There was an optician respectableThe poet comments, "To dispel any hideous myths about humans who are accidentally consumed by mechanical devices and then miraculously transformed into hard, translucent, inanimate objects."
There was a young man called Carruther
Who had twins by a surrogate mother
At the moment of birth
She pulled in her girth
And out popped two more from his brother!
My wife loves to watch a good thrilla
It gives her goose bumps, all the chilla
But the thing I most hate
Is not going to bed late
But waking at 3 with no pilla!
To make your point clear is quite simple
Like squeezing an over-ripe pimple
Just a touch of finesse
Not too much, nor too less
Or you'll end up with crater, not dimple !
The poet comments, "Asked by a friend to write a Lim about communication. I hope it works okay."
The reason the prof's not elated:
Sun Myung Moon, with his mind-numbing forcesThere once was a guy named Bob,
He loved to eat corn on the cob.
They say you are what you eat,
So he got yellow feet
And he started to cry yellow sobs!
A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Decided to go to the races.
Watching a horse in the mud
Would stop his craving for blood
That's why he went to the races!
There once was a young girl named Meg
Who fell in love with a fellow named Greg.
Greg was very mean,
On which Meg was not keen,
So she stabbed his heart with a peg!
My cat has always been bold.
It's instinct, or so I am told.
She's large and in charge.
As big as a barge.
But still smaller than Leopold!
Most cats are...
This wee bonnie Irish young lass..
Is a nonsensical first line, alas
Cos bonnie and wee
Are Scottish, you see
And to link with the Irish is crass!
Toast Point passes the buck and points to Al Willis, who he seems to remember came up with that one. Or maybe Toast Point did. Oh well...
There once was a man from Maine
His head was always filled with pain
"I wonder what's in it?"
He thought for a minute
Now the man is insane!
The poet comments, "ß is not a "B" It's a international character pronounced "ss" Just thought you'd like to know"
Could BABY YEN MAKING COED BUNCH
Be anagrammed in time for the punch-
Line? Let's chop, and let's change
Juxtapose, rearrange ...
BOBBI AND KENNY MCCAUGHEY is my hunch!
The poet comments, "Should this perhaps be called a rimickle?"
Toast Point's neighbor pointed out to him that on the cover of Newsweek, they fixed her teeth, but on the cover of Time, they didn't....
Eek! All these holidays coming!
Festive songs on a guitar he is strumming.
A sharp twinge of pain
He can't remember his name
My God, he plucked the wrong thing!!
I sat there sad
The leaves blew past my face
I just found out my dad
Was sprayed with mace
So I cried and cried.
The poet comments, "um I don't much about poems but this is the best I can think of."
Well, it's interesting, but doesn't follow limerickal form.
A hammock is really sublime
To relax in a nice sunny clime.
To walk is my pleasure
And read at my leisure,
Except that I don't have the time!
The poet comments, "By excluding my address, will I avoid some spam?"
Toast Point hasn't figured out the spam thing yet - but he sure gets a lot of it.
There was an old man with E-mail.
And his rest was rather female.
For he said to his friend:
I've got some real brand.
That's my girl. I want her to be male.
There once was a teacher at Outreach.
This teacher was a very big leech.
She gave too much homework,
The students were so irked:
She was later found dead on the beach!
The poet comments, "I am a high school teacher who works with older students 17-21, many of whom are returning to school after an absence to finish their high school diplomas. We wrote this as a class our first try out- Check out the dark humor (I hope!)"
There once was a guy from Spain,
Who couldn't afford a brain.
He hadn't the money
To pay for a dummy--
Mindlessness drove him insane!
Call me Sad Sack Saddam
I started my own Viet Nam
Was it only six years ago
I said "Ayatolla ya so"?
No that was Iraq; me, I ran!
There was an old man of Fullbright
Who tends to wear his glasses by night.
When it bored him to see
He refuse them to be free
Of his dreams. To be considered all right.
The once was a girl from Perdue
Whose limerick stopped on line two.
I've got to follow my block -
That linebacker just cleaned my clock!
I'll run it again
This time with a spin
And juke him right out of his jock!
The poet comments, "I am an Liberty High School running back who originated this limerick from my on-field experiences."
A poetical jock! Whoda thunk?
All the squirrels round here are gymnastic
With a sharpness of tooth that's fantastic -
We hid all our bird seed
Where no squirrel could feed ...
Till they'd chewed through a wall of hard plastic!
All was quiet, until the McCaugheys
Found a formula perfect for noise:
A fertility pill
Plus a trust in God's will
Equals three extra girls, and four boys!
All people, regardless of wealth,
Watch their diets, except Mr. Felth.
He eats bumble bees
And buffalo knees.
The guy enjoys poor mental health.
"Professor MG" - who is he? ...
I suspect you're referring to me
But one oughtn't to stash
That wee hyphen, or dash,
Which goes right after M, before G!
Toast-Point apologizes.
This wee bonnie Irish young lass
Who'd read Einstein as well as Laplace
Used equations to prove
That when leprechauns move
They have no gravitational mass!
The poet comments, "Laplace was the "Newton of France" according to Britannica (and Newton doesn't rhyme with mass)"
Have you tried sending Toast Point a ditty
Down the phone lines we rent from our city?
If the weather is dry
It will probably fly
But, if wet, will be hard to submit .... Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee ...
The poet comments, "You have to accept that "Eeeeeeeeeeeee ..." is how my modem sounds when disconnected"
A flea that we caught at my house
Became a loved pet of my spouse.
The flea is now tame,
So, she gave it a name,
And now he is called Mickey Louse!
The poet comments, "Safe for first graders."
The sound of an "n" is in "knife."
It usually causes me strife.
In pneumonia, it's dumb.
We say "gnaw," but how come?
In English, this weird stuff is rife!
There once was a rapper, Milli Vanilli
Whose music was so dumb, it was silly!
He rapped and he danced
While he jumped and pranced
But "Ice Ice Baby" made me chilly!
The poet comments, "Milli Vanilli sucked huh?"
Toast Point knows next to nothing about pop music, but seems to remember that Vanilla Ice was the rapper who sang Ice Ice Baby and Milli Vanilli was Ron and Fab, that lip-syncing duo.
My landlord, he should be arrested
My place is completely infested!
I try and I try
Those buggers won't die
The poison just won't be digested!
In the thirties, the word was "cut back."
We were poor, and we lived in a shack.
No jobs could be had
As the times were real bad.
The Depression was stopped by Prozac!
Now Hillary's known as a leader.
and Bill as a pure bottom feeder
His touch, it ain't bad
And his mood ain't too sad
But poor Paula just wants Bill to need her!
I read abouth lithpy O'Keefe
And hith over-indulgenth in beef
Buth hith denthitht forethold
In a manner quithe bold
He juth needed a new thet of teef!
Buth a twith in the thaga conthinueth
When morthithithians inthpecthed hith thinewth
He had roth in his gumth
From dwinking with bumth
In leth than motht well-tho-do venueth
Thwath on one of thethe dwinking adventhures
(Confirmed by some hear-say conjectures)
Thath he thlipped on thum grath
And fell on hith ath
And choked on hith ol'-fathioned denthures!
Why'd that world-famous sleuth, Sherlock Holmes
Find all crimes elementary? Tomes
By Sir Art Conan Doyle
Don't reveal what did foil
Crooks - a network of fairies and gnomes!
The poet comments, "Thought of this on the way home from FAIRYTALE - A TRUE STORY (a great movie)"
Is Nicaragua's depiction
Of the freedom fighters fiction?
Running this by a few,
Half the lies were untrue.
C, I Aide the Contra-diction.
A story about Jack and Jill
After they fell down the hill
Jack was dead,
His eulogy read,
And Jill was stuck with the bill!
The poet comments, "Hooked on Limericks worked for me!"
A parrot called Alex the Great
Is renowned for the size of his pate
He knows different from same
And all colors by name
And is able to count up to eight!
The poet comments, "All absolutely true (according to an AP story in today's newspaper)"
She jumped into the pool
She thought she looked cool
Something emerged to the top
Her suit had fallen off
She ended up feeling a fool!
This Indian was rendered heap saddum
Because we have harnessed the atom.
"To avoid being dead,"
He despondently said,
"We'll build tepees much stronger and pad 'em."
The poet comments, "This one is a bit dated."
Once an ass who liked sonnets, I saw
Go "hee-haw" in fourteens, without flaw
But another donkey
Liked the limerick, and he
Went "haw-haw," then "hee-hee," and then "haw"!
There is nothing quite like the color red
It was all around me as I reposed in bed
I was discovered -
Unfortunately I recovered-
I'd slit my wrists and hoped to be dead!
A guy with a lisp named O'Keefe
Had heart trouble (he ate too much beef)
He was worth forty mil
Which he wrote in his will:
"I bequeaf to my nephew and neef."
The poet comments, "inspiration during morning shower, wrote this little beauty on the train to work."
There once was a guy named Harry,
He was rather scary.
He had a blue heart,
One day it fell apart.
And that was the end of Harry.
Drumsticks are fine, but the breast
Tastes good with some gravy; that's best.
Top it off with some pie.
Gaining weight? Just deny,
And after the dinner we rest!
Now President Jiang's heard some fumin'
On how he's ignoring rights human
Will he fess that he's wrong? ...
Not while trade is so strong
That folks' rights don't affect market boomin'!
There once was a fat guy named Bub,
He spent all of his time in the tub.
He got out his brush,
When water did rush,
And now he is slick as a sub.
The poet comments, "No Autographs"
Of Parliament was Guy Fawkes no Member
So he plotted to kindle an ember
On his first Bonfire Night
Guy forgot to ignite ...
But remembers now every November!
There once was in Norway a moose,
Who was the friend of a goose.
But then came a bug
And gave him a hug;
And so did the goose loose the moose!
There once was an old man in Peru,
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke in a fright
In the middle of the night;
And found it was perfectly true!
We bought Halloween treats from store shelves
To give out, but no trick-or-treat elves
Rang our bell - heavy rain
Kept them home without gain ...
So we'll eat all the candy ourselves!