The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries for April, 1996
Few and Far Between
Once dead, she enjoyed the house that he built her.
We knew that she did it, but couldn't quite guilt her.
She lived to be eighty, then passed from the scene.
We returned to the site and captured a gene.
From that DNA, we rebuilt her, tried her and killt her!
Ms. Nobody writes 04/30/96
There once was a fellow named Vern
Whose cigarette he would not dare burn.
If he did, he would choke
From all of the smoke
And fall on the floor like a worm!
John writes 04/30/96
A principled man is he
Who knows his priority
If it's the right season
Regardless of reason
Leaves early to hit the first tee!
The writer comments:
This limerick was written for the 40th birthday of Jim Gawtry, co-worker
and avid golfer.
Brian writes 04/30/96
There once was a man named Patel
Who managed a cozy hotel.
One day, in a hurry,
He slipped on some curry,
And now he's a human pretzel!
Pret-ZEL?
Esteban writes 04/29/96
Habia un hombre de Argentina
Que tenia una esposa llamada Nina
Un dia ella regreso a casa
Y parecia loca porque estaba borracha
Entonces juntos tomaron la cerveza mas fina!
The Sage wishes he could do the upside-down exclamation point, too.
Esteban has kindly provided an English tranlation:
There was a man from Argentina,
Who had a wife named Nina.
One day she returned to the house,
And seemed crazy because she was drunk.
Then together they drank the beer most fine.
Lisa writes 04/29/96
Is Netscape the ultimate browser?
Are there two legs in every trouser?
Nothing can compare
With a browser so rare
So believe me, or go ask Doc. Howser!
Mignon writes 04/29/96
There once was an old maid called Daisy
Who was unbelievably lazy!
She said "Get me a man
As fast as you can"
Or I'll drive all of ya crazy!
A brave seafarer from Nantucket
Put out to sea in a bucket
He capsized in a storm
(Which wasn't the norm)
And cried " I wish I could think of a word to rhyme with Nantucket!"
Lin writes 04/29/96
One day, in the great month of May,
While walking, I heard someone shout "Hey!"
I turned rather quickly
And saw my friend, Hinkley;
He just wanted to know if I was going his way.
Bob D writes 04/29/96
When my dog and I walk at night,
Looking up's a beautiful sight;
I stop and stare,
She doesn't care,
Dogs are not wowed by star light.
(But they sure are bow-wowed in moonlight!)
There once was a female computer
Who thought everyone should salute her
For being the best,
On every test,
Including her work as a tutor!
I told you just what I wanted
And I knew that you knew what I wanted
So, if I knew that you knew
And that you knew that I knew
Then I knew that you knew that I knew that you knew what I wanted...
OK...
Coo ! Gurgle ! Ah Ah ! Talk scribble!
Hootchy kootchy koo - see bunnies on bibble!
"Dere, dere's a good girl" says Nanna,
"Ka Ka, potty po-po" says Mama,
Kacky poo poo, pee-pee and dribble!
Such a talented child!
Penny Kjelgaard shares
a classic from the farmer's almanac 04/28/96
A canner, exceedlingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
"A canner can can
Anything that he can.
But, a canner can't can a can, can he?"
There once was a pilot in flight
Who daringly dashed out of sight.
He hit passing gear
And his front met his rear.
Now he travels more quickly than light!
There once was a young biker named "Bare"
Whose pants got too small to wear.
He looked at his middle
And said, "Oh, my fiddle!
I have plenty of belly to spare!"
There was a young gal named Cohanna
Who struggled to eat a banana.
She hacked at its peel
With ravenous zeal,
Then threw the damn thing to Havana!
There once was an Eagle named Bull,
Whose tummy was more than too full.
He ate a whole sheep
And started to weep,
"Oh, I should have sheared off that wool!"
Jo Ellen once rode on a horse
That turned her away from her course.
It trotted so far
She did not know whar
She was, and was filled with remorse.
Lucy once said she like flowers,
And would smell them and pet them for hours.
She climbed up a tree,
Some blossoms to see.
And was readily caught in its bowers.
There once was a lunch meat called Spam.
They say that it's something like ham.
But it's covered in gel
And it's easy to tell
There's too many nitrates per gram!
Slugo writes 04/26/96
In my office the lights will go nil
By themselves if you're quiet or still -
So my boss thinks I'm working,
My arms I keep jerking
An unwanted perk! What a thrill!
Count Drac writes 04/26/96
On vacation, young William from Slough
Met a werewolf one day near Bilbao.
Though it left him for dead,
After eight weeks in bed
He says he's all right again nowoooooooooooo!
sumac writes 04/25/96
A young Hindu maid from Tujunga
Said to her friend, "Cowabunga!
Rock music I hear
So deafens my ear
The Din I'd prefer would be Gunga"!
A green-thumbed redhead named Mauna
Said, as she steamed in a sauna,
"Though I have a yen
For Japanese men,
I much prefer bonsai to fauna."
Stephen writes 04/25/96
There once was an oak tree from France
Who got up and started to dance
Such a very strange sight -
People fainted from fright
And he left them in a strange trance!
There once was a yak from Bhutan
Who collected old soda cans
His collection got large
So he loaded a barge
And shoved the large barge off dry land.
and 'Legend of the Red Dragon' inspired
There once was a man from a field
Who carried a sword and a shield.
He fought evil all day
And kept monsters at bay
And to him all villians did yield.
ROBERT S KAST writes 04/25/96
Our Master of Arts was a wreck;
Said "Job hunting's a pain in the neck!"
While rhyming is fine,
The job offers, I find
Go to fellows who studied hi-tech!
Anonymous writes 04/24/96
"Riddle me this" said the villain to Bruce
"What has two halves of a name being Deuce?"
"Four" Batman thought,
As the Riddler shot,
Yelling "Wrong, now suffer its abuse!"
A Deuce Deuce is another name for a 22 caliber gun, just so you know...
Animale shares classics 04/24/96
I wish that my room had a floor,
I don't care so much for a door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
There once was a young girl from Woosesster
Who ussesst to crow like a roosester
She ussesst to climb
Seven trees at a time,
But her sissester ussesst to boossester!
Portero writes 04/24/96
Her body defines the word, art.
A beauty to the mind, soul, and heart
I long for the day
That in a coffin I lay
So we may never again be apart!
Cres writes 04/23/96
There was a lady named Jane
She lived on Cherry Creek Lane
She found a mouse
In her house
She hit it with her cane!
The limericist wrote this two years ago, in seventh grade.
Pat shares a classic 04/23/96
There once was a fellow named Dan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked the reason why,
He gave this reply:
"I suppose it's because I always try to fit into the last line as many words as I possibly, possibly can!
"No", A TWIN HE SAID, HE HADN'T KNOWN ONE,
AND HIS LOOK-ALIKE, HE DIDN'T OWN ONE.
"BUT I WILL WITH A SLIVER
OF MY THUMB AND MY LIVER
'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES ONE TO CLONE ONE!"
MadCat writes 04/22/96
Of love there is little to speak
That some hormone's not able to tweak;
To cast a chemical spell
With some scent you can't smell
So you'll find those you don't really seek.
There once was a geek who would growl
That love was, at best, the most foul -
‘Til he bit off the head
Of a chicken, in bed,
And fell in love with a saucer-eyed owl!
Julia writes 04/19/96
My husband's glued to the screen!
My computer, overtaken has been!
He says he's not hooked,
But if I'm not mistooked,
His protest is just a smoke-screen.
My tennis nemesis Pat
Wields her racquet more like a bat!
The ball sails by
And she wonders why
I don't have time for a chat!
Quilis shares a classic 04/18/96
Each night, Grandpa fills me with dread
As he sits on the edge of my bed;
I don't mind that he speaks
In blood-curdling shrieks,
But for twenty-five years he's been dead!
Michelle writes 04/17/96
Mrs. Browning went to the zoo;
Her class went with her, too.
They stayed there for AGES!
Locked up in cages--
Come see the exhibit - it's new!
Anonymous writes 04/17/96
I can't quite recall or remember
Where I was yet last November.
I must have been on one strange trip
When I saw the weirdest ship
It flew by my head, left - it's hum- linger.
Stargazer writes 04/17/96
A man died while eating, in Sydney,
Sausage, steak, chops, ham, liver, and kidney.
Said his wife, sad but proud,
"'E was boorish and loud,
But 'e knew 'ow to eat breakfast, didney?"
Phred writes 04/16/96
A Washington government bureau
Had a budget that dwindled to zero.
The boss did no shirking;
He just kepBritish cattle were mad!
Last year OJ beheaded his mate,
And now Teddy's been caught by The State!
A new psychopath
For society's wrath -
The creep that we most LOVE to Hate!
There was a young man from Lake Erie,
Who felt that his life was quite dreary,
He'd three kids and a spouse,
A big yellow house,
And debts that left him quite teary.
Mydway Myn shares a classic 04/08/96
I just perused Bonnie's rhymed curse -
It seems she's upset by the verse.
Thinks the form's been perverted
And fun limericks averted. . . .
"Sez who?" is my reply, terse.
Victoria said, "Oh my!"
Eric's web page you must try,
So I paid it a visit,
And asked what is it?
Then quickly said my good-bye.
At limericks I am quite green,
But found these particularly mean,
They ragged on each other,
Their father and mother,
And most were more than obscene.
Limericks, when all's said and done,
Clean or dirty, are supposed to be fun,
Not personal disses,
That elicit hisses,
Making newbies turn and run.
The Toast Point Page apologizes, but it does not edit
contest entries for content.
Travis Christensen sends 04/04/96
Gayle got nothing from her secret pal,
Not even a hedgehog or towel!
Gayle got pissed
But his pal promised this,
"Gayle, I'll buy you a vowel!"
Stargazer writes 04/04/96
A barber who hailed from Connecticut
Had a terrible problem in etiquette:
To each patron he'd coo,
"Why hello, there! It's you!"
For he'd never remember whose head he cut.
Art Hur writes 04/02/96
There was an alien from outer space
Who came to join the human race
It searched the scenery
For the greenery
But of it, it found no trace!
Beware of the complex computer!
This gigabite monster's no tutor:
Your eyes will get bleary,
By the one thousandth query,
Faq your brain to the ultimate neuter!