The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from June, 1997
Few and Far Between
For years in a place called Hong Kong
The Brits and Chinese got along
With no real democracy
Until - oh, hypocrisy! -
It was time for Great Britain's swan-song!
There once was a boxer called Tyson
Who, in love or war, wasn't a nice 'un
At the Fight of the Year
He bit Holyfield's ear
So hard, it needs surgical splicin'!
May good verse abound on this URL!
A poem is much like a pearl
It comes from your gut,
It's beautiful, but
A bad one can cause you to hurl!
The people will make hyperlinks
To sites with sweet verses, methinks
May each poem-lover
A treasure discover
And pardon this ode, if it stinks.
Mr Witty writes 06/29/97
Tennis? No, not in this dress!
Said a guy suffering some stress.
Tennis is for girls
I'll just play with my pearls -
If you ask me again, I'll say yes!
The poet comments, "Where are all the Limericks by cross dressers?"
Probably in the naughty section. Everyone who enters that contest is a crossdresser.
Mallik Bulusu writes 06/27/97
"It ain't half bad; but it ain't half good"
For one to live like a dead wood..
But, as it appears to me..
To be or not to be?
Varies as per his mood.
The poet comments, "TTT's comment is very good.....(Limerick too..)"
TP comments that he fixed the reference. Thanks for letting us know.
Hypodermics are not any fun,
Not even if stuck in the bun.
My patience wears thin;
They get under my skin.
I'd rather eat squash with a nun!
The poet comments, "I wish I could find a way to say "broccoli.""
A crashed Russian spaceship called Mir
Will soon be abandoned, I fear
'Cos each new cosmonaut
Was so hurriedly taught
That there's no one aboard who can steer!
Well, it looks like his crash-teaching was successful, actually...
Please Don't Call It 'Frisco... writes 06/25/97
CB found herself quite irate
At Toast's color perception -- not great!
"Our grass isn't brown,"
She scolded, afrown --
"It's Golden, like the Gate and the State!"
The poet comments, "I read your travelogue..."
There should be pictures, soon, too! Not of the brown grass, though (and it was actually sort of an ecru, for you crossword puzzle fans).
Mallik Bulusu writes 06/25/97
At line one of this limerick, I had no clue
What to fill in its line two -
I managed to reach line three
Before line four saw me in smiles and glee
I finished the line five, I swear, it's true....
In Jerusalem there lived a guy called Eric
Who just never cared for any ancient relic
And never praised Gods
Though, at times struggled with odds
Just to prove that he is a maverick.
A gentleman from Duluth
Always spoke truth
So he never got into the claw
Of the American law
Cool, His life went smooth!
At times, to rhyme
Is not a crime
As you are not playing with swords
But for arranging some words
Like LIME, MIME and DIME...
My wedding will be in grand scale.
Invitations are now in the mail.
We have two weeks to wait,
Just me and my mate,
But the cake is getting quite stale!
You think yours is stale, visit Miss Havisham sometime...
If limericks were all that we said,
And limericks were all that we read,
What a world it would be
For people like me
With rhyming entrenched in their head!
My hopeful and humble behest
Please post me right here with the rest
I've polished my rhyming
And metered my timing
I think I can run with the best!
Welcome aboard, Bob!
That James is one hell of a guy
He can look you right square in the eye
And feed you his bull
'Till you're really full
'Cause he's mastered the art of the lie.
Professor M-G writes 06/23/97
There once was a fly on a wall
Whom brave Humpty Dumpty saw fall
Down to save her, he leapt ...
But that leap was inept
'Cos he won't reassemble at all!
TTT writes 06/21/97
There once was a king who was gamblin'
His losses sent him a-ramblin'
He sold his court,
But still came short,
And now he's sushi. (King Salmon)
The poet comments, "It ain't half bad; but it ain't half good."
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 06/20/97
Of restaurents ethnic and foreign,
Chinese just mught be the least borin'.
There's moo goo gai pan
And almond guy dan;
It's food that I can't help adorin'!
J. Patrick Adams writes 06/20/97
A millitant daughter of Muffet
Chose to reclaim the family tuffet
The bold plan of that kid
Was find the arachnid
And catch it and kill it and stuff it!
No zebras did board Noah's ark
Just horses, two white, and two dark
But for forty black nights
There were no bedroom lights
Which caused zebras galore to disbark!
Ever-so-slightly naughty, but we'll let it by...
"I hate those snail darters," I cry.
"And a minnow does not catch my eye.
These wee, tiny fish
Do not make a dish,
And I know there are big fish to fry."
Anonymous writes 06/19/97
These are the Wrights from Kilkenny
From the list, you can see there're not many.
To show my intent
This letter I've sent
To my cousin, who hasn't found any!
Ten eels drinking cocktails, conveys
That they really like these soirees.
They talk and they dance,
And they kindle romance.
And these we call social morays.
The poet comments, "Pentatette published. I got the idea from a cartoon."
Reminds Toast Point of the Christine Lavin song, "Amoeba Hop"
Lo and Behold writes 06/17/97
There was a young? lady from Midwood
Who was quick to double-click when she could
Alas her view, turned profile,
Changed her cyber-junky smile
Ere her Favorite Place be misunderstood
The poet comments, "If you can't call, virus!!"
Megarator writes 06/16/97
The shark, a misunderstood creature,
Is less of a killer, more a teacher.
'Nary a bone in its frame
We should not defame
Its toothy grin in our next creature feature.
The poet comments, "Some eco limerics for you..."
A limerick saga about the Salvage Logging Act
Congress did pass a decree
That said "any sick or dead tree"
Could be chopped with an axe
And bought without tax
By our friends the lumber companies
But now, here's the sinister trick
Who's to decide which tree's sick?
The Forest Service can mark
Whole areas of any park
Without threat from conservationist hicks!
The rights sold on the forest auction block
of value which we can never fully take stock
The highest bidder was free
To log every tree.
Only sick ones? That was all just a crock.
Why would the NFS do this evil deed?
The answer: corruption and greed
since all dollars made
from this unequal trade
the departmental budget would feed.
But why Clinton would sign such a pact
when Gore is known for environmental tact?
makes no sense to me
but now all can see
he is by no means a Green Democrat
We all mourn our heritage lost
And what gain was made for such cost?
Campaign purses were fed
by Special Interests in bed
and the public's best interest got tossed.
Though girls be more socially aesthetic
Though oafish teen boys be pathetic
Though Doc Skuse, to applause,
Claim a chromosome cause ...
Still, I cannot believe it's genetic!
The poet comments, "In last Thursday's issue of the science journal Nature, David H Skuse claimed, in effect, that
girls have greater social cognition than boys because a single X-chromosome gene is switched on
when the gene is passed from father to daughter, but switched off when passed from mother to son.
The report made front-page headlines in the British press, although many experts remain convinced
that nurture, not nature, is responsible for any difference in social skills between boys and girls."
Cyberlim'ricker.calm wrote
A curious silly short note
For reasons unclear
He typed it right here
Just maybe he'll get the best vote!
The poet comments, "Don't forget to read the . in the first line as "dot.""
Toast Point adores self-referential entries.
A very old etymologist from Calcutta,
While making notes from pedantic data,
Set aside his fountain pen,
When instead of `wine & women',
He came across `inebriant & inamorata'.
The poet comments, "Is this a star-worthy limerick ?"
Toast Point likes it, but the Sage fears that too many words don't match the metrical accents.
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 06/13/97
Sir Winston, political star
Could keep secrets, and so he went far.
"I know that loose lips
Can surely sink ships
But they'll never let go my cigar!"
Jeffery J. Cook writes 06/12/97
There was a young girl - call her Lily
She was just a little bit chilly
She sat on a heater
To warm up her seater
And said, "Gee, I look a bit silly".
While in China, my folks were agog,
When they first heard this strange dialog:
"Did you go to the store?"
"No, I'll go about four,
And after, I must wok the dog."
The poet comments, "Was there a winner in the May contest?"
Everyone who gets a gold star is a winner. But really, all poets who submit are winners in their own special way.
Limerick Man writes Beatles limericks 06/12/97
Four more years we are getting from Bill.
After eight years, we should have our fill.
But with lawsuits to handle,
And Whitewater's scandal,
Perhaps there's a Fool On The Hill...
The poet comments, "Just making a little social commentary and incorporating the title
of a Beatles hit in the verse...
As long as I'm at it, I'll provide a few other examples:"
A two-verse limerick
Here's a tale of a couple who met
On a cross-country flight in a jet.
She was gorgeous and single
And she made his heart tingle.
But their lives would be filled with regret...
As the story goes, she was a fighter.
But the D.A. was slow to indict her.
He was torn by his love
And that one bloody glove...
"This is GREAT," said the Paperback Writer!
A successful, young entrepreneur
Saw his chance and was quick to procure
The promotional rights
For hotels and all flights
On the Magical Mystery Tour.
As I hurriedly ate my fajita
And I gulped down an iced margarita,
Against time I was racing
Or a fine I'd be facing
From that meter maid called Lovely Rita.
Even though it's been years you've been gone,
I'm still happy each morning at dawn.
I could hope that you'd call,
But I don't. After all,
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, life goes on...
If you don't have the cash for a car,
But you can buy a Cuban cigar,
If all planes have a star,
And great-grandad's a czar,
You must be Back In The U.S.S.R!
Overseas, transportation's supplied
Oft' by train, and for years they've relied
On the railroads to carry
Those who don't need a ferry.
But you must have a Ticket To Ride.
The crocuses happily blooming
Were all planted in dirt, I'm assuming.
Else they'd never have grown
Where their seeds were all sown
And their ultimate fate would be dooming.
A pastor in need of a lawyer
Was attempting to sue his employer.
But the judge duly warned
That if God became scorned,
He'd be stopped at the Pearly Gate's foyer.
JR writes 06/11/97
A pastor in need of some lawyers
Was arrested for dropping his drawers
His belt then did fail
And down came the hail -
Now his body is covered with sores
The poet comments, "just wrote one in a hurry"
Take note of the colorful carrot
It's as colorful as a parrot
It's as orange as hell
It doesn't ring a bell
But along came a rabbit, and now where are it?
There once was a song group called Hanson
And all the boys in it were handsome
They made up a song
And played it o'er long
And now in the dough they are dancin'!
The poet comments, "my motto:Do it while you still can!"
A snowman named Frosty Van Pelt
Would sleep where and whenever he felt -
One evening, he chose
To curl up on the stove
And it caused the poor moron to melt!
The poet comments, "This one was born out of my eternal disdain for Frosty the Snowman"
There once was a woman from Maine
Who, on her dress found a stain
"Oh my, this is awful"
I think I'll eat a waffle,
And she really had nothing to gain.
I'm classed as an expert logician.
I know physics and also cognition.
I think quite a lot,
But it means diddly-squat.
When push comes to shove, I go fishin'.
The poet comments, "Just kidding. What is logic?"
Lo and Behold writes 06/05/97
Marilyn's lick about a lawyer in the foyer
Is her first try, so she's just a wee bit coyer
When she comes out of her shell
Her lims will ring the bell
As a voyeur. viewing Goya, you'll enjoy her
The poet comments,
"Perhaps a wee bit crude?
Would love to start a feud!"
Shakespeare's Younger Brother writes 06/03/97
The crocuses happily blooming
Mean it's Spring, or so I'm assuming.
With the sun coming out
We can all give a shout
And then stop all this glooming and dooming!
Thunder shares a classic 06/02/97
There once was a boy named Daniel
Who wanted a cocker spaniel
So he took six hops
To seven pet shops
And got him a cocker spaniel.
A pastor in need of a lawyer
Said to his pal, "I'm glad I saw yer.
I need you so much
So lets keep in touch
Especially if a lawyer is in the foyer!
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