The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Squeaky-Clean Entries from January, 1997

Few and Far Between

Web Hack writes 01/27/97

There was a Speaker named Newt
Who wore a nice freshly-pressed suit
He dissed President Bill
On Capitol Hill
So then Clinton gave him the boot!!

The poet comments, "Hi There. %-}"

Hi, Hack!

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/21/97

Heartbreak: Part Deux

Met this lady I had almost wed,
"I had tried" was all she said,
Even to keep in touch,
Was a bit too much,
And some communicate even with the dead!

Agustin Eastwood De Mello writes 01/20/97

A dinosaur stomped into a mall
Where people are tiny and small.
"Now why did you think
I was really extinct?",
The dinosaur asked with a drawl.

The poet comments, "It was a Texas drawl, of course!"

There is a response to this limerick in February's collection.

There once was a funny old whale
Who had a magnificent tail.
A seaport moved out
When the whale came about
And attempted to swim in a pail.

The poet comments, "It was a very small pail, you understand."

Crispy quite elaborately writes 1/16

At the Chino-Latino grillo,
A favorite dish, peccadillo,
Made with salsa and spice,
Accompanyment nice,
For shredded, ant-fed, Armadillo!

The natives all think it quite tasty,
Ere the gringos attempt a bite hasty,
Numb their tongue's papilla,
With swigs of tequilla,
The old Mexicano gourmet's "tea".

It surely will bring out the man,
As fine ethnic flavoring can,
Then, membranes do soothe,
With a dessert smooth,
Car'mallized, caloric, sweet flan.

If your doc hasn't been very shrill-o,
That your lungs have the texture of Brillo,
Your pleasures take doubly,
With a dark De Nobili,
Or for sissies, a thin cigarillo.

and continues with a new word of the day

pi.ca.resque \.pik-*-'resk, .pe--k*-\ aj [Sp picaresco, fr. pi'caro] : of or relating to rogues or rascals; also : of or relating to a type of fiction of Spanish origin dealing with rogues and vagabonds

Picaresque may be rascally or roguey,
Or type of a novel, quite voguey,
A tale of swashbuckeled,
On gunpowder suckled,
Eats peccadillo, smokes evil stogie!

Crispy writes 1/15

Today's special word of the day-o,
Spanish street or passage, paseo,
Not like"out of date",
That passe don't rate,
At least my large Webster's doth say-o!

pa.seo \p*-'sa--(.)o-\ n [Sp] 1a: a leisurely stroll : PROMENADE 1b: a public walk or boulevard 2: a formal entrance march of bullfighters into an arena

Crispy has been writing limericks inspired by the Wordsmith Word of the Day. We thank him for sharing them with us!

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/14/97

Growing up in famine-struck Ethiopia,
He thought of USA as Utopia,
Where everyone has poise,
Everyone has a choice,
And of everything there is a cornucopia!

Da Brat writes 01/14/97

There once was a teacher named Jean.
To her first period class, she was mean
Her egg hadn't hatched -
Her clothes never match -
Who else would wear orange and green?

The poet comments, "This is about a certain chemistry teacher at my school..."

Toast Point shudders, remembering his horrible chemistry teacher.

Laughing Stock writes 01/14/97

A promising poet from Arkansaw
Wrote wonderful verses galas.
His ballads reached quight
An Olimpian hite,
But his spelling had many a flore.

A man
from Japan,
when busy with a limerick's creation,
always goes for the weirdest variation
that he can.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/13/97

On a business trip Charles Fourier
Started winking at his clients in Korea.
They found it bewitching,
But his uncontrollable twitching
Was found to be Huntington's Chorea!

Tweaked...

In Beijing, Tim was the only wolverine,
He had to buy a crate of tangerine -
Struggled with the language,
Finally, drew the fruit on a page,
Fruiterer exclaimed "Aaver lenguage Mandarin!"

The poet comments, "Note: wolverine used as a person belonging to the state of Michigan. In the last line, the fuiter says "Our language Mandarin" The humor is two-ways. one, the fruiterer simply exclaims at the difficulty of the language Mandarin, which forced Tim to the extent of drawing the fruit. The second is the fruiter telling Tim, that in their language, the fruit is called Mandarin."

Monique de Plume writes 01/13/97

My girlfriend Marie just went off and left me
The meanest of cats that you ever did see.
She thought I'd annex it -
Instead I Fed-Ex'd it.
You might say that I'm categorically free!

The poet comments, "Just heard that Fed-Ex will ship animals."

My cousin Joe Flynn, who's from Boston
Went out in his little gray Austin
He started to swerve
Then flew off a curve
And a mountain of snow he was lost in!

I once had a boss named Jim Gannett
Who thought that the moon was a planet.
He smoked a lot, too
'Til the air was blue
Thank God we were able to ban it!

The poet comments, "Name changed to protect the guilty."

Gold Star! As I bent down to tie up my shoe
As I find that I often must do,
I found one sock black -
Alas and alack!
'Cause the other sock surely was blue!

Crispy, inspired by the Word of they Day from Wordsmith, writes 1/12

Now will you just feature that!,
A bird that just loves to combat,
I thought that it meant,
A hat worn by a gent,
Forbidden by a plutocrat!

1. ban.tam \'bant-*m\ n [Bantam, former residency in Java] 1: any of numerous small domestic fowls that are often miniatures of members of the standard breeds 2: a person of diminutive stature and often combative disposition 3: JEEP
2. bantam aj 1: SMALL, DIMINUTIVE 2: pertly combative : SAUCY

Dan'l writes 01/11/97

While watching a pigeon fly by,
I got something white in my eye.
Now I didn't moan,
But said with a groan,
"I'm just glad that milk cows can't fly!"

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/10/97

There was a sailor called Ross,
Who was fitter than anyone else was,
Sailing slim on his boat,
His secret, he would quote,
`A rolling stern gathers no mass.'

The poet comments, "The last line is borrowed, maybe from 'Readers Digest'? I don't remember exactly."

Gale Richard Walker writes 01/10/97

There was a new teacher McTavage,
Whose students' IQs were near savage;
He got up the nerve,
To grade on the curve,
So their scores were all above average!

Crispy writes 1/9

Will you see what gascon really means?,
My understanding wasn't worth beans,
Instead of brag man,
I thought it red can,
That holds English gasolines! [Petrol that is!]

gas.con \'gas-k*n\ n cap 1: a native of Gascony 2: a boastful swaggering person - gascon aj

What profit does a Sybil get?
If men seer all naked, I bet,
As a prophet, not sure,
But for profit , a whore,
Who for cash can just help them forget.

When she's good to delight of the gent,
And makes enough to pay the rent,
Both get satisfaction,
Commercial transaction,
Because lithe body, Sybil lent!

sib.yl or si.byl.lic \'sib-*l\ \s*-'bil-ik\ \'sib-*-.li-n, -.le-n\ n [ME sibile, sybylle, fr. MF & L; MF sibile, fr. L sibylla)] often capX, fr. Gk 1: any of several prophetesses usu. accepted as 10 in number and credited to widely separate parts of the ancient world (as Babylonia, Egypt, Greece, and Italy) 2a: a female prophet 2b: FORTUNETELLER - si.byl.ic aj, 3 a highly-paid TV actress!

Monique de Plume writes 01/08/97

I once knew a girl named Delores
Who really could've used a thesaurus.
Her vocabulary
Was quite stationary
At five thousand words moreorless.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/08/97

The rich and ill industrialist Mr. Raj Gujraal,
Would still wonder, though he was a know-it-all,
`What is the point of having money,
When even in a land of milk & honey,
All I do is worry about fat and cholesterol!'

The poet comments, "Moral: Health is Wealth"

A Message Decoded by Voyager

"Sir, about an earth language, some advice -
This `English' never fails to surprise,
A meteor falls down to earth,
And I just found to my mirth,
The expression 'meteoric rise'!"

The Sage couldn't resist tweaking it just a bit.

A poet who lives in New Joisey writes 01/07/97

My teachers are driving me nuts
Making us all kiss butts -
They dress so horribly tacky
And it drives us all wacky
And we all want to hurl up our guts!

Crispy, your safe-sex limerick was placed in the Naughty section.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/07/97

Ramu argued that 'twas vague and not vagway -
Teacher dismissed it as a slip of his tongway.
When he argued again,
He was stuck by a cane,
And his teacher scolded "Don't argway, you rogway!"

Monique de Plume writes 01/07/97

A burglar named Picklock once made up a list
Of items to pilfer that wouldn't be missed.
A sly little elf
He titled himself
An ""Unauthorized Access Technologist"."

The poet comments, "Last night, my husband and I were discussing concocted job titles. I thought of one for a burglar, and of course, I had to build the house around the doorknob."

Trainman writes 01/07/97

If, to write a good limerick, you yearn
Then from Toast Point's advice you would learn
Of 'The Method': Instead
Of just scratching one's head
To tapping one's foot one should turn!

Exactly!

Laughing Stock writes 01/06/97

Said a dirty old man called Jardine:
"It's very important how you're seen."
So en route to Milly
He washed his... face
And proclaimed: "Now I really am squeaky-clean!"

The poet comments, "And so is the limerick! Or is it?"

The Sage, amused, leaves it in.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/06/97

The detective agency picked him at random,
"Prove Charges", read the issued memorandum,
He worked silent and aloof,
Under the burden of proof,
Until he exclaimed "Quod Erat Demonstrandum!"

Gold Star! Till my last breath I had valiantly fought,
Against sourness and its cruel onslaught,
In my blood I had drowned,
That's how they had found,
Me, a great shred of cabbage in sauerkraut!

The poet comments, "Another example of how an open-minded language evolves, by borrowing words from other languages."

Bob writes 01/03/97

While through life's options, we oft sift
Hoping we might heal human rift,
The birth of a child
To a mother mild
Embodies a most wondrous gift!

Monique de Plume writes 01/03/97

My cousin Hans from Delft
Of fine graces was bereft
He thought, "Does it hurt
If for dessert
I choose the fifth fork on the left?"

The poet comments, "I don't know how wonderful this one is, but as a beginning limerick writer, I'd really like to know the correct format. (Tho I don't promise to stick to it. In the naughty limerick section, Premer wrote a skeleton form. Elsewhere I read that the meter should be anapestic; that is, di-di-dah--two short syllables followed by one long, stressed syllable. The dictionary says a limerick is a short witty poem with the first, second, and fifth lines longer than the third and fourth line. What is the story?)"

The Sage takes a deep breath. "The dictionary is correct, but not specific enough. The meter should be anapestic. The limerick you have submitted is close to correct, although the accents aren't perfect. Try:

My dear cousin Hanna from Delft
Was of truly fine graces bereft
She thought, "Does it hurt
If for my dessert,
I choose the fifth fork on the left?"

Musically, there are some rests between the lines from the 2nd line onward, but those are the optional beats, so that is permissible. And yours gets a gold star because it's clever."

Toast Point, being a musician, wishes once again he could place the limericks on a musical staff to show meter.

Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/02/97

After eating a meal the panda shot the waiter Jeeves,
Before leaving, threw a dictionary, drawn from his sleeves,
To the owner wanting to be paid,
"Look me up" the panda had said,
"Panda" he read " a marsupial, eats shoots and leaves."

The poet comments, "Titled 'Panda in a Restaurant'. An overheard joke `limericized'"

Great joke!

On the poor florist's face, massive worries loomed,
The father of two sons definitely looked doomed.
The cause of his plight,
Were his sons, all right,
For the budding geniuses had turned idiots bloomed.

The poet comments, "plead some concessions on meter for the humor."

The famous adventurist Jacques Cousteau,
Had a penchant for words portmanteau,
Parking his motor near a hotel,
He hit upon the idea of a 'motel',
While filming 'Secrets of the Canal' in Rideau.

The poet comments, "Work of fiction."

Monique de Plume writes 01/01/97

I once knew a student named Sara
As haughty as Scarlett O'Hara
She said, "Pandas are rahr
And duckbills are rahr
And coelecanths even rahra."

Is this Panda month?

and shares and varies a classic

I sat next to the Duchess at tea
It was as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me!

The poet comments, "This one was attributed to Woodrow Wilson. I wrote a similar one next."

I hired a chap from Paree
To work on my memoirs, you see -
But his style was pedantic
With words so gigantic
No one would think it was me!

Gold Star! In the bug versus human war
We draw on a chemical store.
'Cause though we're bigger
You've got to figure
Their number is ten zillion more!

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