The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries...Few and Far Between
January 1996 Entries
Anonymous (who can blame him with an entry like this?) writes 1/31
There once was a man named Rick,
Whose legs were as thin as a stick.
He told his dog, Fletch
To go out and "Fetch!"
So, the dog brought Rick back quick!
In back of my seat, young Sylvester
Screamed and kicked while my anger did fester!
My good humor he bested -
But I had him arrested
For being an Adult Molester!
OgThePoet writes 1/26
If you only like limericks clean
There's a whole 'nother world you've not seen!
So check out the
naughty ones
Those raunchy and bawdy ones -
They're some of the best I've ob scene!
Said Nancy to Tonya, "You sleaze!"
"Your True Love (that puddle of grease!)
"Gilooley (that putz!)
"Ruined my triple Lutz!
"I'd like to break *both* of *his* knees!"
Life you must live to the limit
Every day, every hour, every minute
But with greatest respect
Just laugh and reflect
How you thought, you were important, in it.
The Sage is unsure of the punctuation here, so it has been left alone.
CeeJay writes 1/24
On Friday, November thirteen,
The clairvoyants of Madingley Green
Were forced to abandon
The meeting they'd planned on,
By circumstances unforeseen....
Anon writes 1/23
The cuckoo's a curious bird
It hates to be seen or be heard
As it enters the nest
Of the chick it likes best.
But it makes the cuckold look absurd!
I like a poem with rhyme,
With meaning, and meter, and time.
It just drives me crazy,
When the message is hazy,
And free verse is simply a crime!
Rmac writes 1/20
Bob finds his dates all inferior
If not in the front, then the derriere.
Mae's too short; June's too tall,
Jill's as flat as a wall,
And Sandy's as wide as a carrier.
Barbra? Well she's just so hairy, her
Face looks like that of a terrier.
Jane's too big; Kim's too small.
He's rejected them all,
Citing his basic criteria.
Said a comp science lecturer Zhart,
Explaining the programmer's art:
"When the job is complete,
Ctrl-Alt-Delete
Will boot you right back to the start."
Nuclear car engine mods?
I wonder, just what are the odds ...
To stop the emissions,
Just break from tradition,
And fuel 'em with small fission rods.
Mike Robinson writes 1/19
There once was a boxer mamed Pat
Who thought he was as tough as a rat
Until he met Sid
Who beat on Pat's head
Now it's Pat who's down on the mat!
Ceejay submits a modified version of a classic 1/18
There was a young lady of Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake.
A chap in a punt
Grabbed hold of her arm
And said "You can't swim here. It's private".
The Sage assumes that the unmodified one rhymes, and is naughty...
To Robin and Batman "You're toast!",
Said the Jester, "That's no idle boast!"
But (you guessed it) the caped
Crusaders escaped.
HOW much did you say the film grossed?!
A partner in flesh and in mind.
Why is that so hard to find?
She wants the moon -
He gives up too soon -
Lots of fish in the sea - but what kind?
Finch writes 1/14
There was this odd programmer guy
Who came to this page by and by
He entered a rhyme
And blushed red as wine!
Just goes to show how I'm shy...
In June, I might yet remember
The end of cold dark December
I'll dance in my shorts
And play lots of sports.
But what to do come November?
In a laundrymat I did flirt
With girls, who were otherwise curt
I smiled, I laughed,
Yet none knew my craft.
Well, at least now I have a clean shirt!
There once was a pig named Mork
Who lived on the streets of New York
He got in a fight
In an alley one night
And then he was sliced up for pork!
There once was a dog named Lee
Who went to the side of a tree
And when he got there
He was in for a scare
'Cause there he got stung by a bee!
Harrison writes 1/12
There once was a man named Phil
Who grew an enormous duck bill
He waddled and quacked
Gew feathers on his back
And now lives by the pond on the hill!
The wealthy and dying man Seth
Said just before his sad death,
"I've hidden my gold
within this household!
It's in - uhh!" was his last dying breath.
The Sage kibitzes: How about switching "breath" and "death"?
The wealthy and elderly Seth
Said with his last dying breath
"I've hidden my gold
within this household!
It's in - uhh!" and went on to his death.
Just a thought...
Depressed writes 1/12
I hate everybody today
Those blue sunny skies have turned gray
I can't give any more
I can't live anymore
I've written the end of my play.
Hand me that bottle of booze -
Got the post-holiday blues!
And like it or not
This glum feeling I've got
Will take at least 3 months to lose!
When Ogden says clean ones are hard
He knows 'cause he's one great bard.
Don't sit there just cryin' -
Give up even tryin'.
So what if your ones aren't starred!
This blizzrd's so bad it's not funny!
Can't go nowhere for love or for money!
So you'll find this old face
Near a warm fireplace
Snuggled up close to my honey!
Mother Nature, playing her tricks
Has the whole northeast in a fix
They're out there right now
With shovel and plow
'Tiz "The Blizzard of old '96"!
The Doc who examined old Fred
Sadly shook his head as he said:
"I could give you some pills -
But with all of your ills -
I think you're much better off dead!"
Kacey writes 1/6
There once was a knight named Gawain
Who chopped the Green Knight's neck in vain
He failed nature's test
Wore a scarf through the rest
And escaped with a nick and some pain.
As a writer of limericks naughty
(I've penned about 30 or faughty)
It's much harder, old bean
To write squeaky clean
That's what MY experience taught me.
The Sage nods. - How true...
A new year, a brand new beginning
No sulking, no swearing, no sinning!
Though that's just how I feel
With intentions quite real,
Those who know me - they just can't help grinning!
CeeJay writes 1/5
In Texas (embarrassed, I think,
That his freezer had gone on the blink)
My host said, en passant,
"Round here, if it hasn't
Got ice in, it isn't a drink!"
CeeJay writes 1/3
A limerick writer named Chris
Wrote verses whose lines didn't rhyme
Or scan
And everyone said
He ought to stick to haiku...
Never before have I seen
A lady whose teeth they do gleam.
You can turn out the lights,
Close her mouth up tight
But boy, do those teeth still beam!
Jen writes 1/2
A student once had the ambition
Of becoming a medical technician.
But med schools were so strict
Folks were dying to get picked
So instead she became a mortician!
There once was a woman from Mars
Who only ate candy bars
Her figure was nice
'Cause she ate no rice
And hated the taste of the stars.
Read the
Squeaky-Clean Limericks from February!
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