The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from May, 1998
from Poets Who Your Mother Warned You About!
A writer of poems, to succeed,
Must listen to Arthur x-eeD.
The words, all in rhyme,
And the meter, sublime,
But the past tense of piss must be peed.
The poet comments, "Does everyone know that Arthur Deex is editor at Pentatette?"
When they swim across that Rio Grand-de,
I usually take a firm stand, see?
I also hate boaters
When they have no quotas,
Unless some of the girls are quite randy!
The poet comments, "The monthly theme at Pentatete was "Illegals.""
Viagra may be just a dream
For giving your pecker some steam.
It's now been reported
Your vision's distorted:
Things aren't as large as they seem!
The poet comments, "Epilogue: See my next limerick: Shop Lesson"
I learned back in school more than grammar;
In shop class, this caused quite a clamor:
"It's your skill with the drill
That produces the thrill
And not just the size of your hammer."
Bktep writes 05/28/98
A fellow with love-making flair
Was licking his sweetie "down there".
When a small puff of gas
Was expelled from her ass,
He cried, "Ah, that's a breath of fresh air!"
The poet comments, "This is a limericked version of an old joke.
I had recently submitted it to the Newsgroup alt.jokes.limericks under the screen name of
Pklemeistr. (That is my other screen name): pklemeistr@aol.com"
I bought condoms just this afternoon.
Two dozen. It made the clerk swoon.
I have plans for just four
For I plan to score:
March, April, May, and then June.
The poet comments, "Pre-Viagra"
Ray Hemphill writes 05/28/98
Now Lent had returned once again,
But Billy just couldn't refrain.
Forty days was too long
To deprive his poor dong,
So instead of Lenting, he came.
RenWa writes 05/27/98
For years, there was no erection,
Which led to total rejection.
But thanks to Viagra
It feels like Niagra;
Now that's what I call perfection!
Watching Maryann, Ginger & Jeannie
I sit and I tug on my weenie
From Monday thru Sunday
Watching Kelly Bundy
I even jerk to Shirley Feeney!
FCA writes 05/26/98
Genetic scientists in a lab near Renfrew
Have proved sex must be hereditary too.
Says spokesperson McTavitt
"If yer Ma didn't have it
The chances are neither will you!"
Dave the Knave writes 05/25/98
An athletic young man from Woonsocket
Caught his balls in his bicycle sprocket
They fell to the ground
But he snatched the first bound
Now they're worn round his neck in a locket!
The poet comments, "i grocked this one for years. this is it's first publication."
Ray Hemphill writes 05/25/98
Anorexic was that little chick,
And she would dine only on dick.
No calories it had
And didn't taste bad.
She said, "I won't eat but I'll lick."
What once was more valued than gold
Lay shriveled and useless and old,
But a blue little pill
Has caused it to fill.
When I poke 'er I hope I won't fold.
Viagra's more valued than gold
And helps me at cards so I'm told.
Strip poker I play
And no longer say
I have to limp out 'cause I fold.
Toast Point likes the first one better.
Dave the Knave shares a classic 05/25/98
Said the clerk, as the vicar withdrew
"I shouldn't say this, but I do -
The bishop is slicker
And quicker and thicker
And three inches longer than you!"
The poet comments, "this came from the same guy who gave me the green meat one. he is dead now."
How sad. This one is one of Toast Point's faves. Let's see if he can remember the other one...
At night, from the apse at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Rector said, "Oh, my gracious,
Good Brother Ignatius
Forgets that the bishop has piles!"
Friar writes 05/24/98
My dreams, I'm inclined to forget
As most people do, I can bet
I recall just a few
Say, a hundred or two
Cause they are the ones that were wet.
A photographer known as McRammiter
Had a dick with a ten inch diameter
Said "I only shoot girls
With diamonds and pearls
And as long as they have a wide aperture!"
Big Bob writes 05/24/98
The Friar's thunder I'm afraid I must rob
I didn't know who'd used my name on the job
But if my name you must use
to try to get screws
At least give the girl the full cob!
The poet comments, "Try not to shoot yourself in the foot"
You see, the Friar, the man who does scoff
Is, in theory, a man of the cloth
But this is so his toys
He can use on young boys
With a woman he just can't get it off.
Dave the Knave shares a classic 05/24/98
There was a young fellow named Hardin
Who was blown by his girl in the garden
When asked by the bum
What she'd done with the cum
She replied "Gulp - beg pardon?"
The poet comments, "you banned my green meat one, damn you."
Toast Point replies, "Heh-heh-heh."
H writes 05/24/98
Big Bob and his boyfriend, named Abel,
Went cruising one day in a stable.
A stud of a horse
Fucked his ass with such force
That his bowels blew out of his navel!
The poet comments, "Shall we dance, BB?"
Perhaps you’ve not played with young llamas
Clad loosely in black silk pajamas.
A tight Viet Cong
Backing into your dong:
The ultimate war flashback drama.
The poet comments, "Thanx 2 L's L for the inspiration."
There once was a girl from Mt. Grunt
Who papered her twat back to front.
Said her beau from Mt. Grabbit,
"Please re-verse this habit.
I’m ill with the taste of your cunt."
There once was a Nantucket dude
Whose woodie was mongously rude.
"Word up, he said, "Bitch,
Come and skull my bone itch
Or I’ll hoover my own amplitude."
A randy topologist, Boris,
Seduced a young virgin named Doris.
He increased her genus
By thrusting his penis -
Her maidenhead’s plane’s now a torus.
and also submits the following:
A dialogue between Irish and me via the alt.jokes.limericks NG
A lady who hails from Krakow,
Loves sailors her furrow to plow.
A magnum of D.P.
Is what she longs to be,
So she can be banged ‘cross the bow.
- Irish -- Slainte!
A stowaway to ports remote,
Tried to screw all the sailors afloat.
They dispensed with foreplay,
Stuck her on the forestay -
Now she’s bummy-fucked by the whole boat.
- H -- Slante Va!
The stowaway’s appetite’s whetted
For parties both sordid and fetid.
She commenced in to friggin’
Up high in the riggin’.
Some say she was well tarred and feted.
- Irish -- Scuba Sea! (sic)
Fifty-one dibbled their nib,
Then left her curled up in a jib.
Said tar fifty-two,
“I’ll eat out the spoo -
I could use this sail for a bib!”
- H -- Spooba Tea! (I know - really sic, sic, sic)
This lass has had some kinda trip.
Swallowing se(a)men is not just a quip:
When the ship struck a reef,
It caused her no grief;
She simply went down on the ship.
- Irish -- just a wee dochan dorus before we gang awa' (or maybe not)
The boat was rent clear thro’ the middle,
And going down like an iron griddle.
No time for a suck!
Less time for a fuck!
Perhaps she could get one last diddle...
The Cook said “My crank’s name is Fook.”
She said “You know Doris, my nook.
I know you’ve one hand
But perhaps my good man
D. could ride on your lovely white hook.”
His ivory prosthetic paw
(With old Boston Pier in scrimshaw)
He took to her G
And sang “Mates, look at me!
It’s a wee dock in Doris, that’s a’”
-H
PeterW writes 05/24/98
The vicar who preached onanism
Created one helluva schism
The bishop implored
Him, "Return to the Lord."
But he said, "My religion is Jizm."
Ray Hemphill writes 05/24/98
There was a young shepherd named Lew
Who fell much in love with a ewe.
He gave her a ring;
They married last spring.
He says she'll be better in stew.
Anonymous writes 5/21
Just how many times must I tell you?
It's proper to wipe the seat when you're through!
If you cannot refrain
From causing a light rain
Then the key to the bathroom I'll lose.
Willow Haven writes 05/21/98
My heart will go on - well, on what?
Maybe a buffet with my butt!
I'll sprinkle my spleen on the table
Whoever is willing and able
Can savor the sauce of my guts!
The poet comments, "Tasty even if a little foul."
I always leave carrots til last
And I gobble the peas really fast
But I won't touch my jello
While romancing a fellow
Cause sometimes it gives me bad gas.
The poet comments, "And this is the reason I can't have my dessert without first attempting to eat my meat...."
"Let's meet at this out-of-town diner"
Said a gentleman with a shiner
Said he "I will not harm you"
Look now, not just one eye but two..."
"As If!", said I, "I'm only a minor!"
Never again shall I hunt
While I'm walking in the front
A drunk man behind me
Rather trigger happy
Shot me in the arse to be blunt.
Bob S. writes 05/22/98
Just how many times must I tell you?
Said the nurse to her patient at Bellevue.
If your hand gets too spunky
While spanking your monkey,
I'll be more than happy to spell you!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Who frequented bars and latrines
Employed his white surplice
For an unnatural purpose
Entertaining a squad of marines!
I know a sweet girl who was chased
Through the meadow and then was unlaced.
She was caught by a gent
Who now pays her rent.
But before she was caught, she was chaste.
The poet comments, "Penthouse, are you there? Can we do lunch?"
Da Butt writes 05/21/98
I finally thought 'What the heck!'
Those Viagra pills are a speck.
But take careful note
If stuck in your throat
You'll wake with a very stiff neck!
The poet comments, "The idea came from Jim Koller."
That Viagra stuff is a curse!
The cost alone can drain a purse!
And if taking iron
This stuff, don't be tryin'
Pointing north is just the worst!
The poet comments, "The idea came from Floyd Koller."
TP, I'm just having a spasm !
Who cares if "Edna ever orgasms?"
I"ve figured out "ORE"
In Bob's dialect's "WHORE"
He's in Edna! Not down an ore chasm!
The poet comments, "Help! My homynym button is stuck! "
Friar writes 05/21/98
There once was guy called Big Bob
But strangely, he had a small knob
So to give his girl pleasure
Every night beyond measure
He just used a corn-on-the-cob!
The poet comments, "Characters portrayed in this limerick are f(r)ictional, and
any resemblance to persons living or dead, is merely co-incidental.
"
Balto writes 05/21/98
Sorry Lassie, I must now tell my tale
'Twas a white lie so your ass I could nail
But wasn't fibs
That I can't have kids
Of course I can't, bitch, I'm a male!
The poet comments, "You probably were right about 1 out of 2"
Balto writes 05/21/98
Where do scientists idea's come from ?
More often than not they are wrong
Dingoes don't spread rabies
Wreck ozone, eat babies
And they don't need to fart, they just pong.
Big Bob writes 05/21/98
Our peruser of poems that we post
Is normally fairer than most
But I think he just bit
When I scoffed at Aitch's shit
Could someone be feeding Aitch toast?
The poet comments, "Dame Edna would never be that clever. No...I just used the wrong spelling"
For TP, poets prepare one and all
Writing on paper, on scaps and the wall
But oh no, not I
I write on the fly
And christ, the little fuckers are small!
The poet comments, "I thought this one had vanished into the ether but I just found it floating in coffee"
Marsha, if it's John Deere you chase
You will end up not content at his place
In order to bed y'
He may offer his header
But in the end he just won't make a CASE.
To all reading this page I confess
The tribute to Marsha was a mess
It was more than bad luck
'twas a careless fuckup
Of course not a God, a Goddess!
The poet comments, "Oresome ain't it TP (and we don't need oarfull as a response)"
Ray Hemphill writes 05/21/98
When he learned he had been made a cuckold,
The villain he gave lots of knuckle.
Do you want me to tell
Which gender caught hell?
Well, you decide that as you chuckle.
Naughty Me writes 05/20/98
The was a young lady named Vicki,
Who grabbed a young man by his dickie.
When she gave it a pull,
It became quite full,
And her hand came away quite sticky.
Bob shares the Kaczynski/Lewinsky limericks 05/20/98
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe all that stuff off your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
A blind pedophile named Bob Curt
Groped a kick boxer midget named Bert
Bert, Curt realigned
He pees from behind
And each time he shits- his dick hurts!
The poet comments, "My mom is threatening to wash my mouth out with lye soap.
I hid all the soap."
Big Bob, hate to hear you're in ORE
Hope the miners will find you before
Your Canary croaks
Are you out of smokes?
Could be dynamite on mine shaft floors!
The poet comments, "Ore? I want the name on your dictionary. Balto perhaps?"
"Will you come with me back to my lair?"
He said this to curvy, young Claire.
"I can't have a date.
It's day twenty-eight,
And you know that I don't have a spare."
Al Willis writes 5/19/98
As the years whiz on by, I forget:
Was Romeo's girl Juliet?
They say I'm getting old,
And my blood's running cold.
I Should I get an erect-or (yes!) set?
It would watch me when I combed my hair.
It was virile and active, mon cher.
Now it watches (bad news),
As I tie both my shoes.
Oh, when will it end, this nightmare?
When there's proof that I'm losing my hair,
And the kids rush to get me a chair,
I'll never admit
That my plumbing has quit,
But I did buy some long underwear.
Said the tits to that lusty guy, Enos,
"I hope you'll do naught to demean us.
We might be induced,
Or even seduced.
In the meantime, put nothing between us."
Big Bob writes 05/19/98
Marsha, I'm in ore from afar
For 'tis truly a god that you are
But could you, in rendition
Explain the position
You adopt to pee over a car?
The poet comments, "Mathmatical calculation shows that for a man to achieve this he would need:
a) to be 8 foot tall b) to be 20 inches long c) Have the bladder of a bull elephant
or d) get wet"
In ore? Is that an Edna Everagism?
EPA said those greenhouse gasses
Are from Australian Dingoes' asses
Their farts from down under
Rip the ozone asunder
Must be where Balto's big ass is!
It said in Bill's fortune cookie
"Be blessed with lots of nookie"
He put on his specs
Twas an Indian hex
"Big blast with lots of nukeys!"
Despite the homynym rhyme, we thought this was great!
Huang was a Chinese money man
Made Clinton's shit hit the fan
Said Armey and Newt
We're in hot pursuit
But these raincoats were not in the plan!
The poet comments, "TP translate it for Balto."
TP is a bit confused himself!
A babe in a bus in New Delhi
To the itchy finger'd male said,"Really!
Need you be such a bore?
If you wish to explore,
At my place you could do it more freely!"
New Dealy?
Ray Hemphill writes 05/19/98
His sister was his lusty twin
Who lived just for boozing and sin.
He got quite a shock
When she pulled out his cock
And incested that he put it in!
The Sage changed "men" to "sin" just to make that rhyme fit. We think it works!
Sir Balto is writing BLANK VERSE
As a poet he,s making me curse
I checked my Email
Guess he sent it by snail
Or had his send icon in REVERSE!
The poet comments, "BALTO where is my poem? TP just don't ask."
Bob S. writes 05/18/98
Viagra, the little blue pill
A favorite of President Bill
He randomly screws
Anything that moves
Gennifer, Monica or 'Hil"
Big Bob writes 05/18/98
If you feel your relationship's Yuk
If you're broke and you're down on your luck
If you need a friend
on whom to depend
Don't call on me 'cause I don't give a fuck!
The poet comments, "A variation on a much longer poem I read years ago,
One Al Willis may appreciate"
Bob S. writes 05/17/98
Ther once was a Randy attorney
Who buggered a fellow named Ernie
He said "I'll be Frank"
As he wiped off his crank
"In Ernest, my practice concerns me".
The poet comments, "Randy, Frank and Ernest (earnest) atty's at law"
In the Army, on Saturday night,
The meal was revolting, a mite.
It was called "donkey dick";
Some soldiers got sick.
At the least, it killed my appetite.
The poet comments, "It is PC to say cold cuts."
Toast Point once again thanks the gods he was never in the military.
Methinks we'll stop mooning our SAGE
Our butts we shant shine on his page
E'er we should turn mutinous
We just poo-pooed on us
GREAT SAGE pisseth fire when enraged!
The poet comments, "I promise to be good. It's just that I've been hanging out
with the dog boys so much, I'm having symptoms of men-of-paws."
The Sage winces at the pun.
For a short time I must disappear
Got a real heavy date with John Deere
We roll in high grass
Hay rake up our ass
Did I hear our Toast Point give a cheer?
The poet comments, "Well, at least it's safe sex."
Oo, we hear John's got some big equipment!
PeterW writes 05/17/98
A hoover's a dangerous thing
'Cos its suction is certain to bring
A priapic distension
And permanent tension.
I know, 'cos my dick's in a sling!
Anonymous shares a classic 05/16/98
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Had forty consecutive wet dreams
With remarkable wit
Je wrapped them in shit
And sold them as peppermint creams!
The poet comments, "my entry hasn't got much relevance to the first line - what has short sightedness got to do with it?
however being new to this I just wanted to contribute an old favourite. hope I've pressed the right buttons."
Big Bob writes 05/16/98
Marsha, where I am, I can't Hack It
So I'll grab what I need and I'll Pack it
Then during the night
I'll try to take flight
If I can manage to undo my straight Jacket.
The poet comments, "Maybe I can get Balto to chew the leather straps off"
Leather and Chains may good upon thee
But I'm afraid the whip's out, Ms Magee
I know it seems tame
But I'm not into pain
And whipping your butt is way beyond me!
The poet comments, "Still struggling with the jacket"
Aitch, TP's laid down the law
It's a challenge I cannot ignore
So I will pace out ten
And then turn with my pen
If you're ready, try to even the score!
The poet comments, "Not my fault Aitch, Toast Point calls the shots.
Marsha, if he wins, kill Him !!"
My lover, while mounting me, slipped
Too much baby oil, she lost her grip
I tried to hold on
But like a flash she was gone
So next time we were chained at the hip!
Ray Hemphill writes 05/16/98
Viagra's made quite an advance
That's filling the front of my pants.
Get over here fast
And bring your old ass;
It might be your very last chance!
It seems that we need a new axiom
Bout guys having sex with a vacuum
If your Hoover you're lustin'
It's not for nut bustin'
Tis a vortex - twill eat 'em - then sack 'em!
Lassie writes 05/15/98
You two dogs,I'm afraid this is it
I'm sick of your Macho bullshit
You posture and pose
When everyone knows
You've both got no nuts, they've been snipped!
The poet comments, "I'll give you "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr""
Big Bob writes 05/15/98
A man, who we really can't name
Was the one who brought "Doggies" to fame
He realised (With a smile)
That by using that style
He could screw while still watching the game!
The poet comments, "Write to Balto if you require instruction"
She stood, one boob out, in the rain
Deep in thought, she was straining her brain
Till a passerby's shout
"Hey, your tit's hanging out!"
Drew "Oh shit, I've left the kid on the train."
The Facts on men at the end of this page
Should not have been published, my Sage
We men know it's fact
That were deeper than that
She missed out "Good Sport"! , I'm outraged!
Balto,even you ought to know
That of vowels you need more than four
And as Peter's aware
That the bastards ain't spare
He'd better get down on the floor.
The Friar has shown us just what
Has made me a Pig and a Grot
But can I point out
That the words that you sprout
Has shown us you eat too much twat!
The poet comments, "I hope your happy, I got indigetstion"
There was a young fellow named Quinn
Who was living a life of sin
Not Murray or Lassie
Could grease up his chassis
He much preferred Rin Tin Tin!
I once knew a rough girl named Carly
Who liked her sex real gnarly
With a dildo that's lumpy
On a road really bumpy
On the back of a seventy-four Harley!
The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers "
Balto writes 05/14/98
Marsha, yes it's Balto again
My heart's broken, I'm really in pain
To get me in shit
With the Sage is the pits
I Beg you don't do that again!
Aitch, I have got two big sons
They're young and they're curious ones
They are asking of Xirth
Does she come down to earth?
And oh, has she got fifty bums?
Big Bob writes 05/14/98
Toast Point, you are quite right, you know
Ms. Magee, my apologies flow
It was quite rude of me
To assume when you pee
That you cannot stand right through the show!
The poet comments, "CAUTION: This is only performed by experts in controlled conditions,
you should never try it at home !"
Aitch, your lament left me numb
And gold stars, I'd have given it none
But your Dad should be flamed
Because he's to blame
For not using condoms with your mum.
I thought the SAGE patted my back
A great BIG gold star, what a wrap
But when Aitch got one too
Twas then that I knew
YOU USE THEM FOR HIGHLIGHTING CRAP!
The poet comments, "Sorry Aitch but a three verse limerick DESERVED more than one comment"
Toast Point wonders why Big Bob is picking a fight with Aitch? Limericks at 10 paces, please.
If you feel of THE SAGE you must moan
You can bloody well do it alone
I know the rules suck
but I don't give a fuck
And I can get my ass burned on my own!
The poet comments, "Marsha, I can think of safer targets"
I'm afraid I have just one more night
Before from this page I'll take flight
But I'll read it once more
So you can even the score
And then my farewell I must write
Friar writes 05/14/98
Big Bob’s not a sheep that can bleat
But into his sty will retreat
For devouring my swine
That suits me just fine
Cause I know: ‘What we are ’s what we eat’!
The poet comments, "I also thought pigs 'oink'. Just kidding."
Big Bob, let's just run off together
We sound like two birds of a feather
I can pee when I stand
Cause I'm really a man!
How you feel about whips, chains and leather?
The poet comments, "Just pulling your leg. I'm female, but can pee over cars. I can hear Toastpoint now. No more stars for her!"
Ray Hemphill writes 05/13/98
In Hollywood hookers all stand
On Sunset and wait for a man.
One john learned a lot
When he reached for a twat
And wound up with a dick in his hand!
He's afraid of the dark, the dumb creep.
So he sleeps with a light and counts sheep.
He's called a light sleeper,
Now this gets a bit deeper;
Just how does a hard sleeper sleep?
Aitch writes 05/12/98
A rotten and bloody old cerement
Has cells upon which I’ll experiment.
From tissue that’s grown,
Lord Jesus I’ll clone,
And he’ll recount the New New Testament.
The poet comments, "Inspired by the recent Shroud of Turin news."
Plus a multi-verser:
An alien Hiftlorss named Xirth
Let fifty space men in her berth.
She had fifty cunts
With vibrating shunts -
A cluster-fuck like none on Earth!
Soon the whole crew had stiff poles,
Her twats started smoking like coals,
When each little sac room
Went slam on full vacuum,
And sucked all their balls through their holes!
And the moral of the story:
(drought is the ‘-outh’ pronunciation)
At light speed when nookie’s a-drought,
Just let all old adage go south.
If you may choose,
Don’t cunt-shoot your ooze:
Best gook a Hiftlorss in the mouth.
Toast Point comments, "I always knew Science Fiction melted the brain - sure did mine!"
Ray Hemphill writes 05/12/98
There was a young farm boy named Mort,
And Mort was the curious sort.
He inserted his thing
In a milking machine
Not knowing 'twas set for a quart.
FCA writes 05/12/98
"Laying the table" at the home of the Peels
Will have acquired new meaning, one feels
Since medic, Doc Moses
Prescribed Viagra in doses
Taken three times a day before meals!
Methinks Lassie's Lover and Balto
Write doggerel verse eating Alpo
I'm calling a Vet
Or better yet
I'll send an Email to Geraldo!
The poet comments, "You guys are really funny! Arff Arff !"
When courting THE SAGE, old curmudgeon
Writing limericks with rules we must fudge in
For eons we sit
"Shit, clit, or tit?"
Let's fire his ass, then bring Matt Drudge in!
The poet comments, "Please GREAT ONE! I didn't really mean it!
Balto and BIG BOB really wrote it. Honest! "
The Sage glowers at the poet, "If thou wishest Matt Drudge, thou undoubtedly deservest him."
Balto writes 05/12/98
The use of restraints can be fun
And Lassie has got just the one
But beware when you use it
And never abuse it
You could be hurt if you put it on wrong.
PeterW, you can breathe now with ease
For I've counted the vowels you keyed
There was none of them missing
And so I am guessing
You were typing while scratching for fleas!
Al Willis, this should be no surprise
But every poet on this page tries
For a twist in the tail
But I'm afraid I must fail
'Cause that always brings tears to my eyes
The poet comments, ""Grrrrrrrrrr that wuff""
Lassie's Lover, I thought I was Bad
With all of the bitches I've Had
But I just don't know how
You could screw with a cow
So I'm going to tell Lassie, you cad!
The poet comments, ""Eating a cow for breakfast's one thing, but desert ???? YUK""
Big Bob writes 05/12/98
This one is for Marsha Magee
You've a talent the whole world should see
You're probably cute
And you're brainy to boot
You'd be a God if you could stand when you pee!
Toast Point comments, "Who says she can't?"
The words that you wrote were a treasure
If I knew what they meant they'd be better
I'd likely be pissed
If I knew what I missed
So I chucked two more in for good measure.
The poet comments, "Gunna go find a dictionary on the net....back soon"
Teresa, I think that I've found
A revenge 'gainst your man and the hound
If you stuff Kip's ass
With a few shards of glass
They'll have one last go fucking around!
Friar, your pig shot past me
Four feet off the ground yelling "Wheeeeee!"
He didn't get far
Slammed into a car
But the bacon was nice - thanking thee!
Lassie writes 05/12/98
Balto, it's you I distain
I asked you if you could refrain
From telling my lover
I'm screwing another
Now he's read it, he'll be such a pain!
Balto writes 05/12/98
Marsha you sound like you're fun
For a moment with you I would run
'Cause you'd have to ignore
My big hairy paws
And the fact that I like smelling bums!
BIG BOB writes 05/12/98
Marsha, I'd never purvey
A story to lead you astray
The Pilot's big stick
Fits between where he sits
But it's bolted down tight all the way!
The Friar writes 05/11/98
I once owned a pig that could fly
I fed him on baked beans and rye
He developed the art
Of a thunderous fart
That propelled him up into the sky!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
With a toy blow-up woman was seen
He grabbed for her G-spot
Heard noise like a teapot
Now he knows what Ascension Day means!
If it weren't for old Peter Roget
We poets would have nothing to say
Words clean or erotic
Aaronic to Zygotic
I'm sending Big Bob one today!
The poet comments, "My copy is 1970 vintage, found in some antique books last week. "
Muldune writes 05/11/98
Mr. Clinton, you lying, conniving SOB
Just face facts, you can't control your weewee
First it was Paula
And now it's Monica
What would you say if Dole did Chelsea?
Toast Point comments, "And he could now, thanks to Viagra!"
Mr. Clinton, I've heard that in old Arkansas
That little girls often slept with their Pa
So if you're tired of Hillary
Then grab your little filly
I'm sure she won't talk to Ken Staa..
Big Bob, loved your rhyme and your meter
But all you men think about's peter
But finding a cavity
In anti-gravity
Is a job for an Alien weeter!
The poet comments, "Hell hath no,..........Just joking Big Bob. I really enjoyed
getting limericked. Flame rhymes with FAME!"
My joy is a soft little kitty
To pet when I'm sad and quite shitty.
Or a walk in the park,
Or the song of a lark,
Or a young and tumescent big titty.
The poet comments, "I like surprise endings."
Balto writes 05/10/98
Lassie's Lover, I know just what you mean
But she has tricks that you might not have seen
She'll stand and she'll stay
And if you twist the right way
She can suck you right in till you cream!
The poet comments, "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
BIG BOB writes 05/10/98
The Sage is the one with "Last Say"
So you may not get to read this today
But the writer gets miffed
When the Sage fiddles with
The Last Line.....................................
The Sage is always willing to listen to a poet's whines, er, demands, er, requests.
Oh Possum, you write a fine line
And I think that I know where you dine
But Suzie's a boy
What your eating's a toy
Stuffed with catfish to make it taste fine.
The poet comments, "I wonder what fish smelled like before women learned how to swim (a borrowed line)"
To answer your dual thirteen
Is simple, as you should have seen
Because if you do
It'll rip you in two
That's not Bad Luck, it's bloody obscene.
The poet comments, "Rip that into ya"
Henry Fitzgerald writes 05/09/98
I think it would be rather fun
To bugger old Justice McMunn.
A tricky thing lust is:
One may do the Justice,
But he must not be seen to be done.
In recalling "U.S. versus Nixon"
Twas leaks that the plumbers were fixin'
Twas Deep Throat who blew it
Then Nixon said "Screw it!"
But not with some pubescent vixen!
The poet comments, "My mother thinks that is funny."
FCA writes 05/09/98
Viagra, the little blue pill
It may work but only with skill.
Those scientists demean us -
It falls off the penis!
Use scotch tape to help it keep still!
BIG BOB writes 05/09/98
Marsha, you join the space race
Bring to them your rhythmic pace
And this is how you fit
The pilot's big stick...
Oh, I'm sorry, I've run out of space!
Viagra, the little blue pill
Is for those who can't take their fill
The Australian way's
Screw a new one each day
Then it'll always stand up for the thrill!
The poet comments, "Not while the wifes watching"
f vwels n my keybard I've fur
I've cunted 'em lking fr mre
I thught that there ught
T be mre f that srt
S the must've drpped t the flr
JT writes 05/08/98
My kybord hs two missing kys,
(Though still I m rhyming with s)
My "" nd my ""
r victims, you s,
Of Gzr's dmn loos-ky diss.
FCA writes 05/08/98
I rubbed up this powerful genie
Who turned out to be gay and called Queenie.
I said, "Hi", then addin'
Do you like Aladdin ?"
He replied, "How big's this lad's weinie ?"
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Mistook "Whorehouse" for "Warehouse" in Keynes.
There he met, from Ethiopia
A Bishop with myopia
And four astigmatic old Deans. !
Engr writes 05/08/98
A Dutch proctologist named Mike
Had his thumb out, trying to hitchhike
He was offered a ride
By a lesbian bride
Now his finger is stuck in a dike!
The ghost of old Lincoln once said
"Thars a Chinese asleep in my bed!"
Abe went to the john-
Said "BOO" to John Huang
"Wernt scared! Gave me greenbacks instead!"
The poet comments, "All you Clintoncrats are just barking up the Huang Trie."
An avid bird-watcher named Rose,
Was bent over, adjusting her hose,
But she forgot about Mike,
Along on the hike,
Now she knows where the wild goose goes.
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 05/07/98
Viagra, the little blue pill
Cannot replace sexual skill.
True, a hard-on's required,
But more is desired
To achieve the right level of thrill!
The poet comments, "I guess now you can buy anything..."
Science said a Big Bang was recorded
Is outer space too getting sordid?
It banged Ursa Major
Then sought to engage her
"I'm innocent " Clinton retorted.
The poet comments, "When I grow up, I want to be a rocket scientist."
When growing Spring gardens, it's true
The best fertilizer is poo
Plants will grow faster
But rain brings disaster
And slick stinky stuff on your shoe.
The poet comments, "Been there,done that. Yuk!"
A mean Carpetbagger named Herman
Went South 'long with General Sherman
Great Granny shot true
Lord, when she got through
Herm's gender was hard to determine!
The poet comments, "YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA!"
Possum writes 05/07/98
Let's meet at this out-of-town diner
There's nothing round here that is finer.
The owner's named Suzy,
The meals taste like sushi,
But it's really just Suzy's vagina.
I'm not superstitious, you see,
But a 13 inch dick? Oh, me!
Would it be bad luck
To suck and to fuck
That on a Friday 13th.?
Blowcephus writes 05/07/98
She screamed as he opened the door
And fell straight back on the floor.
Though ugly and old,
She was out cold,
So he fucked her like a $2 whore.
Viagra, the little blue pill
Can cure your impotence ills.
But blowjobs are better
And hotter and wetter,
More fun, and free, if she will!
Never again shall I hunt
For pussy or nookie or cunt.
I don't need no cat,
'Cause better than that
Is the pig I bought as a runt.
Big Bob writes 05/07/98
It was all a big mixup, you know
And I think we should all let it go
Bill mixed up his facts
He thought she said Sax
"Wrap your lips round the end, love, and blow!"
The poet comments, "Could he have answered differently ?"
A Shar-pei with the mange may feel good
To a puppy who "Would Be" a stud
But if you want to profess
Your animal prowess
Try a Great Dane, that should strain your manhood!
The poet comments, "Go Lassie"
Would Clinton submit to castration?
And indeed would that serve the nation?
I can just hear the calls
If you cut off his balls -
"Keep those - 'cause the rest's no sensation!"
The Sage fiddled with the last line, for scansion.
MsBehaving, I know it's your first
And I certainly don't mean to be terse
But if you lift your hand high
Before you do up your fly
What you write may be better, not worse.
The poet comments, "Better not, Just kidding around"
Ray Hemphill writes 05/07/98
She was old but she still liked to do it.
She'd lost all her teeth and we knew it.
I took her to bed;
She grinned and she said,
"I gum, I don't fuck, I eschew it."
My kyboard has on missing ky.
I couldn't car lss, as you'll s.
But why should I grip ?
As long as I typ
A po m that rhym s to a t ?
I advise Lassie's Lover take note
Of the Dog Breeders Handbook; I quote:-
"You should muzzle dog's jaws
When you mate them because
If frustrated, they'll go for the throat."
The poet comments, "Cows are safer."
Wildman writes 05/06/98
I thought, when he spoke of "male bonding"
He was friendly, and not tryin' to con me.
So we went out fishing,
Till I found he was wishing
For sucking and fucking and fondling!
The best part is right in the middle
The part where a woman makes piddle.
And if it is shaven,
Then I'm really cravin'
To lick it awhile and then diddle.
I rubbed up this powerful genie
Said, "make me an 18 inch weinie!"
But he got it wrong,
'Cause I'm now a hot dog.
That genie's a dope or a meanie.
Teresa writes 05/06/98
My lover, while mounting me, slipped
And left me feeling quite gypped.
He landed instead
On the dog by the bed,
And decided he'd rather fuck "Kip".
Mike M. writes 05/06/98
Clinton likes to give 'em a whirl,
And Gore makes their tongues unfurl.
When their anagram's written,
"Al Gore/Bill Clinton"
Becomes "Ball lot on nice girl"!
A nearsighted doctor from Queens
Told his patient, "Please drop your jeans."
He thought the patient a chick,
But when he saw the guy's dick,
Said, "That's the biggest clit I've ever seen!"
A hookworm I know caused delight
And later regretted her plight.
She cancelled her dates
With wormy curates,
This sexy hookworm of the night.
Lesley writes 05/06/98
There was once a man from Nantucker
Who performed the hucker hucker
His balls weren't oval
The team wasn't jovial
Do you think he gave a fucker?
"So large is your vagina," he exclaimed
That i must confess, I'm ashamed
When I finally scored
I grabbed on to a board
And while climbing out,I was maimed......"
The poet comments, "sorry, first try!!"
JT writes 05/05/98
Our love-making paused for some lube,
My lover uncapping the tube,
A furious sneeze,
A spurious squeeze --
And K-Y all over one boob!
An ignorant lad named Krause
Listened just quiet as a mouse
While a most evil man
Told hin Peter Pan
Was a wash basin in a whorehouse.
A naive girl named Louise
Thought the moon was made of green cheese
This gullible she
Was heard to agree
Moby Dick's a veneral disease
The poet comments, "(1998) Bob Moers"
FCA writes 05/05/98
I rubbed up this powerful genie
For a Latino - in or out her bikini.
So I said "For my wish -
Bring me an Italian hot dish"
You guessed it - he brought me linguini!
??? - Latinos aren't Italians, are they?
Would Clinton submit to castration?
Would it stop his intern-al temptation?
It's giving me gas
These tales of grab-ass
Let's do it on Face the Nation!
Never again shall I hunt
For the cleanest, most savory cunt
If what I can snatch'll
Fit into this satchel
I'll get what I desperately want!
Would Clinton submit to castration?
Nope – cause he loves the sensation
Of slapping his nuts
On the chins and the butts
Of all the interns in the nation!
FCA writes 05/05/98
Viagra, the little blue pill
If you aint got much ink in your quill!
Works like an unction
On penile dysfunction -
Put simply, gets Jack up his Jill!
The mayor's wife in the small town of Rhyl
Took a lover - one William John Hill.
With her husband not there
This illicit affair
Showed where Mayor's away there's a Will !
Ray Hemphill writes 05/04/98
In a prune in a spoon came THE PILL.
She's 80 and hoping I will.
But it ain't gonna work;
My duty I'll shirk
'Cause I still hate the smell of that krill.
With truth she is being quite frugal
That "Friend of Bill" Susan McDougall
There's no mean intent
Just thoughts of cement
Or a bullet hole right through her noodle!
The poet comments, "Yes, Jane Doe is my real name>"
PeterW writes 05/03/98
A lovely young bride name of Kylie
Said, "Husband, I don't rate you highly.
I have to confess
I prefer the caress
And the fucking of Father O'Reilly."
There is one way to get rid of ants,
If you've failed with the poisons, perchance.
Take the male of the species
And paint him with feces,
And I know this will kill all romance.
The poet comments, "Ya know, when a writer has class......"
A well-endowed seamstress named Robin
Caught her nipple down under the bobbin
She tugged and she jerked
But still nothing worked
Now she has one boob with no knob in!
The poet comments, "You reap what you sew."
Would Clinton submit to castration?
To relieve his sexual frustration?
Or would he claim innocence
No weapons his defense
Impotent in a united nation?
Henry Fitzgerald writes 05/02/98
To a lady, said John Stuart Mill,
“If you’re after a bit of a thrill,
Though the Mill, as you know,
Grinds exceedingly slow,
I assure you, it grinds with a will!”
Ray Hemphill writes 05/02/98
Viagra's made me a new man.
Old Lazarus is taking a stand.
But I'm home all alone,
Nobody to bone.
I guess I'll just emulate Onan.
The Feds want to crack down on anger.
Road kill from a slight fender banger.
Those whackos that beep
When I'm driving asleep-
Get pissed if I give them the fanger!
The poet comments, "I think that is the way they spell finger in Arkansas."
It ain"t the economy stupid!
It ain't about Willie and Cupid!
It's 'bout the truth shading
And all of us wading in
BS so deep you can't scoop it!
The poet comments, "Ask me no questions,I'll tell you no lies!"
Is Congress just yanking your chain ?
Are they feeling your IRS pain?
Sure, they're gonna fix it !
Let's make 'em deep six it
Somewhere between Hell and Bahrain!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Ate plutonium instead of baked beans
One day as Mass started
An A-bomb he farted
Thats why the old bell tower leans!
The poet comments, "There's just no rest for the wicked limericist!
I'm Baptist, but after that I need to go to confession."
Toast Point will have to share this with the two clergymen who live
across the hall (yes, with each other!).
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Saw Clinton in a black limousine
"Oh God! protect her!
It's Hannibal Lecter !
And he's eating her liver and spleen!"
The poet comments, "Does Toast Point have anything like the Witness Protection program?"
Just the anonymity of a pseudonym. Marsha isn't your real name...is it?
An old geezer who can't hear it thunder
Took Viagra and looked down in wonder
His pajamas had burst
It so frightened his nurse
She died and is now six feet under!
FCA writes 05/01/98
Lipstick is a wonderful invention
For women to attract our attention.
Helps distinguish them more
From the pitbull next door
When they get that pre-menstrual tension.
Toast Point knows that as a soprano joke - "What's the difference between a soprano
and a pit bull? The lipstick."
Muldune shares a classic 05/01/98
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky."
The poet comments, "These were mailed to me and I just had to share them"
Said Bill, "I've committed no crime.
It's all my old pals doing time!
And if I confess
The Monica mess
You're screwed, I'll just do it in mime!"
FCA writes 05/01/98
A mad German rapist called Moults
Attacked two office cleaners from Holts.
When he ran from this caper
The headline in the paper
Read: "Nut screws washers and bolts"
FCA writes 05/01/98
You might think I'm over the hill
But can still give my wife a big thrill.
It's six inches by three -
"Give me more", is her plea
As I hand her a ten-dollar bill !
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by Bob Giandomenico
In bed with an Asian girl, Brant,
Took note of her pussy's odd slant.
When he asked, "Can you screw
With a crack so askew?"
She replied with a smile, "Yes, I can't."
by Brandy Brandon
A seductive mam'selle from Calais
Remarked as she did it for paix,
"Free love's overrated
And somewhat outdated.
I only for money chalet."
by Bob Giandomenico
A weary-worn groom, Mickey Finnigan
Heard his bride hotly moan, "Put it in again,
And give me more jazz, Mick,
I'm milti-orgasmic,
As soon as we're through, let's begin again."
by Bob Giandomenico
The boy to his girl proudly crows,
"Here's something that you don't have, Rose."
"That's true," said the miss,
"But just look at this.
And with this, I can get lots of those."
by Aaron Bell
"Sell your body? That's sin! You repent!"
Pled the cleric, but she only went
Off with much laughter.
And she told me after,
"Not for sale, but only for rent!"
by Norm Storer
I've purchased a jolly new policy
To ensure that no lovely young doll I see
Can claim breach of promise
In case her pajamas
Come off during joint alcololicy.
by F. Stop Fitzgerald
O.J. Simpson approached Heidi Fleiss,
And suggested some golf might be nice.
"I'm not sure I agree,"
Heidi said, "I'm not free.
I'm a hooker and you got a bad slice."
by James M. Menger
Today's Mid-East peace, to my eyes,
Involves Christian acts in disguise.
There the Arab and Jew,
Act like most Christians do,
And are killing each other like flies.
by Bob Giandomenico
Garibaldi gained global renown
Storming Sicily's shores for the crown.
His men wore shirts of red
To hide wounds when they bled;
On this basis, their trousers were brown.
by Phil Cannibal
To his dad said a lad in deep woes,
"Some person should know, I suppose.
Who ran this foul play?"
"Not I," said O.J.
"Ask your mother, I think that she knows."
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
I'm confused and to me it's not clear,
Why, in spite of brocaded headgear,
Festooned with long tresses
And the fact he wears dresses,
The Pope was named, "Man Of The Year"?
by William K. Alsop
When Adam first met up with Eve
He said, "I can't laugh up my sleeve,
But to me you look queer,
When you bring me my beer,
And funnier still when you leave."
by Tom Patton
His balls needed low radiation,
But he received the wrong gradiation.
Now they can light
The deep darkest night,
And broadcast a radio station.
by Tom Patton
Grandpa slept while driving his Nash;
The passengers screamed 'fore the crash.
May I go in my sleep,
Not in my jeep,
But deep in a moist and warm gash.
by Vassar W. Smith
There's the curious case of Miss Blake,
Whose cunt got a craving for cake;
At the ball of the Thayers,
It swallowed three layers,
Which would seem a grave social mistake.
by Vassar W. Smith
"Such poor manners are not of our notch!"
Protesting, declared Mrs. Hotch.
Said her husband, "'Twas rude,
And left us no food,
But it sure gave us something to watch!"
by Thomas G. Keller
Pious monks who live in their cloisters
Should avoid a diet of oysters.
Such food can inspire
Illicit desire
In cocks, and the brothers might hoist theirs.
by Theo Heller
"Why, your sunburn looks great!~ Really fine!
And your red, ruddy cheeks are divine.
But he was a gent.
The guy really meant,
"You've a face like a baboon's behind."
by Tom Patton
A fat man who lived in New York
Said, "I've got to get rid of this pork.
I look like a pig,
My stomach's so big,
And there's no way of dipping my dork."
by Loren C. Fitzhugh
From a desperate need to be thin
A round man did a diet begin.
For some time though he did
Ingest high-cal liquid,
He succumbed, for the liquid was gin.
by Norm Storer
In Havana, a man in fatigues
Says, "Now that these Cold-War intrigues
Have ended, I pray
That I still might play
In left field for the double-A leagues.
by Arthur Deex
Alien spacecraft, it's said,
Abducts humans from out of their bed.
They must have an obsession
With mental regression,
Since they take those not right in the head.
by Barbara Cunningham
There once was a Vicar from Bray;
He drank many beers in one day.
Then he'd chase all the fellas
Who had umbrellas
And walked a peculiar way.
by Ann Gasser
Let us all give a loud, rousing cheer
For our father's affection for Beer;
We are grateful because
If not for its buzz,
A lot of us would not be here.
by Ann Gasser
Facts are facts, and it's perfectly clear,
Guys are guys, and unless a bit queer,
It's the sad sorry truth
Most are lacking in couth--
All they think of is broads, boobs, and beer.
I get discounts on my monthly web page bill if I display this button. I get even more money off if you click the button - try it and see! 