, who stunted
The growth of the waiter for years!
An occasional chaser of chicks,
Too old for his usual tricks,
Now uses his head,
Writing limericks instead,
And,thus, using words, gets his kicks!
The poet comments, "The first line is fiction!"
Kristi M. Williams writes 01/07/98
There once lived a girl named Kristi
Who broke her poor little wristi.
She went to the nurse
and when she dispersed,
The wristi of Kristi was fixti!
FCA writes 01/06/98
There's a question designed to perplex.
Concerning those girls who wear 'specs'
If they get more passes
Than gals without glasses
The optician's to blame, one suspects!
How much do I owe to the bank?
My memory of this is quite blank
I must now presume
They'll threaten me with doom
And shut the gaol door with a clank!
The poet comments, "Apologies to Al!"
There once was a creature named Sesmog
Who spent every day at the bog.
One day he was sitting
With needles and knitting
Making earmuffs and mittens for frogs!
The poet comments, "PICK ME, PICK ME"
I have a sin - Procrastination
Brings me sorrow beyond explanation
But I made a small pledge
At this year's leading edge
To repent on my mid-year vacation!
FCA writes 01/05/98
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
To his sister cried, "Life has no basis
When on an assignment
I'm out of alignment
With not just my teeth, cos I'm gay, sis."
My poetical writing is rare
And I'm now in the throes of despair
But now and again
Like the rain down in Spain
A limerick falls from the air!
How much do I have in the bank?
My memory of this is now blank.
I must now presume
That it's up in my room.
I'll shake it and judge by the clank!
She could eat pizza pie or cheese blintz,
And today, she ate five of the quints.
She swallowed a pig,
Her mouth was quite big.
And last week she ate a crown prince!
There once was a liquid in pens,
But now all our writing depends
On the click of a Bic
And I am heartsick.
The multitude just condescends.
The poet comments, "and no more buggy whips?"
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