The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Since 1995!

Naughty Entries from April, 1998

from Poets From Whom Viagra Should Be Withheld!

Ray Hemphill writes 04/30/98

The poet comments, "When the above incident was in the news, I made an audiotape of this limerick and mailed it to the CEO of Kodak with the suggestion that he might want to use it in a commercial as an example of a Kodak Moment. Evidently he didn't care for my suggestion. I just don't understand it. I still haven't heard from him."

CB writes more stanzas to The Lady from Crete 04/29/98

Do you think she could put them all back
If all four of them now hit the sack?
Maybe she could fit more
(Like, say, Dave with dead whore,)
If she gave a good whack to the stack!

The poet comments, "Homage to Wormdirt"

Al Willis writes 04/29/98

FCA writes 04/29/98

The poet comments, "Not really naughty - but can't face a possible flogging from Toast Point."

The mention of breasts make one titter evilly; ergo, they're naughty. Toast Point does not want to incite the wrath of La Leche League, however.

You Don't Want to Know who writes 04/28/98

Ray Hemphill writes 04/28/98

Al Willis writes 4/28

When she walked on the beach (my girl, Tess),
Her rear showed a lovely excess.
Her cute bathing suit
Sent men in pursuit.
It's true that she has a largesse.

Vinnie the Face writes 04/28/98

FCA writes 04/28/98

The Friar writes 04/28/98

Monique de Plume writes 04/27/98

The poet comments, "Not raunchy, but not exactly Mary Poppins. A bit naughty?"

Vinnie the Face writes 04/27/98

This drink to be drunk is what calms
The sightless, old skunk beggin' alms
For now he forgets
All the time he regrets
That he spent with that wench, Rosie Palms

Al Willis writes 04/26/98

Beelzebub writes 04/25/98

Olinboy writes 04/25/98

The poet comments, "There's more where that came from!!!"

FCA writes 04/27/98

Ray Hemphill writes 04/25/98

She thought right in bed I would hop,
But arthritic bones tend to pop.
Viagra she fed me;
She's ready to bed me.
Could somebody lift me on top?

I'm willing to give up my life
If Viagra can end all this strife.
I'm just an old fart
And have a weak heart,
But place me on top of my wife.

When Clinton and Paula did meet,
He asked her to kneel at his feet.
She said, "You're the Gov.
And I know you need love,
But your meat is too crooked to eat."

Would Clinton submit to castration?
Would anything less cause cessation?
As long as he sees
A girl on her knees
We'll just have to wait for cremation.

Toast Point likes this first line so much he's going to put it in the form next month (unless the poet complains).

PeterW writes 04/25/98

Rosebud shares a classic 04/24/98

David Haller writes 04/24/98

A Russian basso from Minsk
Raped a coloratura from Pinsk.
She lay on the floor
Crying, "Darlink, more, more!"
"Sorry, sweetheart, it's limsk!"

BMAC writes 04/24/98

Manne shares a classic 04/24/98

Wildman writes 04/23/98

Since Kyle and Cartman and Kenny
Were virgins who'd never got any,
Cartman and Kyle
Screwed Kenny awhile,
Til he died - the first time of many.

The poet comments, "Those bastards!!"

JUSTIN writes 04/23/98

Cute, but not a limerick. Get thee hence to Hints on Limerick Structure.

The Friar writes 04/23/98

The poet comments, "We built a jungle gym on the weekend, for the kids. I think my one neighbour’s name is Melony, because she is rather… (water that is)"

Unlike Toast Point's neighbors, who are fruits, heh-heh-heh.

Wormdirt writes 04/22/98

The poet comments, "Just a rousing feminine endorsement, here."

Everett Parke writes 04/21/98

The poet comments, "When will it end?"

CyberCelt writes 04/21/98

Wormdirt writes a seven-verse epic 04/20/98

"Oh, Jack," said the lady from Crete,
"You really should be more discreet.
It's too easy to spot
That you're stuck in my twat."
As she said this, she pushed in his feet.

In the cunt of the lady from Crete,
Jack had almost passed out from the heat.
"She won't hear if I shout,
So I'll gnaw my way out."
And so saying, he started to eat.

From Jack's chewing, the lady from Crete
Had an orgasmic surge so complete
Jack was carried outside
On her spasming tide. . .
A surfacing diver, replete.

"Hey, Jack," asked the lady from Crete,
"While inside, did you happen to meet
A biker named Charley?
He can't find his Harley,
Which he parked in my cunt. What a treat!"

Jack replied to the lady from Crete,
"I was too busy eating your meat
To check out any guys;
But your cunt has the size
To contain a platoon or a fleet."

While Jack spoke to the lady from Crete,
From her cunt came a thundering beat,
And the Harley zoomed out.
She said, "I have no doubt
It's just my monthly cycle complete."

The poet comments, "If anyone else wants to continue the adventures of Jack and the lady, please feel free. (Rhyming on "Jack" instead of "Crete" would probably be easier."

CB did actually continue...

Mike M. writes 04/20/98

I'm dating a woman named Fricker,
Even though she don't let me stick her.
She likes to do
Something better than screw,
She's the quicker dick licker!

I once had a woman named Fricker,
Who liked to have sex on wicker
Furniture when
We screwed in her den,
And on her table, I'd lick her!

She gets around, doesn't she? This wouldn't be Oscar-winner Brenda Fricker now, would it?

Sudo Nim writes 04/20/98

The poet comments, "Found this on a scrap of paper. Did I submit it before?"

Nope!

Sam Pittman writes 04/19/98

The poet comments, "Just curious..."

We've been busy here...sigh...

Al Willis writes 04/19/98

Fgo writes 04/19/98

The Sage just HAD to change "united" to "foreign". He had a friend who worked in Foreign Affairs once.

Bubba writes 04/17/98

The poet comments, "Two words for me...."Seek Help" Keep up the good work Sage....Rock On!"

Fer sure, dude!

Al Willis writes 04/17/98

Sam Pittman writes 04/16/98

The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers "Sort of like the two necrophilliacs passing the mortuary and stopping off for a cold one.""

Bulldog writes 04/16/98

Uncle Jimbo writes 04/15/98

There once was a fatso named chef
Down in South Park he used Meth
He sang sex songs
While chicks sucked his dong
But his wife found out, you son-of-a-f***

You know that fat shit Uncle Jimbo
All he wants is a bimbo
But voice-box Ned
And jimbo in bed
Havin gay sex to get slim-bo

That dumb jewish kid's a turd
Cuz he flipped Cartman's mom the bird
But poor little Kenny
Has been mangled by many
"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY" "YOU BASTARD"

Sam Pittman writes 04/15/98

The poet comments, "(c) 1998 Bob Moers"

Mick Tully writes limograms 04/15/98

An odd amalgam of anagrams and the vulgar Limerick

You know it really isn't quite fair.
With Betty Boothroyd in that fine chair
She never brooks any argument
Within 'The Houses of Parliament':
When it "often pushes lame hot-air".

He bullies those weak MPs with flair
They complain hourly that he's not fair
With no preamble
Alistair Campbell?
His response is: I'm a pest? Call Blair!

The Left has had enough baloney
From Blair and his Mandelson crony
They won't stand any nonsense
At 'The Labour Party Conference'
So, let's: "act clean. Probe "Fuehrer" Tony!"

How terribly cruel can it get?
The poor cat, it's gone to the vet.
They say the Westminster chat
'bout 'Humphrey the Downing Street Cat?':
Cherie wants mog hurt? Thy end, pet!

Our politicians, as one they yearn
For awards that they sure think they earn
But I thought I was pissed
When 'The New Year's Honours List':
Anagrammed to: Whose tiny arseholes turn?

It was a slick slogan quite fair
To re-brand our Country he dare
'Cool Britannia': he boast,
Always beats a "Beef roast".
But the Tories said: "No action, Blair?"

"The Emperor's New Clothes", they aren't
To be gossiped about or then we can't
Get the finance to come forth
For 'The Angel of the North'
Our slick motto?: Ho-Ho! Feel tenth grant!

They piss-up and wreck many saloons
They're a bunch of gin-sodden goons
When topering at their local pub
'Wasps Rugby Union Football Club':
Are: Foul lusty pub-crawling baboons.

A Kensington copper, he had to grab
Dennis Wise who was giving it the gab
He staggered from the pub,
Singing: "'Chelsea Football Club?'
It equals: Foul local? He belts cab!"

A mad Frenchman, he inflicted big dents
On a fan's head when he took some offence
He said: "You must see,
'Manchester United FC':
Anagrams to 'Match intrudes fence!'"

After spanking a hooligan runt
In that infamous Selhurst Park stunt
Manchester United FC
Took a dim view of his spree
But he objected: "I'm teased: "French c**t!"

Two directors, their sweaty palms greased
By five million "kit" pounds at least
Bragged: "A new slogan you see
Of: 'Newcastle United FC':
Is the logical: I want c***s fleeced!
(Sponsored by Adidas)

The whole world was united in grief
'coz her seat belt, it started to chafe
Diana Princess of Wales
Who was in town for the sales
Saying : "Paris? Nice slow and safe!"

That great concrete post they nearly missed
But speed the driver he would insist
She didn't know he was on ales
For 'Diana Princess of Wales'
Became: Fine car? Alas, now pissed.

Adept at the sax or harmonica
A good "blow" he tried to offer her
When 'President William Clinton'
Showed his instrument to the intern
She said: "Lewd intent sir? Pill, Monica!"

Prince Charles, he is fond of a hike
Then speaking to a TV "mike"
He enjoys his evening strolls
With 'Camilla Parker-Bowles':
Then he likes to "Roll palace's warm bike!"

Many mouthfuls of jizz she had to spit
On that spotless white Oval Office Carpet
When intern got the washing done
At 'The White House Washington'
She thought: "Oh wow! He's that genuine shit!"

The Friar writes 04/14/98

Skirt Trilogy

The next day she wore a hem – high
And the boys, they could all see her thigh
It was much too revealing,
Extremely appealing
They all ogled and let out a sigh.

A day later (now this may seem blunt)
Her short skirt had a slit up the front!
As she walked through the door
They all ogled galore
But she had the skirt on back-to-front!

Umpty Scratch writes 04/12/98

The poet comments, ""I'm not especially proud of this limerick.""

PeterW writes 04/12/98

The Convivial Codfish writes 04/10/98

This blowtorch I thought I had mastered
(Guess I shouldn't have used it while plastered.)
Watch out for that--D'oh!
His parka is--Oh
"My God! I killed Kenny!" "You bastard!"

The poet comments, "I am so ashamed. No more, I promise."

No, no, bravo! Yours are the first South Park limericks we've had!

FCA writes 04/10/98

In the American version of cricket -
With kneepads, two balls but no wicket,
There's no appeal for "Howzat"
As the man lifts his bat -
Instead you'll hear "kiss it" or "lick it"!

Asked a survey of women, door to door -
"If you had sex with Al Gore, would he score?"
Fifty-two said "No way!
I prefer my sex gay!"
80% said "Who the hell is Al Gore ?"

MILENKO shares a classic 04/10/98

Hmmm...

Al Willis writes 04/09/98

Luca Thomas writes 04/09/98

Andrew writes 04/09/98

Wormdirt writes 04/08/98

The poet comments, "If you like this, I have an obscene epic in 6 or 7 stanzas."

Send it along!

Anonymous writes 04/07/98

The poet comments, "Great web-site. I am a poet and was surfing for poetry websites and stumbled upon yours. How fun."

Thank you!

Fgo writes 04/07/98

Al Willis writes 04/07/98

Sam Pittman writes 04/06/98

The poet comments, "I just love that word; pudenda. (c)1998 Bob Moers"

Toast Point sighs, remembering freshman year in college, when he wrote "National Pudenda Day" on his roommate's calendar on some day in October.

There was a young man named Malone
Who liked to have sex on the phone
He dialed nine hundred numbers
And wonder of wonders
When he came, he was always alone!

The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers"

Umpty Scratch writes 04/06/98

There once was a woman named Flapper.
Who went fishing on an isle called Nassur
She took five horny guys,
Who had rods as big as their thighs.
And she returned with a single red snapper.

The poet comments, ""Damn I'm good.""

CB writes 04/06/98

The poet comments, "CB to Ken Starr: It's the economy, stupid."

Fgo writes 04/05/98

I once met this girl from down under
Whose goodies I decided to plunder
But when I copped a feel
She started to squeal
And by God, what a noise when I bummed her!

Al Willis writes 04/04/98

Bulldog shares a classic 04/04/98

Toast Point begs Bulldog to search the archives for more limerickal renditions of this one.

There was an old man from Brazil
Who one day took the wrong pill
His heart expired
And his ass back-fired
And his balls were blown over the hill...

There once was an inventor by the name of MacBean
Who invented, of all things, a wanking machine
But on the 99th stroke
The bloody thing broke
And you should've heard him scream...

The poet comments, "There's more where that came from..."

Hairy Mary, oh so scary
How does your pubic garden grow?
That cheesy smell
Oh fuckin' hell!
And herpes warts all in a row...

The poet comments, "to the tune of nursery rhyme Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow...."

There was an old whore from Silesia
Whose quim had grown greasier and greasier
So now you must cum
Up her stinking old bum,
But be careful the tapeworms don't seize ya!

The poet comments, "A classic from Ivor Biggun and His Vulgar Band."

Toast Point makes a mental note to avoid that section of Tower Records.

FCA writes 04/03/98

Sam Pittman writes 04/03/98

The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers"

K. Starr writes 04/02/98

Sam Pittman writes 04/01/98

The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers Happy "All Fools Day""

Umpty Scratch shares a classic 04/01/98

The poet comments, "There is more where that came from."

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