The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from July, 1997
Few and Far Between
The dog days are here, everywhere
This humidity's pig-hard to bear
You feel sloth on the street
Tryin' to outfox the heat
'Cos your AC can't beetle out there!
A big-nosed Hawaiian young man
Had a shnoz large and flat like a fan
On a windy day he
Held his face to the lee
And his outrigger sailed to Japan!
The poet comments, "if you think that one stunk,
you haven't smelled NOTHIN yet."
an amatuer poet named bob
wrote lim'ricks that almost were great
though his meter was good
and his imagery clear
he was never successful at rhymes
Deeboy writes 07/31/97
He sat on a bar stool a-drinkin'
And of all of his troubles a-thinkin';
The more that he thought
The more booze he bought
And drunk, he did get a-stinkin'.
Could Colorado State University
Have had its library books stored in a worse city?
I hope their admin overlooks
Fines on overdue books
If returned with no trace of immersity!
When lawyers dine out, don't you know,
They have split-fee soup, just for show.
They dazzle their quest,
And I can attest
That the entree is broiled squid pro quo!
The poet comments, "I saw these puns in Readers Digest."
Do the monkeys on Florida's Keys
Overstrip bark from red mangrove trees?
"To find out," thought a judge
"There I'll solemnly trudge" ...
But she sank in mud up to her knees!
The poet comments, " ... at least according to yesterday's Boston Globe"
Can't we ban smokers outside a store
From their lighting up right by the door?
On my way to the car
I inhale so much tar
That I gag for five minutes or more!
On the land, it's as clear as can be,
Do for you, then you must do for me.
In the water are lures,
You watch mine, I'll watch yours.
"Squid pro quo" is the way of the sea.
The poet comments, "Fishies also have to cover each other. Ask the Sturgeon General."
Paul A Jones writes 07/26/97
An entomologist heard, of some flies,
"Not real eclosed, threatening some Thais."
With his nets out, to beat the clock
He flew straight to Bangkok ...
Aw, they slur bad, those Arkansas guys!
The poet comments, "Tried using your Paula Jones first line, but it wouldn't work ..." The
poet also comments, "It's eclosed (emerged from pupa case), not enclosed.
(Think about it ... should have heard "Not really closed, threatening some thighs")"
Toast Point apologizes for his clueless editing.
Now Frank is a guy who can rhyme.
Gold stars will appear in no time.
He can write on the run
And can't be outdone.
That guy is so good it's a crime!
Skippy shares a classic 07/24/97
There once was a man named ROCK
Whose libido was up round the CLOCK!
The women revered him
Though some of them feared him..
Because he has a 13 inch... SCAR down the side of his face.
The poet comments, "Ha.. bet you were about to say that wasnt squeaky clean!"
Oh, ha ha.
Skippy shares a classic 07/24/97
There once was a man from Peru...
Who thought limericks should end on line two.
This is one of Toast Point's favorites. Almost like "I see you shiver with antici........pation!"
The birthday of Rebecca Best
Was a day filled with folly & jest
When the entire bunch
Then took her to lunch
Oh, Rebecca now knew she was blessed!
The poet comments, "Rebecca's birthday is 7/24 so send her a limerick of your own through me. (nice please)"
Apologies to the birthday girl that this didn't get posted 'til the 25th. Toast Point's been a little frazzled lately.
Whyte9ght writes 07/23/97
Tennis? No, not in this dress!
I know that I try to impress -
But playing in skirts and long sleeves
I find it hard to believe
That I don't fall down on my ass!
The poet comments, "I'm writing in English this time."
fr©de writes 07/22/97
He did not go very far
Last night with her in the car
He stopped to unzip
Then helped her to strip
And now went further by far
The poet comments, "-and simple."
A most wanted fugitive, Cunanan
Tries to do everythin' that he's doin' anon
He's so dab at disguise
That the poor FBI's
At a loss to know what to be cluein' in on!
Frank writes 07/21/97
Julie Bryan wrote (tenth of July)
A lim'rick that just made me cry.
At this form, is she new?
Of five lines, she rhymed two!
Perhaps she should have one more try.
The poet comments, "Just an observation offered in jest."
I've submitted a rhyme to Toast Point,
Having just now discovered this joint.
I was sent here by Al,
He's a lim'ricking pal,
Who told where my browser should point!
The poet comments, "With thanks to Al Willis for the tip."
A Russian supply ship, I fear,
Has crippled the space station, Mir.
It bumped into Specter,
And practically wrecked her.
I doubt it will last one more year.
One night, as I gazed at the stars,
I spotted the Red Planet, Mars,
And thought of the rover
Sent to look it over
For water, air, hotels, and bars!
The poet comments, "I can't seen to keep my thoughts Earth-bound, today."
James Stewart was truly a great ham
In so many kinds of film program
But I liked him the most
Playing Harvey's good host ...
An eccentric, but no more than I am!
Maggot writes 07/20/97
There once was a man with a knife
That he used to murder his wife
His motive was plain
It's because he's insane
So they gave him 20 to life!
There once was a girl with a coat
That was made from the fur of a goat.
She would go for a walk
And find someone to stalk,
Then pounce and rip out their throat.
Too many horror movies this weekend, Maggot?
Whyte9ght writes 07/19/97
Jiak kopi and go pak tor
Talk like that in Singapore
England, Hokkien and Malay
Spiak like that at work and play
This is called our Singlish, lor
The poet comments, "Definitions:
-
Jiak kopi : lit. "Eat coffee". Means to have a friendly drink and chat with a friend. Originated from Hokkien. Eg. Want to go jiak kopi?
-
go pak tor: Courting. Eg. My parents pak tor for 7 years before getting married
-
England: Corruption of "English" Eg. You think your England very the good is it?
-
Hokkien: A Chinese dialect from the present day Fujian province in China
-
Malay: A language from South East Asia
-
Spiak: Corruption of "speak"
-
Singlish: The local variety of English. Contraction of "Singapore English"
-
lor: Added to end of sentences to give emphasis
These definitions are my own, and subject to debate. The grammartical forms are true to life and are corrupted, if any one minds.
"
The language that all of us speak
Is English, and it is unique.
For when we read "break,"
We rhyme it with "cake."
I think Mr. Webster's a freak.
The poet comments, "Any English teachers out there?"
All of us, indeed. Non-English speakers, don't bother to flame, unless you do it in a foreign language in limerical form.
An eight-nostrilled man in Cancun
Blows his nose-organ nicely in tune
Till the ragweeds first bloom
When he suffers from rheum
So he plays a mouth-organ in June!
The Mir crew has proved itself able
To crash, and now cut a power cable ...
Is there vodka on board?
If so, how much still stored?
Used as fuel, could it save their space stable?
My favorite game is roulette,
But I lose every time that I bet.
Will you please stop the press!
I have to digress,
Because my sweet baby's all wet.
Is Paula Jones speaking the truth?
Should we hire more than one sleuth?
Was Clinton just smitten
By this sexy kitten?
And will we find out in our youth?
While sipping a strawberry daquiri
I wanted an icy lime daquiri.
It would have been nice
But I ran out of ice.
So I finished my strawberry daquiri.
While sipping a strawberry daquiri
I found myself pond'rin this query.
If I spent my time
Just rhyming this rhyme
Would I finish this strawberry daquiri?
The poet comments, "Help Oh Great Sage! My wife said I must use a different word when rhyming but I told her that cleverness & being pure of spirit could earn a poet a Golden Star!"
Cleverness, yes. Pureness of spirit has no place in a Toast Point contest (see the naughty limericks if you don't believe me).
Margo! writes 07/16/97
There was an old spinster named Harriet
Who could rope anything with her lariat.
She had one final thought ...
As she tossed out the knot ......
Whatever she caught...she would marry it !
Dua writes 07/16/97
Toast Point collects silly lim'ricks
But most of them have to use gimmicks
Their lines do not scan,
So quick as you can
Enter some quality lim'ricks!
The poet comments, "My reaction to the limericks you've posted."
Toast Point always welcomes quality work.
There was an old lady from Sace,
Who kept up a terrible pace.
To get her to stop
They had to air-drop
A billboard in front of her face.
It's cold and dark as night,
Fires heat houses just right
Soft sprinkles of snow,
Sprinkle and glow.
Christmas lights twinkle and shine sweet bright.
It's gonna be a pretty day,
I can almost hear my favorite blue jay.
See the kids run,
Being bathed in the sun.
Soon it will be the beginning of May.
Tennis? No, not in this dress!
My contacts could fall out, I guess....
These high heels won't pack it.....
I've broken my raquet....
So wouldn't you rather play Scrabble?
When I'm buried, for crying out loud,
Don't spend very much; I'm not proud.
Use a white gunnysack,
All front and no back.
They call it a cheap pauper's shroud.
The poet comments, "Too morbid?"
If an agent wants to make a new star,
He has to consider P. R.
He must say she is agin'
And her background is Cajun.
And, to that, I say HARDY-HAR-HAR!
The poet comments, "Do ten people read this? Or 100?"
Heaps.
Most Christians, I believe you'll concede,
Love money and chase it, indeed.
They save it in banks,
Those dollars and Francs,
And they call it the Nicene Greed.
There once was a woman who married.
She thought that she really loved Larry.
But, she soon found out
She wanted no spouse,
She tried to commit hari-kari.
James Stewart was truly a great ham
For Capra, Hitch, Mann - quite an amalgam
In Philadelphia Story, he impressed
But 'twas Harvey I liked best
'Cos he was just as eccentric as I am!
Poet Lariat shares a classic 07/09/97
Gettin' caught sellin' US out to China
Wild Bill Clinton is really a Whina'
Why a Limerick it takes ?
As his finger he shakes...
Could'ae nailed me with just a one Line - eh
Is Paula Jones speaking the truth?
Billy's memory touched by vermouth?
We'll remind the old Gov..
That was Lust, never Love
Willie ever get over his Youth?
The poet comments, "Lots of possibilities on this subject..."
Stargazer writes 07/09/97
Mr. Stewart has managed to score
Though his poem didn't finish its chore.
I like it, however;
It's wistful and clever,
And proves that, at times, Les is more!
A bombastic movie - Con Air
Was bereft of all humor or flair,
But, despite its detractors,
Gave three brainy actors
A rare chance to let down their hair.
About Tyson I don't need to rant any,
And excuses? Don't think that I'll grant any!
I only point out
That the asinine lout
Shares a habit with Shakespeare's Mark Antony.
The poet comments, "('Lend me your ears........')"
You learned quite a lot, mon cher.
Your knowledge is extraordinaire.
At all of those schools,
You were taught by damn fools
If they taught you that pie are square!
Everyone knows that pie are round!
Crispy writes 07/05/97
A Martian inhabitant said,
"A strange thing aroused me from bed,
It clanks and it squeals,
And runs on six wheels,
Has panels instead of a head.
A label was stuck on its back,
Right under a balloon air sac,
It gave an address,
Which said to express,
If found, back to Radio Shack!"
A limerick, I wish I could write.
I could if I were more bright
But you have to rhyme
And try to keep time
And I can't...
The poet comments, "I'm sorry."
The Sage winces. "So close..."
FLLWP shares a classic 07/02/97
When HEAVEN was Women "out-dishin' "...
mine didn't work out - so I'm "wishin' "...
and i say with a grin...
should I try it "agin' "...
cause I'd sure like to do some "KATT-FISHIN' "
She called me last night on the phone...
from her village they call "EL CAHON"...
I delighted to hear her...
and it drew us both nearer..
but the "hang-up" sure left me ALONE!
The 3rd part of this ditty I've written...
As I straddle my drafting stool---smitten...
It is obvious that...
Tho' she calls herself Katt...
well it really turns out... she's a kitten.
So how do I show her that I ...
am an average, well-meaning guy...
this has got to do somethin'...
to get her heart pumpin'....
If it doesn't I'll have to ask WHY?
Well I do tend to just ramble ON...
so I hope you're not wishin' me gone...
and your thanks will increase...
'cause you'll know that at least...
this gives excercise now.....when you YAWN.....
The poet comments, "This was written for me by my friend, my Screen name is "KlasyKatt"
Isn't he wonderful???"
A fool that I know now expects
To marry Marie, who's my ex.
This guy is so dumb,
He cannot chew gum.
He lives in a rented dupe-plex.
The Poet that does not know it! writes 07/02/97
There was a woman in Florida named Liz,
Who;s life was really quite biz,
She hooked up with a friend,
And this wasn't the end,
And now Liz and her friend are in a tiz.
The poet comments, "I wrote this, but it's my almost first limerick."
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