The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from October, 1996
Few and Far Between
Crispy writes 10/29/96
A Yalie lawyer named Hillary C.
Was arrested for trying to be
A substitute president,
Not merely a resident,
Of hubby Bill's menage-erie!
The poet comments, "This is a cybergeezer reject. Shows what he knows!"
A girl who displayed adiposity
Incited a man's animosity.
In the end, it was night
When the man, out of spite,
Committed a lipid atrocity!
and the following, entitled "Ough!"
There once was a man called McGough
Who, out walking, tripped over a bough.
He said that, although
His leg hurt enough,
He didn't mind limping home to Middlesbrough.
Enow?
Mr. Wong writes 10/24/96
At a diner in greater Van Nuys
Bill stumped, fabricating his lies
"Trust me and my plan,
I'm your number one man,
Are you gonna finish those fries?"
I pray for an internet ban
On limericks that don't even scan,
But merely abuse
Dear Erato, our muse.
T'were best they were flushed down the can!
The poet comments, "Limericks that don't meet the test of meter or rhyme should be banned."
Toast Point agrees, but in fairness, posts them anyway. Once posted, other poets can ridicule the sender with their own perfectly-scanned limericks.
Paul Yeung writes 10/22/96
There once a girl named Mary,
Who wanted to go on a ferry.
The ferry turned over,
And never went back to Dover,
And it was the end of Mary!
Ivytong writes 10/22/96
There once a boy named Sam
Who likes to eat meats and hams
When it was time for lunch
The boy ate so much
And his stomach hurt
The poet comments, "I like it."
The Sage responds, "But what about the last rhyme?"
Lem R. Ick writes 10/21/96
Clinton or Dole - who knows?
Both are really big foes!
Just make your selection -
Neither's perfection -
Or try your luck with Perot!
RenWa writes ...
Bill Clinton, he really pushed NAFTA.
He pleaded, "We `hafta. we hafta."
But, H. Ross Perot
Kept saying "No, No."
Insisting it will mean the `shafta.'.
and shares a classic 10/21/96
Our leaders, they really have nerve.
They bob, they weave, and they swerve.
But, come the election
They ooze with affection;
Let's limit how long they can serve!
There once was a girl named Sue
Who loved to suck on her shoe.
She sucked and she sucked -
OH MY!! What luck!
'Cause it tasted like Mountain Dew!
Boy Pilot writes 10/15/96
While shopping for jewelry at Tiffany's
She had one of her frequent epiphanies.
She just took off her dress
And with skill and finesse
Said "The Frogs" from the Greek, Aristiphanes.
The poet comments, "Your three-syllable last words for first lines make it tough, but it's a fun way to spend a morning."
Are all of those Usenet posts true?
"Cause if so, I'll have nothing to do
With the Globe or the Star -
USENET's better by far -
And I'll save a few bucks for some brew!
Consider the commonplace cantaloupe
Engaged, as it is, to an antelope.
Lest friends snicker and smile,
They must wed in great style.
Now you know why the cantelope can't elope!
Robert Dole - has he smiled even once?
As he stammers and grumbles and grunts?
With a wife like his Lizzie,
I'd be all in a tizzy,
Give a speech, and then off to the hunts.
To write a political limerick
Needs some rhymes that just do not exist.
So I'll just change the form
From its usual norm,
And then hope that you will not be ... annoyed.
Hmmm...
When your Clergyman's Coming to Call
You're always afraid you will blow it,
If your house isn't ready to show it.
But if God should get keen
On your house being clean,
HE'd inspect it, and you'd never know it.
This Salk, who was famous, named Jonas,
Promised wealth and a title and bonus
To these monkeys called Rhesus
Who agreed, "You can lease us,"
"But don't come on strong like you own us."
Oolong writes 10/12/96
The instructions that Toast Point produces
Have poets all running for nooses -
Verse two and verse three,
Are quite fine, don'cha see,
But the first and the last will raise bruises!
The poet comments, "Okay, so my rhymes aren't perfect either . . . but gee whiz, Toast Point, they are the instructions and they ought to be perfect form. :-S"
Toast Point sniffs back tears and will take another look at the instructions.
Tim writes 10/11/96
These Limericks Clean are quite sparse
And mostly do not raise a laugh
This one ain't the best
It's as bad as the rest
As for Gold Stars, it ain't worth a half!
Self-fulfilling prophecy...
Bobby writes 10/11/96
To write a political limerick,
It's not that easy for me,
Because I wish,
That I was a doggie,
And most polititians were trees.
Hee-hee-hee!
Oolong writes 10/10/96
Dear Toast Point: your contest is neat.
Your meter is quick on its feet,
But please take the time,
To learn how to rhyme,
Or prepare for your fame to be fleet.
The poet comments, "Pedantry Rules!"
It's not that I don't like your thought,
But a limerick ought to be taut,
And your verse, though instructive,
Is counterproductive.
Let's take it right out to be shot.
The poet comments, "Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love will make it wag its tail.
--Kinky Friedman"
Toast Point shoots an arch look at Oolong, "Which verse are you referring to, o complaining one?"
Canadian Spirit writes 10/10/96
The little you do with your brain
Is certainly causing you pain
It's quite plain to see
That counting to three
Is causing those spasms again!
The poet comments, "For those who periodically suffer from brain f*rts."
The Pastor would never admit
That he suffered an atrophied wit.
He thought that a tumour
Was a call for bright humour.
Egads, good grief, what a twit!
Billy shares classics 10/09/96
While watching a plane fly upside down,
I spotted the face of a clown,
It was funny and hairy,
And also quite scarey,
And its mouth had a smile, not a frown!
I once knew a guy called old Jed,
He looked like he'd never been fed,
His legs were so skinny,
That he looked like a ninny,
And I knew that real soon he'd be dead.
Canadian Spirit writes 10/09/96
The elephant's elongated nose
Should not be considered a hose.
It's really much more
Than a thing that gets sore
When an mammoth-sized cold has arose.
Bobby writes 10/09/96
That Oprah! She's fat or she's skinny,
She's forever trying to lose weight,
But because she likes food,
She's in a bad mood,
I'm afraid this must be her fate.
Rhyme, Bobby, rhyme!
Toast Point writes 10/3
Limericks so clean, they're squeaky
Have been timid, or just a bit sneaky
For the month of October
No clean one's come over
'Cept this one (and it's just a bit creaky!)