The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Squeaky-Clean Entries from September, 1997

Few and Far Between

Professor M-G writes 09/30/97

October, October, October
That great arboreal disrober
Trees are dressed, lush in hue
Till the wind rustles through
Leaving all of them naked and sober.

The poet comments, "How did you like my pun? ... no, please, don't want to hear any booze!"

Al Willis writes 09/30/97

The golfer, with tears in his eyes,
Had bowed as the hearse drove on by.
Then, he finished the game
And he said, "It's a shame
Such a wife had to die, my oh my."

DButt writes 09/30/97

Eek! All these holidays coming!
Maid milking &drummers a drumming!
The chestnuts for roasting
And champagne for toasting
And silly songs we will be humming!

Buck writes 09/30/97

A vampire, who, sadly, wore braces
Was met with the worst of disgraces
While biting his victim
She hauled off and kicked him
Now his teeth are all over the places!

Stiffy Joe writes 09/30/97

A blending of four different cheeses
Caressed by the cool mountain breezes
Commercials are sod
and Money is God
Honk if you want to know Jesus

Mind Crippler writes 09/28/97

There is some advice
But there is a price
Listen well
And don't dwell
And roll the two dice.

The poet comments, "Oh...no...not a nice one by me....check the others....they're more suitable..."

The others the poet refers to are in the Naughty section.

Linzie He writes 09/28/97

There once was a guy named Kyle,
Who always loved to smile.
He went to the fair,
Tripped over a bear,
Now there's a lawsuit file!

The poet comments, "I'm 13 years old!!! What do you win?"

A gold star!

I know a Prince named Will,
Whose mother has been killed.
Oh, he loved her so,
And with tears he showed,
How truly her love was real.

Gold Star! There once was a little creature,
Who had an unusual feature.
He flew here from Mars,
To raid all the bars,
Then he got spanked by his teacher!

I know a Prince named Will,
Who took a sleeping pill.
He griped out his dad,
For being so bad,
Now he's about to kill.

Al Willis writes 09/27/97

Connie Chung was defined as a witch,
When she caused Gingrich's Mom to say "bitch."
But why all the fuss?
It's only a cuss.
It's like saying that Feller could pitch.

The poet comments, "Anyone remember Bob Feller?"

An amateur writer named Reese
Composed an original piece:
"Hailstones from above
Remind me of
When maggots are fried in hot grease."

Professor M-G writes 09/26/97

A vampire, who, sadly, wore toupees
Pleaded guilty to indecent foreplays ...
If he'd only worn braces
To blunt dental spaces
He might have no cause to fear jail days!

Gold Star! In Bologna, how times have a-changed ...
Rock 'n' roll and the Pope aren't estranged
'Cos Bob Dylan will rock
For the men of the frock
At a concert the Pope has arranged!

Dave Shmave writes 09/25/97

There once was a lassie from Glasgow,
Whose Mum said "Don't let your ass go.
With hips forty-three
Your life it will be
A bummer, as far as the lads go."

Haley writes 09/25/97

A day is left of my mourning
Cuz eventually, my bro will stop snoring
I took out a feather and tickled his nose
And from there on you know how it goes
Especially with whipped cream.

The poet comments, "I know... can we get any cornier?"

Or farther away from rhyming?

Professor M-G writes 09/25/97

Can we get through one more Thanksgiving?
There are precious few nuggets, on sieving
How my plate looks so bare
With no turkey to share ...
It's the price of vegetarian living!

Did a TV sportscaster called Marv
Feel so peckish, he thought he might starve?
'Twas much more than a peck
His bird felt on her neck ...
But in court she's no bird-you-can-carve!

The leaves crunching under my feet
Tell me Toast Point was popped at low heat
Many happy returns
Hope your toast never burns
Many happy returns, I repeat!

Thank you! The Wumpus gave me a wonderful birthday!

Al Willis writes 09/25/97

Those aliens are just a bit weird.
But don't be alarmed or afeared.
They say "nud-nez"
And "scrat-a-thez"
And "thrunkel-ded", "soppy", and "freird."

The poet comments, "Rhyming made easy!"

Toast Point tsks.

Scientology, try to avoid.
My cousin belongs, name of Floyd.
His brain is like putty;
He talks kind of nutty,
And he's hydrocephaloid!

The poet comments, "water on the brain"

Professor M-G writes 09/24/97

If in traffic I'm stuck, on the road,
I see guys lose their patience a load
But while they blow their stacks
I just calmly relax
And I think up another bad ode!

Mr M writes 09/22/97

There was a girl named Jean
Whose nose turned bogey green
A flu she'd caught,
Or so she thought,
But it was gangorine!

Yen, in non-rhyming mode, writes 09/22/97

It's summer - the Beach Boys are surfing
Ha! They fell off their board
Oh no, the fat one's drowning...
And another one is going down as well
Quick Pamela Lee! Inflate your breasts!

Buck writes 09/22/97

While sipping a strawberry daquiri
An obstinate fellow named Zachary
Noticed a flaw
In the side of the straw
So he sent it back to the factory.

The poet comments, "You didn't give us much to work with here!!!"

Sigh - time for new first lines, I guess...

Gold Star! A bombastic movie - Con Air
No other film can compare
It's quite good, albeit
I've yet to go see it
Perhaps my review is unfair?

Professor M-G writes 09/22/97

Microsoft's founder, Bill Gates
Has thirty-eight billions, Forbes states,
With huge millions to spare
Even employees share ...
Could the road ahead yield some rebates?

Professor M-G writes 09/19/97

A cockroach who left a deposit
Had just vanished into the closet
But it later emerged
And was summarily purged ...
Well, that was the same one, right? ... or was it?

The poet comments, "How would you ever guess I live in Florida?"

While sipping a strawberry daquiri
An astronomer rewrote cosmic theory
To make the red shift more pink
And a pulsar go "clink"
And explain why stars sometimes look bleary

The Mental Messiah writes 09/17/97

Tennis? No, not in this dress!
It pains me to run, I confess
But, the fact of the matter
Is that my butt has got fatter
So instead, I think I'll play chess!

The poet comments, "Can I have a dollar?"

No, but here's some gold.

Al Willis writes 09/17/97

"Let's get married," I said to my honey.
"Love's more important than money.
I believe Santa Claus
And the Wizard of Oz.
I believe in the Easter Bunny!

"I do love you; I love you beaucoups.
If you marry me, come to Peru.
I have lots of dough
And a home in Bordeaux."
"I do, yes, I do, yes, I do!"

Professor M-G writes 09/17/97

An old guy called Saddam Hussein
Swam the Tigris three times without pain
To prove fitness to rule ...
If he used his own pool
All his guards wouldn't fit in one lane!

Rebecca Lyn writes 09/16/97

Tennis? No, not in this dress!
I'd end up as a really big mess!
I'd rather not look worse,
So I'll change all my clothes first,
So my dress won't be worth any less!

The poet comments, "Just a dumb old limerick! Hope you like it. :)"

Buck writes 09/16/97

There once was a fellow named Robby
Who wandered throughout the Mohabe
The plain, simple fact is
He liked to eat cactus
A strange and unusual hobby!

A fellow named Mr. McGraw
Whose sense of direction was flawed
Got terribly lost in
The city of Bostin
While driving around in his "cah"

A lady who came from Alberta
Was wanted on three counts of murda'
It seems that her breath
Was the main cause of death.
The weirdest thing I ever hearda'

Adi Parker writes 09/15/97

There once was a girl named Adi the Freak
One day she decided to explore a creek
Since she was accident prone
She hit her head on a stone
And she lost the ability to speak!

Al Willis writes 09/15/97

I think you're a quite lovely lady,
And I think that I love you, dear Sadie.
If you marry me now,
And help pull the plow,
We can sell our old ox; what say, matey?

The poet comments, "Pentatette's next theme is Proposal of Marriage. Hence, this."

Professor M-G writes 09/14/97

Aren't dog owners tiresome to know
When the've just let their rottweiler go?
They're heard glibly to quote
As it leaps for your throat
"Don't fret, my dog won't hurt you!" ... Ho, ho

Ms.P writes a bunch 09/13/97

It began in the days of old.
When they surpassed the Silver and Gold.
A lot of giving and taking.
Seventy years in the making.
A marriage to have and to hold!

The poet comments, "Happy 70th Anniversary to Mr. and Mrs. F.N. Putnam"

Toast Point sighs, wondering how he and Wumpus have made it past two years with such bliss...

"I think I can", said the train.
Where there is pain, there is gain.
Rambunctious at two.
Not much we can do.
Except ride the storm through the rain!

The poet comments, "This is about my wonderful 2 year old son. I just had to sum it up!"

To quit, I know you can do it.
And I'm glad you're gettin' around to it.
I'm not saying it's easy.
Ain't saying it's breezy.
But just get you some gum and chew it!

The poet comments, "A light hearted message to my brother who was trying to quit smoking. These words were not much help!"

I married a man with a mother
Who continuously laughs like no other.
With a laugh all her own.
I thought she was alone.
Until I met the daughter of her brother!

The poet comments, "A true story!"

Once upon a time there lived a fairy.
For it was you, in flight she had to carry.
It seemed like a dream,
In a bowl of ice cream
When we realized that you were the cherry!

The poet comments, "My 4 year old daughter's birthday card."

Gold Star! There lived a family of four.
Who wanted to add one more.
And oh what a face
On sweet Mary Grace!
Now there are three to adore!

The poet comments, "Congratulations on the birth of Mary Grace."

Come to Mrs. P for all your greeting-card needs.

To 'The Valley' from the 'stix' we traveled.
Leaving on a road all graveled.
"See ya until"-
"Goodbye roadkill"!
I said as the map was unraveled.

The poet comments, "Can you tell that I was ready to move?"

There lives a family, Owen is their name.
They came to The Valley with an aim.
With lots of Mexicans in the town
it's a hot place "way down".
Where the meaning of "chilly" is just not the same!

The poet comments, "Christmas card. "Oh the weather outside is frightful!""

There once was a man in Virginner.
Who went to college to become a sinner.
He was so good at the act
that his grades were intact.
So to celebrate he drank like a winner!

There once lived a dog named Ptolemy.
When he shed, he shed on all of me.
There was hair in the air!
And hair everywhere!
And mother would shout, "Get out, by gollemy Ptolemy!"

The poet comments, "About a dog from our past."

When leaving a mark of scent.
All dogs knew what it meant.
Stay away!
Or else you'll pay!
For your life will be wastefully spent!

The poet comments, "In memory of a territorial boxer named Zach."

Gold Star! I think to myself as I sit.
It's been ages since we've chat or we've chit.
Your face is a blur.
Mine too, I'm sure.
So I decided it was time that we writ!

The poet comments, "Missing an old friend."

He worked with the language of sign.
This much missed friend of mine.
He moved out West,
To conquer a quest.
It was my prayer that he would be just fine.

The poet comments, "In loving memory to my friend who died of aids. "

LoandBhold writes 09/12/97

It's fall again, the swimmers have quit
Except those die hards with true grit
Who'll be out there right through
The time they turn royal blue
Hope they're not beyond the first aid kit bit!

The poet comments, "Be a peach at the beach, but know when to quit
Cold does in the fuzz, and leaves only the pit!"

Buck writes 09/12/97

This Toast Point Limerick page
Is Fantastic - it's all the rage
You need no education
For fast navigation
It was clearly designed by a sage!

The poet comments, "Any brownie points for this one???"

Absolutely. Suck-up...

I'm a limerick writer by trade.
But sadly I never get paid.
So, laugh of you wanna
Just give me the honor
Of the prestigious "Golden Star" grade.

When the voters return to their booths
Will they think Paula's telling the truth?
Willy's out either way
So, while lisping, I'll say
Who cares, what does he have to looth!

Al Willis writes 09/11/97

You must get it up, to begin.
Or else, you will not get it in.
Here, I'll show you how,
If you will allow.
Keep your head down and aim for the pin.

The poet comments, "What game did you think it was?"

Al Willis writes 09/11/97

My kyboard has one missing ky.
I couldn't car lss, as you'll s .
But why should I grip ?
As long as I typ
A po m that rhym s to a "t"?

The poet comments, "Try to gu ss which l tt r it is."

Vivid Image writes 09/09/97

Of the things that we see with our real eyes
We will understand one day, and realize
That the fish that we bought
"Was much larger when caught"
Says the fisherman telling his reel lies!

The poet comments, "Cool site. My first attempt. I guess I'm no longer a virgin."

Non-virgins are directed to the naughty section.

Buck writes 09/09/97

Is Paula Jones speaking the truth?
Could Clinton be all that uncouth?
Your thoughts are invited
What gets Bill excited?
Perhaps we should ask Dr. Ruth!

The Beach Boys while surfing this summer
Ran into a terrible bummer
They downloaded "wav"s
But forgot to hit "save".
Could they possibly be any dumber?

Home Run Willy writes 09/09/97

Is Paula Jones speaking the truth?
It puzles the sharpest of sleuths
But her accusations
Beat his reputation
He's seen home base more than Babe Ruth!

Alyson "Aly" Sugarman writes 09/09/97

There once was a girl who fought...
For a limerick to be thought.
She tried day and night,
But lost the fight
So, a "limerick" book she bought!

The poet comments, "Please let me know if you thought this was any good at all. I think it was.....I can handle it. Thanks...and HAVE A GREAT DAY!"

Well, it's structurally correct, but the content isn't particularly grabbing. There, I said it.

Gold Star! "Tennis? No..not in this dress!"
Said the big, wealthy woman named "Tess".
I'm afraid if I play
I'll get dingy and grey
And I'd much rather eat watercress!

The poet comments, "I know....what am I on...right?"

Actually, we like this one!

Writerman writes 09/08/97

Goodbye to Diana, we will miss you
You were fervent about every issue.
May God open his arms
And treasure your charms
And may each Angel bow down and kiss you.

Amen to that. And look after those poor boys, too.

Jaime-Bug P. writes 09/07/97

A woman came over today,
My Mother-in-law, I should say,
So full of advice,
But none of it nice,
I was glad when she went on her way.

The poet comments, "12 inlaws over to visit all weekend...no greater fun!"

Toast Point commiserates, "Oy".

Adel Vice writes 09/07/97

On TV, I saw "Honest Jack."
With lying that guy had a knack
"It's a low-mileage car;
Two percent APR."
And the best lie of all is "cash back."

The poet comments, "Pentatette's theme is "Truth in Advertising" ."

Al Willis writes 09/06/97

A woman named Peggy Mae Hess
Had a life that was just filled with stress.
She was angry a lot
At the kids she begot.
For short, she was called P. M. S.

Ritchie writes 09/06/97

One great day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced one another
Drew out swords and shot each other
Started their cars and then took flight.

Fishy fishy swim in the brook
Papa catches them on a hook
Mamma fries them in a pan
Baby eats them fast as he can
If I catch fishy will you cook?

Al Willis writes 09/06/97

His mind was a trifle demented.
A spot on his head was indented.
"I was head of my class,"
Said this dumb horse's ass.
Joining Mensa, he misrepresented.

The poet comments, "To Arthur at Pentatette..IT'S A JOKE!"

Jenny writes 09/05/97

Wally Brown had a terrible zit
And squeeze it he did just a bit
So off it did run
To L.A. in the sun
Now on a movie-star's face it does sit!

Frank S Canby writes 09/04/97

A merchant's son from Nachez
Got rid of their business with machez
"You're going too far, son -
What you're doing is arson
but I doubt they ever will cachez!"

A centurian who lived in Colossae
Had a chariot shiny and glossae
When asked why the mess
On the front of his vest
"It came from the back of my hossae"

The poet comments, "That's two. Want some more? I'm full of 'em"

Al Willis writes 09/03/97

As a youngster, the guy would aspire
To finagle and be the best liar.
One day he got caught;
He felt very hot,
And he found that his pants were on fire!

The poet comments, "Welcome home. That tan is becoming...... pale."

Professor M-G writes 09/02/97

If only we scheduled more play
We'd be more productive, I say
'Cos all workers need rest
To perform at their best ...
Shouldn't every month have Labor Day?

Frank writes August 6

A huge, brightly colored balloon
Soared aloft, one would think, for the moon.
To the passenger's fright
The gas failed to light,
And the costly trip ended too soon.

Now they sip at the end of a flight,
Some champagne, a balloonist's delight.
But that little band
Was so happy to land,
They were glad to swig cola that night.

From the author: A Low flying hot air balloon almost landed in my yard, this evening.

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