Do you like yours tender and juicy?Pinched hard or fondled quite loosely?
Do your fingers get wet
When you play with your pet?
Do you jump like a fucking Watusi?
Of course you don't French Kiss a chicken.The poet comments, "I don't feel so good..."
The poet comments, "All true stuff! Practice SUCKS!"
Ewww! Hooda thunk?
A trailer-trash slut name of Sue,
Should your man lose a pound or two?Ewwwww!
The poet comments, "Im insane iam "
A disgusting old man was McGyver,
Two moments in Captain Hook's past,Toast Point winces.
There once was a surfer named Buck
There once was a surfer named Buck
Who drove a huge 20-ton truck.
He said, "It's no lark
if you're trying to park,
but it's great when you want to move your brother-in-law's furniture on a Sunday afternoon!
"I met a guy...who drives a truck!
He can't tell time, but he sure can...drive!"
(Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid")
The poet comments, "There is only one nation, and that's Kiss nation!"
A wandering Munchkin named SyfeNo doubt yelling, "Oil can! Oil can!"
The poet comments, ""With apologies to Writerman" P.S.This is my first attempt."
Toast Point warns the poet not to tangle with a master (and also to rhyme the 5th line with the 1st and 2nd).
Ooo, the suspense...
There once was this lady from France
Who boarded a train in a trance
Everyone fucked her,
Except the conductor,
And he shot a load in his pants!
Hi, Og!
There once was a hooker named June
There once was a woman named Eve
Whose cunt stank like you wouldn't believe
On some days the stench
From this nasty-ass wench
Would leave you like Christopher Reeve.
The poet comments, "Crude enough for ya?"
Toast Point comments, "Tasteless from several different directions. That's hard to do!"
There once was a fella named BillThe poet comments, "Is this naughty or squeaky clean? What needs diluting most, the spice or the sugar? Whatever!"
Toast Point couldn't tell either, and decided to place it in both sides.
The poet comments, "Variation on a classic by the Bomberger Boys: Russ for idea; Rog for polish."
There's a sexpot named Beth in BethpageEwww! (but not as revolting as some)
The box said "Takes 2 D-Cell Batteries"Serious structural flaws, but very clever...
Now this Bishop, he wasn't a fool
He knew what to do with that duel
He whipped off his britches
And gave those two bitches
A foot of Episcopal tool!
The poet comments, "Hope all you other Toastpointers have better luck. Happy Valentine's Day."
Toastpointers...hmmmm, we like that!
The poet comments, "Maybe I'm just getting my period."
Toast Point sniffs, "Maybe yours are, but...
There was a young woman from Mass.
Who had an extremely nice ass.
It wasn't pink
Or round like you think
It was brown, had long ears and ate grass!
The world thought Miss Lucy a twit
Eugene told a girl from SchenectadyThe Sage informs readers that "synecdoche" is a figure of speech where a part is given for the whole.
The box said "Takes 2 D-Cell Batteries"
Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!
Said Frank, his face covered with soot.
Just as she took her hand
From Joe's swollen red gland.
Having spanked the King of Lilliput.
The poet comments, "It's amazing what long cold New York winters can make a man do !"
Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum
There once was a man from SchenectadySome days are better than others.
While soaking in bubbles and oilsEwwwww!
The Sage likes the concept, but doesn't understand the first line.
The poet comments, "The first line was intended to convey that the surgeon had probably had a gruelling schedule and had handed over a new operation tersely to his assistant (by passing him the torch, i mean, the scissors) and saying Sterilize. "
The poet comments, "I have to credit "El Bardo" (aka Jeff Auen), the limerick master, for sharing this beauty..."
There once was a man from Schenectady
Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum
I rubbed oil on my bollocks to coat 'em.
It made me feel hornier,
But I ought to warn ya:
If you try it, take care: it'll bloat 'em.
The poet comments, "A good set of first lines this month! This and the Schenectady one were a real challenge. Can anyone else do better?"
Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum
The unwitting young lad tried to coat 'em
Pouring paraffin wax
Down the crack of his ass;
When it dried, he was stiff as a totem!
The poet comments, "Tough rhyme." The Sage agrees, but notices that it seems to be a popular choice.
Do you like yours tender and juicy?
Pinched hard or fondled quite loosely?
Do your fingers get wet
When you play with your pet?
Do you jump like a fucking Watusi?
Stanley, that anal young fool,
Made sculptures out of his stool.
His version of the "The Thinker",
Was really a stinker,
But his bust of Madonna was cool!
The Sage took the liberty of changing "portrait" to "bust", to tweak the scansion, and add just one more little layer of meaning.
Teachers hate Ebonics, you know.
Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!
Why is my sex drive going Kaput?
Is it 'cause you're so clean and so nice,
Totally lacking in spice,
That I crave a slut covered in soot?
The doctor rushed to see Liberace,The poet comments, "Hi There!"
Hi, John! Welcome aboard!
Clinton, that sorry shit-ass,
Didn't inhale while smoking that grass?
Yeah, and O.J.'s no killer,
I've the hots for Phillis Diller,
And the Pope yells "Fuck You" during mass.
The poet comments, "I got a ton of 'em. All mine."
Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum
Joe bought Ivory Soap just to coat 'em.
It got rid of the smell,
They're still wrinkly as hell,
But when he hops in the tub he can float 'em!
Al Sharpton would wear warmup suits,
But they imprisoned his really gross poots.
So he now runs a hose,
From his butt, through his clothes,
To vents he has hid in his boots!
The poet comments, "Unless they're called Dave, perhaps?"
The poet comments, "How is my first attempt?"
Ewwww!
The Sage sighs and implores Jeeves not to take it personally.
Though some people might think it weird,
Cunnilingus is not to be feared.
"What I really like",
Said a lover named Mike,
"Is I taste her all day in my beard!"
I really do like to drink beer
For it makes the world perfectly clear.
What I don't understand
Is how I could land
Flat on my back under here.
By A. N. Wilkins
My sweetheart was only," said Bill,
A moonshiner's daughter named Jill.
She was not very tall
But in spite of it all,
"I was," he said, "fond of her still."
If Christ died for our sins, as the priest
Declares," said a barfly named Keast,
"His death was in vain
If we chose to abstain,
So we ought to commit them at least."
Goeffrey Chaucer asserted, "Ywis,
We ought to recall in this bliss
Of our revels, that man
Is an engine that can
Change the finest French wine into piss."
Cleopatra appeared at the border,
And telling the queen he adored her,
It was Caesar who came,
Saw, and conquered the dame,
But probably not in that order.
What happened between you and Clyde,
Who made love to you one night outside
In the hammock?" asked Sue.
"Oh, I thought you knew.
We fell out," Henrietta replied.
An old codger proposed to Sue,
Though when asked about sex, he was blue.
"Infrequently," Ed
Reluctantly said.
But she asked, "Is that one word or two?"
Said the Caliph, "Despite my excursion
Which resulted in widespreaad conversion,
I can't tell one clan
From the rest in Iran.
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
The serpent's temptation brought strife
Into Adam and Eve's simple life.
Adam, when they began,
Took his woes like a man --
He blamed all of them on his wife.
By R. J. Winkler
If whiskey is drunk by the bottle,
This very significant thought'll
Give pause to your drinking
And make you start thinking.
A little won't hurt -- but a lot'll.
When Robinson Crusoe discerned
A footprint, he hollered, concerned,
"Hooray! This is my day!
Thank God! It is Friday!
Thus coining a slogan we've learned. ( TGIF )
By Philo Logue
Although liquor is quicker than candy,
The expense of a bottle of brandy
Is undoubtedly more
Than is needed to score --
So if candy is handy, it's dandy.
By Robin K. Willoughby
I don't have a problem with drink,
At least, not the kind you might think;
When I start to feel woozy
Or act like a floozy,
I simply throw up in the sink.
Her boyfriend's sufficiently mastered
The fine art of getting her plastered;
After three shots of whiskey,
She's both groggy and frisky;
Then he takes gross advantage -- the Bastard!
Don't ever drink Mexican rum,
Which makes morals and nerve-endings numb.
You'll awake the next morn
With your panty-hose torn,
And your tonsils all gummy with come.
My boyfriend got down on his knee,
And he told me how happy he'd be
When we'd gone down the aisle,
But he soon lost his smile
When I asked him to go down on me.
The angler fish courteth his mate,
Then he makes for her vaginal gate;
Once fully inside
They're eternally tied;
If he changes his mind, it's too late.
Saint Augustine was one of the greater
Confessors -- a true master baiter
Of sin in its lair --
And here's Augie's great prayer:
"Make me chaste, Lord, but not just now -- later!!"
By Laurence Perrine
"Do you really believe all that junk
About the Creator -- that bunk
Of his taking awhile
To make this shit pile"
"And on the sixth day he was drunk!"
Could I live for a year without liquor?
If I had four wives they would bicker.
No thank you, Islam,
I shall stay what I am.
Bloody Mary's than water are thicker.
An ape hailed the Pope and said, "Hi, mate!
We're cousins, you know. It's no lie, mate."
The Pope fixed him there
With a cold glassy stare,
But asked himself, which was Primate.
By Irving Superior
"The City of Raleigh", it read,
"To honor Sir Walter, instead
Of regular beer
This one day a year,
The beer must be served with no head."
By Thomas A. Quinine
When a symmetry-lover named Clyde
Spied a list to the left on his bride,
He cried, "Fie on that tit!"...
And she had to admit
It was truly a tit to be fied.
A delectable widow named Lyme
Is enjoying her sexual prime;
Having briefly inclined
To the life of the mind,
She returned to her senses in time.
What the marital manuals say --
No surprise to the wise fiance --
Is the cherry's expendable
(And it's verily vendible),
That its pitting is fitting today.
When a sheikh of the Gulf too a bride,
At the moment of entry she shied;
So he told her to sit,
Did a lickety-split,
And the ushered his gusher inside.
I could handle the times with the Torah
And the days we were dancing the hora,
But it then came to pass --
What a pain in the ass! --
That we ran out of gas in Gomorrah.
By Lance Payne
A hunter, he'd mounted the head
Of many an animal, dead.
"I'm fearful," teased she,
"Lest you shoot and mount me."
"I'd happily mount you," he said.
By Ed Wolfert
Out in El Paso Del Norte,
People are informal and sporty.
If you greet a girl, "Hi Lucy!,"
(Referring to her coosie)
She will often reply, "Hi Shorty!"
By Dick Buenger
A boss and his steno, quite fair,
Were processing words as a pair.
When she told him to "ENTER"
He thought that she meant her,
And dutifully had her right there.
By Ester M. Lelper
A promiscuous princess named Alice
Kept lovers all over her palace.
But her hole became hard
And her pleasure was marred,
When she developed an embarassing callus.
By Michael Weinstein
The Sultan was pissed as can be
At the girls in his harem when he
Ran a big boobs contest
To see whose were the best,
And his eunuchs came in one, two, three.
The young Sultan, ordinarily so mild,
When let loose in the harem goes wild.
He once buggered his two
Hundred wives in a queue,
And got 86 tapeworms with child.
By Nancy Raymond
Conception is now found inducible
By 'in vitro' detente in a crucible.
But the act is maligned,
Though the product's in kind,
As the honeymoon's irreproducible.
By June Sullivan
Said the gorilla as he eyed the fair lassie
With the classiest curvaceous chassis,
"My pop carried Fay
Up a building to play,
But I'll lay this one here on the grassy."
