A cunt-test was once held in ChinaTo select the world's cutest vagina -
At a White-Tie-And-Tails Dinner
They announced the prize-winner -
A transvestite from South Carolina!
A cunt-test was once held in China
To select the world's cutest vagina -
At a White-Tie-And-Tails Dinner
They announced the prize-winner -
A transvestite from South Carolina!
A twin sister asked Answer Man Muntz:
"Can one man fuck two cunts at once?"
"There's an Arab - a Saudi -
Who's a "double-endowed-y"
And I believe that THAT'S one of his stunts!"
I think we should give a citation
Ein Mädchen bei Namen Griselde
Traff den Fuehrer einmal bei der Elbe
"Bist du Juedion, my dear?"
Fragte Hitler - der Stier.
"Ich bin Aryan", sagte sie, "und du selber"?
A girl by the name of Griselda
Met the Fuehrer once by the Elbe.
"Are you Jewish, by luck?"
Asked the Hitler (dumb fuck).
"I'm Aryan, and I'd sure love to geld ya!"
The poet comments, "My squeaky-cleans I have not yet seen. By all means, lets have no scenes!"
Are those bountiful mammaries real?
They look like two truckloads of implanted steel -
You show a lot o' bravado in your cleavage, honey
Was that bountiful bubbie beef-up worth the money,
Let us pray you can stand up when you kneel !
The poet comments, "Hope my limerick is a winning pick and not a bust!"
The Sage sadly reports that although the content is clever, the scansion needs work.
There once was a girl named HicksThe poet comments, "About a cheerleader friend of mine. She liked it too."
The poet comments, "Somebody else wrote this. I changed the words because I can't remember the original ones. It ain't dirty, but it ain't clean either. "
I would say that they have quite an aura,
A pretty young thing from Southwick
At mating is wondrously quick.
Before the day's over
She's been rolled in the clover
By every Tom, Harry and Dick.
Zorro, a swordsman by trade,
As a youth was quite a gay blade.
As he grew older
His blade got colder;
Says his wife (but not so the maid).
MacGregor, a bashful young Scot,
Had been chaste, and never got caught.
Till a lassie one day
Said, "The bagpipes you play
Don't compare with the organ you've got."
A squirrely spinster from Lutz
Had an addiction to nuts.
They aren't the kind
People nibble or grind,
But are fondled by housewives and sluts.
A musical whore liked to greet
Her clients by pinching their meat.
So tight was her grip
It let one to quip,
"Why, she's a real Nutcracker Sweet!"
Charles, an acquaintance of mine,
Thought his sex practices fine.
All day he made passes
At laddies and lasses;
At night he chased cows, sheep and swine.
A creamy farm lady named Myrtle,
Whose womb was exceedingly fertile,
Said, as she sat
On her twentieth brat,
"I must get me a chastity girdle."
There was an old woman named Doris,
Who possessed a six-inch clitoris.
The first time she was took
She was sadly mistook
For a man in the building named Morris.
A lusty young farmgirl named May
Had no use at all for foreplay.
If a beau took too long
Before coming on strong,
She'd kick him right out of the hay.
As aspiring musician named June
Could hardly carry a tune.
Despite her bad ear
She advanced her career
By blowing the maestro's bassoon.
A shepherdess, pretty but poor,
Found sheeptending largely a bore.
Till a shepherd stopped by
And - this is no lie -
By day's end she was richer, but sore.
I have a voluptuous auntie
Whose manner is usually jaunty;
Except for the day
Uncle Joe was away
And I caught her in delicto flagrante.
I saw a girl lying in sand.
Her backside was overly tanned.
As she sat bolt upright
I got a quick sight
Of something some think should be banned.
To its height, the giraffe owes its fame.
It may be impossible to tame.
But could it be done,
It'd be rather fun
To put other deep-throaters to shame.
A wonderful thing is the limerick.
But its consequence is a slimmer chick.
For when she's in verse
Her appetite's worse
(Which also accounts for my slimmer dick).
As for things that go bump in the night,
I prefer those that don't give me fright.
What I would include
Are best enjoyed nude,
Are rounded, quite soft, and don't bite.
A cookery student named Kate
Mixed ginseng and prunes by mistake.
She felt rather proud
When her teacher allowed,
"This makes coming and going both great!"
A lisping shoe salesman was wise
To keep his flaw in disguise.
He'd the bad luck to say
To a lady one day,
"Thit down while I look up your thize."
A hostess, known to be gracious,
Had appetites truly voracious.
She always was right,
Despite that, at night,
Her actions were mostly fellatious.
Brae, astronomer extraordinaire,
Pursued heavenly bodies with flair.
His interests astronomical
Had relevance anatomical:
He had Stella, his helper, go bare.
The organ of a gent from Kent
Was angled like the roof of a tent.
When his good wife Nell
Began to swell,
He said, "Why, I've a creative bent!"
Of a falsie salesman named Will
It was said any void he could fill.
When asked about work,
He replied, with a smirk,
"I make mountains out of a molehill."
At her husband's behest, a young Frau
Took her son to a rabbi with know-how.
When she ventured to ask
Concerning the task,
He responded, "It shouldn't be long now."
Men have what looks like a wiener.
It may be fatter or leaner.
In conditions of lean
It stays rather clean.
What it does when fat is obscener.
A dancer, a bit past her prime,
Thought onset of stiffness a crime.
She accepted her fate
When a supple young date
Said her bed-i-ly moves were sublime.
A housewife didn't think it a treat
When her husband peed on the seat.
The next time he did
She'd put down the lid.
Who says that revenge isn't sweet?
A man with Alzheimer's disease
Said, "Don't mind my hand, if you please.
It helps me remember
My masculine gender
If I can reach down for a squeeze."
A huntress by the name of Amy
Liked her meat both cooked and gamey.
What she preferred raw
Is something you saw
In Pompei, city of infamy.
A Quaker lass never felt free
To learn what an orgasm should be.
Her seismologist beau
Predicted he'd know
If she ever reached seven point three.
A Finn, who lived in Helsinki,
Had feet that were terribly stinki.
What made his wife stay
(The neighbors all say)
Was weakness for sex that was kinki.
A girl on the flying trapeze
Made love in midair with great ease.
This aerial mating
Gave the show an X-rating
And commanded the highest of fees.
Re Julius Caesar: of all men he
Led a life that was so molto bene.
Upon being smitten
By Cleo, sex kitten,
He orated, "Vidi, vici, vene."
A bashful young lawyer from Stowe
One night to a brothel did go.
When he asked about price,
Said the madam, with ice,
"It's a case, sir, of quid pro quo."
The poet comments, "quid pro quo should be italicized"
A postulant, known only as Tess,
Thought she had much to confess.
What she did with a priest
(In her dreaming, at least)
I think I will leave you to guess.
A spinster who lived all alone
Would never stray far from the phone.
She longed for a call
That would lift her pall
Or touch an erogenous zone.
A man with unquenchable lust
For a lass with an oversized bust,
Observed her roll dough
While her bodice hung low,
And cried, "Tasting those loaves is a must!"
A golf-loving busman from Leigh
On day off found a lass at a tee.
They created a scene
When he said, on the green,
"Oh please leave the driving to me."
A woman who lived in Des Moines
Was rather well-known for her loins.
It was so tender,
Those not of her gender
For her favors paid many a coins.
A doctor of X-rays named Park
Begat more offspring than a shark.
When asked as to why,
He was heard to reply,
"I do my best work in the dark."
An expatriate Brit, called "Monsieur,"
Of women and song a connoisseur,
Said, "For pieces I've known,
'There's No Place Like Home.'
It's 'Londonderriere' I prefeur."
A woman returned from a spree
Of shopping that brought her much glee.
When her husband espied
All she'd bought, he just sighed,
"The best things in wife are not free."
A sporting young co-ed named Stacy,
Whose taste in clothes runs to things lacy,
Likes beautiful horses
As well as new Porsches.
No wonder she's thought of as racy!
There once was a lady from New Zealand
And she had a peculiar feeling -
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.
There once was a lady named Sewer
And she said that nobody could screw her -
Then along came Nick
With a cast-iron dick
And drilled a hole right through her!
The poet comments, "Note to French people: Lighten up! It's a limerick."
"Do you like pussy cats?" Shirley said.The poet comments, "One of those questions you rarely hear."
The poet comments, "Credits to "Bye' bye Blackbird" (1926). Also, this isn't at all dirty, more romantic blues in limerick form - maybe there should be more of that?"
The poet comments, "written with me and Lord Donoton SCA"
Toast Point looks askance at the poet. "Oh, really? This limerick has been posted here many times as a classic..."
Toast Point is reminded of the Penis van Lesbian joke.
Well, wouldn't you?
GOOD, REGULAR SEX I BEEN MISSIN
When kissed by a gent on her cheek
Mrs. Astor was then heard to speak:
"I'm a sucker for truckers--
And mean motherfuckers!!!
Sorry gentlemen-- you're up shit's creek!
Long ago, I was tripping on acid,
While banging a girl from Lake Placid.
The hallucinations, I confess,
That floated out of her breasts,
Were enough to make me go flaccid.
"You're a dream, you're my sweet cherry-picker.The poet comments, "TV has its charms."
A gay lost his boots in a game,
And everyone said, "It's a shame."
The faggot was bootless,
The boots were quite fruitless,
So he borrowed some shoes from a dame!
Gold-sequined pumps, no doubt...
Are those bountiful mammaries real?
A cop, with his nightstick held firmly
By a naked girl starting to squirm, he
Ran his hand over her breast,
And rasped, "You're under arrest,"
Unless you suck off my "Officer Spermy."
Embarrassed I am of my weakness
Of my pitiful wimpy assed geekness.
Even so, I must brag,
If my dick was a Nag,
It'd run in the "pole positon" at The Preakness.
My goodness! Your pussy is gorgeous!
Let me gaze at it a little more - just
Spread your legs in the air,
And I will just stare,
And I promise I won't cause any more fuss!
A sextet of nymphs, and a satyr
Were fucked half to death by Darth Vader.
He satisfied them, of course,
Because he used "The Force",
And his dick like a foot long potater !!
The Pillsbury Doughboy's an anal emmission!
I'm getting an oven powered by fission
I'll throw him in the back,
With a meat thermometer in his crack,
And burn him beyond recognition!
Toast Point is reminded of one of his favorite riddles:
Q: How do you kill the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A: Monistat 7
"I now will persuade you to sin.
So hard of hearing was Dr. Lambier,
That while doing surgery on a brain that 'd gone queer,
Misheard lobotomy,
Thought he heard sodomy,
So he fucked the poor guy in the ear!
A cop, with his nightstick held firmly
Wore gloves to eschew any germ he
Might happen to get
Should his nightstick get wet
And contract a disease... epidermly.
Embarrassed I am of my weakness
Although hung like a horse, I have meekness.
I with horses consort--
I've developed a snort--
And I've entered myself in the Preakness!
My goodness! Your pussy is gorgeous!
And who knows where your husband George is!
But I'll pass up this sin
Cuz I might just I'll fall in
And it's deep, I'm afraid, as a gorge is!
A sextet of nymphs, and a satyr
Got stuck in a small elevator
But when rescued alive
The nymphs numbered five
Said the satyr: "The sixth one? I ate her!"
It began with an offer of candy
"I find your Mounds really dandy!"
So the girl on the beach
Gave him samples of each
Which were yummy but just a bit sandy.
"I screwed ten guys in the chuck wagon."
"And that was foreplay," she said, braggin'.
"And then twenty more,
When we stopped keeping score.
This morning, my poor ass is draggin'!"
The poet comments, "No, I don't have her address."
A cocky young man from Toledo
Was embarrassed by his lengthy torpepo
Gym shorts, implausible;
Biker's, impossible
And don't even mention a Speedo!
A raunchy young man from New York
Refused to let go of his dork
When asked, "What's the reason?"
He said, "It's quite pleasin'
When one's wrist has incredible torque!
Looking down, I muttered, "Oh swell!"
Joe received an engraved invitation,
To join The Masters of Masturbation!
At his very first meeting,
Before the beaters began beating,
He got a sandpaper glove for the initiation!
Toast Point winces.
Jeff Gilooley's jail time was just starting
Despite matrimonial pledges,
The bride almost always on edge is.
"He watches TV,
Or he gardens," says she.
"His real loves are Benson and Hedges."
by Maureen Stevens
I promise that I'll do my best
To protect this great land - East to West
From treason and fraud
At home and abroad...
Earl Warren, you're under arrest.
(Barry Goldwater Presidential Oath)
by Arthur Deex
Polital office, alas,
Goes often to men who are crass.
Was Caligula coarse
In appointing a horse?
Look! We have elected an ass!
by Laurence Perrine
"Oh yes, I have lust in my heart,"
Said the candidate, eyeing a tart,
But -- son of a gun!
It would be much more fun
If it moved to a more private part..."
by Robin K. Willoughby
"If cannibals voted," said Spence,
"I don't doubt that both of the gents
Who are running would swear
To give tribes everywhere
Missionaries at public expense."
by A. N. Wilkins
Please note I speak not out of spite --
Reagan wants to do good and do right --
He's suave, I suppose,
In manner and clothes,
But frankly, Jane Wyman was right.
by LaDonna Jones
"Were you born in a log cabin, stranger?"
He was asked by an old Texas Ranger.
The president sighed,
And promptly replied,
"No friend, I was born in a manger."
by A. N. Wilkins
The topic: The College Electoral.
We flexed muscles -- cerebral and oral.
Eyes glued to the tubes
We watched the two boobs --
I wish that the pair were pectoral.
by Jim O'Conner
Down the chimney at Rupp,
A nude blond was there waiting to sup.
"Have a party?" begged she,
"Might as well," replied he.
"Way I am, I just can't get back up!"
by Clarence Boyle
Not subtle, the female baboon;
For her, no ladylike swoon.
With sex in her head,
He ass gets quite red.
It's hard to ignore such a moon.
by Larry Davis
I assure you there's nothing to fear.
I've had it for more than a year.
It comes and it goes;
I'm sorry it shows;
But it's only a coldsore, my Dear.
by Peter Watson
He knew whwen she started to flirt,
He shouldn't feel under her skirt.
Right after the fun,
It started to run;
He now finds his squirter won't spurt.
by Dick Buenger
When you see your first kangaroo,
You'll wonder if it's really true.
Its front legs are frail,
It's all ass and tail,
How it screws -- I haven't a clue.
by Larry Davis
A young female sheriff named Belle
Was surrounded by injuns and fell
In their trap on a trip.
But she gave them the slip --
Then her bra and her panties as well.
by Michael Weinstein
A cowboy once thought he would brand
An onery heifer by hand.
She kicked him in the fire;
Now his voice is much higher;
He unmanned himself, branding his gland.
by Robin K. Willoughby
Jesse James, when he got feeling cranky,
Would hold up a stage or a bank; he
Brought loot to his girl,
Who sniffed, "Amscray, you churl,
Till your cockstand can hold up a hankie!"
by Robin K. Willoughby
The poker-faced wrangler call, "Draw!"
(T'was the card game he'd learnt from his paw)
So they drew on him, gunned
Him down. He lay bleeding and stunned,
He moaned, "How about 'Go fish'...? from the flaw.
by Robin K. Willoughby
A stranger called Abilene Herb
In the rodeo was simply superb.
He took the first prize
To the judges surprise,
For he thought that 'cow-poke' was a verb.
by Martin Wellborn
"Sorry Joe," said the dance-hall gal, Sally.
"I'm afraid it's the wrong time to dally..."
"Sal, I don't mind a bit,
'Cause there's no fellow yet
Gone and drowned in THAT Red River Valley."
by Robin K. Willoughby
A gunnery sergeant, half shot,
Showed his medals to a Mexican tot.
"That's funnee, meester,
For you see that my seester
Got gonoree -- no medal she got."
by Martin Wellborn
Grofe, in his Grand Canyon Suite,
Composed a melodical treat:
Musicians start playing
And donkeys start braying,
As hooves sound a rhythmical beat.
by R. J. Winkler
"Two-bit whores!" cried the man from Charters,
To his wife and both of his daughters.
They came back with a cry,
Hit him square in the eye,
With an oversize sack full of quarters.
by Clarence E. Boyle
To his wife an old rounder from Frome,
Said, "I'll get some strange pussy at Nome!"
"If you get two inches more,
You stupid old bore,
You could get some strange pussy at home!"
by Clarence E. Boyle
A hot little dolly named Wishion
Developed wild yens for coition...
She gave lays away
Until yesterday,
When she learned men'll pay for admission.
by John T. Coultard
"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan,
Just not we can't come to the phone;
But, just the same,
Leave your number and name,
And message when you hear the tone."
(Phone message for Sunday through Friday)
by Ed Potts
"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan,
Just now we won't come to the phone;
Though home, what we're doing
Is most likely screwing,
So hang up and leave us alone."
(Phone message for Saturday!)
by Ed Potts
My birthday's gift's overdue,
I knew that you liked limericks, too;
For your thanks, just agree
That you'll stick up for me;
Remember -- I stuck up for you.
(advice from a father to his son)
by Robin K. Willoughby
Some limericks are so Goddam apt
And the meaning is so damn well wrapped,
That when all is in place,
It explodes in your face,
And you laugh so damn hard you'll have crapped.
by Neal Wilgus
Would Edward, our patron Saint, Lear
On reading what is printed here,
Rotate in his grave
And then mercy crave
Or would he, our patron Saint, Leer?
by Irving Superior
"Dirty limericks, the sort which malign
The feminine sex," says Ms. Kline,
"And treat women just
As object of lust
Nowadays contravene Title IX."
by A. N. Wilkins
The archaeologist Hermann von Schnick
Found the pyramid. There etched in brick
Our hieroglyphic man Steiner
Could make out the five-liner
About Alice and her dynamite stick.
by Michael Weinstein
The limerick's a verse form spectacular,
That uses a slangy vernacular
To tell dirty jokes
And make vicious pokes --
Though some of them suck just like Drackular.
by Neal Wilgus
A limerick can sing with its words
Sweet song that can rival the birds.
But subjects profound
Very seldom are found.
A more usual topic is turds.
by Fred Cohen
Of all the limericks ever writ,
The bawdy ones -- half raw, half wit --
Are worst when read aloud.
So poets, if you're proud,
On hearing one, you should 'shhh' it.
by Irving Superior
Said the Limerick Newsletter Editor,
"Where's the joke? I confess I don't geditor,
Else it's not funny;
Line one mentions cunny --
But nowhere in here has he beditor!"
by Robin K. Willoughby
"With math you've explained as desired,
Laplace, stars we all have admired,"
Said Napoleon, "It's odd
That you've not mentioned God."
"That hypothesis wasn't required."
by A. N. Wilkins
"Now class," said math teacher Miss Swan,
"Who can define octagon?"
"It lives in the bay,
It's slimy and gray,
And has eight testicles," answered John.
by Michael Weinstein
A well-endowed Scot named McAmiter
Took a lesbian up to his room.
Then he clanged them together,
Which rendered him nutless,
So he finished her off in mid-air.
(Readers Digest Limerick)
by Robin K. Willoughby
To satisfy sexual greed,
Girls, here's the advice you should heed:
Board a bus in Penzance,
Pretend you're in a trance,
You'll get all the action you need.
by Ed Potts
To his wife said astronomer Janus.
"New facts from the skies entertain us.
Those farts heard on the moon
Did not come from Rangoon.
I suspect that they came from Uranus.
by Al Chaplin
There once was a maiden from Lynn,
Who was so exceedingly thin,
When she swallowed the pit
Of an olive -- "Oh Shit,"
Said her boyfriend -- "She's pregnant again."
by Ed Potts
A pliant young lady from Lynn
Had been plied with a good fifth of gen,
She said to her john,
"Who'll be first to cimb on?
Is it gonna be you, or your twin?"
by Robin K. Willoughby
A camel may very well be,
A ship of the desert, you see.
The female's the one,
Deserving this pun.
Full of Arab semem, is she.
by Larry Davis
What's the differrence 'twixt lawyers with clients
And roosters that crow with reliance?
Both are noisy, both loud,
Both strut, both are proud,
But a rooster, you see, clucks defiance.
by Ed Potts
A chorus-line differs, you dunce,
From a dog-act -- you must see at once,
That the dog-act is proud
Of showing the crowd
A cunning array of their stunts.
by Ed Potts
An innocent maid from Madras,
Did not know the difference, alas,
'Twixt a snake and a goose;
The answer, abstruse,
A snake is an asp in the grass.
by Ed Potts
"What's the difference," I riddled Miss Punch,
"Twixt sex, and a sandwich to munch?"
When she said, "I've no notion,"
I replied with emotion,
"And what are you doing for lunch?"
by Ed Potts
They both may have giants and runts,
A pimp or a pitchman, as fronts.
A whorehouse has not,
Like circuses got,
A cunning array of great stunts.
by Larry Davis
A riddler who hailed from the Strand,
"Why is sex much like bridge?" he'd demand;
The answer, though sad:
If your partner is bad,
Well, then you'd best have a good hand."
by Ed Potts
I said to my doctor, "Please strive
To lower a bit my sex drive."
"At your age," he said,
"It's all in your head."
"Just lower it down to my priv's."
by Martin Wellborn
The flight surgeon, with vasoline,
Had check out the old flyer's spleen.
"When was your last screw?"
"1952 --
By my watch it's 2015."
by Martin Wellborn
A mystery that's long been in force,
And the source of much learned discourse:
Who first found the fuzz
On Peaches? It was
Peaches' boy friend, of course.
by Martin Wellborn
If you'll take a quick peek down beneath
You'll spy a luxuriant wreath
Of hair that's like wire
Or rare species of briar --
Oh-so-useful for picking one's teeth!
by Robin K. Willoughby
The life of a fellow named Blaire
Was devoted to good deeds and prayer.
His reward when he died
Left him transmogrified
As a crab on Brooke Shield's snatch hair.
by Michael Weinstein
"First we gather the cunt hair," said Ford,
"From ten thousand girls, quite a hoard.
Then it's dried and compressed
Shaped, cut, and dressed.
And that's how we make beaverboard."
by Michael Weinstein
Said the dirty old man, "I must shave ya,
The better to ogle your labia
So pretty and pink --"
She said, "T'aint what you think --
That's my used bubblegum, you old knave, ya..."
by Robin K. Willoughby
An oddball is Abner McGee,
Instead of two testicles, three.
"He probably had
A pawnbroker Dad,"
The onlooking tourists agree.
by Irving Superior
The midline convergence of thighs
Is often considered a prize.
But many men feel
It loses appeal
If it's an attraction for flies.
by Larry Davis
There once was a maiden from Sydney,
Who boarded a bus in a trance;
The dogs at her feet
Suggested coition,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
by Ed Potts
My dear, the truth sometimes hurts --
We must not spend our time being flirts.
So I hope you are ready --
True love is not steady,
But comes in a series of spurts.
by Albin Chaplin
Is heart-break your lot from psoriasis?
Your balls swelled from elephantiasis?
Well, that's not so bad --
What really is sad,
Is an impotent man with satyriasis.
by Ed Potts
Cowboys wear oldd leather chaps
Constructed with generous gaps;
The reason you see
Is so they can pee
Without inundating their laps.
by Wild West Limericks
At the opera, from inside Miss Goff
Came a loud hum not even her cough
Could hide. At her side
Her escort replied,
"Can't you turn that damn vibrator off?"
by Fred Cohen
The contralto was pretty and plump;
William Tell quickly wanted to hump;
When the overture played
On the charms of the maid:
Titty Rump, Titty Rump, Titty Rump Rump Rump.
by Ed Potts
To mellow my dear little Rita,
With tunes from the opera I treata;
Thinks me most charmin'
When I hum bits from Carmen,
And really turns on if Aida.
by Ed Potts
To spy on the girls is revealing:
"That's all!" says the whore, void of feeling.
The nypho's sad call:
"My God, is that all?"
The wife says, "I should paint the ceiling."
by Ed Potts
An airport detective named Scott
Said, "Spies are real easy to spot.
They've all got two or three
Microfilm rolls up the
Ass and they waddle a lot.
by Michael Weinstein
by The poet comments, "Ok, Maybe its not the best."
by Toast Point grimaces discreetly.
A proud cocksman from old Aberdeen
Buffed his dickhead 'til it had a nice sheen.
He said, "I want me shank lookin' dapper,
When I slide in her piss flappers,
That's why they call me Mr. Clean!
by Yuck!
Robin Hood wasn't such a damn bore,
As depicted in the tale of yore.
The smooth son of a bitch,
Would rob from the rich,
Not to give to the poor, but his whore!
Don was a really bad bloke.
Always trying to sell a pig in a poke.
Cheating and stealing,
Wheeling and dealing,
People laughed when the guy had a stroke.
The baker at la Mezzaluna,