The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from January, 1997
from Poets Who Need a Good Whipping!
Danthomas writes 01/31/97
Said a friend to Julieanne Moore
"Goddammit, you dumb ugly whore,
I hate to be crass
But good God, your ass
Makes all the guy's eyes quite sore!
The poet comments, "Subject frequently shows off ass to public,
really not worth the effort of focusing the eye."
Mad Max writes 01/31/97
There once was a salesman named Glick
who thought of himself as "slick".
while peddling product
he forgot his conduct.
He's now known as slick Glick the dick!
While noting the bulge in his trousers
He proceeded to download web browsers.
He then searched for J PEG's
Of blondes doing redheads
And cats fucking dogs in the flowers!
The chill makes her nipples so perky
And the sex she desires is quirky.
Black latex and chains,
The bonus is pain;
It oft makes her cunt drip like a slurpee!
When Bill Ron coughs out a lung,
Ask "Is english his native tongue?"
Poor thing has no rhythm
And his head's full of jism,
Snot, boogers and dead whore cum!
The poet comments, "The "coughing out of a lung" refers to rampant opinion (from what I read) of his/her prose."
He hasn't been around much lately, actually...
While noting the bulge in his trousers
A gentleman, Ashley, carouses
In rubber with zips
And with sixteen foot whips
But enjoys it most wearing girls' blouses
ADVICE: Get a ring through your cock
And you'll prob'ly receive a rude shock
It gets "pus"sy and hairy
And might look quite scary
So cover it up with a sock!
Ewwww!
There was a young man from Berlin
Who could crack walnuts with his foreskin
With the head of his dick
He could break four-inch-thick
Planks of wood with just one giant swing
A singer whose stage name was Snoopy
Was being sucked off by a groupie
She was well versed in head
For she'd toured with the Dead
It was three hours until he went droopy!
The poet comments, "It must be late!"
The dead whore that was kept in the cave
Finally got too smelly for Dave
So he sold her to Pete
In the cave down the street
And dug up a new one from a grave!
The Sage lets this one go by...
Writerman writes 01/31/97
While noting the bulge in his trousers
She fingered herself to arouse "hers"
This act made the fellow
So sex-crazed he did bellow
Eu-rekas! and Zow-ies!! and Yow-zers!!!
Have you met my inflatable wife?
She's truly the love of my life!
She fucks like a pup
If you keep her pumped up
And remind her that you've got a knife!!!
Tim writes 01/29/97
"The chill makes my nipples so perky,"
Said the debutante from Albuquerque,
"To my lover's delight
They'll stay hard all the night
And he can chew on them just like beef jerky!"
and a variation...
"The chill makes my nipples so perky,"
Said the debutante from Albuquerque
"They get my lover excited
And without being invited
He goes down and gobbles me like a turkey!"
My lover is fond of massage
So I pounded her with a barrage
Of thumps on her back
And then to help her relax
I used a sledgehammer from the garage!
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Is getting divorced soon, I see
And the papers all claim
That she'll then change her name
She wants to be known as Leslie!
The poet comments, "Leslie -- Less Lee -- geddit?! Oh well - it wasn't very rude anyway :)"
A new year is ripe in the making
And so soon resolutions I'm breaking -
My poor body's abused
With food, drugs and booze,
And as for sex, my poor balls ain't stopped aching!
Jim writes 01/25/97
A conservative senator, Horatio,
Hated perverted sex, and he'd say so,
But he lost his aversion
To sexual perversion
When he learned "sodomy" includes fellatio!
If Pamela Anderson Lee
Should avail herself to me,
I'd flip a dime
To see if first time
I'd get head or tail, you see.
A lesbian on a divan
Ate sushi straight out of a can
The smell of the fish
And the rice made her wish
That her lover'd come back from Japan!
A couple in bed in South London
Did not think to first buy a condom
With a clear plastic bag
Tied on with an old rag
They made do, and they did it - it stayed on!
A young man who lived in Berlin
Could crack walnuts with his foreskin
He could smash a wine glass
With the crack of his ass
And his girfriend could make pencils blunt.
Ooo, so promising, and then the last line...
In Gorgeous George's gorgeous Georgian gorge,
Gorging orgies and orgy gorging forge
A horde of Ladies whoring
To the Lords of Hades snoring,
When George's gorgeous orgied gorgers gorge.
The poet comments, "This is both a tongue-twister
and a Spoonerick (horde of ladies/
Lords of Hades);
snoring refers to the gorging orgies
in which the men (Lords of Hades)
have overeaten and become sleepy.
I have never seen a limerick that does all
three: tongue-twister, spoonerick, and maintain
a reasonable (subtle) meaning. RSVP
Thanks. Enjoy."
Very impressive, except for the scansion.
Jeeves writes 01/24/97
Wow! Highly insulted am I
That the 'whore' entry did not fly
You say variation
Makes publication
So why in the fuck did you lie?!
The poet comments, "Why publish CeeJay's variations and not mine?"
Toast Point replies, "Very simple. The Nantucket limerick isn't completely
revolting the way the whore in a cave limerick is."
A lesbian on a divan
Had a vibrator (made in Taiwan)
In the midst of a stroke
The fucking thing broke
So she suffered 'blue balls' until dawn!
Wandering Loon writes 01/23/97
My lover is fond of massage
So I rub her with creamy fromage
And a soft tickle give her
Till her quim starts to quiver
Then go in with my steaming sausage (saw-saazh?)
Mad Max writes 01/23/97
There once was a young lady from Sweden,
Who on my dick was a eat'n.
She reached up with her hand,
But I said "No thanks, ma'am",
I'd rather be eaten than beaten!
A lesbian on a divan
Held her lover's face to her can.
But for lunch, she'd had beans,
And she burst at the seams.
So you could say, "The shit hit her fan"!
A lesbian on a divan
Her backside with dildo did ram.
She shuddered and shook,
Gasped and all of it took,
Like a gay man up the can!
My lover is fond of massage
But sometimes I find it odd;
While rubbing and stroking,
Prodding and poking,
She drips more than when dick shoots a wad!
CeeJay writes 01/23/97
Said his Dad to a lad from Nantucket,
"Son, your dick will soon grow, 'til with luck it
Will hang down to the floor:
That'll help you to score,
Or if not, you can stay home and suck it!"
Toast Point apologizes to CeeJay - the entry just showed up in his mailbox yesterday. As you can see, it's not the Nantucket theme that's banned, just sheer repetition. Clever variations are
encouraged!
The Sage nixed Jeeve's "whore" entry.
JT writes 01/22/97
A lesbian on a divan
Her fav'rite vibrator in hand
Said twixt the moaning
And buzzing and groaning:
"I'm coming as quick as I can."
The poet comments, "An adaptation of one originally written for my wife.
"
A milkmaid addressing her cows
Concluded her speech with some bows.
As the buxom thing bent,
Her fabric was rent,
And she utterly fell from her blouse!
The poet comments, "Integrate this with the Pamela Anderson Lee theme, and you have some lovely imagery indeed!
Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/21/97
Adlines for condoms are a heap,
Some classy and some really cheap,
A good one I remember,
Didn't refer to any member,
But simply read 'Look Before You Leap!'
The poet comments, "Overheard joke"
CeeJay writes 01/21/97
A frustrated chap from Cape Cod
Believes in a feminine God:
Each time his wife has a m-
ultiple orgasm
He only gets one, the poor sod!
The poet comments, "Isn't Nantucket somewhere near there? What a great place for limericks!
CeeJay writes 01/20/97
Said a man from Nantucket, "I'm sick
Of being asked 'DO you suck on your dick?'"
"I would rather my dong
Were a quarter as long,
And, to compensate, four times as thick!"
The poet comments, "I guess this is going to earn me another glare from the Sage...
Oh contraire, we like this one!
Writerman writes 01/19/97
To AOL Fans Everywhere
AOL's now a bitch to log onto -
Where has "pride in one's work" ever gone to?
All that greed - dontcha love it?
Don't bend over - they'll shove it...
Right up your ass... if they want to!
Trainman writes 01/16/97
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Broke down on I-5 recently.
I heard the cop say,
"You should call triple A."
She replied, "What for?! I'm triple D!"
Oh, she must be more than that!
CeeJay writes 01/16/97
There is a young fellow called Dave
Who keeps a dead horse in his cave.
It smells worse than shit,
But his neighbours admit
That his goulash is what they all crave!
The poet comments, "Yummy!"
The Sage glares at the poet.
Crispy writes 1/15
" Peccadillo" has same root in sin.
As adjective "impeccable"'s in,
While courage is "pecker"'
Or something to wreck her,
You can call it "Peter", and grin!
pec.ca.dil.lo \.pek-*-'dil-(.)o-\ n or peccadilloes or peccadillos [Sp
pecadillo, dim. of pecado sin, fr. L peccatum, fr. neut.] pl of peccatus,
pp. of peccare : a slight offense
Crispy has been writing limericks inspired by the Wordsmith Word of the Day. We thank him for sharing them with us!
Psycho writes 01/14/97
Jeeves is totally right -
Pamela Anderson Lee is a fright!
She's such a witch
A skank and a bitch
Whose silicone pops out at night!
Trainman writes 01/14/97
A lesbian on a divan -
A devoted fan of Elton John -
Strove to name her vibrator,
And a little while later,
Stated, "He shall be 'leave on'!"
Hee hee. Toast Point has always liked that song, although like so many of Elton's songs, he hasn't a clue what it means.
The poet comments, "Do the limericks get special consideration if they use TP-provided first lines?"
The Sage answers, "Nope. They're just there to kick-start your brains." Toast Point, however, is delighted when one of them strikes everyone's fancy, like the Pamela Anderson one this month.
A tight-assed young girl that I know
Had me ream her 10 times in a row.
Now cornhole-ing that lass
Is a pain in MY ass!
We truly reap that which we sow!
Bertram Pantyshield submits a classic 1/14
There was a young lady from Sydney
Who could take it right up to the kidney -
Then a man from Quebec
Took it up to her neck -
He had a big one now, didn't he!!!!!
CeeJay writes 01/13/97
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Is a babe who's as big as can be.
Her silicone valley
Is where I would dally
If I had a home by the sea!
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Needs no airbag in her car, you see.
In laboratory tests,
Some equivalent breasts
Survived impacts of up to five g!
A blight left the King's royal purse
With but a gold rubber (perverse!)
When his wife and child died...
His Majesty cried:
"My condom for a hearse!"
The Sage looks askance at the poet.
Stargazer writes 01/09/97
A lass with small breasts wished to raise them,
For when guys saw their size, it would faze them.
'Til a lad (Mark, by name)
Said he swore that he came
Not to seize her berries, but to praise them!
Jeeves writes 01/09/97
WriterWoman, you sound like a tease
And your tits probably sag to your knees
So from all of us guys
That you fucking despise
May your cunt be infested with fleas!
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Just received her divorce decree
So to get through the day,
With no one to lay,
She bought a dildo the size of a tree!
Emily writes 01/09/97
Charles Darwin was slow to direct us
To the condor's uncertain prospectus -
Consonantal mutation
Means reincarnation
As accessory to homo erectus!
Monique de Plume shares a classic 01/09/97
I once met a fella named Roger
Who married when he was a codger.
His young wife was tight
And try as he might,
There was naught he could do to dislodge her.
Dr. Dirty writes 01/08/97
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Was the name of a bitch in Albany,
She would get into trouble,
With dogs, on the double,
For they knew she was for free.
Crispy writes 01/07/97
The patient, a sad sight to meet,
Showed up with spots red as a beet,
Which covered his mass,
All caught from a lass,
And not an ice cold toilet seat!
The poet comments, "Free medical advice: Unprotected sex is risky."
A girl from Des Moines writes 01/07/97
Anne was a girl from Des Moines
Whose cunt was the size of a coin
Her sex was so wussy
Tom Jones liked her pussy
But she went to fuck Johnny Burgoyne.
Bad Girl writes 01/07/97
The teachers are dressing like sluts
Showing off all their butts
They go to their classes
Letting boys grab their asses
And sucking on their nuts.
Me writes 01/07/97
There once was a girl from Dubuque
Who sat there and ate her own puke
She picked her own ass
And ate it in class
Then ate cum from some dude named Luke.
Aylith Andromeda Anderson writes 01/07/97
The once was a guy named Nate
Who used a Tickle-Me Elmo as bait
He was such a wacko
Then he became Jacko
And went home to masturbate.
The poet comments, "This is inspired by the joke...
"What does Michael Jackson call Tickle-Me Elmo? Bait!""
Dr. Dirty writes 01/07/97
Supposedly tasting like pussy, he had found,
An apple, very red, voluptous and round,
After taking a bite of it,
Found it tasted like shit,
And only then did he remember to turn it around.
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
On her pubes had a green bee,
Which forgot it was a vector,
While sucking her pubic nectar,
Turning every man green with envy.
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
A teacher from whom you cannot flee,
Would catch you between her tits,
And hide you inside her pits,
Just to teach you the meaning of 'glee'.
CeeJay writes 01/07/97
A New Zealand playboy named Greaves
Has his girls each way round, but believes
In abandoning dames
After one night of games,
For a Kiwi just eats, roots, and leaves.
The poet comments, "This is based on a joke like the one about the panda on the Squeaky-clean page, but naughtier.
You know, of course, that the verb 'to root' has a particular meaning down under...
Happy New Year to Toast Point, Sage and all your contributors!"
Jeeves writes 01/06/97
This time of year can be quite depressing
I find my Christmas high spirts regressing
My cure? Piss on Prozac
I'll get my wife on her back
And have her cunt give my cock some caressing!
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Has tits that would float on the sea
Those silicone pouches
Have been on several casting couches
Resulting in her contracting V.D.
The poet comments, "Sorry guys, but I think she is a serious ho-bag!"
Give me a limerick that smacks of smut
Something that comes from your revolting gut
I don't care for a poem of squeak and clean
But one dripping of slime and green cream
Yes, give me one that smells like an overused slut!
Come on you with the poems of dead whores
We can still give them limericks with festering sores
We may not use tales of green meat
Nor of hermits named Dave may we speak
So give them more slime disgusting to their cores.
The poet comments, "Bill Ron has been out with the flu but is back with smut and goo."
Oh, goody...
There once was a con from Mt. Hope,
With prison he just couldn't cope.
'Til he met a fine friend,
Straight to the end,
By repetedly dropping the soap.
There was a proud fucker from Cylon,
With a dick the size of a pylon,
'Til he zipped up his fly,
And let a great cry:
"Shee-it! I hope I look good in nylons."
There once was a man from Crete,
Who triumphantly came on his feet,
'Til the fateful day,
He let a fine spray,
And slipped, going down in defeat.
There once was a man named McNeer,
Who said to his dear with a tear,
"Your twat was hot,
But now it's not,
Flip over. I'll do your rear."
There once was a trombonist named Art,
Whose chapped lips would barely part,
So whenever alone,
He'd sit on his trombone,
And practice Mozart with a fart.
The poet comments, "My co-authors: my wife, Claudine Paris and my grandson, Dan Paris."
Toast Point has never met the poets, and is picturing a Grant Wood couple corrupting an eight-year-old child.
A friend of mine back from the dead
Assures me there's nothing to dread!
No mean boss, nagging wife...
No one says: "Get a life!"
And the angels give heavenly head!!!
The chill makes my nipples so perky
And the wine makes me queasy and quirky!
I'd give all you men head--
But I'd rather drop dead--
And I'd rather be eating beef jerky!
Dan'l writes 01/04/97
A new year is ripe in the making;
To count blessings, time I am taking.
Her ass isn't big.
She's never a prig.
When coming, she seldom is faking!
The poet comments, "I started to say "never" but how do I know?"
Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee
Hunted high and low for a tree.
But out on the beach
Trees are out of reach.
(One never thinks stars have to pee.)
Writerman writes 01/04/97
This year's resolutions will cover
The deep feelings I have for my lover:
If she refuses to fuck
On my terrace - bad luck -
I'll still give her a kiss----------------then I'll shove her!
Eek!
Ms. Nooky's a breath of fresh air!
A female with cum in her hair!
Who digs sex and shows it--
Who licks it and blows it--
And then writes all about it with flair!!!
Trainman writes 01/02/97
As a pen name, Nooky is grand
But the one that makes my pecker stand
Is Monique DePlume,
From the "Squeaky-Clean" room!
(I typed this with only one hand!)
The poet comments, "Sex is only a mind game, after all."
Monique has joined us here as well!
Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan writes 01/02/97
A Rhino's Plea
You animals come in throngs with popcorn,
Insult by calling me an ugly unicorn,
You wanna get horny, that's fine,
Eat chocolate, wine and dine,
But for Eros's sake, spare my poor horn !
Monique de Plume writes 01/01/97
I once knew a fella named Jerry
Whose pecker was small as a berry
When he went to pee
He let nobody see
Though he thought it petite but not very!
By MarcoM
Dorothy said to the Tin Man, "I'm trusting
That you won't find my preference disgusting.
But I'll take the Wizard of Oz
And it's simply because
Although his joint's limp, it's not rusting."
By Dick Buenger
The Bishop refused to ordain
His deacon who could not abstain.
Instead of The Book, he
Would worship the nooky
Procured from the choir, his bane.
For my organ of sex I concede it
Is my pleasure to know whence to lead it.
If it sits like a stub,
I give it a rub.
Let it never be said, "I don't knead it."
By Irving Superior
The curse of gold. When Midas ate
Each dish he ate became gold plate.
His daughter too
Became Au,
And when he had to urinate...
A professor of English named Ford
Was writing a quote on the board;
However in haste,
He left out a space -
THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD.
By Lance Payne
Since their lust didn't have to be mastered,
Kings "did it" whenever their ass stirred,
And that explains why,
Though a prince may rate high,
A duke is so often a bastard!
By Ronald R. Jay
A royal handmaiden named Bess
Caught the King in a state of undress.
Said she, wet with pleasure,
As her quim took his measure:
"My ruler's twelve inches, no less!"
By Martin Wellborn
I remember the night that I ate
The girls' hockey team from Penn State.
I worked my way round
As they lay on the ground -
Not unlike a wild rose - imbricate.
The poet comments, "Websters III : imbricate - overlapped at the margins"
They've arrested a monk at St. Mallory's
For molesting the nuns in the gallerys.
"Just doing God's labor
By loving my neighbor -
Nunnilingus is only twelve calories."
By Margaret A. Murdock
A sensible man known as Guy
One day asked his young bride, Miss Vi,
When she would be stopping
Her impulsive shopping,
And she said that she would, buy and buy.
By C. Webster Wheelock
A geology student named Victor
Took his date to the river and dicked her.
He admitted his fault
In this heinous assault,
But was proud of his 6 on the Richter.
By Michael Weinstein
A cheerleader named Betty-Jean Clark
Drank some luminous paint for a lark.
By December the cocks
Of half of the jocks
On the football team glowed in the dark.
By A.N. Wilkins
"Some precaution should not be despised,"
The old Dean of Students advised.
If the coeds here, friend,
Were laid end to end,
I wouldn't," he said, "be surprised."
(someone should apologise to Dorothy Parker)
By Neal Wilgus
Most limericks are so damn forgettable
That it seems quite a shame and regrettable
To waste so much time
On mere meter and rhyme
That won't fuck and don't pay and ain't edible.
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