The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries for May, 1996
Few and Far Between
Herkin writes 05/30/96
Strolling one day in the Park
I heard a dog learning to bark.
As far as I could tell, it
Had a badly cleft palette.
"Mow! Mow!" "Huff! Huff!" "Mark! Mark! "
The poet cautions, "The last line should be said with closed nasal passages!!"
Sachin Kapur writes 05/29/96
There once was an old man from Kore
Whose house had a very big door.
It closed with a slam,
Right on to his hand.
Now his poor fingers are sore!
Danielle B. writes 05/29/96
There once was a guy from L.A.
He planted flowers in May.
He watered them lots
And tied them in knots
And threw them into the bay!
Winter's gone - ain't that something?
Birds are again on the wing!
But something's so odd...
That I gotta ask God:
Pray tell - what have you done with our Spring?
tim writes 05/28/96
Count Dracula was heard to moan,
"I guess that I should have known...
I sucked all night in vain
On Mick Jagger's vein,
But you just can't get blood from a Stone!"
Jpan writes 05/28/96
A very precarious Sagittarius
Met up with a gregarious Aquarius;
They married in May
On a Gemini day
And the results were simply hilarious!
Willie B. writes 05/28/96
There was once a teacher from L.A.
Who gave a pop quiz every day.
She went over the line
With quiz number nine.
So the students in her class made her pay!
Herkin writes 05/26/96
A cowgirl, name of Fat Harriet
Told her boyfriend she just wouldn't marry yet.
Her ambitions lay
Writing cow poems all day
And becoming the Poet Lariat!
hawke shares a classic 05/26/96
Lord bless us and bind us
And tie our hands behind us
And hide us behind the door
So the devil can't find us!
Herkin writes 05/24/96
Bank heist in Hong Kong today !
Balaclavas and shotguns, so they say.
"Don't think this is funny "
"Just give us all your money "
"Ah, So! ", lisped the teller. "To take away?"
Courtney H. writes 05/24/96
There once lived a man who slept on the floor.
His clothes he kept in a weird old drawer.
He was covered in fleas
From his head to his knees.
When they saw him, people gasped in horror.
Rose W. writes 05/24/96
There once was a young girl named Rose.
She had ten very big hairy toes.
No matter what she did,
They just couldn't be hid,
Everyone made fun, which elated her foes!
Michelle A. writes 05/24/96
There once was a big clod of dirt
Who wore nothing, not even a skirt.
Mr. Rock said, "How rude!
You should not be so nude!"
So the dirt clod put on a shirt!
There once was a young man named Halls
Who made nitroglycerin balls.
As he walked toward the door
He tripped on the floor.
He's now being scraped off the walls!
There once was a boy with a nickel.
The coin, it had bought him a pickle;
The pickle was sour
And within the hour
He was out in the field with a sickle!
Moral of the limerick...
Never give a boy with a sickle a nickel!
On one show of "Starsky and Hutch",
There was a bad brother named Dutch.
Because he was limpin',
The cops thought him pimpin'
So Dutch hit them both with his crutch!
There once was a girl from Malaysia
Who suffered a case of ephasia.
She begged and she pleaded
For her brain - how it bleeded.
Gun in hand, spent her youth in Asia (euthenasia)!
Tim Tudd writes 05/19/96
A cross-dress from Crosby, called Sloane
Bought a frock in a class of its own
It filled all the places
Where Sloane had just spaces
And the boys wouldn't leave him alone!
On the plains I met grizzled Jake Cotter
And his gal the Shoshone Chief's daughter.
Her smile, it was broad,
And her beauty unflawed
I had some wampum left, so I bought her!
and a triad, too!
The patient gave vent to a howl,
One long shrill, disarticulate vowel;
"In his razor sharp talons
My life's held in the balance -
Help me doctor, I've swallowed an owl!"
The best surgical brains, cheek-by-jowl
With world experts in night-flying fowl,
Fought for almost a week,
But that hideous beak
Merely tightened its grip on the bowel!
They were ready to throw in the towel
When the faith-healer rang - Reverend Powell;
He advised them to pray
And came round straight away
With some string, a live mouse and a trowel.
Walter Rollin writes 05/18/96
There was a lawyer named Hale
Who always kept his clients from jail
Until one was found guilty
And Hale lost his stability
You'd think he had graduated from Yale!
Rhymelust writes 05/18/96
There once was a nice T.V. addict
Who recited the O.J. verdict -
When they cut off her cable,
She hid under a table
And chanted: "Convict, fools, convict!"
Becky Mushko writes 05/16/96
There was a poor seamstress so meek
That oratorical skills she did seek.
But the tuition fee
Was as high as could be;
She had to keep working sew to speak!
A young stallion desiring an heir
Dreamed of finding exactly the right mare.
He arranged a blind date
But found out too late
That his dream filly was really a nightmare.
C. 1996 - both originally published in Anderie Poetry Press's THE BRIDE OF FUNNYSIDE (Carole J. Heffley, ed.)
Amy Deneen writes 05/15/96
There once was a girl named Am.
She played the same Game.
She had a sister named Dandy.
And her horses name is Mandy.
Mandy became really, really lame.
There once was a boy named Cash.
He got a enormous rash.
He went to a race.
And win 1st place.
Now he has a cush!
Non-sequiter limericks - a new form?
Persian Cat Lover writes 05/14/96
There once was a cat from the beach,
Whose food was just out of his reach;
He said with a grin,
When I first let him in,
"I'm Starving, you lovely old Peach!"
There once was a pig from New York -
Everyone called him a dork!
He loves school,
He rides a mule,
That little ole pig from New York.
The poet comments: "It may be kinda corny but I wrote it in second grade:) "
Stargazer writes 05/13/96
Aunt Elizabeth's gifts used to bore us
'Til she told us we'd get a thesaurus.
We were thrilled past belief
'Til we found, to our grief,
She had NOT bought a dinosaur for us!
Herkin writes 05/13/96
Stargazer reckons that Herkin pulled a boner
About all those Basques, crushed in Barcelona,
But don't knock, me old cocker,
"Cos those Basques love their soccer
And were the fans that had come down from Pamplona!
There once was an old Irish lady
Who thought that her surname was Grady.
She wasn't a Cleary
Or Shaunessy-Leary,
The bunch she belonged to was BRADY!
Stargazer writes 05/10/96
Herkin's pun shows both genius and that elan
Which is his, but for facts he's an addled man;
Though I'm petty to kvetch,
It's a bit of a stretch
Putting Basques in a city that's Catalan!
Stargazer asks: Am I insufferable yet?
Toast Point will let you duel it out with Herkin!
Competitions ‘bout limericks are won
Mostly by wit and by pun
And the judges you expect
To choose a local select
But here’s hoping for a non-native son!
But everyone's a local on the Internet!
Eponymous (and his girlfriend) write 05/08/96
There once was a man named Eponymous
Whose name, and his brother's, were synonymous.
To his friends, he'd confide:
"My brother has died,
But I'll answer for either one of us!"
Herkin writes 05/06/96
Di's cellulite problem is shocking!
Its set the world's press to mocking;
But now she's nothing to fear,
You'll be delighted to hear.
I've sent her my Grannie's surgical stocking!
Barcelona theatre. A fire totally wrecks it !
Panic, and hundreds are crushed as they legs it ( rotten grammer)
The whole world stood appalled
When the verdict was called-
" There were too many Basques in one Exit "
The flowers that grow on the mountain
Grew brightly all 'round the fountain -
They reached for the sun,
Didn't hurt anyone
Smell the flowers and stop all your doubtin'!
There once was a girl named Suzy
Who never could buy any shoesy
The reason you see
Was simple - for she
Had three feet instead of just twosy!
There once was a girl named Leaner;
Her nose was as long as a weiner!
She could eat enough meat
To last her a week and
You'd know it's the truth if you'd seener!
Herkin writes 05/03/96
An olympic yachtsman from Leicester
Capsized in a gale-force Sou'Weicester
Cried " I'll forego all these chills
And henceforth seek my thrills
Down that icy Run called the Creicester!
A girl (we will call her Sue)
Cooked in a place named "The Shoe";
She once killed a man
Who called her Suzanne
And served him up as beef stew!
There once was a codfish from Seattle,
Who lived in a big copper kettle,
In which he was playing
His drumkit and saying:
'This is what I call heavy metal!'
The writer comments: 'Not bad for a Dutchman, eh?'
The Sage replies: 'No, not at all. But Seattle/kettle?'
Marcie writes 05/01/96
There once was a turtle name Myrtle
Who one day couldn't fit in her girdle
She stuffed and she squeezed
'Til suddenly she sneezed
And now she's a girdleless turtle!
Mary Way shares a classic 05/01/96
There once was a man named Paul
Who fell in the spring in the Fall
T'would have been a sad thing,
If he died in the spring,
But he didn't, he died in the fall!
Anthony Tanaka-Burns writes 05/01/96
A girl with eyes well attuned
Alone for so long marooned
Took comfort in the sight
Of the stars late at night
Distant hopes so brightly illumed.
Titled, "Dim Horizon" and copyrighted in the Library of Congress, May 1995
What remains to be said
Left solely to be dead
Will as soon wither away
Like leaves dried, blown astray
Than tell you instead
Titled, "Voices From The Grave" and copyrighted in the Library of Congress, May 1995