Are those bountiful mammaries real?The poet comments, "Only the ripest and juiciest earn our Seal Of Approval. "
While banging this girl that I know
I pulled out with seconds to go
As I came on her ass
I said to the lass
Oh OH! Oh oh OH! Oh oh OH!
A perverted molester named LyleThe poet comments, "Check out Robert Anton Wilson's "Shrodinger's Cat" trilogy for the context in which this limerick was created."
A genetic engineer, name of PickensThe poet comments, "Writerman Remembers 3 Poets of Yore"
Toast Point does, too. Ah, memories...
The poet comments, "I'm just 13 years old"
Toast Point sighs and waits for the "corrupting a minor" charges to roll in.
There once was a mathematician named Hall,
Who had a hexagonal ball,
The cube of its weight,
Times his pecker plus eight,
Is his phone number, give him a call!
The poet comments, "Isn't it a masterpiece! I worked long and hard on this one!"
Yeah, yeah, then why have I read it before?
Mr. Willis says he's just a bit shortThe poet comments, "If you like my limericks, ask about my chapbooks, why dontcha?"
My life has been far from a gem!The poet comments, "Peter's peter petered out before paternity."
Toast Point, who does not usually watch Cartoon Network, has no idea if this is naughty or not.
Toast Point boredly reminds Buckeye that the Man from Nantucket limerick has been seen by everyone in the world and therefore is no longer added to these monthly contests.
Back in the days of old Sodom
A visiting priest name of BlighThe poet comments, "I'm only 16! "
Oh dear, we're corrupting minors now...
No doubt, you may think this absurd,
A whore by the name of Flo TaggartThe Sage, picky about scansion today, changed "streetwalker" to "whore".
The Sage suggests using a differently-accented song title.
"A very large phallus, my preference."The poet comments, "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex - But Were Afraid To Ask, by Dr. David Reuben: The Limerick Version (page 36)"
Here's a question designed to perplex:
She tempted the whole football team.
Her method was kind of extreme.
But none tried to dick her;
They wanted to lick her!
(She painted her snatch with ice-cream.)
Brrrr!
Last summer a diver named Porter
Tooks hundreds of craps underwater.
They affect, to this day,
Every fish in the bay,
Which is why fish don't taste like it ought to.
by Frank Perdue
A man from around Lake Superior
Felt, to fireflies, man was inferior.
So with day-glo paint bright,
And hang gliding at night,
He now flies with a glowing posterior.
by Michael Polo
A beautiful girl is Ms. Kitz
And everyone loves her nice tits.
They're beauties, it's true,
Expensive ones, too...
She bought them at Charles of the Ritz.
by Michael Polo
'Twas not what the doctor first thought.
That unpleasant stuff that she'd caught.
It couldn't have been.
She'd never known men,
And toilets don't harbor that rot.
by Larry Davis
So just what could her problem be?
It hurt her so, taking a pee.
A search of her gear
Soon made the facts clear;
She'd contracted dildo VD.
by Larry Davis
Said the judge when he heard the complaint,
"I've attempted to show some restraint,
But with your ribald tongue
You ought to be hung,"
And the scoundrel asked, "Who says I ain't?"
by A. N. Wilkins
"Make a baby," demanded Miss Lopp;
He quickly obliged -- wham, bam, pop!
"Where's the baby?" said she.
"It takes nine months," said he;
"Then why in the world did you stop?"
by Ed Potts
"Contraception," said Pontiff John Paul,
"Is a sin against God, you'll recall;
Give our pills a fair trial!
Try some SULFADENIAL,
Or if desparate, NOACETOL."
by Ed Potts
And now here's a word from our Savior
Who's gravely concerned with behavior.
Just keep fooling around
And his wrath will astound --
He'll take back all the goodies he gave ya.
by Neal Wilgus
A popular maiden from Twisp,
Had speech both incisive and crisp;
Till her pronunciation,
Through constant fellation,
Became a mellifluous lisp.
by Ed Potts
There was a young singer called Ida
Whose mouth became wider and wider.
One dark Winter's night,
A man with poor sight
Dropped several postcards inside her.
by Rubin
An elegant erudite Yankee
Kept a condom wrapped up in his hankie --
He boyscoutly declared
"I'm always prepared
For sneezes or safe hanky-panky!"
by Johnny Randy
A beautiful girl is Ms. Kitz
And everyone loves her nice tits.
They're beauties, it's true,
Expensive ones, too...
She bought them at Charles of the Ritz.
by Michael Polo
There was an old man from Duluth
Who sought after wisdom and truth.
He searched near and far,
Until at a bar,
He found it in gin and vermouth.
by Alan Cook
A frustrated lady of Berne
Had problems that cause her concern.
She married a Greek
Who male partners did seek,
And she knew not which way she should turn.
by Jeff Purser
Kate the Great, much irate, said, "It's clear,
Court procurer, you've got a bum ear.
I said, 'Bring me a NORSE,'
You dumb twit, not a horse!
Oh, what the hell, long as it's here...."
by Michael Weinstein
Two moments in Captain Hook's past;
Memories which still leave him aghast.
A visit quite vile
From a big crocidile,
And that time he was wiping his ass!
by John Chastaine
The long term UAW plan
Of great benefits for each man,
Has had the direct
And lasting effect
Of moving Detroit to Japan.
(UAW - United Auto Workers)
by N. Wilkins
There once was an Abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the source
Of divine intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever get any."
by Keith H. Peterson
Since the church hired Jane, a temporary,
Her reviews have been rated exemplary.
But it presaged disaster;
She was found with the Pastor
In a compromising position, missionary.
by Thomas G. Keller
The college athletes are all Brothers --
They refer to each other as Mothers.
When they're not recruiting,
They're sure to be shooting
Baskets, cocaine, or each other.
by Arthur Deex
Although watching TV is no plus;
At the people who do it, don't fuss.
We should never berate a
Complete couch potato,
Especially net nerds like us.
by Cybergeezer
A lovely young thing named Lee Ann,
Attacted an elderly man.
She started to weep as she said with a pout,
His lack of inventiveness puts me to rout.
It's the same old damn thing, weak in and weak out,
And I'm doing the best that I can.
by J. Robert Greene
There was a Young lassie named Wainwright
Who enjoyed the position a dog might.
Over her shoulder she found,
When she looked around,
A whole new meaning for hindsight.
by Anonymous
"In spring," said the strict statistician,
"I live by this stern supposition:
The chances of love
Are a straight function of
The number of times of coition."
by Mad Zeno
Said the judge when he heard the complaint,
"I've attempted to show some restraint,
But with your ribald tongue
You ought to be hung,"
And the scoundrel asked, "Who says I ain't?"
by N. Wilkins
The boss told his stenop, "Miss Singer,
Though the office force thinks you're a swinger,
I don't really condone
Using my Dictaphone.
I'd feel better if you used your finger."
by Bob Giandomenico
I dined next to the Crowned Princess Di,
And observed things soon going awry;
Her rumblings internal
Were something infernal,
And everyone thought it was I!
(which is more important, truth or grammar?)
by Arthur Deex
"Do you know," said a punter called Dai,
"'I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy'?"
The pianist replied,
Without missing his stride,
"I suppose, dear, than this is goodbye?"
by Ron Rubin
A zealous composer named Grace
Says: "My musical goal's to embrace
The whole range of strings,
They're such lovely things!"
Well, so far she's got to first bass...
by Ron Rubin
A talented chap from Bordeaux
Played spoons in the clubs (semi-pro).
One night Uri Geller
Turned up in his cellar,
And fucked up the whole bloody show.
by Ron Rubin
There was a young man from New York,
Whose tongue was designed like a fork.
The Indians maligned it,
But most women find it
A welcomer guest that the stork.
by Margaret A. O'Conner
There was a young fellow named Crassus
Whose girl was the finest of lasses.
When he kissed her goodnight,
Her legs closed so tight,
That she fractured the frames of his glasses.
by Anonymous
A popular maiden from Twisp,
Had speech both incisive and crisp;
Till her pronunciation,
Through constant fellation,
Became a mellifluous lisp.
by Ed Potts
A stork is a bird, so they say,
Which brings in nine months and a day,
A bundle of joy,
An infant so coy,
But a swallow keeps babies away.
by Jeff Purser
"Make a baby," demanded Miss Lopp;
He quickly obliged -- wham, bam, pop!
"Where's the baby?" said she.
"It takes nine months," said he;
"Then why in the world did you stop?"
by Ed Potts
Said the Lord, "I do not often get
Down to Earth, because once on a bet
I had an affair
With a Jewish girl there,
And they're talking about it all yet."
by Jeff Purser
Henry Tudor instructed each mate
In the French arts (which he deemed first-rate),
But this sort of erogeny
Leaves one short on progeny;
That's why he's called Henry "the ate."
by Robin K. Willoughby
Prince Albert and Queen You-Know-Who
Were doing what married folk do.
Cried the Queen, her heart drumming,
"We're coming! We're coming!"
"How splendid," said Albert, "Us, too!"
by Chuck Davis
A salesgirl of perfume, Miss Tish,
Stunk bad, though her pussy she'd swish.
Said her boss, "You must leave,
But there's no need to grieve;
You can work as a monger of fish."
by Anonymous
Said a diver, "Cousteau, you're a clown,
To say we should only go down.
With the mask off my face,
It's too much of a race,
To get the lass off and not drown."
by Oolong
A new honor for women was scored,
When the railroad advanced Ms. McCord.
She was made a conductor,
But so many men fucked her,
She no longer will shout, "All Aboard!"
by Anonymous
The Chauvinist said, "Don't you see,
Women's Lib is just pure fantasy.
There'll be equal sexes
When men wear Kotexes,
And women stand up when they pee!
by Jim
A white cocker spaniel from Poole
Had a thing about Peter O'Toole.
When he came on the telly,
He'd roll on his belly
And do funny things to the stool.
by Michael Palin
A man from around Lake Superior
Felt, to fireflies, man was inferior.
So with day-glo paint bright,
And hang gliding at night,
He now flies with a glowing posterior.
by Michael Polo
A bull said, "I'm Friesian. Are you?"
His friend said, "I'm very cold too.
Something warming we need
When we finish our feed.
A couple of Jerseys will do."
by Funfax Limericks