The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries for August, 1996
Few and Far Between
Dolphin replies to the Sandman 08/31/96
What's become of our oblate little world?
All we've known off great cliffs has been hurled
Society is crumbling
While governments are fumbling
Human rationality dries shrivelled and curled.
Yet from this great catastrophe we'll grow
And rebuild lives from the past we did know
Great works we'll re-write
From the darkness a new light
And from our new pinnacle a limerick will flow!
The Sage comments, "Ah, that's better..."
Blaze writes 08/30/96
The Republicans, at a convention,
Had a theme they neglected to mention:
"If you're pro-choice or gay,
Black or poor -- STAY AWAY!!"
(The "Big Tent" party can't stand dissension.)
Sandman writes 08/28/96
There once was a world that was a bit of a dud,
For people kept dying, leaving graves in the mud.
And it only takes but a minute to think
That the lies written in ink
Can't hide the facts written in blood.
The Sage comments, "Lovely..."
CB writes 08/26/96
Poor old Dole, he sure needed a "bump"
(Pollster-talk for a big ratings jump)
So he brought back the Voodoo,
The tax-cuts, the doo-doo;
He just may persuade... Forrest Gump.
O.J. Simpson's the name: I can tell
That you all hope that I'll rot in hell.
But when it comes to the crunch
You know, I've got a hunch
I can fool Him upstairs just as well.
"I think the Republicans stink!"
Said Bill Clinton, "and what's more, I think"
"That Perot is a jerk,"
"That his plans just won't work"
"And that Dole is a chicken-heart fink!"
Writerman writes 08/19/96
Did you see the Republiconvention?
Many luminaries to mention
Then Bob and Jack ran in-
To Patrick Buchanan...
A bone of Republicontention?
Collins7 struggles with limerick meter 08/13/96
there ONce was a MAN who atTEMPted to [limmerick]
his REsults were SUCH that those WHO read them [became quite sick]
the MENtal tranSItion [required]
to GET a limMERick [wired]
is ONE for which HE, as yet, HAS not found [the trick]
The poet comments, "I SALUTE ANYONE WHO CAN DO A LIMERICK!!!"
Magunda writes 08/11/96
A goldfish, a cat and a puppy
Belonged to Agnes O'Grady the yuppie -
One night she entered her flat with her keys
To find her cat postprandial and morbidly obese
Said the cat,"For dessert I prefer sauteed guppy."!
Lana writes 08/11/96
There once was a man named Shawn,
Who always awoke at dawn.
Once he did not -
he must have forgot -
Now he is buried under the lawn!
How to respond to confusion?
Intellectually, or in collusion?
Since I'm not very fast
And repelled by the last
Išll just roll my eyes and say "screw it".
Confusion is a matter quite spurious
Inviting all, but the mentally curious
Still, letting it go
To go with the flow
Is ridiculous fun but quite serious.
Perverse limericks are quite snickerey -
Please believe that I'm not persnikery -
But saintly or knightly,
Low or high as a kitely,
I don't like to fun hickory dickery.
Hickory dickery dock,
Fun around the clock,
But, when lovers meet,
In bed under sheet,
It's better love tic and not talk!
Toast Point is very confused by these two.
His Peace writes 08/09/96
There once was a young swimmer named Jewel
Who was so fat, her friends called her a fool
One night she secretly went for a swim
But alas! when she jumped in,
She heard, "Now EVERYBODY out of the pool!"
There once was a fat young lady named Dup
Who liked to lay back and eat beans from a cup
She once slipped and fell down on her couch
And the poor piece of furniture shouted, "OUCH!--
"I'VE fallen and I CAN'T get up!!!"
There was a dog called Munch,
Who ate bananas by the bunch.
When he got fat,
He said,"Fancy that!"
"I'll have to cut down on my lunch."
Sandman writes a Palindromic verse 08/08/96
Is it love for tears I shed?
Forgives all, heart broken yet has it bled
Bled it has, yet broken heart all forgives,
Shed I tears for love...it is
Dolphin writes to Sandman 08/08/96
Happy Birthday to her whom begat thee
A toast to her superiority
To a woman of great strength
Who put up at great length
With the likes of yourself, young siree!
Magunda writes 08/07/96
A man sipping double martinis
Decided to slalom using jet skis
With the glassses to his lips
And two skis below his hips
He bounced his way to the Florida Keys!
While going on summer vacation,
Rodney King's dog practiced some perserveration
He barked all night long
Rod asked,"Why can't we just get along?"
And with canine friend, shared his libation!
My VISA! Oh, no, it's expired!
A car thief...my car is hotwired!
I'll walk home flagrantly broke
And then I'll see smoke,
"My house!" and my boss says,"You're fired."
Toast Point played with the meter of that one.
It started as just an adventure -
They said,"Leave it to the men..." , sure...
Health care, Red Bone, and Whitewater
Made being angelic a tall order...
So... I talked to Eleanor Roosevelt without censure!
Two men rowed a rowboat a flitting.
Each rowed with an effort befitting.
One stood as he rowed,
One sat as they flowed,
For one of them couldn't stand sitting!
The poet actually submitted that twice, and then submitted the following.
I'm sorry for this double entry -
I'm left with feeling quite empty!
My apostrophe, well
Damn it to hell!
Please take out my el and correct me!
Sandman writes 08/07/96
A woman I adore above all others
They'd all be like her if I had my druthers
So here's to the best years of my life
Spent in the arms of another man's wife
....my mother's
The poet comments, "Happy Birthday Mum....."
and shares a classic 08/07/96
First let me explain that I'm cursed
I'm a poet whose time got reversed
Reversed got time
Whose poet a I'm
Cursed I'm that explain me let first
There once was a poet not laureate
Who sought to rope fame with his lariat -
When said his wife Harriet
"As critic, I'd bury it"
He stretched out his strife with his lariat.
There was a young lass at the lakeside
Whose diminutive waist was her great pride.
She'd sashay the shoreline,
Producing a low whine
From the young bucks, all fixedly wide-eyed.
There was a young lass at the lakeshore,
Her figure was classed as an eyesore.
Whenever she'd walk
The whole beach would talk
And her condition in general deplore.
Note to Mr. Doern: your other limericks were deemed naughty
despite your footnote.
Bill D writes 08/02/96
The choir at St. Agnes-on-Tweed
Was missing a baritone lead,
But by holding her nose
Whilst she sang through a hose,
A soprano met the choir's need!