The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from March, 1997
from Poets Who Should Be Put in the Stockade for Indecency!
Shiznap writes 03/31/97
A friend of mine pretends he is gay,
When we rehearse in our school play.
It really is sick,
When he grabs my dick,
But I often wonder, "What the HAY!!"
She used bleach on her cunt-hair to lighten it,
And the cute see-through pants served to heighten it.
But age took its toll
On that high-traffic hole,
And it's sad she had no way to tighten it!
The poet comments, "Pentatette has the best limericks!"
John Chastaine writes 03/30/97
A coffee grower named Hopp,
Would take a bushel of beans from his crop,
He would sit down and eat it,
And when he'd excrete it,
It was always good to the last plop!
A horny dentist known as McBride,
Found a whore he wanted to ride.
He spewed out his Crest,
All over her breasts,
And smeared her gums with stannous flouride!
Cruelty Jones writes 03/30/97
A "Good Time" to Barney and Fred,
Was to have Dino give 'em both head.
And to continue the revels,
Bugger Bam Bam and Pebbles,
While Wilma sucked Betty in bed!
Shiznap shares a classic 03/29/97
There once was a man from Kent,
Whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save him the trouble,
He folded it double,
And instead of coming, he went!
The poet comments, "This was written by one of my friend's fathers."
Are you sure, Shiznap? This is a classic classic!
I couldn't be any more terser.
I showed her my mouse and my cursor.
I bit on her floppy
And she kicked my hard copy
My Lan, I was tempted to curse her!
If used a a purge, it'll please ya.
If constipation should seize ya.
It's from the Pacific,
And it is terrific.
It's called Milk of Micro-a-nesia.
The poet comments, "I had my training at Pentatette. I recommend it!"
This gal looked a lot like my spouse.
She said we could surf at her house.
On the Net, I'm an ace,
But she cut to the chase,
For she wanted to play with my mouse!
The poet comments, "I decided to go along with that."
Jeeves writes 03/28/97
Said St. Pat to his pal, Easter Bunny
My job is the best for the money
All I do is drink beer
While you shit eggs out your rear
Which I find exceedingly funny!
The poet comments, "Hi guys! Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated..."
Toast Point replies, "Welcome back! The Sage tweaked your limerick, just a bit, for scansion."
While soaking in bubbles and oils,
Sally relaxed from her toils.
Her mission was heeded
By her lover, who kneaded
Her muscles out from their coils.
The poet comments, "It's not all *that* naughty, but hey - some people might not groove
on lovers sharing a bath. (shrug)"
Once there was a man named Wood
Who screwed every woman he could -
Once he had them all
His dick began to fall
And now his name is 'Could'.
The poet comments, "I had a real problem thinking of a past-tense word that would imply that he
'could' and can't anymore."
I met a guy named Brian
And I thought that he was lyin'
When he said he liked guys
With wide- open flies
Until I met his best friend - Ryan!
The poet comments, "Actually, the only Brian I know is straight, but what the hell?"
Toast Point knows more than one gay one, so they are out there...
Writerman writes 03/22/97
The girl of my dreams (dry and wet)
Still hasn't shown herself yet--
I've checked every whorehouse
Hell, I've even checked YOUR house!
How hard-up can one fellow get???
Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives
by A. N. Wilkins
An attractive young person named Fader,
Though psychiatrists struggled to aid her,
Believed that she was
A robot because
Her physics professor had made her.
by Margaret A. Murdock
An impotent Bishop named Clyde
Could never a woman bestride.
He said, "It's a sin
To shove that thing in!"
So he didn't, but God knows he tried!
by Laurence Perrine
The nudists, by pure thoughts possessed,
Were gathered for prayer before rest.
But one wanton boy
Eyed his ravishing Joy,
And dreamed how she'd look fully dressed!
by Arthur Deex
At a nudist camp outside Spokane,
The bride appeared wearing a tan.
There was no need to stare
To be fully aware
Of exactly who was the best man.
by Robin K. Willoughby
As the feminist finished undressing,
She exclaimed, "Oral sex needs some stressing!"
She discovered the ratio
Of successful fellatio
To its counterpart, very distressing.
by A. N. Wilkins
When Lady Godiva last year
Rode her Harley through Coventry here,
The constables looked
And had the lass booked
For not wearing protective head gear.
by Leonore Overtures
When a friend asked a coed named Beam,
"As a freshman did you ever dream
That you'd letter in track?"
She said, "Actually, Jack,
All I thought of was making the team."
by Thomas A. Quinine
Between sports and cavorting with Nereids,
There are differences totaling myriads;
But the principle matter,
It is only the latter
Where there's play taking place between periods.
Tim writes 03/21/97
Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum
He pumped up his sac till it hurt him
With helium gas
The stupid old ass
He took off and I think he's still floatin'!
Tim submitted these below in January, but they never appeared. Toast Point has never seen them before, so there's a machine out there in the ether that's to blame. There are more on the Squeaky Clean side, too.
You may well curse it and and moan
But it has long been well known
With its meter and rhyme
And subject sublime
That the limerick's the epitome of poem!
Some people find them quite rude
With themes both earthy and crude
But they are soon smitten
Once one they have written
And I'm sure you also will be wooed
So the next time you find yourself start
To put down this venerable art
Instead set your mind
To creating a rhyme
About a bishop who's eating a tart!
Evad shares a classic 03/21/97
There once was a Rabbi from Leeth
Who performed circumsions with his teeth
I t wasn't for religous measure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath!
I once knew a girl mamed Gudrun
Who made love through the night and 'til noon
Then the Army she tried
And she there satisfied
Every officer, cook, and dragoon.!
Cheeks writes 03/18/97
Beware of the disease called AIDS
Be cautious and don't get laid
If you catch it you'll die
Your mother will cry
As she looks at you in your grave.
Writerman is still looking...
For a female to help with the cooking
Who responds with affection
At each new erection--
Now THERE'S an act that's worth booking!!!
Cruelty Jones writes 03/16/97
On Rush Limbaugh's ass can be found,
A message, by the hole pink and round.
And if you have just the right light,
Then you just might,
See: "Dangerous inflated above 200 pounds!"
John Chastaine writes 03/16/97
On St. Patrick's, drink lots of green beer.
Get drunk and go boom on your rear!
Stumble around in a trance,
Puke a bit, wet your pants,
Be an asshole and do it again the next year!
Smokin writes 03/16/97
There once was a scotsman named Rod
Who lifted his kilt for some broad
She liked his dick
For twas two inches thick
And about ten or so inches long!
Yes, but the rhyme in the last line...
John Chastaine writes 03/15/97
Let me tell you a story about Jed
Who stripped Elly-May on the bed
And said, "I sure like yer cranny,
'Cause it's tighter than Granny's,
But Jethro gives better head!"
Writerman writes 03/15/97
Men, as I grow older, more lecherous
I find that ALL women are treacherous!
Just to get in that hole
You surrender control--
(Of your life and your money?) You betcher ass!
Margarita1 shares a classic non-limerick 03/14/97
Mary had a little lamb.
She put it on a heater.
Every time it wagged it's tail,
It burned its little peter.
A guy and his girl left at noon
To go off on a long honeymoon.
Twelve-fifteen and he said,
"Let's just stop here for bed."
She smiled and she said, "Not a moment too soon!"
The poet suggested that this might be squeaky-clean, but Toast Point thinks this is the very definition of "naughty".
John Chastaine writes 03/13/97
Veni, Vidi, Vici,
A Roman girl, who was rather peachy.
Now the juice from her hole,
Has dryed on my pole,
And Man! That sucker is eetchy!
Cruelty Jones writes 03/13/97
A lady sadist was being quite fickle....
"Should I stick a needle up this guy's dickhole,
Or pour hot wax on his sack,
Break his joints on the rack,
Or probe his asshole with a sickle?"
Cruelty indeed!
Dr.Dirty shares a classic 03/12/97
Ladies, teach your tongue romance!
Your fellatio skills it will enhance!
Live by this look,
Or at least take a look,
It is Rod Lather's `Penis at a glans'
Jeeves writes 03/12/97
Writerman, good luck in your quest
May you find a rare maiden with zest
Whose lips give you pleasure
(And reveal hidden treasure)
But doesn't bitch, nag, or whine like the rest!
Cruelty Jones writes 03/12/97
Strip me, and then fuck my ass!
Slap me, and call me low class!
Pee on my face,
Then, please, leave this place,
'Cause soon I'll have to say Mass!
Something about Lent must be getting to these boys.
John Chastaine writes 03/12/97
At the last supper they gathered 'round Jesus.
Judas says, bold as he pleases,
"Christ! The bread and the wine,
They may be Divine,
But it'd be better with fresh fruit and cheeses!
The true ending to Bambi, it's said,
Is that he got horny, right out of his head!
With his ramrod-hard pumper,
Just about to fuck Thumper,
A hunter shot his silly ass dead!
Paul Reiser, you dirty little runt
You've pulled a miraculous stunt
Though it's only a show
Not everyone knows
And they think that you fucked Helen Hunt!
The poet comments, ""Hey, don't squirt water at me...I'm gonna FUCK your girlfriend!" -DLR, 1983 US Music Festival"
Wigg writes 03/10/97
There once was a whore from North Seoul
Whose brain size was that of a mole
When asked for a light,
She replied with delight
"I'm sorry, I only smoke pole!"
O'Brian writes 03/10/97
When they came to arrest Mr. Weston
On charges of lewdness and fraud,
he had undergone surgery
And committed no perjury
When he said, "Mr. Weston's a broad."
The poet comments, "Makes you think, don't it?"
John Chastaine writes 03/09/97
If my Limericks couldn't be crude,
My Muse would really be screwed.
If I couldn't play facile,
With shit, fuck and asshole,
I'd be a miserable, unhappy dude!
The sex show was the usual fare.
The Chicken and the Donkey were there.
A Yak in a girdle,
The Raccoon fucking a Turtle,
And the Hippo in the thong underwear!
Mz. Charley shares a classic 03/08/97
There was a technician named Lil
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil!"
Writerman's in search of Miss Right
A new lady with wit, charm and bite -
With 2 lips full and red
That just love to give head
And 2 more that go hump in the night!
John Chastaine writes 03/04/97
A good-natured fellow named Wise,
Had a dong of incredible size.
His gargantuan putter,
Set the ladies aflutter -
Too bad! He only fucked guys!
A bestial fellow named Cable,
Screwed horses whenever he was able,
But alas and alack,
While riding "bare back",
He was kicked through the wall of the stable!
Popping my warts, I made a mess,
All over my new, white dress .
My girlfriend decided she would like to help,
And as she yanked on my dick, I made a yelp .
To have such a friend, one must be blessed .
The poet comments, "Hey, Sage, I'm sort of the new guy . Are my works at all revolting ?"
If that's what you're aiming for, I think you're there...but you need to work on your scansion! Especially in this next one:
If all is quiet and peaceful, God is taking a nap .
If it's a rainy, stormy day, He's an angry chap .
Bird poop isn't really bird poop, it's an angel's orgasmic sensation,
And that's where we get hail, the naughty angel's castration .
And if some asteroid happens to hit the earth, God is taking a crap .
OG writes 03/04/97
There was a young man from Manilla
Who made love to a female gorilla!
He found her attractive--
But their sex was so active
It pretty much fucked up his villa!
Whenever I'm feeling a little sick
To cheer up, I write a limerick
But sometimes I ponder -
Actually - I wonder
Would I be better off stroking my. . .?
The poet comments, "Sorry ran into a mental block"
John Chastaine writes 03/03/97
Little Tommy, to enhance his erection,
Stuffed his ass with his marble collection.
When he'd start to come,
He'd squeeze tight his bum,
And shoot them in every direction!
His withered dick
Ain't worth a lick
And he wets his balls
When nature calls
So sex sith him ain't worth the prick!
Men with colossal pricks
Believe the world turns on their dicks
When thumping a mattress
They yell, "I'm stronger than Atlas!"
But when done, they can't flick their Bics!"
Jim writes 03/03/97
There once was a lady named Fox,
Who dearly loved to suck cocks,
She gave such great head,
It was widely said,
That her dates came home without socks!
The poet comments, "You know, "blow your socks off" and all that."
A buck in his prime is Doc Seaten
But his interest in sex is so fleetin'
He came to the Twin Cities
To fondle pink titties
But anything more he calls cheatin'!
The poet comments, "This was written for a good friend in the medical profession, the name has been changed to protect his reputation!
Now words are a relative thing -
They make many an argument ring
i.e. "Why is what passes as gasses
From the asses of masses
Called flatulence in a king?"
There was a young maid from New York
Who dated a sailor from Cork
When he went back to sea
She cried "Woe is me!"
"I fear I have dated the stork!"
A rare 7 line limerick...
Norwegian who once worshiped goats
sailed the seas in wooden boats
and when they raided ocean ports
they sowed a crop of grain of sorts
and left to spoil
in virgin soil
wild oats, wild oats, wild oats!
Cruelty Jones writes 03/02/97
A dog-loving lady named Glass
Had a pooch that was truly first-class.
She'd trained him in a week,
To sit, fetch, and speak,
And to bury his bone in her ass!
Cass A. Nova writes 03/02/97
There once was a necropheliac named Ron,
Who met a bestialitist named John,
They found a man with a lobotomy,
And they now practice sodomy,
And they still don't see anything wrong !
The poet comments, ""Happy are those who rejoice in all they do !""
Shelley writes 03/01/97
The waitress made so many spills
As she bent to clean, she gave chills
Diners saw her valley
And right up her alley
And almost got lost in her hills!
A little boy sitting in school
Was trying to follow the rule
Yet his butt cheeks did part
And he let out a fart
And the teacher fell off her stool!
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