The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Since 1995!
Naughty Entries from July, 1998
from Poets Who Should Be Ashamed of Themselves!
last updated July 31
Pentatettes are here!
Toast Point implores all his readers to take a tour through the 1997 entries
and let him know your favorites for the "Best of '97", which he hopes to post within
the month.
We have now acquired the domain name toastpoint.com!
You should be able to
get to the limerick contest just by typing toastpoint/limerick in
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An exotic young dancer named Fran
Performed her nude dance with a fan.
One evening she tripped.
As she did, her fan slipped
So the cops hauled her off to the can.
Raceway writes 07/29/98
Ken Starr is so free with our money
To prove Bill was into strange cunny.
"So who gives a shit,
You big hypocrite,
That his dick's always reeking of tunny?"
I once knew these twins Siamese
Who were always quite easy to please
For I have two cocks
And quadruple rocks....
They said I was just the bee's knees!
I dated some twins, one named Dinah
The other was called Evelina...
Conjoined at the clit
They cared not a whit...
'Twas up to me, either vagina.
The poet comments, "You need another bullet under "Did you write this limerick yourself?"
i.e. "Sharing a classic that I wrote myself.""
Ha! If poets could declare their own works as classic, we'd be hip deep in 'em.
On politics I've no agenda...
And if Bill screws Annette and then Brenda,
Good Luck to Ken Starr,
Our ethical czar,
In sniffing out straying pudenda.
"Old Man," she said rather cheekily,
"Your pelvis is grinding quite creakily,"
With one final shove,
In her tunnel of love,
He managed to come, although leakily.
Friar writes 07/29/98
There once were three lawyers from Slough
Howard, Allan then Andy (and now)
They sure made a fine trio
Like an orgy in Rio
How'ard Dewey, All' Screwum And' Howe!
If there's one thing that I like to do
It's to ogle the girls in the loo.
I peek through the transom
At buttocks quite handsome,
As it always enhances the view.
Raceway writes 07/28/98
My lover, while mounting me, slipped
And then that mean bastard, he quipped:
"It's all your own fault!
That roomy old vault!
What I'd give for a pussy that gripped!"
I thought, when he spoke of "male bonding"
Platonically he was responding,
But it seems I was wrong,
The urge was too strong,
For he took up male mutual fondling.
Would Clinton submit to castration?
I ask for the good of the Nation!
With his balls down the potty,
He'd less likely be naughty,
And the White House could use some aeration.
"My Heart Will Go On" - Well, on what?
Just how could you fall for such smut?
With her tits all a-jiggle
And her pussy a-wriggle,
She's such a lascivious slut!
The best part is right in the middle
Said a spinster named Old Lady Biddle.
"With a mirror in hand
You can find the right gland,
And give it a jolly good twiddle!"
Just how many times must I tell you?
Get your sorry ass out of my igloo!
Your bestial ways
With polar bear strays,
Is more than I'll ever get into.
Just how many times must I tell you?
I've never laid hands on your cockatoo!
I rarely do pets,
Not even on bets,
And I've never had sex with your emu!
I always leave carrots 'til last
The best of a lustful repast!
Those tubers so trim
Fit right up my quim,
And always provide quite a blast.
She screamed as he opened the door
That larcenous, thieving young whore.
"You took all my money!
Showed none of your cunny!"
He said as he settled the score.
Let's meet at this out-of-town diner
It's owned by this grizzled old miner...
He's a little bit weird,
But don't be a-feared
If he asks for a used panty-liner.
The poet comments, "Inspired by one of Letterman's recent Top Ten.....Things Not to Say in Victoria's Secret........"Just sniffing.""
I'm not superstitious, but then...
When the nurse said to pee once again,
I gave her the cup
That I would fill up,
And told her to clearly say "When".
I once owned a pig that could fly
But simply would not multiply.
"What good is that trick
When the sows are heart-sick?
Come down! You've got furrows to ply!"
Never again shall I hunt
With arrows so hopelessly blunt!
I aimed for the heart
Of that fickle young tart!"
Said Cupid who hated the cunt.
The poet comments, "Can't get into your first lines to add quotes......."
Oysters are sometimes delicious
Sculpted in form most auspicious,
Reminiscent of twat,
They get you all hot
To try something pink and lubricious.
I rubbed up this powerful genie
Taking care to avoid his green weenie....
But touch it I did
And he blew his lid,
Now mine's disappeared, that big meanie!
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Had a weakness for underage teens.
His plea of bad vision
Brought jury derision,
Now he's dining on prison cuisines.
Bluebird shares a classic 07/28/98
A couple named Tom and Louise
Did a vaudeville act on their knees.
They would crawl down the aisle
As they fucked doggie-style,
While the orchestra played Kilmer's "Trees."
The poet comments, "This is a variation of a limerick that was posted here in Nov. 1997. "
Gearhart & H write 7/28
A skanky old whore from Lake Placid
Had titties gangrenous and flaccid.
When she spread her thighs
The smell would kill flies.
It made your eyes burn just like acid.
H comments: Eric: just trying to surpass "Green Meat" (a lofty goal, indeed!)
Hub writes 07/27/98
I once had a beer named Key
Who constantly made me pee
He went for a ride
Made me upchuck inside
Man did he taste shitty.
Raceway writes 07/27/98
Viagra, the little blue pill
"A Godsend," said Hillary to Bill.
"'Cuz now after your tricks
With those intern-type chicks,
You're able my pussy to fill!"
Marty writes 07/26/98
Let's meet at this out-of-town diner
My husband can be such a whiner.
Who wants to listen
To his ol' pissin'
Because I have found someone finer?
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Peered out at the neighborhood scenes
He put on his glasses
To check out the lasses
Said, "I'll have the one in blue jeans!"
Would Clinton submit to castration?
It surely would cause a sensation.
A ruler without balls?
To women this calls
For a major, big celebration.
Viagra, the little blue pill
Reputed to give men a thrill
My Charlie took it.
He cried, "Hey, look-it!"
He sits there admiring it -- STILL!
I thought, when he spoke of "male bonding"
He meant he would be responding
To his inner child.
Instead he went wild:
Stuck his male bits in a Porn Queen.
"Oh, father! I have a confession!
Sex has become my obsession!"
"Let's see just how bad
You've got it, my lad!"
Father coaxed him into undression!
My lover, while mounting me, slipped
And into the wrong hole he dipped
"Wow, I like this space!
Let me mark my place.
It'll be better when you are stripped!"
I rubbed up this powerful genie
Who simpered and said "Oh, you meanie!
Don't call me at this hour.
I was in the shower!
Your rubbing me is quite unseemly."
She screamed as he opened the door
Just as her pink robe hit the floor.
"You cannot come in!
My slip is too thin.
I can't let you see any more!"
The poet comments, "Actually, my Mom wrote this one."
"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.
"Its beauty was for all to enjoy.
At the inquiry I'll back you,
That butterfly did attack you,
But next time use STUN not DESTROY."
The poet comments, "It's not really naughty but should be included here because of the extreme violence."
"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.
"We're out of the plutonium fuel alloy.
So as long as we're stopping,
Let's you and me go shopping.
You need a new pajama top, my boy."
The poet comments, "It's not naughty either but should be included here because of the
adult theme. "
"It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy.
"So lifeless and useless, your toy.
I'll find where my bag is,
And beam down Viagras
And that cute Klingon messenger boy."
The poet comments, "Maybe Star Trek should have its own category. "
David W. Neylon suggested the minor scansion cleanup that turned this limerick into a
gold-star recipient.
Raceway writes 07/26/98
Oh, father! I have a confession!
A naughty and sinful transgression!
I fondled myself
With a delf little elf,
And now he's become an obsession!
Puff Adder writes 7/26
There once was a General named Trout
Who with his army did storm a redoubt
They battered down doors
And found only whores
So they went in and they never came out.
The enemy leader was mad at 'em
He thought that he really had 'em
It was a crude trap
The whores had the clap
This was the vaunted germ warfare of Saddam.
Now clap is not known for killin'
The whores were all quite willin'
To avoid rejection
They took an injection
Because the medics had penicillin.
Raceway writes 07/26/98
The President said "One more quickie,"
Unfurling his prodigal dickie...
"Watch out for my dress!
I don't want a mess!"
Said Monica getting all sticky.
A Scot from the Valley of Clyde
Proclaimed to the world with great pride:
"My pecker's so long
And incredibly strong
Six pigeons can perch side by side."
To which his wife remarked:
"My dear, at the grape you've been nipping.
Your vision has just gone a-tripping.
The truth is, my pet,
Only three birds can set,
Ant that third one, his foot keeps on slipping."
Though she needed Depends, on my word,
My ex-wife refused: "How absurd!"
Wherever she sat,
There was odor of scat,
I, punster, call her "Undeterred."
Friar writes 07/24/98
The taxman has not caught me yet
Cause I'm smarter than he, I can bet
I keep roaming around
To avoid that bloodhound
But SHIT! It's cold here in Tibet!
COZ writes 07/23/98
McDonald was an old farmer,
Whose daughter was known as a charmer.
She'd build up some steam
As her suitors would ream,
'Cause her pussy's a real four-alarmer.
The poet comments, "This is what happens when you're bored at work."
The Genie said, "What's your desire?"
The black man said, "White I require.
And make me uptight
And quite out of sight."
Then, POOF! He's a Tampon! Hellfire!
The poet comments, "Based on a very old joke."
We admire the great Charlton Heston.
On a talk show, the bugger was guestin'.
"Please allow me, perchance.."
Then he reached in his pants
And he pulled out his big Smith & Wesson.
Bill shares a classic 07/20/98
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
The poet comments, "Did not write it. Wish I had "
For The Chief it's a red letter day
I think the red letter is "A"
But don't poke a rod
In the CO's wife's bod
Slick Willie was just there today!
The poet comments, "I'm waiting for the Commander-in-Chief to re-translate Semper Fidelis!"
Big Bob writes 07/20/98
I see Aitch is has not changed a bit
Eight weeks and he's still writing shit
But his new shortened name
Will not strain his brain
Maybe he can focus on developing a wit.
I wonder where Lassie's Lover has gone
Lassie's bitching that shes getting none
With Balto away
And no sign of a stray
She's even checked to see if the cat has a dong!
Marty writes 07/18/98
He claimed to be up for a lay.
He wanted to roll in the hay.
Take 'er or leave 'er.
I've got hay fever.
My eyes are swelled shut today.
He shouted, "I've got an erection!"
She mumbled, "I've got an infection.
If you wanna trade
Then you can get laid."
Funny -- he settled for affection.
A middle-aged Doctor named Saul
Met an innocent young girl in late fall.
Though he bought her no ring
Long before the next spring
She wasn't a virgin at all.
The young intern was heard to have said,
"Mr. Clinton took me to bed."
Bill denied it of course,
"Just consider the source,
And besides it was all in her head."
Popsicle shares a classic 07/18/98
There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
The maiden said, humming,
"I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "Thats me."
Deep-Goat writes 07/18/98
The best part is right in the middle
Of my cello, my big fucking fiddle
In the dark center hole
Lives a small midget ho
Who'll suck while you whittle a little.
I rubbed up this powerful genie
While fucking my little dog queenie
While pulling his pecker
I summoned a spectre
Three wishes..for sucking a weenie!!
The poet comments,
"To some folks who'll probably be sick
At the thought of thick doggie
dick.
Just think of the gain
Be a friend, be humane.
For three wishes you'll be trying this trick."
Well, obviously, you and Lassie's Lover should hook up.
Never again shall I hunt
For a word that rhymes well with cunt
While this limerick be strange
And a wee bit deranged
It's a hell of a publicity stunt.
The poet comments, "Whatcha expect from a guy named Deep-Goat?"
Would Clinton submit to castration?
What a question, it needs concentration!
On the one hand his wife
On the other a knife
Say goodbye to the balls of our nation.
The poet comments, "I'd like to thank all the little people...who made porn."
I always leave carrots 'til last
Merely etiquette I learned in my past
Wure I like them all right
But it's a horrible sight
When grandma pulls them out of her ass.
The poet comments, "Goats'll eat anything."
Would Clinton submit to castration?
If he thought it an island vacation
The bastard's so dumb
He'd gladly go numb
For a free trip to the new Cuban Nation.
The poet comments, "I just can't see Clinton getting along with someone whose name is so
close to Fidelity."
"My Heart Will Go On" - Well, on what?
A song of a fag and a slut
While that big boat was sinking
I couldn't help to be thinking
That this movie is numbing my butt.
The poet comments, "I'll bet my butt was number than theirs, even in the freezing water."
Viagra, the little blue pill
When swallowed will give men a thrill
Big deal, so will I
Just suck till I'm dry
And avoid paying the medical bill.
Marty writes 07/16/98
The damn tension was certainly rife
You couldn't cut through with a knife
We felt no elation --
Pre-ejaculation --
So I'm sending him home to his wife.
Sluggo writes 07/15/98
When the lady's away, I must yell
'Cause the rooster wakes up stiff as hell.
And choking that chicken
Is nothing like stickin'
His head in his favorite well.
Deep-Goat writes 07/15/98
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Mounted a young girl in her teens
As he said in confession
"it's a Hanson obsession..."
And I couldn't tell her sex in those jeans!!"
The poet comments, "Never a straight choir master when you need one."
CB (she's back...) writes 07/14/98
The stocky Ird drinks up a storm
So pissing while playing's his norm.
He gets so excited
In conjunctio united
The burly Ird wets the gorm!
Yay!
Squeaky writes 07/14/98
The jury heard Starr and would spurn him,
Bill's freedom, their verdict could earn him.
But the judge overruled,
He was quite highly schooled,
And the judge replied, "Fuck it, Let's burn him!"
Said the hooker to Archbishop Quinn
"I've committed a terrible sin."
He made the concession
To hear her confession
But she hardly knew where to begin.
There once was a fellow named Ellis,
Who, of his wife, was exceedingly jealous.
He had gotten wise
To the six other guys
With whom she was overly zealous.
Squeaky writes 07/14/98
There once was a girl from La Pa
With tits much too big for her bra.
At the sight of her chest,
Most guys will request,
Voule vou coucher avec moi?
The poet comments, "This is you Popsicle!!"
All of India's neighbors are pissing,
They're shocked at the point they keep missing.
They haven't resolved
All the physics involved,
It's their own asses goodbye they'll be kissing.
I heard of a man named Bill
He lives near Capital Hill
He whipped it out
Heard interns shout
Now Starr is out for the kill.
The poet comments, "My favorite of the drivel I've written."
Marty writes 07/13/98
The outhouse on my grampa's farm
With two holes was cozy and warm.
It was there we sat
To visit and shat
And not once did we come to harm.
The poet comments, "There really was a "two-holer" at the farm -- it's still there, but worse for wear."
A nearsighted cleric from Queens
Who like to eat a lot of beans
They caused him to shit and fart
To the cleaners he had to take his jeans
And the farts cause his dog to bark.
The poet comments, "the first one in a long, long time I will do better yet"
Says Clinton "You may be misled
By some of the things you have read.
It was kindly affection
That brought on an erection.
Poor girl! It went straight to her head!
The poet comments, "Monica adds: This whole thing is blown way out of proportion!"
Frank writes 07/12/98
While dining on fine wine and lobster,
A doctor, who 's hardly a mobster,
Was heard to lament,
"After what I've spent,
My daughter was The White House Knobster."
The poet comments, "Will the headlines never cease?"
Gaila Rae writes 07/11/98
Don't you be blue.
You were true.
I slept with another,
And worse, it's your brother.
The fault belongs to me, not to you.
Puff Adder writes 07/11/98
A chauffeur by the name of Runnels
From his anus to his penis had a tunnel
When he stopped to buy gas
He'd shove the hose up his ass
And drop his dick in the tank like a funnel.
Gaila Rae writes 07/11/98
Fred invites you over to watch TV,
But in his apartment there's none to see.
When he tells you that you are the show,
You turn and tell him that you must go.
You're not the tramp he hoped you would be.
The poet comments, "Great page ~ fun stuff ~ thanks for doing all the behind the scenes work!"
It's the least we can do for Art...
Gearhart writes 07/11/98
Viagra, the little blue pill
For it my girlfriend will kill
She had so much fun
When she slipped me one
Now she hides them in all of my meals!
There once was a man from Devizes
Whose son in him always confidzes
(Son) "I can't get an erection"
(Dad) "I've got your correction"
With Viagra, 'The Son Also Rises'
Toast Point is reminded of one of his faves:
A talented maid of Devizes
Had titties of two different sizes.
The left one was small
Almost nothing at all
But the right one was large and won prizes!
Those four little kids from South Park
Like it when Cartmen farts
Flames and gas
Shoot out his ass
And Kenny ignites from the sparks!
Would Clinton submit to castration?
If he felt it would end his frustration
His addiction you know
Is to fellatio
I bet first he'd try masturbation!
There was an old roue named Clyde
Who took an eighteen year old as a bride.
They took the old lecher
Out on a stretcher
As he left he was smiling with pride.
Old Fart shares a classic 07/11/98
There was a young nympho named Alice,
She used a dynamite stick for a phallus,
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And her asshole by Buckingham Palace!
The poet comments, "Not original, but one of my all time favorites!"
"He's dead Jim" said Dr. McCoy.
"I think from his look of joy,
It was another case
Of a breast in the face -
Uhura has smothered the boy!"
The poet comments, " hopefully that one doesn't need the universal translator."
Puff Adder writes 07/10/98
There once was a man from Tangiers
Who stayed celibate 45 years.
Once in a brawl
He got kicked in the balls
And jissum shot out of his ears!
Gearhart writes 07/10/98
What's In A Name
Ever met Oliver Clozoff
Or Haywood Jablome, the slough
Or his friend Ben Dover
Or Neil Down from over
On front street beside Jack Mehoff
Seymour Butz is his next door neighbor
He lives with Fonda Dix in a trailer
Across from Jack Schitt
And his live-in Mike Litt
And their two dogs Stay and Laythere
Oliver's friend Willie Jabber
Is in love with Wanda Grabber
Their marriage is set
To be performed by Juan Tibet,
Music by pianist Dick Schlobber.
She screamed as he opened the door
Shaking from orgasm on the tile floor
And the guy she screwed
Who was totally nude
Just got ready to mount her once more.
Marty writes 07/09/98
There once was an old insomniac
Who wished that he'd taken a whack
At his neighbor's daughter.
If he could've caught her
He would've stuck his tongue in her crack.
Gearhart writes 07/09/98
I went to see Dr. Dallas
To check on the state of my phallus
"Just a quick question, Doc.
If this Dick Trickle don't stop
Will I end up with a Rusty Wallace?"
The poet comments, "My apologies to NASCAR fans everywhere."
I like to play vith my glocken-spiel
It alvays geevs me a focken-thriel
I bang it und bong it
Und at times ting-tong it
I like zee vay my glockens-fiel!
I've done it--what a sensation!
The perfect lim'rical creation
Painstakingly slow
The making did go
Now my toilet needs resuscitation!
The poet comments, "Maybe not naughty enough for this forum."
My friend named his prick Rick
That's short for Richard D. Dick
A bright colored condom
Was all that donned 'im
When arrested for exposed 'Lime-Rick'\
I knew a girl from Tucson
Who liked to fuck with her shoes on
She had a list that
She used to keep track
Of all those she'd had on her futon.
I like to go traveling each year
To places both far and near
This summer I'll be bumming
'Round a town called Cumming
The girls are ac-CUM-odating, I hear.
The poet comments, "Cumming is a small town in Iowa."
Here I sit in my palacial estate
Watching my funds disipate
She spends and she spends
Like my funds have no end
--At least her fellatio's great!
The bishop - an actress related -
Was seen to be flushed and elated.
When asked why it was
He said, "It's because
The bishopric's just been fellated."
Popsicle writes 07/09/98
There once was a man named Slick Willy
Who tried to make love to each filly.
He took every chance
To drop down his pants
And show off his left hooking dilly.
H writes 07/09/98
"It's dead, Jim" said Dr. McCoy.
"Allergic to Earth jizz, my boy.
See how its butt
Is swollen tight shut?
Don latex before you deploy!”
The poet comments, "You asked for it, TP."
Meg
And old fisherwoman called Meg
Had only one eye and one leg.
The big un’s she’d catch
In batch after batch
By hanging trot-lines from her peg.
She fueled her cook-fires with old dross
And smoked all her catch with green moss.
She never would baste -
She’d say quite straight-faced,
“A trolling crone slathers no sauce.”
If you're speaking in "Clintonese"
Words twist and turn in the breeze
You never say die
If caught in a lie
Just piss off the Taiwanese!
The poet comments, "TP have a great vacation!"
Thank you!
H writes 07/09/98
There was an old leper with grippe,
Whose cock had a boil on the tip.
The rats bearing plague
Would chew off a leg
Whenever they stepped in his drip.
The poet comments, "Inspired by the banned 'Green Meat'."
COZ writes 07/08/98
I heard someone calling "Hey Mr.!"
"What did you do to my Sr.?"
"She's a fine looking wench,
"But she doubted I'm French"
"So to prove it I grabbed her and Kr."
The poet comments, "Something a little different for you."
"It's dead, Jim." said Dr. McCoy
"But I can't tell if it's girl or it's boy."
Kirk zipped up and said,
"Well it sure gave great head."
"Even Spock can't bring me more joy."
The poet comments, "This is in response to your challenge from Barticus's Star Trek limerick."
Goofing writes 07/08/98
I'm a connoisseur of sweet lasses,
Fine women of all different classes.
When I kiss them 'there'
I ask them, "Take care;
Don't cross your legs, I wear glasses."
The poet comments, "A variation on a bawdy song."
I dated a woman named Brady,
We necked in an orchard quite shady.
When she moved her hips,
And said, "Kiss my lips"
I thought I kissed the bearded lady.
The poet comments, "I may need glasses."
Frank writes 07/08/98
Tofu, it is said, comes from soy,
But I think it's really a ploy
To pass off that crap
Without a big flap.
(it's 'neath the foreskin of a goy)
The poet comments, "Apologies in advance... no offense intended."
So tofu cheese is really fromunda cheese?
Nosmo King writes 07/08/98
A South Park kid named Kyle
His fucked up antics create a smile
If he only knew, why the creator
Made him a jew
Maybe he wouldnt be so vile.
Jane, I think that you have self-restraint,
But I must state a tiny complaint:
Your undies have locks,
And they ARE stumbling blocks,
So, forget that you're almost a saint.
Two saints, labelled John and Monique,
Went up into space for a week.
They went straight to Mars
Living nude in some jars,
And, though nude, they just won't take a peek.
There was an old mohel named Stiers
Who often drank too many beers
When his botched incision
Required revision
He cleaned up with old pinking shears.
The poet comments, "(c)1998 Bob Moers There was an old joke about the definition of a
Fancy Dan being a guy who was circumcised with the aforementioned tool."
My uncle's a jerk, says his wife,
With his head up his ass all his life.
While I'm clutching at straws,
Do you think this might cause
A quite shitty outlook on life?
The poet comments, "Can anyone suggest where I might place a classified ad concerning my limerick booklets? Thanks."
Barticus writes 07/05/98
James T. Kirk was a captain in space
He liked girls not of his race
Kirk didn't care
What parts they had where
As long as they sat on his face!
The poet comments, "Star Trek just begs to have limericks written for it."
Toast Point agrees, and offers the contestants a challenge - write a limerick starting with:
"It's dead, Jim" said Dr. McCoy.
There once was a drunk lad called Marvin
Who thought his big dick was for carvin'.
He tried to cut slices
Of 'turkey with spices'
And left all his dining guests starvin'.
There once was a loner called Todd
Who knew not he smelt like a cod.
He went out with Pat
To bang on some fat
But she ran from his stinky-poo rod.
The Internet's said to be sourceless
CNN ain't exactly remorseless
A Tailwind of gasses
Blew right up their asses
Big Story now just so much horse mess!
Slick Willy, at golfing's a klutz
His short game is driving him nuts.
He's not very old
But he's often been told
That there's something wrong with his putz.
Popsicle shares a classic 07/03/98
The model mounted the ladder
As Titian, the painter, had bade her.
The position, to Titian,
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.
There once was a maid from Asbisquith
Who took some corn to the mill to make grist with.
But the miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the things that they pissed with.
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Both concave and convex
It would fit either sex
But was it a bastard to clean!
There was a young fellow named Phil
Who invented a male birth control pill.
He said,"Here's what you do.
Put a small stone in your shoe.
If that don't make you limp, nothing will."
A very large girl called Nadine
Who was also from dear old Racine
Her butt was so chubby
She could not find a hubby.
So she used the famous fucking machine.
If philosophy teaches one thing,
It's that people should do their own thing.
If you run out of gas
Just forget that young lass,
And don't get your ass in a sling.
The poet comments, "Once a limerick is sent, is there any way to correct a typo? Or will Sage handle it?"
Toast Point will edit typos if he notices them. If he doesn't notice them (not unheard-of),
send him an e-mail and he'll fix it.
There was a young lady named Schmitz
Who wanted to augment her tits
Her boobs were so loaded
The left one exploded
And the right one pops out when she sits.
There was an old lecher named Boone
Who took his Viagra too soon.
The hooker was late
For their mid-morning date.
And didn't get there till past noon.
The poet comments, "I thought this one up while taking a shower."
Squeaky shares a classic 07/02/98
Of anatomy, this guy is no dunce.
Knows all there's to know about cunts.
"Do you know why", the man quips,
"Girls have two sets of lips?"
"So they can keep pissing and moaning at once."
Squeaky writes 07/02/98
An old impotent fellow from Borth,
Took Viagra, as his doctor set forth.
When his iron was blended,
Not quite recommended,
His erection would turn and point North.
To describe the distaste that they foster,
Just take a look at their personnel roster.
The First Lady, to wit,
She ain't worth a good shit,
And as President, Bill's indeed an imposter.
Hillary's internet guru, named Tom,
Dropped an outrageous political bomb.
Trying to make his best guess,
At her E-mail address,
He suggested: hillary.homely.com
If you're going to commit "Arkancide"
Rules suck-but you must abide-
Fear a subpoena
Dig deep in Mena
Or crap out on places to hide!
The poet comments, "I'm old enough to remember when "cutting a rug" meant partying-not transportation."
H writes a letter to Toast Point 7/1
Re "felch"
Only if it strikes your fancy, please ask around Frisco for me and find
the most widely used terms for:
1. Vaginal insertion of live animals in general, or specific animals in
particular.
2. Anything else unusual that people and/or animals include in their sex
acts that has a concise catchy term like felch.
I will return the favor with my best effort.
Toast Point lives in New York, not Frisco, but we have our own proclivities here.
"Felching", to Toast Point, refers to the practice of sucking ejaculate from the
orifice into which it was deposited and then (presumably) swallowing it. As for
live animals, Toast Point doesn't know of a specific term for it. However, he is
welcoming suggestions, including for the
other unusual acts H is requesting.
Here's one based on an old obscure English term:
The sootikin looks like a mouse,
Something you’d see ‘round the house.
Grannie’s fell loose,
And uncorked a sluice.
The cat, pouncing, got him a douse.
Here's one containing jailhouse and sailor lingo:
The Brig:
A mate with a bad case of “trunk”
Would hang from the side of his bunk.
Squids filled him with rum,
And sipped hookah-bum.
He’d toss salad ‘till they were drunk.
I hope I haven't sent this one before:
The Glass Eye:
Sir Stan had a cozy high-rise.
On Friday a rain was surmised.
He raised the sash and
He stuck out his hand -
Ker-plop! An eye-ball from the skies!
Looking up high whence it came,
He spied a sweet one-eyed young dame.
She said “My dear man,
Come up if you can,
And join me for drinks and a game.”
Soon, with her orb re-affixed,
A strong margarita she mixed.
One thing led to -
Another thing grew -
And soon they had no clothes betwixt.
He wondered aloud with a sigh,
“Have others beheld this fine thigh?”
She said “No, dear Stan,
Not any man,
Only those who catch my eye.”
A well endowed fellow named Melvin
Had a date with Georgina Spelvin.
She wasn't so tight
But try as he might
He couldn't get his whole twelve in.
There was a mortician named Dauphin
Who preferred to sleep in a coffin.
It was there that he tried
To make love to his bride
And he did, but not very often.
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by Martin Wellborn
Said the kind madam, "Now don't you fret it.
My girls never care how they get it.
They'll be happy to screw
Any way you want to."
"No they won't, 'cause I want it on credit."
by A. N. Wilkins
A Japanese pilot gained fame
As the last Kamikaze, a claim
Few historians doubt,
For they note that the lout
Was one Chicken Suzuki by name.
by Jim Menger
A homosexual guy named Ambrose
Picks up fellow in bars where he goes.
They get into a fight
But it turns out all right--
They go to the john and trade blows.
by Bob Giandomenico
Fat fellating florist, Fran Florgans,
Firms phalluses flintlike as gorgons.
Though her roses fat Fran knows
Fare well on pianos,
Frans tulips fare best on fine organs.
by Jim Menger
Adam wanted us all to believe,
Original sin he didn't conceive;
So when the time came,
To apportion the blame,
Just like a man, he blamed Eve.
by Bob Giandomenico
Catherine, her passion so stirrable,
Sought Ivan to make it transferable.
After, in a pleased state,
He said, "Catherine, you're great."
She sneered and said, "Ivan, you're terrible."
by Theo M. Heller
Said the gay Czar as he brushed a curl away,
"I like boys, so I run every girl away.
Yet my children are strange,
They're at home on the range,
Out of Catherine, sired by Whirlaway."
by Marjorie Jensen
A disgusting parasite without class,
The annoying flea's without surpass.
While gorging on blood,
She lays eggs on your rug
And then hangs around the cat's ass.
by Theo M. Heller
The giraffe, eating out of a tree,
Told the animals, "Get lost, can't you see.
My feature attraction
That gets all the action:
The highballs are always on me."
by Bob Giandomenico
Across burning sands camels pack--
These strange "ships of the desert" will track.
They have been rightly billed
For they often are filled
With semen, they say, from Iraq.
by Nancy Henry-Kline
Chloe the camel was grumpy,
'Cause her back was becoming lumpy.
Chloe's diagnosis
Was osteoporosis;
She was getting a dowager's humpy.
by Don Moore
A nearsighted drunkard named Dan
Found a church in his search for the can.
The priest in confession
Heard this indiscretion:
"Any paper on your side, old man?"
by Laurence Perrine
There was a priest under the sun
Who'd lived his whole life with a nun.
When asked of his sins,
He stifled his grins
And announced that he had had nun.
by Edwardian Leer
There was an old person of Rhodes,
Who greatly obsessed with young toads.
He paid several cousins
To catch them by dozens
For unspeakable acts in commodes!
by Edwardian Leer
There was an old person of Dover
Who rushed through a field of blue clover;
But some very large bees
Stung his elbows and knees.
His missionary days are all over.
by Edwardian Leer
There was a young lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook,
She exclaimed, "Only Look!
It's just like those things on the males!"
by Arthur Deex
A bimbo imbibing a beverage
Leaned out a train window for leverage.
When the OR team quit,
She had only one tit,
Which for Homo sapiens is the average.
by Vassar W. Smith
A young ornithologist's curse
Was a lust quite depraved and perverse.
His desires, so they say,
To indulge in "fowl play"
More than once took a tern for the worse.
by A. N. Wilkins
Since most teens despise condoms, the crew
At Trojan will try one that's new.
To provide an excuse
For its regular use,
It belts out hard rock while they screw.
by Don Moore
An insatiable nympho in Rome
Built a gadget to use in her home;
A steam-driven dildo,
That can dish out her fill, though
It used enough coal to heat Nome.
by Phil Cannibal
A snatch-licking fellow named Phlugge,
Tried licking while high on a drug.
He complained it was dry.
Said his girl, "I know why--
You bastard, you're licking the rug!"
by Jim Menger
A delinquent with dyslexia severe,
Scrawled graffiti on walls far and near,
Such as "Sick my duck,"
And also "Fou Yuck"
Plus other scrawls equally queer.
by Wanda Cunningham
There was a Levine from New York,
Who loved ham and sausage and pork.
He knew that he shouldn't,
But quit it, he couldn't,
So he changed his last named to O'Rourke.
by Aurdry Conklin
There was a young lady named Heather,
Who golfed in all kinds of weather.
She teed off one morn,
In an electrical storm,
Now they're trying to put Heather together.
by Con Moore
At the sperm bank, turnout was light,
So the manager said, "This ain't right!
We'll run ads on TV
And these peckers can see
Our new slot for deposits at night."
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