"I can't keep a flame on my wick"Said the patient regarding his prick.
"Quick fix my limp dickie -
I'm late for a quickie!"
"Here's tape and a popsicle stick"
The poet comments, "This little gem is from the soon to be published "Limericks around Australia""
Two nudists riding a horse
Knocked over a bottle of sauce.
It splattered their faces
And lodged in rude places,
Now I guess they can't have intercourse!
The poet comments, ""Limericks around Australia" will be available before Christmas. Would you be interested in a copy?"
Toast Point might. If any readers are, e-mail Craig.
A massive thrust to her slit,
"Your titties have cream," said Sir Lancer,
"My hubby agrees," was her answer,
But a medic named Brown,
The new doctor in town,
Said, "I think that likely is cancer."
Connie Lingas is really working hard for the title of "Poster of the Most Disgusting Limericks"
The poet comments, "I really like this one"
The contest has seen many variations of this over the years.
Ewwww!
Before you should venture to shack her,The poet comments, "A message from the AIDS foundation."
The poet comments, "Difficult to match the name with appropriate rhymes....and maintain the subject.....a Challenge....and fun.."
Toast Point is delighted when first lines catch fire. The last really great one was "Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum".
You can read of a fellow named Dave
With a corpse for a sexual slave
You will see lots of shit
Like a girl with one tit
It's a ride for the bold and the brave!
Not on the shores of this beach!
Remember that man from Nantucket?
He saved all his change in a bucket
Then bought a machine
To keep his tool clean
But sometimes he still likes to suck it!
"I can't keep a flame on my wick"
Said the patient regarding his prick.
"Quick fix my limp dickie -
I'm late for a quickie!"
"Here's tape and a popsicle stick"
A lesbian, Ellen DeGenerisThe poet comments, "Whew!"
Says Disney to the Baptist church who
Would boycott them 'cause of loose virtue,
"A lesbian, Ellen
DeGeneris tellin'
The truth of her own life can't hurt you."
The poet comments, "A very tough line to work with!"
And yet you met the challenge!
The poet comments, "Watch out for forgeries."
Those long lovely legs on Ms. Fitz
Pickled pepper picker Peter Piper
Pined to pack his pecker in a porker
He poked a porker's pucker
With his pepper-pickers pecker
Now he's Peter Piper Porker Pucker Poker!
There once was a fella named Ryan
To fuck him the young girls were dying
But he made them all cry
'Cause he passed them all by
'Twas guys that this Ryan was eyeing!
It happens...
Responding to Crazy Legs' question,Fallationic?
"So tell us, does size really matter?"The poet comments, "Optional last line: Though my preferences lean to the latter.""
They're both great!
In the quaint little town of Mt. TroysThe poet comments, "Pentatette has published this one. Fabulous money."
"My vibrator battery's dying!"Toast Point is delighted to see CB back.
Og, your verses and heart both have Merritt,The poet comments, "Let us spray."
The sound of an "n" is in "knife."
It usually causes me strife.
In "pneumonia" it's dumb.
We saw "gnaw", but how come?
In English, this weird stuff is rife.
The poet comments, "You k-now what I mean?"
My vibrator's battery's dying!
"My lord" said the wench to her master
"I'm floored by the stench of your ass, sir!
You've promoted the fart
Into museum art!
It's adored!" said the wench. So he gassed her.
So tell us, does size really matter?
Would you rather it longer, or fatter?
You know one size fits all
When you're having a ball,
So enjoy what I have, and be gladder!
Thank you! I like them too!
The poet comments, "The spirit's friendly but the Willis' tweak"
Are those bountiful mammaries real?
If there's shit on your hat, then declare it.
As for me, I don't think I could bear it.
It was dropped by a foo,
(A big bird at the zoo,)
And if the foo shits you must wear it.
The poet comments, "How does Toast Point prevent duplications of limericks?"
He doesn't (except within the same month). But if it's a dup of someone else's and is claimed as one's own, then obviously it's a "classic" and not an original.
"Big breaths" said the good Doctor Rung.The poet comments, "And those doctors get paid, too."
The poet comments, "Jack is Jack Valenti, head of MPAA and father of the new TV ratings"
A limerick that's penned "squeaky clean"The poet comments, "Naughty, but nice"
While thinking one day on the crapper
Her plan was decidedly simple;
She changed mini-skirt for her wimple.
By showing some leg
There'd be no need to beg;
She'd just smile, so to show off her dimple.
On her first night out, Gertrude met Fred.
He was older, but better than dead.
But he wasn't too rich,
And his eye had a twitch
So he never got into her bed.
Gertrude's failure at first had her grievin'
But she persevered 'til she met Steven.
His hand stroked her breast,
Her crotch he caressed
And she said, "Now you've got me believin'!"
Gertrude said "I want more than just kissing;
I want to know what I've been missing!
I like to get stroked,
But I'd love to get poked!
Don't limit its talents to pissing!"
The poet comments, "A tragic tale from the deli counter of life..."
It began with an offer of candy
There was a young girl from Pitlochry
Who was having a screw in a rockery
She said "Oh! You've come
All over my bum -
This isn't a fuck, its a mockery!
There was an old whore from Uttoxeter
Who now, when anyone mocks at her,
Recalls with a shiver
One day by the river
When twenty young men shook their cocks at her
There was a young lady from Crewe
Who remarked, as the Curate withdrew
"The Vicar was slicker
and thicker and quicker
and three inches longer than you!"
The poet comments, "Ain't physics phun?"
Merritt's rung Writerman's bell--The poet comments, ""Merritt" is Writerman's new love!!!"
Yay, Og! May you be Merrittorious for a long, long time!
The poet comments, "My fave"
The poet comments, "You did say update by June , didn't you? Juan maw day and you can take the fifth!!! "
Bitch and moan...
Are those bountiful mammaries real?The poet comments, "I'll be back!"
The poet comments, "Pentatette's monthly theme was BO."
Toast Point wrinkles his nose. "Ewwww..."
Of all the world's verses recorded,
The ones we've most carefully hoarded
Are the limericks spun
Which prove that the pun
Is mightier, by far, than the sordid.
Through the woods young Red Riding Hood skipped,
Till the wolf in his jaws had her gripped.
"Now I'll fuck you," he said.
"Nothing doing," said Red,
"Just eat me and stick to the script."
There was a young fellow named Deke
Who said, "There is one job I seek.
That's to work in the plants
That produce ladies pants.
I could pull down two hundred a week."
There once was a cuckold named Jack
Whose wife showed in morals a lack.
From a guy in a bar
He once bought a used car
And found her old panties in back.
"Please take off my dress," she begged thickly
And my hose and my garter belt, quickly,
Now my bra and my pants
And for goodness sake, Lance,
Your transvestite habits are sickly.
There was once a disgusting old trollop;
From her nose hung a pendulous polyp;
She had warts on her tits
And a crotch full of zits,
Round her waist, and incarnadine collop. (roll of fat)
You women, I fear it's bad news,
I do not like feminist views;
My ideal for feet
Is a broad who's in heat
And too horny to take off her shoes.
A Sydney man peeped 'twixt her thighs;
"Do I see her black panties?" he cries.
"No bottom is bare --
Perhaps I see hair?"
Alas, in Australia, it's flies.
His hand gave equal time each breast,
His other hand her rear caressed.
But when he felt
Her sanitary belt,
His eagerness grew less and less.
My hand puppet gave me some sass.
"Proctologists like you are crass!"
I replied I was not.
Said the puppet, "You've got
Your whole God-damned hand up my ass!"
What ever you think of the thing,
A bra could be called a tit sling.
These undies, you see,
Just happened to be
Invented by Otto Titzling.
A Puritan Pastor whose life
Was embittered by marital strife,
Said, "I'm down on my luck,
But I don't give a fuck."
"That's exactly the case," cried his wife.
A seclusionist kept in his hut
An old hooker's cadaver to rut.
He said, "Though I'll avow
That she's messy to plow,
The rates for her service are cut."
There once was a hermit named Jack
Who kept a dead tart in his shack.
Said he, "I'll confess
My expenses are less,
But think of the small talk I lack.
A reclusive old fellow named Lovell
Kept the corpse of a slut in his hovel.
He remarked, "I'll concede
That it's partly from greed,
But mainly for want of a shovel."
Another old hermit named Mose,
Was arrested for filthy old clothes.
"They were left at my cave,
By a neighbor named Dave,"
He testified, holding his nose.
There was an old hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead mower in his cave.
Since he can't cut the grass,
Now it's up to his ass.
(His donkey, you censors: behave!)
There once was a hermit named Ted,
Who blew up a girl on his bed.
Now she had just one tit
And her pelvis was split,
But they say she still gave him good head.
There once was a hermit named David,
Who kept a stiff tart in his cave, he did.
He said, "I agree
That it lacks comity,
And it's not, I confess, for the pavid."
(pavid - showing fear, timid)
A lonesome spelunker named Davy
Made a solemn, guilt-ridden peccavi:
My companion, now late,
Was a Hertz Rent-a-date.
But I'm happy, though ranty and ravy.
(peccavi - humble confession)
There once was a woman named Kit
Who kept a dead lover named Brit.
I don't care if he reeks
After all of these weeks,
But I'm madder than Hell that he split!
