The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from December, 1997
Few and Far Between
Last updated January 1 - Happy New Year!
Al Willis shares a classic 12/31/97
An effeminate fellow from Lincoln
One night did some serious drincoln.
Met a gal, now his wife,
Learned the true facts of life,
And blesses the day he got stincoln!
The poet comments, "From The Lure of the Limerick"
FCA writes 12/31/97
A young novice and a nun from St Boyd
Were confronted by a vampire called Lloyd
The Nun, sister Ross
Screamed, "Show him your Cross"
The novice - (foot stamp) "I'm annoyed"!
The Sage was hard-pressed to twist the last line into some semblance of meter.
The kids who are born are first rate,
But they're fewer than ever, of late.
There's no hanky-panky
'Twixt Johnny and Frankie.
It's because of that Heidie Vorce Raite.
The poet comments, "You have to speak the last line."
FCA shares a classic 12/30/97
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Bought large jars of blood in four cases
Said, "These'll do fine
While my fangs re-align
And I'll not touch my stock of carcasses"
There once was a general called Powell
Who shouldn't have thrown in the towel
For he'd come tops in pollin' ...
.. if they didn't make Colin
Sound just like the end of your bowel!
The poet comments, "Perhaps you should have an extra radio button for recycling a non-classic:
I wrote this before the last elections ... "
Hmmm....we will ponder on that...
Three Utah men once were emplaned
When their landing-gear fluid all drained
They poured coffee and coke
But the gear remained broke ...
Till they peed, and safe landing attained!
The poet comments, " ... and this one last February, when the incident happened. ... On the
other hand, what use would the extra radio button be to a guy who is about to go off the air? ..."
To the Web I'm addicted, I fear
Worse than smokers to smoking ... oh, dear! ...
"The solution," friends shout
"Is, cold turkey, log out" ...
Au revoir, Toast Point, Happy New Year!
The Toast Point Page wails in horror at the thought of losing the good professor. We
know your kind though, you'll be back (heh-heh-heh).
FCA writes 12/29/97
To the Christmas tree fairy, Doc Titus
Said, "The diagnosis is not hepatitis
I've ruled out phlebitis
And osteoarthritis.
You appear to have acute tinselitis!"
The poet comments, "Couldn't find suitable rhyme for "post christmas traumatic stress disorder""
Al Willis is getting no bargain
If the ice cream you send is not Haagen-
Daz or B&J's in
Vanilla rum and raisin.
I think I prefer the Volkswagen!
The poet comments, "Hope Al & the yeti enjoyed their ice-cream !"
Today, I became very flustered,
In finding a rhyme for a "bustard."
Change its name to "canary."
It's become necessary.
I tried, but I can't cut the mustard.
The poet comments, "Don't look it up. It's a bird."
FCA writes 12/22/97
I've checked my christmas card list
And there is nobody on it I've missed.
But, this card I had over
Was really for Rover
But the poor mutt's just died from a cyst!
The poet comments, "A christmas message on a card from a dog-loving ex-friend."
Is a non-vulgar fraction that much nicer
Than Sage's Squeaky-Clean machine he calls a splicer?
A fraction - I'm now wiser -
Is, in part, a divisor
And part of Sage's splicer's a de-vicer !
The poet comments, "Don't ask how this one came about- it's a long story "
Toast Point shakes his head in bemusement. "Oh, de-VICE-er...OK..."
Said the divisor to the dividend in a fraction
"Will you please get off my head before there's action"!
Replied the dividend, "No retreat ,
Remove your figure from my feet
And get up here at once - it's a subtraction."
The poet comments, "A fun aid for basic arithmetic classes ?"
No wakeup call, heretofore,
Has caused me to want an encore.
This Japanese girl,
Her tongue would uncurl.
She said, "Prease don't sreep any more."
The poet comments, "Shelley Berman wrote a funny skit about this."
Jimni writes 12/21/97
We have a Chris-Mouse who's not in a hurry,
Unlike his relatives, he doesn't scurry.
He's made of beads, red, clear, and green,
He's the cutest thing you've ever seen.
Santa's bringing him cheese, so don't you worry!
The poet comments, "Maybe this is too late, but it's probably the best kind of mouse
to have anywhere around your house."
A, B, C: Arrows, Bow - Cupid's tools
D, E, F: Dogfish, Eels - Found in schools
G, H, I: Gall, Huff, Ire
J, K, L: Jack, Knave, Liar
M, N, O: Minnows, Newts - Out of pools
P, Q, R: Princess, Queen - Royal set
S, T, U: Steamship, Truck - Used to get
Value V, W Worth
Xmas X, Y Yule mirth
Z to Zip closed my rhymed alphabet!
The poet comments, "If you don't think ire rhymes with liar, you have yet to visit North Florida"
This wonderful girl, it appears,
Selected this bloke from Algiers.
The wedding was nifty;
'Twas in nineteen fifty.
They're shooting for sixty-five years!
The poet comments, "Algiers (not Africa) is my home town."
B.B. King was the Pope's Christmas ruse
To lure souls in to fill empty pews
At the show, yonder star
Gave John Paul his guitar ....
But can popes, who are soul guys, play blues?
FCA writes 12/19/97
Margot, a dumb blonde from Cape Cod
Had quite a brief encounter with Rod
When he said "Dear Margot
Let's watch Olivier play Iago"
She replied "I think football's quite odd"!
"I know just what I want for my present,
Fiddler cat" laughed the dog, effervescent
"And a spoon and a dish,
To elope as they wish
And a cow that jumps over the crescent!"
Mouse writes 12/17/97
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces -
His job he no longer graces
For the other bloodsuckers there
Laugh and call him amateur.
Cause he worked at the IRS of all places!
There once was a young cockerel
Who to all of the hens was an eyeful
He exuded moxie
They all thought he was foxy
But that didn't keep him from being the farmer's potful!
There once was a professor named Fred
Whose students thought he was dead!
He sat like a chunk
While their brains shrunk and shrunk
So they lobbed spitballs at his head!
He went back to his doctor (Van Kamp),
Because he complained of a cramp.
Doc said, "It's a mandate,
And we must operate."
And he found his old surgical clamp!
FCA writes 12/17/97
Dear Mr Sage, can I trouble you ?
About Gold Star encashment (Al W.)
If you send those blocks
Of ice cream in a box
Do they replace or supplement the V.W.?
The poet comments, "Please advise what colors in stock - cars, that is, not ice-cream"
Toast Point wants the Champagne edition, of course.
We'll be watching the mails...oh, you mean to send to you?
Hmmm... Well, I think they make Hot Wheels in all colors. And we sent the ice cream to Al, along with a
yeti. That should take care of him...
I would rather get bit by piranha
Than to watch any show with Madonna.
I will watch a bedsore
Or a Costeau flick, or
A staid travelogue from Botswana!
The poet comments, "She's OK. I just liked the rhyme."
There was a young man from South Wales
Who developed a passion for snails
At night with a shout
He'd chase them about
With a long knife and cut off their tails!
Murky writes 12/16/97
I skidded and slid near a lake,
Bent a birch and slammed on the brake.
My car slid through the ice.
Lacking air would suffice.
The icing was frosting on cake.
The poet comments, "The Frozen Road Ill Chosen On a Snowy Evening.
This is what comes from careless meditating
in our Frosty climes, a few costly rhymes. Happy Holidays!"
Toast Point hopes this is not a true story!
FCA writes 12/16/97
There once was a sucker named Cyrus.
Who paid a fortune for the "Holy Grail" papyrus
He employed an old Egyptian
Who translated the inscription:
"When the pyramids are finished, can you wire us ?"
FCA writes 12/16/97
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Was with his dentist who said "This replaces
Those teeth, badly angled,
With a set that's new-fangled
And will give you entry to all the right places"
JASMINE writes 12/16/97
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Makes a dress with laces
He proudly put the dress on,
And thought his friends be fond
But he only earned himself tears on his face!
Why on earth, after all their disputes
Are Fidel and the Pope in cahoots? ...
Aging Castro, I guess
Has misdeeds to confess -
But is John Paul in need of cheroots?
The poet comments, "How can you tell I read PARADE magazine yesterday?"
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Was one of those rare dental cases
Had two shillings, a dime
3p, a centime
And some crowns just to fill all the spaces!
A vampire would, sadly, wear braces
Green socks and blue shoes and pink laces
Plus a polka-dot shirt
A silk mini skirt
And earrings in all the wrong places!
If Iraq played the U.S. at soccer
Would the U.N. inspect every locker? ...
And would women with child
In Iraq's goal be filed
To give Saddam a U.S. shot blocker?
The poet comments, "First wrote this before I realized America plays Iran, not Iraq ..."
As I tell you this, I have to wink.
Molly Brown was quite strange, and I think
She scrubbed her sink white
And she scrubbed it all night:
The Unbrownable Molly's old sink.
We're healthy, and that is the truth,
Although getting long in the tooth.
We can still walk for miles
And flip TV dials,
But where is the fountain of youth?
The poet comments, "Happy Holidays. The third line is fiction."
Bon Noel: en anglais: Happy Yule
C'est magnifique: en anglais: Real cool
Honi soit, mal y pense:
Evil thoughts, evil wants ...
So few gains, from my French pains in school!
The poet comments, "If I'd known I would move to Florida, I would have taken Spanish instead ..."
Toast Point can still quote Spanish dialogue verbatim from eight grade, but it's
gotten him nowhere, except from la sala to la cocina.
There's a nip in the air, love, tonight.
Fiddler crabs have evolved powered flight
Hear their violins screech
As they soar down our beach ...
And watch out, 'cos they fly at butt height!
This odd concept had Toast Point laughing out loud.
FCA writes 12/10/97
May I introduce Mary Mackay?
She's married a man from Shanghai
His name is Din Dong
And her son's called Leon
"Din Dong, Mary, Leon, Hi!"
The poet comments, "A bit contrived - but it is Christmas."
There once was an ancient Egyptian
Who wrote Lim'ricks by way of encryption
According to critics
He used hieroglyphics
And signed them with Tutan's inscription!
The poet comments, "I was hoping to submit this in Wing-Dings font
(but can't) - to give it character and force the reader to use a bit of
savvy (or PC) to decipher it. Maybe it can be done O' Sage ?"
The Sage would be delighted, but Toast Point's not up on his font-forcing and
begs off. Holiday season, y'know.
Limbo writes 12/08/97
One day while combing my hair
I looked at my shoulder with a stare
What could it be?
Dandruff I see
I must get some brand new hair care!
There once was a girl named Kell
She died and was burning in hell
She sleeps with the devil
She is never quite level
And this is why she wears a black bell!
The poet comments, "Write to me if you have any comments
doesnt this rock !!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love OASIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ah, youth.
I don't know why
Rabbits can't add, but know how to multiply
They have the potential
To be exponential
But won't talk about pi!
The poet comments, "Will send some more animal limericks soon.. I have a whole menagery ! "
FCA writes 12/08/97
A left-winger named Rudolph de Vere
Tries to forecast the weather round here.
To my wife he's a fool
But I respond as a rule
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
The poet comments, "Hope this song hasn't been "done" before - if not it should have been."
They say if we earn ten Gold Stars,
The Sage will reward us with cars.
Well, I'm not naive.
I just don't believe.
I'll settle for two ice cream bars!
The poet comments, "Send in refrigerated box."
Gee, and no one ever offers to get the Sage anything, hint, hint.
FCA shares a classic...
There's a notable clan they call Stein:
There's Gertrude,there's Ep, and there's Ein
Gert's prose has no style
Ep's statues are vile
And nobody understands Ein.
The poet comments, "A classic yes - but not a complete family
tree - see below"
and writes 12/07/97
In that classical limerick on "Steins"
A monstrous omission maligns
It's really gestanken
That half-brother Franken
wasn't mentioned in one of the lines!
and also writes 12/07/97
As I work on this message, I'm merry
after drinking large quantities of sherry.
I must now use the "john"
But before I am gone
I wish Toast Point and poets a very. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The poet comments, "...........merry and happy Xmas."
Why thank you, FCA! Your original misspelling actually works better metrically!
Al Willis writes 12/05/97
The meanings of words are quite moot.
So we must be very astute.
"Amidol," you can see,
Is all about me.
It means that I'm cuddly and cute!
The whole trouble with Christmas is gifts
We have always exchanged them in shifts.
Or we'd never keep track
Of what stores should take back
Versus what should go straight to the thrifts!
Even some of the items we keep
Will be sold off at garage sales, cheap
To be bought by folks who'll
Give us back them next Yule
To provision our next thrift-store heap!
Al Willis writes 12/04/97
The fact of rejection is sad.
The result is that I now feel bad.
"I hate your story,"
Was derogatory,
And the note that I got was from Dad!
The poet comments, "A writers' magazine couldn't use this one. :=("
Your story about Jane and Marty
Was clever and just a bit arty.
The readers today
Like sex and horseplay.
Beef it up and include a stag party!
The poet comments, "Editors. What do they know? (not you, Sage)"
FCA writes 12/04/97
The leaves crunching under my feet
In the trash-can and all down the street
Are rhymsical rejections
With flimsical connections
The chaff from the limerick wheat!
FCA writes 12/03/97
Wally, a maven from Malta
Entered a bridge competition in Yalta
At the end of the rubber
He started to blubber
A case of: bridge over - troubled Walter !
The President's in Martha's Vineyard
We all hope he doesn't get injured
I've had such a hard time
Getting "Vineyard" to rhyme
I wish he had gone to Nantucket!
The poet comments, "Written during Bill and Hillary's vacation last summer...."
A limerick by
my friend Cy turned out to be
more like a hai. Ku.
Al Willis writes 12/02/97
As a youngster, that guy would aspire
To finagle and be the best liar.
One day he got caught;
He felt very hot,
And he found that his pants were on fire!
FCA writes 12/02/97
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Had teeth so crooked in places,
To his dentist he spate
"I wanna go straight,
My fangs catch my victims' necklaces!"
Best one yet from a really difficult first line!
A Tralee girl who rode on an ass
Had a Scots pa who loved to fish bass.
And a Scots-Irish ma
With an old jaunting car -
She's a wee bonnie Irish young lass!
The poet comments, "Just trying to preserve your first-line reputation ... "
Thanks! I was worried!
Every Who down in Whoville could lynch
They await with their rope on a winch
There's a noose to pull tight
Any hour of the night ...
Better hope they all doze off, huh, Grinch?
Rick Limer writes 12/02/97
Al Willis on 'wee Irish lass'
Explanation he thought up real fas'
Now I can't use that line
In a Lim'rick of mine
Cos I'm Indian and live in Madras!
Eccles writes 12/01/97
I notice your form prescribes "clean"
Might I venture to ask what you mean?
A limerick uncrude
With no adjectives lewd
In my view is not worth being seen!
The poet comments, "Written in 2 mins flat after 10pm - not the greatest you'll ever see
but so what!! I happened across this site, and thought I'd contribute
"
Well, we certainly offer a forum for poets sharing your views. But the restriction of cleanliness offers a special challenge to the limerick writer.
FCA writes 12/01/97
There's a question designed to perplex.
Why a great many dogs are called Rex
But the number is minor
Of those named Regina
Amongst mutts of the opposite sex!
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Took temporary employment at Macy's.
His ambition is to work
As an IRS clerk -
His bloodsucking background, the basis.
Paul VerNooy writes 12/01/97
A Clinton Thanksgiving
Tho' his plate overflowed (his third)
Bill's dinner was meatless, I heard.
To the fowl, now belated
He felt almost related
A lame duck soon-to-be jailbird!
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