Happy Face! Happy Face!

The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Squeaky-Clean Entries for July, 1996

Few and Far Between


CB writes 07/29/96

Gold Star! Our reality's getting too stark
And Western Civ's crawling towards dark!
You can only say, "Cripes!"
When bombs made of pipes
Blow up in Centennial Park!

With these psychos now hogging the news --
Energizing our ACLUs --
I say: "Round 'em up, Newt 'em!
Take 'em out and shoot 'em!
I'm abandoning liberal views!!!"

The Sage knows what CB means.


His Peace writes 07/26/96

It seems pretty odd that sometimes
Public telephone booths accept dimes...
Maybe the little men inside
Have nowhere else to hide,
So they're saving space for more dumb rhymes!

Have you ever wondered why on TV,
Pretty girls come across as quite easy -
All it takes is some dumb joke
And you've got them under your yoke -
In real life, they'd smack you quite silly!!

Gold Star! If you ever go to a really small zoo,
Be weary of the keepers, please do -
'Cos if the animals, they say, don't feed,
And their advice you refuse to heed,
The feed might end up being you!!

When watching this year's Summer Olympics
I really can't help but think this:
"Is it just me, or is Atlanta
So bad that jolly good Santa
Won't give them any presents for Christmas?!"

When traveling to New York the other day,
I met a funny-looking man on the way.
I asked him, "Sir, what's wrong?"
He replied, "My story's real long,
And it's making a fortune on Broadway!"

There once was a young man from LA
Who swallowed a drink the wrong way -
After sneezing and coughing mildly,
He started burping quite loudly,
And when he finished, "Oops!," was all he could say!

Gold Star! There once was a young girl named Betty
Who dreamed she was in the Serengeti.
Soon the lions gave chase,
And 'cos she couldn't keep pace,
Her bed was strewn with human confetti!!

If you ever see a Banglee say "hi",
'Cos they're scarce, and you know why?
They fight lions and are beaten
And are subsequently eaten,
Plus they rarely get a chance to say "Bye."

Have you ever wondered why this cool joint
Is called (of all names) "Toast Point"?
A place named after burnt bread
Can make one go brain-dead
And that's why I can't finish this (joint). . .

Excuse me, All-Powerful, Great Sage of Toast Point
You should regularly post poems at this joint
'Cos if you're really as good as you seem,
We could get together as a team,
And really "All-Powerful, Great Sage" you appoint!

The Sage judges poems and leaves the writing to those who submit.


CHRISADAM writes 07/24/96

There once was a man from Algiers
Who had one too many beers -
They found him on his belly
With a can full of jelly
And peanuts in his ears!

Frode... shares a classic 07/24/96

A real fine bird is the pelican -
Its bill holds more food than its belly can!
It stores in its beak
Enough food for a week
And I don't understand how the hell it can!

The submitter comments: Heard on TV on the show "Columbo". Toast Point asks generally if anyone remembers the limerick that Marianne (Christine Baranski) wrote on the fly during an episode of "Cybill"? The last line was "The zebras are running amok.".


Travis Wyatt writes 07/23/96

There once was a dragon named Ned.
He loved to eat crackers in bed.
He laid on a crumb,
and felt very dumb.
If he were a dog, he'd shed.

Blaze writes 07/23/96

Gold Star! My calico kitty, Sabrina,
Never once, in her nine lives, has seen a
Mouse, mole or rat;
She's a spoiled, sheltered cat
Who prefers salmon mousse and Wheatena!

The poet comments that she saw Toast Point's photo of Leopold and decided to send one of her "cat limericks" to the Squeaky-Clean contest. Sabrina is one of her four cats, all litter-mates, who just turned four years old July 22. Like Leopold, they all have long hair and interesting dispositions.


Youngbeard writes 07/16/96

Gold Star! The marriage of Charles & Di
Will soon no longer apply!
The divorce date's been set
And all criteria met
To dissolve their betrothal tie.

It was Bertha they gave as a name
To the storm on the east coast that came.
People left in a hurry,
Fearing its mighty fury
But compared to some, she was tame!


James Satoshi writes 07/15/96

There was once a young scholar from Rhodes
who prayed to learn all that was `knowed'.
God granted his desire;
this man became inspired,
causing his head to quickly explode.

Sandman writes an epic 07/15/96

In truth, I've taken a moment to pause
To ponder burnt bridges and closed doors.
Truth was an illusion,
My life wrought with confusion,
And women were mostly the cause.

I know to be loved is better than any
Fortune in fame or in penny,
But you'll get nothing but strife
With two women in life,
In fact I think it's two too many!

A weight has been lifted from these shoulders of mine -
Detached emotions no longer entwine.
One thing I do know -
From here I shall grow
And live my life truly as mine.

Indeed I've been up and been down,
Sharing smiles but more often a frown,
But from this slumber I'll wake
And these shackles I'll break
And emerge playing the well-known clown.

All of the stars in the night
Now appear alike at first sight,
But with their illuminating beams
Come new hopes and dreams
Of finding the whitest of light

After much consideration, the Sage placed the penultimate verse on the Naughty Limericks page.

So no more will I rage
As I pen my last page
And the last thing to say
As these words fade away
Is adieu from Sandman to Sage.


Tim Tudd writes 07/08/96

Gold Star! A traveller hailing from Parma
Fell foul of the new Dhali Lama -
On his way home again,
He had no end of pain
Attributable to bad karma!

A teddy with sticky-out ears
At the picnic had too many beers -
He got drunk as a wretch
And his seams got so stretched
He was ostracized by his peers!


Emily writes 07/07/96

There once was a doctor named Jane
Who thought her job was a big pain.
She preferred liberal arts
To red tape and clogged hearts
And embraced English lit once again.

Stan, how many times are you going to submit the "roo" limerick? Look at the bottom of this page!


Herkin writes 07/06/96

In Canada lives my beloved Aunt -
She works in a food processing plant.
They've got Mountains of Gammon
And Rivers of Salmon-
They eat what they can, and can what they cant't

Sandman writes angst-filled limericks 07/05/96

Life is but a strange illusion,
Full of false hope and delusion.
The only way to stay sane
And avoid all the pain
Is to live your whole life in seclusion.

I feel that I'm all lost at sea,
The waves keep crashing on me.
I need some light
To shatter this night
For darkness is all I can see.

Now I've come to a fork in the road
No more can I carry this load
A decison to make -
Which path I should take
If only the right way I was showed.

It's hard to know what to choose
Either way, I fear, I will lose
For what goes around
Does come around
In the end we all get our dues.

All the cards have been laid on the table -
I would play if I only were able
But my hands I have tied,
Sad tears I have cried
I can't play when feeling unstable

The winds of change are blowing my way
As alone in the world I do lay
Against all my will
I'm feeling the chill
The sun has turned cold today


Stargazer writes 07/05/96

Gold Star! Let's move Langston's poem from this page
To the "naughty", O Toast Point and Sage!
It's not just the sentiment
That might cause resentiment,
But the "s-word" for eyes under-age!

The poet comments, "Stargazer is an old radical too, but mellowed..." Toast Point decided to blip the offending word out instead, as he did Langston's comment.


Sandman writes 07/04/96

"I don't understand you" I say in despair,
"Your thoughts I'd like you to share."
But I get no reply,
And now I know why,
For it's into the mirror I stare.

The Ang writes 07/03/96

A trio of sorrowful hounds
Was brought in to water the grounds.
Said the man down in hell,
"They've done their job well,
I hope no one ELSE down here drowns."

The poet comments, "A friend of mine and I wrote this one in a matter of moments for a ninth grade writing assignment, and I've never forgotten it!"


Stan Lee writes 07/03/96

An Australian "Roo" from down under,
Which I sighted one day made me wonder,
Though she was no slouch,
Her marsupial pouch,
Seemed to be getting rotunder!