The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Squeaky-Clean Entries from February 1997

Few and Far Between

Monique de Plume writes 02/28/97

There once was a boy named Clack
A clone of a guy named Click
They expired in a fire
But surrogates for hire
Cloned Click and his Clack right back!

The poet comments, "Is this sick or what?"

Hee hee. Toast Point is reminded of a song from "Ten Percent Revue", in which a lesbian couple sing of their "turkey baster baby". Whatever works, y'know?

Squeaky writes 02/28/97

Oh, wise Sage, I fear I've made you tearful!
My protest wasn't meant as an earful.
Please forgive me this time
And I'll send you more rhymes;
Plus I'll be most eternally grateful.

The poet comments, ":-)"

Oh, all right...

Half Plume writes 02/28/97

I know I'm a mother adoring
With stories most others find boring,
But if your kids were like mine
Your pride would soon shine
And I'd be the one who was snoring!

I have a kitten named Fizzy
Whose fur is so soft and so frizzy
She's a little bit crazy
And never is lazy
And watching her may make one dizzy!

I have a job in which I must travel
On long roads which are asphalt or gravel
I go a long way
And often I pray
That I won't get slowed down by a gavel.

Kats Klaws shares a classic 02/27/97

T'was a favorite pastime of mine,
A value of pi to assign,
I'll fix it at three,
For it's easier you see,
Than 3.14159!

The poet comments, "This is the easiest way I've found to remember the value of Pi :)"

Hee hee hee!

Half Plume writes 02/27/97

There once was a grandma, so funny
Who had a granddaughter she loved to call 'Honey'
Grandma kept Honey amused
With laughter infused
And she laughed until her eyes were runny!

The poet comments, "I'm the daughter of Monique de Plume, so this is for her. Take that..."

Sassy writes 02/26/97

I once had a goldfish, Rene,
Who was oft the light of my day,
Wasn't it a pity?
When my neighbor's fat kitty,
Dined on my goldfish fillet?

Squeaky writes 02/25/97

Oh, an apple for some may suffice,
But permit me to give my advice:
Just a limerick a day
Keeps the doctor away.
No more pills, no more fruit; you'll save twice!

A milkmaid addressing her cows
Was intent that their style produce "wows!"
But I say, "I'm amazed!
Is this milkmaid just crazed?
Or does everyone now clothe their cows?"

The Sage sniffs tearfully and promises not to edit Squeaky's limericks again.

"Well, perhaps it's your manners, " I said,
That caused us just to WISH you were dead!
Or are all of your kind
Quite so blatantly blind
That you go around stomping on heads!"

The poet comments, "This limerick is an answer to a very good limerick by Agustin Eastwood De Mello."

Gold Star! While browsing for relics historic
A new wife became simply euphoric!
For she'd seen an old vase,
And it lit up her face!
(It was rubber-stamped "genuine Doric")

The poet comments, "Doric 'dor-ik adj. 1: of, relating to, or constituting Doric 2: of, relating to, or characteristic of the Dorians 3: belonging to the oldest and simplest Greek architectural order. (the pun, of course, is that if it was "genuine" it would not be stamped as such with a rubber-stamp)"

Gold Star! "Can YOU get your checkbook to balance?"
Asked a lass with blonde hair from New Palance.
"Why is it every time
I must calculate mine;
Daddy has to send me more allowance?"

Anonymous writes 02/25/97

There was a young girl over seas
Who ran out of water and cheese
Her mom couldn't find her cat
So she asked "where's it at"
The girl smiled and said "pass the salt, please"

There once was a man from Bejing
Who liked marriage, but not wedding rings
He was in a state of dispair
For he loved a girl named Claire
Wo he proposed with an onion ring!

and shares a classic 02/25/97

There once was a man from St. Keeth
Who sat on his pair of false teeth
he jumped up with a start
And said "Lord bless my heart!
I've bitten myself underneath!!"

M. Layne writes 02/24/97

There once was a fellow named James
Who liked to play games with the dames,
But the dames all despised
The games James devised,
And they ended up calling him names.

There was a young fellow named Glen
Who liked it again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again and again.

Monique de Plume writes 02/23/97

There once was a fella named Green
Whose inventions you may not have seen--
'Cause he was undone
And all 'cause of one
Dysfunctional flying machine!

Earl R. Bradley writes 02/23/97

Our leader of State, a far cry
From those who before were so dry.
She stuns all the brass
As she sits on her ass
And shows them her foot-wide thigh.

The poet comments, "This was written in response to a picture on the front page of the Augusta (GA) Chronicle which shows her talking to the President of Italy. It was headed "Diplomacy Abroad". I copied it after I blocked out the "A" and left it "Diplomacy Broad" I then passed it out at a club that I belong to."

His Peace writes 02/22/97

"I hear there's a new kind of Barbie,
Who's got her own apartment and car key
And her own car that she can drive in
And her own boyfriend named Ken!"
"Big Deal! I bet he can't give her a baby!"

Gold Star! Wassup wit all de noise 'bout ebonics
"If it ain't broke, it don't need to be fix
Besides it's only a new language that's been made
And it's not like we're even getting paid--
What we really need's some phat ebonomics!

If you happened to be kicked out of school
'Cos your teachers thought you were a fool
But regardless of your lack of knowledge
You still got into an Ivy League college
Wouldn't you go back and let 'em know that you rule?!

They should really do something 'bout the NBA
'Cos it's really getting boring, I have to say
We all the know that the Chicago Bulls--
With Michael Jordan who definitely rules--
Can win any game they want any and every day!

John Chastaine writes 02/21/97

I went to a computer club SIG.
To my surprise, they were upgrading a pig!
The poor hog was half alive,
They had installed Windows 95,
The new "Office", and a Bill Gates style wig!

Julupa writes 02/21/97

Awarded a star for a limerick,
Got choked up (but I don't know the Heimlich!)
So I get the manoeuvre,
From a woman named Hoover,
Who saves lives with her twist-spit-puke magic.

Gold Star! But her moniker, rhyme as it might,
Harkens ghosts archetypal, a fright
There was J. Edgar brownshirt
And machines sucking down dirt,
From which Hoover'd descended my sprite?

And darest one ask personal questions,
Of one's savior, whose lifesaving lessons,
Came free of genetics,
And if not for phonetics,
Her patronym may have been "Sessions"

Toast Point quotes Sondheim,
"I've gotten through Herbert and J. Edgar Hooooover,
Gee, that was fun and a half -
When you've gotten through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoooover,
Anything else is a laugh!

Bagwan writes 02/20/97

A milkmaid addressing her cows
Gas given to wild, threatening vows
She made them walk over
To a field of fresh clover
By calling them as "ignorant sows".

Trainman writes 02/17/97

Since "Star Wars" again started showin'
Lucasfilm's bottom line has been growin'.
Now, I may be amiss,
But my question is this:
Who's caring for poor Uncle Owen?

Toast Point muses, "Last we saw of Uncle Owen, he was a smoking skeleton. Maybe Luke keeps his bones around in a trunk."

Monique de Plume writes 02/16/97

There once was a fella named Bill
Whose girl was afraid of "The Pill."
He said, "''Twon't make me ecstatic,
But I'm not autocratic--
If you just won't take it, I will!"

The poet comments, "Is this naughty or squeaky clean? What needs diluting most, the spice or the sugar? Whatever!"

Toast Point couldn't tell either, and decided to place it in both sides.

Julupa writes 02/14/97

If the object of rhyming is pleasure,
To the reader out searching for treasure,
And a limerick suffices,
To keep seeker from vices,
Is it classified penance or leisure?

Of course writing in verse such a query,
Poses problems of reference so scary,
That the prospect might stifle,
(Ontological trifle),
Philo-poets with critiques to parry!

Then again, if this ditty gets posted,
On the Web where such babble gets hosted,
Cyber procrastination,
Credit gleans as creation,
"Here's to digital word games", we toasted!

The Sage is awed.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 02/13/97

My boss would often deride as only he can,
"Hey, your limericks simply don't scan",
Would receive over ethernet,
Like most of them, yet,
Would remark "This is out of ether, man!"

Gold Star! Appreciation & Enthusiasm work as a charm,
Together they do wonders with li'l or no harm,
They come in a twin-pack,
Like the pat on the back,
Which gets translated to that shot in the arm.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan shares a classic 02/10/97

The old lion had shown speed and pluck,
But still had been out of luck,
Now smeared with mud, like a fool,
He waited again near the pool,
Wondering "So much for a fast buck!"

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 02/07/97

Robert Singer was a flamboyant V.P,
Who had been invited over to H.P,
His host, on his arrival late,
Said, handing him a plate,
"Hey R.S, you were supposed to R.S.V.P!"

D. Bakes writes 02/07/97

While browsing for relics historic
I found a book of rhetoric
I flipped the pages without fear
Of finding a lick of Shakespeare
But alas, poor me, I found Urich!

The poet comments, "Um, kinda rough, but I'm not used to the squeaky clean stuff yet."

Rockin' Floyd writes 02/06/97

As he droned on Capitol Hill,
We were all distracted from Bill -
The verdict was in!
OJ's guilty as sin...
and he's in the hole for $8 mil!

The Gators haven't had much luck with Bowls
But it was a grudge-match this year 'gainst the 'Noles
That good 'ol boy Bobby
Needs a new hobby
Since we tore his boys some new holes!

Stiffy Joe writes 02/05/97

I'm drunk, yet continue to drink
if I don't, what will everyone think
I will lose their respect
If their booze I reject
I'll just smile and spew in their sink!

The poet comments, "Mister Sage, sir. Please give me feedback even if you don't enter this. Thank you - Stiffy Joe"

The Sage informs SJ that he likes the limerick, although not the subject matter, and that everything gets entered, unless it's completely repulsive.

Mark A. Smeby writes 02/04/97

I bought glasses to put on my face
And it's true that they look out of place
But they help me see better
When I'm writing a letter
Or counting from uno to tres!

The poet comments, "Check out my WebSite at: http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2993"

My wife has reneged on her promise
To take me down south to St. Thomas
We got into a fight
So she booked the next flight
Now she's going with Fernando Lamas!

Enjoying banana-fudge sundaes
Is what I do best on my Mondays
For the rest of the week
I become rather weak
Waiting 'round for the day after Sundays

Gold Star! A milkmaid addressing her cows
Promised each one a series of vows
She said that she'd never
Be ever so clever
As to try and milk one of the sows!

While browsing for relics historic
I experienced a feeling euphoric
It came upon slowly
And made me feel lowly
Viewing relics that were Theodoric

Gold Star! Can you get your checkbook to balance?
Or make curtains including the valance?
Can you sew your own clothes?
Or even blow your own nose?
Do you have any small hidden talents?

DearAbby writes 02/04/97

There was a girl from Timbuktu
Who knew the things she knew
She knew one thing
To cook doughnut rings
But even those were hard to chew!

D-Man writes 02/03/97

There once was a weird man named Sam
Who ate nothing but Apricot jam
'Til he stuck to the floor
And could eat it no more
So he switched over and only ate Spam!

Monique de Plume writes 02/01/97

Do I like those haikus? Oh yes, do I ever!
They just need a thought and some wording that's clever.
They need neither rhythm nor rhyme
They require just a bit of your time.
But give up on limericks forever? No never!

Read the Squeaky-Clean Limericks from last month or next month!
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