The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from September, 1996
from Poets Who Are In Severe Need of Discipline!
Jeeves writes 10/01/96
There once lived an angler named Ed
Whose cock was constructed of lead
Too short for a pole
Or to fill a cunt hole
It served as a sinker instead!
Big Dick writes 09/30/96
I have a big dick
It looks like a stick
My lover likes to lick
My big old stick
Then right all over Nick
The Sage sighs and points the poet towards Hints on Limerick Structure.
Stargazer writes 09/28/96
Rowdy Jack's new obsessions sure are (fish)
Rather strange, maybe even bizarre (fish)
But his last was so good,
Don't you think that it should
Net that maritime minstrel a star (fish)?
Hee hee - oh, OK.
Jeeves shares classics 09/28/96
There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
The heat from his prick
Turned it into a brick
And rubbed all his foreskin away!
In the garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his Madam
Great was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls and he had 'em!
There once was a man from the West
Who was eating his wife with great zest
Amidst the grunts and the growls
He sucked out her bowels
And spewed liquid shit on her breast.
Ewwww....
Percy Longprong writes 09/28/96
I tried it again without protection,
Resulting in a nasty infection.
Through tears blurred with pain ,
I know I've caught AIDS again
And now rely on my daily injection.
Herkin writes 09/28/96
Hallo ! My name is Herkin.
All day I sit here just lurkin ' -
And pulling my pud
Which makes me feel good ( as it should ! )
But I'm afraid the Old Muse just ain't working!
Seems to be going pretty well, actually!
A skin diving couple named Creel
Found marine life held special appeal
His dick he would show fish
'Til blown by a blowfish
While she got it on with an eel!
Rhubarb shares a classic 09/24/96
There once was a man named Big Bart,
When screwing, took much time to start.
Since it took so much blood
To erect the big stud,
He'd go faint, and miss the best part!
The submitter comments, "By Laurence Craft, a superb author, just now being incorporated into
Ken Smith's Limerick Collection. He/we now have 10k."
Rowdy Jack adds to his Moray limerick 09/24/96.
Henry (The Eight's) shares a classic 09/22/96
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may appear Rabelaisian.
Let `V' be `virginity'
Approaching infinity
And `U' the constant, `persuasion'."
"Now, if V over U be inverted,
And the square root of `P' be inserted
`N' times into V,
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative", Einstein asserted!
The submitter comments, "Forwarded from the mental archive of Lyel C. Behr, Ph.D.,
Dean Emeritus, Mississippi State University. You may swap limericks with Dr. Behr. Or, perhaps, not. Drop him a note at: Box 644, Mississippi State, MS 39762."
Toast Point thanks Henry and Dr. Behr for their interest.
Sailor Sam shares a classic 09/20/96
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who were forced to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!
Jumpin Gene shares a classic 09/19/96
There once was a yound lad from Class.
Whos nuts were made out of brass.
They clanged together
And played Stormy Weather
While lightning shot out of his ass.
Wheels shares a classic 09/19/96
A big Irish Catholic named Locks
Made his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
He'd go to confession
And jack off the priest in the box.
Gene Rugh shares a classic 09/19/96
There was a woman from DePaul
Who wore a paper dress to a ball -
The dress caught on fire
And burnt her entire
Front page, sports section and all!
Dublew Ardee writes 09/16/96
There was a young lass at the lakeshore
Who'd lie in the shallows and implore
The gods of the sea
To roll up past her knee,
Her personal shoreline to explore.
There once was a man named Bob Dole
Who liked to smoke some pole.
He bent over for kicks,
Taking BIG pricks
While huge guys nailed his hole.
Bigus shares a classic 09/14/96
There once was a man from Kent
Whose penis was so badly bent,
That to save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming he went!
A clever young harlot named Gail
Held her annual one-cent sale -
The results weren't surprising:
It was good merchandising
But awfully hard on her tail!
Willy Z shares classics 09/14/96
Ther once was a woman named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair -
At least thats what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn and begin to lose air!
There was a young woman named Alice
She used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Dallas!
There was an old whore named Sue
Who filled her pussy with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"
Dolphin writes 09/14/96
Here's to a lady in red dancing shoes
Who liked to party and liked to booze
She's lost her cherry but that ain't no sin
Cause she's still got the box that cherry came in!
Sandman writes 09/14/96
Forthcoming is some very mixed prose
On nursery rhymes eventually I chose
About bears and pigs
And a girl seen in wigs
And so, this is how it goes...
A wolf asked if he could be able
To join the three bears at their table,
But unless I'm mistaken
These chairs are all taken
And this guy is in the wrong fable!
So he set off in search of his tale -
Convinced of his task, he won't fail.
Three pigs would be good
But Red-Riding Hood
Would he like for dinner (with ale).
He went looking for a house made of straw,
But was amazed at what eventually he saw -
A lady of the night
Quite a pretty young sight
Red-Riding Hood had turned into a whore!
She prefers to be called madam or lady
In a trade that's ever so shady.
No more does she roam,
For France is her home
And she's now known simply...as Sadie.
The wolf did think it his duty
To rescue this voluptous beauty
Away from this vice
Would be very nice
And stop others from touching her booty,
But alas the moment he did see her
He wanted to "know her" before he could free her.
He accepted her advances
And suggestive glances -
Now all he's got's gonnorohea!
Dr. Root shares a classic 09/12/96
A lesbian sailor named Goom
Took a cross-dresser up to her room.
They argued for days
About all of the ways
And which one would do what to whom!
Rhubarb shares a classic 09/11/96
Said old Zeus as he sat on Olympus:
"Even Gods find that old age will crimp us.
So far as sex goes,
What once boldly arose
Now requires the aid of a wimpus."
The poet comments, "On the off chance that you have not seen this one before, it was found
in Legman's, "The New Limerick (second series)", number 2178.
"
Toast Point writes his own version:
Said Toast Point, as he sat on his rumpus:
"We do not need strangers to jump us,.
We've now settled down
Outside New York town
With our fuzzy and cuddly wumpus!"
Herkin writes 09/10/96
That utter nutter in Dumblane
Fired his pistol over and over again.
There was blood on the floor,
On the walls, more gore
And all those little kiddies were slain.
DJ shares a classic 09/09/96
There once was a women from Hoboken
Who claimed that her cherry was broken
By riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from poken!
Consider the commonplace cantaloupe
You can't use it to make a good soup
I liked the tomato better
Until one day, I met her,
My wife, who insists that cantaloupe's good for the poop!
Stargazer writes 09/06/96
The convention was packaged and slick;
Mr. Clinton's speech sure did the trick.
But alas! He's dismayed;
For a change, he's betrayed
By his OTHER philandering Dick!
Mr. Morris, worn out, I suppose,
In a meeting slipped into a doze,
So he got it confused
When Bill Clinton enthused:
"Lick the enemy; keep on your toes."
'Twas 10 years ago I got wedded
Then she chopped off my schlong, had it threaded!
Now she keeps it in her purse
And to make matters worse
She only screws it back on when we're bedded!
Raging Bull writes 09/05/96
A producer, who was an old fogey,
Asked young Betty to munch on his stogey.
But it wasn't his age
That filled her with rage -
After all, she soon married old Bogie!
A wan lexicon known as Boris
Was fondling his sweetheart's clitoris.
Said he, "No words have I
To describe such hair pie.
For that, I will need my thesaurus."
While working one day in the poolyard
With a friend whom I've known since the schoolyard,
I corrected his grammar
When I borrowed his hammer.
He said, "Pal, this ain't fuckin' Julliard."
Jim writes 09/05/96
There was an old maid from Hoboken
Who was taught that sex was verboten,
So when she was dead,
Her epitaph read,
"Returned to sender unopened."
The poet comments, "Don't know why my Janna from Montana last month came up "anonymous", as I am no more ashamed of that one than any of the others I write."
Toast Point responds, "If there's no name in the Pen Name field, I post it as anonymous. It's fixed now. Thanks for letting me know!"
The Republicans sounded the alarm,
"The unborn shall not be harmed,
For birth control
Is easy!" says Dole,
Whose dick hangs like his right arm.
The poet comments, "I hope not, for his and Libby's sake, as after November they are going to have a lot of time for fun."
Rowdy Jack writes 09/04/96
Says a diver: "My dear, you are sore, eh?
From some dildoing on the sea floor ,eh?
And pray tell me," he cries
"What's that snake twixt your thighs?"
"That's no snake," she replies, "that's a moray."
Muff divers by Cupid are beaten
When they fall for a mermaid's entreatin'
With her bottom half fish,
'Tis an unfulfilled wish
With a dish that can never be eaten!
Said an injured Cousteau,"I implore all
Of my divers to stick with sex oral -
Having just tried to screw
On a bed, 'neath the blue
Where the beds, you will note, are of coral."
Bluey shares a classic 09/01/96
There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought that her child came from God
It wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nighty
But Roger the lodger - the sod!